02x23 - The Way We Almost Weren't

[bunniefuu]

Come on, everybody!

Put your hands together!

I want to hear you all scream.

♪ I'm gonna put on
my old blue jeans ♪

♪ gonna walk out of
here and into the street ♪

♪ would you put up resistance? ♪

♪ Would it make a difference? ♪

♪ Would you know the real me? ♪

♪ Me in my old blue jeans ♪

♪ ooh, yeah, yeah ♪

Thank you! Thank
you... Where are we?

Albuquerque.

Albuquerque...

My favorite city in
my favorite state...

Guam.

Guam!

Huh? Huh?

I hate you.

I love you all.
Good night. Toodles!

Get us out of here, Larry.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

One of the things I
love about this bus...

It brushes for you.

But it could use a bigger sink.

Hey, Lilly.

Yeah, we just left the
show in Albuquerque.

Yes, in new Mexico.
Where else would it be?

Guam?

What?

Shut up.

No, you shut up. Oh, my gosh.

Dad, Lilly's got extra tickets
to maroon 5 tomorrow night.

We got to get home.

Oh, no, but I was kind of hoping
we could take the scenic route

and maybe stop and
see a couple historical...

Come on! Come on, daddy!

Not another rock

where Lewis and
Clark took a tinkle break.

When I said they were
marking their territory,

I meant surveying.

Dad, call it whatever
you want, it's boring.

Can we please just go home?

Yeah. Please,
please, please. Please!

Help me out, Lilly.

Please... Please, please...

Please! Please!



in Lilly-Miley surround sound.

What do you want to do, Miley?

Just race your way through life,

never taking time
to stop along the way

and smell the roses,

maybe miss some
wonderful surprises

right in front of you that
could change you forever.

Yup, that's pretty
much the plan.

Lilly, save me a ticket.
I'm on my way home.

Ohh! Lilly, I got to go.

Apparently, dessert's
on me tonight.

Ew!

Ho ho ho!

Hey, Larry, back up.
She missed a spot.

That's all right,
Larry. I got it.

Son, you might want to
go easy on the makeup.

We're not in Los Angeles yet.

Then why are we stopping?

Because we're at a
historical landmark.

Oh! Ugh!

Look, it's raining
outside, I'm hungry,

and besides that, this diner
comes with one heck of a good story.

And you made me drive right past
the world's largest rubber band ball.

You owe me.

Fine. I know where you can see

the world's biggest
pile of dirty socks.

Jackson's room. Let's drive.

And if you're good,

I'll let you ride down
the underwear mountain.

Whoosh!

Now, I don't want to hear it.

We're gonna stop and
smell the dang roses,

and you're gonna like it.

So clean up your faces, get
off this bus, and start sniffing.

Aw, daddy! Ooh!

♪ Come on ♪

♪ you get the limo out front ♪

♪ hottest styles, every
shoe, every color ♪

♪ yeah, when you're
famous, it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ it's really you, but
no one ever discovers ♪

♪ who would have
thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ would double
like a superstar? ♪

♪ She gets the
best of both worlds ♪

♪ chillin' out, take it slow ♪

♪ then you rock out the show ♪

♪ you get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ mix it all together,
and you know ♪

♪ that it's the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ ...oh oh ♪

relax. We won't be here
more than a half-hour, tops.

Dad, it's gonna take her a
half-hour just to get here.

Um, excuse me.
We're ready to order.

Ooh! Forgot my
pen. Back in a jiff.

Mm!

You just can't find an
old-fashioned hamburger like this

out on the main highway.

It makes you want
to savor every bite.

Yeah. Sure. Eating,
savoring. Done.

Let's go.

Oh, come on, Miley. Slow down.

Even your brother's getting
into the spirit of this place.

Whoo-hoo!

Prospector Pete found
his way through the maze

to the gold...

Again!

Now, about that story,


into this very place

and had an experience
that changed my life.

Let me guess, daddy.
You saw your first mullet

and knew that
was the 'do for you.

What a great story.
I'm welling up. Let's go.

You know what? If you
don't want to hear the story,

then I'm not gonna tell it.

Ooh! You showed us!

Let's go.

Ok. If you two are in
such a dang fire hurry,

then just go out
on the bus and wait.

I'm gonna sit here and
enjoy my delicious burger

and think of the memories of a wonderful
story that you two will never know.

Excuse me, ma'am?

May I have another cup
of your delicious coffee?

Ooh, you're in luck.
I'm brewing a fresh pot.

One... Two...

Ooh, time for my break.



Oh, I am.

Hey, Oliver, here's your
ticket for maroon 5 tonight.

Where's my 50 bucks?

You'll get it right after rico
pays me for fixing these chairs.

Little genius was going to pay
a professional a hundred bucks.

I did it for half, and all it
took was, like, 5 minutes

and some monster glue. Ahh!

Who's the genius now?

Looks like it's still rico.

Would you just give me a hand?

Ha ha.

I always wanted to do that.

Now, would you just
help me out of this thing?

Uh-oh.

You fixed this
one, too, didn't you?

It's solid, isn't it?

Come here.

No. Come here.

No, I'm not going to hurt you.

That's what you always
say before you hurt me.

Get over here!

Don't run, Oliver!

Come back!

No, Lilly.

Ok, this part, this
was not my fault.

Oh, that's ok. Oh, what's
in front of you right now?

A post. Oh, good.

No!

He said half an hour,
and he's still not back.

This can only mean one thing...

That meringue-loving hillbilly
ordered a second piece of pie.

I am not going to miss maroon 5.

Come on, Jackson. Let's go.

You go.

I'm about ready to
break my downhill record.

You're about to break
something, all right.

Ooh! No, no!

No. Wait. It's... it's too fast.

No, no... too fast.

Too fast! Aah!

Awesome!

I got to do that again.

Sorry, buddy. Slopes
are closed. Let's go.

And this time, I'm
taking off the gloves.

Daddy, I want to go home.

Yup. That ought to
get 'er done. Let's go.

Yow!

Miley.

Miley! Miley, are you ok?

Next time, you're going first.

That's weird. What
happened to the storm?

What happened to this place?

All rightie! Hot stuff
coming through.

And I'm not talking about
the food, sweet cakes.

What happened to
her? Where's daddy?

I don't know. Let's ask mom.

Shake your tail feathers,
college girl. You got tables.

Whatever, Loretta.

Oh, come on. There
is no way that's mom.

That's just a girl who
looked exactly like mom

when she was in college.



I don't know the exact year.

I do. 1987, June


Brother in a time
warp, say what?

The lightning, it must have
zapped us back in time somehow.

That's crazy. And I am
going to prove it to you.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm taking a little survey.

If you had a daughter,
what would you name her?

Miley. Thank you.

We're in trouble. Yeah!

Wow! Wow! Look at her.

I know. She's beautiful.

Our mom was totally hot.

And our dad was totally not.

Quick. Hide.

Jackson, no. No reason
to hide. We're not born yet.

Right. Force of habit.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Sorry, hon. Be right back.

Ah, man.

Oh, my gosh.

Jackson, this is the
story he wanted to tell us...

The thing that changed his life.

It was mom. We're actually
gonna see the moment they met.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

I'm, like, totally lost
and kind of in a hurry.

Which way back to highway 10?

♪ Doo doo bada, Egyptian ♪

Left at the traffic light.

Can't miss it, hunky boy.

Wicked cool, foxy mama.

Wait. What... what...
what... Where's he going?

Ok. Ok. Don't panic! He's
gonna come back, right?

I mean, obviously they met

or we wouldn't even be here.

Uh... jackson...

Ok. Now we can panic.

Coffee.

Yeah. Non-fat vanilla
decaf, half-caf cap

with just a dollop of foam.

Coffee?

Yes, please.

There you go.

Thank you.

Aah!

Oh, no. Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't. Don't.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Dad's not going
anywhere for a while.

How do you know?

While he was on the pay phone,

I pulled that out of his car.

I don't know what it is...

Somebody stole
my distributor cap.

But I'm guessing
it's a distributor cap.

Frost my applesauce.

I still got two days of driving
to get back to Nashville,

and now I got to sit here and
waste time waiting on a mechanic.

Are you ok?

Did anything else disappear?

Well, uh, let's
just put it this way.

If I want to drink my coffee,

I have to do it like this...

Why isn't anything
happening to you?

I don't know. You're the oldest.

First in, first out.

Well, then we've got
to get them together

before I totally disappear.

Jackson, relax. They're
only a few feet away.

Can I get some coffee, please?

Here it comes.

Sure thing, sugar.

And there it goes.

I am out of here
in, like, 20 minutes

and then we can totally
hit that party. Awesome!

How are they gonna fall in love?

They won't even
look at each other.

Jackson, that's it.

Anytime dad talks
about meeting mom,

he always says
that they fell in love

the minute they looked
into each other's eyes.

So all we've got to do
is get them to slow down

and take the time to look
at each other. Oh, boy.

What?

Is there a draft in here?

I was right.

There is no brain in there.

♪ Ooh ♪

Ooh! Ugh.

You are... All right.

So lucky I'm
watering their plants.

Oh, yeah. That's
me... Mr. Lucky.

Now, can we just get the nail
Polish remover and pray it works.

I really don't want to face
the guy at the hardware store

who told me to be careful
with the monster glue.

Ok. The nail Polish remover
is in Miley's bathroom.

Why do you get
to be in the front?

Oh, because I'm a girl,

and you, me, and the
guy at the hardware store

agree that you're an idiot.

Aah!

Hey, careful on
the stairs. Steady.

All right. Steady.

Ah-choo!

Ow!

Ow! Aah.

What, you're not
gonna say "bless you"?

I'm not feeling it. Ooh!

So I would like eggs,
a glass of orange juice,

you to look lovingly
into that man's eyes,

and a side of bacon.

Listen, kid, I am


from a radical party. Ha ha!

So don't harsh my mood
with your 'tude. Ha ha.

Now, where's your mama?

Closer than you think.

Hey, dude, love the mullet.

Hey, dude, go away.

Did you check out that waitress?

She's a babe, and I'm
pretty sure she's single.

Listen, kid, I'm
kind of working here.

♪ Don't break my heart ♪

♪ my itchy-twitchy heart ♪

No. No. My herky-jerky heart.

You might want to
try "achy breaky."

And you might want to try
shopping at a men's store.

"Achy breaky"?

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Let's get a woman's opinion.

Hey, mom.

Ma... Mia...

Mama Mia, she's
a cute-ah girl-ah.

Oh, waitress.

Cool your jets. I'm coming.

Wh... wh... where
you going, dad... dio...

Daddy-o?

Anywhere that you aren't.

But she's he...
oh, sweet niblets.

Sweet niblets it is.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Ooh!

What happened?

My butt's gone.

Here.

Get up.

Just get them together. Hurry!

I'm trying.

Well, here are your
eggs, scrambled,

kind of like you.

Ha ha ha ha!

This seat's too hard.

Too soft.

Too high.

Too low.

Too lumpy.

Too bad. Now, park it, froggy.

I don't have time for this.

I work off tips.

Great. Then I got one for you.

How about this guy?

Business in the
front, party in the back.

Got to love that. Uh... Oh!

Didn't your daddy ever tell
you not to talk to strangers?

Not yet.

Well, he should.

First scarf boy, now you.

I've had about enough of this.

I wish you both
would just disappear.

Oh, honey, we're getting there.

"Achy breaky heart." Nah.

Now, you eat your eggs, and don't
you even think about skipping out.

I got my eyes on you.

Speaking of eyes, why don't
we go look at mullet man's?

I bet they're gorgeous.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I'm game. How's my hair?

Sweet niblets.

Heck, those are popular today.

Hey, Mel, cr*ck open
another can of niblets.

♪ Oh ♪

Come on, Jackson.

We've got to get
them back together.

You're usually good at this.

Sorry. But I'm only half
the man I used to be.

Make that 1/4.



Jackson!

Bye!

Jackson?

I'll miss you, little buddy.

Did somebody
call for a tow truck?

It's about time.

No. Wait! Don't go!

What?

Oh, well, Loretta,

that was my last
customer. Toodles.

No! Stop!

What in the world...
Somebody help me.

Not you.

Oh, are you ok, sweet pea?

You know, she
does look a little pale.

I'll go call a doctor.

No! Stop! You can't leave me.

I guess I was just
moving so fast,

I forgot to see what
was right in front of me.

What? What?

Right in front of me.

Right in front of me.

My, oh, my. She was
right about your eyes.

Is that a Tennessee
accent I hear?

Sure enough.

Finally.

Miley, Miley, are you ok?

Jackson.

You're ok.

Huh. Me? You're the one

who almost just
got hit by lightning.

Really?

Wow.

Look, I'm gonna get
dad. Let's get out of here.

Wait, wait, wait.
What's your hurry?

I want to hear that story
daddy was gonna tell us.

I have a feeling
it's a good one.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ooh ooh ♪

I looked into her eyes,

heard that cute
Tennessee accent,

and I knew right
then she was the one.

Oh, daddy.

Yeah.

We sat in this very booth
right here and talked all night.

You know how I
knew she loved me?

She laughed at all your jokes?

Every one.

Then again, maybe she
was just laughing at my mullet.

♪ Ee, yeah, ee, yeah ♪

Did I mention I hate you?



If I miss that maroon


You're not gonna miss it.
Miley said she'd be back.

She'll probably be
home any minute.

We're not here. Leave a message.

Lilly, are you there
watering the plants?

I tried your cell phone
a bunch of times.

Hey, I'm sorry, but I'm not
gonna make the concert.

We decided to make a
few stops along the way.

I got a picture of the world's
largest rubber band ball.

That sucker is huge. Have a
great time at the concert. Bye.

I hate you.