02x04 - Mr. Congeniality

[bunniefuu]

["I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT" PLAYING]

Wasn't this community
garden such a great idea?

All Space for Everyone
residents will have access to it.

[CHUCKLES] It's looking good.

Yeah, it's looking real good.

Molly, are you listening?

My bad. I am so sorry.

Wow, look at all these herbs.

You know, this whole
area was Isaac's idea.

Ooh, Isaac. How's that going?

Good. [STAMMERS] Great, actually.

Last night he took me out to
this amazing Ethiopian restaurant.

- Mmm. Ethiopian.
- Mmm.

I love a meal you can
eat with your hands.

I guess.

And then what did you do after that?

Just went back to my place to
watch some House Hunters.

- Mmm. House Hunters, yum.
- Mm-hmm.

- And did he stay over?
- [STAMMERS] Um...

Um, Molly, you are standing
incredibly close to me right now.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What? No, I am not.

Don't be so American
about your personal space.

I don't... What does that mean?

It means there ain't nothing wrong

with being a little...
[SINGSONGY] ... physical.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Boop! [CHUCKLES] Isn't that
nice? Now you do it to me.

- Boop.
- [EXCLAIMS]

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

[SONG ENDS]

[SOFIA] Okay. I know we've
all been working so hard.

Space for Everyone is
really coming together.

Molly, why don't you show
everybody the pictures we took?

I'm sorry. My computer's
been acting weird lately.

I-I don't know what's wrong with it.

Did you click on something?

Yes, Howard. That's how computers work.

- Ugh. Let me check your search history.
- No... [STAMMERS]

You don't... That's not necessary.

Check out these last three searches.

"Bridgerton guy beach photos."

"Young Obamas kissing."

And "George Stephanopoulos
wife still alive?"

Greeks are the hottest type of white.

I must have accidentally
clicked on some targeted ads.

[ARTHUR] Don't worry, Molly.

If you looked at anyone's search
history, it would be embarrassing.

Here, look at mine.

"J.Crew coupons," "science
museum hours," "What is zaddy?"

Ugh, Arthur, we go over
this, like, every day.

- Well, is it a noun, verb or adjective?
- Yes!

What's up?

- You okay?
- Molly, a couple of years ago,

I swore off sugar,

and five days later, I punched
a hole into my screen door.

Okay.

And I respect your recent
decision to swear off sugar.

But I need you to know it is okay

to have a candy bar from time to time.

- I don't... I'm s... What are we doing here?
- Sex, Molly.

As a friend and a coworker,
I think you need to have sex.

- Oh, my God, Sofia.
- What? Am I wrong?

You're clearly horny as sh*t, and
it's making you weird to be around.

Okay, fine.

I guess I have been a bit...
[INHALES SHARPLY] ... stifled.

But I'm just trying to be careful.

You know, I dove into a new
relationship after I split up with John,

and that wasn't good for me.

Who's talking about a relationship?

I know myself.

I'm not exactly the "have a candy bar

every once in a while" kind of gal.

I'm more of a "buy the
entire chocolate factory

until it sleeps with a 26-year-old."

Well, you need to figure this out.

The next few weeks are gonna be busy,

and I don't have time
to be booped again.

I am way ahead of you.

I just booked a meditation
retreat in Malibu

that is designed to re-center

and refocus and annihilate cravings.

Seems like a huge waste of money.

Just go to a bar with some cleave out.

I'm sorry. No. I am not doing that.

But thank you for hyping my melons.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Of course.
Women support women.

Mmm, there he is.
Arthur, my consigliere.

I need your help with something.

Consigliere? Wow. Am I gonna...

[IMITATING THE GODFATHER]
... "make him an offer he can't refuse"?

- [NORMAL] Sorry.
- No, I'm actually just auditioning

potential wrestlers to find the
main heel in my wrestling league.

The heel?

Yeah, you know, the heel.
The villain. The big bad.

It's the most important
part of any wrestling league.

I mean, The Rock did not become
The Rock until he became a heel.

Oh. Wow. Well, I'm... I'm
flattered, but you're the expert.

I'm not sure how I can help.

Yeah, but you're my main
investor. Plus, we're partners.

Also, I need your point
of view as an everyman.

Just a nice, normal guy who eats
toast and loves Yellowstone.

[CHUCKLES] All right.
That sounds fun. I'm in.

[CHUCKLES] I'm-I'm actually not
familiar with "Yellowstone," though.

Is that a musical artist or...

- Oh, you need to look it up.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Kevin Costner on a horse
and Midwestern land politics?

[BREATHES SHAKILY]
Yes, please. [CHUCKLES]

[CRYING, SNIFFLING]

[SIGHS] Okay, I think you
need to go talk to her.

Why? You should go talk to her.

- That's crazy. You're way nicer than I am.
- No, I'm not.

Excuse me, isn't your
whole thing helping people?

- Not on an individual level.
- [AINSLEY SOBS, SNIFFLES]

[SIGHS]

Hi, guys. I'm so sorry.
Was I bothering you?

I can go cry in the
broom closet if you want.

Oh, no, no, no. It's all
good, girl. You do you.

Yes. Let it out. We
support you, girl boss.

This is so embarrassing.

I usually only cry tears of
joy at work... [INHALES SHARPLY]

... because I love our
mission so much. [SOBS]

Oh. W-What... What's wrong?

I'm trying to do the
seating chart for my wedding,

and it's just impossible.

There's so much drama
between my family members.

What kind of drama?

You know what? It seems like
you got this handled, Sofia.

- [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

My Aunt Poppy can't sit
next to my Aunt Tenley

since she got cut out of
the will because Grandfather

revealed she's not really his daughter.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY] She's his mistress.
- [EXCLAIMS]

And I'm interested again.

Ah, Ms. Wells. Welcome
to the Stillbrook Center.

My name is Hannah,

and I will be your
meditation guide this weekend.

Thank you, Hannah.

We'll be starting in the Sagebrush Room.

I see you brought your driftwood.

[GASPS] Ah, yes. I did.

It's a beautiful piece.

I can already tell you
have a connection to it.

Come this way.

[GONG BELLOWS]

Have you been here before?
This place seems great.

Welcome, travelers.

You are here because of a need
to nourish your mental well-being.

Over the next 72 hours, through
practice, you will conquer thirst,

you will conquer hunger,
and you will conquer desire.

Mmm. Love that.

Shh!

We will begin with a centering
exercise. Please, partner up.

[WHISPERS] Oh, no.
[BREATHES SHAKILY] Help me.

Um, excuse me, Hannah.
I don't have a partner.

[DOOR OPENS]

["I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT" PLAYING]

I'm so sorry I'm late, Hannah. [PANTING]

My motorcycle broke down
on the way over here.

I had to drag it the last mile.

[HANNAH] No problem.

Why don't you partner
up with Ms. Wells here?

Hey. I'm Benjamin Bratt.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, f*ck me.

[HOWARD] Thank you for
coming in today, Craig.

We thought we'd just keep it loose,

have you improv a few insults at me

as if I'm just sitting in the crowd.

Got it. Um, should I step into it or...

Of course. Whatever
makes you comfortable.

Okay. [SIGHS]

[SNIFFS, EXHALES HEAVILY]

Look at this grown-ass, man-child,

sad sack of sh*t wearing
a little boy's hoodie.

Did your mom buy you that
when she wasn't upstairs

making Totino's Pizza Rolls?

You look like you've
just spent the last hour

trying to draw realistic
boobs on a Pikachu.

- Okay, thank you.
- I'm not done.

What's going on with the glasses?

Did you put Steve Urkel
on your vision board?

[SHOUTS] And by the way, how the
f*ck do you look like a grandpa

and a little kid at the same time?

Thanks for coming in,
Craig. We'll let you know.

I got a headshot here.

Oh, that's okay. [STAMMERS]
I think I'll remember you.

All right. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

Wow, that guy was really good.
His language was very vibrant.

- I didn't like him at all.
- [CRAIG] I got another one.

You look like if Luther
Vandross worked at a GameStop.

Thank you, Craig. W-W-We're done here.

A moment, please, while
I cleanse the aura.

Hey, listen, I'm, uh...

I'm sorry you got saddled with
me as a partner last minute.

Oh, no, it's fine. Great.

Have you been here before?

Nope. My first time.

I mean, not my first time, but, you
know, it's my... my first time here.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. You?

Yeah, sometimes I like to come
here to decompress after a...

- you know, a big sh**t.
- Oh, sure.

- Acting can be very draining.
- Mmm.

But it's rewarding.
You help so many people.

- Yeah. You really do.
- Yeah.

[INHALES SHARPLY] You know, one
time I had really bad pink eye,

and I watched maybe ten
Law & Orders back-to-back.

[CHUCKLES] You really
got me through that time.

So, thank you, Mr. Bratt. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Look, I'm... I'm
sorry if I seem a little nervous.

I'm just... [CLEARS THROAT]
I'm a big fan.

- What?
- Yeah.

All of your charity work is incredible.

And that speech you gave at the
Silver Moon Summit last year,

super inspiring.

- Wow. W... [CHUCKLES]
- Can I, um...

Can I tell you something embarrassing?

Okay.

Sometimes I work out to your speech.

[GONG CHIMES]

[HANNAH] Okay. We are going to
get in tune with our partners.

Face them, please.

What?

Don't do anything. Just be.

Look into each other's eyes.
It will feel uncomfortable.

But the purpose of this is to
get comfortable with discomfort.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Mmm.

[SNORTS, CHUCKLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY] Mmm.

- [SNORTS, LAUGHING]
- [BENJAMIN CHUCKLES]

She's laughing.

Ms. Wells, please.

- I'm sorry. [LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

Ms. Wells, you are going
to get us in trouble.

Oh, my God, shut up,
Benjamin Bratt. [CHUCKLES]

And then things got even worse when
Aunt Poppy threw a gin and tonic

at Aunt Tenley during
a dressage exhibition.

What's dressage?

Horse dancing.

- I'm sorry?
- [AINSLEY] It's a competition.

[STAMMERS] The score
is based on the accuracy

of the horse's canter multiplied
by how it comports itself.

And this happens in America?

This is better than, like, 98%
of what's on streaming right now.

Content is spread too thin.

Do you know what? We can do
this. We can figure this out.

Oh, my God, you guys!
[INHALES SHARPLY, STAMMERS]

I wished upon a star last night for
help, and it came true. [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, brother.
- Let's start with Uncle Dickey.

He can't sit next to his
sisters because they blame him

for letting the family
winery fall into disrepair.

Also, his wife hasn't
been seen in years.

[SNIFFLES]

- [CLEARS THROAT, INHALES SHARPLY]
- You okay?

Am I okay? [STAMMERING] Are you okay?

What type of f*cked-up question
is that to ask somebody?

Oh, sorry. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I'm fine. Let's just keep going.

Hey, why don't I take the
lead on this next one? Okay?

Uh, "Body Slam Sam."
Oh, what a fun name.

[LAUGHING] Here he is!

The pathetic, middle-aged,
divorced white guy of the year.

How's your relationship
going with your left hand?

Oh, hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you tell your dad,
Orville Redenbacher, I said hi?

Does anyone else think
this sad sack of sh*t

look like he got turned away
at the door on January 6th?

Okay, I didn't know these
things could get political.

You look like Madame
Tussauds' version of Ellen

after a week in a hot trunk.

You little pencil-necked bitch.
[INHALES DEEPLY]

[SWALLOWS, WHIMPERS]
Just getting my impressions down here.

Um, great. That was very immersive.

Hey, man, thanks for
letting me come play.

[ARTHUR] Yeah.

Yeah, that was super fun.

[HANNAH] Nice work, everyone.
Let's move on to breath work.

- I want you to get closer to your partner...
- [CLEARS THROAT]

... and place your hand on their heart.

Feel their heartbeat as they feel yours.

[HANNAH] Good.

Now, as the breath begins,

concentrate on maintaining
that connection.

Excellent. Focus on the breath.

- Let it ground you. Breathe in.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

- Breathe out. Breathe in.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Breathe out.

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Breathe in.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

- [MOANING, GROANING]
- Breathe...

Ms. Wells, that's not exactly

what we're looking
for in our breath work.

I'm so sorry, Trevor.

- Hannah.
- Hannah, yes.

I'm... Uh, I... I gotta go take a sh*t.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wait. Wait a minute.

If we take Cousin Serena
and put her at table four,

then that frees up table twelve,

and we'll avoid any
of the Broder-Atchisons

- sitting next to the Atchison-Broders.
- Oh, sure, yeah, try that.

Put her at table four, where
she'll be sitting next to Chelsea,

who slept with her
ex-boyfriend during the regatta!

Oh, sh*t. You're right.

It's like you haven't
even been listening.

Sofia, Nicholas, please don't fight.

This chart is impossible.

But just the fact that you
tried, it means so much to me.

[gasps] These are a third
type of tears: gratitude.

Okay, I think we're all just getting

a little too caught up in the details.

This all starts with the
OGs, Aunts Tenley and Poppy.

If we break one of them, then the
rest of them will fall in line.

- Ainsley.
- Mmm?

- Give me your phone.
- What?

Give me your phone.
I'm calling Aunt Poppy.

- She doesn't get to do this to you. No!
- Nicholas, I don't think we should...

If a pretty white cis girl

doesn't get to have the
wedding of her dreams,

then where are we at as a country?

This is America. We used
to stand for something.

He's right. Give him your phone.

- Thank you.
- Yes, here you go.

That wrestler was crazy.

I don't look like any of
these January 6th guys, right?

- No. Definitely not.
- No.

Oh, well, that guy a little.

[SIGHS] Should we decide
which heel we like the best?

I didn't like any of 'em.

I mean, they were mean, sure,

but you should love to hate a
great heel, not just hate them.

Yeah, I agree. I mean,
these guys were jerks.

And they weren't even right.

You're a great, interesting
guy, and honestly,

you're a really good dresser.

Khaki is very in right now.

You know, Odell Beckham Jr.
Wore khaki overalls to the ESPYs.

Mmm. Thank you. I'm sure
he or she is very stylish.

[INHALES SHARPLY] And you should
know that you are not some man-child.

You are a guy who has passion.

And that, sir, is a quality we
could use more of in this world.

And by the way, I saw Luther
Vandross in concert in 1993,

and he was gorgeous.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Just like you. Mm-hmm.

Well, we still need
someone to play the heel,

so I think we should
just keep interviewing

- until we find someone that we like.
- No, you shut it, Aunt Poppy.

You need to take some salad tongs,

pick those tits up off the ground
and turn that hearing aid up,

'cause I got a news flash for ya, bitch.

Your niece is a perfect
gem of a human being

and does not deserve to
have her wedding ruined

by some decaying hag who's just jealous

because her d*ck dock is 70%
graveyard dust at this point. Goodbye.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Molly, is everything okay?

- Sofia, thank God.
- What's wrong?

I'm at this retreat, and
Benjamin Bratt is here.

- Mr. Congeniality?
- Yes.

And he is somehow even
better-looking in person.

And the worst part is,
I think he's into me.

Okay, so what's the problem?

The problem is, he's
touching me while I breathe,

and instead of re-centering myself,

all I can think about is
putting my hands in his mouth

- and rummaging around in there.
- What?

Okay, Molly, don't overthink
it. Life is giving you a gift.

Don't reject the gift. Unwrap
it and have sex with it.

Sofia, I gotta go.

It's Christmas morning,

and Mama's got a big old
package under the tree.

Just don't say anything
weird like that...

Where did everybody go?

I thought we could feed
our partners strawberries.

I think that would really center me.

We're actually moving into the
solitude phase of the retreat.

Well, is there a... a partner
option for the solitude phase?

There is not.

But if you are struggling with
desire, you may request a second apple.

Aunt Tenley, listen.

If he doesn't wanna have
sex with you anymore,

maybe it's something you're doing.

Have you ever thought about
that? Okay, well, don't get mad.

All right, I... I gotta go.

Nicholas, how would you like
to have a job where you get

to take your shirt
off and belittle people

in front of an adoring crowd?

I'm not legally allowed to
work at an Abercrombie anymore.

N... No, no, no. Not that.

Howard needs a heel
for his wrestling show.

You want me to be in the
show as, like, a performer?

You'd be perfect.

Wrestling is acting,
you're charming and witty,

and you can say anything to
people, and they still love you.

Oh, my God. Hold on a sec.

Millie, what is this hideous sweater?

You look like Grimace taking a sh*t.

Thank you.

See? You're a natural.

Hmm. It is an interesting idea.

I am coming out of my ingenue
era and entering my villain era.

You have got to do this. You
would be the perfect heel.

Okay, what the hell, I'll
do it. [CHUCKLES] Congrats.

Somehow you've made professional
wrestling even more h*m*.

- Yes, we have. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Now get away from my
desk, you limp-d*ck losers.

It's perfect. It's perfect.

["WATERFALLS" PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, screw it.

- Whoa! [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
- [SHUSHING, CHUCKLES]

- What are you doing here?
- Honestly, I was looking for you.

- [GASPS]
- I mean, I know it's against the rules

to be outside of our rooms right
now, but I... I really wanted to talk.

Oh, my God, I was looking for you too.

I-I... I hope that's not too weird.

Oh, it's not weird at all.

I mean, there's just this... [INHALES
DEEPLY] ... energy between us.

- Are you... Are you feeling that too?
- Oh, God, totally.

- You are so beautiful right now.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Like the Russian tundra at
twilight. I just filmed there.

- I bet it was incredible.
- It was.

I can't say much more. I signed an NDA.

[MOLLY MOANS]

- Listen, before this goes any further...
- Hmm.

... I feel like there's
something I should tell you.

- Oh, God. You're not married, are you?
- No way. I'm not the marrying type.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

- Well, not in this universe anyway.
- Mm-hmm.

No, what I was going to say was
that I'm moving to London next week

to sh**t a live-action version
of Despicable Me.

I'll be there for two years, so...

Wait, are you saying that this is
just gonna be a one-night thing?

Yes. Yes, I am. Is that okay?

Benjamin...

Ben. Jamin.

That is truly the hottest thing
you could have said to me right now.

I guess we'll be like two
Minions passing in the night.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [MOANING]

- [HANNAH] Ms. Wells, Mr. Bratt. Excuse me.
- [CLEARING THROAT]

You two are very out of phase right now.

I asked you to stay in your rooms.

Yes, we were just, um... we were
out getting... getting some air.

- Right? Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

We take our rules at the
Stillbrook Center very seriously.

Our program is specifically designed

to set you on a path to heal yourself.

Yeah, if I'm gonna heal myself...

[INHALES DEEPLY] ... the best
thing for me to do right now

is to bone this insanely hot guy.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome. I mean it.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

One step ahead of you. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Do you wanna take my
helicopter to the Four Seasons?

- Yes.
- Okay.

See ya, Hannah.

Good morning. How are
you today? Good morning.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Okay.
I got us Frappuccinos.

Oh, thank you.

So, what's on the docket
today, mamacita?

Wow, you seem different.
How was the retreat?

Well, let's just say ole Molly
got some sugar this weekend.

- What?
- I ate the whole candy bar,

creamy nougat center and all.

Just took a real bite out of that thing.

- Big chunks.
- Okay.

Okay, I... I think we got it.

But honestly, you've
been through a lot, Molly,

so I'm really happy for you.

Well, thank you for all your help.

[WHISPERING] And I secretly took
pictures of him while he was asleep.

You have to show me immediately.

["MAGIC STICK" PLAYING]

- Oh, my... Holy sh*t. You are back.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [GIGGLES]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]