01x07 - Maxine Bags a Prince

[bunniefuu]

["VEGAS WEDDING BELLS" PLAYING]

- [BRIDE GIGGLES]
- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Smile.

I, Maxine Horton, take you... [SIGHS]

... Douglas Darby Dellacorte Simmons,
to be my lawfully wedded husband.

To have and to hold from this day
until all the tomorrows to come.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Until
death doth tear us asunder.

You're up, pal.

[GRUNTS]

Uh... [CHUCKLES, BREATHES DEEPLY]

"My dear Maxine.

As I was watching you sleep last night,

I got to thinking as to
how sometimes in my past...

I was a person who I
didn't like very much."

[GASPS]

"But with you and Jack, I feel
like I'm getting a fresh start."

[DOOR OPENS]

[STAMMERS] I've been, um...

I've been calling the baby
Jack after my father Jack.

[STAMMERS] Is that all right?

- It's perfect.
- [CHUCKLES]

- We're having a baby. [CHUCKLES]
- Congratulations.

Oh, thank you. We're doing
things a little out of order.

- [CHUCKLES]
- This is Vegas.

- You ain't my first shotgun wedding.
- [DOUGLAS SIGHS]

- No loaded g*n here.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, sh*t! [STAMMERS]

[DOUGLAS] This is ridiculous. Why
are we waiting for the pool boy?

Robert is Norma's plus-one.
He'll be here any minute.

We can't afford a plus-one.
We can't afford this car.

We can't afford anything.
Stupid frozen assets!

g*dd*mn Perry and his
stupid condos. [GROANS] sh*t.

Douglas, I told you we
are gonna be just fine.

Look... [CHUCKLES] ... I
sent out Norma's invitations.

And I told you a party
is not a business plan.

I've depleted all the
Dellacorte accounts, Max.

- [MAXINE] And I told you...
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]

[MAXINE] ... before you told
me, this isn't just a party.

This is how the estate makes money.

Just trust me.

Dinah. What... Are you all right?

No, I am not all right.
The Feds got Perry.

A man in a fedora came to our house

and snatched him right off
the street in broad daylight.

[MAXINE] My goodness, I'm so sorry.

[DINAH] You finally got what you wanted.

You took me out of the running.

No one wants to fete a volunteer

whose husband is locked up in Sing Sing.

No one's trying to take
anyone out. Dinah, I promise.

You'll get yours, both of you. I told
Perry to sing, sing like a canary.

Whoa, whoa, Dinah.
Why would you say that?

The fact of the matter is, Douglas
knew nothing about anything. Zilch.

I was involved in that business
for a sum total of five minutes...

Save it for the FBI.

I can't be late for this funeral.

They're teeming with eligible bachelors.

I have my future to think of.

Okay.

That was sad.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- [DOUGLAS] Maxine?
- Yeah?

I might not know nothing.

What does... [STAMMERS] ... that
mean exactly? To "not know nothing"?

I might have greased some palms.

[PANTS] Oh, no. We're dead.

[CHUCKLES]

We're dead. [SIGHS]

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Are we the only family in America
that has a backyard cemetery?

Hardly.

- Is this seat taken? [GIGGLING]
- Yeah... No, be my guest.

Dinah Donahue... [CHUCKLES]

- ... née Helmscott, née Crescott.
- [GRUNTS] Axel. Axel, uh, Rosenhips.

- [GASPS] Oh, of the Cincinnati Rosenhips?
- [STAMMERS]

- Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
- [DINAH] Oh, I love them.

- Greased palms? How? Vaseline? Spittle?
- It's the cost of doing business.

If you want to launch something,
you gotta spread it around.

"It" meaning our money.

Technically, it's Norma's money.

[MAXINE] S-Spread? Spread to who?

Oh, I gave checks to six city
council members, an expediter,

someone from the planning commission,
four of Pinky's associates.

Although I don't know what they do.

The Feds will be speaking to him next.

I hope he has the balls
to keep his mouth shut.

Well, it's all yours after today.

And maybe Dad'll come haunt you.

I think I know your
father better than you.

[FEMINISTS CHATTERING]

[GASPS]

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Hi. My girls. Oh, my God. You came.

[RITA] We wouldn't abandon
a sister in her hour of need.

Thank you. [BREATHES DEEPLY] Thank you.

And I'm... I'm glad you came too.

It's a funeral. My condolences.

[SIGHS] Well, I'm gonna
need you all to help me keen.

- Righteous.
- [SIGHS]

Keen? What's keen?

[SIGHS] Back in the old days,

Celtic women would come
together and wail over the dead.

They let it all out.

- [SYLVIA] Oh.
- And trust me,

there is nothing these WASPs hate more

than a woman expressing
her feelings in public.

- So we'll give it to them.
- [SYLVIA WEEPING, WAILING]

Sweetie. S-Sweetie, we're gonna
wait till Evelyn finishes speaking.

No, no. She's not...

- Her husband ships out tomorrow.
- [WEEPING CONTINUES]

To Vietnam? [GASPS] f*ck.

Sylvia, we won't let this happen.

- Do you hear me?
- Okay. Okay.

- [BAGPIPES CONTINUE PLAYING]
- [EVELYN CLEARS THROAT]

Life is unpredictable.

We never know when the ones
we love will be taken from us.

Even after a long illness,
the unexpected can still occur.

Fibrosis.

[BAGPIPES STOP]

That certainly seemed true

when that unlucky b*llet struck
my Skeet, lo those 20 years ago.

And though, blessedly, he
hung on these last two decades,

it wasn't easy for us.

His pain, his anger,

his increasingly bizarre
reading choices. [STAMMERS]

But as you veterans
know, shrapnel can travel.

It might have taken 20 years

for that assassin's
b*llet to hit its mark.

But I have consulted with my lawyers,

and they've assured me there's no
statute of limitations on m*rder.

- [LINDA SIGHS]
- [VIRGINIA] Hmm?

[EVELYN] I'm only
comforted by the knowledge

that whomever pulled that trigger

is sure to be shaking in
their cheap cardboard shoes

at the thought of life behind bars.

Did your stepmother just
accuse you of m*rder?

She's just twisting the
Kn*fe. She's got nothing.

And now, in keeping
with Rollins tradition,

let us don our ceremonial tartans,

partake of the haggis buffet,
and as the bagpipes play,

a new leader of the Rollins
clan will be installed.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Huzzah!

What is she talking about?

Nah, it's just a fancy way of saying

we all put on kilts
and read Skeet's will.

Kilts? What do you mean kilts?

Hmm. The ceremonial Rollins
tartan. I brought mine.

What? [STAMMERS] Douglas,
this is my milieu.

And I'm standing here caught
like a high heel in sod. Paws.

[GROANING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

- [ROBERT] I forgot to pack my shirt.
- In the cupboard.

Have you never borrowed a lover's shirt?

- No.
- One of life's greatest pleasures.

Please, help yourself.

I was unaware of your Scottish
heritage. You are full of surprises.

[CHUCKLES] Well, it's a...
it's a weird family thing.

- The kilt, I mean.
- Not your family?

No, not my family. But
expected at a funeral, you know?

How well my shirt fits you.

Thank you.

Would you like me to come with you?

To the funeral?

No.

I would very much like to come with you.

Yeah, but people there
wouldn't understand.

It's not your place.

Robert, a prince can
go anywhere he likes.

[WHISPERS] And I'd like to go with you.

I already have a date.

Hmm. We'll make it... how do
the Americans say... a double?

I'll bring the princess,
and you will wear my shirt.

I will be all over you,
and nobody will know.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah.

Who is this date? Seems I
must challenge her to a duel.

Mmm.

[MAXINE] You keep
leaving me in the dark.

I was set up, Maxine, I swear.

Pinky, Perry, that f*cking
prince, they played me.

- [SIGHS]
- Pardon me, I'd hoped you'd be here.

My RSVP.

And I appreciate your
continued discretion.

I look forward to being your emcee.

[NORMA MUMBLES]

- I'll take that.
- [STAMMERS, SIGHS] Fine.

- How much?
- Five thousand.

Oh, that's a heck of
a lot of appreciation.

What kind of pies is
that guy piping into?

At least one of our
business plans is working.

- Don't be mean, Maxine.
- You don't be mean.

You forgot to tell me
about the stupid sash.

[SIGHS] Oh, my condolences, Evelyn.
That was an interesting eulogy.

Thank you, Douglas.

I'm so, so sorry.

I received your little
invite in the mail.

You did? Wonderful.

Is it? You seem to have lost
my name as cochair. [CHUCKLES]

Well, Norma already did the invites.

I just simply sent 'em along as is.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. And what
have you got there?

It's an RSVP to Norma's Beach Ball.

- So why isn't Norma holding it?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I was just about to pop it right
into her little side basket.

- Well, we'll be off.
- Why don't you leave Norma with me?

It would be a great comfort

to have a dear old friend by
my side as I greet the mourners.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Axel, care for creamed corn? Tapioca?

Yeah, tapioca. Yeah.

She's gonna be bummed when she
realizes they're only serving haggis.

Well, well. The man
and woman of the hour.

[MAXINE] Ann. [CHUCKLES]

I wasn't expecting to see you today.

Oh, I'd never miss a funeral.
It's where all the real action is.

- [DOUGLAS CHUCKLES]
- [ANN] Care to comment, Doug?

- About what?
- As reported in the Miami Herald,

your old school chum
has gone down in flames.

Were you aware of Donahue's, hmm,
less-than-kosher business practices?

Douglas had no idea.
He was barely involved.

Oh. According to sources, you
demanded to be named partner.

[DOUGLAS] What sources?

[EMCEE] Men, grab your kilts.
Ladies, grab your sashes.

T-minus 30 to the will reading.

- That man loves a countdown.
- [MAXINE CHUCKLES]

Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies,
I am going to go get changed.

- Ann... [CHUCKLES] ... we're friends, right?
- Are we?

[INHALES] I don't want
you to write anything

about my husband's involvement

with the Perry Donahue business.

So he was involved?

Douglas, he is a wonderful man.

And he's like a child in
all the ways that count.

And he's truly... He's
just very trusting.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Here in Palm Beach, Maxine,
we're all part of the club...

- Oh.
- ... till the worm turns.

Then it's every man for himself.

[WHISPERS] "Worm turns"?

[PERSON] My appreciation, Norma.

Thank you, Theodore.

- My condolences, Evelyn.
- [EVELYN] Thank you.

I see that grin. Are
you planning something?

Maybe.

Good for you. Women like us
have to stay one step ahead.

- Am I right?
- [SCOFFS]

Men are so unpredictable.

[GROANS, SCOFFS]

Norma, I'm so sorry
I'm late. I can explain.

My condolences. I met your husband
once, and he was a great man.

Uh, it depends on who you ask.

Oh, hello. Who do we have here?

[ROBERT] Allow me to introduce
you to His Royal Highness,

Prince of Luxembourg and
the Princess Stephanie.

- An honor.
- The honor is all mine.

[ANN] Smile.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

No photo!

These men got rich sending boys
to w*r like your husband, Sylvia.

So now let's use their
fortune to help save him.

So, we're just gonna take things
from the house? Isn't that stealing?

No, it's liberating.

We gotta get him to Canada. And
nothing would make Daddy more proud.

In the orangery... Go to
that room. It has a blue vase.

- That's the Ming. It's worth $25,000.
- Holy sh*t.

- Yeah.
- Also, what's an orangery?

- It's a room with all the oranges.
- It's Florida. They're in every room.

If you go to Dad's study,

there's an armoire that
has his watch collection.

The Patek Philippe is the one that
stopped working the day my mom d*ed.

Okay, so I want the one that's broken.

- That's the most valuable?
- Exactly.

[SYLVIA EXHALES DEEPLY]

Now, Virginia, if you go...

I'm not robbing your dead
daddy at his own funeral.

- [SIGHS] All you have to do is go in...
- I'm not gonna get a slap on the wrist.

They're gonna cuff me.

I didn't think of it that way.

- [STAMMERS, SIGHS]
- Of course you didn't.

Look, if you really want to help
us, spare us this treasure hunting.

- Just write us a check.
- The check will get traced.

- [SCOFFS]
- This way you can just pawn it for cash.

We need to move.

I need a drink.

His family's in oil
going back generations.

- Smart move on your part.
- [GASPS]

- Thank you.
- Always good to have a backup plan.

- Raquel, hi.
- [CHUCKLES]

Can I just steal you for a minute?

Dinah, I'm so glad you met someone.

- Hello, Axel.
- Hi.

You haven't touched your haggis.

- [SYLVIA] Oh, man, seriously?
- [FOOTFALLS]

Your husband is a seasoned criminal.

- [SCOFFS]
- What do you do... let's just say...

Pinky were to find
himself in trouble again?

Well, that depends on
exactly what kind of trouble.

Let's just say... again... it
would be the sort of trouble

that might land someone in the
slammer for 20 years to life.

You want to avoid the clink?

You got two options. You
pay up or you trade up.

Pay up, meaning?

Bribes to police, lawyers'
fees, bribes to the judges.

- Mmm.
- Easily half a million.

Oh. The trade-up option is?

If the police have a little
fish, you throw them a whale.

What if one has neither
finances nor fish?

Well, then you're f*cked. Speaking
of, here's your ball check.

Oh, Norma's ball check. [STAMMERS]

Whatever you say, Maxine.

- Do you have an extra sash? Raquel?
- [CABINET DOOR CLICKS]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Nice skirt. [SIGHS] You'll
make a pretty prison wife.

[COUGHS] What?

Somebody's going down
for this Donahue sh*t.

It's not gonna be me.

You're saying it's gonna be me?

Yeah. We're the only two standing here.

Look, I like you,
Doug. I like your wife.

You're a new breed. These old
guys are dropping like flies.

Palm Beach needs new kings.

What does it matter, if
I'm rotting in prison?

Play your cards right,
and I'll take care of you.

Then maybe the new guys
will take care of Palm Beach.

You got the cojones, right?

Yeah.

- Yes, that's it. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- [SIGHS] I size up for comfort.

Great. Wow.

Whoa! I didn't say take the Renoir.

- I improvised.
- No, no, no, we can't steal that.

- This is bad. We're going to prison.
- [LINDA STAMMERS]

- We're gonna go to prison.
- No, no, no.

- We're not gonna go to prison. It's okay.
- Maxine's husband is.

I heard her talking. She's...

- What?
- [MAXINE] Linda?

- Oh, Linda.
- Oh, oh.

[MAXINE] Oh, Linda, thank God.

Tell me you have an
extra sash, a tartan.

I'll take anything
plaid. I need your help.

Oh, I b*rned my tartan seven years ago

along with my Cross Your Heart bra.

What about that little thing?

I wore that to my mom's
funeral when I was three.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I borrow it? I know
it's tiny, but I'm desperate.

Heck, I'll even take that little
bear if I have to. [CHUCKLES]

I hate not fitting in.

You ladies know what I'm talking about.

Um, why don't you give us a minute?

[FEMINISTS MURMURING, WHISPERING]

Okay.

[LINDA SIGHS]

Strange friends.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

This is fun. [CHUCKLES]

Your date's a woman of few words.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, so is yours.

I'll fetch the lovely
ladies some cocktails

- to liven up the mood. [CHUCKLES]
- [ROBERT] Mmm.

I'll be right back.

Can you please take care of her?

One minute. Thank you.

Maxine, you need to
start living in real life.

- [SIGHS]
- Sylvia told me Douglas might go to jail.

Douglas isn't going to jail.

He didn't do anything. He was tricked.

- Oh.
- You always think the worst of him.

[ROBERT] Fern told me
I would find you here.

Oh. Hey.

- So sorry for your loss.
- [LINDA] Thanks for coming.

[ROBERT] I mean, I
barely got to know him,

but he made such a big impact on me.

[LINDA] You know, he
really liked you too.

[ROBERT CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] What's going on with you?

You look funny. And I'm not
talking about that jacket and skirt.

- Okay, I met someone. That's it.
- [LINDA GASPING]

- [ROBERT] True.
- [GASPS]

- Yeah, that's it. [CHUCKLES]
- Here. Tell us.

I found his number in Aisle 7.

- [GASPS] I love that.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, who is he?

- Well, he's very discreet.
- Mmm.

- Yeah.
- Discreet?

- Yeah.
- But you met somebody.

I want you to be able to
shout it from the rooftops.

I can't.

[STAMMERS] You know I can't.

But, Robert, there's
nothing wrong with you.

Hmm. He is a bit mouthy.

- Maxine.
- I'm just being honest.

[CHUCKLES]

The point is, the world just
hasn't caught up to you yet.

You being your truth, maybe
eventually it will. Huh?

Maybe he doesn't want to be a movement.

I just want to be a person.

I get that.

Yeah, I get that too.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Thanks.

And now I'm gonna go and
catch up to my date. Bye.

- Wha... Wait, he's here?
- Wait a minute.

[STAMMERS] Oh, my God, can we meet him?

- [LINDA CHUCKLES]
- [MAXINE] Tease.

[LAUGHS] Hmm.

[EVELYN] Linda, get your ass
out here. Everyone's waiting!

I hate her. And all
this bullshit pageantry.

- Hey, pageantry is not bullshit.
- [SCOFFS]

You go out there and you...
you honor your father's life.

You owe that to yourself and to him.

- But first I need to know something.
- Yeah?

How much does that bear mean to you?

As the will is read, please
enjoy the soothing sounds

of the Palm Beach Bagpipers of yore.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Hey.

Ah! Mr. Condos.

- Ah, Mr. Cocksucker.
- Hmm.

I want my $250,000 back.

It's already in my Swiss bank account.

I can't help if your condos
went... how do you say... titty up?

You think I can't still
make things happen?

You think I don't have cojones?

Of course you do. I can
see them under your skirt.

- [INHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]

- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [PEOPLE GASP]

What's the matter with you, man?

[LAUGHS] There's my king.

Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

No photo.

[MUMBLING]

[PRINCE] How do you work for that man?

I don't work for him.
I... I work for his aunt.

And I guess I don't work for her
either, seeing as I don't get paid.

Come away with me.

I have a friend who has a
villa on the Côte d'Azur.

Let's go together.

[MOANS]

You have no home.

No job.

What is keeping you here?

[IN JERSEY ACCENT] I said
no m*therf*cking photo.

You scared... [YELPS]

[BOTH GRUNTING, STRAINING]

[PANTING, SHRIEKING]

[BAGPIPES CONTINUE PLAYING]

Fibrosis, Maxine.

[GASPS]

Do you find fibrosis ridiculous, Maxine?

Because... [SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
... your excuses have been.

Ridiculous? No... [CHUCKLES]
... Mary, of course not.

In fact, I have cut you a
cashier's check for that $75,000

that I brought today for the


but I would love to just hang
on to this for a bit longer.

My husband d*ed of fibrosis
of the liver, Maxine.

I had no idea.

My husband, David Davidsoul,

lost his life to this
terrible affliction.

I'm sorry, your husband's
name is David Davidsoul?

Was.

Oh, of course.

Do you have any idea how many people
in this great nation are diagnosed

with this deadly disease every year?

- Two million?
- Seventeen.

And thanks to my foundation, 16
of them are in full remission.

- Congratulations.
- But number 17, little Shelbi.

Oh, it's... it's upside down. [CHUCKLES]

There she is. Little Shelbi.

With an "I."

She lives in Montana with
no access to medical care.

Not even a vet. Not even a farm vet.

I want you to look into
little Shelbi's eyes

and tell her there won't be a
cure for Christmas this year.

No "ho, ho, ho."

I feel just awful.

And when little Shelbi
dies for lack of $75,000...

With all due respect, you
are a very wealthy woman.

Couldn't you possibly write a
check to little Shelbi yourself?

That's not the point, Maxine!

I want that check.

That check with your
name on it. You promised.

We are at a funeral, so I do feel,

out of respect, perhaps we
could pick this up another time?

You can be sure of it.

[SIGHS]

[MAXINE] Norma!

[STAMMERS] What are you doing
out here all by yourself?

[BABBLES] Bathroom.

Oh, uh, you know, they're just about

to name the new leader of Clan Rollins.

- Can it wait a little?
- Uh-uh.

Okay.

I know that feeling. Oh,
my. Look at all these RSVPs.

Ooh! Norma, you still got it.

Okay, now, let's find
a bathroom in here.

Bathrooms.

Okay.

Okay.

Bet there's a hundred in this house.

I'm not sure where to
go. This looks familiar.

Let's try this room. Have
you ever seen this place?

- [GASPS] Oh.
- [GASPS]

- [GASPS]
- [STAMMERS]

[GASPS]

Let's just go back in here. Norma, uh...

Stop. Norma, please...

Uh, maybe you should take her home...

- [ROBERT SIGHS]
- ... and talk to her.

She doesn't have an open mind like I do.

Okay.

- I'm so sorry, Norma.
- Hmm.

If you hurt my friend,
I will m*rder you.

I assure you, my
intentions are honorable.

Honorable? Just like how
you stole $250,000 from me?

Ah, don't play dumb.

I wrote you a cashier's check
just like this with my name on it,

in black-and-white
for the world to see...

Oh, no.

Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- [DOUGLAS GRUNTING]
- Douglas, what have you done?

Oh, I finally manned up, Maxine.

You gotta k*ll to be king. [SIGHS]

Are you drunk?

Maybe. There's no food here,

and you know haggis makes
me blow up like a tick.

No, I... I didn't know that.
[STAMMERS] Add it to the list!

What list?

Douglas, my name was on those checks!

[EXECUTOR] "As Aldous Huxley wrote,

'The secret of happiness and virtue
is liking what you've got to do.'

To be happy, we must accept

our unescapable social
destiny. We are but... "

Oh, my God! This is what
comes from reading books.

[MAXINE ARGUING IN DISTANCE]

Penelope, are you even paying attention?

[LINDA] Maxine and Douglas are fighting.

I signed them. It's my name. I
was greasing their palms, not you!

[DOUGLAS] Oh, no, no. Maxine, let me...

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT] ... yes.

Uh, "Some people are born Alphas,
others Betas, Deltas and so on.

To each class belongs its
unique gifts and burden."

Let's get to the grand finale, huh?

- [DOUGLAS ARGUING]
- [EXECUTOR] "Birth is destiny.

I hereby bequeath the
entirety of my possessions

to my daughter Penelope. Signed
this day, November 22, 1969."

- What?
- [SIGHS] Well, he did it.

Wait a minute. My dad changed
his will the day before he d*ed?

I told you I knew your
father better than you.

Oh, f*ck. [SIGHS]

[MAXINE] Am I going to Sing Sing?

No. No, babe. I... I... I would
never let that happen, Maxine.

I... I swear.

- Trust me.
- How can I trust you, Douglas?

- How can you trust me? What?
- Oh, Maxine.

[SYLVIA STAMMERS] Um, do you
know where there's a bathtub?

I hardly think this is
the time or the place.

[CHUCKLES] My water
broke. The baby's coming.

Oh. Douglas, get up.
[STAMMERS] Call an ambulance!

No, no, no, n... No hospital.

We planned on having
a water birth at home.

- Oh. Okay. [STAMMERS] We'll get you home.
- [SYLVIA GROANS]

No, there's no time.
The baby's coming now.

- What's a water birth?
- Okay.

Douglas... [STAMMERS]...
do some... Pick her up.

- Excuse us!
- She's having a baby!

I need scissors and towels!

Scissors and towels. Excuse me.

[RITA] Sorry. [PANTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Do you know where I
can find some scissors?

My friend, she's having
a baby in the bathtub.

Has she chosen a water birth?

[SYLVIA WAILING]

[SIGHS] I hate this house.

I chaired the gala for Palm
Beach General's obstetrics wing.

[SYLVIA WAILING]

My time has come.

Lead me to her.

- Just ebb and flow...
- [FEMINISTS HUMMING]

- ... with the water.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll let you
ladies take it from here.

Wait! No, no, I need him.

I'm supposed to squeeze my
husband's hand if I feel any pain.

- Oh. [STAMMERS] Douglas! Sit down.
- Why?

Because you need to hold her hand.

[DOUGLAS GROANS]

Okay, ladies, let...
let's just keep humming.

Keep humming, keep
humming, keep humming.

- Okay, just breathe, breathe, breathe.
- [SYLVIA WAILING]

[GROANS] Oh, Jesus! Ow!

That's one hell of a grip.
You're crushing my hand.

Just breathe and... and... and push.

[SCREAMING]

You're gonna break my bones!

Oh. Pull his hair. It's all right!

- [GROANING]
- [MAXINE] Push and pull!

- [SCREAMING] Help me. Help me. [PANTING]
- [MARY] Breathe, Sylvia.

Push and pull!

[MARY] Breathe, Sylvia.

- [SYLVIA WAILING]
- [SCREAMING] Help me!

Oh. Oh, my God.

- It's coming!
- [SYLVIA, DOUGLAS SCREAMING]

- [SYLVIA, DOUGLAS PANTING]
- [MAXINE] Oh! Oh! [CHUCKLES]

[BABY WAILING]

- [GASPS]
- Cut the cord, Maxine.

M-Me?

- [PANTING] U-Uh, honey. [MUTTERS]
- Mm-hmm. [SIGHS]

I can't.

I can't.

[PANTING]

[RITA STAMMERS] I'll do it. I'll do it.

- [PANTING, GRUNTS]
- [SCISSORS SNIP]

- [SYLVIA] Oh.
- It's a boy. [CHUCKLES]

It's a boy. [CHUCKLES]

[FEMINISTS GASPING, SIGHING]

And we shall call him Shelbi.

We were thinking Jack.

Jack Shelbi.

- [JACK CRYING]
- Mmm.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry you had to see that, Norma.

I understand that
seeing it makes it real.

He's a good man.

He's smart, he's rich,
he's royal. [CHUCKLES]

Would it be too much for
me to ask for your blessing?

[SIGHS]

[TIMER DINGS]

It's time for your insulin.

[BABBLING]

- [BAG UNZIPS]
- Norma, what is this?

[STAMMERS]

I know what you were trying to do.

You were trying to protect yourself.

[SIGHS]

It must be so horrible

to have people move into your
house and push you around.

Listen, I... I didn't trust Maxine
in the beginning, but now I do.

She wouldn't do anything
to hurt you or me.

[INHALES SHARPLY] In the meantime,
I'm gonna take all these g*ns

and I'm gonna put them away

because I don't want any
tragic accidents in the house.

Boo!

[ROBERT] Norma, if I
didn't know you any better,

I would think that you were planning

on getting Maxine all
alone at the funeral

and murdering her in cold
blood while the bagpipes played.

[MAXINE] Hey, you.

Hey.

It's strange.

In another life, this
would have been my house.

- [MAXINE CHUCKLES]
- [JACK WAILING]

[MAXINE] And you could've
had a baby. [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS] Wasn't meant to be.

I will admit, it was
a real roller coaster.

Getting married and thinking
we were having a baby and...

[MAXINE SIGHS]

- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
- Max, honey, what is it?

That's not exactly how
it happened. [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS]

I lost the baby before we got married,

um, but right... right
before. [CHUCKLES]

And I... I didn't want to tell
you 'cause you were so excited,

and I didn't want to disappoint you.

I thought... We thought it'd be
so easy to get pregnant again.

[SIGHS] I'm so sorry.

[STAMMERS] That was wrong.
I should have told you.

After all this time, I should
have told you. It was wrong.

But please tell me you forgive me.

Please tell me it's all right.

- Douglas, please say something.
- Uh...

I'm gonna go pull the car around.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- [JACK WAILING]

Fingers and toes. [CHUCKLES]
And your nose. [CHUCKLES]

- [AXEL BARKS]
- Jesus Christ.

[AXEL BARKS, WHIMPERS]

Shall we, darling? [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Douglas, you and I need to talk.

Now is not the time, Evelyn.

It just seems a shame that a
girl who m*rder*d her own father

ends up with all his money.

We both know that Linda
didn't m*rder Skeet.

Maybe it took 20 years, but the
b*llet she fired did k*ll him.

You and I are the only two
who saw what happened that day.

And if we were to
corroborate one another, well,

the truth is when two people agree.

Think about it.

Yes?

I'm looking for Mrs. Maxine Dellacorte.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

[LINDA] Oh.

I came to say goodbye.

You should go see the
baby. He's beautiful.

There's a baby?

Sylvia had her baby in the tub.

Douglas's head chipped the enamel.

I hope Evelyn's not gonna be too upset.

It's not Evelyn's. [SIGHS]

Huh?

It's my bathtub.

All this is mine. [SIGHS]

Maxine... [SIGHS]

... this is the worst day of my life.

I'm so sorry.

Can't always get what we want.

Evelyn. Evelyn, uh,
have you seen Douglas?

A man in a fedora just took him away.

Oh.

He didn't say anything, did he?

I heard him say, "It's all
my fault. Take me, not her."

"Her"?

Yes.

I assume he meant you.

Oh, Douglas.

Have you seen a tall
bitch from New Jersey?

She stole my camera.

No.

Robert?

Robert, where are you? I need you.

- Robert?
- [APPROACHING FOOTFALLS]

Maxine. Thank God, I
was getting worried.

Mitzi, what are you doing here?

Robert called and asked
if I'd watch Norma.

- He went out with a friend.
- Where?

He said to call The Breakers
Hotel if there was an emergency.

- [SIGHS]
- Is it an emergency?

[SIGHS] Mitzi.

[SIGHS]

Mr. Dellacorte is... He's gone.

They took him away.

Because of the Perry Donahue business.

[STAMMERS] But Mr. Dellacorte
didn't do anything, did he?

No. No, of course not.

Things can change so fast.

Make sure... You... You promise me
that you will plan for your future.

Barbizon leads places, you know.

Just look at my friend Stephanie.

Thanks to Barbizon,
she's dating a prince.

Princess Stephanie did Barbizon?

She was in my class.

I saw her at the space launch,
and she was with a prince.

Oh.

Well, maybe don't pay attention
to what other people are doing.

Can you stay and watch Norma?

Sure.

'Cause I'm tired.

Thanks, pal.

[MAXINE] Coffee's on.

[SIGHS]

I was at the...

At The Breakers Hotel with
your new friend. Mitzi told me.

I think I'm gonna go
away for a while, Maxine.

Where are you going?

South of France.

For how long?

A couple of months. I know that Norma
will be fine, 'cause she has you.

And I don't have anyone.

Douglas has been taken in for
questioning. It doesn't look good.

Forget about what I just
said. I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not gonna leave
you and Norma here alone

for a man I barely even know.

You know, I barely knew Douglas
before we ran away together.

Certain feelings can be deceiving.

But it was the best
decision I ever made.

Go with your prince.

He's got $250,000 of Norma's
money, so spend the hell out of it.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

I mean it. Spend the hell out of it.

Champagne and caviar every
single day. Promise me.

When do you leave?

He's coming to pick
me up this afternoon.

Then you better start packing.

[SIGHS]

[ROBERT] I love you.

Sorry, Norma.

We were so close.

[MAXINE] Robert had to go get his man.

And I had to go get mine.

I need these cashed, please.

To cash checks of this size and
volume, the bank requires a cosigner.

A husband, perhaps?

It is my name on this goldarn account.

I need you to cash these goldarn
checks before I make a scene.

Let me go talk to my manager.

No photo.

[MAXINE] Raquel's words
echoed in my ears.

In Palm Beach, the only way
to avoid jail was to pay up.

Or trade up.

Please don't judge me.

Everything I did was in the best
interest of those I care about most.

Identity theft, forgery, wire fraud,

a dozen different aliases.

You're holding a minnow.
I'm giving you a whale.

So where is this whale?

First, I'd like
assurance that all charges

against my husband be dropped.

And all assets, once recovered, be
returned to the Dellacorte estate.

[G-MAN] Yeah. Go ahead.

The prince...

is staying at The Breakers.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Going somewhere?

Maybe.

Now, that was quick.

Congratulations. You must
have worked a miracle.

Yeah, kind of.

[SIGHS]

I don't think my prince is coming.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.