03x09 - The Traveling Agent

[bunniefuu]

PETE: Ah, so you guys are

looking to plan a honeymoon
in the Hudson Valley, huh?

Specifically, on this property
to which we are all bound, yes.

Great choice. And you've come

to the right travel agent, my friends.

Because I believe I can get you

into the most exclusive suite

on the whole property...
Sam and Jay's room.

- Well, that's intriguing.
- Yeah.

Now, we'd have to wait until next month

- when they're out of town, but...
- [BUZZING]

Hold on, is that a bee?

Ugh! What is happening?

[SHOUTS]

They fly right through us, Peter.

But hot honey mustard,
he won't leave me alone!

Ah! [PANTS]

I think it's gone.

What? Is it on my arrow?

Peter...

... you've crossed the ghost boundary.

Wha...

M-Maybe the boundary changed?

Holy Toledo.

I can cross the ghost boundary.

Is that my ghost power?

And I still have the fart thing.

♪

Pete, this is incredible!

Hold up. So you're
telling me in all this time

you've never tried
to leave the property?

When I d*ed, I was told we couldn't.

And I'm one of those guys,

you tell me I can't do
something, I say, "Okay."

This is a game changer.
You could go anywhere.

Pizza Hut, Domino's...

You can go to exotic, far-off lands,

like whatever is west of Michigan.

Oh, the places I'd go,
the people I'd meet.

You'd never see old Higgintoot again.

Hello...

Oh! [CHUCKLES] If I didn't have

everything I need
right here at Woodstone.

PETE: You know what? I'm good.

I don't really need to go anywhere.

Pete, what are you talking about?

You've been given this gift
and you're not gonna use it?

Don't you want to get out of here?

I like it here. I'm comfortable.

And we don't even know the
rules with this new power.

I mean, what if I get amnesia
when I cross a state line?

Or grow a second head? A mean head?

Peter, get ahold of yourself.

How can this super cool power

make him seem even more lame?

Don't you want to see your daughter

or your-your grandson?

Of course, if I was to go anywhere,

that'd be the first place I'd go.

But they're all the
way out in Philadelphia.

I mean, I am not going that far.

They're actually not
there right now anyway.

According to the latest
Martino family newsletter,

they just left for a
two-week trip to Saint Lucia.

Wow. Good for Laura.

And smart to book in the offseason.

I bet she got a great rate.
[CHUCKLES] That's my girl.

Hey, hon, I'm going to Deal Mart

to get those cheap tiny
soaps that we tell the guests

- are fancy tiny soaps.
- SAMANTHA: Guess what?

Pete discovered his ghost power.

He can leave the property.

Pete! My man. [STAMMERS]
Is he out the door already?

SAMANTHA: He actually
doesn't want to leave.

He says he likes it here.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

We got a Shawshank situation.

Is there any circumstance

to which Jay will not apply that movie?

It's like his Talmud.

Pete's been institutionalized, babe.

He's been here so long,

he's afraid of the outside world.

Yeah, Jay gets it.

He's not saying that
as a good thing, Pete.

Why don't we start you small?

- You can go to Deal Mart with Jay.
- JAY: Great idea.

I'd love to spend the day

- with my favorite invisible bro.
- I don't know...

You're afraid of running errands?

You sound like my butler during
the consumption outbreak of '84.

Come on, Peter. Don't be a dork.

Am I using that pejorative correctly?

Oof, when Nigel's slamming you...

Okay, fine. I'll go. Okay? Happy?

Let's go run some errands. Whoop-de-do!

Yes! He's in, Jay.

All right, great. Come on, Pete.

Here we go. Come on, buddy!

Dude, we're not pets.

[WHISTLING]

ALBERTA: Oh, man, you two
look really happy to be reunited.

It's like my heart
find its missing piece.

And loins also find their missing piece.

- Aw. Big ole softie. [CHUCKLING]
- [GROANS]

I'm gonna go smell Jay's spice rack.

It's what I missed second-most
while I was in the well.

[LAUGHS]

- Owls.
- Owls.

It's just so deeply weird.

- [GROANS]
- Thor, you okay?

Thor feel guilty about
something he not tell Flower.

Is it that you slept
with Pete's widow Carol?

Hmm. Should probably mention that, too.

Even though that was
hero move to help Pete.

Where is Carol? I haven't
seen her in a while.

Oh, I heard she moved downstairs

and is getting busy with
one of the basement ghosts.

No, no, no. You're way behind.

She has since moved to the shed

and is now shacking up
with, wait for it... Baxter.

- The fife guy?
- TREVOR: Oh.

Ooh, she is tearing her way
through Woodstone. [CHUCKLES]

Wait a second, Thor.
If it's not about Carol,

what are you feeling guilty about?

As you know,

Thor thought Flower sucked off.

So for a moon or so,

Thor been...

laying with...

... Nancy.

Potato sack Nancy?

A basement ghost, huh?

I'm not gonna lie,
I've thought about it.

They're all nuts,

and you know what they
say about crazy chicks.

They possessed by Fenrir, yes.

- Huh?
- ALBERTA: Thor,

you have to come clean to your girl.

No. Deny, deny, deny.

Listen, as someone who's
been lied to by an ex,

honesty is the best policy.

Thor trust Alberta's brain more
than Thor trusts Trevor's brain,

even though Alberta's
brain covered in ugly hat.

Really don't like taking hat flack

from a guy who wore a metal one

- in a lightning storm.
- [GROANS]

Thor tell Flower everything.

Now, so you all wondering why

Thor keep fling with
basement ghost secret...

- No need.
- No, no.

- You don't have to explain that one.
- It makes sense.

Complete sense.

Welcome to Deal Mart, Pete.

You are gonna love it here.

Everything you can imagine,

and in quantities only doomsday preppers

or youth centers could ever need.

Good grape juice! This place is huge.

This is like JCPenney on steroids.

I bet the pharmacy aisle
blew your mind. Oof.

There've been a lot of innovations

in cold medication since your time.

And yet, nothing for
adults in bubblegum flavor.

Still.

Bluetooth.

- Oh.
- Man alive, I feel like Sam.

Hold the phone.

Five blades in one razor?

There's literally no way
you could have more...

Oh, my gosh, six!

Okay, you've got to be a ghost.

How did you... Oh, right. The arrow.

I was m*rder*d by a little girl.

Where? In Sporting Goods?

I haven't seen any paramedics yet.

Did it just happen?

Oh, no, no, no. I-I d*ed back in '85.

But bless your heart.

Just love that I can
pass for newly dead.

I'm so confused. How are you here?

Oh, right. I guess I better get
pretty used to explaining this.

I just found out my ghost power is

I can roam wherever I want.

Wow, that's incredible.

My ghost power is making people forget

why they walked into an aisle.

Oh.

I'm Mike, by the way.
And this here's Gloria.

We were trampled to death
on Black Friday in 2005.

We both went for the last big screen TV.

I got it.

Well, I'm Pete Martino. [CHUCKLES]

Anywho, nice to meet you,
but I got to make sure

- I stick with my ride.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Jay?

Jay!

MIKE: I got this.

Wait...

- What do I need in this aisle?
- [SNAPS FINGERS]

Got her.

There is something Thor
need to get off chest.

Besides armor. [LAUGHS]

- Small joke to begin.
- Wait.

There's something I
need to tell you, too.

Thor, my time in the well...

... it was cold, dark and lonely.

Must have been hard for Flower.

It was hard.

There were times I was
ready to give up hope.

But do you know what gave me strength?

Leg squats?

Thor's been watching a lot of
Hard Knocks recently.

You, Thor.

I remembered that you
would never give up on me,

and when I finally got out,
you would be here, waiting,

ready to resume our
beautiful relationship.

Mm-hmm.

But, as alone as I felt,

I know you must have felt just as alone.

Now what did you want to tell me?

Okay. Thor...

want to tell you...

that...

Jay make cheesecake
last Tuesday. [LAUGHING]

It's like regular cake
but with cheese, yes.

Mm.

Thor, this is something you can just

kind of casually drop in a conversation.

It doesn't really need all the buildup.

[HONKS HORN] We're back!

See? That wasn't so bad, was it, Pete?

Uh, Pete's not in this car.

Oh, and no need to tell
Sam about that stop sign

that I accidentally ran through.

Come on, buddy. Let's get inside.

Oh, my God, he lost Pete.

What do you mean Pete
isn't with me? Where is he?

I don't know, Jay. You're
the one who lost him.

- I can't see him!
- Oh, I'm panicking.

Pete's too soft for this world.

He must be so scared right now.

And to think Alberta
talked him into this.

We were all on board!

You were sort of driving the train.

Okay. Let's not panic.

We'll just go back to Deal Mart.

He's probably still there.

Right. Or, um, one of
several other places.

Wait, how many places did you go?

Well, I started at Deal
Mart. Then the gas station.

And then the comic book store,
which was on the way to Sonic.

You went to Sonic?

Yes. And then I went to a second Sonic

because the first one's
milkshake machine was broken.

Great. So we've narrowed
down Pete's location

to the entire Hudson Valley.

All right, we need to get moving.

Okay, but fair warning,

when you go to the car,
there's some trash from Wendy's.

That is from yesterday.

That has nothing to do with Pete.

In retrospect, perhaps it was wrong

to place all our trust in this man.

And let history not forget

the role Alberta played in all of this.

You really want to talk
about history, Isaac?

[CLICKS TONGUE] C-certain parts.

Oh, God. It's almost
time to smell dinner!

They're coming back for me, right?

Sure they are, kid.

What... what's going on?

I was hoping you'd be gone by now.

Store's closed, Pete.

Deal Mart after dark.
It's a whole nother store.

- Huh?
- BUTCHER: So, it's true?

We got fresh meat?

I appreciate you appear to be a butcher

and you're making a meat pun,

but I'm getting kind of scared.

When the lights go out, they fight.

[QUIETLY]: I don't want to fight.

New fish has to fight.

I'm not fish or-or meat.

Although, right now I am
feeling kind of chicken.

Just try to prove yourself, Pete.

Otherwise, they'll keep
ripping you into pieces

and letting you reform

- over and over again.
- I don't like that.

[ALL CHANTING]: New fish. New fish.

- New fish.
- Just run Pete.

- I'll block them.
- But where will I go?

Anywhere but here. Just go!

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

Thank you.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

- New fish. New fish.
- [SCREAMS]

Not again.

New fish. New...

So, what did you want to
talk to me about, Thor?

As you know, my girlfriend Flower's

- back from the well, so... this, uh...
- Yeah.

... it must end.

And, uh, should be easy since
this mean nothing to both of us.

Totally.

I mean, I can't read,

- but same page.
- And, furthermore,

it would be nice if, uh,
you not tell anyone about,

uh, us. Thor think that it
might hurt Flower's feelings

if she find out that

I seek solace in the arms of

- basement dweller.
- Sure.

Wouldn't want anyone's
feelings to get hurt.

Great. And, uh,

good talk. [LAUGHS]

Well, here's the deal.

You want me to keep
silent about our bone fest,

it's gonna cost you.

Cost Thor how?

Oh... [LAUGHS]

You'll see.

You'll see.

I actually need to go this way.

[BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY]

Okay, I just need to get my bearings

and figure out where I am.

I know this town.

Heck, I grew up here.

Barack Obama Ave. and Eli Manning Way?

Who are they?! [CRYING]

[SCREAMS]

What are you?

Wait, stop following me.

Stop following me, you R2-D2 from hell!

[SCREAMING]

TREVOR: All right, Thor.

It's your TV time. [SIGHS]

Which episode of Vikings
will we be enjoying tonight?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thor want to watch... This Old House.

Really?

Yes, there is episode where they focus

on water heater repair,

which Thor... enjoy very much.

That sounds good.

Great choice, Thor.

Wish I had a seat, though.

Okay. [CHUCKLES] Take mine. Yes.

Why are you being so nice
to that basement dweller?

Thor is nice.

Is main thing about Thor.

Really? 'Cause you mainly
talk about beheading people

and ripping their throats out.

Quick death is its own form of kindness.

Well, we retraced Jay's
steps, and still no Pete.

Oh, no, poor Pete. Did
you look everywhere?

Yes. We went to six
stores, one gas station,

and a previously undisclosed Sonic.

That location is good for fries.

They all have different strengths.

You are a chef, sir.

This guy's living my best life.

I'm sorry, everyone. I
didn't mean to lose him.

I-I do think it's worth
noting one last time

that I cannot see him

because it still seems very germane.

Well, I'm back.

[ALL CHEERING] Pete!

- Oh, my God! Jay, Pete's back.
- What? Seriously?

- [LAUGHS] Oh!
- Get away from me.

Pete.

I told you all I didn't want to venture

out of the house, and
none of you respected that.

You bullied me into leaving,
and guess what? I was right.

But, on the bright side,
you did make it back.

Barely. You guys have no
idea what I went through.

This was the worst night of my life.

- Oh...
- PETE: Oh,

and thanks for telling me the
robots have taken over, Sam.

Real helpful.

It's just so good to have you back, bud.

See? Everything worked out, Sam.

High five.

What is that delectable aroma?

SAMANTHA: Pete's still
refusing to talk to us,

so we're having Jay lay
down a scent trap for him.

Is that him? Is he in here?

Yeah, Jay, she just told Pete

that Pete's refusing to talk to us.

Come on, Jay. Context clues.

Sometimes, I think he doesn't even try.

PETE: [SNIFFS] Mmm...

Oh, is that a little
nose poking through?

That's it. We got
s'mores for you to smell.

I'm still mad,

but me turning down a
gooey marshmallow sniff

isn't helping anybody.

Oh, that's toasty.

Pete, what happened to you out there?

Deal Mart After Dark is what happened.

I mean, when the lights are on,

it's all low, low
prices and free samples,

but then, it takes a turn,

and Gloria's getting trampled
so I don't have to fight

a butcher with a cleaver in his head.

What's happening?

It's honestly hard to say.

I found myself alone and scared

and being chased by some sort of droid

that smelled like burritos.

So how did you get home?

Well, luckily, from my
alive days, I remembered

that the bus station was
at the north end of town,

so I used the stars to guide me there.

Then, I mapped out a bus route

with the fewest transfers
and lowest fares.

Why the lowest fare?

Because I was already stealing,

I didn't want to make things worse.

Sam, could you actually send

the transit authority
$1.25 when you get a chance?

HETTY: Peter, don't you see?

You used your scouting
and travel agent skills...

two things that, up until this moment,

seemed completely worthless...
to get yourself home.

Now, that's remarkable.

Yeah, I-I know you were scared,

but no one else could do that.

I mean, I could probably have done it.

Describe a bus.

Give me a minute.

Bus...

Pete, maybe there's a reason
you were given this power.

Think about it, you were a travel agent

that never traveled anywhere.

- That's kind of weird.
- Well, I was always busy

planning travel for other people.

Plus, looking at a pamphlet

can be just as good as going somewhere.

You wouldn't believe

this brochure for Bali I saw one time.

All of the sights without the sunburn,

jet lag, or aggressive monkeys.

Peter, it seems like you never traveled

because you were afraid.

Of the monkeys? Of course I was.

They bite and steal sunglasses.

No, afraid of living.

When you were alive, you
were always playing it safe,

and still ended up with
an arrow in the neck,

but now, you're being
given another chance.

At the very least, do it for
us. We can't go anywhere exotic.

For God's sake, Nigel and
Isaac are planning to honeymoon

- in Samantha and Jay's room.
- What?

Think about all the amazing
experiences you get to have.

I know I for one can't wait to hear

all your stories when you get back.

I guess there is some
place I'd like to go.

Got it. Bus is the big
red one with the hose.

- That's a firetruck, man.
- Damn it.

[CLEARS THROAT] Flower, uh,

Thor have something
Thor want to tell you,

and want Nancyto hear.

Okay.

While you were away in well,

Thor seek solace in arms of Nancy

and also in...

loins of Nancy.

Oh... what are you doing, Thor?

Taking back power.

So, Flower,

what you say?

Well, you did think I
was gone forever, I guess.

Yes! Is very important point.

- Well said.
- Yeah.

And I am glad you were sexually sated,

so thank you for that, Nancy.

[LAUGHS] Yes.

You are one cool chick.

- Oh, Thor, you got yourself a good one.
- [LAUGHS]

And don't worry,

it was completely
meaningless for both of us.

No feelings on either side.

I don't know about
completely meaningless.

What are you saying, Nancy?

Well, I'm saying I was happy

that you got rescued,

but, if we're being totally honest,

I was having fun with Thor,

and it didn't feel
great when he asked me

to act like none of this had happened,

like I didn't even count.

Thor, you said that to her?

[CHUCKLES]

I can't believe you.

That is so rude to Nancy.

Why you mad at Thor? She's
the one blackmailing me.

Because I was hurt.

Yeah,

I dress in a potato sack,

but I have feelings.

If you cut me, do I not bleed?

Well, I don't. I mean, none of us do,

but you get what I'm saying.

Okay, Thor not want it
to come to this, but...

... Thor apologize,

which, as we all know, solve
everything with no consequence.

I don't think so, Thor.

So what does that mean for us?

I don't know.

I have to think about it.

Flower?

SAMANTHA: So, how did everything go?

[SIGHS] Well, I stopped
the car, I waited for a bit,

and I'm fairly confident
that he got out.

[SIGHS] Scary. Feels like
sending a kid off to college.

Is it weird that I miss him already?

The house feels so empty without him.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Yeah. So quiet.

I do hope everything goes okay for Pete.

This is gonna be good for him.

ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: Now
boarding, Flight 709 to Saint Lucia.

I'm going to meet my family.

Trip of a lifetime. [CHUCKLES]

I know you can't hear me,
but I'm just so excited.

Um, e-excuse me, sir.
I-I don't have a ticket,

but a woman named
Samantha has promised me

she'll send you $500.

Have a nice day. Thanks for the ride.

Thor, we have a proposal for you.

Okay.

As you know, I care about you,

and I know you care about me.

- Is true.
- But Nancy also cares about you,

and I think you might
care about her, too.

At least on a superficial boning level?

Will allow. Sure.

Furthermore, you know that
I have an extensive history

with polyamorous relationships.

I think I know where this is going.

So, what I'm thinking is,

the three of us... you, me, and Nancy...

all form a throuple.

And before you answer,

just know that I am deeply in.

[SIGHS] She's a beautiful soul.

- I'm a team player.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

And as far as us just
being in two-person thing?

Not currently on the table.

Okay.

Well, I guess we are...

throuple now.

- Yay!
- Yeah.

Okay. Uh, yeah, you g...

- And then I'll... Yeah, okay.
- FLOWER: Right there. Uh-huh.

[LAUGHS] And then I'll do... Yeah.

Oh. Ooh. Yeah. [MOANS]

This is gonna be a train wreck.

Full disclosure, I also
slept with Pete's widow Carol.

Me, too.