01x05 - Very Erectus

[bunniefuu]

Rapunzel, get over here!

I'm sorry I did this to you.

It was selfish.

When I'm finished
with this little bitch...

...boom!

Get out of here. Get out of here now.

Is this it?

We're out of gas.

And doesn't that mean
something's gonna...

Watch where you're going!

For two days now, every time
we've stopped for... any reason,

- there's been a...
- A death.

Yes. Or deaths.

Something's weird.

Just one thing?

There's no...

There's no Dirk Gently here.

Seattle's a big city.

The city doesn't matter.

Either I go to the target,
or the... the target goes to me.

The city's just a backdrop.

So I'm gonna...

I'm gonna stand here
until something happens.

You're gonna... We're parked
in front of a bus stop.

Okay.

So exciting

that Patrick Spring left us
buried treasure.

How do you even know what
we're looking for is buried?

Treasure is always buried.

Who said anything about treasure?

W-We have no idea what
we're looking for, do we?

I mean, what was all that stuff
you said in the trap room

about "three questions, one answer"?

Yeah, you're right. At this point,

I feel like it probably
is just going to lead

to seven more maps leading
to seven more secret rooms

in seven more basements.

Well, we dig it up,
and we get back home.

I don't like leaving Amanda alone.

It'll be all right.

We've got this absolutely under control.

Honestly, I'm just relieved
we got through the drive

without anyone or anything
trying to k*ll us.

He knows something.

Of course he knows something...

he's Patrick Spring's lawyer.

Well, you'd think he'd want to tell us

if it meant finding Lydia.

I'm not saying he knows where Lydia is,

but he certainly knows who
Patrick Spring's enemies were.

So, what now?

We follow up on Rimmer.

This kind of stuff
happens to you all the time,

- doesn't it?
- Hmm?

I mean, weird things.

Supernatural things.

What's weird?

Well, Patrick Spring knowing
you and I would meet

and solve all those
puzzle traps together?

Oh, that. Yes, that's weird,

but it could've been a coincidence.

No. No way.

You don't just stumble into that.

Well, technically,
we did just stumble into that.

Okay, you know what I mean.

There's some kind of thing,
like... a power.

A power? No, I'm just a man,
a normal detective man.

No, there's some other thing.

T-This holistic stuff is garbage.

It's...

It's you.

There's... There's something about you.

Look, I'm not psychic. Drop it.

Who said you were psychic?

You did. Didn't you?

Did I, though?

Look, can't you just go back
to complaining? This isn't...

No, no, no.
We are having this conversation.

Here.

Let's do an experiment.

Tell me what I drew on the napkin.

- No.
- Why not?

Look, I can't explain it, okay?

I learned a long time ago that
things don't always make sense

the way people want them to.

I accept that, and you're
going to have to, too.

Too. To, too.

Too. Two?

You want to do everything.
Why don't you want to do this?

Look, I don't have time for
or interest in

talking about your stupid
picture of a cowboy.

Hey! Hey, hey, wait!

Hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, that nice chef traded me
this jeep for the Corvette.

Traded the... Wait. What?

- Why?
- Well, I showed him our map,

and he said we couldn't get to
where we need to go in that car.

We're going off-road.

Wait, you... you traded
the Corvette for this?

Oh, don't worry. It was just a rental.

Oh, here.

I got you this new shirt
in the gift shop.

Did you... How could you...

Well, come on, we're wasting daylight.

Now, um...

So, do I, um...

And then...

"Project Incubus," a.k.a. "The Rowdy 3."

Normally, confronting these subjects

would be a 40-man operation.

I'd want 10 men for every one of them.

Well, I appreciate your confidence

in me providing adequate support, sir.

That's not exactly what I was saying.

Let me be clear...

under no circumstances are you to engage

unless I give the word.

Understood. May I suggest "cinnamon"?

What?

As the word you give.

In situations like this...

well, in different situations from this,

I use the word "cinnamon,"
so I thought...

Corporal Friedkin...

...did you read the files I gave you?

Yes, sir. I read them.

It was a couple days ago, though,

and some of the words
were really hard to understand.

"The Rowdy 3" are "Project Incubus."

They were some of the first
subjects taken into Black Wing.

They subside through
the extortion of psychic energy.

Originally, we classified them
as vampires.

Whoa. W... Shouldn't we have,
like, wooden stakes, then,

and golden b*ll*ts?

No.

Golden b*ll*ts?

W...

We're not trying to k*ll anyone.

Just... follow my lead.

Sir...

...if you don't mind me asking,

why didn't they send you any backup?

I mean, why didn't they
send you more backup?

It has been suggested
that I'm too close.

Too emotionally involved,
and that blinds me

to the realities of the situation,

But the truth is, no one knows
these people the way I do.

If we handle this calmly,
these men can be reasoned with.

Understood?

Cinnamon.

No.

No.

Are you sure it was a safe idea

to get into a van with a bunch of,
uh... crazy strangers?

You sure it's safe idea to let
a crazy stranger in your van?

- Oh!
- She totally flipped it!

Flip-flop-flipped!

Yeah, well, this is not
the first van full of assholes

- that I've ridden around in.
- Whoa-ho-ho.

Except I was usually drunk.

Bottoms up! Drink it!

Whoo!

Whoo!

So, who are... Are you guys, like...

I'm Martin,

that's Gripps,

he's Vogle, and that one
right there... he's Cross.

- I'm Cross.
- That's what he said.

Are you Dirk's friends?

Who's Dirk?

The guy that you've been following.

The... The British guy

who you do, like, the zappy thing to.

That's your friend.

He ain't no friend of ours.

- Oh!
- Yeah, he's not our friend. He's British!

- Yeah.
- Oh!

The only reason
we've been following him around

since his energy tastes so good.

He's got gourmet panic...
ain't that right, boys?

- Yeah!
- Mmm!

His energy?

What are you guys... like, hippies?

- Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.
- No.

Is that what you did to me?

You, like, ate my emotions?

You sucked the energy out of my nerves?

You catch on quick.

Now, that thing you got, it's like a...

how would you say?...
uh, a buffet for us.

- Mmm!
- Like fear?

Mmm! Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

- Pain?
- Ow!

Mmm, nom, nom, nom.

- Confusion? Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
- It was so crazy!

We've never seen anything
like it before!

You were, like, gonzo-nutballs!

Yeah, your eyes were all funny.

You see anything cool?

Yeah.

Rimmer? Sure, I know him.

He works here.

That was Gordon Rimmer's house
that got burnt down?

Yes, b*rned to the ground.

Yeah, I saw that on the news.

Wait, so you think Gordon
had something to do

with that body that was found
in his house?

Was it really Lux DuJour?

It's part of an ongoing investigation.

I can't believe he's really dead.

You don't seem very surprised

that Gordon Rimmer might have
been involved in a crime.

I think everybody saw that coming.

- Why?
- Well, the guy's a prick.

Did you work closely with him?

No, thank God.

He used to be in charge
of the old Animal Transfer Unit,

- but it's abandoned now.
- What's in it?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Really?

Yeah.

You're saying that

there's an abandoned building
on zoo property

that Gordon Rimmer had access to?

Yeah, it's condemned,
supposed to get torn down.

Well, do you think we can get
a look at this building?

- I don't have keys.
- Who has keys?

You'll have to talk
to the operations manager.

It's a property thing.

Okay, well, thank you for your time.

No problem.

How do we know

this is the right spot?

The map isn't exactly specific.

Well, Patrick Spring
obviously believed in us.

I kind of hoped you'd randomly lead us

to the exact right place.

I did.

No, I stopped the car to check the map,

and then you got out to start digging.

- That's not...
- I'm sure it'll all work out,

as long as we find
the thing we're looking for.

And what's that again?

Well...

we'll know it when we find it.

You are psychic.

No, I'm...

digging.

Mnh. Ohh. Oof.

Are you hungry?

- No.
- Well, I'm starving.

There's a restaurant right there.

You want me to bring you back something?

Doesn't matter.

Look... you really think

you'll miss your opportunity
to k*ll Dirk Gently by...

...eating some human food?

What's this?

- Sweet-and-sour pork.
- Pork?

Yeah, pork. You know, pig?

Why do people call it "pork"?

So we don't feel guilty
about eating pigs.

I never seen any of this before.

You've never had Chinese food?

I never been to China.

But you must have eaten it
in a restaurant.

Food comes to me
when I'm supposed to eat it.

Hey, listen, um...

you wouldn't happen to have any money?

I have money.

How much do you have?

$17,000.

Whose rooms are these?

It's ours.

What?!

How?

I... It's a hotel.

I mean, have you ever...

You've never slept
in a hotel room before.

All this stuff, your own room...

it's kind of a parade
just to sleep, right?

Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.

They got a shower in here?!

Bart, are you okay?

As much as I ever am.

Well, y-you've been in there
a... a while.

This drink tastes bad!

D-Drink? What?

No, no, no, no, no, that's shampoo.

That... D-Don't drink that!

That's for your hair.

Well, why does it got a fruit
on the bottle?

Hey, Ken?

Yeah?

You're still here.

Hm. Yeah, I am.

Dirk?

Oh, don't tell me you're giving up.

We've only dug, like... what... 30...

million holes?

I think we're in the wrong spot.

W-We got to double-check the map.

What if maybe the X's aren't
even for something buried?

Well, we have to dig somewhere.

I mean, I think the ground
is a great place to start.

You're right. I take it back.
You're not psychic.

What a relief.

Look, it's late.

Let's pack it in for the night

and try another one of the marks
on the map in the morning.

You gain nothing from giving up, Todd.

Oh, don't start with
the Zen master stuff, okay?

It worked a lot better

before I figured out
you were a mess, too.

Fair point, I suppose.

But wouldn't it just be one more
thing you walked away from?

You know, I was thinking
about those trap rooms,

how you solve them,

but then there's always another,

and I think...
maybe life is like that, too...

just an endless series
of rooms with puzzles in,

and, eventually, one of them kills you.

That's dark and depressing.

Well, giving up is an answer, I suppose.

It'd certainly be easier.

But it's an easy road to nowhere.

What if one more shovel in
the dirt is all it would take?

Go ahead.

One more, and then we quit.

Nah, you're right, Todd.

Let's move back to Kansas
and be farmers.

Come on.

What? No, one more,
just to prove me wrong.

No, when you're right, you're right,

and you're right... let's quit.

You want to try one more, try one more.

Look, all I was saying is,

if you don't try, you'll never know.

I get it! But now I can't leave.

I knew it.

What is it?

A thing.

- Yeah!
- Let's go, boys!

Show Drummer how we have fun!

- Oh, yeah!
- Hey! Hey!

Hey, stop! Stop!

Yeah!

Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Whoo!

Yeah!

- Whoo!
- Look at that!

Ah! Mnh!

Go on. Hurt it.

Yeah!

Yah! Ha!

- Amanda!
- Come on.

Come on. Yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

Aah!

You're not going to have to
worry about that sh*t anymore.

You brought the cat.

Well, of course I did.

Are you ever gonna tell me
why you took it

from the crime scene?

Hunch?

Of course.

Aww.

Ohh. My back is k*lling me.

I haven't slept in a car
since my last band.

When was that?

Aw, geez.

Um... must be six years ago now?

Yeah, it... it didn't end... perfect.

I actually kind of
messed it up pretty bad.

Some not great...

No, some... some really bad choices.

You know, Todd,

something I've learned is that

when I'm looking behind me,
I can't see ahead of me.

Are you saying that dwelling
on my past is holding me back?

No, I literally can't see over there

when I'm looking back there.

Which is why it's good to have you here.

Together, we can see
in two places at once.

Want to dig up some more
weird crap buried by a dead guy?

More than anything else in the world.

What does this have to do
with the missing girl?

Well, we have reason to believe

that she was last seen
with Gordon Rimmer.

By the, uh, the bellhop.

- Yeah, by the bellhop.
- Yes, by Todd Brotzman.

Todd Brotzman.

Plus, we just spoke
to the top zoo official

about getting into the building
where Rimmer worked.

And they said the place,
the Animal Transfer Unit,

- is condemned.
- Yeah, locked up.

- Nothing there.
- Nothing there, so they say.

- And you don't believe them?
- No, we don't believe them,

so please, why can't we
just go inside, take a look?

Well, it doesn't sound like
you got enough for a warrant.

What?

What is this... a joke?

Gordon Rimmer was seen
with Lydia Spring.

The very next day,
his house burns down...

they find a body inside.

His dog was visible on a tape
from the Perriman Grand!

His dog!

And now we're telling you
that we have access

to an abandoned building
where he used to work!

And you're telling us
we can't go inside?!

Plus, Animal Control never followed up

on that missing shark.

Plus, Animal Control...

I don't see it,

and I don't think a judge will, either.

Move on.

What was that?

What the hell just happened to us?

Am... Am I losing my mind?

No, you're not losing your mind.
I don't know.

Maybe he's covering
for some Major Crimes sh*t-fit.

I don't know.

We're not wasting any more time.

What are you thinking?

Are we sure this is all of them?

Here, here.

Like this.

That's the wrong... Oh, oh.

Ah, yes. No.

I was just about to do that.

Tremendous assisting, Todd.

What do you think this thing is?

Maybe Edgar Spring's machine,
the Unlimited Energy Device.

Really?

I don't know, but if we can
trade it for Lydia Spring,

I should think it's our top priority.

Listen, Dirk, I've been meaning
to ask you something.

Do you ever, like... see things?

See things?

Like visions of the future?

- No, of course not.
- Okay, right.

This... This might sound crazy,

but when you gave me this shirt...

Okay.

I've seen this shirt before.

Listen, the day it all happened,

the day Patrick Spring d*ed,
I saw something.

I saw something really...

Look out!

Oh!

- Oh, oh!
- Aah!

Mnh!

Oh, sh*t!

Aah, aah, aah!

Dirk!

Jed, get down! He's got the shark!

A kitten and a shark.

The kitten is the shark.

Todd...

...I think we found the m*rder w*apon.

No visual on the Incubus Subjects.

They're close. I'll handle it.

You watch from here.

Visual on the girl.

Don't move.

Got it.

It's your birthday!

Oh! Ah!

Huh? Huh? Yeah!

Vogle! Boys! We need to talk!

Martin, we need to talk.

You should not be here.

Now, the Rowdy 3 ain't got
no use for you.

Simmer down.

You're gonna have to do
more than that to scare me.

S-Shut up with that sh*t!

You kiss your mother
with that mouth, Cross?

You see what you did there?

You stepped yourself
into a nasty situation.

You don't tell us what to do no more.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
I just want to talk.

- We should stomp his ass.
- Gripps.

Your family misses you, Gripps.

Your family's gonna miss you, too.

What are we waiting for?!

It's him! He's the guy!

Let's stomp his ass!

That's very tough, Vogle.
You sound like a real grown-up.

You... Now, you ain't gonna
put me and my Rowdy boys

back in no cages, man!

I'm trying to save your lives.

It's different this time.

We're not going back to no freak zoo!

- Drop the weapons!
- Aah!

What in God's name are you doing?

Drop the weapons and back down now!

- Let her go now.
- What?

Let her go. Let her go. Now.

- Just trying to take control
of the situation, sir. - No.

- We see you.
- Don't think we don't.

We're gonna get you.

S-Shut up and back down now!

That's low...

...even for your kind of scum.

Don't be scared, Drummer girl.

We'll see you again.

Let's go!

Aah!

Martin!

Vogle!

God damn it!

She bit me!

- That's enough.
- What?

Sir, I was just... just trying to...

Ohh!

This is bad.

This is very bad.

Are we actually doing this?

Yeah, we're actually gonna do this.

You're g*dd*mn right.
He was acting awfully funny.

Something's wrong.
Something's very wrong.

We're gonna go there right now.

But is it the right thing to do?

For Lydia.

If she's even still alive.

What kind of thing is that to say?

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to be positive here.
Stay positive.

Why didn't they just k*ll us
in our sleep and take the map?

I don't think they even knew we had it.

It was the machine they were after.

- Ow!
- Hold still.

Why did they have to be pink?

Ask the cook. It's his jeep.

Thanks, Todd.

You know, for someone
who constantly talks

about what an assh*le he is,
you're quite a good friend.

What?

No.

No, Dirk, I'm a terrible friend.

You just, like... project
that friend stuff onto me.

You know what I was thinking about

when I was staring down
the barrel of that g*n?

b*ll*ts?

Amanda.

How, if I die, there will be
no one to take care of her.

You're a good brother.

No. No, I'm a shitty brother.

I'm a shitty person.

I was thinking about how,
if I die right now,

I'll never have the chance

to make up for all the stuff
I've done to her.

D-Done to her?

Todd, I think with both of you
sharing the disease,

you supporting her has been...

I didn't have the disease.

I didn't have Pararibulitis.

What? Then...

It ran in my family.

I lied and said I did

so my parents would send me money

and I wouldn't have to work.

But why...

Why not just... get a job, or...

I don't know.

I can't even remember
the first time I lied about it.

I don't even relate
to that person anymore.

I just...

I-I don't know.

I don't know.

So...

when Amanda really got sick

with the disease that I was faking...

...I realized that she needed
the cash more than me,

so... I said I got better.

But it was too late.

My parents had already run out of money.

But you support her.

But...

- Maybe you...
- I couldn't.

She thinks I was cured of
a disease that she actually has.

Do you know how many times she's told me

that's what gets her through the day,

that's what gives her hope?

How could I take that away from her?

So...

there's your assistant,
friend, whatever, Dirk.

I am, and always have been
a total and complete assh*le.

Where's the kitten?

Oh.

sh*t.

Kitten!

Kitten!

Here, Kitten. Kitten!

Bart?

Bart, wait!

I'm sick of hangin' around
like a coconut.

You're slowin' me down.

All this sleeping and eating stuff

distracts you
from what you got to get done.

Wh... Wh... What are...

What are you going? What are you doing?

See? There we go.

Wait. Wait. What are you doing?

I'm gonna k*ll that guy.

That's Dirk Gently?

I don't know, Ken.
Let's k*ll him and find out.

Wait, what?

I thought we got over this.

This is not like Red and the bikers.

You can't just k*ll some guy
in broad daylight

in the middle of a crowded street.

It's what I do, Ken.

It's all I do.

It's the will of the universe.

I know.

I know, okay?

But you don't want
to end up in jail, right?

I mean, how are you going to
fulfill your mission

to k*ll to Dirk Gently

if you're locked up in a cell?

Maybe that's where Dirk Gently is.

In a women's prison?

You talk too much.

Hey! You! Dickhead!

Come over here!

Come here!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Listen to me.

No more arguments, no more excuses.

There is no stopping me,
no even slowing me down.

You touch me again,
you get in my way again,

I'm taking your head off.

- No one saw him.
- Oh, my God!

- Phoning 911 right now.
- Okay, I-I don't know.

I need pants.

I thought this building
was supposed to be locked up.

Run the plates, right?

Let's check it out first.

Whoa, what if they're in there?

If they're in there,
then they're in there.

Oh, this place has got all kinds
of code violations.

You think?

You ever seen graffiti like this?

This is some new kind of crazy.

What is this place, Zim?

Hm? Stay close. Keep quiet.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, that stinks.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, my God.



Like, 35 bodies.

I want to see the captain
stonewall this.

- This is headline news.
- Still no bars.

It's got to all that electrical stuff
in there causing interference.

Well, go, radio. Radio for some backup.

- Radio for the entire forensic team.
- Yeah.

God damn it,
call the whole National Guard!

There is gonna be trouble.

Yup.

I can smell it.

Zim, I just don't...

Zim?

Zim!

No, no. Come on, buddy.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

I told you to stay down!

Lydia?

Zim, you with me?

Shh, shh.

Get you up.

You need to get up. Come on.

Come on, God damn it! Come on!

Hang in there, Zim! You hear me?

Talk to me, buddy!

Hospital's only 10 minutes away.

You hear me?

Zim!

All right.

All right. All right.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. We're gonna
get you some help, man.

We're... We're gonna get you
some help, okay?

Don't do it, man. Don't.

S... Save...

Don't, Zim, please.

Save Lydia Spring.

No.

Oh, God.

sh*t, sh*t!

No!

Psst!

Psst!

We're never gonna find her.

It's... It's pointless.

She's long gone by now.

Have you ever felt directionless...

...like you didn't know what to do next?

I thought that was your thing.

"Everything is connected."

It is.

Everything is connected.

But only I can see it.

I'm not psychic.

But I am... something.

When I was young, I would get...
intuitions about things,

little hunches about
the way the universe worked.

But they never...

It was like reading in another language,

like signs with symbols
I didn't understand.

Well, then why don't you, you know,

use it to keep yourself safe or...

Because that's not how it works.

The hunches don't help me... ever.

So I figured I might as well use them

to try to help other people.

You're the first person

who's actually stuck around and helped.

You're the first person who's
actually acted like a friend,

whether you acknowledge it or not,

and to be totally candid...

I'm a bit sick of your bullshit, Todd.

What?

Well, I just wish you'd stop
saying you're an assh*le.

I don't think you are,
so it comes off a bit cheap.

Cheap?

Have you not been listening?

It's very easy to act like a jerk,

and then say,

"Well, I'm a jerk, so that's that."

But it's not like being
a bloody werewolf, is it?

It's just you making excuses
for your excuses.

I don't have any friends.

I am always surrounded

by bizarre and frightening
states of disaster,

and I am always alone.

Even you keep saying
you're not my friend.

But since you're
the closest thing I've had,

I'd really appreciate it

if you'd stop calling yourself
an assh*le.

Okay.

You're right.

Huh?

When we get back in the morning,

we'll solve the m*rder
of Patrick Spring, save Lydia,

and figure out whatever
the hell that thing is.

And I'll tell Amanda the truth...

about everything.

Mm.

And, Dirk...

...I am your friend.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

Why do you have a Kn*fe?

O-kay.

Dude...

I am so happy to see you.

Are you okay?

No. sh*t's crazy.

I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Excellent.

Yes, okay, that's good.

Okay, perfect, um... spectacular.

Uh, just so you're aware...

...everything is under control.

Everything is under, uh...

- Are you okay?
- Uh, yeah.

Listen, did you talk to your brother

or, um, uh, Dirk?

No. What's going on?

I just saw Lydia Spring.

I read your report...

but I wanted a more personal account.

Shouldn't you be asking
my superior officer, Ma'am?

I'm asking you, Corporal.

I am ultimately
in charge of this operation,

but I wanted to ask your opinion.

My understanding of the mission

is that we're to bring in the
subjects of Black Wing, Ma'am.

Correct.

We tried Project Icarus first.

Dirk Gently.

And...?

He said he didn't want to, Ma'am.

"Didn't want to."

That's right.
Didn't want to be brought in.

Something about
a... rough childhood, Ma'am.

I suggested a more aggressive approach,

but Colonel Riggins rejected it.

I see.

So you next moved on to Project Incubus?

That's right,

but we were met with
strong hostile response.

Colonel Riggins' choice to

C-confront them without backup...

I suggested a more traditional
means of att*ck,

but that was vetoed
by the Colonel, Ma'am.

So your strategy would have been to...

...use a more aggressive approach?

Yes, Ma'am.

Truth is, Colonel Riggins is too close.

He's emotionally involved,
and it's blinding him

from the realities of the situation.

There's a reason

why the Neanderthals
fell to the h*m* Erectus.

Do you think you are capable

of being more aggressive?

Yes, ma'am.

Very Erectus.

Much more aggressive.