02x17 - Let's Go to the Movies!

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- All right, who's ready to learn

how to truly hurt a bad guy?

- Always. - Already know, ready to show.

- Absolutely love learning!

- Sticks and stones, they'll break his bones.

[all yelling excitedly] - Stop!

Anybody can hurt a bad guy with weapons.

- That's kind of the point. - That's why we have them.

- Or with sh**ting lightning out of your hands

or super screaming

or teleporting them into a volcano

or brain-lifting a Swellview city bus

onto their face.

- We're literally the only ones that can do that.

- Yeah. - Watch.

- Ah, quit it!

Ow!

Watch the hair! - [laughs]

- Now, the superior hero wins the battle

before the first punch is even thrown

by hurting a bad guy's feelings.

- Boo! Why do you always--? [all groaning]

- Observe.

The Burnometer.

Sicker the burn, the higher it goes,

because if you can att*ck a bad guy's insecurities,

you can destroy them from the inside out.

- Oh, so, if you were a bad guy, I'd say something like--

- No, we're not doing me.

- Ray, do you just skip leg day,

or do you have a religious exemption from it?

[laughter]

[bell dings] - Nice!

- Hilarious.

You're supposed to be roasting the dummy.

- Uh, I think she just did.

- Oh! [bell dings]

[laughter]

- Nice! - No, no.

Talk to the dummy.

- Okay.

Hey, dummy, how does it feel

knowing you and Ray Manchester have the same number

of adult friends?

- Oh. [bell dings]

- [laughs]

You literally have no shirt,

but somehow it's still bigger than the ones Ray wears.

[bell dings] - Ooh.

- Yes! - I wear normal-size shirts.

So... - Yeah, normal for a doll.

[bell dings] - [laughs]

- This shirt is a European L.

- Uh, does the L stand for "little too small"?

[laughter, bell dings]

- No, it stands for "leave me alone," okay?

- Like Henry does, every time you text him?

[bell dings, laughter]

- Okay, the reception in Dystopia is terrible.

And since when can you talk?

- These roasts gave me the spark of life.

- Thank you. [excited chatter]

- Aah! - Oh, my--

- Deuce Van Nuys is on his way to the Man's Nest.

- [gasps] - Who's Deuce Van Nuys?

- Oh, he's this big jerky film producer who tricked Ray

and the kids into driving a fake movie to Hollywood.

- No reaction to the fact this dummy's suddenly alive?

- I sold Deuce a pitch for a vampire movie

set at a college and starring Ryan Reynolds.

I'm about to get paid!

- Oh, no, you're not!

[bell dings]

both: What?

- Deuce said the deal is deadsies.

- But it can't be deadsies.

It was about to start filming next month.

- He said Ryan Reynolds has been canceled

for being too handsome, too smart, and too funny.

- Mm. - He is all of the above.

- Kind of brought it on himself when you think about it.

- Why am I just finding out about this now?

- I don't know.

He said he's been leaving messages

with someone in the Man's Nest for weeks.

[dramatic music]

- Did I not tell you about those calls?

- [groans]

- Well, uh, Deuce Van Nuys called.

He said your movie fell through and he's coming in two weeks

to hear more ideas.

But that was two weeks ago, so...

- How many days are in a week?

- Eight. - No.

- Oh, my God, Deuce is coming today.

- But I already spent my movie money

on the dress I was gonna wear at the premiere.

[dreamlike harp music]

Should I pop the tag?

We like it? This is it? This is the one?

[enthusiastic cheering] - It looks great!

- Should I pop it? - It looks amazing!

It's worth every penny. Now just pop the tag!

[all cheer]

[upbeat music plays]

- No regrets!

Yeah!

- You should not have popped the tag.

[indistinct chatter]

- Right? No, she don't listen.

She does this at home all the time.

- Oh, I can't return that dress.

What am I gonna do if this movie falls through?

- Well, if I know my sister,

she's got, like, a million movie ideas.

So, come on, hit us with a good one.

- Okay. [laughs]

[clears throat] It's about this dog

who's also a cat and an astronaut

and, you guys, I got nothin'.

[beeping] - Deuce Van Nuys is upstairs.

- [squeals] Okay, go upstairs and stall him

while I think of another idea.

- But I'm Schwoz from work.

I can't go talk to him as Schwoz, or he'll know me.

- Then have our agent, Lefty Schwartz,

go upstairs and stall him.

- And people do like Lefty Schwartz.

- Mm, great, now go and tell

that long, boring story about your life.

- Once upon a time, there was a baby Schwoz--

- Tell it to Deuce! - Okay!

- [pants] You guys, what am I gonna pitch him?

- Relax. We're gonna help you, right?

- Yeah, I got a couple ideas. - Sure.

- You guys would do that for me?

- Of course we would.

- As long as I'm also getting paid.

- I just really want to go back to Hollywood.

Everyone is so honest and nice there.

- I got an idea.

How about a movie about a superhero

with normal-sized shirts who only occasionally skips leg day

who runs a school

for incredibly ungrateful children?

[all imitate buzzer]

- Sounds more like a TV show.

- Yeah, and does the world really need

a new superhero movie?

- [sighs] I blame the studio system

that relies on established properties

instead of original content.

- Okay, so what have you got?

- A buddy-cop movie.

[siren wailing, upbeat music]

It's about a burnt-out detective

one week from retirement.

- [groans] Boy, am I burnt out.

[groans] Chief Screamy, you wanted to see me?

- I know you're only one week away from retirement, Burtaugh,

but the vice mayor's all over me

about crime being too crime-y.

About to give me a god-dang ulcer.

So I'm giving you a psychotic partner.

- I feel like I've seen this movie.

- Wait, I'm getting to the good part--

the psycho partner.

- Officer Wingnut, get in here!

- [Australian accent] I live in a solitary trailer

on a private California beach, which seems bad,

but in real life, it costs at least $ million.

- This guy can't be my partner. He's crazy!

- [Australian accent] You won't like each other

at first-- - He's got the accent.

- [normal voice] You won't like each other at first.

But as you work together to take down a common enemy,

you'll develop a begrudging respect.

- [sighs] You want to go take down a bad guy?

- Only if we break every rule in the book.

- Wait, wait, wait.

I've definitely seen this before.

- Like, , times.

- I was loving the chief.

- Why can't the buddy cops be girls?

- Yes.

And because they're girls,

they're, like, smarter. - Yeah.

So they solve the case, like, super fast.

- The bad guy's the chief.

- [Australian accent] Let's take him down.

Put your hands where I can see 'em.

- Wait, wait. Hold up. Wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Why's the chief's shirt got to be so small?

- We didn't say it was small.

I think everyone just sort of imagined it that way.

- Plus, I thought you said your shirts were normal size?

- Yeah. - They are normal size!

- If they were normal, then why are we seeing--

[all shouting]

[upbeat music]

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

Miss ShoutOut is running late. She's in a meeting.

- But our meeting is scheduled for right now.

And everybody knows in show business,

we always start exactly on time.

- While we wait, you mind if I pitch you a movie?

- [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.

That's my favorite thing in the whole world.

- Okay. - [normal voice] What?

- Once upon a time, there was a baby Schwozie.

- Wait-- - Eh--

- So who plays this Schwoz?

- [scoffs] Bradley Cooper.

- [laughs] I love B. Coops.

But if we don't get him...

both: Hugh Jackman, yeah!

- All right, keep going. Keep going, man.

- Okay, eh, it's December.

- Mm-hmm. - And Baby Schwozie is born

in a stable because there's no more room at the inn.

- Biblical, epic--I love it. - Yeah. Okay.

- It's a tailored shirt, okay? [all shouting]

- Okay, okay!

Everybody, shut up! - [mouths word]

- Deuce isn't gonna buy a buddy-cop movie!

Those are tired!

I need something edgier

if I'm gonna pay for that dress!

- I got something edgier. - Yeah, let's hear it.

- Please, tell me! I need ideas.

- Get out. - Okay.

- Get out. Get out. - Okay. Okay!

- It's about this game... - Uh-huh.

- Played by... - Yes?

- Kids. [all gasp]

♪ ♪

Whoever wins the games gets candy.

Whoever loses the games, something bad happens.

[all gasp]

- What happens to 'em?

- The guys in the blue onesies--

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

This is really scary. I got to pee.

- It's scary?

- Wow! - Are you serious?

- How is it scary?

- Your narrator is awful. - Nothing even--

- No! I am loving this idea.

I got to hear what happens next.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?

C-can we just take a quick bathroom break?

- Fine.

Go. Take a bathroom break.

Okay.

While we wait, I'll tell you

about the nation's fastest wireless network.

- I'm just gonna grab a snack. - Sounds like a commercial.

[door closes]

- Do you want to hear

about the nation's fastest wireless network?

- No.

- It all just kind of happened.

[overlapping chatter]

You get all that?

- ♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪

- We look amazing.

- You've been posing for hours.

[all shouting at once]

- That's right, keep walking, Schwoz.

Keep walking.

[upbeat music]

- It's been two whole minutes. Where's Bose?

- He's still peeing. Just start pitching again.

Deuce is upstairs.

He's looking for an idea,

and mama needs that sweet, sweet dress money!

- Okay, so...

- Sorry it took me so long.

I-I got stage fright.

- Can I please get back to my pitch?

- Yeah, yeah, so the kids play the games.

If they lose, the attractive guy

in the blue onesie does what? - Whichever kid loses...

dies. - Wow.

- Uh, this doesn't sound like a movie for kids.

- It's not, but kids will still watch it.

- No one can die.

- Yeah, instead of a giant boulder,

can't they just get hit in the face with a pie?

- Okay, stop, stop, stop.

This sounds like a rip-off of "Squid Game."

- Yeah. - Totally.

- It's the same idea.

Same exact idea. - I've never even heard

of "Squid Game." - Oh, come on.

- It's about people who play kid games.

- Yeah, yeah, the players wear green track suits,

and the bad guys wear red ones.

Now can I please just get back to what I was saying?

- Oh, I though you said you haven't heard of it.

- It's a parody. - Next!

- Parody now. - We're gonna have

different-colored track suits.

- Uh, can I go now?

- And please hurry up.

Deuce is waiting.

- Okay.

So you know how everyone loves squirrels, right?

- No. - Get to the pitch!

- It's about four squirrels who go on a bachelorette weekend

that will change their entire lives

and their friendship forever.

♪ ♪

The squirrels all went to college together

but then went their separate ways.

One of them is a lawyer.

One is a big-sh*t nut broker.

Another is a surgeon.

And another one just got out of a bad breakup

and is looking for love.

- This is surprisingly good.

- What happens next?

- That's when the aliens inv*de.

- Wait. Why are there aliens?

- They've come to Earth with an army of zombies

to steal our chocolate...

and to sing.

- Wait, it's a musical now?

- Why do the aliens have zombies?

- Yeah, that kind of went off the rails there.

- Was it ever on the rails?

- I mean, it started off with squirrels

at a bachelorette party.

That's relatable.

- Please, somebody, have a good idea!

- Okay.

I'll go.

- Anybody else!

Literally anybody. Uh, Tiny Ray?

- [high-pitched voice] Okay, so America loves chefs, right?

- I guess? - Sure.

- My idea was better. - What's a chef?

- And America loves tiny dudes.

So this movie's called...

"Tiny Chef."

♪ ♪

This doofus is the number-one chef in the world.

But he's got a little secret

hidden in his hat.

- Ooh! He's bald.

- Hey, man, I didn't interrupt your pitch!

- I'm sorry. Please continue.

- There's a little dude.

And he's controlling the big guy,

doing all the cheffing.

- Use the saffron.

Put it in there, come on!

Whisk it! Whisk it good!

No, I said simmer, not boil.

Faster, baby, faster! - What do you want?

- I hope Schwoz is doing a better job at stalling

than we are coming up with movie ideas.

- And then some ladies are like,

"You see this cat Schwoz is a bad"--

- Shut your mouth.

- I'm talking about Schwoz. - I can dig it.

- Schwoz is a complicated man.

And no one understands him

but his shape-shifting robot companion...

- Played by...

[both gasp] Benedict Cumberbatch.

[laughter] Okay!

♪ ♪

- And then in the middle of exam week

at Cooking College--

- Okay, where is this going?

- It's exam week.

And Big Chef is suddenly exposed as a fraud

when Tiny Chef falls out of his hat.

- [grunting]

- [laughing] Busted.

- So he gets fired and disgraced?

- No, stupid!

Because all the other big chefs got tiny chefs

inside their hats, too.

- [high-pitched voice] I said a pinch of salt!

- [high-pitched voice] Tenderize the meat.

Don't bludgeon it.

- [high-pitched voice] Restaurant industry

has been corrupted by the fast-food economy.

- [high-pitched voice] Whew, cheffing is hard work.

[silly jazz music]

- This movie is amazing.

Did it really happen?

- No, but we can just say it's "based on true events."

That kind of lie wins Oscars.

Boom. [chuckles]

No! No!

Aah! [muffled shouting] - There.

And that's enough from Tiny Ray.

- [screams]

- Hey, shut up.

Okay, you guys want to hear a really good pitch?

- Yes! - Obviously.

- Okay. - Ooh!

I bet Chest Monster's got some great ones.

- Yes! - Yeah.

- No, I meant from me. - I'll be right back.

- Okay, while they're gone,

I'll give you just a little taste of my idea. So--

[screams] Get off my foot, you stupid box!

[groans] - Miles tells me

you're looking for movie ideas.

- Yeah. - Yes, it would be amazing.

- You heard from the rest.

Now hear from the Chest.

- [laughs] I am already impressed.

- Okay, this movie stars Chapa.

- [gasps] I love it.

- She's a girl who's been wronged.

- Ooh.

[rock music]

- The bad guys k*lled the only thing she loved.

- Her family? - Her friends?

- Her dog?

- Worse. Her cell phone.

[all gasp]

♪ ♪

- Ding-dong.

- You're just pitching "John Wick."

- Oh, I've never even seen that Keanu Reeves movie.

- Oh, really? - Seriously?

- Get this guy out of here.

- No, no. I got more.

These two guys who say "Whoa" a lot

need to finish their history project.

both: Whoa.

- Luckily, they have a time-traveling phone booth.

- That's just "Bill & Ted." - We'll get sued.

- Nah, dog, it's a parody-- totally legal.

- Next. - A group of sky-diving surfers

dress up like ex-presidents and rob banks.

♪ ♪

- This is "Point Break."

- You're just pitching us Keanu Reeves movies!

- No!

- Do you have any original ideas?

- Hold up, hold up. I got another one.

- Is it "The Matrix"?

- Okay, I got a different one.

[all grumbling] - He's on a bus

that can't slow down.

[phone beeps]

- [sighs]

Schwoz says he's dying up there.

He can't stall Deuce much longer.

We got to get up there now. - Okay, um...

[all phones chiming] - Emergency call.

- Just ignore it. - What?

- Ignore it. We don't have time.

- Wait. We can't just ignore it.

- Yeah. It's an emergency call.

♪ ♪

- This is what we do! - It's an emergency call.

- Just ignore the call. I do it all the time.

- Oh, my God, really?

- If they're still using their phone,

how much of an emergency could it be?

- Thank you. - Wow.

[indistinct shouting] - [screams]

- Hey, did everybody see that we got an emergency call?

- Yeah. all: We know!

- I'm taking it.

- Oh. - Great.

- Hello, Danger Force.

This is ShoutOut. What's your emergency?

- [sobbing]

- Okay, ma'am,

you're gonna have to stop crying.

- I'm not a ma'am.

This is Mitch Bilsky, richest guy in Swellview.

- What's your emergency?

- Well, my brother, he climbed up a tree,

and I can't get him down.

- His brother? - Does he mean Jeff?

- I'm Jeff!

- He means Jeff.

- You guys got to come here

and get my brother out of this tree.

- No, Mitch, just microwave a burrito

and put it underneath the tree,

and eventually Jeff will get hungry and come down.

- Just like he did when you called us yesterday.

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Boy, being rich sure does make you forget things.

- [laughs] Right?

- Today I want carne asada! [phone beeps]

- Bye, Mitch.

- Oh, wait, wait! Um...

could you guys bring me a carne asada burrito?

I'd buy one myself, but all my cash is tied up

in DudeCoin.

- Goodbye, Mitch.

- But my brother is family.

- Just got this text from Schwoz.

"Still stalling Deuce.

"Running out of ideas for the movie about my life

"that I'm pitching him.

About to start the K-pop section."

- I don't know what that is.

[pop music playing]

- Which is why BTS

really stands for "By The Schwoz"!

- I can dig it.

♪ ♪

- Okay, here's my idea.

- Family. - What?

- Mitch Bilsky saying "family" just gave me an idea

for the greatest movie of all time.

- Seriously, that's all you needed?

- Yep, and this movie-- it's got everything.

- Does it have Keanu Reeves?

- Oh, my God, how'd you even get up here?

- I ran. Now tell us your idea.

- Okay.

Okay. [exhales sharply]

I'm glad everyone has a seat.

But you'll only need the edge of it.

both: Ooh. - Good opener.

- We open up on a battle scene--

two warriors fight in space!

[dramatic music]

- You're not my father.

- I know.

I'm your son.

[both gasp]

- Go on.

- Next, we're in a school for wizards.

- Wizards.

- I know I have wizard powers inside of me.

But my teacher...

he's so mean.

- I'm a wizard teacher.

And I'm mean.

- Loving it. Keep going.

- The wizards meet an archeologist

who makes an amazing discovery.

- [grunting]

[sweeping music]

♪ ♪

Why, these are my own bones...

and my own bracelet.

♪ ♪

- Just got goose bumps. - Whoa.

- What? - [laughs]

But there's no time to explain

because everyone's on a high-speed bike chase!

The bridge is out!

[dramatic music]

What are we gonna do?

- Don't need a bridge 'cause we've got family!

both: Chapa-nic, no!

♪ ♪

- So what happens to him?

- I'll tell you what happens.

His sister delivers

the greatest Oscar-bait monologue

in movie history!

[somber music]

His bones are in the ground now.

But his spirit lives on in all of us.

And maybe, just maybe...

the treasure was the friends we made along the way.

[swords humming]

Now fight!

♪ ♪

- That was amazing.

- Only thing missing was Keanu Reeves.

all: Oh, my God. Shut up, Chest Monster!

- Aw, why you got to do Chest Monster like that?

- We got to go upstairs and pitch this idea

to Deuce Van Nuys right now!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I love it, I love it. Just one question, though--

who's gonna play the muscle-bound narcissist

with the, uh, baby-sized shirts?

- Keanu Reeves, of course.

- Yes! [laughs]

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. You got to hear ShoutOut's pitch.

- Yeah, it's really good! - Someone dies.

- Too late.

Dummy pitched after me and sold a movie.

- Starring Keanu Reeves.

- Bye, dummies!

- [laughs]

both: Down the tube.

- I told you to pitch him a movie with Keanu Reeves.

- Schwoz, please ready the Man Cannon.

- Okay.

- Man Cannon? That sounds like something Chest--

Oh!

Why you got to do Chest Monster like that?

- ♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪

♪ The second I see trouble, I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'm okay ♪

♪ I'm okay! ♪

♪ Danger ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

♪ Danger! One, two, three, Force! ♪