01x02 - Good Little Asian

[bunniefuu]

[FILM PROJECTOR ROLLING]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
The Commandant wants to see you.

[CAPTAIN BREATHING HEAVILY]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Last time you ended with
a real hollywood cliffhanger.

CAPTAIN: "Comrade Commandant,

I pick it up in America,

but with my heart still in my homeland".

["HELLO L.A., BYE-BYE BIRMINGHAM" BY
JOHN RANDOLPH MARR PLAYING IN CAR]

- [SONG FADES OUT]
- [AIRCRAFT PASSING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[EXPLOSIONS]

Let her go! I can't lose you too!

[YELLING]

[WARFARE]

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ Hello L.A., bye, bye Birmingham ♪

[EXPLOSIONS]

[PANTING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

[EXPLOSIONS]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

[g*nf*re]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CRYING]

[LIGHTS SWITCH OFF]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[BAY DOOR CLOSING]

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ Hello L.A., bye, bye Birmingham ♪

- ♪ Hello! ♪
- SINGERS: ♪ L.A. ♪

- JOHN: ♪ Bye, bye Birmingham ♪
- SINGERS: ♪ Hello L.A. ♪

- ♪ Bye, bye Birmingham ♪
- ♪ Hello L.A. ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wake up, Bon... It's a desert.

Real American desert!

You love Westerns!

- [CHILD LAUGHING]
- [BELL RINGING]

["HANGIN' ON" BY THE CANTRELLS
PLAYING IN STORE]

Do you have any rice starch?

Nope. We got cornstarch.

'Cause this is America, not Japan.

[CUSTOMER CHUCKLES]

Can of cola, 88 cents...

CAPTAIN: And so it was
that Man, with his rice starch,

and I, with my cornstarch,

each of us wrote a coded letter

using a product
appropriate to our locale.

... and a kiiddy plane. That's 10.62.

CAPTAIN: I would send the letter
to my contact in Paris,

my so-called "Parisian Aunt",

and that contact would
relay it on to Man in Hanoi.

It comforted me to imagine
Man reading my letters

in his efficient new office.

[OFFICE PHONE RINGS]

["M*A*S*H" PLAYING ON TV]

"Ma chère tante,
Texas is scorchingly dry,

which helps to evaporate
any doubt I might have had

about leaving my home.

- Tragically"...
- CAPTAIN/MAN: ... "in our escape,

Bon lost his family".

MAN: "The rockets
from the savage commies

spared neither woman nor child.

They were both buried in Guam".

CAPTAIN: To form my coded message,

I'd scan that repulsive
book by Richard Hedd

to find the right words.

Once the word was found,
I'd make note of the page.

Then, like coordinates,

I'd count the line and the word.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[QUIETLY] Forty-two.

Six, six.

♪ ♪

The coded numbers
would reveal themselves

with a brush of iodine solution.

With three sets
of numbers for each word,

the sentences had to be concise.

Even Hemingway would've
had to restrain himself.

[QUIETLY COUNTING TO HIMSELF]

♪ ♪

REPORTER [ON TV]: In international news,

it has been two months now
since the fall of Saigon.

[BEDS VIBRATING LOUDLY]

CAPTAIN: Surrendering myself
to the merciless prodding

of the magic fingers
and the nightly news,

I couldn't help thinking
about the General

and that awful incident.

Wait, I'm sorry. I forgot.

[REWINDING]

REPORTER [ON TV]: Saigon,
April the 30th, eight o'clock.

CAPTAIN: I need to go
back to Fort Chaffee

and tell you about
the refugee camp in Arkansas,

where we first set foot
on the U.S. mainland.

REPORTER: The first North Vietnamese
troops entered the city,

packed into trucks that flew
the red and blue flag

of the Communist Provisional
Revolutionary Government.

General, perhaps the dress uniform
is not such a good idea.

GENERAL: My people have been
through a terrible ordeal.

Seeing their beloved General
in full dress-uniform

will make them feel
fortified and reassured.

Ah!

- [THUNDERING]
- Any word from Claude yet?

Uh, uh, my apologies,

but he did mention he'd get your family

settled in L.A. as soon as possible,

or the settlement agency
does have spots in Dallas.

GENERAL: No, I'm takin' my people
to sunny Los Angeles.

Filthy, filthy!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Look, there! Let me take
care of that vermin!

[GROANS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[FLY BUZZING]

♪ ♪

GENERAL: And you? Claude is
also sponsoring you, right?

CAPTAIN: I'm not a priority,
but in the meantime,

I've reached out to an old mentor
of mine in Los Angeles.

Don't worry, I'll catch up with
you out there before long.

You certainly will, but if by any
chance your mentor fails you,

reach out to me at once.

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
What do you think of America?

How are you settling in?

Are your dorms also leaking?

Looking good in your American clothes.

So, the food's good?

Ahh, Ms. Xuan?

How's the food?

Why don't you taste it!

How dare you wear that uniform!

Your corrupt army is why my son is dead!

- GENERAL: Ah!
- [COMMOTION]

Bring back my husband! You dead dog!

Bring back my son!

Get us out of this sh*thole!

You coward!

[YELLING]

[TENSE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[WIND BLOWING]

GENERAL: Cap, my cap!

You lied to us!

[MOB SHOUTING]

GENERAL: Get in! Get the f*ck in there!

Why on Earth are those women blaming me?

- [FLIES BUZZING]
- CAPTAIN: Maybe they received some misinformation.

What kind of misinformation?

About, about you and the organization.

How we lost through corruption
and incompetence.

How the enemy's revenge was
fueled by cruelty and t*rture.

Who? Who is spreading these lies?

You know how it is. Malcontents.

The-The people for whom
nothing's ever good enough.

Someone who knows me
very well is out to get me.

[SIGHS] General, these
women are just angry...

[CAPTAIN GAGGING]

- because of the maggots.
- Then why att*ck me?

Are you suggesting I am a maggot?

[CAPTAIN GROANS]

Then why else would
my people turn on me?

Unless someone has
infiltrated our ranks.

A saboteur, a sympathizer, a spy!

- A spy?
- A germ that stowed away on our plane!

But it was you who selected
the passengers,

and so you who is
gonna recheck that list

and report back to me
with everything you find.

A full security check.
Leave no stone unturned.

[MOB SHOUTING]

CAPTAIN: When the General's
paranoia is sparked,

the only way to keep safe

is to keep out of striking distance.

Fortunately, it wasn't long
before an answer came

from that professor of mine
from my college days

agreeing to sponsor me and Bon.

Perfect, I thought.

I'll go ahead and prepare a path

and the General's paranoia
will naturally dissipate.

Anyway, that's what
I believed, at the time.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LANA GRUNTS]

I don't know what to say, sir.

To get out before you,
it's really, uh...

Scouts are always needed.

[BON SNORING LIGHTLY]

[DISTANT CHANTING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Ah, what a blessing.

Thank you for defying time and nature.

How can it be, despite
the depredations of w*r,

that you're still the winsome
lad I remember?

So, presently,

I will introduce you to my secretary,

who will also be your boss.

Let's see how Ms. Mori responds
to my daily greeting.

Oh, konichiwa, Ms. Sofia
Mori-san. Ikaga desu ka?

- [SOFTLY] Watch, watch.
- SOFIA MORI: This is America.

If you don't wanna speak English,

go back to your own country.

But it's a privilege to have been
born a Japanese, Ms. Mori.

Please do learn a word of
your lovely language, for me.

- SOFIA: Mm.
- Dou itashimashite.

- [OFFICE PHONE RINGING]
- By the way, this is...

Oriental Studies Department,
Chairman's office.

I think he's busy right now.
Can I take a message?

- CAPTAIN: Wow. [CHUCKLES]
- Not bad, huh?

Quite the transformation
from a decade ago.

Do you remember this bottle?

You gave it to me as a thank you

when you returned home from Vietnam.

After my mother d*ed.

Feel grateful to you for
the ticket, by the way.

My pleasure.

Funny thing is, you have arrived
just in the nick of time.

Our foes are scheming to phase us out

and fold the department
into Asian-American studies,

God help us.

They say, they say we're
colonizers and imperialists.

I mean, they object to
the very word "Oriental"

which is derived from the
Latin "for the rising sun".

Right? So, pray tell me,

what is objectionable about the sunrise?

- I mean, you're Oriental.
- Well, half.

Well, exactly my point.

The perfect symbiosis
of Oriental and Occidental.

I'm not sure I see myself
that way. [CHUCKLES]

I have an idea.

And this will be good for you,

- dare I say, therapeutic.
- Therapeutic?

So, [CLEARS THROAT] on the left side,

I want you to make a list
of all your Oriental qualities.

And then with the right
side, make a list that

contradicts those qualities.

Right? So, all your Occidental ones.

Well, one can see the Oriental
side of you in your...

your snug little nose,

and yet the Occidental
side peeks through in those

lucid gray-green eyes.

Half-breeds are the future, my dear boy.

Oh, listen, I'm having a little
gathering tomorrow night,

little soiree courting potential
donors to our program.

I want you to come.

- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]
- Let's see.

Oh. A few gently worn
garments for your perusal.

Take them if you like.

Sorry, I don't mean to be
practically streaking.

Here's another little bag. And my...

And by the way, here's
my tailor's address.

If there's any alterations,
he's right there, sweet sir.

Um, I didn't think you'd
read this sorta book.

What sorta book?

r*cist rubbish.

- [LAUGHS]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

A reporter is here...

- PROFESSOR HAMMER: A reporter?
- ... for an interview.

I have an interview?

Did you feel the support and solidarity

of American student activists?

[SOFIA TYPING]

[CHUCKLES] Not so much.

STUDENT REPORTER: We were
all marching. Ya know, we,

we were on your side.

Really? And which side was that?

Uh... the side of the Vietnamese people.

Oh. Which people?

The people in the North
or the people in the South?

Well, all of them, I guess.

Guess we all look
the same after all, right?

I mean... I could be
Viet Cong for all ya know.

Undercover. How would you know?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS] I'm not, of
course. I love America.

[CHUCKLES]

So, did you k*ll anyone?

["I'VE GOT A HAPPY HEART"
BY SUSAN RAYE PLAYING]

♪ Just take a look around you ♪

♪ And you won't feel quite so sad ♪

♪ I've got a happy heart,
I feel like I could... ♪

CAPTAIN: With my own hands?

♪ I think if someone sh*t me
that I wouldn't... ♪

No. No, I never k*lled
anyone. [CHUCKLES]

STUDENT REPORTER: You were here
before as an exchange student.

How does it feel to come
back after 10 years?

CAPTAIN: I'm in exile from my home.

I feel like I've exchanged
hope for despair.

- [SOFIA TYPING]
- STUDENT REPORTER: Smile.

Excuse me, ma'am. C-Could you
clear frame, just for a second?

Change your frame, honey.

CAPTAIN: "Ma chère tante,

I have finally made it to Los Angeles,

where I now reside
in a quaint pied-à-terre

in the heart of the city.

Not convenient to anything
in particular, but neat.

I am still doing my best
to take care of Bon,

but it's not easy.

He barely speaks.

I hesitate to use such
language when writing to you,

but the m*therf*cker
won't even clean himself.

I'm talking filth layered
on filth to the point where..."

An assignment from Professor Hammer.

A list comparing my Oriental
and Occidental qualities.

Here. Let me give you an example.

The Occidental side of me is talkative.

Whereas the Oriental side is... What?

What do you think? Guess.

The Oriental side of me is... ?

Yeah, exactly.

That's the correct answer.

["SLOP" BY CHARLES MINGUS
PLAYING AT EVENT]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

♪ ♪

Are those chopsticks in your hair?

- f*ck off. Deviled egg?
- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

["I'VE GOT A HAPPY HEART" PLAYS]

["SLOP" RESUMES PLAYING]

Well, Professor Hammer's parties
always start off with these.

He likes to compare himself to an egg.

What, white on the outside,
yellow on the inside?

- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]
- "O Captain! My Captain!"

You made it! Fabulous! You look spiffy.

Everyone, this is the young
protégé I was telling you about.

His mother was Vietnamese;
his father was French.

Lovely combination, as you
can see, but complicated.

Isn't that right, dear boy?

If only you knew.

Well, I gave our young
Captain an assignment

to list his Occidental
and Oriental traits,

right, to see if he might
begin to untangle

the complex knot of contradictions

at the core of his psyche.

Why don't you share
your discovery with us?

Jeff, can we stop the music?

- We, we... Yeah, we...
- [MUSIC STOPS]

- [SILENCE]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT]

Contradiction.

The crux of the issue has always
been about the contradiction.

The, uh, Occidental side
of me sees contradiction

as something to overcome,

but the Oriental side
as something to endure.

[GUESTS MURMUR]

Hence, the Oriental side of me

is never afraid to accept contradiction

when faced by an unexpected
turn of events and say...

"I expected this".

But the Occidental side says,
"What? Why did this happen?"

and immediately begins to analyze.

[QUIET LAUGHTER]

The Oriental me...

feels...

- comfortable in a crowd...
- [MURMURS]

but the Occidental me is always
ready to take the stage.

I think in two frames of mind:

"Either/or" to the Occidental me

and "both/and" to the Oriental me.

So, accordingly, half of me
values independence

while the other half
appreciates interdependence.

[MURMURS]

Also, the Oriental side of...

Alright, I-I think we
all get the picture.

- That was great. Yeah, uh...
- [CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT]

Isn't he, isn't he great? Uh, Ms. Mori?

I'm sorry, I'm so distracted
with your kimono.

Do you mind? Come here. I'm sorry.

- It'll just take a sec.
- [GUESTS MURMURING]

See, the traditional Japanese,

the nape of the neck, unaji,

is one of the most erotic
parts of the human body.

Oh, and they loved exposing

their erotic parts
to complete strangers.

- [QUIET LAUGHTER]
- No, I-I'm just saying, you really should learn

- more about your heritage, that's all.
- Professor,

I am from Gardena.

No one asked JFK if he spoke Gaelic

and ate potatoes every night.

[LAUGHTER]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

["AT MIDNIGHT" BY PAUL LENART
& BILLY NOVICK PLAYING AT EVENT]

[AMBIENT NATURE SOUNDS]

CAPTAIN: He still acts like
a feudal lord. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, this is the '70s!

Was my unaji disappointing?

Were you not peeping
at it rather eagerly?

I couldn't stand up to him back there.

- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.

You play your part without a flaw.

I mean your Fresh Off the Boat role.

♪ ♪

You know you're very blunt?

It's not very "Oriental" of you.

I'm an American.

I see you.

I see how you act around
our dear Professor,

always smiling like the Good
Asian Student you used to be.

I recognize the suit.

♪ ♪

You wound me, Ms. Mori.
But I can take it.

When faced by an unexpected
turn of events,

I say,

"Huh... I expected this".

What are you concealing?

Oh.

Are you hungry?

[CLEARS THROAT] No, thanks.

SOFIA: Come on, try it.

Uh, not a fan of cephalopods.

- "Cephalopods"?!
- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

What is it with you?

You don't like eggs,
you don't eat squid.

SPEAKER: Tén ten.

Didn't you get the memo?

We Asians are supposed
to eat everything.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my.

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
A special treat from your father.

♪ ♪

I know I'm gonna regret
telling you this story.

Oh, embrace your Occidental side:

Confessing secrets is the most
exciting thing in the world.

[CHUCKLES]

So, my mother was making
squid as a special treat.

It wasn't until she had
cleaned the innards,

that she realized we
were out of fish sauce.

So off she went to the market

and I was left, negligently, all alone,

just me... and the squid.

SOFIA: You-You don't say?

Oh, sh*t. Is that even possible?

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[YOUNG CAPTAIN PANTING, MOANING]

♪ ♪

CAPTAIN: I marked my violated partner

to keep myself from mistakenly
eating it when cooked.

But even a 14-year-old boy should've
had the foresight to realize

that if I didn't eat it,
someone else would.

Which one should I go for?

- This one.
- Mom, no!

[GAGS]

["AT MIDNIGHT" CONTINUES]

- I'm sure some people would find the story...
- Disgusting.

You know what's disgusting?

Is the m*ssacre of three million people.

t*rture is disgusting. But masturbation?

Sure, I f*cked a squid and I enjoyed it.

I'm not ashamed.

I believe the world
would be a better place

if we blushed at the word "m*rder"

as much as we did at
the word "masturbation".

♪ ♪

I want you to be completely
honest with me.

Since then, how many squid
have you screwed?

[GROANS]

[GASPS] Squid fucker!
Oh, he's a squid fucker.

You kinky little bastard. [LAUGHS]

♪ No, I don't wanna love you ♪

["ANTI LOVE SONG" BY
BETTY DAVIS PLAYING]

- [MOANING]
- ♪ 'Cause I know how you are ♪

- [HEAVY BREATHING]
- [MOANING]

♪ That's why I haven't called you ♪

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
Here I must interject.

Exactly what kind of business
were you pursuing at this point?

Is it possible you were losing
sight of your mission?

Far from it.

On the contrary,

I was working very hard in my
first seven weeks in Los Angeles,

gathering information,
exploring inside and out,

and learning all I could...

[MOANING]

about the strange and bountiful
land I found myself in.

♪ ♪

[HEAVY BREATHING]

I dare say...

... never once did I forget
about my mission.

- [GRUNTING]
- [SONG CONCLUDES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

[SIGHS]

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Lana!

Welcome to Los Angeles, Madame.

Thank you.

CAPTAIN: General, welcome
to your new home.

[GENERAL SNORING LIGHTLY]

General?

[MADAME SIGHS]

Disgusting.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE] Over here, Major.

Why can none of you intelligence
officers find our house?

Ah, Madame!

And Captain!

Looks like I got the right place.

I've come to pay my respect
to the General.

The General?

Ah, the man who used to be the General?

What does he know of cooking?
Or cleaning house?

"The General" is out of commission.

Doing nothing but loafing
for the entire month

has left him depleted.

Do come back some other time.

[CRAPULENT MAJOR SNIFFING]

Durian!

I've been looking all over!

A Chinese market, is it?
I should check out that place.

My mother makes the most delicious
sticky rice with durian.

How is your mother?

Homesick, I'm afraid.

Aren't we all.

For you. A small taste of home.

Where did you get these?

Nobody sells them in this country.

Don't forget Ma'am,

that I was once an elite
agent of the Secret Police.

[VEHICLE HONKS]

GENERAL: Hey!

- Done yet?
- CAPTAIN: Done what?

What we talked about
at the camp. Goddamnit!

Haven't I told you to close it
when you're smoking?

I mean [QUIETLY] the spy.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

I've been thinkin' about
it, General, and, uh...

maybe there is no spy after all.

What are you talking about?
Of course, there is. Huh?

But how can you be sure?

Is there anybody back home
who could, mm, confirm this?

[LIGHT, TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

I was walking on the sidewalk

and you know what fell in front of me?

One of those toilet t*nk covers,

a white ceramic thing,
a f*cking heavy thing.

And that thing fell all the
way from the fifth floor.

Don't you get it?

An assassination attempt.

I'll look into it.

Don't just "look into it".

Hunt the traitor down,

deactivate the rebel activity.

♪ ♪

Neutralize the thr*at.
Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

♪ ♪

[QUIETLY] But I'm sure I can handle it.

- SOFIA: What?
- Huh?

You've been kinda distracted
these last few weeks.

["CAPRICHO ÁRABE" BY FRANCISCO
TÁRREGA PLAYING QUIETLY IN ROOM]

[BABY CRYING IN THE DISTANCE]

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- You're cool.

You're the coolest woman
in the whole world.

I know.

- I have a confession.
- Oh, I like confessions.

You know, you're a very good listener.

The slight wrinkling of
the eyes when you smile.

Oh, the encouraging nod.

You let people go on thinking

you're perfectly in agreement
with everything,

all without saying a word yourself.

[CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

- What's your mother like?
- Hm? My mother?

Hm.

My mother's gone.

Sorry.

She was from a small
village in the North,

couldn't go to school.

A very devout Catholic.

She could work miracles in the kitchen.

[CHUCKLES]

- Especially with a squid.
- With a squid?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

A good teacher to her son.

Doesn't sound like we have
a f*cking thing in common.

[CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

And yet they say, for a man
to be attracted to a woman,

she must share at least one big
thing in common with his mom.

- Maybe that's not true.
- Hm, maybe it is.

Trinh, a girl I dated back in Saigon...

she would pronounce her
vowels just like my mother.

And Nicole...

my girlfriend when I
studied in the States,

she, uh, she had these long
fingers just like my mom.

And you, you and my mother...

you share this...

surreptitious sense of optimism,

which is foolish and yet lavish.

- Ms. Mori... I think...
- Sofia.

We've been f*cking for a while now.

Sofia...

I think I'm falling in love with you.

You sneak. You stole my confession.

Listen, if we get involved...

- Aren't we already involved?
- Emotionally involved...

you and I are f*cking.

I'm 46 years old.

I've done things my way my whole life.

I am not about to change now.

Fall in love at your peril

'cause the only kind of love
I believe in is free love.

In other words, this love...

is free.

[CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

[KEYS JINGLING]

Oh, hello there.

Uh, this is Bon.

Oh, blood brother.

- [AMBIENT STREET NOISE]
- [OUTSIDE CHATTER]

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CAPTAIN SIGHS]

Thought you were grabbing
a drink with Hao?

- I didn't go.
- Why?

Because the General...

What? The General, what?

He asked for help.

He... what? From you?

For the store he's opening.

He had you shopping?

For his store.

His liquor store!

Oh, uh, so apparently, our General

is opening a liquor store. [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

♪ ♪

"Focus. Don't ever
underestimate the General.

Remember how he swallowed
his contempt for your mixed race

when he knew he could use you?

He'll do whatever it
takes to get his way.

You wrote him off, big mistake.

We're tracking communications
with his contacts.

Be careful, my friend".

Who could know me so well?

You've never ex*cuted
someone in the street...

- have you?
- No, I'm not saying I've done such a thing,

but the nature of what we
were doing back in Saigon...

How could you be so slow?

Uh, it... it's written in English.

It could just be some r*cist assh*le.

No, someone continues

to deliberately undermine
me at every turn.

It could just be the Armenian

from the liquor store at the corner.

Oh, you're saying the Armenian
liquor store owner in L.A.

conspired against me

and had the women
at the camp in Arkansas

throw a slipper at me?

Uh...

Today is your one chance
to reestablish my leadership

as my Chief of Communications.

I'm sorry?

I just appointed you.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Get the g*n!

♪ ♪

- [DOOR BELL RINGS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Hey.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

♪ ♪

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

[CAMERA CLICKS]

How can they be so happy?

How can they be so cheery
about abandoning their homeland

like cowards and coming here?

Once, they were soldiers!

Keep it down.

And why is that fucker so fat?

["HAI CÁNH PHUONG BUON" BY
TRUONG HAI PLAYING IN STORE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

He was always fat.

But not that fat.

CRAPULENT MAJOR: Smile!

Come on, man!

What're all these photos for?

What's so great about this party
for a bunch of cowards?

The General gave me an order.

♪ ♪

Smile, you assh*le!

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Come on, Bon...

The General said this party's
going to be the bedrock

upon which we build our
second homeland in America.

JOURNALIST: There's no such
thing as a second homeland.

A homeland is a homeland
because there's only one of them.

My, my, it's Tran Thuyet Son.

- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]
- Wow.

It's been a while since
someone's said my name

with such a perfect accent.

But I go by Sonny now.

Oh! Like, Sonny Bono?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Last time I saw you was when?

That seminar for the
Vietnamese student council?

- Where we had a difference of opinion...
- Where we had an argument

about the Ho Chi Minh quote,

"Nothing is more precious

than independence and freedom",

and its application
vis-à-vis our nation.

You know, I remember you
getting all worked up

and screaming, "Nothing! Nothing!"
and tossing your textbook.

[FAKE LAUGH]

You broke the spine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know what? Back then,

I thought of you as a
CIA scholarship student.

[CHUCKLES] Very funny.

So, what brings you here?

Skipping the monsoon season
to enjoy some California sun?

Yeah... I admit.
My side lost. Happy now?

Well, I might not be exactly happy,

but I think they'll have a sh*t
at independence and freedom

now that America's finally pulled out.

Well, then, how about you go back
to rebuild the country with them?

[LAUGHS] That's right.
You're an American now.

No offense.

I believe I have every right to have
opinions about my homeland.

I'm as Vietnamese as you are.

- Oh, what, because you kept your surname?
- Arguably...

I'm more Vietnamese than you.

You know, biologically... No offense.

- ["HON TRÁCH" BY TUAN HAI PLAYING IN STORE]
- [CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT]

So, what brings you here?

Human-interest story.

No story's too small.

By the way, uh, the name.

I get his patriotism, but in America,

"yellow" means nothing good, like urine.

For an Asian shopkeeper, he's, uh,

kind of sh**ting himself in the foot.

Just don't bring that up
with the General.

Well, I should get some quotes.

♪ ♪

There's more where this came from.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CROWD MURMURING]

I know there have been
moments of discouragement.

How do I know?

Because I have been there with you.

You've all heard the gossip and
I'm not going to deny it.

Since arriving in this country...

I've been... how should I put it,
"Adrift"... from morning to night.

But finally my wife said something,
and it hit me hard.

I opened the trash cans to throw
out my bottles of liquor,

but then it struck me...
that would be a waste.

And now you see the logical
consequence of that revelation.

Throw away the habit...
but not the bottles.

[LAUGHTER]

So what did my wife say that day?

She said...

"Darling... remember who you are".

- Hm?
- [APPLAUSE]

Our army lost.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

Mm-hmm.

Any other rats want to jump ship?

This ship isn't sinking, Sir.

[LAUGHTER]

You've probably seen the
malicious scribbling

on the wall of this establishment.

Once again the image from
this notorious photograph

is being used against us,

to make us look like butchers!

That is how America sees us.

But we know it's a lie!

We know the man being
sh*t was a m*rder*r.

And now one of our own...

Is using this image
to sell the same lie!

Exterminate the cockroach!

k*ll the viper!

Obliterate the vermin!

Cut his throat!

Slit the mole's throat!

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHANTING]

Slit the mole's throat!

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[QUIET CHATTER]

Who do you think it is?

Who what?

Why do you think we're waiting here?!

The spy, I mean the spy.

I don't care.

Obviously.

But whoever it is,
he needs to be k*lled.

Thank you for your lengthy reply.

[CAPTAIN SIGHS]

[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Well, here we are now, huh?
- [CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

No, I-I, uh, watched the
news of the last helicopter

taking off from the U.S.
compound over and over...

- Yeah.
- ... hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't
reach out to you.

It's just, you know, the, the evacuation

left me considerably f*cked.

I couldn't bring Y Vi.

Oh.

Dammit, her house was empty.

I whizzed around the district

on the General's Harley.

I was lookin' for her, every street,

every nook, cranny,
alley, uh... no avail.

Last chopper was about to depart...

[EMOTIONAL] I haven't cried
over a girl in 30 years.

But, g*dd*mn Y Vi.

- Sorry to hear that.
- [CLAUDE SIGHS]

So... it's been quite the shitshow

with, you know, your colleagues

flingin' dirt at each other.

Only the spy says there's no spy.

[CURIOUS, TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Look at this gift Claude gave me.

... 44 Auto Mag.

[GENERAL EXHALES]

CLAUDE: Anybody object to
a little celebratory pop?

- Looks like you could use it.
- Mm.

[CLAUDE POURING DRINK]

♪ ♪

It's Major Oanh.

Oanh?

A spy?

Which one of the two
Oanhs? The "chopstick"?

The "dumpling".

The fat Oanh?

Yes.

GENERAL: And where would
you get this idea?

Well, you see, uh, he's involved
in some kind of business.

What kinda business?

Uh, I think it has somethin'
to do with, with candy.

Candy?

CAPTAIN: This means he's got
contacts back in Saigon.

He confessed that he used his
background from the Secret Police

in order to obtain them.

Fat Oanh, receiving innocuous candies.

Which no one would ever suspect.

CLAUDE: Uh, his father's
people come from China.

GENERAL: Which everybody knows
you can't trust that particular breed.

[CRUNCHING]

Doesn't taste like a message.

But again, he's too fat to be a spy.

Mm. Maybe, maybe.

And there are plus sides to a
spy who looks disarming, so...

Hard to say. I guess we
could check with Saigon.

Oop.

[CLAUDE CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

Believe it or not, your
name came up once.

Really?

- [LAUGHTER]
- That-That's funny, right?

[CHUCKLING] It's very funny.

GENERAL: Hm.

[CLAUDE WHISTLING]

So, uh, by the way, how's Professor
Hammer treatin' you? Well?

- Uh, sure.
- Great.

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Why didn't you get the General's family

out of the refugee camp sooner?

- [CLAUDE SIGHS]
- He was waiting by the phone.

Yeah, I know. I don't know.

Wanted him to be grateful to America.

Sometimes, it's good to remind
people how much they owe you.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Night, kid.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[KISSING, MOANING]

[OFFICE PHONE RINGING]

- CAPTAIN: Don't worry about it.
- SOFIA: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- CAPTAIN: Just ignore it. It'll be fine.
- SOFIA: No... [LAUGHS]

I'm still on duty. Stop!

Jeez.

Oriental Studies Department,
Chairman's office.

Yes, right.

Yes. One second.

He says he's your boss?

- What?
- Thought I was.

[CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

Hello?

GENERAL [OVER PHONE]: Remember
our Chinese friend, huh?

The one with the sweet tooth?

Well, I did a little probing,

and it seems his relatives
back home are safe

and doing rather well!

Meanwhile, all of our relatives
have been imprisoned

in the so-called "re-education" camps!

We are starving and dying!

- Do your job!
- [HANGS UP]

[MYSTERIOUS JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

Finish him, for f*ck's sake.

You idiot, that's not how you s*ab!

Faster!

Die!

[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]

Eat.

I'm not hungry.

You have to eat.

I don't have to do anything.

If you don't eat, you'll get sick.

Then I'll die. Move.

When was the last time you showered?

I don't recall.

Has the General mentioned your smell?

Never. Move.

You stink like a rat.

Maybe you should have
a little consideration

for the person you're living with?

Right, like you had when you came here
to bang that Japanese woman?

Or Chinese or korean.
Or whatever she is.

That's...

That's a private matter!

I put up with you doing that sh*t
in front of my wife and my boy.

... not here.

We did it...

... in the bedroom!

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING]

[HAMMERING]

♪ ♪

[CRYING]

Bon.

Bon, we have to go.

We're leaving.

Bon, listen...

♪ ♪

Listen.

I need your help.

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

Major Oanh's a mole.

Says who?

Says the General.

Which Oanh? The dumpling?

["DO I MOVE YOU?" BY
NINA SIMONE PLAYING]

Should I k*ll the Major?

- [SIREN WAILING]
- ♪ Do I groove you ♪

Now that... I can help you with.

♪ Do I soothe you? ♪

♪ Tell the truth now ♪

♪ Do I move you? ♪

♪ Are you loose now? ♪

♪ The answer better be yes, yes ♪

♪ That pleases me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Are you ready ♪

♪ For this action? ♪

♪ Does it give you ♪

♪ Satisfaction? ♪

♪ Are you hip to what I'm sayin'? ♪

♪ If you are ♪

♪ Then let's start swayin' ♪

♪ The answer better be yes, yes ♪

♪ Great God almighty ♪

♪ That pleases me ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

[SONG CONCLUDES]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[MUSIC FADES OUT]