01x04 - Ireland

[bunniefuu]

Earth, a cradle
for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,

this planet mocks our feeble
power to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur

of this planet,
sometimes you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,
base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk show host,

he has been driven
by a changing ecosystem

to a drier
and harsher climate,

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,

this clown with dull,
tiny eyes,

the eyes
of a crudely painted doll

is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges
in distant lands,

uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

This is his ancestral
hallowed ground.

Here's a picture of me
when I was ten years old,

the same year
my parents sat me down

and told me the unthinkable.

I was Irish.

Since then, I've heard
a lot about my ancestors

leaving Ireland for America
in the 19th century,

including our family patriarch,

Thomas Noonan O'Brien,

who headed to Central
Massachusetts to purchase

a big fake mustache.

But while I knew his name,
I didn't know much about

the life he left behind
in Ireland.

And then I realized, wait,
I have a travel show.

I can go find my roots,
road trip around Ireland,

call it content,

and send the bill to
a hapless streaming service.

[laughs]

And as soon as I landed,

I knew immediately
that I was with my people.

[upbeat fiddle music]

♪ ♪

[horse chuffing]

[neighing]

Welcome home.

There's no way the horse
makes it into the show.

Oh, this'll be in, all right.

Never.

I set off to explore Ireland

and received
the same hero's welcome

as other famous Irish sons.

Hey, if you're driving
through Ireland,

you have to stop
in County Tipperary.

Why you ask?

To pay homage to the Barack
Obama Plaza highway rest stop.

Beautiful likenesses
of the presidential couple.

They're waving
at drivers on the M7.

This is Pat McDonagh.

And this was your concept?

That's right.

This is because Barack Obama
has an eighth cousin

who lives in the area.

That's correct, yeah.

I bet you have a whole
string of presidential plazas.

Yeah.
And we're...

I was at your Lyndon Johnson
flapjack house

half an hour ago.

Because I'm a son
of Ireland, you've arranged

a little honor for me as well.

[regal horn fanfare]

[laughter]

This is fantastic!

And this is amazing.

Look, there's already
a crowd gathering here.

Yeah, absolutely.

People are...
kids are excited.

Do you think you'll be using
the Conan O'Brien air pump?

- Absolutely.
- Of course.

The best air in Ireland.

We dedicated
this five minutes ago,

and water is already
sh**ting out of the water pump

at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

Not my problem.

I only handle air.

OK, Pat, I have
a great surprise for you.

One, two, three, go!

- Wow.
- Yes!

It's an exact likeness of me if
I were in a terrible accident.

Hey...
[laughs]

So let's slide it in, guys.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[laughs]

♪ ♪

I'm high-fiving Obama.

- [laughs]
- Look at that!

Very good, very good,
very good.

Right?

Barack Obama just had
air put in his tire

at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

That's what's being
commemorated here.

Oh.

Next, I headed to Ireland's
largest city, Dublin,

where I got a crash course
in how to speak like a local.

Lynn, you are from
the north side of Dublin.

I would like to learn what you
people refer to as the Dub.

I know there are many
different variations on it...

- Yeah.
- But just give me the basics.

The basics.

So if you walked out of here
now, if you said to somebody,

what's the cr*ck?
- What's the cr*ck?

Yeah.

What's the cr*ck means,
what's going on?

Yeah, like, what's up?

What's the story?

If we were at a party
and the party was really good,

we... you might say to someone
else, that was great cr*ck.

Would I ever say,
I enjoyed your cr*ck?

You might, but it will
mean something different.

Right.

That would be
if you had a good ride.

What's that mean?

A ride means,
oh, he's gorgeous.

Ride?

Like riding a bike.

But because you're a redhead...

I'm sorry to all me redhead
people, I love you very much.

But you would caveat it with,
"He's a ride for a ginger."

- Why do people do that?
- [laughs]

This is Ireland.

I get that sh*t in the...

I'm sorry, shite.

I get that
in the rest of the world.

And then I come to Ireland,
and you're like,

"Well, as redheads go"...

I think we're quite sexy.

Extremely sexy for redheads.

That's... don't say that!

[laughs]

It's not funny.

We're very attractive people.

Ron Howard... oh, f*ck.

We use the same word
for a lot of things.

So say, Mickey.

Do you know what...

I can't believe
I'm not to go there.

A Mickey is when someone
puts something in your drink.

- No.
- What is it here?

Mickey, in Ireland,
is your penis.

What?

- Yeah.
- My God.

Yeah.

Earlier today someone said,
I put a Mickey in your drink.

[laughs]

And then later on,
I noticed I wasn't sleepy.

I wasn't sleepy at all.

Yeah.

But we use the same...

But the drink tasted
slightly a-cock!

[laughter]

I think I got to start
speaking faster because you

speak very quickly.
- Yeah.

I'll put a little lilt on
it, and I'll speak quickly.

Yeah.
Got a few jars in.

- Got a few jars... what's that?
- Jars.

- Jars.
- Drinks.

I've got a few jars in.

I was just praying to,
what is it, Jessie Christy?

- Janey Mac.
- Janey Mac.

Yeah.

I just had
a prayer with Janey Mac,

because he found me sticking
me Mickey in a light socket!

You know what I mean?
That kind of thing, right.

Well, that's not saying
a lot for your Mickey

actually,
because light sockets are...

they're quite small.
- I had an adapter.

OK, right.

[laughs]

Being a little loose
with the mouth too.

[speaking gibberish]

That sounds actually more
patronizing, stereotypical.

That's what I...

- Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
- Oh... [speaking gibberish]

The Americans go on
television and kind of go,

oh... di, dir, dir, dir, dir.

Yeah.

[laughs]
She wants me gold, eh.

So when you're young,
growing up in Dublin,

if you were wrecking
your ma's head, right?

If I was a wrecking
my ma's head?

That's a niner.

You know,
just in her ear, a niner.

She'd say...

You know, you think
you're explaining things,

but you're not.

You're throwing me
in the soup every time.

I don't know what
you're saying.

You're wrecking
your ma's head like a niner.

What does that mean?

That's just... that's just
gibbeldy-goo, you know,

which I'm sure
is the town you're from.

There's an equal relationship
here, where you're a student.

Mm-hmm.

So you might just be
a really shite student.

I might be a shite student.

All right, rather than me
being a bad teacher.

I'm going to put it on you.

Giving it socks.

That's being blithered
in the blathered.

No.

Just imagine you're in a rave.

And you're like,
absolutely wrecking it.

Monkey.

Uh, I don't know.

You don't know
what monkey is?

Dirty.
- What's that?

- Dirty.
- Oh, dirty.

- No, door-ty.
- Door-ty.

I thought you wanted
to speak like me.

But yet you keep trying
to force me to speak like you.

I'm not trying to
force you to do anything.

No, you keep going,
"Sorry, sorry.

Is it dirty?"

I enjoy this cr*ck
I'm having with you.

Eh, going on the lash.

Going on the lash.

Going on the drink.

We're all going on the lash.

And then you might say, and I'm
absolutely dying for me hole.

- Oh, Janey Mac.
- [laughs]

Oh, I'm dying for the hole?

- Me hole.
- Me hole?

- Yeah.
- That means I'm want...

I'm interested in what?
- It's like I...

- What do you mean?
- I'm gagging for it.

It's like...
- I'm gagging for my hole.

Is... I'm interested in sex?
Is that what you're saying?

I'm for me hole means,
that I want to have sex.

But it sounds like no one
else needs to be there.

If you said, I'm going
to wear the hole of you...

Yeah.

That would be different to,
I want to get me hole.

That hole is that hole.

But...
[laughs]

Right?
If you were to say me hole,

then you're talking about
your bum.

But if you were saying,
I'd like me hole,

you're talking about
a different hole.

Well, first of all,
I'm glad that we met

in this beautiful bar
to talk about this.

So how about
we have a conversation

rather than you repeat me.
- Sure.

What's the cr*ck, Conan?

Eh, I'm going to go down
over to the pub

and then go to the club.

Get me socks.

Get me socks on.
- [laughs]

Get me socks off.

I'm going to wear me socks.
I'm wearing socks.

I have socks.

I brought socks!

I have a jars
over there at the pub.

Over there at the pub?
At that pub over there?

It's that pub
over there, yeah.

Are they all
right over there?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, the man in
the Dub, that work at the pub.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm absolutely
dying for me hole.

What do you like over there?

Oh, well, I'll get you a jar.

We'll put it in your hole.

[laughs]

[upbeat guitar music]

No visit
to Dublin is complete

unless you meet up with Bono.

It has to happen.

Problem is,
Bono is hard to find.

It's offseason.

It's cold.

And often, Bono retreats
into the shrubbery

to lay up on food and rest,

kind of prepare himself
for the spring

and the next tour of Vegas.

I've heard reports
that he's been

spotted here in Merrion Park.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

When you're looking for
Bono, you have to be patient.

You can't rush it.

♪ ♪

That's a different band.

♪ ♪

This is a promising
area over here.

There's a lot of dense foliage.

There's been
some very small footprints.

We have found trace evidence
of Bono's scat.

[sniffing]
Yeah, Bono's been here.

♪ ♪

[whispering]
Oh, yeah.

Here we go.
[sniffs]

These are fresh.

He sheds these
during mating season

and then grows new ones.

♪ ♪

Wait a minute.

There, right there,
right there,

ahead of the woman
with the baby carriage.

Right there.
Can't tell.

Is that... see?
See over there?

See over there?
I'm pretty sure that's him!

[tense music]

Enhancing the footage
confirmed it.

Bono was in the park.

Bono hunters have told me
if you really want

to lure them in,
you've got to use one of these.

It's a global
Humanitarian Award.

It's not even real.

We're going to use this
as bait.

We're going to bag us a Bono.

OK, the Humanitarian Award
has been hanging

for about five minutes.

The trap is set.

I'm told, with Bono,
this won't take long.

He can smell these things
from miles away.

♪ ♪

There he is!
There he is!

Where?
Where is he?

There he is!
He's coming right...

Where do you see him?

[leaves rustling]

Right there!
- Oh, he's the guy there!

There he is!
There he is!

He's got it!

He's got the award!

- There he goes!
- There he goes!

Come on!

[dramatic music]

Bono!

Damn it!

[sighs]
All right.

Let's get another
Humanitarian Award.

I was starting to feel
at home in Dublin.

So I decided to find out
what the cr*ck was

with an Irish fan
I met on my podcast.

Conan.

Mohammed, how are you?

I'm good.
I'm good.

Where are you right now?

So right now I'm in my family
home in Dublin in Ireland.

My family came here
about 25 years ago from...

from Pakistan.

So I was born here,
grew up here, raised in Dublin.

And for the past three,
four years now,

I've been going
to university in Bulgaria.

Wait a minute.

I'm trying to piece
this together.

Your name is Mohammed.

- Yes.
- You grew up in Ireland.

Yes.

And you're going
to the University of Bulgaria.

- Yes.
- Is that right?

I'm a fourth-year
medical student out there.

What do you think
you want to do in medicine?

Something surgery-wise
I think would...

would interest me quite a lot.
- OK.

Well, my wish,
and I know this is

a very strange thing to say,
is that one day

you perform surgery on me.

- That would be... that would...
- That's what I want.

- be an honor.
- That's what I want.

That would actually be
pretty... pretty incredible.

That's weird.

[upbeat fiddle music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪ ♪

- Mohammed.
- No.

Mohammed!
Yes!

- What?
- Yes!

- No!
- Yes, Yes!

Yes, Mohammed.
- How are you?

What?
- Hey. How's it going?

You mind if we come in?
- No.

Of course, of course.
- Is it okay? Come on in.

Come on. Come on.
This is crazy.

This is really nice.

Do you mind if I just
relax here for a second?

Of course.

When last we spoke,
you were studying medicine.

Yes.

What is your
specialty going to be?

You told me you were
interested in surgery.

Yeah.

Maybe something
in the orthopedics, kind of.

I love the, like...
- You like a foot?

- Yeah.
- You're a foot...

I like to be...

You're a foot guy.

[laughs]

You and Quentin Tarantino.

Oh, maybe.

You know, I like his movies.
- Yeah.

Well, you notice, he's
always... the camera's always

drifting down to the feet!
- Exactly, yeah.

It's fantastic.

This is your sister?
- Yes.

So you're Pakistani descent.

But really, you grew up here...

Yeah.

I've been told my accent's
been fading over the years

as well because...

It sounds...
it sounds Irish to me.

OK.
Good to know.

Do you use all
the Irish jargon?

Like, when you get really
angry or, you know, into it,

you'll go into the accent more.

So they hear more like,
are you starting on me?

Are you starting on me?

Who the f*ck
do you think you are?

You know,
I'm scarlet for your ma.

I'm scarlet for your man.

Scarlet for your ma
for having you.

Scarlet for your dad
for doing it with your ma.

Oh my God,
this is so Pakistani.

[laughter]

This is fantastic.
- That's what I hear.

Let me try a couple on you,

because I've been trying
to learn.

I'm told I'm quite a ride.

- Mm.
- Who told you that?

Mm.
That one's a bit...

[laughs]

Doesn't that mean he's,
like, a handsome guy?

- Yeah, exactly.
- It means more

that someone
wants to have sex with you.

Someone wants
to have sex with me.

Well, why did you...
why is that so crazy to you?

No, I was just curious
what the source was.

[laughter]

Hi.

What's your name?
- Makira.

Hi, Makira. How are you?
Nice to see you.

I'm Conan.

You listen
to the podcast sometimes?

Doesn't that affect
your studies at all?

Do you think
it hurts your studies?

Do you think
I've hurt you in school?

OK.

Is it possible you could speak
a little more quietly?

Because I can...
you're screaming right now, OK.

Is that possible?
- [chuckles]

All right, good.

And I come to your house,
you're living in Dublin.

And your shirt says,
Wisconsin, USA.

What's happening?

Why?

[chuckles]

You want to visit Wisconsin
because you like the name?

Mm-hmm.

OK.
Do you like cheese?

OK. Wow, I can tell
from your tone of voice

that you really love cheese.

You guys must be
very proud of Mohammed.

He's going to be
what we decided today

is a foot surgeon,
is that right?

Do you think it sounds
a good idea for me

to let your brother do surgery?
- I could do it.

- I could do it.
- You could do it?

- Yeah.
- What's your qualification?

- I'm a doctor.
- What kind of doctor?

Well,
I want to do cardiology.

So if you want to let me
practice on you there...

No.
So you want to cr*ck my chest

and operate on my heart?

- Sure.
- That's not happening!

Any pains, any aches,
anything like that?

Low back sometimes
stiffens up.

Gets your hand in there.
- Yeah.

- What do you think?
- Oh...

- That's just nice.
- I think...

I think we can get you
on the table, yeah?

All right.
- Get in there, Mohammed!

Here we go.
Let me use the elbow a bit.

Yeah, there we go.

Now, if you... ahh!

This doesn't really count
as surgery, does it?

No, it... it's procedure.

We're working on stuff.

This bed is now famous.

You can tell people
that Conan O'Brien had

his back adjusted on this bed.

Get a little plaque here.

I think that'll look nice.

Well, that's actually
our parents' bed, so...

[laughter]

I was just
on your parents' bed?

Oh, that's just so...

I mean,
what a Freudian tangle now.

Your parents sleep in that bed?

Yeah.

And I was just lying on it,

and your brother
was on top of me?

- Yeah.
- That must freak you out!

We were watching.

You'll never speak again!

As I said,
it's my... it's my dream...

Yes.

that I come to Dublin
and have the most

Irish guy I know,
Mohammed,

perform a surgical procedure
on me.

And we've decided you're going
to remove a piece of toenail.

I think I can...
I'm capable of that, yeah.

Clippers, please.

Doctor.

Right.

This shouldn't take too long.

[heart monitor beeping]

OK, let's go.

There we go.

Uh, remove it all the way.

OK,
you have to retrieve the organ.

Right.

Would you like
your nail back?

You know what?
I'm an organ donor.

So I would like that to go to
someone who's in an accident

and has lost
a little bit of toenail.

Congratulations.
- Thank you.

You're a real doctor now.

Once word got out
that I was touring Ireland,

the offers started rolling in.

Well, one offer,
to appear on

the longest-running Irish
language soap opera,

"Ros na Rún."

- This is Mairead?
- Mairead.

And you've been
working here at...

am I saying it correctly, Ros?

- "Ros na Rún."
- "Ros na Rún."

And that means
valley of secrets.

Valley of secrets.

So there's a lot
of intrigue and stuff

that goes on
on this soap opera,

this drama series.
Is that right?

There is, yeah.

It's a place you might not want
to live.

It's lovely, but there is
a lot of m*rder and...

- Ahh!
- Crime.

[dramatic music]

- Wow.
- Affairs and...

- OK.
- things like that.

Ohh!

Oh, oh.

So everyone speaks Irish
on this show.

And really, this is part
of a cultural effort

to bring Irish back.

I've noticed that in Ireland
they'll have the sign

in English and also
in Irish, which is beautiful.

Yeah, yeah.

It is not an easy language,
this Irish language.

It's not, but we'll see,
see how you do today.

You'll get
a little bit of help.

You'll be fine.

Quickly,
I looked at the script,

and I've been assigned...

I'm just a delivery man.

You are.

Why didn't I get a role
where I'm a sexy man

who's come to town
and has maybe an affair?

No harm, Conan.

But we have to be
true to life as well.

You know, it is a soap.

[laughter]

Delivery man,
we thought it was a great fit.

So you thought
it was impossible for me

to play a sexy man.

Is that what
you're thinking of saying?

Look.

You make it
as sexy as you want,

but also,
it is so portraying real life.

So delivery man
I think is a great fit.

Let me ask you
a quick question.

Let's say Colin Farrell
showed up to play a part.

Would you make him...
- Sexy delivery man.

[laughter]

Is it my age?
You can say it.

Just I'm a little old.
- No, no.

We're not ageist here.
- You're not ageist.

- No. No.
- It's just my face basically.

It's not!
It's just a good fit.

It's a nice little scene.

We think
you're going to do great.

You've crushed me.

You crushed my feelings.
- We have to be real.

No, we don't!

We could put some Vaseline
on the lens,

make me look a little
better, you know.

We don't have that much time.

[laughter]

Oh, I'm back home
where I belong.

[laughter]

Kevin, thank you so much.

You're going to help me
learn the language today.

You're going to be
holding my cue cards.

What we've done today is,
we've written out in a way

that we think
will help people

of an English language
background.

So what you did is,
this is for an idiot.

You made this for an idiot.

- For beginners.
- For beginners.

That's very nice.
Thank you both.

OK.

Jee-uh-gh-itch.

- Jee-uh-gh-itch.
- Jee-uh-gh-itch.

How's that?
- That's pretty good, yeah.

Arr-ih-ged.

Gh-aw-kh-aid you-row.

- That was pretty good.
- That was good.

Knee-venn egg eer
ah fawn-ucht suh

bowel shoh err ayn know-ss.

- There we go.
- Right.

Right?

Brilliant.

There's a great danger
that while we're making this

you will fall in love with me.

I'm saying it's
something that does...

I'm not sure, Conan.

I'll fall in love with you
if we sh**t the scene

in 40 minutes.

[laughs]

There might be a chance.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Eh?

Balloons.

Cash on delivery.

[speaking in Irish]

♪ ♪

A sexy soap opera star
was born.

And next,
I was invited to audition

for an Irish supergroup.

I am standing here
with three legends.

These are The Irish Tenors.

Gentlemen, could you give me
a quick sampling

of just some small
little bit that I could hear?

[together]
♪ Of all the money ♪

♪ That ere I spent ♪

♪ I spent it in good company ♪

Oh, wow.
That was... that blows my mind.

There's part of me
that thinks the...

The Irish Tenors need a fourth.

Let me give it a sh*t.
- OK.

Breathe.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen
and down the mountainside ♪

That's interesting.

Let's... let's try
and take the... the...

just be yourself singing those.

Those are my trills.

- Once more with feeling.
- Yeah.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes,
the pipes are calling ♪

Much better.

[together]
♪ The summer's gone ♪

♪ And all the roses falling ♪

all:
♪ It's you, it's you must go ♪

♪ And I must bide ♪

♪ But come you back ♪

♪ When summer's in the meadow ♪

♪ Yes, I'll be here ♪

[screaming]

♪ In sunshine ♪

Jesus.

[applause]
- Bravo.

You nailed it.

I just lost a testicle.

It dropped out.

Oh, God.

It's in this shoe right now.

[upbeat music]

What is your name?
- I'm Jean.

Jean, how are you,
and where are you from?

- And I'm from Dublin.
- Oh, you're from Dublin?

I'm from Dublin.

My people, we went to America
about 150 years ago.

Oh my goodness.

Your Irishness
never leaves you.

- It never leaves us, does it?
- It never leaves.

And everybody says that.

She's right.

Your Irishness
never leaves you.

And I was off
to learn about mine.

I'm sitting here
with Catriona Crowe.

You are a genealogist.

That's right.

And so you study
family records.

I know a phrenologist
feels bumps on the head

and tries to tell if
someone's dangerously insane.

But a genealogist
studies family records.

Is that correct?
- That's exactly right.

I focus on the records.

I know very little
about my family.

I wanted to kind of
give you an idea of what

the records are showing.

I suppose if we start here
with your great grandfather,

Thomas Noonan O'Brien...

Yes.

And he's the man who was
born in Ireland but emigrated.

So really,
Thomas Noonan O'Brien

is the one that did it.

He was the one that said
we've got to get out of here,

we have to go.
- Mm-hmm.

- I had a genetic test...
- OK.

not too long ago.

Mm.

And the result came back,
and it said I'm 100% Irish.

Could that have led
to my madness?

Yeah, it's possibly
linked to the red hair.

The red hair has sometimes
been linked to madness?

Well,
maybe more a temper, I suppose.

My writers have told me
that I have a temper.

OK. OK.

I often, if I'm not
pleased with the quality

of their work...

Mm.

I've been known
to fly into a rage.

And I'm quite physical
with them,

beatings, pummelings.

Is the name Conan becoming
more popular in Ireland

since my great fame?

I think you're
the only Conan I know.

Can I try and pinpoint
the location for you

on a few maps?

I'd like you to try that, yes.

Yeah.
So...

Do you mind
if I put on my glasses?

No, of course.

Can I put them on in kind
of a funny comedic way?

[chuckles]

Is that funny to you?

A little.

So we're looking at a map
of County Limerick,

where Thomas was born,
your great grandfather,

is in the parish of Galbally.

Galbally.

It's really just
a group of farms.

All of the O'Brien family,
they're agricultural laborers.

So...
- We were all farmers?

Well,
at this generation, they're...

they're working
for the tenant farmers.

Right.

So I suppose,
if you put it at a class level,

they're... they're a rung below.

I come from very rural
people, working-class.

Mm.

There's no chance that I
would come back here and be

heir to a great fortune.

No, but do you
really need that?

Yes, I do.

Are there any records
in all of your research

that you've done
on the O'Briens?

My family in particular, have
you found any acts of heroism?

Everyday heroism
I suppose, you know.

Do you think it's
possible that in my own way,

I'm heroic?

Again in an everyday way.

OK.

[clears throat]

You just cleared your throat.

[laughter]

There was no reason to.

I could tell there was
no saliva back there.

You just did it to fill
the awkward silence.

Yeah.
[chuckles]

I gotcha.

One of the fakest
throat clearings

I've ever heard in my life.

[laughter]

I mean, really.

[clears throat]

- You did it again.
- Oh, God.

[chuckles]

You are so
uncomfortable right now.

Do you think I'm heroic?

[clearing throat]
Um, um.

Think the O'Briens
are a great line?

[clearing throat]

[clears throat]

I'm told I have a fat head.

[chuckles]

Is that something that
would be in the O'Brien line?

[upbeat fiddle music]

- What's this?
- Can I get a photograph?

Thank you.

And I get to keep the baby now?

- No.
- Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye now.

What's her name?

Nothing works up an appetite
like stealing a baby.

So I decided to try
the Irish breakfast staple

black pudding,
also known as blood sausage.

Hey,
I'm at Loughnane's Butcher.

And your name is Dara.
- Dara Loughnane, yeah.

OK.

Well, Dara, as you know, this
is a travel show I'm doing.

And a big staple
of travel shows now

is the host tasting
the local food and going,

"This is incredible."

And maybe you show me
how we make the blood pudding,

and then I can bite into it
and be like, this is amazing,

just like
Stanley Tucci does it?

Looks like he's having
six orgasms all at once.

We show you the ingredients,
and we'll...

we'll let you try some.

Black pudding starts with
three types of ground pork

combined with oats, onion,
and pig's blood,

lots and lots and lots
of pig's blood,

which is all lovingly stuffed
into a cow's intestine,

tenderly tied into links,
then cooked, sliced,

and served as the
premier delicacy of Ireland.

Oh,
this is the finished product.

- Yes.
- OK.

Here we go.

Mmm.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Oh, I feel like I've come home.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

[cutlery clinking]

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

[moaning, groaning]

♪ ♪

Next, I was off
to the town of Wicklow

on the craggy Irish Coast
to visit one of Ireland's

iconic lighthouses.

This is Brendan Conway.
Hi, Brendan.

Hi.
Nice to meet you, Conan.

You are
the lighthouse keeper, yes?

Well, I used to
live here as a child.

My father
was the lighthouse keeper.

Your father
was the lighthouse keeper.

- That's correct, yeah.
- How does the light work?

Is there a big crank
that you pull or a big lever?

It's just all automated.
It just comes on on its own.

So you could leave
for weeks at a time.

You could do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing here now?

- What am I doing here now?
- Yeah.

I'm talking to you.
[chuckles]

Oh.

[laughter]

It's so quiet too here.

Yeah,
it's peaceful, isn't it?

Did the quietness
and the solitude

do you think
ever drive you mad?

Did you ever go insane?

Not for me, no.
I enjoy it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let's say the light goes
out, where do you get a bulb

for one of those these days?

Do you have to have
it specially made

or can you order one of those?

It's an LED.

So it...

It's an LED?

You're taking all
the romance out of it.

It runs on a sensor
automatically.

It's an LED
that you get on Amazon.

[chuckles]

I yearn for the old days
of the old lighthouse keeper,

who's gone quite mad
staring at the sea.

That's what I yearn for.
- OK.

[footsteps clanking]

Brendan, this is incredible.

It's hypnotic.

And the view you get here
is spectacular.

Yeah,
it's gorgeous, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So see this steel cable?
- Yeah.

So you'd crank it up
like a clock.

It took the weights
about 25 minutes

to reach the bottom
of the tower.

You'd have to crank it
every 25 minutes?

You would, yeah, so my father
would be up here on his watch.

But what would he do...
how would he sleep at night?

He didn't sleep.

It's like having a newborn.

I get it.

I understand why
there's automation.

But to be honest,
I yearn for the old ways.

Yeah.

You know,
just the one lighthouse keeper

out here all by himself.

Just him and the sea,
him and the sea

slowly going quite mad.

[waves crashing]

[suspenseful music]

[wind whistling]

♪ ♪

[thunder booming]

Hark!
Poseidon, hark!

Our king, please look down
upon thee and curse

the winds of modern plague

that sullies
the ancient tradition!

Forge where rock meets sea!

Discard
this technological detritus

into the black briny deep,

the last gasp
of avant-garde convenience!

And scream
to the heavens above!

I got gadgets
and gizmos a-plenty!

I've got whozits
and whatzits galore!

You want thingamabobs?

I've got 20!

But who cares?

No big deal.

I want more.

♪ ♪

Me thinks that last part
was "The Little Mermaid."

Yeah.

Uh...

[cackling]

[coughing]

[whispering]
Oh, the precious light,

the precious light.

[whispering indistinctly]

[upbeat music]

Back in this century,
it was finally time

to make a pilgrimage
to the birthplace

of my great grandfather,
Thomas Noonan O'Brien.

I'm very excited.

I am here
in the village of Galbally.

Galbally.

This is where my
great-grandfather...

- Thomas.
- Thomas O'Brien,

he would have hung out in this
little town square, right?

Absolutely.

Maybe he would have stopped
off at Fraser's lounge bar

and undertaker to grab a pint
and hit on a grieving widow.

Sir, your name is?

- Joss O'Brien.
- You're an O'Brien.

And you're from Galbally.

I am an O'Brien.

My great-grandfather
was Thomas O'Brien.

And he came from Galbally...

Mm-hmm.

in the 1870s.

Yes.

You don't seem that excited.

I'm back.

Look at me. I'm back.

[chuckles]

I came back.

You're an O'Brien
from Galbally.

I'm an O'Brien from Galbally.

We must be related,
don't you think?

Oh, so it's not a big deal.

[chuckles]

Jesus!

So you'd be happy about an
O'Brien returning to Galbally

if he gave you some money?

[laughter]

Is... is a tenner OK?

I know it would have to be...

How much?

Few hundred thousand?

You want a few hundred
thousand euro in order

to be excited
about meeting an O'Brien?

I will.
Have a good day.

Be careful crossing the road.

Yeah.

No, no, no.
Don't worry.

But if you do,
you can always sue.

That's where the money is.

Anything happens to you, you
fall in one of these cameras,

you get the money.

Yeah, so go take a tumble.

Run along now, little tumble.
- OK.

And then you'll never work
again a day in your life.

He's an O'Brien all right.

[gentle fiddle music]

We're just off the main road
here outside Galbally.

According to your calculations,

Thomas O'Brien,
my great-grandfather,

would have lived...
where do you think?

Is it in here?

Yeah, just round here
there was a small cottage.

So I'm looking
at the exact same view

that they would have had.

Mm-hmm.

And saw those
mountains every day.

Yeah.

And they left this
to go to America.

Yeah.

I think they screwed up.

This is beautiful.
- It is beautiful.

- They should have stayed here.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

My quick question is,
why is there no house anymore?

This is where
the O'Briens lived.

The records show
there was a house here.

So it was certainly,
there was...

the newer laborer's cottage was
here at least from the 1930s.

But most of those
laborers' cottages,

they're gone
from the landscape.

Catriona, I want to thank you
sincerely for taking me here

and to see where my
great-grandfather came from.

It's terrific.

Thank you so much really.

Thank you.

Yeah, what you do
is really meaningful.

I mean, do I wish the
house was still here?

Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Am I a little hurt
that it was destroyed?

Does part of me
think that maybe it

was because they didn't
like my work in America?

Yes.

But still, this is very moving.

And I thank you.

It was hard to believe
I was sitting on the very land

where my great-grandfather
lived and worked

and that my existence
was the direct result

of his courageous decision to
seek a better life in America.

And no matter where
I went in Ireland,

I was struck by the unique
character of the Irish,

their dark and biting wit,

their contagious charm,

and their unrivaled
sexual repression.

I got my hole in.

Oh God!
Oh God!

No wonder I felt
a strong kinship

with everyone I met
during my visit.

And I've never been prouder
to hail from a country

that has produced some of
the best thinkers

and artists
the world has ever known.

And of course, I'm including
myself on that list.

An artist?

You've gotta be sh1tting me!

Thank you, Ireland.

You are quite the ride...

for a ginger.

all: ♪ And I shall hear ♪

♪ Though soft you tread
above me ♪

♪ For you will bend ♪

♪ And tell me ♪

♪ That you love me ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ And I shall sleep
in peace ♪

♪ Until you come ♪

♪ To me ♪

[cheers and applause]

This is deranged.