03x08 - Holes Are Bad

[bunniefuu]

Well, Mrs. Woodstone, good to see you.

How was your trip to Michigan?

Well, we lost a coachman
to fever in Ohio,

but still made good time.

We arrived in under two months.

What route did you take?

I've heard good things about The Road.

Enough small talk, George.

Where is my husband?

You're his lawyer, you must
know where he absconded to,

and what floozy he took with him.

Unfortunately, I know not where he went.

Well, his absence has left
me a social pariah.

Apparently, Mamie Fish has
been going around telling people

I don't have the ankles to keep a man.

In any case, Elias has left behind

no small amount of legal trouble.

- Legal trouble? Like what?
- Well, there's the matter

- of children working in your factories.
- What about it?

We're the largest employer
of children in six counties.

- We're doing our part, George.
- That's the problem.

People don't want
children working anymore.

In fact, they want them in school now.

During their most productive years?

[SIGHS] When their tiny fingers are

still small enough to fit into
the crevices of the machinery?

I am on your side.

But new laws have been passed

and Elias has been ignoring those laws.

- Ugh.
- In his absence,

his legal troubles fall
squarely upon your shoulders.

What?

If convicted, they
will seize your assets.

They'll take your money, your homes...

You will be left with nothing.

Surely there's-there's
some palm to grease

or politician to thr*aten.

Perhaps there's something to be done.

- Tell me.
- I have an in with the governor.

My wife recently
became his new mistress.

Oh, that's wonderful. Congratulations.

Thank you so much. Big
step up for the family.

Anyway, should any news
arise, I'll send a telegram.

Or better, just call me on my telephone.

Oh! You have a telephone.

First in the county.
Here, take down my number.

Go ahead.

It's "four."

Got it.

Let me read that back to you...

four.

Precisely.

♪

I couldn't help but notice
that we put the iPad away

and unplugged the Alexa.

Yeah, we're going away
to relax and unwind.

We don't want you bothering us.

What if there's an emergency?

None of you are alive.

What kind of emergency could there be?

Stay strong, babe. All right, listen up.

This is a ghost-free weekend,

so none of you guys burn the
house down while we're gone.

[LAUGHS] I'm looking at you, Thor.

SAMANTHA: You're not looking at Thor.

You could lie to me, babe.

- Just once.
- [CHUCKLES]

All right, we'll see you all soon.

Oh, and just so you know,
the contractor will be around

doing some odds and
ends on the property.

Installing the new ja-cu-cu?

We're not getting a ja-cu-cu.

Okay, that was definitely Trevor.

You got one, babe!

Okay. We'll see you. Bye.

- Oh. Bye, Sam.
- [HORN HONKS]

You two enjoy making whoopee
without us listening! [CHUCKLES]

- You listen?
- You don't?

NANCY: So...

I hear Sam and Jay are
out for the weekend, huh?

Anybody want to do it in their bed?

I don't know, maybe somebody
who has a shield and is tall?

Riffing off of that,

can I interest anyone
in a game of charades?

Hey, dorks.

- Stephanie. You're awake.
- Oh!

- HETTY: Oh, my.
- PETE: Stephanie.

- ISAAC: So soon.
- THORFINN: That's Stephanie.

- She teenage ghost who sleep a lot.
- Yeah, Thor. I remember Stephanie.

THORFINN: Sorry. Thor in habit
of explaining things to Flower.

- Flower, beautiful hippie who was very forgetful.
- Just stop.

- Why are you awake?
- You guys aren't gonna

believe what happened to me.

So, obviously, I've been alone forever

because I d*ed on my prom night,

and Trevor says that I'm
underage and it's "illegal."

Still very much standing by that.

And then I meet Ralph in the basement.

He's like a total babe, dead teenager...

his cholera boils aren't
even really that pus-y.

It's your classic meet-cute.

We were in love... [CHUCKLES]

and then he just disappeared on me.

Listen, Stephanie, your adolescent
breakups don't interest us.

Some of us are adults who are trying
to plan dinosaur-themed weddings.

We didn't break up. He got sucked off.

What?

When?

It was a few months ago.
We went up to my attic,

and it was so romantic...

You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.

[CHUCKLES] Gag me with a spoon.

I don't have a spoon.

My friend Paul did.

What was it like having cholera?

Bad.

[SIGHS]

I've never been this happy.

I thought that nothing
would ever top the time

that I finally got to try an orange.

Mm.

But this feeling... [SIGHS]

[WHOOSHING]

Ralph, wait!

Seriously?

[EXHALES] That was rude.

Okay.

I'm going back to sleep.

PETE: Everybody find
your suck-off buddy!

We were just kissing and
then he just went right up.

Now my life sucks again.

But I guess I rule at frenching.

PETE: Wait, wait. So you're saying

Ralph got sucked off a few months ago?

Wait, you wear glasses,
but you're not smart?

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that's good.

Nancy, you said you counted
all the basement ghosts

and everyone was there, right?

- Nancy?
- Well, yeah...

I may have forgotten Ralph.

Whoa... okay. I guess it
was just a basement ghost.

- My bad.
- Seriously?

What? It's dark down there,

and we're all wearing the same thing.

And if I'm being
totally honest with you,

I'm not sure I knew what the
correct numbers were to begin with.

- Great.
- I don't understand. If Ralph went up,

then what happened to Flower?

What if Flower wasn't sucked off

and instead is lost
somewhere on the property,

alone and abandoned?

No. Flower's definitely in great beyond.

How can you be so sure?

Thor take many walks
at edge of property.

Flower speak to Thor from great
beyond. Was very meaningful.

She say, "I am... well!

I am... well!"

- Mean she at peace.
- ISAAC: Thor, is it possible

she was saying "I am in a well"?

- [GROANS]
- BOTH: Oh, my God!

[OVERLAPPING CLAMORING]

Flower?!

Are you there?!

Thor!

- Oh, my God!
- [CHEERING]

How did you end up down there?

I was chasing a butterfly
and I fell in by accident.

But the butterfly didn't
fall in 'cause he was flying.

We know how butterflies work, hon!

We thought you got sucked off.

Thor thought he would
never see Flower again.

Did you hear me yelling
that I was in a well?

- Yes!
- Is that how you found me?

Yes!

What? Is true.

Well, color me relieved.

Now let's get our girl out of there.

Oh, my dear sweet Pete.
If only it were so easy.

What are you talking about?

The most hopeless thing in
the world is a ghost in a hole.

What are you guys
talking about up there?

Nothing. Have you out in a jiff.

[GIGGLES]

She will not be out in a jiff.

Holes are... bad.

Your carriage is almost ready, ma'am.

Reginald, have we heard from
the lawyer? Has he telephoned?

No. No one has called.

Ever, I believe.

But to be fair,

there are only seven
other phones in the state.

Well, then I must depart, forthwith.

Must you really leave, ma'am?

Yes. I shall pick up my
son from boarding school,

clear out the bank accounts,

and abscond before the
law can catch up with me.

And what about my job?

Right, your job. It is safe.

Until the carriage is
loaded. And then you're fired.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Very good, ma'am.

It's the police.

- What?
- MARION: Ma'am. They're outside,

- they're asking for you.
- No.

- No! Reginald...
- [PERSISTENT KNOCKING]

... barricade me in the library

- and take whatever b*ll*ts you must.
- Yes, ma'am.

♪

[PANTS]

Have you tried climbing out?

FLOWER: I've tried that
constantly for the last few months.

My hands just go through
the side of the well.

And therein lies the rub.

As you know, for reasons
we don't fully understand,

ghosts can stand on a floor,

but we go right through a wall.

And the side of the
well is effectively wall,

and, as such, impossible to scale.

That is why hole something
you not want to battle.

But we have Sam and Jay.
Maybe they can do something.

Yeah, they could build
some stairs or dig a ramp.

Or-or-or cut out a piece of floor,

and lower it down.

But if you remove floor from
floor, does it stay floor?

Or does it take on
the properties of wall?

We don't have to figure
this out right now.

Let's just call Sam and Jay.

Flower, sit tight.

We're gonna try to contact Sam and Jay.

But I thought you were Jay.

Nope. I-I-I'm Pete.

- Nice to meet you, Pete!
- Pleasure's all mine.

Okay, they put the iPad in that drawer.

This is my greatest challenge yet.

I've pushed many times,
but I've never pulled.

Unless you're talking about pulling tens

'cause I've pulled my
share of those. T-money!

Just open the drawer, Trev.

[GRUNTS]

This may take a while.

[SIGHS] I'll be out there.

So how do you guys know
so much about holes?

Because we were once stuck in a hole.

- Although...
- It was over a hundred years ago.

I was telling the story. I'm
literally the storyteller.

Well, jump in, we'll tag-team it.

- The year was 18...
- The year was 1895.

Oh, my God.

And it was an unusually
temperate spring,

when I stumbled and fell into a pit.

In an attempt to rescue me,

Sasappis and Thorfinn fell in, too.

Hetty, where were you at for all this?

I had just returned from Michigan

to discover that Elias had
left me for some trollop.

As it turns out, of course,

he was shoved into the
vault and left to die.

So that story had a happy ending.

So that's why none of you knew
about Elias's secret vault.

You were away while he was building it,

- and you guys were stuck in a hole.
- Mm-hmm.

And by the time we got out of the hole,

Hetty was a ghost.

Accidental overdose celebrating
Elias's disappearance.

I used to always say,

"You can never have too much morphine,"

but apparently, that is not correct.

Okay, so keep going. Y'all
were trapped in a hole?

Nearly a year went by.

We cried, we prayed,

we cursed the gods that made
floor floor and wall wall...

ISAAC: So we decided
we had but one choice...

join hands and navigate our way

through the dirt to
the Woodstone basement

and freedom itself.

Weren't you afraid you
would get lost in the dirt?

That was a risk we had to take.

So we agreed that Sass
would lead the way,

then Thor, then myself.

- And... ?
- And that is everyone in the hole

that you need to know about.

- Isaac.
- Okay, fine.

There was another ghost
in the hole with us.

Her name was Patience.
She was a Puritan.

What-what happened to her?

Yeah, Isaac, what happened to Patience?

Well, we headed off into the
dirt abyss, holding hands.

The disorientation immediate,

the dirt infinite,

- and one false move and...
- Isaac sneezed and let go

- of Patience's hand.
- [GASPS]

I was covering my nose. It
was the polite thing to do.

SASAPPIS: Patience got
separated from the group,

and, uh, for all we know,
she's still out there, roaming.

So, you're telling me
there's a Puritan woman

just out there wandering
around in the dirt?

Yes.

Mm-mm. I don't like that one bit.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- [THORFINN SHOUTS]

Mark bring large landship to well.

He is planning to fill
hole with liquid stone.

Uh... Liquid stone.
I-I think I got this.

So, Mark is planning on
filling the well up with cement?

Is exactly what Thor just say!

But what happens to Flower

if she gets a ton of
cement dumped on her?

Well, it can't be good.

Trevor! Hurry up with that iPad!

[GRUNTING]

THORFINN: Trevor!

Mark has landship
filled with liquid stone!

- What?
- PETE: As Thor clearly just said,

Mark is readying to fill
the well with cement.

So we need to get in
contact with Samantha now,

so she can stop him.
How's it coming, Trevor?

I can't get the drawer
open. It's impossible.

SASAPPIS: Man, Mark is crushing

that mortadella, and I'm so jealous.

His telephone is face up on the counter!

Trevor, you can text Samantha.

TREVOR: I don't know that I'll have
enough time to send a whole text.

He's housing that meat pretty good.

This isn't gonna last long.

Do FaceTime, is just one button.

Okay, you know FaceTime?

SASAPPIS: Yeah, you eat that, Mark.

Oh, you eat it real good.

[PHONE RINGS]

Mark is FaceTiming me?

- Aw, this is gonna be expensive.
- Hi, Mark.

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]

Quiet. Quiet. One voice. One voice.

Samantha, you must call Mark

and tell him not to cement the well.

Flower's in there. We have found Flower.

Also, great-looking hotel
room at that price point.

Hello?

Mark?

No one's there.

- He must've butt-dialed us.
- Huh.

Cheese and crackers, do
we not show up on FaceTime?

JAY: Wait a minute, is that
the kitchen ceiling? Mark,

you better not be eating my mortadella.

Hey. You guys call me?

No, uh, you called us, Mark.

I don't think so.

Ah, this so frustrating!

Samantha, maybe try new iOS update.

Are you messing with us?

I don't even know what's real anymore.

How is everything going at the house?

Good. I'm about to start
filling in the well.

Oh, are-are we moving forward with that?

Yeah, we talked about it, babe.

An old abandoned well?
It's kind of a hazard.

Yeah, but it's gonna
be pretty expensive.

So, what do you want to do?

Will Jay's famous
cheapness be our salvation?

You pull the plug and save our girl,

you miserly bastard, come on.

Eh... go ahead with it.

Yeah, I think that's a smart move.

[ALL GROANING]

PETE: Flower, we are
running out of time.

You're gonna have to
go through the dirt.

Oh, that's cool. It'll
be like Woodstock.

There was a lot of mud.

Also hot dogs.

Nobody ever talks about the hot dogs.

Will there be hot dogs?

She will never make it through the dirt.

This well is much further from the house

than the hole we were stuck in,

and... to put it
bluntly... she's Flower.

We don't have any other choice.

Okay, I've mapped out the route

from here to the Woodstone basement.

You're gonna need to head due south.

- This way.
- SASAPPIS: If you run into a Puritan,

she may be feral at this
point. Do not engage.

Okay, I got it.

And whatever happens, I love you all.

She say she love Thor.

I mean, that was sort of a group thing.

Maybe let the big guy have this one.

I didn't like that! It's scary!

Okay, fire it up!

GHOSTS [OVERLAPPING]: No! No!

Oh, I can't watch this.

Our girl is about to be cemented
alive, and if anyone points out

that we're not alive, I will punch them.

This is terrible!

Where's the concrete? Let's go.

- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- Let's go!

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- POLICEMAN: Let's go,

- Mrs. Woodstone! Open up!
- [PHONE RINGING]

This is the police!

[KNOCKING, PHONE RINGING]

What is that blasted ringing?

POLICEMAN: Get out of the way, sir!

Oh, it's the telephone.

MARION: You are trespassing
on private property.

Telephone? George, is that you?

Did you speak to the governor?

POLICEMAN: Do not
interfere with the law.

- Oh.
- MARION: You have no right to be here.

I-I think you have the wrong number.

Who are you looking for?

No, I-I believe they're two.

- You've reached four.
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]

POLICEMAN: There's no escape, lady.

Damn it!

This is the end of the line!

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

♪

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Flower!

I'm coming down there.

I will guide you through the dirt!

- Whoa. Whoa...
- No, no, no, Thor, it's too risky.

Thor rather spend eternity lost in dirt

than another day without his love.

- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
- Stop!

I know how to save Flower.

♪

Are you all going to
stand there and gawk,

or are we gonna save our friend?

You grab onto this, you dirty bohemian!

[PANTING]

FLOWER: I got it!

[GRUNTING]

- All right, Flower.
- ALBERTA: Come on, Flower!

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]

FLOWER: It's so good to see you guys.

- Hetty, I...
- I don't want to talk about it.

[LAUGHTER]

Let's get you home.

- Ooh, a butterfly.
- ALL: No, no, no, no, no!

[THORFINN LAUGHS]

ALBERTA: Trevor,
did you know about Hetty?

I didn't.

But you guys were hooking up for months.

I don't know, man.
These Victorian dresses,

there's a lot going on under there.

Clasps, corsets, some
kind of scaffolding.

Did I come across a cord at some point?

Maybe, but it didn't register
as anything out of place.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- JAY: Ghosts, we're home!

Oh, hey, Sam.

Flower?

Oh, my God!

[LAUGHS FORCEFULLY] Very funny.

No, really. Flower's back, Jay.

Oh, that's fun, there's two Jays.

I'm the other Jay.

Wait, I'm confused. I
thought she was sucked off.

Turn out it was just basement ghost.

Flower fell in well.

Flower was stuck in the well?

- The one Mark was filling in?
- We got her out right before.

But... how?

It has to do with Hetty.
We'll catch you up.

Wow, sounds like we really
missed out on quite a lot.

Also, there's a feral Puritan
lady ghost roaming the dirt.

And, uh, Mark ate all
of Jay's mortadella.

What? Wh-what's happening?
What are they saying?

You're not gonna like any of it.

SAMANTHA: Hey. Hetty.

- How you doing?
- Good God, it's a pity party.

I'm sorry I wasn't here this weekend.

I did get you a refrigerator magnet.

It was originally for everyone,
but, anyway, it's on the fridge.

ISAAC: I know you said you
didn't wish to talk about it,

but you've been there
for me in the past,

and we just wanted to let you know

that we are here for you,

whenever you're ready.

So, we'll give you some space.

I was trying to protect my son.

Elias had disappeared,

and I was being held
responsible for his crimes.

I mean, I did do some of the crimes,

but it was mostly him.

He was worse.

I was there, I can confirm.

Anyway, the law was closing in on me,

and I had nowhere to turn.

I felt like I didn't have any friends.

And-and if I had been convicted,

the authorities would've
seized everything.

My fortune and this home.

But with me gone,

my son's future would be secure.

Or so I thought.

- What do you mean?
- I thought I was giving him

the one thing that he needed
for a successful life: wealth.

But then he grew up to be a m*rder*r.

And I now know that

I didn't give him the one
thing that he truly needed,

the one thing that none of
that money could ever buy:

a mother's love.

It's not necessarily your fault.

A lot of kids grow up without mothers,

and they don't k*ll anyone.

I'm just saying, it's possible

he would've become a
m*rder*r either way.

That's very nice of you to say.

But, no, I made a grievous misjudgment.

SAMANTHA: Well, it must've
been so hard for you.

You probably felt very alone.

Well, I-I spent most of my life

projecting a certain image of myself.

But the truth is,

I was very unhappy.

I did not know how to ask for help.

I didn't even that that
telephone dialed out.

At the time, I-I saw no other way out,

but it was a mistake
that I deeply regret.

I still had so much life yet to live.

You were in a hole.

And sometimes you need
help getting out of those.

Thank you both.

And thanks for the refrigerator magnet.

- Oh. It's a windmill.
- [CHUCKLES] Neat.

FLOWER: Hey, Hetty.

I just wanted to say thank you.

What you did for me,

revealing your secret to save me,

I know that wasn't easy.

You're welcome, Flower.

You're a good friend.

And because you did that,

I'm gonna tell you something now.

Something I've never told anyone.

Okay.

I robbed a bank once.

- There it is.
- Mm-hmm.

It's good to have you back, Flower.

So, just to be totally sure,

did you turn into an owl at all?

I don't think so.

[CHUCKLES]: Yeah, no. Thor pretty
sure you didn't but had to check.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, of course.

Thor very happy to have his Flower back.

- Aw! I really missed you.
- Mm.

[CRACKLING]

Sam, what's happening?

I think you know.

Oh...

Good for them.

[LIGHT BULB POPS]