02x13 - Bilsky's Billions

[bunniefuu]

- And a deep breath in. [inhales deeply]

And then we yo our yo-yos.

Ha!

How are we feeling?

- Bored. both: What she said.

- What? You're not even trying.

- Yo-yo yoga makes my butt fall asleep.

- Yo-yo yoga makes all of me fall asleep.

- The once pure spirit of yo-yo yoga

has been corrupted by soulless exercise companies

that just want to sell yo-yo yoga pants.

- Which you always buy.

- Because I look amazing.

Watch this.

- I don't want to watch this. Stop.

[high-pitched fanfare]

- Greetings, children.

There's a question I mustache you.

Oh, God. Who gave Bosey a yo-yo?

- Help me.

- I'll go get some scissors.

- You know yo-yo yoga's just a scam

to get people to buy yoga pants?

Those look amazing on you, by the way.

- Facts.

[grunts] I'll see y'all in three days.

- Where are you going?

- There's this three-day yo-yo yoga retreat

on Stretch Mountain,

and people need to see me in these pants.

- Hey, what's hanging under Ray's nose?

- Yeah, looks like you stapled a squirrel to your face.

[laughter]

- That is so embarrassing for you.

[grunts]

- This is a fake mustache.

It's simply here for the reveal

of the glorious teeth beneath.

[high-pitched fanfare]

- [laughs] Oh, my God!

So much worse!

- What? They're veneers.

They're, like, perfect fake teeth.

I just had my dentist put 'em in.

- You did that to your grill on purpose?

- Yeah.

You guys don't like 'em?

[laughter]

- Better close your mouth, Ray.

Tooth fairy's gonna put a bounty on you.

- Can you even close your mouth?

- Hey, the Easter Bunny called.

He wants his teeth back.

[laughter]

- Hey, I got the scissors.

Holy molars!

We're gonna need a bigger boat. I think "Jaws" just walked in.

[laughter]

- You kids don't even understand that reference!

I spent my whole savings

to get these put in my mouth permanently.

- You actually paid for those donkey chompers?

- Getting 'em removed is gonna be even more expensive.

- Well, maybe you can get your money back

by turning your teeth into billboards.

- Oh, yeah. People will pay top dollar

for that kind of word of mouth. - [laughs]

[alarm blaring] - Oh, look a distraction.

- What's the call?

- It looks like our old friend Mitch Bilsky

is criming at Hip Hop Puree.

- Is it cool if I skip this one?

I'm kind of tied up at the moment.

- Yeah, I think I'll hang back too.

I got, like, more roasts I want to say

about Ray's picket fences.

We'll make that .

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

- As long as you're there,

get me a puree, will you? Extra thin.

- 'Cause you can't eat solid foods with your new teeth?

- I can eat solid foods just fine!

Watch.

[munching loudly]

- [high-pitched] Ah, hey!

Chew with your mouth closed, Ray!

- See you later, White Fang.

Down the tube.

♪ ♪

Put your hands up, Mitch.

- Okay.

- Uh, who put the cuffs on--

- I already got him.

- Aunt Di--I mean...

greetings, Officer Walnut.

What seems to be the trouble here?

- I caught this man-child sucking puree

out of that machine over there.

- It wasn't me.

- Tell it to the judge, man-baby-boy.

- I'm a judge.

You want me to put this perp on trial right now?

- Uh, I'm sorry.

Are you really a judge?

- Judge Tootie.

I judge all kinds of cases.

Criminal, civil, fashion.

- Yes, I'm also a sworn officer of the fashion police.

And I've got my eye on you, friend.

Food court is now in session.

The honorable Judge Tootie presiding.

- Turds can't put me on trial without a lawyer.

- Exactly. Even criminals have rights.

- I'm a lawyer.

- Oh, my God.

[gavel bangs]

- Court is now in session.

This'll be a non-adjudicated hearing

concerning the people of Swellview

versus one Mitchell Tyrone Bilsky.

Defendant stands accused of violating statute -b,

Willful and wanton stealing of food-based puree.

Does the defendant wish to enter a plea at this time?

- Uh, yeah. I do.

- Defendant pleads guilty, Your Honor.

- No, I don't.

- Sentencing guidelines call for eight to ten months,

but that's without priors and I know you have some of that.

Best play is to plead out now.

With good behavior you'll do six months.

Maybe seven, which is a whole lot better

than taking your chances with Judge Tootie.

She's a hanging judge.

Trust me, son.

I've been doing this since I was seven.

- And how old are you now?

- Seven-and-three-quarters.

Guilty, Your Honor.

- Mr. Bilsky, this court finds you guilty.

You will now hereby be remanded to the state

and committed to Swellview Prison

for no less than years.

- Whoo! - That's justice.

- years?

- Win some, you lose some.

- For stealing puree?

- Swellview has a very strict strikes law.

If you commit crimes before you graduate high school,

you get years in prison.

And this little caper was Mitch's --.

- What if he did graduate from high school?

- Then his record will be wiped clean as a baby's bottom.

- Would the court give him one more chance

to graduate and stay out of prison?

- Every school in Swellview has already kicked him out.

The public ones, the private ones.

He got kicked out of his own home schooling.

- Yeah, Mom really did me dirty on that one.

- I know the headmaster at Sw.A.G.

What if I could find a spot for him there?

- Fine, but if he commits one more crime,

he's going straight to jail.

Court is adjourned! [gavel bangs]

all: Boo!

- You'll be getting my bill in the mail.

I suggest you pay it.

- Ray is not gonna be happy about this.

- I am not happy about this.

- Then why are you smiling?

- This is just what I look like now!

Everybody get used to it.

- Listen, if Mitch went to prison,

he'd end up a criminal like everyone else in his family.

- He's already a criminal. - Exactly!

Half the crime we fight is Bilsky-related,

and the other half is Bilsky-adjacent.

But if we step in now, we can break the cycle of crime.

It's like fighting crime before it happens!

- Chapa, please help me.

- I'm with Mika on this one.

Prisons just teach people to commit more crime.

- Thank you. - What?

- Also, I got you a new toothbrush.

- [chuckles] Nice.

- Bose?

- Well, I say we get rid of those clones right now.

They are nothing but trouble.

- That was last week, buddy. You've gotta keep up.

- Oh.

Then I agree with whatever Chapa says.

- Okay. Well, you know what? I'm in charge, okay?

Not you. Me. And there's no way

I'm gonna let Mitch Bilsky-- - Over at Hip Hop Puree,

Swellview's oldest high school student

and local crime lothario Mitch Bilsky

was convicted of his th crime

in a Swellview food court today.

- That's right, Trent. This puts him in danger

of never graduating high school,

and worse, not inheriting those Bilsky billions.

- The what-sky what-ions?

- The Bilsky billions.

A fortune amassed by Jeff's great-great-great-grandpa

Ebegeezer Bilsky

which, according to his will,

was to be inherited by the first Bilsky

who graduates high school.

- In other news, a young man from Swellview

has just won best-in-pants

at the Stretch Mountain yo-yo yoga retreat.

- I just want to say to all the kids out there,

believe in your pants!

Anything is possible!

- So I changed my mind about Mitch.

- Oh, please.

- I think he needs our help.

- You're only letting him into Sw.A.G. 'cause you think

he's gonna be so grateful you let him graduate

he'll give you some of his inheritance,

and you can use that money

to pay to get your teeth back.

- You got a problem with that? - Not really.

- Hey. - Ah.

I'm building a dam.

Can you help me out and chew through this log?

- Love the new grill, Manchester.

You know, I was thinking about getting veneers myself.

Now I'm thinking not.

- What do you want, Shapen?

- A wealthy husband with a week to live,

but for now, I just want to drop off your new student.

Get in here, dummy.

- Hey, welcome to Sw.A.G., Mitch!

- Oh, dude.

What's with the beaver teeth?

- Right?

- Where are you getting these logs?

- It all just kind of happened.

[overlapping chatter]

- Stop talking!

- ♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪

[doorbell rings]

all: Emergency!

- That's just the doorbell.

- I know.

- Alfred Einstein. - Not his name.

- Basically the smartest person who ever lived,

but do you guys know what he was most proud of,

in his entire life?

- His theory of general relativity.

- No. - That haircut.

- No. - His bagels.

- The smell of his own farts.

[laughs]

Nerds.

- Alvin Einstein was most proud of the fact

that when he graduated from high school

and inherited the famed Einstein billions

he gave all of his money

to his teacher.

It's interesting, don't you think, Mitch?

- Hey, brother.

Sorry, am I interrupting your schooling?

- Oh, no, man. It's cool. We're not doing anything.

- Oh, perfect. [grunts]

- What do you want, Jeff?

- I want to let my brother know that there's a pile of dirt

in the vice mayor's backyard totally unguarded.

Let's steal it!

- That is good dirt.

Took a nap in it the other day.

[chuckles] So soft.

- Brown gold, baby!

- Oh, crime time, bro! - Let's go!

- Wait, wait, wait, Mitch, no! If you commit another crime

before graduating, you go to prison,

and you can't inherit the family fortune.

- And give it to your teacher.

- Oh, yeah. That's right.

- Counterpoint: Dirt, nature's silver.

Mmm.

- This is a tough one.

- Look, I may just be a guy with great hair

and the ability to nap anywhere,

but it seems like your brother

is tempting you into committing a crime

so that you don't inherit the Bilsky billions.

- He wants the money for himself.

- [gasps]

Jeffrey!

Is this true?

- Well, Mitchell,

let me just say--

[fabric tearing]

I'll get those billions. You'll see.

You'll all see!

- You ripped your pants

when you fell out the window, didn't you?

- You can see that?

all: We all see.

- [screams]

- Can we get back to learning now?

Let's talk about non-taxable donations.

- What's the point, man?

My highly intelligent brother is just gonna come back

with another genius idea for a crime,

and I might not be able to say no next time.

- You didn't say no this time.

- Well, then I guess we better hurry up

and get you graduated.

- I'm a Bilsky.

Can't learn stuff.

- We'll all help you.

Right, guys? - Sure.

- For a fee.

- Is music part of the graduation test?

- Maybe.

- ♪ Well, then I guess I can help a little ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ If you say that you can't, you'll be stuck where you are ♪

♪ But if you say that you can, you'll go so very far ♪

♪ And if you follow my advice, you'll see to your delight ♪

♪ That either way, you're always right ♪

- Yeah, I think I get it.

- ♪ You needn't be a misfit ♪

♪ You can change the status quo ♪

- ♪ You're saying if I risk it ♪

♪ Oh, the places I could go? ♪ - That's right!

both: ♪ And when you think there's no hope left ♪

♪ Believe with all your might ♪

♪ That either way, you're always right ♪

- ♪ There's no such thing as stupid questions ♪

- Are there birds in Canada?

- ♪ 'Cause stupid questions ♪

♪ Teach you lessons ♪ - [belches]

- Also, what is Canada?

- ♪ And if you give your all, my friend ♪

♪ I know you could be great ♪

both: ♪ Sometimes we must do things we hate to graduate ♪

- ♪ So every time you say you can't ♪

♪ Then you're right, you really can't ♪

all: ♪ But every time you say you can ♪

♪ And your "can" is confident ♪

♪ You could achieve anything, so to yourself be kind ♪

♪ 'Cause either way, you're always right ♪

♪ ♪

- Look, Ma, I'm smart!

It's the centrifugal force

that keeps the planets on their orbital trajectories,

and the nacho ball is Uranus.

[applause]

- Great job, Mitch.

Gotta say, you're really progressing nicely.

[munching loudly]

- And I gotta say a couple more roasts

I wrote about big guy's tusks over there, so...

[clears throat]

Ray's teeth are so big that-- - Oh, I love these.

How big are they? - No, no, no, no.

We're not doing that.

- Oh, hey. Take it easy.

These pants were just repaired.

- Uh, can I help you, officer?

- I caught this guy robbing a pet store.

Owner said he's missing two furtles.

- Swellview's rare native fur-shelled turtles?

- That's right.

Perp here says his partner in crime has 'em.

- That's him right there.

- Guess I'm off to jail.

See you all in years.

- No, not you, little dude.

Get out of the way. The guy behind you.

Mitch. There he is. That guy.

- Me? - Yeah, you.

- Mitch didn't rob a pet store.

He was in this classroom the whole day

talking about Uranus.

- [gasps] You watch your mouth,

Mika Macklin.

- No, Aunt Didi. Uranus is a planet.

- I will take you to jail this minute, baby girl.

- Just check Mitch's pockets already.

- I do not want to put my hands in his pockets,

but I am a cop, so--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there.

You can't just come into my classroom

and accuse one of my students of theft.

Especially one who's planning on giving me

half his inheritance when he graduates.

- Whoa, dude. Half?

- That's what Alonzo Einstein would do.

- I'm afraid I'm gonna have to check those pockets.

Like, literally afraid.

In fact, I'm gonna double-bag it today.

- Hey, no, no. I'll show you what's in 'em.

I got nothing to hi-- [snapping]

- Wait a minute. - Told ya!

[all speaking at once]

- This is a setup! I'm innocent.

These aren't even my pants.

- Run, Mitch! Hide behind Ray's teeth!

[laughter]

- Laugh it up.

- Well?

- Judge Tootie's on her way to sentence Mitch,

though I did have to wake her from her nappy time,

and she's not happy

when she doesn't get her nappy.

- Wait. You can still graduate.

According to Swellview law,

if Mitch graduates before Judge Tootie sentences him

for his final crime, his slate gets wiped clean.

- That is true. Ah, these laws are wacky.

- Okay, so if Mitch can graduate

before Kid Judge gets here, he's free?

- [laughs]

- What? You don't think he can do it?

- Oh, no, no, I just saw your teacher's

giant horsey teeth. [laughter]

Hey, come here, Seabiscuit.

Eat some sugar cubes out of my palm.

- [scoffs] I don't want your--

actually, those do look delicious.

[munching loudly]

- Who likes it, huh? Who's a good boy?

[laughs]

Now, as to the question of whether Mitch can graduate

in the next minutes,

I find it highly unlikely,

because Miss Shapen isn't even here to administer the test.

- No problem.

Seems like as good a time as any

for a "just stopping by."

- What's a "just stopping by?"

Oh--

[door opens]

- Just stopping by.

Hey, sailor.

Looking for a first mate?

- Mitch Bilsky's ready to take his final test

to pass high school.

- Then the first matin' can be waitin'.

It's time for administratin'.

Let the test begin!

- ♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down ♪

♪ Can't keep me down ♪

♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down ♪

♪ Can't keep me down ♪ - [belches]

- ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't keep me down ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm on my way, my way to the top ♪

♪ Any way I can get there ♪

♪ I won't stop ♪ - [screams]

- ♪ And I'll keep it movin' ♪ - I'm okay.

- ♪ Jump up outside ♪

♪ And the clock is tick, tick, ticking ♪

♪ But you can count on I ♪

♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down ♪

♪ Can't keep me down ♪

♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down ♪

♪ Can't keep me down ♪

♪ You can't keep me ♪

♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down ♪

♪ Can't keep me down ♪

♪ You can't keep me, can't keep me down, down ♪

- Well, it looks like you passed all your tests.

[all cheering]

- No!

- Here's my bank account and routing numbers.

No rush. At your convenience.

- But there is one more thing.

- Yes!

- You gotta b*at me in arm wrasslin'.

[dishes clatter]

[laughter]

- Oh, you've got this, Mitch.

- Heck yeah, I got this.

She's got them weak administratin' arms.

- Yeah, but I use a weighted pen.

[fabric tearing]

Someone call it.

- I'll call it.

I've reffed a few arm wrestling matches,

and I got my own strap.

- You're gonna lose, man.

You're a Bilsky, and Bilskys are losers.

- Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you a Bilsky too?

- Oh, yeah.

Well, you're still gonna lose.

- One, two, three, four. I declare an arm w*r!

- Come on, Mitch! You've got it!

You got this! I believe in you! - Come on!

[all cheering]

- You got it, you got it! You got it.

- I think I hear Judge Tootie coming up the road.

- Ahh! Those teeth!

[all cheering]

- Mitch!

- All rise.

- We're already risen.

- Too late, Judge.

Mitch Bilsky just graduated. - Really?

He arm wrestled and everything? - Yep.

Congratulations, kid.

It's been fun watching you go through high school

for years.

- Very well then.

Because Mitch has graduated,

according to Swellview's wacky laws,

his record is clean.

- Yeah!

- I graduated! - You graduated!

- I'm gonna be the richest dude in Swellview!

- And I'm gonna be the second richest,

'cause you're gonna give me half, right?

- No, no, you gotta give me half.

I'm your brother.

- Dude, you were a total gunch to me.

- I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll tell the cop the truth.

I robbed the pet store on my own,

and I planted the furtles in your pants

while you were sleeping.

- You know I'm standing behind you, right?

- [screams]

[fabric tearing] Ow!

- Hey, I know I said no rush on giving me half your money but

I'm in a bit of a jam, so--

- Sorry, Professor Bucktooth. - Nice.

- I'm giving my money to someone who helped me

in my darkest hour

when everyone else had given up.

- You mean Mika?

- I mean me.

[laughs]

I'm buying an island!

- Aw, hey.

You okay?

- Yeah, it's just...

I don't know how I'm ever gonna get enough money

to get my regular teeth back.

- Hey, have you ever thought of seeing how much

Kid Dentist charges?

- Kid Dentist?

- Yeah. I think he's also a lawyer.

- Forgive me, Mr. Manchester.

I had a putt-putt game with Judge Tootie.

- [muffled] Ah, that's okay.

- So... [drill whirring]

Any big weekend plans?

- [muffled] Uh, no.

Probably just gonna-- [drill whirring]

[screaming]

- ♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪

♪ The second I see trouble I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'm okay ♪

♪ I'm okay! ♪

♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪

[whimsical tune]