01x04 - Big Plans

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

So, do you think this outfit
will get me this Chief Administrator job?

Are you meeting with a man or a woman?

A man.

Now you'll get it.

Damn. I never thought
I'd get Me Too'd by my own sister.

Okay. Don't be mad
when some big-titted bitch

is walking around with your job.

Stop trying to body shame me.

sh**t. It ain't my fault
you shaped like Daddy.

All right, it's your dream,

I'm just trying to
get you to the mountaintop.

Well, I don't need
all that, all right?

I have 20 years' experience.

This job is in the bag.

And when I get it,
I'mma march right into my boss' office

and quit right in her face.

Bump that.
You should take a dump on her desk.

She'll get the message.

What kind of psycho does that?

Nobody I know.

Now see,
I was thinking I would show up late.

Maybe wear jeans.

We quit different.

Whatever. Do you.

Point is, you're moving on,
moving up. No more roadblocks.

Hey. Now that I got my coffee,

you want to throw in
a little quickie before work?

Mmm.

I forgot about that dead end.

No, baby, I can't.
I have my interview at St. Vincent's.

Yeah, baby, that's today?
Ooh, go ahead on, Mrs. Upshaw.

Baby, you gon' get that job.

Ooh. Mmm.

I know that's right.

It ain't nothing more sexy
than a woman gettin' a big-ass paycheck.

Oh, pump me up, Daddy.
Pump me up!

Ooh, I hate when you like him.

Quit hatin', Can't Run-DMC.

All right.

Hey, what happened to
supporting me, okay? Focus up, people.

- Focus up.
- I'mma do a little bit more supportin',

when I pick up
that bottle of Cook's champagne.

Ooh.

Yeah, nothing says
"I love you" like gas-station bubbly.

We can't toast tonight, okay?

You've got poker and I've got trivia.

And I have your kids.

Tonight we gonna go on Facebook

and I'm gonna show them
the kinda life they could've had

if their mama had married Dante.

He's a doctor now.

He met Obama.

Why don't you take the kids
down to the animal shelter

and show them the life you coulda had
if you hadn't chewed through that cage?

- Come on, I'm ready for you.
- Come on!

All right, no, no, no.

All right, all right, all right!

That's enough now.

Now, Lucretia...

you deserved that one.

And, husband, you stay in the light.

I'll see you tonight after trivia.

All right,
enjoy your nerd night, all right?

I told you not to call it that.

You is right.

I mean, it's a bunch of smart people
takin' tests for fun.

Ain't nothing nerdy about that.

Sis, back me up.

I tell people you're at AA.

♪ Solid as a rock ♪

♪ Solid ♪

I know it sounds like a cliché,

but I truly am committed
to maximizing efficiencies in health care

without compromising patient care.

And I make cupcakes for birthdays.

Regina Upshaw, you are a find.

Hearing your passion
for the work is wonderful.

- I'd love to hire you, but...
- Ah, thank you.

Thank you, thank you!

Uh, you didn't let me finish, uh...

- Sadly...
- No, no, don't say "sadly."

- Unfortunately...
- Oh, that's a bougie "sadly."

Without an MBA, we can only hire you
at the position you currently hold.

A master's degree
is really that important?

People don't go to grad school
because they enjoy student loans.

So my 20 years' experience

means nothing compared to an MBA?

Basically. Look,

what I can do is offer you
your current position at this salary.

I make more than that
in the position I currently hold.

Then what are you doin' here?

Tryin' to better myself, assh*le.

So on your résumé
where it says "good under pressure"?

You're not dangling
out that window, are you?

Hey, yo, Bennie.
I got your champagne for Regina.

Damn, Duck, that ain't Cook's.

I ain't trying to spend
all of Regina's new-job money.

She's a good woman, man.
She deserves... better.

I got her a card, too.

I left a little room
on the bottom for you.

You're welcome.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, Bennie, what's tonight's buy-in?

Tony, you ask me that sh*t every week.

I told you it's $20 cash,
and I ain't taking no scratch-offs.

Well, okay.

Hey, baby. Yeah, um...

He said it's, um, $20,
so can I play?

Okay, thank you.
Hey, baby, I lo... Oh, she...

Okay.

Yeah, hah! That's right.
That's all your asses tonight.

sh*t, I'm the man!

Here. You still ordering sh*t?
I thought you said you was done.

I said that?

Yeah, I be saying stuff, yeah.

Besides, poker game's tonight.
Bring the cash and you good.

Can't. Wouldn't,
but also can't. I got a date.

A date? Boy, what's her Instagram?

Pull her up, lemme see
what a young player's working with.

What's her name?

Old people shouldn't be on social media.

No, a grown man shouldn't be
wearing booty shorts to work...

but you walking around
dressed like a half-wrapped Tootsie Roll.

Let me see the girl.
How long you been seeing her?

Are you trying to
tiptoe into a father moment?

No. You know,
your mama's worried about you.

She don't want you running through women.

Oh, she don't want me
to turn out like you, huh?

Yeah, basically.

Inspection time! Hands up, receipts out.

Why you act like we criminals?

Who's actin'?

That's why I don't fool with family.
Cold. I don't know.

Auntie, we got a tenant situation.

- Did Miss Adelman finally die?
- Nope.

She's still
hanging on to that rent control.

Well, you're
my building manager, so fix it.

Come on, Bennie, hurry up. I gotta go.

It's the guy from 3B, Ernest.

Still? I thought you were handling him.

I keep putting
eviction notices on his door,

he turns around, puts 'em back on mine.

It's embarrassing
when I'm trying to bring a date home.

Aww, boo-hoo, nephew.

But look, I'm just hearing problems.

We gotta get a real estate lawyer
and take him to court.

Not with my money.

- I'll get him out.
- How?

The less you know, the better.

But look, watch the girls for me tonight.

For some reason, after a teen pregnancy,

a second mortgage,

a break baby, and a third mortgage,

your parents still feel
they deserve a night out.

Anything you need, Auntie.
I'll cancel my plans.

Hey, man, what about the date?
You can't cancel for me?

No.

See, I blame you.

Yeah, I blame you.

You raised him to turn on me.

I raised him to k*ll you in your sleep.

And I'm still waitin'.

Damn it!

That is my third tequila sh*t

and I'm still
thinking about that damn job.

Three? Those limes are slowing you down.

Uh-uh, all right?

You save
some brain cells for trivia, please.

I don't wanna be a loser here, too.

I'm a nurse,
I know how much I can handle.

The more you whine,
the more I have to drink.

Oh, wine. Should I switch to wine?

No, you're right. You're right.
Okay, I will let it go.

It's just so unfair.

Oh, that Chief Administrator job
was supposed to be mine.

Now I'm stuck
at Mercy General with dumb Sheila.

If the only thing that's holding you back
is an MBA, go get one.

Tuck in your privilege.

That's that white girl
cat calendar sh*t talking.

"Believe it, achieve it!"

"No day like today!"

You got me that calendar.

You know,
if dumb Sheila can do it, so can I.

You are way better than dumb Sheila.

Oh, uh-uh. See, wait a minute.

You probably
shouldn't call her dumb Sheila.

It sounds r*cist when you say it.

Okay, let's try this again.

Kelvin Upshaw, are you
related to that Aaliyah girl?

No, I am not.

But you look a lot
like her dead boyfriend.

Not all Black people look alike.

Good, good.

Look, this is a two-way street.

I'll pretend not to know you,

but you gotta put me on with the hotties.

I can point you to their lunch table.

I thought you were popular.

It's a process. I'm coming up.

Kelvin, you staying for dinner?

That depends.

You makin' them fake greens again?

If you mean kale, I sure am.

Well, if you mean kale,
I'm sure not. Peace.

Make sure you practice
your lines, 'cause we gotta sell it.

Did Kelvin just leave?

I needed help with my family tree project.

I'll help you.

I needed to ask Kelvin
how he fits into the family.

Bernard will help you.

What do you mean,
"How he fits into the family"?

Well, I thought he was like a cousin,

but then Aaliyah said
that he was her boyfriend,

but then he wasn't her boyfriend.

Now I'm confused.

Nobody explained this mess to her?

What you looking
at me for? I'm not the adult.

Uh, well, Maya, you see, um...

before you were born...

Aaliyah?

Seriously?

How do you pick up packages with no spine?

Ernest! Open up. It's Ms. Turner,
the woman you owe rent to.

I know you not in there playin' Tony Hawk
scratchin' up my living room floors.

Technically, Tony Hawk's a skateboarder.

Look, you've been
ignoring eviction notices,

so I'm gonna need you
to pack up your stuff

and see your way
to the nearest skate park, Shaun White.

Snowboarder.

- Just get the hell out, fool.
- Squatter's rights.

You never
presented me with a written lease,

so according to Article 31
of Indiana state code,

get outta my face.

Well, I'd like to
present to you article one and two.

Ah, the threats begin.

I'll just be filmin'
the remainder of this interaction

in case I ever have to show it to a jury.

What do you have to say to that?

I wonder if that phone
will fit down your throat.

Not a thr*at, it's for science.

Ah! Sixes over nines, thank you very much.

Hell no.

- Come on, he's cheatin', man.
- Yeah.

Oh, man.

You one of
the most blessed convicts I ever seen.

Yeah. The Lord
is my shepherd, he shall not want

me to lose a hand. Put up!

Duck, drop what you're doing,
I need you right now.

Duck, don't do it.

With that kinda money right there,
you can get a woman with less mileage.

- Bennie's got a pair of twos.
- What the...

I have a tenant who's having trouble
paying rent. I need your help.

To do what? Thugging?

I already told you, I'm a man of God now.

Uh, bring God.

I have something
totally different in mind.

All right, give me a second.

You bring the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Won't He do it? Uh-oh.

sh*t, could He do it for me?

Now that the Right Reverend is gone,
I might have a sh*t. Lemme deal.

Uh, you know what?
Mom's been down for two hours now.

I should probably go turn her.

Yeah, maybe we should call it, man.

Come on, man.
Y'all scared I'm gonna take y'all money?

Regina's gone to trivia, let's play.

Oh. You know what? We should stay.

He did say
Regina went out for that new job.

- Yeah, and he's probably hurtin'.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- What y'all talking about?

Your lady's lookin'
for an upgrade, player.

Mmm-hmm.

Are you talking about her phone?

No. We thought you knew.

It's what always happens
when a Black woman comes up.

New job, more money, yoga.

Then they marry a white boy.

That's how I lost my lady.

- Huh?
- Look, I didn't always live with my mama.

Y'all ain't talking about me and my wife.

No, that's everybody.
Couples have to be on the same level.

The problem is,
you married "Tryin' Regina."

Now you married "Made It Regina." Yeah?

She's lookin'
for a much better class of man.

Ah, yeah? Where's she gonna meet him at?

Oh, I don't know.
Possibly her weekly trivia night.

You mean that place chock-full of smart,
good-looking white boys and liquor?

- No!
- No!

What are you talking about?

Your mama is the only woman that you know.

And, Tony, you whipped like butter.

Hey, man, I am not.

You know, sometimes
love is a one-way street.

He's just lashin' out.

Who are you talkin' to, man?

I got my woman on lock.

- Hey, I'mma text her right now.
- Okay.

Yeah. "Baby..."

"I'm thinking of you."

Yeah. Send.

Poor guy. He ain't even drunk.

Shut up, fool.

- Look, there's bubbles right there.
- Where?

Bubbles, man.

"K."

Damn, she ain't say nothing but "K"?

Damn.

She didn't even put the O in front of it.

The O is right above the K.

All right, and our
last question from round one was,

"Which of
Henry VIII's ships sank in 1545?"

Only one team got it right.

The Mary Rose, b*tches!

English Channel!

Damn, you are k*lling it!

Don't ever doubt me, Amy.

Wreckage was found in 1982,
but he ain't asked me that.

Here's to trivia night.

Ooh, I needed this!

No kids, no work, no husband,

just me, doin' me.

- It's Regina's world!
- Whoo!

All these white men in here.

Davis was right.

And Davis ain't never right.

Regina.

What the hell are you doin' here?

Why you don't want me here?

Are you hiding something?

I'm Bennie, by the way.

Regina's forever husband.

We've met. You were at my wedding.

You got drunk and fought the DJ.

You could be one of four people right now.

Sorry 'bout that.

Okay, let's get round two going!

- Let's go.
- Here we go.

Thanks for stopping by. Bye.

I'm here for you.

To be with you and to never leave you.

Let's trivia! Let's go, trivia!

Iowa! Caesar! Gettyburg!

They gotta ask questions first.

Oh, no... I know.

Look, I'm trying
to learn the rules, too. Okay?

I'm at your level. Come on with it, baby!

First question. What is the value... of pi?

Uh, Safeway or Kroger?

Hey, it's a math question.

Yeah, if it's math, Kroger's cheaper.

Okay, that's one point for us.
What's our team name?

Don't tell him. Don't you tell him.

The Re-Amy-Mators.

Uh, hell, no. That ain't...

Uh, hey, Harry Potter. Check this out.

We changing our name, all right?

Uh, we are now Earth, Wind
and... Amy. Yeah.

- 'Cause I'm fire, right?
- Yeah!

Okay, next question.

Which REO Speedwagon album

contained four US Top 40 hits?

No, babe, that's for Amy. Okay?

Put your pen down. You know this?

Yes. Shut up.

Well, how you know Oreo Fastwagon?

I need to check your presets.

I need for you to go.

Question three.

Which Dixie Chick is...

No, no. Come on, man.

You gotta ask a question
we can all understand.

Let's keep it fair,

it's Black people in here, too,
besides us.

And the curly-haired dude in the back
that's trying to pass. What up, bro?

Okay, I got one right here.
Here it is, right here.

Did OJ do it?

It's tricky, be careful.

Baby, tell 'em
where you think the glove is.

Baby?

Regina? Regina?

Mmm. That was so good.

It was, huh?

Are you ready for bed now, sweetie?

Mmm-hmm.
As soon as y'all tell me about Kelvin.

I told you this wouldn't work.

Uh, Maya, why don't you go upstairs,

put your PJs on, brush your teeth

and if you're still awake
when we come up there,

then we'll tell you something.

I had three bowls of ice cream.

I'll be awake forever.

Great. Now she's all sugared up
and still asking questions.

What are we gonna do now?

I say we tell her the truth.
May as well learn young that Bennie sucks.

No, you just want to ruin him for her
so she'll hate him as much as you do.

Cool, so we have a game plan.

- Maya...
- No, Bernard, you're being an ass.

I remember when
I found out I was a ghetto twin.

I mean, it really sucked.

Do you wanna hurt Maya like that?

All right. You're right. Bennie's Bennie.

He doesn't need our help
to make him look bad.

Teeth are done. Who is he?

So, we're on the same page?

Distract her by telling her
she's getting a puppy?

It's worth a sh*t.

Really nice of you
giving me a place to stay.

Oh, of course.
We have to take care of our own.

Now, you sure you're okay
with having a roommate?

Hey, I just got out of prison.

Long as he stay on his side
during lights out, we good.

You'll like him. He's a Christian.

Y'all can swap
some of that fire and brimstone.

And make sure
you tell him about prison, too.

He's real curious
about the grisly down-and-dirty parts.

Ernest! It's Ms. Turner.

What the hell you want now?

Oh, I just want you
to meet your new roommate.

You can't give me a roommate.

Well, where does it say that in our lease?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
As you pointed out, we never did a lease.

But your new roomie's got one.

Enjoy fighting over that one bedroom.

Nice to meet you, brother.

You been baptized?

No.

Why?

I'll go clean out the tub,
we can do that now.

It's in your hands now, Jesus. Mmm.

Three, two, one.

You can have the damn place!

Just throw my sh*t out front.

What you running for?

I was just about to lay hands on you.

Huh. I guess
the apartment's all mine, then.

Yeah, as long as you pay rent.

You gonna redo my floors?

That ain't in your lease.

Damn, your Uber driver was
driving like you was trying to shake me.

Why, Bennie? Huh? Why?

I have been to a bunch of trivia nights
and you ain't never tripped before.

'Cause, baby, well...

Listen, baby. The guys, they said...

Right there. "The guys."

Hmm? "They said"?

What did they say, Bennie, huh?

- "Eff up Regina's one night to herself"?
- No.

They said you'd leave me for a white guy.

Okay? And it stuck in my head.

The dude's name is Tucker.

And he do his hair like this all the time.

And he dance like that,
you know what I mean?

And y'all was gonna have mixed kids
that look like Kanye West's children.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about losing you.

Losing me?
Look, what am I, a pair of keys?

And I know for damn sure
that you are not taking marriage advice

from them
no-wife-having clowns down at your shop!

Yeah, you up here talking about
a new you, a new job, big changes.

And I'm afraid that I'd be one of 'em.

Do you turn the cars off
when you tune them?

- We've been together since high school.
- Yeah.

Did you really think
that a 10% bump in pay

was gonna make me start acting brand-new?

Not that it matters.

I didn't even get the damn job.

Oh, we cool, then. We fine. Yeah. Phew!

We not "cool."

We not "fine."

I'm not fine, so we not fine.

Girl, look, I'm just...

The next sh*t that come out
your mouth better sound something like,

"I'm sorry, Regina."

"You'll get it next time, Regina."

sh*t...

"I believe in you, Regina."

That's what I meant
when I said we was fine.

- This mother...
- What the... Ah!

Babe, you know I'm not good with words.

All I know is I lucked up when I got you.

Yeah, you did. You damn sure did.

Boy...

But you got me. We together.

Any move I make, I make with you.

Yeah. Forget that punk-ass job.
You'll find something better, babe.

Yeah, forget that job.

- Look at you learning.
- Yeah.

But no, I won't. Not without a damn MBA.

You know what? We gonna get one.

Matter of fact, I got a partner who got
two in the backyard sitting on bricks.

Okay?

- Sitting next to a Cadillac and a...
- Oh. Stop it.

You know it's a degree.

It means I'd have to,
ugh, go back to school.

Yeah. Well, you can do
what you got to do. You...

- It's not just me.
- Yeah.

- That sh*t costs time and money.
- Yeah, I know.

We'd have to make a lot of adjustments.

Well, let's make the adjustments.

I'm rolling with you
till the wheels fall off.

Mommy, Mommy!

Maya, what are you doing up?

I had three bowls of ice cream,
finished my family tree project,

and put together a 1,000-piece puzzle.

She did that puzzle quick.

I would have her tested.
We could be sitting on something.

Let me see this.

Oh, my goodness, baby, this is wonderful.

It is. And she put Kelvin on it.

Oh, yeah. I know all about Kelvin now.

We... we really never told her?

No. No, you did not.

Bernard told me all about it.

What'd he say?

Bernard said that Kelvin was delivered
by Santa Claus in a Easter basket

as a gift on Aaliyah's birthday.

I hope I get a brother for my birthday.

Aww. You better not.

Oh. I don't know
why they even have trivia night.

They ought to just
hand us the win when we hit the door.

I gotta hand it to Bennie.

Amy, Earth and Wind is a much better name.

I knew I should've cut you off at six.

Speaking of Bennie, let me get home

before he thinks I've run away
with some random white guy.

Ooh. I wouldn't mind running off with him.

Ooh, look at you, drunk girl on the prowl.

Like January says, "A husband
is just a stranger you said hello to."

What? That calendar don't say that.

I'm making my own calendar.

And every month
is gonna have a picture of that dude.

Ugh.

Of course. All the hot ones are gay.

Stop it, okay? 'Cause you know
that you cannot judge a book by its...

Bernard?

What?