01x06 - The Stallones Go West

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV. ♪

♪ ♪

SYLVESTER:
I love all this.

[laughing]

-[honking]
-ARNOLD: Whiskey, no-no.

SYLVESTER: Wow. I didn't know
you had house guests.

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

-Good to see you.
-SYLVESTER: Great.
Good to see you.

You know, I've heard of
house pets, but seriously?

Lulu and Whiskey,
they come to visit me,

like, here in the office,

a special day out.

Sometimes I walk them
around down by the beach.

You know, they always
look at the dogs,

and the dogs look
at them kind of like...

-No, you don't.
-Yeah. Absolutely.

-Come on.
-Yeah.

What happens when
they drop a steamer in here?

So what? You just clean it up.

I'm not worried about it.

[chuckling]

Arnold.

My God, what
a relationship we've had.

ARNOLD:
Let me show you
around a little bit.

SYLVESTER:
I came into California

for the weekend.
Meanwhile,

I'm still going back and forth

doing Tulsa King for months.

So it's great
to be back and then

catch up a little bit.

This is the famous Conan sword.

-This is it?
-Yeah, this is it.

It's 11 pounds.

[imitating g*nf*re]

No, this is not to sh**t,
this is just to cut.

-Show the blade.
-Oh, sorry. See?

-Hold the blade. Exactly.
-I'm getting Conan lessons.

Chest out.

SYLVESTER:
Even though

we were very adversarial

when we were younger,

because we were competitive,

became something, we realized
we're incredibly alike.

Cut from the same cloths.

Now that is a selfie.

And now I love the guy.

Since Halloween is coming up,
I got two pumpkins.

So I thought it would be funny

for us to do it together,
right here in the office.

-Two pumpkin heads do it.
-Since you're here.

SYLVESTER:
I've done a lot of
extreme things in my life.

I've gone over waterfalls,

I've jumped in front of a t*nk,
I've done horse stunts.

But I've never done anything
quite as extreme and dangerous

as carving a pumpkin with Conan.

ARNOLD:
Wait.

-It's how they do it.
-Yes!

I'll be done by the time
you get the g*dd*mn head off.

Rip your brains out.
There's a reason I played Rambo.

I'm sloppy in the way
I write a screenplay.

Just go for it.

The mouth.

That's like my mouth.

[imitates mumbling]

ARNOLD:
Okay, guys, turn out the lights.

Let's create drama.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Un-freaking-believable.

Oh, yours is really scary.

-Thank you, brother.
-Absolutely.

Thank you, donkeys.

Come here, boy.

-[honking]
-Hey, don't be an ass.

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪

Sophia, come in. Over.

SOPHIA:
I'm here. Over. What's up?

Nothing.

Just wanted to see
what you were doing.

Over.

Say over.

SOPHIA:
Over. Over and under.

Sistine and I finally found
the perfect place

right next to each other,

and it's just so much fun.

We work, eat, sleep,

do everything together.
I need to have someone

nearby that's my family.

And if it's going to be anybody,
it's definitely

going to be my sister Sistine.

It's really not that messy.

You act like it's way worse.

This is fine.

Do you have so many candles

'cause you're trying to,
like, mask the smell?

-Okay, first off...
-[laughs]

SISTINE:
See, like, you have a book

in your fruit bowl right now.

And the bananas
aren't even in the bowl.

Oh. What's hidden behind
this blanket, Sophia?

Stop!

SISTINE:
Lots of crap. Let's see.

You have shampoo, period pads,

broken glass in here?

-Well, no, those are expired.
-So throw them away.

SOPHIA:
Honestly, when you cover
something, it's gone.

SISTINE:
Literally, you could put
everything out here in there.

-It is empty.
-I know, but I'm gonna forget

that it's in there.

Well, now, now I'm really
not gonna remember...

Hello. There we go.

Give me a freaking break.

SISTINE:
You know what?

Your room was decorated
way better than mine.

Mine's like a sterile hospital.

-SOPHIA: Yes.
-That's what I was going for.

If I ever get surgery again,
I'll lay on your couch.

You said again. That's so sad.

Well, it hasn't been the first.

SISTINE:
When is your next
appointment, by the way?

Mm, I think the end
of next week.

Are you nervous
to see your cardiologist?

I'm a little nervous.

I was born
with a hole in my heart.

When I was two months old,
I was really sick,

throwing up.

And the 12 doctors that my mom

sent me to,
no one could figure it out.

And thankfully,
with my mom's determination,

she found a doctor
that found the hole.

So I had my first operation

and I lived my life
totally fine.

One day when I was 16,

I was playing volleyball
and I fainted.

It was really scary having to
go from living this normal life

when I was 16 to having
to have my chest sawed open.

The moment I found out

I needed an operation
was one of the most

pivotal experiences
of my entire life

because I never had
to consider death before.

I think what was really hard
during that time

was, like, Mom had rashes
all over her body.

The best thing for you
is just to relax.

Dad couldn't even talk to me
without, like, crying about it.

It's really... I'm not...

It's really traumatizing
when you see the people

that you think are going to be,

like, the ones
that should be like,

"You're going to be 100% fine,"

like break down harder
than you were.

My dad and I

never really had
any conversation

over my heart surgery because
he really just didn't know

how to deal with it.

My dad asked Sistine and I to go

to Oklahoma for his new show

and I really want to talk to him

about this experience.

Especially with
my appointment coming up.

You're so strong.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Whoo. I'm excited.

-You've never been?
-No.

MAN:
Welcome to Country
General Store.

-SISTINE: Oh, hi. We need help.
-MAN: Uh-huh.

So I need pants, I need
a shirt, possibly a nice hat.

You in the right place.

SISTINE:
Sophia and I are
at this Western shop

because we are on our way to OKC

with my dad, so, hopefully,
with that comes

some horseback riding.

So what better place
to get the gear?

-That's a gorgeous
shirt right there.
-Gorgeous.

I started riding horses
when I was



and competed
all around Los Angeles.

I even qualified

for the national championship
for my age group.

SYLVERSTER: Slap leather.
Let's go, girl. Turn it on.

There it is. Whoo!

SISTINE:
Riding is something

that my dad and I bonded over

so much when I was growing up,

until when I was about 19,

I decided to stop riding horses

to pursue a modeling career
in New York,

which sounds

quite embarrassing
to say out loud

that I would choose to be a coat
hanger instead of a cowgirl.

I don't understand how I
just didn't see it at the time.

SYLVESTER: You went on
a modeling interview today?

Yes.

Actually, they gave me the job

and told you you need to work on
your looks a little bit more.

-Oh, how rude.
-[Sylvester chuckles]

And so I want to
get back on a horse.

This is what makes me happy.

I'm getting very
nostalgic right now.

I want to, basically,
encapsulate that feeling

that I had with Dad
when I was little,

and try to make them happen
again 'cause it was so much fun.

-Right.
-It's hard to find time

'cause he's always on set

and traveling, so when
we did have those moments

of doing something that we
both really love together,

that was the best.

-I mean, it's in our blood.
-Right?

-Our name is "Stallion."
-Yeah.

You know how happy I would be

if I could be
a full-time cowgirl forever?

-I know.
-Be self-sufficient on the land.

-And these are perfect.
-MAN: Oh, yeah. I-- [laughs]

SOPHIA:
Oh, yeah, he's like,
"Yes, ma'am."

-Oh, my...
-He knows.

-Look at his face!
-SISTINE: This guy loves it.

He knows!

SISTINE:
Jose, are you single?

Not in this moment.

He said, "Not in the moment."

Not... [laughs]

SISTINE:
Keeping your options open.

-SOPHIA: Touché, Jose. Touché.
-Oh, my God.

SISTINE:
I feel like I'm at a place where

I want to find something

that makes me really happy,

and I can't remember
the last time I was happy,

and figured it out.

It was when I was
riding horses with you.

Because that's one
of my favorite things

that we used to do
when I was growing up.

And we don't have
a lot in common,

but something we do
have in common

-are horses.
-Horses, horses, horses.

Chart a different course.

You know what?
I needed new haters.

Sure you don't want to
take up gardening instead?

No.

To quote my friend Eddie Murphy,

"You can't trust anything

that can run and sh*t
at the same time."

[chuffs]

I probably
have fallen off a horse

a hundred times. I played

semi-professional polo.

I still have back injuries
from 35, 40 years ago.

I love the animals, but

I love my daughters more,
so I don't want her

to do something

that could have her
permanently injured.

Let's just try it.
Let's go to Oklahoma.

We don't have to
commit to anything.

[sighs]

The sliding, the stopping,
the spinning.

I love it. Honestly.
I think about it all the time.

-But I got bad news for you.
-What?

I don't think you're going
to fit into your old saddle.

SISTINE:
I honestly feel a bit rejected.

I was expecting,

"Yes, Sistine,
we can get back into it.

This is our thing.
We love doing this together."

Let's mosey on.

SISTINE:
We made it to Oklahoma!

SOPHIA:
Woo-hoo. Yee-haw.

I'm so excited!

You're surrounded by
your babies.

My daughters and I
decided we are going to go

move in and take over

in Oklahoma City.

Sly had mentioned that he wants
to spend some one-on-one time

with the girls.

What do you want
to do with him here?

I don't know, I just want
to hang out with him.

I can't believe the girls
are here.

-Here we go. Come on.
-Yeah, yeah.

JENNIFER:
While we're here
in OKC, the girls,

they want his love,
they want his attention.

I want to do something with you.

Don't be jealous.

They're even
competitive with each other.

Go on, give me a sh*t. Go on.

This is dumb.
I'm not doing that.

Come on. Come on.
Don't hurt... Ow.

Thumb in. Why do you
got the nail out?

-What are you, a vampire?
-I'm going to break my...

I'm going to break my nails.

I know, but you got to curl in.

Do you see how long these are?

You girls have just
gotten too civilized.

-What happened?
-We lost touch.

[laughs]

Ooh, this is so much
bigger than I thought.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Welcome to the National Cowboy
and Western Heritage Museum.

Thank you. This is my world.

-I love this so much.
-Oh, yeah.

He has been dreaming
about this place.

SYLVESTER:
You would figure a guy born

in Hell's Kitchen, New York,

is about as far from
the Old West as a pizza.

But I'm a big fan of history,
and that's why

I wanted to go to this place.

Man against nature.
You're out there.

I can't fathom how tough
these people were,

so I find that incredibly
intriguing and heroic

and, dare I say it, romantic.

Didn't have a lot of deodorant,

but I'm sure
you got used to that, too.

To come out here,
you had to have such desire.

I mean, I could use
some other terms, too,

-but they may not translate.
-MAN: Right.

SYLVESTER:
Well, wait a minute.

SOPHIA:
Oh, you love this stuff.

MAN:
There you go. Look at that.

-Is that a raven?
-Now I'm pulling the raven.

-MAN: Look at that.
-I was so impressed.

This guy changed my life.
At five years old,

what's the first
poem I taught you? Ready?

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

"while I pondered,
weak and weary,

"over many a quaint and curious

"volume of forgotten lore.

"While I nodded, nearly napping,

"suddenly, there came a tapping,

"as of someone gently rapping,

"rapping at my chamber door.

"Ah, distinctly I remember,
it was in the bleak December,

"With each separate dying ember

"wrought its ghost
upon the floor...

-Nevermore."
-[imitating raven]: Nevermore.

Nevermore.

-MAN: Impressive.
-Thank you.

-SYLVESTER: Thank you.
-I did that for our talent show.

MAN:
That's nice.

[raven squawks]

SOPHIA:
I feel like the whole
museum has really good energy,

and it's made me
really comfortable.

I think this might be
the best time

to talk to him about my heart
appointment that's coming up.

Oh, is your back
k*lling you a little bit?

-No, not too bad.
-I was gonna say.
Whew, that was...

If I get my usual epidurals,
I'm okay.

Actually, speaking of that,
I have,

-uh, a checkup...
-Do you?

...coming up. Yeah.

I hate those.

-Yeah, you think?
-Yeah, it's tough.

I know. I think also the...

the overwhelming amount
of stress I get on this

is PTSD from when I was 16

and my second operation.

-Man, that was devastating.
-Yeah.

Jesus Christ, it was horrible.

And she was so brave.

I mean, we're falling apart and
she'd put on the brave face,

and I know
she's scared to death.

I don't think
I ever told you this,

but I remember,
the day I found out

that I had to have surgery,

Mom broke down, you broke down,

and everyone around me lost it.

That was the moment I realized

that sometimes the strongest
people in your life

aren't always as strong
as you think, you know?

And I felt like I had to
hold it together,

so I don't even
think you noticed.

I didn't cry or worry
about my heart surgery...

SYLVESTER:
Right.

...until the actual day
when everyone left the room

and I was alone.

-Really.
-And then I felt like
I could break down

because I thought if I lose it,

that we would all fall.

Lose it.

When you had
your first operation,

what, you were two months,

it was such a nightmare.

And the nurse is taking you,

she goes, "Okay,
kiss your baby goodbye."

And I went, "Stop.
Can you rephrase that?"

-I said,
this can't be happening.
-Right.

SYLVESTER:
Every year when she
has to go to the doctor,

it's this weight

on our hearts.

Is he going to say

what we heard before?
"Oh, I'm sorry.

"There's-there's been
a shift in her health

and she's going
to require another surgery."

That would be...

"Devastating" is too
gentle a word.

-When is your exam?
-[sighs]

It's the end of next week.

-Um... Mm-hmm.
-You're kidding.

-Mm-hmm.
-sh*t.

-I know.
-Aw, baby girl,

-I love you, baby.
-I love you.

♪ You can be ♪

♪ So damn hard to please ♪

SYLVESTER:
Hey, Jennifer,

I brought you here

because I bought you
your engagement ring.

-Oh, thank you, Sly.
-SISTINE: Aw.

SOPHIA: That's sweet.

[laughter]

-Sophia?
-What's up?

How'd you like
that Western museum?

That was actually probably one
of my favorite things I've done.

SISTINE:
Why didn't I go?

I mean, Sophia hasn't ridden
a horse since she was...

Remember, I was literally
saying to you the other day

that I felt like Dad and I
don't get enough time alone.

That's true.
Are you still on this...

desire to ride?

Yeah.

I maybe wanted to use it as
spending quality time with you

since that's something I did

during my teenage years
with you,

and that was our thing,

we did it for years.

But I have never
met a horse person

that has not had
a catastrophic accident.

Not once.

I'm trying to be precautionary.

Having been through
the trauma of Sophia,

I get very anxiety-ridden

over all the possibilities
of what can happen.

Why can't we just try it

-and see if we like it
and see if I enjoy it again?
- All right, hold on.

-SYLVESTER: Deal.
-JENNIFER: Most people think

Sly is this, like, big
strong guy, thinking, like,

"I've got it,
I'll take care of everything."

Quite the opposite.

He is so scared
that something may happen,

especially because

we've been
in Children's Hospital

more than most people have.

SYLVESTER:
You're an amazing horse person,

but you will go down.
It's not "if," it's "when."

JENNIFER:
So his anxiety

is always riding super high,

so I have to be
the person that is

going to take it all down.

So we got to, like...
Sometimes we got to

let things go, enjoy our life

and, like, literally
hope for the best.

I just want to be around you
and do something

that I know that
we both love doing.

If you truly desire it,
if it's in your blood,

if it becomes your priority...

I want you to do
whatever your heart desires.

I'm behind it 100%.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I'm all for it,

but I don't ride anymore.

-I can watch.
-Okay.

SISTINE:
I understand why he gets worried

about me getting
back on a horse,

but you can't go through life

constantly fearing
for your life,

fearing that the worst
is going to happen,

or else you're
never going to live.

Dad is the rodeo clown.
Don't worry.

He'll be a part of it.

[Jennifer laughs]

What's better than horses?

-I don't know. Nothing.
-Nothing.

SISTINE:
I'm really excited because

I set up this appointment with

this fantastic
trainer named Jessica.

-Nice to meet you, Jessica.
-Nice to meet you.

Right, nice to meet you.

SISTINE:
And she's going to reteach me

some maneuvers

and see if I still

have the same love for it

like I once did.

JESSICA: Hand forward.
Excellent. Lift up your toe.

And drive and go.

-Really good.
-SYLVESTER: Good.

-Excellent.
-Natural.

You got it. Good. Good.

Hand down.
There you go. Excellent.

There you go. Look at you.

JESSICA: [whistles]
Really, really, really good.

SYLVESTER:
I'll be damned.

-Good seat, right?
-It's really nice.

I know. I mean...

JESSICA:
Good.

There you go.
Cluck, cluck, cluck.

Good.

[Jessica whistles]

You know, I feel bad
that I wasn't

as supportive
as I should have been

because nothing means
more to me...

Wow.

...than the happiness

of my children, and knowing

that they're
fulfilling their dream.

And I know that
my kind of insecurity

affected Sistine,

but I'll try harder next time.

-You did so good.
-I'm so proud of myself.

-You should be. You should be.
-That was so much fun.

I thought it was
fantastic. Really.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Aw.
-I couldn't do it.

Oh, I know, you're, like, um...

I am 100% in this.

At first,

I was sort of using it as,

maybe, an excuse to hang out

with him again like we used to.

But riding,

remembering how much I loved it,

I want to do this for me,
so I'm going to

put on those chaps,
and I'm going to get riding.

-♪ ♪
-[indistinct P.A. announcements]

Ow.

SISTINE: Whoo!

-♪ ♪
-[cheering]

When you think of horse,
you think, oh, yeah, cowboy.

But these magnificent creatures

were tended to by 90% women.

♪ ♪

SYLVESTER:
Behind the scenes,

what makes the show go

are the women.

♪ ♪

Whoa. Whoo!

SYLVESTER:
Boy, does that sound like life.

A woman wakes your butt up,

and having daughters
and a wonderful wife,

incredibly independent of me,
did everything on her own,

I appreciate it.

♪ ♪

SYLVESTER:
But you're never
going to know who you are

until you have a good woman.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Save my heart for you ♪

♪ You give me love. ♪

SOPHIA: Hi.

-WOMAN: Hey, how are you?
-SOPHIA: Hi, nice to see you.

JENNIFER:
We are back in California
for Sophia's heart checkup.

It's very tense

'cause we just don't know

what we're going to hear.

[faint thumping]

You can see the bright spot.

Isn't that where her patch is?

NURSE:
Yes, right here.

JENNIFER:
Right there. That's your patch.

NURSE:
See how it's
a little bit brighter?

SOPHIA:
I am

so nervous

walking into that office,

remembering the moment
when my doctor said

I had to have another operation,

came flooding back, so I am

freaking out.

This is the echocardiogram,

and this was, uh,
your pictures from today,

and here you can see
four chambers of your heart.

Two upper, two lower chambers.

You're great.
Your heart's great.

You've got nothing wrong.

-Yay!
-Yay!

[sighs]

-Thank God.
-FERRY: So you don't need me.

I am going to be okay
for another year.

It's...

I mean, health is everything,

and that's all that
you can want in life,

and as you can see,
I'm relieved.

-Hi, Sly.
-Hi, Dad.

So we just finished with,
uh, Dr. Ferry.

SOPHIA:
Everything is totally perfect.

Yeah.

SOPHIA:
I know.

I love you, Dad.

-Bye.
-Bye, angel.

If you're a parent,
and your kid is healthy,

there's no greater feeling.

We get to live again.

Now we just have to

set her up with
somebody, Dr. Ferry.

-A resident or fellow, a doctor?
-Yeah.

SISTINE:
Very sexy.

JENNIFER:
I want to be
a grandmother more than

-anything in the whole world.
-FERRY: Oh, my gosh.

SISTINE: Oh, I know.
She said, "Start today."

So happy with these beautiful
girls that you've raised

to be entrepreneurial.

SOPHIA: I feel like I'm held to
a standard

and so I have a huge fear
of failing.

I want this book to work,
but I already know

that people are probably
gonna say it's shitty.

SISTINE: I've been
working on this script

since 2018.

JENNIFER: Don't you have
a meeting with MGM?

Wait, why haven't you
told me any of this?

-I'm actually pissed.
-Why are you getting so upset?

How'd I get on the
Housewives of Beverly Hills?

♪ Come on now,
roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Roll with the crazy ♪

♪ Dance like 1980 ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Roll with me, baby ♪

♪ You ain't gonna save me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪