02x03 - Vengeance Falls

[bunniefuu]

[GASPS] What are you doing here, Carlos?

I'm here to take you.
All of you, Joanna.

You've got to get out of here.

My husband, the mayor,
will be here any second.

I don't care if I lose my
job on the railroad project.

I can't get last night out of my mind,

or the taste of you out of my mouth.

You think I don't want this
too? I ache for your manhood.

Then lose the dress.

I wanna see the curve of your
breast in the moonlight...

[INHALES SHARPLY] ... and feel
the heat of your body against mine.

Don't you f*cking fall in love with me!

[WHISPERS] Too late.

[NORMAL VOICE] And that's the scene.

- Oh, my God, that was so good!
- Mmm. Thank you.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I
mean, the writing? Wow.

But more importantly,
you are incredible.

I really believed you were a former
gigolo who got into city planning.

The part is just so complex, right?

I... Every time I read the
script, I have more questions.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's gotta be a good sign, right?

Oh, yeah.

I cannot wait to see you in this play.

I mean, I have invited
everyone in my life.

My gym friends, my yoga
frenemies, my lesbian dentist,

my stalkers and the people I'm stalking.

Oh, that is so great.

And what about your family?
Are your parents coming?

Um, no. They're way out in Indiana.

It's probably... [INHALES SHARPLY]
... way too big of a hassle.

But that does remind me, I should
probably invite my sugar daddy.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I wonder if the
theater is wheelchair-accessible.

Ooh, can we do the next
scene? It is so good.

Yes. You're topless, I'm bottomless,

and we're in an abandoned train yard.

- Feel free to slap me for real. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I will.

Carlos! I have news.

I'm pregnant.

- And it's your twin brother's baby!
- No!

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

Okay, Howard, why don't you update us

on the broadband cost at the
Space for Everyone property?

Absolutely.

[STAMMERS] Happy to.

[SIGHS]

- What is this?
- Oh, well, full disclosure,

- it's not quite finished.
- [SCOFFS] It's not done at all.

You didn't even finish
the word "presentation."

Oh. [STAMMERS] Well, I
was about to type the N,

and then the meeting was starting,

and you told us to never be late.

So in many ways, this is your fault.

Howard, you need to take this seriously.

Space for Everyone is a huge project.

We all need to be at the top of
our games. This needs to get done.

Yes, ma'am.

[CELL PHONES BUZZING, CHIMING]

[GIGGLES]

[HOWARD INHALES SHARPLY]

Sofia... [STAMMERS] ... what
notification did you just get?

It's a news alert. It's about a
typhoon that's about to hit Burma.

You fist-pumped a typhoon
about to hit Burma?

Yes, in solidarity
with the Burmese people.

Hmm.

Hey, hey. We have got to talk.
Something very intriguing is happening.

I think Sofia is a Swiftie.

- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- Oh, I actually know what that is.

My daughter is a huge Taylor Swift fan.

I gotta say, I like all those songs

about not letting the
haters get you down.

[GROANS] It's actually more frustrating

when you know a little
bit about something

instead of your typical nothing.

Okay. So why do you
think she's a Swiftie?

Well, that notification
Ainsley and I got earlier

was a Taylor Swift
verified-fan presale code.

And Sofia's phone dinged
at the exact same time.

Then suddenly she sends us a email

saying we have July


Which is the exact date Taylor
Swift is playing at SoFi Stadium.

Sofia's going to that concert.

Okay, that's pretty good
evidence, but what's the big deal?

- So she likes Taylor Swift?
- Exactly. Why would she lie about it?

I mean, what type of
game is she playing here?

I mean, Sofia's a very private person.

Shouldn't you just be
working on your presentation?

Oh, she would love that...

wouldn't she?

[CHUCKLES]

How about we k*ll him with
this dagger I'm holding

and then f*ck for the rest of our lives?

Knock, knock. Where is
my genius future-EGOT?

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES] Thank
you so much. These are beautiful.

They're bigger than my entire apartment.

There's somebody else here too.

- What?
- Your parents!

Surprise!

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES] Mom. Dad.

I called them right after we talked

and offered to send the jet for them,

and then they refused and
said they'd drive here.

All the way from Indiana?

No, yeah. We took the I-70 to the I-44,

then the I-40 to the I-15 to the I-10.

From there it's
basically a straight sh*t.

Hmm.

They sure don't give
you much room back here.

Yeah, well, Mom, it's just a small play.

Well, your parents are
staying for a couple days.

I offered my house, but they said
they wanted to stay in a hotel in...

Panorama City.

From here you just
take I-101 to the I-170

and then exit at Roscoe Boulevard West.

Pretty much a straight sh*t after that.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Ah.

We're gonna go to our seats, honey.

Yeah. See you after.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I know
it was a crazy swing,

but I'm just so proud
of you. You're so good.

Molly, my parents are
super conservative.

This play is not their thing.

There are only, like, three
scenes that aren't sex scenes.

Well, who cares if it's their thing?

It's your thing, and that's
all that should matter.

- Yeah, okay, I... I need to run lines.
- Of course. Oh, my gosh.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Don't let me get
in the way of your process. [KISSES]

- [KISSES]
- Be brilliant. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, are you in the play too? Oh,
you're doing costumes. All right.

[ACTOR 1] What did you say to
me, you limp-dicked cocksucker?

Oh, you better watch your step, assh*le,

or one day someone will take you out

to Vengeance Falls.

[WHISPERS] That's the name of the play.

[ACTOR 1 GASPS] What are
you doing here, Carlos?

- I'm here to take you.
- [GASPS]

All of you, Joanna.

Take you into town to
get an ice-cream cone.

[JOANNA STAMMERS] You've
gotta get out of here.

My husband, the mayor,
will be here any second.

I don't care if I get fired
from the railroad project.

I can't get you out of my mind.

You and me, watching Everybody
Loves Raymond on your couch.

And then I went home, alone.

[WHISPERING] What are you
doing? Those aren't the lines.

[NICHOLAS] Let me look at you.

Let me see the... the curve of
your heaving smile in the moonlight,

and-and feel the heat of that
smile from-from over here.

Don't you f*cking fall in love with me!

You sh-shouldn't swear so much.

[EXHALES SHAKILY] Oh, God.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

More plates?

David Chang is serving
elevated Indiana cuisine

because you are elevated
"Indianianianianans."

So what we have here is a
deconstructed tuna casserole.

Deconstructed?

So, uh, you took it apart and now
I have to put it back together?

And another F-minus,
David Chang. Congrats.

Go get us some Applebee's
curbside or something.

That play, Nicholas.

I mean, oh, my God,
what a tour de force.

And Carlos Wu is such
a layered character.

I think you just nailed it.

Oh, was that the character's name?

[INHALES SHARPLY] We got a great
parking spot right out front,

uh, probably 20, 25 feet from the door.

Speaking of parking,

a lot of people have been
going to the Krogers lately.

- [SMACKS LIPS] Oh, really?
- They're doing free samples again.

[CHUCKLES] We got some
sausage there the other day.

You know who I saw there? Susan Reed.

You went to middle school
with her niece Kayla.

What was Kayla's last name?

Honey, what was Kayla's last name?

- Reed. [SIGHS]
- Oh, that's right. Same as her aunt.

That makes sense.

Uh, Nicholas,

have you told your parents about
your callback for your commercial?

Yeah, no, I... I didn't
mention it to them.

- [MOLLY] What?
- It's not a big deal, you know?

[INHALES SHARPLY] Even though
it was national or whatever.

Did I tell you we got a new tractor?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, she's a
beaut. Purrs like a kitten.

You know who can till the
Hades out of some soil?

- Nicholas.
- Yeah, of course I was good at tilling.

I'm good at everything.

Little Nicky. He was put on
God's green earth to farm.

Anytime you wanna try
out the new tractor,

I could always use another set of hands.

No, it's not gonna happen.

Okay, every time we talk,

we have the same
conversation. I'm done tilling.

I'm never coming back. Okay? Ever.

[SIGHS]

Kayla's back at the bank now.

Okay, you know what? I
think my parents are tired.

It's been a long day. I should
probably get them back to the hotel.

Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

- Thank you so much.
- Of course. Anytime.

Oh, and by the way, I couldn't
figure out how to flush your toilet.

Okay.

[STAMMERS] Do you
need something, Howard?

No, I just wanted to
apologize about the other day.

See, I feel terrible about it, and
I'm really hoping we can both just

shake it off.

Okay, sure.

Good.

'Cause I don't want there to be
any bad blood between us, baby.

Have you started your presentation yet?

I know you're a Taylor Swift fan,

I know you're going to
that concert July 12th,

and now all I need to know
is why you're hiding it.

What? Is this why you've
been acting so weird?

Oh, I'm the one who's been acting weird?

I don't know what you're talking
about. I don't listen to Taylor Swift.

I listen to podcasts about
systemic racism and urban decay.

No, see, it's okay. I'm a Swiftie
too. We can put on Red

and see how many songs we can
make it through without crying.

My record is two and a quarter.

Howard, enough of this. You
need to get back to work.

And you need to calm down.

I know you didn't just
tell a woman to calm down.

No, you... "You Need To
Calm Down" is a Swift song.

I'm still doing the song title thing.
I th... I thought you knew that.

Uh, I'm still my sweet self.
[STAMMERS] Your hair looks lovely.

- Thank you. Get back to work.
- Yes, ma'am.

[MOLLY] Mmm.

[NICHOLAS SIGHS]

Hey. I'm sorry about last night.
I know things got a little awkward.

Hmm. Uh, we don't have to talk about it.

Well, yes, but we could.

I mean, I'm here for you if
you'd like to unpack it with me.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Okay, um,

let's unpack the fact that
you invited my parents out here

to see an extremely sexual
play without asking me.

I thought it would be a nice surprise.

You've always told me

that you have a good
relationship with your parents.

We do. My parents and I
are fine, as long as we stick

to safe topics like Krogers,

Kayla, who has cancer.

They do not want me
to be an actor, okay?

I've tried to explain
myself to them many times,

and it's not worth
it, so I just stopped.

Well, I'm sorry, Nicholas, but I
don't think that's very healthy.

Healthy. What is healthy?

Okay, I... I train like an Avenger,

but I'm functionally
addicted to ketamine,

so the word "healthy" is meaningless.

Look, one thing I've learned
on my SJ, spiritual journey,

is that you have to open yourself up

to difficult emotions.
With your parents.

It's the only way you'll grow.

It's not easy, but if
you get up every day

and put the work into it like I do,

- you'll see some benefits.
- [SNORTS] Okay.

What was that snort?

Ugh.

Are you literally gonna stand there

and lecture me about putting in the work

when any of the work you've ever done

is actually being done
by 25 other people,

- including me?
- What? That is not true.

When was the last time you were alone?

When I went to the
bathroom, an hour ago.

Oh, wait, that's not true.
Marisol was there to dry my hands.

Exactly. Why can't you just
admit that if we left you alone,

you would fall apart within minutes?

[SCOFFS] That is ridiculous.

I don't need any help.

In fact, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

I'll ask the entire house
staff to take the day off too.

And the kitchen staff

and the aquarium staff.

- Oh... Okay, you're really gonna do that?
- I'm really gonna do that.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Great.
- Nice.

- Wonderful.
- Hang ten.

Very cool.

- [AS BORAT] Very nice!
- [AS AUSTIN POWERS] Yeah, baby!

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, I'm gonna go.

Okay, let's get started.

Howard, the broadband
presentation please.

Absolutely.

- Oh, no.
- You've gotta be f*cking kidding me.

What you are seeing before you are
the five personal days Sofia Salinas

has taken off in the eight
years she's worked here.

As you can see,

every one of her absences lines up
exactly with a Tay-specific event.

August 29, 2015,

the same day Taylor plays
Petco Park in San Diego.

We see Sofia is both absent on
August 18th and 19th of 2017,

a time known in our community
as the "Great Panic,"

when Taylor wiped her entire
social media presence clean

to prepare for a new beginning.

Enough. Why are you doing this?

To help you be true to yourself.

I know you gave us July 12th off
because you are going to that concert.

Thank you. I have no further questions.

Do you wanna know what I'm
doing on July 12th? [SIGHS]

Hmm.

My great-aunt Lucia is
having heart surgery.

She is wonderful, mi tía.

She helped raise me, so I'm going
to New Jersey to be with her.

I didn't want to talk about it

because it is a little
upsetting. [INHALES SHARPLY]

But that is the truth.

Sorry to hear that, Sofia.

- Yeah, me too.
- [SOFIA SIGHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH] Oh. Okay.

Gracias, Ainsley.

Howard, is there any chance
you did the real presentation?

Honestly, I saw that all
going very differently, so no.

Everyone, I have an
announcement to make.

I'm giving you all the night off.

- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything is fine.

I just feel like flying solo tonight.

So, everyone, go home, live your lives.

Friends, family, go
to a burger restaurant.

Enjoy.

Ms. Molly, is it the Russians?

Are they making you be
alone so they can kidnap you?

No. No, Marisol. It is not the Russians.

If it were the Russians,

I would say our secret security
word, which I can't remember.

Pineapple.

- No, but it is something that you eat.
- It's "saxophone."

Great. Well, then, thank you.

And now, everybody, scram.

- [SIGHS]
- b*at it. Go. Go on. Go home.

[CHUCKLES] You rascals. Aw, you guys.

[CLICKS TONGUE, INHALES
DEEPLY] Okay, let's see here.

[GASPS]

f*ck, yeah.

Night mode activated.

f*ck, yeah.

f*ck, yeah.

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

[SINGSONGY] f*ck, yeah. f*ck,
yeah. f*ck, yeah. f*ck, yeah.

f*ck, yeah. f*ck, yeah.

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

Mmm.

f*ck, yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Howard, what are you doing here?
- [STAMMERS] I just came to apologize.

Uh, I felt so bad about making you
bring up that stuff about your aunt,

so I stayed at work late
to finish the presentation.

Oh, all right. Well, I appreciate
you finally finishing it.

And I wanted to get you
an Edible Arrangement,

but they couldn't finish it in time.

So, I tried to make you one myself.

Thank you.

I was wrong for calling you a Swiftie.

I just got excited about us
maybe having something in common.

I've worked with you for a while now,

and I still feel like I barely know you.

[SIGHS]

And I just thought it
would be cool for us

to like the same thing, 'cause...

[STAMMERS] ... girl, you
know I look up to you.

But I took it way too far. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

I'll go put this in the fridge
and throw it away tomorrow.

That's a good idea.

There's actually some bubble gum
in the bottom if you want a prize.

Hmm.

We did it, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

[FIRE ALARM CHIRPS]

What the hell?

[CHIRPS]

Huh.

[CHIRPS]

Be right back. Stay there.

[CHIRPS]

[CHIRPS]

[MUTTERS, STRAINS, GRUNTS]

f*ck, no.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY, SHOUTS]
- [CHIRPS]

- Care to explain this?
- Explain what?

Why you have the collectible
green vinyl pressing

of Taylor Swift's Evermore
hidden in a Marvin Gaye jacket?

That is not mine. I'm
holding it for a friend.

Her name is Dakota.

- She is white.
- Oh, it's white Dakota's Evermore?

Well, then you won't mind
if I start going through

these Kendrick Lamar records...

- Oh, okay. All right.
- ... and see what's really going on.

You know what? You're right.
[STAMMERS] I'm a Swiftie.

I knew it. I knew we
could smell our own.

But what about your great-aunt Lucia?

Oh, Howard. Don't be so
naive. No one has a great-aunt.

They only exist when you're trying
to get out of work or a term paper.

But why would you lie?

I mean, there is
nothing to be ashamed of

loving the most visionary lyricist

- of our generation.
- Oh, that is easy for you to say.

But people would judge me.

I am a 32-year-old Afro-Latina
trying to be taken seriously.

People are always looking
to question my authority.

I wish it wasn't true, but you
and I both know that is the truth.

I never really thought of it like that.

I mean, do you think
I like hiding these?

Do you think I like creating
a fake end-of-the-year playlist

and slapping jazz on it?

You don't have to do that
anymore, because now I know.

And you know I'll never tell anybody.

I promise. I Swiftie swear.

Is that a real thing?

It is now.

Hmm.

[CHUCKLES] You know, since I'm here,
maybe you wanna put on Midnights,

- and we can discuss the "Karma" theory.
- Oh, my God.

Please don't get me started
on that g*dd*mn clock.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, okay, Midnights.

Ah, that will be in
the Coltrane section.

Oh, no, you didn't. No,
you didn't. [CHUCKLES]

- Mm-hmm. Yes, I did.
- Girl, you are wild.

["DON'T SWEAT THE TECHNIQUE" PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

- [CHIRPS]
- [GROANS]

- [CHIRPS]
- [GROANS]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ye...

You suck!

[GROANS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHIRPS]

[SWALLOWS, EXHALES DEEPLY]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[LAUGHS]

- [CHIRPS]
- [GROANS]

Stop beeping.

Why?

[CRIES] Please stop beeping.

- [CHIRPS]
- [GROANS]

- [CHIRPS]
- [GROANS]

- [CHIRPS]
- [SHOUTING] What the f*ck?

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CHUCKLES] I b*at you!

I b*at you, smoke detector!

[DOOR CREAKS]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

"Enter code to access door."

I don't know the code.
I don't know the code!

I don't know the code. [WHIMPERS]

[CHIRPS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- [CHIRPS]
- You've gotta be f*cking kidding me.

[NICHOLAS] Molly...
[STAMMERS] ... are you okay?

Nicholas, is that you?

[NICHOLAS SIGHS] Yeah, I'm right
outside. I... I get an alert

whenever the panic room locks.
I... I thought you might need me.

I'm so embarrassed. I
can't do anything by myself.

Hey, that is not true.

You completely destroyed
the kitchen by yourself.

[SIGHS] I'm such a mess.

Well, at least you're trying.

Can you imagine if you were
a sane, well-adjusted person?

You'd be so boring.

"Uh, my name's Julia Miller

and I'm gonna eat a salad
with dressing on the side

and then go to the gym."

"And I'm gonna go home

and see my tall husband and
my twins, Audrey and Michael."

- Ugh, f*ck that. f*ck Julia Miller!
- f*ck Julia Miller.

I would quit on the spot.
You are so much more fun.

- [KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [DOOR OPENS]

[GASPS, WHIMPERS] Oh. [INHALES SHARPLY]

I never wanna fight again.

Hey. We never will.

I'm sorry I tried to give
you advice about your parents.

God. What the hell do I know?

It's not like you were
wrong. I mean, you saw us.

We are not good about
talking about our feelings.

They're very Midwestern,
and I'm Midwestern and Asian,

which basically means it's
like a repression Olympics.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm so sorry.

It's just, I like to
pretend that I don't care

what they think about me,
but... [INHALES SHAKILY]

- ... sometimes I... I d...
- [MOLLY CLICKS TONGUE]

[MOLLY] I'm done giving advice.

[SNIFFLES] But just know, I'm
here for you no matter what.

Thank you.

I'd love to keep hugging,

but I really have to go to the bathroom.

There's so much wine in the
panic room and nowhere to pee.

Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you remember where it is?

Is it this way?

No.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

Hey, Dad. Uh, listen.

I know you and Mom are leaving tomorrow,

but I feel like we didn't get enough
time to talk while you were here.

So I was sort of hoping I could
take you guys out to dinner.

Sure.

Great. Uh, I actually
really wanted to tell you

about this commercial that I booked.

It's for Lipitor. I
play a supportive waiter.

Oh. I... I've heard of Lipitor.
Your uncle Terry is on Lipitor.

Margs. Uh, is Terry on Lipitor?

Oh, he's on everything.

Hey, Nicholas wants
to take us to dinner.

- Works for me.
- [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS] You know, I actually
passed a pretty great-looking diner

on the way over here.

[STAMMERS] You just go up
Victory, a right on Moorpark,

and then basically a straight sh*t.

["HARDER THAN YOU THINK" PLAYING]