03x07 - The Polterguest

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Gene Sing.
I have a reservation.

Wonderful. I see we have
you here for one night.

- Yes.
- So, where are you guys coming from?

Guys?

Uh, you can see me?

I just mean, uh, you and your luggage,

because here at Woodstone Mansion,

we treat your bags like people.

Oh, that's nice, I guess.

Oh, my. Ooh-wee!

Who's this tall drink of water?

- Ma'am.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]

Biscuits and gravy, you're a ghost.

Oh, my God. How's my hat?

- Still small and ugly.
- Shut up, Thor.

I'm sorry, uh, this lady can see us?

Yeah, yeah, she fell down the stairs

and hit her head and
now she can see ghosts.

She is freak, but has
good attitude about it.

How is it we've never seen you before?

Did you just expire on the property?

I am a poltergeist.

Which is a ghost attached to
a person instead of a place.

- Well, now.
- You're kidding me.

Basically, wherever Gene goes, I go.

- Who's Gene?
- Sam, we're gonna need a minute,

if you could just stall for a bit.

The credit card machine
looks like it didn't work,

so I will just, um,

need you to fill out
this form. [CHUCKLES]

So, I'm Alberta Haynes. Jazz singer.

m*rder victim. I enjoy
long moonlit strolls,

right up to the
boundary of the property.

Pleasure to meet you.
The name's Saul Henry.

The Saul Henry who used to
play for the n*gro Leagues?

I remember reading
about you in the papers.

Y'all, he played shortstop for
the Delaware Horseshoe Crabs.

Until one day,

we were up against
the Connecticut Quahogs

and I was hit in the head by a yakker.

- [GASPS]
- And it was lights out!

- Oh!
- For ol' Saul Henry.

Here you go.

Samantha, keep stalling.

Oh, we also ask our
customers to fill out

one of these comment cards. [CHUCKLES]

Before my stay?

Yeah, 'cause then we have
a baseline to compare it to

when you fill the other one
out at the end of your stay.

So, what's it like being
attached to a person?

Oh, it's not bad.

You see, Gene here's a dentist
who likes to travel the world

and take beautiful photographs.

But of all the exotic
locales I've been to,

why, you're the most breathtaking sight

- I've ever seen.
- [GIGGLES]

Wow, are we in Nebraska?
'Cause that was corny.

Just know when you're b*at, Peter.

Uh, here's your key.

But before you leave, I would love

to just talk to you a little bit

about the woodwork here in the lobby.

You know what? I'm good.

- Thanks.
- And we're off.

Oh!

[CHUCKLING] Well, uh,

enjoy your visit.

You too. Damn it. Why did I say that?

Uh... come up to my room

and smell a glass of wine later.

Is very nice invitation,
Thor think about it.

Shut up. I'll be there.

[GIGGLING]

♪ ♪

So, with your nuptials fast approaching,

we've got to start
nailing down some details.

We've got so much to
tell Samantha to do.

Well, I was actually
thinking it might be fun

to have a theme for the wedding.

Ooh, a theme could be fun.

Yes, yes, perhaps something
like "enchanted garden"

or "springtime in Paris"?

Mm. Actually, I was thinking...

"dinosaurs."

- Dinosaurs?
- I... I mean, unless it's overdone.

I mean, I will admit
that I'm not up to date

on the latest wedding trends.

Isaac, I love that
you have such passions,

but this new dinosaur fixation...

it's really just your hobby.

And the wedding, well,

it really should be about both of us.

As a wedding planner, it is
my job to remain impartial.

However, this idea is so terrible,

I really must side with Nigel.

Well, we will be walking down the aisle

to the Jurassic Park theme,
and that is nonnegotiable.

How's the planning
going? I can't tell you

how excited I am to attend this wedding.

I already know exactly
what I'm gonna wear.

[CHUCKLES]

You've already made that joke, Peter.

Comedy gets better with repetition.

NIGEL: Next up on the
agenda: our stag do's.

I believe you call
them bachelor parties.

Mine is tonight.

I'm here if you need any guidance.

I know we can't get drunk

or drive around Atlantic
City in a stretch Escalade,

but we can still party. Come on!

I went to a travel agent
convention in Atlantic City.

The battle for room
upgrades was intense,

let me tell you. [CHUCKLES]

NIGEL: Don't you worry, Trevor.

We Brits know how to have fun.

Which is why for my party, we
shall celebrate with toasts,

roasts, and if things get really wild,

an off-color limerick.

Oh! That sounds terrible.

Isaac, please tell me you
have something better planned.

Mine will be a wild,
ribald night of reciting

William Shakespeare's... wait for it...

sonnets.

You two are made for each other.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Well, I am excited to attend both.

I already have the
perfect outfit for each.

- It's still not funny.
- Just wait. [CHUCKLES]

ALBERTA: I can't believe I'm here

with the Saul Henry. [CHUCKLING]

[SNORING]

And sleeping Gene.

Well, unfortunately,
uh, Gene didn't order

- any wine for us to smell.
- Child, that's all right.

I'm more of a Sazerac
kind of girl myself.

Best one I ever had was
at Sunny's Sunshine Club.

What? I used to headline Sunny's.

- What?
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Say, did you know Tommy Two Times?

He used to work the door back in '23.

Know him? That fool still owed
me five dollars when I d*ed.

Ooh, I get mad just thinking about it.

Well, you know something,

you're kind of cute when you're mad.

- Oh, you think so?
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh! Mm...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, that's his prostate.

- Oh.
- But don't worry,

we'll have a solid 45
minutes when I get back.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hoo-wee.

NIGEL: [LAUGHS] That was
the best limerick yet.

Oh, Peter, you do amuse me.

This is the worst bachelor
party I've ever been to,

and I was at one where a flaming sh*t

set the groom's beard on fire.

I once saw the city of
Charleston go up in flames.

Guys, a bachelor party is
supposed to be a depraved affair

full of alcohol, dr*gs and lap dances.

Lap dances?

TREVOR: A lap dance is

when someone pretending
to be working their way

through college sits on your lap

and grinds their junk
up against your junk.

I think I could give it a try...

Baxter, a little accompaniment?

♪ ♪

Ooh, ooh...

Yes. Oh, my.

- [HUFFING]
- Oh, my.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

And how do we feel about Nigel
getting grinded on by his ex?

Thor appreciate the artistry,

but feel Isaac might not be so amused.

I'm making my way through university.

NIGEL: Oh, yes, you are.

[GIGGLING]

SAMANTHA: So, has
anyone spoken to Alberta?

She was supposed to hang
out with Saul last night.

Right. The clinger that's
attached to the dentist

in the Maple Suite? So creepy.

All I'll say is, Alberta
missed our morning walk.

Oh! I wonder if they hooked up.

Good morning. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, if you fools are waiting
around for juicy details,

you can forget it,

'cause I am telling you nothing.

No. No, no, no. We would never.

Good. 'Cause what happened
between me and Saul

up in that room is
none of your business.

And I'm talking about
all three times. [LAUGHS]

- [WHOOPS]
- Nice one, Alberta!

They did it, Jay.

Guy comes to the Hudson
Valley, maybe to see some birds.

Instead, he finds himself
an unknowing participant

in an interdimensional threesome.

But I got to admit, though,

as nice as the physical element was,

I actually kind of like Saul.

I'll be sad to see him go.

- Bertie.
- Alberta. She said she's gonna be sad

to see him go. Hey.

Okay, so, checking out.

SAMANTHA: Okay.

- And how was your night?
- Good.

Although there was a rather loud

humming sound in the room.

My bad. [GIGGLES] But also your bad.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I wish you weren't leaving.

Uh... Oh. Oh, wow, Gene.

It says here that you are
actually our 1,000th customer.

Not even close.

And as such, you're
entitled to extend your stay

- by an extra night, free of charge.
- HETTY: Oh.

Wow, tempting, but, um, no, thank you.

I think I have to get back to Philly.

- I'll help you with your bags.
- Great.

- Uh, thanks a lot, folks. Take care.
- Uh-huh.

Ooh! Oh, ooh, ooh...

Ugh, it's painful when
you're dating someone

who's attached to something.

As I know, because of the car ghost.

You know, Jessica.
Who was my girlfriend.

The point is I had a girlfriend.

[SMACKS LIPS] That was
a long walk, Sasappis.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

I wish we had more time together.

Actually, there is another way.

Now, it's extremely painful,

but if I can focus hard enough,

I can actually sort of jerk my body off

of one host and onto another.

You'd do that for me?

Anything for you.

GENE: Hey, thanks again for everything.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] Mean Gene!

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- [GRUNTING]

Come on, now!

[SCREAMS]

That Gene is a nice guy.

- Uh, Jay?
- ALBERTA: Good news, y'all.

Saul jerked himself off onto Jay.

I'm staying.

I mean, the poor
schnook doesn't even know

there's a ghost attached to him.

Saul is now attached to you.

Oh, come on.

Do we shower in the
morning or the night?

You know what? Saul loves a surprise.

I don't know what Thor's talking about.

I rather like your hat.

[CHUCKLES] You little charmer.

Yeah, but I like the
woman underneath even more.

- Oh.
- Mm.

I'm sorry.

Sam.

Do you really need to be here?

It's my room.

What's happening?

What did Saul say?

Oh, I was talking to Alberta.

Alberta's in here, too?

She's not attached to anyone.

I hate this.

She's hanging out with Saul.

It's just...

it's a little hard for me and Saul

to express ourselves
physically with you right there.

Yeah, I mean Jay's one
thing. He needs to be here.

But you, well...

You know, that's just weird.

Uh, okay, I mean, I guess
I could go downstairs

and just maybe catch up on some emails.

Wait, what? Please tell me
you're taking Alberta with you.

I'm taking Alberta with me.

Really?

Jay, what do you want me to say here?

Nope. Mm-mm.

I'm not gonna lie here while two ghosts

canoodle on top of me,

so I'm gonna go make some tea.

You talk to Alberta
and you figure this out.

Let's go, Saul.

He didn't have to say that,

but I appreciate the warning.

I'll see you later.

Okay, when they get
back, you tell Jay I left.

Then, when he falls asleep,
you make yourself scarce.

And don't worry... I'll keep
the humming to a minimum.

Look, I'm excited for you,
but this isn't sustainable.

Sam, it's been a long
time since I've met a ghost

that I'm interested in.

This is a desert, and I'm parched,

and in walks this tall drink of water.

Do you really want to deny me that?

We got to tell Isaac about this, right?

I mean, getting a lap
dance is one thing,

but getting a lap dance from your ex?

I mean, that's just naughty.

Hey, what happens at a bachelor party

stays at a bachelor party.

It's a rule, Pete.

Well, I do love following rules.

- ISAAC: So?
- [ALL EXCLAIM]

How was the bachelor party, hmm?

I trust the limericks

- were sufficiently ribald?
- [LAUGHING]

Nigel got a lap dance from Jenkins!

- Pete!
- Oh, sorry.

Uh, uh, what is a lap dance?

- Well, it's...
- THOR: Lap dance is when

someone working their way through school

grinds their loins against
someone else's loins.

That's pretty good, actually.

Uh-oh.

I hope you boys aren't

recounting any of the racier
limericks from last night.

Because that would be a
real stag don't. [LAUGHS]

What exactly happened last
night between you and Jenkins?

It was all innocent.

Just a bit of stag do fun. In fact,

you should get a lap dance
at your party tonight.

No, thank you. I don't
want Jenkins in my lap.

It doesn't have to be Jenkins.

What if we ask Sam to
get you a real stripper?

Do they make house calls?

Pete, you're adorable.

That's a splendid idea.

Then you can see it was all in good fun.

Oh, hey, Sam,

we need you to hire a stripper

for Isaac's bachelor party tonight.

- Okay.
- Really? That worked?

There's a lot weirder stuff happening.

You caught me on a good week.

[WHISPERING]: Jay.

- Why are you whispering?
- Shh, shh, shh. Saul's asleep.

[WHISPERING]: Is it 'cause
they were doing it all night?

Probably.

I can't live like this, Sam.

The thing is, Alberta's
been in a desert.

What? What does that mean?

I just think we need to
consider her feelings here.

What about my feelings?

I'm a person, too, Sam.

What if we just gave
her, like, another month?

Are you out of your mind?

This is nuts, Sam.

Don't raise your voice at me.

I can't raise my
voice, that's the point.

I should be the priority.

I understand Alberta's
situation, but I got a guy

following me into the shower.

- Shh...
- Into the bathroom.

It's deeply, deeply weird.

Okay, fine, it is weird.

It's not fair to you.

I think we should just insist

that Saul jerks off onto someone else.

What?

That's what they call it when
they move to another host.

Why not just say that?

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: So, you want
me to dance for this empty chair?

Yeah, but if you could pretend

- that there's somebody in it?
- Right.

- See, the thing is...
- You don't have to explain.

That's what the money's for.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, don't "tee-hee" at him.

That's Isaac's stripper.

It's fine.

This is all rather silly,
to be honest. [LAUGHS]

["CANDY SHOP" BY 50 CENT PLAYING]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ So seductive ♪

♪ I take you to the candy shop ♪

♪ I let you lick the lollipop... ♪

This supposed to be some sort of

peak male specimen? [CHUCKLES]

I mean, he's okay, but...

Oh, my gods.

What are all of those?

I had those the summer I caught mono.

Oh, if only I could have d*ed then.

That is a cute stuffie.

Oh, uh, yeah, some kid
left their T. Rex here.

Actually, that's not a T.
Rex. That's a Dilophosaurus.

- Uh, a what?
- A Dilophosaurus.

It was a fast-moving
carnivore that roamed

during the early Jurassic period.

He knows about dinosaurs?

It's like that movie Weird Science.

This guy was made in a lab for Isaac.

Um, Samantha, could you ask him

to roar like a Dilophosaurus?

It's my party, and I'm the bachelor.

Would you maybe roar
like a Dilophosaurus?

Actually, uh...

... we don't really know
if Dilophosauruses roared.

Some scientists say it was
more like a series of clicks,

like... [CLICKING TONGUE]

♪ Not in your hand, ha-ha ♪
♪ I take you to the candy shop ♪

♪ I let you lick the lollipop... ♪

- [CONTINUES CLICKING]
- I love lap dances!

♪ Keep goin' until you hit the spot. ♪

SAMANTHA: You've traveled
a lot of places with Gene.

What was your favorite?

I guess I'd have to say Italy.

Yeah, there was this small little town

in the mountains, right
outside of Positano,

with this restaurant
with a little old nonna

who would hand-roll pasta every morning.

The smells were incredible.

What if I told you Jay could take you

to that little Italian town,

and you could jerk off onto that nonna?

Just 'cause they say it
doesn't mean we have to.

Oh, there you are. [CHUCKLES]

What's going on?

- Alberta's here.
- Aw...

Your Livings here are
trying to tear us apart

by bribing me to move to Italy.

What the hell, Sam? I can't believe you.

I get that my relationship
is an inconvenience for you,

but that does not give you the right

to sabotage me and Saul,
you selfish, selfish woman.

Alberta, I didn't mean to...

Ah-ah-ah! I don't want to hear it.

Come on, Saul.

Can you tell Jay to leave, too?

I'd like Saul to storm out with me.

I'm so sorry about Sam and Jay.

I can't believe they
would do that to us.

Yeah, I hear you.

I can't even stand to
be around Jay right now,

but, you know.

I mean, they don't know.
This could be something real.

Could be? Why, this is something real.

Oh... [CHUCKLES]

Nothing's gonna drive me
away from you, sugarplum.

Oh, I didn't know we were
doing pet names so soon,

but okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean it. You don't have to worry now.

- I'm gonna be with you forever.
- Ah!

Forever. That's a long
time, especially compared to

the two days that
we've known each other.

Even when Jay gets old and dies,

I'll simply jerk myself
off onto someone else.

And then the next guy

and the next guy and the next...

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

... and the next guy for
a thousand generations.

Just so I can stay with you.

But isn't it painful
for you when you do that?

Well, nothing compares to the pain

of being away from my cuddle muffin.

Ha, another nickname!

[LAUGHS] They coming
fast and furious now.

Oh, my God.

So, don't keep me on tenterhooks.

Do you see now that lap
dances are all innocent fun?

Yes. Absolutely. Meant nothing.

See, that's the thing about you and me.

When you have the solid foundation,

where two people understand
each other so well...

You want to talk about
a real solid foundation?

Each leg of a Brachiosaurus
weighs over 10,000 pounds.

NIGEL: Trust and respect.

These are the hallmarks
of a good relationship.

Yeah. Which makes me even more certain

than I was before about
our upcoming nuptials.

Because you and I, we just click.

[CLICKING TONGUE]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Uh-huh. ♪

I love clicking.

Interesting way to put it.

Sam, I think we need to talk.

I couldn't agree more.
I owe you an apology.

Jay and I should not have gone

behind your back to talk to Saul.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- [WHISPERING]: That clinger's got to go, Sam.
- What?

The tide has turned.
The clinger is clingy.

And no one could have seen it coming.

I thought you two were
really getting along.

Well, you know how I
said that I was parched?

But then I had some water

and then I had some more.

And now my thirst is quenched,

- but the water is still here.
- [DOOR OPENS]

And it's too much water.
What I'm saying is,

- I'm drowning, Sam.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

JAY: Hey, babe.

I just got back from the library.

- The library?
- Yeah.

I'm trying to do things an
interesting person would do.

I don't know, I'm
feeling a lot of pressure.

Saul, I think we need to talk.

I-I will leave you two alone.

- I'm coming with you.
- No. Jay,

you need to stay.

Alberta needs to talk to Saul.

- About what?
- Jay!

So, what is it, my little
slice of angel food cake?

Off of that... Saul, I've dated my share

of dishonest men, so I want
to be straight with you.

- This ain't working out for me.
- I see.

Aw, damn it. Hey, Sam, I-I
left my phone in the car.

Sam!

Honey, I'm glad you
walked through that door

and grateful for the
time we had together.

It's just, um, how do I put this? Uh...

You think I'm clingy, don't you?

That's exactly right. Well said.

Damn it, Saul, you done done it again!

You know, some ghosts
theorize that us clingers

are doomed to this existence

because we get too, um... attached.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Can I get a magazine?

A-are they done talking?

But I totally get it, Alberta,

and I appreciate your honesty.

I just wish I had known
before I left Gene.

I mean, that man took me to see
the northern lights last year,

and Jay's taken me to Sonic
three times this weekend.

Oh, well, this is where
having a Living you can talk to

comes in handy.

GENE: You-you came all the way
to Philly to give me an umbrella?

- I don't even think this is mine.
- Are you a hugger?

I mean, I'm not owed
because of the umbrella,

but it would be a nice gesture.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I'm already back on Gene now.

Come on, buddy.

- I don't... I...
- Come on.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.

Now, that is a clinger.

Ooh, I'm not really sure how
long I'm supposed to stay here.

Alone at last. Wait,
we are alone, aren't we?

- Saul's definitely gone, right?
- Yes, Jay.

You know, this whole thing
with Saul and Alberta,

it's just made me
realize how lucky we are

to have found each other.

Hmm, we are really lucky.

And it's pretty nice to have
our bedroom back to ourselves.

Okay. Hint received.

Should I put on the sexy playlist?

Oh, actually, I have something.

["CANDY SHOP" BY 50 CENT PLAYING]

- Oh.
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- Oh.
- Hey.

Wocka, wocka.

- Wow, you like that?
- I do.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, what's that funny
thing sometimes you say

from Crocodile Dundee?

[AUSSIE ACCENT]: That's not a Kn*fe.

This is a Kn*fe.

Oh, crikey.

Really?

♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪

- ♪ Want one taste of what I got? ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh. ♪