09x03 - Bourbon Buffoonery

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "Below Deck"...

How you doing, pal?

- Good, Cap.
- Good to be here.

My Captain Lee is
----ing back.

Mwah.

This ----ing sucks.

I just need to train them
to do a little better.

We have to step up our game.

Loving service, but doing
both is gonna be difficult,

because I can't pick up
the slack if there is any.

Get your sh--
together, Heather.

Nobody wants me to
get sour, trust me.

You need anything?

Okay.

I have.

I'm really shocked about
Eddie's behavior behind my back.

It was actually very hurtful.

You are going to be a
working first officer.

You are directly under me.

With great power comes
great responsibility indeed.

Cheers, guys, to
a happy season ahead.

Oh!

But did you guys see
Rayna kinda, like...

I think they're gonna
hook up, straight up.

Yeah, I think so.

I have never seen
a crew romance work out.

[alarm blares]

New day, hella sh-- to do.

No butties, no.

Oh, God, I hope I got this
before the captain saw it.

I need Advil.

No, I can't wear that,
that's disgusting.

Hey, good morning.

Morning.

How's it going?

- How's it going?
- Good, how are you?

Good, good.

I kissed Jake.

I mean, whatever, who cares?

Morning, everyone feeling
all right today?

Yeah.

Yeah? Good.

It was so hot.

Like, the pulse of my coochie's,
like [b*ating noises].

So, it wants to.

Morning, see you guys
on deck in five minutes.

See you, see you.

Did you have fun
last night, darling?

I did, I had a blast.

I drank too much, but...

We might wanna see how
Rayna's feeling today.

Yeah, Rayna and Jake,
it's a thing.

So today, you can kind
of run the wash-down.

Cool.

You know, let people
know where they need to be,

see how that goes for you.

Yeah.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

So, I'm gonna start
you on crew mess.

Okay.

And then Fraser,
I'm gonna have you

just get straight
on to master.

After this last charter,
I'm irritated with my team.

So, really need
to be more hands-on,

because we have to do better.

Better.

Let's do better.

Cool.

Did you guys just
listen to our sh--

when it comes to
entertainment stuff?

I ----ing hate
American music.

Yeah, [bleep] American music.

I know.

Go to a concert to see some guy
standing behind a desk, going...

[laughing]

[imitating electronic music]

[speaks foreign language]

Oh, my Lord.

Stop, and then... yeah.

Heather, Eddie, and Rachel, can
I see you guys in the crew mess?

Copy for Rachel.

-Copy.
- Copy.

[yawns]

There he is.
Hey, sports fans.

What's up?

Thank you very much, sir.

Okay, primary charter
guest is Michael Durham.

Michael is a Seattle-based
real estate broker

with an appreciation
for fine whiskey.

Joining Michael are his
other broker friends,

Justin and Terri, who work
together at the same firm;

Colin, Sean, and
his fiancé, Curtis.

That is your classic
real estate broker pose.

Can't you just picture that
on a billboard somewhere?

I can actually see me sitting
on his face at a bus stop.

[laughing]

Okay.

Which you know what
I'm talking about, right?

On the bench.

Okay, so big bourbon drinkers.

- Coffee...
- Coffee with bourbon.

They would like to invite
me to a whiskey-paired,

multi-course dinner.

The guests are requesting
a white party on night one,

and they wanna do a
Hawaiian luau on day number two.

Love!

The good news is we have
a late pickup, so...

Ooh.

We don't need to worry
about lunch

Okay, cool.

They also want golf balls off
the back of the boat.

Cool, sounds good.

- Thank you.
- Later, kids.

- Later.
- Bye, Captain, thank you.

♪ Do, do, do, do

Oi...

I was trying to slow up,
and then those

----ing blue sh*ts
came in.

Yeah, I had two of them.

- I had two of them, too.
- Ugh!

How's your team doing
the day after the night out?

Get a little lit up last night?

- I loved it.
- They're cool, man.

- Yeah.
- They're good.

They're all working hard.

With Eddie, I am playing
nice at this point.

Saying the things that
he did about me,

it felt like betrayal,

because to my face,
he was my friend.

Someone's gotta have a talk
with her when she's sober again.

Be like, you're a ----ing
monster when you drink.

Rachel is obnoxious.

Just keep her the [bleep]
away from me right now.

I hold maybe just a
tad bit of bitterness,

but I really need
to get rid of that,

because that's not my flavor.

Can't wait till they're
not my team anymore.

Aw!

I can just sulk away
into the shadows

- of the first officer's cabin.
- Right.

Hey, cutie.

I'm so tired.

- It's terrible.
- How are you?

Good, how are you?

Well, okay, so I was
a bit tipsy last night.

I love you.

To put it lightly.

- What?
- Did I do anything silly?

- No, you didn't.
- Did we all go to bed together?

- You went to bed, and then...
- Oh!

We went to bed, like,
maybe 10 minutes after you.

Did you have a smooch?

- Did I?
- Yeah, a little kissy?

Ugh.

Did you?
Did you?

Well, it's good.
He's amazing.

I know, but I don't
want to, like...

I really like someone,
and he lives in Canada.

Issa's someone that I hooked up
with a couple months ago

in Mexico in the club.

And then no one can
really stop drunk Rayna,

so next thing I know,
I left with Issa.

We've just been talking,
nothing, you know, too serious.

He's the one I'm
still trying to figure out.

But you know,
he loves him some Rayna.

And so you don't
wanna mess with...

I don't care if I kissed Jake,

because I'm still
single or whatever.

Of course, right.

But I don't wanna [bleep] him.

- You don't have to.
- I know, I know.

So you just... you wanted,
like, a friendly flirt.

Yeah, yeah.

I would friendly flirt with
Jake until the cows come home.

He's so cute.
Like, I'm so into that.

I ----ing love you.

[humming]

How the [bleep] is
this just popping off?

[phone rings]

Hi, Nick speaking.

Hi, Nick, it's
Rachel from My Seanna.

-Hey.
- I'm calling about a pig

for a beach luau,

and then also do you
have a spit available?

- Thank you, Nick. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

I want a Modelo Pacifico.

Woo, dinner.

- Heather?
- Yes, darling?

- I've finished the cabins.
- Nice.

And then am I
okay to clock off?

- Please.
- Perfect.

Hey, Jake, what else
needs to get done?

Well, we're just doing
the polishing for now.

Okay.

Yeah, everything's
pretty good to be honest.

Good, that's awesome, thank you.

Go take a shower.

Yeah, we can smell
you from here.

Eddie, Eddie, Rachel.

Can I talk to you
in the main salon?

Hey, babe!

Oh sh--.

So, what's up?

Um...

I kinda wanna have
a little chat.

Last season, there were
some really alarming things

that were said on
your behalf about me.

It was, like,
viciously attacking.

Hm.

Going straight for, like,
my integrity and character,

and it was really uncalled for.

Coming up...

All I expect out of you
is to do your jobs.

I do have two rules:

Do not embarrass yourself,
do not embarrass the boat.

I will bury your ass.

There were some really
alarming things

that were said on
your behalf about me.

It was, like,
viciously attacking

that kind of threw me
for a loop,

and it was really,
really hurtful,

and it stayed with me

for the whole duration
before this season.

I'm really sorry for
saying anything

that might have
hurt your feelings.

I did not get along with
the Rachel of last season,

and I never came and
talked to you directly

about my issues with you,
and I'm sorry that I didn't.

Yeah.

Last time Rachel and
I worked together,

we started out with, like,
a really good relationship,

but then she started drinking.

She's just a different person.

I want some ----ing
dirty-ass sh--.

Walking away from
this situation.

I ----ing hate this.

It makes my skin crawl.

Titties!

But I should have talked
to Rachel personally.

So, the only thing I can do
is just be better from here.

Just to make sure that,
like, it doesn't happen again,

that's all,
because it's super hurtful.

I get that,
that must have been hard.

Thank you for giving
me another chance

to be your friend this season.

- Okay, thank you.
- Seriously.

Moving forward through
this sh--uation,

I think Eddie and I can play
in the same sandbox this season

without stabbing
each other with spades.

Yay.

I won't have to flip
a table or eat someone's larynx.

All right, well,
let's go [bleep] this charter

in the face.

- I'm gonna hug it out.
- Hug it out!

- You're awesome.
- All right.

Get some sleep,
I'll see you in the morning.

See you in the morning, buddy.

This looks great.

And I'm gonna be up earlier,
so it'll be fine.

[phone rings]

Hi, good evening.

This is Ed Lucas on My Seanna.

Listen, I got some
provisions that we need

for this charter coming up.

Golf clubs and
biodegradable golf balls.

We'd also need Astroturf
for the tee.

I really appreciate that,
thank you.

Hello.

I had to make my one
phone call from prison.

You look tired.

Yeah, I'm ----ing exhausted.

Shut up!

Stop making fun of my pajamas.

Why are you in the garage?

Oh, my God.

My mom and I are close.

She had me at a very young age,


Stop talking, stop talking,
stop talking.

When I decided I was going to
school to be a cosmetologist,

she went back to school
to be a mortician.

She wants me to do hair
and makeup on her bodies.

I said no.

[laughing]

I don't know why
I ever call you.

Because you love me.

Love you, goodbye.

Oof!

I'm so tired.

Note to self...
don't start projects.

- How you doing, Wes?
- Hey, Captain.

That slip over there is gonna
be our new home.

Ooh!

Oh, man, that'll make things
a heck of a lot easier.

Yes, it will.

Look at all the room
we got to maneuver over there.

I know, right?

We've got about


Nice.

Because we only draw
eight and a half.

What?

My boat's 7.5.

I can't go really
that many places.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

Good, how are you, love?

Did you wanna get
started on ironing

all of Captain Lee's clothes?

Try to get them done
in the next hour and a half.

Okay.

- Are we uncovering?
- Why not?

It is hot in here.

All crew, we have
provisions on the dock.

Copy.

More!

----ing hell.

Ah!
That shocked my whole arm!

- You all right?
- Yeah.

As my grandma says,
"Good enough."

Attention all crew,

I'm gonna need everybody
in the sky lounge.

Copy.

Uh-oh.

It is assigned seating.

It's like you pick your seat
the first day in school,

- and if somebody else...
- Takes it?

Oh, enemy for life.

How's everybody doing?

- Good, Cap.
- Good.

We didn't get to have our formal
meeting that we normally have,

so I thought
I would take this opportunity,

because we have a late pickup.

All I expect out of you
is to do your jobs.

Radios is my pet peeve.

If you are looking
for your radio,

odds are I already have it.

I will bury your ass.

I do have two rules:

Do not embarrass yourself,
do not embarrass the boat.

I have no problem
with letting somebody go

in the middle of a charter.

I've got a pocketful
of plane tickets

that I hope I don't have to use,

but if I do,
it'll be quick and severe.

Captain Lee reminds me
of my dad.

It's like a chocolate chip
cookie that's been sitting out.

Like, hard on the exterior,
but very soft and mushy inside.

I mean, well,
that's how my dad is,

but I'm hoping that's
how Captain Lee is, too.

Work hard or get fired...
that's it.

- Have a good season.
- Thank you, Captain.

Let's kick this charter's booty.

Those dresses don't
need to be steamed.

- We have so much to do up there.
- I know, I know.

- This is dinner stuff.
- I get it.

- You done scuppers?
- Yeah, man.

- Sick.
- And everything nice and shiny.

This could be the year, Eddie.
I like what I'm seeing so far.

- Jake?
- Yeah.

He hustles.

What's his background?

Worked on two 50-meter yachts,

and he got up to lead
deckhand in one of them.

That speaks well for him.

I know that Eddie
would like to promote Jake,

but I have seen that backfire,

where you give
somebody too much responsibility

and they crash and burn.

Watch the bow, please.
g*dd*mn it!

I need the spring line done!

Watch your bow,
watch your bow, watch your bow!

g*dd*mn it!

And it's your fault, because
you set them up to fail.

I don't want that to happen.

Since I'm first officer,

I would like to get off deck
as soon as possible.

After I do a
little more observing,

we'll maybe make a call
on a lead deckhand.

Cool.

Fraser, can you meet me
in the master?

Copy that.

I'll just walk you through what
I want for final touches.

- Yeah.
- You need a towel in here.

Yeah.

One more hand towel
on this side as well.

I feel absolutely terrified
going into this second charter.

These orchids, like,
need more love.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm a little scarred
from the trip we just had.

It just never stopped.

Hi, how's it going?

Oh, my gosh.

We don't have our game together.

Wipe this one, and this.

That... yeah.

Shall we have a quick liaison
in the sky lounge?

Yeah, let's do it.

Jess, do you wanna come
up to the sky lounge?

I've climbed the ladder
for the last five years,

and I've done every sh--
job you could ever think of,

and I busted my ass, and
that's exactly what I expect

from my team.

There is no room for errors.

I want you both to
know where I come from

in a bigger picture sense.

I'm gonna need to pull you
to make the guests happy.

I need you both to
be a little fluid.

With that being said,
I feel that we need to pick up

the pace in laundry and
making some cocktails.

Fifteen-minute martinis,

we should really try to
come up with a quicker way

and a quicker recipe.

It's not that I'm saying
we need to drop

the standard down in any way.

It's just I want us to be able
to keep the ball rolling.

All I got from this meeting
is that we're going to be

running it the same way
we just ran it for the last,

which was a load of sh--.

We'll keep you on mornings,
we'll keep you on lates.

I have never worked with
a chief stew...

And so, I'm feeling insecure
with her as my leader.

I feel that if you don't
keep progressing every day,

you might as well die.

I mean, let's kick some ass.

Heather reminds me of
my grandmother...

She always has to have
a hand in something.

We just have to do
everything the way

that Heather wants it done.

[snorts]

Let's get it!

Attention all crew, I need
everybody in their whites.

- Copy that.
- Copy, Captain.

- Try to get those streaks off...
- Yeah.

And see if it's, like...

- I'll get that glass stuff...
- Yeah.

We have 15 minutes
till guest arrival.

Always down to
the wire, isn't it?

Let's go get 'em.

[champagne pops]

Jesus.

[laughing]

This is so awesome,
I love it!

Oh, here they come.

All crew, they are
walking down the dock.

Oh sh--.

God, this is gonna
be ----ing great.

- Dude, look at that boat.
- Oh, my God.

I dunno about you,
I'm ready for a cock... oh!

I'm throwing somebody
in the ----ing water.

So it's gonna be...

This crew has no idea
what's in store for them.

Coming up...

Justin?

What the [bleep]
is going on, right?

They're drunker'n
a four-peckered goat.

What's going on, man?

This sh-- upstairs
can kiss my ass.

They're drunker than a
herd of four-peckered goats.

You're being a ----ing jackass.

- Thank you.
- Go [bleep] yourself.

I dunno about you,
I'm ready for a cock... oh!

I'm throwing somebody
in the ----ing water.

This crew has no idea
what's in store for them.

- Hello, everybody!
- How we doing?

- Hello!
- Captain Lee.

Yes, sir, good to see you.

Hi, Heather, pleasure
to meet you.

- Hello, Heather.
- Can I offer you a cold towel?

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Heather.

You can take a towel.

- Cheers.
- Yeah.

Welcome to St. Kitts.

I'm gonna have Heather
give you a tour of the boat,

and we're gonna get
the hell outta Dodge

and go have some fun.

Let's get the hell out of here!

That sounds like a good plan.

- Thank you.
- Let's take a tour of the boat.

Go to work.

We can get into our blue polos.

Let's come on up this way.

This is what we call
our bridge deck aft.

You'll find me passed out
there about every damn day.

Well, just tell me if we
should wake you or not.

Nah.

- Yeah.
- Maybe.

And this is what
we call the sundeck.

My hot tub at home
is set up the same way,

just bar and everything.

Minus the yacht.

Minus the hot tub and the bar.

Here you go, guys.

I'm gonna kick you down
the g*dd*mn stairs.

- Is that all of it?
- Yep.

Come down this way.

I will do whatever
the [bleep] I want.

The master stateroom.

- Wow!
- This is nice.

Are you gonna sit like
Richard Nixon at that desk?

Tr*mp, Donald Tr*mp.

You have two bathrooms?

One for when I sh--
and one for when I don't.

- Okay, those rails off.
- Copy.

Nice.

Will this work for the queen?

That'll work.

With your 38,000 shirts?

- Let's make a train?
- Yeah, no.

Makin' trains.

So, how are you guys feeling?

Are you feeling like
a little nibble?

Bites would be lovely,
because we just finished

an entire bottle of Tito's
while we were waiting.

In my experience in yachting,

having guests come on the
boat drunk is a great sign,

because that just means
they're gonna get

their hangover
in about three hours,

so they're probably gonna
skip dinner, hopefully.

Chahoo!

We're just gonna set up some
nibbles on the bridge deck aft.

I'd love it if you can find out
what time they want dinner.

Yeah, of course.

Passerelle secured,
we're all set.

All right,
let's get outta here.

You're starting with the
first line up there on the bow.

- Copy.
- Here we go.

Hey, let's go up front,
you wanna go?

Let's watch them get outta here.

Hold on, I need more
bourbon, though.

All right, you got
that first line?

- Yes.
- Yeah, pull, pull, pull.

- Okay, I'll take that.
- Loosen it.

And we're off.

- This...
- This is ----ing cool.

-...is amazing.
- Does not suck.

All right,
let's tidy these lines up.

No, we don't need to do fenders
until we get out of the channel.

Yeah, let's take a picture
of all three of you.

It's just shadows.

- Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
- Port side is clear.

Good job, everybody.

Interior, interior, galley.

Is there any way I can run
the platters up?

Copy that, Rachel.

And I've got some fresh
hummous coming up.

Okay, so is this
going up to the bar?

I'm a'comin'.

How are you doing?

Lovely, these peppers
are really good.

Really good.

Oh, just sit back and wait...

Chef Rachel's about to take
you for a wild ride.

Don't you even [bleep]
with me today.

Would you like to chat
about a dinner time?

Seven-thirtyish?

Okay, tonight is the white
party and whiskey pairing.

Chef Rachel wants to
plan around it,

so we just wanted to touch base
with you which ones you liked,

which you didn't.

So, we've got the
Woodford Reserve,

the Bullitt bourbon, Knob Creek,
Chivas Regal, and Maker's Mark.

Okay, if we have
to choose three...

The first three....
those are the actual bourbons.

Oh, Woodford, Bullitt, and Knob?

- Yes.
- Beautiful.

- That'll be fine.
- It's gonna be great.

Can I have this in
a thermal cup?

In a little coffee cup?

Well, I swear to God,
it'll make your life easier.

Nothing says classy
like whiskey out of a thermos

on a mega yacht.

Lid or no lid, good sir?

I'll take lid, thank you.

Pleasure's all mine.

-'Sup, sugarpuss?
- Wassup, wassup?

How's your department work?

How does my department work?

Yeah.

I am third,
so I do the grunt work.

Fraser's usually on service,

Good point.

Ready on the anchor.

On my mark, drop.

Two and a half sh*ts out.

Copy that, check the stay.

Short stay, 12:00.

- Oh, yeah, you got it.
- Let's lock it in.

All right,
securing her in.

Ugh, ugh, ugh,
get it, get it, girl

Drop it, drop it, drop it

All the way down,
all the way down

Ah, ah, ah, scrub that floor,
scrub that floor

- Two hours till dinner.
- Yeah, no worries.

- I'm gonna pull.
- I wanna do a Tom Yum.

Yum.

We'll do a pad Thai,
but it will be

with lobster instead,
good to go.

This one time
I was in Bangkok, right,

I'm drinking sh*ts of
Thai whiskey

and all of a sudden
I come across this really

dodgy guy on Khaosan Road
selling pad Thai with,

like, the random street meat
that was incredibly greasy.

Nothing says good times
like the next morning

when you have fire snakes.

Hello.

How's it going?

Good, how are you?

I'm doing good, I just
wanted to check in,

see if you're gonna join
them for dinner this evening.

Okay. I can.

I will not be participating
in the bourbon tasting, though.

Of course.

You want apple juice in
your bourbon sh**t?

Apple juice would be fine, give
it a little color with a lime.

I would say we're gonna
be two people down soon.

Really?

If you wouldn't mind putting
more bourbon in that?

Yeah, of course I can.

They're enjoying their first
day, to say the least.

They weren't lying
when they said

they had mouths like
sailors, were they?

Nice!

That's not really enough
balls, I would say.

I mean, they're not gonna be
hitting balls all ----ing night.

Really, they're just gonna
wanna hit drivers anyway.

[squealing]

Oh, it's hard to contain,
it's alive.

Where would you like it?

- The corner over there.
- All right.

Thank you.

- Oh, I missed it!
- Are you guys golfing?

Can we join you?

[bleep] yeah, we can.

- You gonna have a swing at this?
- Yeah.

- Do you see that white boat?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna hit it.

You're not supposed to hit
the ----ing boat.

Too late.

Come on, get after it.

Nice... nope.
Not that nice.

Better than yours.

- That was garbage.
- You didn't hit the deck.

Watch this sh--.

Oh [bleep].

Jesus Christ, Durham,
you haven't played with that

much carpet since you
were married last time.

Ah!

Hope you can sell houses better
than you can hit a golf ball.

[bleep] off.

All right, deck crew,
get into blacks.

What's happening?

Nothing.

I'm really proud of my team.

How did you think they did?

You know, they'll be fine,

and I like the fact that
Jake pays attention.

Have you given any more
thought to Jake as lead?

We could certainly
use a lead deckhand.

I'm just concerned that
it might be too soon.

Does he step up to the plate?

Mm-hmm.

Or do his nerves
get the better of him,

and he comes apart
like a cheap suit?

Captain Lee hired me to this
position because he trusts me,

and so I would hope that
Captain Lee would also respect

my decision that Jake would
make a good lead deckhand,

because right now, I'm a
----ing three-stripe bosun,

and I'm ready to move
off the deck.

He's a goofy guy,
but you know,

I think he's got a really
good head on his shoulders,

and the other deckhands
look up to him.

If I have someone up there
that I can rely on

and that can get me
off deck a little bit

and get me in here to learn,
that'd be a win.

- It's a roll of the dice.
- Yeah.

I hope I don't regret this...
get him up here.

Jake, Jake, Eddie, can you
come to the wheelhouse, please?

Yeah, copy.

But if I do regret it,
so will you.

Okay.

Coming up...

Get your ass up and get the
[bleep] down these stairs.

Oh, my God.

Hurry up.

Pitter-patter, mother----er.

Somebody can go [bleep]
right off,

as far as
I'm ----ing concerned.

He's a goofy guy, but you know,

I think he's got a really
good head on his shoulders.

Well, I hope
I don't regret this.

Jake, Jake, Eddie.
Come to the wheelhouse, please.

Yeah, copy.

But if I do regret it,
so will you.

Okay.

- How you doing, bud?
- Yeah, all good, thank you.

Well, listen, Cap and
I were just sitting here

talking about you.

We wanna give you the
opportunity to be lead deckhand.

I'd love to take it, if
you guys think I'm up to it.

That's great.
You got a big day tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- You got the luau.

We really want you to take that
and get your deck team in order,

and make sure everything runs
as smoothly as possible.

Thank you.

You got this team under you
that doesn't have

the same experience you have,
but I think you can lead them,

and that's what both
of us wanna see.

I can do that for sure.

And do something
about that hair.

Try to keep it as nice
as your moustache.

Really happy that Captain Lee
finally saw the light

and that we got a lead deckhand.

I'm already gonna look
like a leather bag

by the time I'm 60,
so, thank you, Cap.

- Thank you.
- Do me well.

- Swear to God, you better.
- Thank you, Captain.

- Cheers.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- It's a roll of the dice.

- Yeah.
- Do you feel lucky?

No, never.

- Thank you so much.
- Pleasure.

Jess, do you wanna jump down
to Colin and Justin's cabin

and just give it
a spruce, please?

Is it ready for
a turndown, or no?

Hey, Richards, you
can go [bleep] yourself

whenever you want from me.

Would you get me
a bourbon, please?

Nope.

Did I hear someone
yell for a bourbon?

- Yes, please.
- Are you ready?

Yep!

What happened?

They gave me lead deckhand.

Yes! Ah!

[radio feedback]

Oh, the captain's gonna k*ll me.

Jake being the lead deckhand
is a great idea.

Cheers, thank you very much.

Yeah, man, absolutely.

Perfect for me, because what
is he gonna do, yell at me?

That's not possible,
he just kissed me.

See this guy?

Oh, yeah!

I think Jake is a pretty
solid bet as lead deckhand.

I mean, it's mostly
the moustache,

and that thing
commands respect.

So, I'm all for it.

I wonder how he gets
his moustache so dark?

I don't know, gotta ask him.

[laughing]

I hate these pillowcases.

So, where's Richard?

- There he is.
- Richard.

No, I was not.
I was on the--

We didn't know where you were.

I would not go in there.

How many pounds lighter
are you right now?

I would not go in there.

We'll talk about
that tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

Hey, are we supposed to put
white clothes on right now?

Well, I don't want to.

- Why do you not want to?
- We could.

Because I don't wanna
----ing change, actually.

Not one g*dd*mn bit.

I'm gonna go change.

Well, it's a white dinner
tonight.

I'm gonna go change into
some rainbow sh--.

- Yeah, he is.
- g*dd*mn it.

- Whose side am I on?
- The side of sanity?

- Where you going?
- I have to change.

Your room is down here, Terri.

This way? Okay.

So is Justin's, for that matter.

- Really?
- Yes.

Yeah.

Wes, may I be able to use you?

Yeah, what's up?

Add about that much mint here...

- Mm-hmm.
- Here,

and then it's gonna go
coriander, coriander, basil.

So, I'm not gonna...

I'm gonna tell you, I've never
done things in the kitchen.

I don't care.

What in the hell is that?

Espresso martini.

Jesus Christ, did you
wanna throw up

on the boat tonight, or what?

- Time for dinner.
- Is it time for dinner?

Let's go.

Two, four, six, eight.

Oh, this is just wonderful.

Still or sparkling?

I would like more
bourbon, please.

Beautiful.

What in the high name
of hell is this?

Captain Lee, the guests
are all seated

and we're ready when you are.

Copy that, thank you.

Can I have a little
more bourbon in my...

I would love to.

- Where's Captain?
- Just be patient.

I'm hungry.

You still have
three full drinks.

How about I be in
control of what I drink?

- Who's that?
- That was Jake.

Jesus.

Oh, God.

Has anybody ever told her
we can't take her anywhere?

Are you talking
about yourself again?

Because that's accurate, too.

You have a Thermos at a
formal dinner on a yacht.

Because I'm trying
to be efficient.

- Hey!
- Good evening.

- There he is!
- How's everybody tonight?

- Good, how are you?
- I'm doing good.

I'm gonna go into the soup.

And does the soup
have a pairing, or no?

Jess, can I get you to the
galley to help with service?

On my way.

Are you from Florida originally?

- No, Michigan.
- So is Terri!

I grew up in Ann Arbor.
I went to Ferris State.

That's a nice college.

Jesus, Terri,
you went to college?

I wouldn't know it
by your mouth.

I'm sorry, how many words
do you use a day?

Usually they start
with [bleep] and "you."

- These are ready to roll.
- I can carry this.

I'm coming.

This is amazing.

What the hell is that?

For our tasting, we've got
Tom Kha Gai with coconut milk,

infused with lemongrass.

This is accompanied with
a Woodford Reserve

due to the fact that there is
a sweet, oaky palate on it

with a hint of vanilla
that will coincide

with the spiciness of the dish,
thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

There it is.

- What'd you order?
- Apple juice with lime.

Fair enough.

I have no idea what I'm eating.

It's got a little kick
to it, it's not bad.

A little spicy.

This is soup?

Oh, and then you take
a drink of this.

I'm smelling it.

How the [bleep] do I eat this?

Mm.

[belching]

So, if you can put
this in there to here.

Okay.

You've dealt with a bunch
of assholes, haven't you?

On occasion.

We're just a bunch of
real estate buffoons.

Can I clear this glass?

Absolutely not.

Hold on a minute.

So good.

Notice how he's, like,
clutching his Thermos.

Listen, I have not had
to ask anybody

for a refill on my drink because
my ice is still original.

You are at the fanciest dinner
of your entire life,

and you have a Thermos...

This is not the fanciest
dinner of my entire life.

How do I get tequila down here?

- Jesus Christ.
- No.

We are in the middle
of a whiskey pairing.

If you ask for tequila,
I will k*ll you.

You can just go
[bleep] yourselves.

- Justin.
- Stop.

- Shut the [bleep] up.
- Stop.

Okay, well, there you go.

I'm throwing myself
off the boat.

I'm hungry.

You all finished with dinner?

No, actually,
I walked out of dinner.

Oh, God, they're
gonna be pissed.

Justin.

What the French [bleep]
is going on, right?

I ----ing hate that sh--.

I'm ready to go in, like,
two minutes; not even.

We're down a guy,
he left the table.

What's going on, man?

I can't ----ing stand sitting at
a formal ----ing dinner

with a ----ing kiss-asses
for no asses.

Oh, no.

That guy's being
a petulant drunk.

I'm sitting here just
trying to enjoy myself.

I think you're doing
a fantastic job.

I'm peanut butter
and jealous right now.

Go, I'll be there in a second.

Hello.

Where's Justin at?

Fancy ----ing dinner
can kiss my ass.

Oh, my goodness,
this looks amazing.

That girl down in
the galley is...

- oh, that... that...
- Rachel!

Yeah, that...

that's the one
I was talking about.

This beef is from
Buckhead, Georgia.

It's signature 1855 filet,

and so the bourbon will help
break down the fattiness.

- Please enjoy.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Captain Lee?
- Yes, sir.

Where the [bleep]
did she come from?

She was probably born,
like the rest of us.

They're drunker'n a
four-peckered goat.

I've never had anything
better in my mouth.

They're drunker than a herd
of four-peckered goats.

Morons.

You look like a hatful of
assholes, and you're perfect.

How are they doing?

They're doing amazing right now.

He said he's loving the steak.

Awesome.

Getting that anchor watch in.
Hell yeah, pure excitement.

Oh ----ing good God.

Thank you.

This is gonna be
delightful, isn't it?

This is a pad Thai sauce sautéed
down with lobster, poached.

- It's absolutely stunning.
- This looks wonderful.

Thanks, Rachel.

Son of a bitch.

Can I get you anything?

You know what,
here's what I want.

I would like my dinner here.

I can do that.

This guy's so litty-titty,

and that's why
I don't drink whiskey.

Never give me whiskey.

I'm like a g*dd*mn gremlin.

I once started
a fight with a Jeep.

It was parked, no one was in it,
kicked the tires.

It was like [bleep] you, Jeep!

I do handle my alcohol well,
just not whiskey.

Hey, Rachel,
Justin's on the swim platform,

and he would like his dinner.

Sure, you need to roll
up a napkin, a tray...

- Yeah.
- Okay, let me go grab a tray.

Okay, awesome.

- What does your wife do?
- Nothing.

She's paid her dues.

She has to put up with your ass.

Is she in did you say Florida?

- Ft. Lauderdale.
- Okay.

It's a horrible place
to live, isn't it?

I love Florida.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.

Justin wants to have his
dinner on the swim platform.

What?

Bon appetito.

Kiss my ----ing ass.

- Hey there.
- Hi.

I'm gonna set up a little
table for you.

God, I ----ing love you.

Ugh... well, let's do that.

-Fraser, Heather.
- Go ahead, Heather.

If I could send you
down to cabins.

Copy that, on my way.

We have warm ones in the master;
keep those cold.

Pardon?

I'm just saying there's...

don't put the cold one down,

because it's just gonna
leave a stain.

- I have warm Evian.
- Yeah.

[bleep] me.

Hardly.

Do you know what it is, babe?

What?

It's the tone of voice
that's used.

You don't like it?

No, I really don't.

I just try and ignore her.

Fraser's entitled
to his opinions,

and I can understand it.

I feel the same way sometimes.

But you just have to put
all your feelings

into a little balloon
and go whew...

you let it go.
Bye!

I'm just happy that
I'm not the only one

who finds her so difficult.

Yeah, no, it's not you.

- How's it going?
- Peachy keen.

Oh, my God.

It looks good,
that looks really organized.

Good, because it wasn't.

I don't wanna eat up there.
I hate that sh-- .

- I can't stand...
- I know.

- Oop.
- It's okay.

Hold on, how do we fix that?

I'll go grab you some more.

- Do we have his meal?
- Yeah.

Thank you very much.

I feel really fat right now.

- Thank you very much.
- You're very welcome, enjoy.

I don't know what I'm eating.

Where did you go to school?

- In Michigan.
- Really?

- Did you grow up in that area?
- Saginaw.

I worked in Saginaw,
everything, and Detroit.

So, where did you grow up?

Michigan.

It's so interesting, because
we grew up in the same place.

We did.

Super annoying.

Oh, my God, this is so good.

You all done?

Yeah?

It was delicious, by the way.

Good.

Well, if you will excuse me,
thank you for dinner.

Thank you very much
for joining us tonight.

Thank you for having me.

And we... well, you know, yeah,
it's our pleasure, really.

I'll take my ----ing bourbon in
a ----ing coffee cup, thank you.

- Good night.
- Get some rest.

You looked like you were
having your teeth pulled.

Like I had two root canals.

Oh, my God, that was a disaster.

No way.

- What happened?
- That was brutal.

I don't know how many times
she told me she's from Michigan.

And Justin, that boy
is just flat-out rude.

I'd rather be hanging out
with you ----ing people.

I don't give a sh--.

Dinner was very good, though.

- It was great.
- Thank you.

Okay.
I'm outta here, kids.

See you in the morning, Cap.

I'm gonna dream about Michigan.

[laughing]

Jess, Jess, Heather.

Go down for the night.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to head to bed.

See you shortly, my dear.

Good night, Beetlejuice.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I feel like
we're gonna be rock stars.

Durham, go to bed.

- Durham, Durham, go to bed.
-[hiccups]

What?

You should go to bed.

I'm doing it.
[hiccups]

Excuse me.

Good night, good sir.

Night-night.

Oh, my God.

You have a great evening.

Thank you.

[hiccups]

I want something to drink.

- Richards.
- What?

What the [bleep] are you
doing, you dumb...

Jesus Christ.

I swear to God, I will k*ll him.

He missed a lovely lobster...

No, I just ate my dinner
down here,

so go [bleep] yourself,
dickhead.

[laughing]

Go [bleep] yourself and
throw yourself off the...

No, you can [bleep] yourself,
right now.

assh*le.

Hey, Terri, no.

There she goes.

- Eddie?
- Yes?

What is going on down here?

He's just sitting out.

----ing d*ck.

Justin, what are you doing?

Sitting my ass on the
----ing back of the boat.

Are you ----ing kidding
me right now?

Justin, look at me,
in the... in my eyes...

go [bleep] yourself.

Okay.

No!

I'm gonna k*ll somebody.

I'm just comfortable as
----ing sh-- down here.

No, you're not comfortable,
you're being

a ----ing jackass right now.

- No... no, I am not.
- Are you kidding me?

No.

I'm just comfortable
as ----ing sh-- down here.

No, you're not comfortable,

you're being a ----ing
jackass right now.

No, no, I am not.

Justin, are you kidding me?

No.

I love guest drama, because
it's not my drama, finally!

I'm wonderful and comfortable.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

All right.

- How are you doing?
- Good.

Hey, girl.

Oop!

I wish I was there for that.

I don't like you right now.

I wish I could muster up a
give a [bleep] about that.

You did not show up to what
we are doing right now,

and that's bullsh--.

Can you unpack that for me?

We were all in a ----ing
dinner, and you were...

well, I don't know what
the [bleep] you were doing,

but you did not show up.

Unpack it further.

No, I don't have to
pack it unfurther.

I said "unpack," not
"pack it further."

Heather, Heather, Fraser.

You really wanna see this,
come upstairs.

We've got drama.

- We came on here...
- No.

...as a family, and you
were not there.

- Did we really?
- Go [bleep] off.

Like, of all the ----ing
people in the group,

I ----ing love you the most.

Are you ----ing kidding me?

I think that Terri and
Justin are secretly ----ing

and none of their friends know.

But she's the dominant here,

and he's finally
drunkenly getting angry

and being like, no, bitch,
go [bleep] off.

- Nope.
- Yep.

I run this show, all right?
It's me.

No more pegging, no more
screaming, I'm in charge here.

Drop it, Terri.

If you wanna get ----ing
pissed about it,

just watch how ----ing
confident...

Done. I'm done.

Just watch how g*dd*mn
confident I am

sitting here happy as
----ing [bleep].

Justin!

Shut up and listen to me
for a second.

No!

Come back to the stairs, you can
hear everything word for word.

I cannot believe you're
doing this right now.

Wait, is something
good happening?

I'm missing it.

You just, like
----ing [bleep] everything.

They're just really not chic.

They probably won
this trip

from some form of lottery
or something, I don't know.

I'm gonna do a favor, okay?

No, don't do me a favor.

I'm not asking you to
do a ----ing favor.

You ----ing know better
than that, okay?

I'm gonna walk you back to
your ----ing room,

and you're gonna shut
the [bleep] up.

They don't belong on a yacht.

What?

Get your ass up and get
the [bleep] down these stairs.

Oh, my God.

Hurry up, pitter-patter,
mother----er, let's go.

No ----ing [bleep].

You crouching tiger,
hidden stew?

Son of a bitch, this is a
whole ----ing circus.

Everybody can go [bleep]
right off

as far as I'm ----ing concerned.

I'm just nervous
something's gonna happen

that we can't control.

Can I get you anything?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Nope.

No sh--. What do you
want me to do?

No, nope, come here.

Stop it.
Stop it.

She needs to go away, now.

- Stop.
- Pardon?

She needs to go away.

What does "go" mean?

Can you elaborate a little more?

She needs to go in
her ----ing...

her room and
shut the [bleep] up.

Justin is just out of
control and overly aggressive.

This is absolutely unacceptable
behavior from a charter guest.

It's dangerous.

I think it's best we all just...

No, go [bleep] yourself and
throw yourself off the boat.

Take a walk...

[sobbing]

- Two fingers, or one?
- Three, actually.

Hold on...
no, come here.

What the [bleep]?

She needs...
she needs to go.

So, maybe it's just best if
you just kind of just,

like, stay away from
each other right now.

- Just, like,...
- Bullsh--.

- We can't...
- No, can I stop them?

There'll be somebody jumping off
this boat tonight.

[bleep].

It's not gonna be me.