02x04 - Big Dogs and Mini Horses

[bunniefuu]

RSVP's to the Patel/Shred Escrow
Closing Party keep rollin' in.

Oh, people are excited to celebrate

your foolish financial decisions.

Well, are you coming? 'Cause
we'd love to see you there.

You know, I'm torn between not going

and making up a lame
excuse for not going.

You gotta come!

How's it gonna look if my own
partner doesn't show up?

Like I don't wanna plummet

through loose floor boards to my death.

Huh.

Huh?

[QUIZZICAL GROWL]

We gotta pull this guy over, right?

This is why we need a siren.

Not a stupid fluorescent car decal.

No one's stopping for a decal!

- It's true.
- [HONKS HORN]

Pull over!

Pull over!

Hey. Paws where I can see 'em.

At risk of wildly offending your wife,

why is the dog driving your car?

It's okay, I have a license.

To commit the most complicated
su1c1de of all time?

It's a driverless car.

Balthazar just likes the front seat.

Of course. Then he can
control the stereo.

Here you go. There is
literally nothing we can do,

so have a nice day.

Huh. The future really
sneaks up on you, huh?

Mm-hmm.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

♪

♪

Hey, Terry.

That would go a lot faster
if you used a pitchfork.

This jerk did something
with my car keys.

I've been off for an hour.

Is there a guy bringing
in a Komodo dragon?

I only got his street name. Perbindish.

I ran it through Google Translate.

It's Albanian for "monster".

Why would they call him Monster, Frank?

- Out of all the names.
- I know you're scared,

but there are a lot of
animals in jeopardy.

So, if I can talk to Monster,

he can tell me where he got his dragon.

And by the way, never
trust Google Translate.

He's coming in later.

I'll text you.

I knew there was a hero underneath
that straw and flop sweat.

Oh, got your car keys.

I think he chucked them out the window.

You son of a bitch.

Everyone, reminder!

Big shindig tonight

'cause we've officially
closed escrow on the house.

- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
- That's right. The timing's perfect

because the fumigators
are coming tomorrow.

- So we're going off tonight!
- Yeah, we are!

And hey, just a quick heads up,

there's no running water at the house,

so if you need to use the bathroom,

you'll have to go to the Happy
Burger down the street

and you will need to make a purchase.

So just, you know, buddy
system, go in pairs.

- Or maybe just, you know, hold it.
- Also, we need ice.

- See you tonight!
- Bring your own ice!

- [PATEL] Real ice shortage.
- [SHRED] See you tonight!

Hey, you know the odds of passing
your citizenship test go up

if you actually open
up the old study guide.

Yeah, but I'm gonna find a loop hole

to get me out of all the study.

Short cuts and laziness.
Spoken like a true American.

I was thinking about
getting some cheeses.

What's that swishing noise?

[SWISHING]

It's ride-along day, people!

- [QUIET MUMBLING]
- What's that?

What? It's so fun when I
ride with you guys, right?

So, uh, who are you
thinking about going with?

Not sure whether this
factors into your decision,

but, um, Patel had Mexican for dinner.

Also, I had Chinese for breakfast,

so it's like a real clash
of cultures down there.

[EMILY] Come on.

Hey, I made a playlist, and it is good.

Please, I'm begging you. Just tell us.

Okay, um... drumroll.

[DRUMROLL PLAYS]

- Frank and Shred.
- [GROANS] Oh, come on!

Shred, come on. We gotta
move your booster seat.

It'll be great. I'll see you out there.

Hey, I'm not that bad
in the truck, am I?

You're a bit of a stickler.

What? I hate that word.

I mean, the whole point of a ride-along

is to make sure you're
following protocol.

It's a quarterly mandate.

Yeah, it's just sometimes you
gotta let the small stuff slide.

Ooff. That small stuff
becomes big stuff.

- Yeah.
- I heard that.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I heard that. And I hear you.

I will make an effort to be more chill.

- Okay.
- The last thing I need

is Emily in the truck today.

Terry's got a Komodo dragon coming in.

Oh, did you tell Terry about the party?

- Terry, my criminal informant?
- Uh-huh.

Somehow your party did not come up.

Alright, well, tell him. You know?

The more, the merrier.

And bring ice, because I still
think we're gonna be low.

Are you okay with Emily
in the truck today?

I mean, you do know that
she's probably gonna smell

- like Rick's cologne.
- I'll be fine.

We're actually in a really good place.

We're just friends and that's okay.

And I'm just dating myself right now,

and I like my choice in men.

Wow, you are really beginning
to fray at the edges, my friend.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, I had to get a
Band-Aid for my neck

'cause I think the collar nicked me

when I was doing all that swishing.

Is it cool if I ride up front?

Do we have a choice?

- No.
- [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

I'll sit in the middle,
you don't have to move.

Alright. Well, go right ahead.

Just hop in.

- Okay.
- There you go.

Seat belts.

Okay, check this out.

If I can't take the test,

there are other ways
I can get citizenship.

Yes, that's what we need.

- We need another way.
- I could be an interpreter.

Nope, not gonna work.
Not with that accent.

I can't even understand what
you're saying half the time.

No way!

See? Right there I heard
Norway, like the country.

I mean, that could cause
a diplomatic emergency.

[DISPATCH] Truck 8, please respond.

Report of a loose miniature
horse at Everson Stadium.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

A tiny horse? That's the mascot
for the Everson Small Stallions!

- Okay.
- The double A team.

- And?
- Minor league.

Minor league of...

- Baseball.
- Baseball.

- Big fan of baseball.
- Yeah.

[DISPATCH] Truck 8, respond.
I can call someone else if you want.

Yeah, yeah! Dibs, dibs, dibs!
Truck 8 has dibs.

Ooh, no blinker.

Ah.

[SIGHS]

But that is totally fine,

I can just let you off with a warning.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, you guys.
I cannot get this playlist to load.

Awe. Should we just call it and
you can come out another day?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is my leg just
rubbing up against you?

- That must be so annoying.
- [PHONE VIBRATES]

- I hadn't even noticed.
- [LAUGHS]

Oh, it's Rick. Um...

You know, I really shouldn't take
personal calls during work hours,

but whatever.

It's fine. I'm chill.

Hey, sweetie. What's up?

You did?

What? Which pocket?

Oh, my gosh, okay. Right.
I'm looking right now.

Okay, did you write me a note?

That is so sweet.

I'm gonna read this later. Love you too.

Okay.

- Rick says hi.
- Yeah.

Awesome. Uh, I need to get out.

- What?
- Yeah, I've got a migraine coming on.

I can feel it, so can you
just pull over, Frank?

Wait, you've got a headache

before listening to Emily's playlist?

Yeah. Frank, could you pull over?

[EMILY] Do you have
a fever or something?

[SHRED] No, it's just a migraine.

I gotta get some fresh air.
You guys go ahead.

We can't just leave you here.

We're like five blocks from the office.

Frank, tell her.
This happens all the time.

It happens all the time.

- He's a sick boy.
- Yep. Sick.

- Yep.
- What... ?

[PATEL] I've always dreamed
of being on this field.

You know, in the second grade
my class took a field trip here?

They let the kids go wild.

Spit in the dugouts,
run around the bases.

And you know who didn't
make it that day?

I think I do, but it seems
important for you to say...

The lady who's turn it
was to drive carpool.

- Wow.
- So I didn't make it.

That was a twist.
I didn't see that coming.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What've we got?
- Hi.

The mascot's loose
somewhere in the stadium.

- Oh.
- Fungo?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he is wily.

They let the fans race
him on the warning track

- during the seventh inning stretch, right?
- Yeah.

See? That is why I love this country.

It's just pure chaos.

You're okay, buddy.

- Yo, Shred.
- Mm.

Hey, listen, man, Emily here?

I got the keys for Truck 7.
Carburetor's all fixed.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Bento.

Hey, you guys should stop
by the Motor Pool for lunch.

I'm grilling it up.

Oh, yeah? You're having like a party?

No, just a few of us.

- See you there?
- Uh, yeah.

- Tight. Later, man.
- Cool.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Bento. What's up?

Uh, super small thing.

If you're driving, you should
really be on speaker.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

[BENTO] Frank, my man.

Hey, we're grilling at the Motor Pool.

- You wanna come by?
- Oh, I can't. I'm with Emily.

[BENTO] Copy. Say no more.

Uh, wait. What does that mean?

[BENTO] I'm on speaker?

Not cool, Frank. Not cool.

Okay, great talking to you.

What?

[DISPATCH] Truck 12, respond.

Oh, thank God for animal emergencies.

Report of an injured hawk
on the side of the road,



[SIGHS]

So, um, why can't I
come to the barbecue?

Does, uh, nobody like me?

Oh, no. People like you.

It's just that you're management

and at lunch time they
wanna eat their sandwich

and talk about how stupid their boss is.

- Right.
- Nothing personal.

Oh, um, Frank?

We are on a very busy thoroughfare,

so for protocol someone needs
to run point on traffic.

Oh, man.

I just wish we knew someone who
was alarmingly detail-oriented.

- W... would... would you wanna do it?
- Yeah. I would love to.

I have a flare.

Okay, here we go.

Stop!

- [TIRES SKIDDING]
- [HORN HONKS]

Okay, Frank. I'm gonna
tell you on my count

when it's safe to proceed.

[HONKING]

- Five.
- [HORN HONKS]

- Four.
- [HORN HONKS]

- Three.
- Going on three.

- Oh, wow.
- [HONKING]

Alright, slowly. Okay,
that's good. That's good.

Now you. Your tires are low,

you might wanna get those checked out.

I'm done.

Wait, really? That was so fast.

Yeah, the honking makes me work faster.

- Wow.
- [NOTIFICATION ALERT]

_

You know what? You should
go to that barbecue.

- Really?
- Yeah, I was overreacting.

And whenever I get a wounded bird

it makes me crave grilled chicken.

That's disgusting.

Um, yeah. That'd be great! Let's go.

- Great.
- Oh, tiny thing though,

Frank, for protocol,

we really can't leave until
the flare goes all the way out.

[EXHALES]

Hey, Patel, any sign of him?

Patel? Hello?

Patel!

Amit Patel comes out of the
dugout ready to right a wrong

that took place in the second grade.

Bases are jammed.
Patel steps up to the plate.

He's batting 785 on the year.

Wait! Fungo! Wait! Wait, I'm a big fan!

- [BASEBALL ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
- Fungo!

Fungo! Fungo!

Okay.

Wait, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

There you go, Fungo.

Look at that.

[ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES]

You caught him. And, uh, you're good.

Oh, thank you. I'm always inspired

when my partner's making
a fool of himself.

You know, uh, the team is
looking for a new organist.

There's actually an open
audition later today.

Thank you, but I have a job,

and one where my partner does
most of the work, so it's ideal,

- I really love it.
- [PATEL] He got out!

- Oh!
- [PATEL] He got out!

[PLAYS ORGAN]

Fungo!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

This party is already way better
than ours could ever be.

Unbelievable. Which one's the wagyu?

Who wants more skewers?

Bento, this is not a few
people stopping by.

- This is like a blowout, man.
- Yeah, man.

Everyone's gonna be too full
of meats for our escrow party.

I'm glad you guys are
having a good time.

No, we're not having a good time.

We're angry and we're envious,

and what is in this sauce?

- You gotta try this.
- 64-hour marinade.

- 64 hours?!
- Yeah.

Nothing about this is last minute, man.

It's an aphrodisiac, so you
might wanna wash it down.

- Come on.
- Are those king crab legs?!

Hey. My CI says there's a
Komodo dragon coming in.

I need you to babysit Emily for an hour.

What? I didn't even know she was here.

Why is she all alone? Is she okay?

It's because she's the boss.
She's not supposed to be here.

It's unnatural. Go over there
and make her feel welcome.

Okay. I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm having kind of a
weird day around her.

I sort of kept it together in the truck,

but I don't know if I can do it again.

Okay, if you go, I'll go to your
weird haunted house party.

Well, I don't want you there

unless you're excited to be there.

No, I'm super psyched to risk
my life to eat cold pizza

while holding in my pee

next to people I'm already
forced to spend the day with.

I'll take it.

- Patel! Frank's in!
- Nice!

I have a major update.

- No cuts.
- Oh, okay.

So I did some more googling.

Turns out the United States grants visas

to people with extraordinary
ability in the arts

or people who accompany an athlete

in a performance of his or her duties.

- No, that sounds fake.
- It does, but it's real.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the organ is my ticket, baby!

I'm gonna audition.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you are, which means that
I'm gonna get a second chance

to run those bases!

- So no meats for me.
- It's not really about you.

I will take the Branzino.

Uh, hey.

- Hey. How's your migraine?
- I'm feeling better now.

Sorry I was so weird in the truck,
it's just when they come on,

- I get a little claustrophobic.
- Yeah. Have you seen Frank?

I haven't, uh, no. Have you?

No. That's why I'm asking.
Have you seen him?

Totally. I haven't seen him. Have you?

- No.
- [DJ] Come on, people,

let's get this dance party going!

Here we go, Shred.

- Dancing's starting.
- Dancing.

Would a stickler dance
in the middle of the day?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not really
like a daytime dancer, so...

What? Yes, you are.
You dance all the time at work.

Come on.

Frank left. He lied to you.

What?

He's at the animal refuge.
I'll text you the address.

Wear shoes you don't care about.

[SIGHS]

[NOTIFICATION ALERT]

_

Hey! Stop!

What the hell are you doing?

What the H are you doing?
You totally lied to me.

Get in! He's getting away!

What are you talking about?

You're not even buckled right now?

- Get in!
- We're gonna talk about this later.

Oh, my gosh. I need to put
my seat belt on! Signal!

[OPERATIONS MANAGER]
So glad you decided to come back.

The organist job is between
you and Bea over there.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hey.

What is up with her? She's terrifying.

She's just trying to get
in your head, okay?

Alright, come on over.

I'm just gonna have you
each play some classics

and, uh, we'll see who comes out on top.

Alright, well, that seems like
a pretty standard organ duel.

I'm gonna go check on Fungo.

See if he's settling into his enclosure.

Uh, why don't we start with
one of the baseball classics,

"Charge"?

[PLAYS ORGAN]

[PLAYS ORGAN WITH IMPRESSIVE ENDING]

♪

[CHUCKLES]

And who's Monster, again?

He's the bad guy.
Monster had the dragon.

Is this real or is this
in a children's book?

This is very real.

This is absolutely the
wrong time for sarcasm.

And I know, glass houses.

Now, this guy has a smuggling ring
that's been going on for months,

which makes me think that
someone's protecting them.

Oh, blinker, please!

And, okay, you're driving like a maniac.

Listen, if there's an illegal
animal ring, I wanna stop it

- just as much as you do.
- Great!

But I have to clear it
with my bosses first.

You know, protocol.

- You're a real stickler, you know.
- I hate that word.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hold on. I know a short
cut and I'm a great driver.

[EMILY] One-way alley! Car!

- [HONKING]
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

- [HONKING]
- Keep honking, Balthazar!

- Is that a dog?
- Yeah, that's Balthazar.

[HONKING]

He's getting away!

[PLAYING "IN THE HALL
OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]

♪

Well, uh, this isn't an easy decision,

but the new organist for
the Everson Small Stallions

- is Victoria.
- I'm in! I'm in!

- Yes! USA! USA!
- Congratulations.

Here's the rule book. Uh.
Please know it backwards

and forwards for the home opener.

Yeah, no. No. There's no
way I'm gonna learn that.

Oh, it's a requirement for the job.

You have to be able to understand
the flow of the game.

Yeah, no. I'm sorry.

Books and tests and stuff,
they don't agree with me.

That's the only reason I
wanted this ridiculous job.

- No offense.
- Uh...

[PATEL] Steps up to the plate
after 30 years on the bench.

Another high-pressure
situation for Patel.

The crowd falls quiet.
It's right down the middle.

Whoa, he really got a hold of that one!

It's going, going.

It's off the foul pole.
It's still in play!

Patel is surprisingly fast for a
man so full of Brazilian meat!

Oh, he's rounding second.

He might not have the gas for
an inside-the-park home run.

But a triple is equally impressive.

- Ow.
- Ah.

[GROANS] He definitely hurt his ankle.

His wife is gonna be so mad.

♪

Okay, no one is even touching
the chicken parm sandwiches.

Of course not. Bento
raised the bar on us.

We're serving prison food.

Excuse me, who invited Betty White?

We're trying to get our
numbers up, Victoria.

- This party's on life support.
- Yeah.

I shouldn't even be here.

- I should be at home, studying.
- Don't go.

Okay, take me through
your prime ministers.

- Oh, God.
- All of them.

You came! My partner came, everybody!

- Hello.
- Hey.

This is a terrible neighborhood.

Some kid on a bike called
me his little bitch

for walking on the sidewalk.

The eight year old with the neck tattoo?

Yes, that is Chris and
he protects the block.

I'm gonna go find all the
hand sanitizer in Seattle.

Well, there's none here, buddy.

Hey, look at you.
Two office parties in one day.

- Wow.
- I know.

This party is not as good as Bento's.

Oh, you can say that in a regular voice.

This is more depressing than a hospice.

Mm-hmm. Um, listen,
I told you I was gonna talk

to my regional supervisor
about your investigation.

So he gave me the runaround,

told me that it's out
of our jurisdiction,

- the police were on it.
- Of course they did.

Yeah, but I haven't told
you the weird part.

I never called my supervisor.

He called me.

What? Wait. How did he know?

Am I being tailed?

I keep seeing Balthazar everywhere.
You don't think that...

I don't think it's the driving dog, no.

But I think you're on to something,

and I wanna help.

Wait, you do?

Honestly, that car chase
was the most exciting thing

that's happened to me all year.

Of course, we'll need to, you know,
keep it on the down low, but...

Emily Price, my protocol flouting hero.

Alright, that's impressive.

Okay, this is great.

Um, I'm gonna go check in with Terry.

- He's our CI.
- We have a CI?

- That is so exciting.
- Yeah.

Everybody loves a snitch.

Hey. I'm bummed that I didn't
get to hear your playlist

- in the truck earlier.
- Oh, you would have loved it.

I had, um, some Sheryl Crow,
Snoop Dogg, Cat Stevens,

- Fleet Foxes...
- Okay, I think I get it, animal-themed.

- Yes.
- Sick.

- Do you want to listen to it?
- Totally. Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

["HERE I GO AGAIN" BY WHITESNAKE PLAYS]

- ♪ Here I go again on my own ♪
- Yeah.

- Whitesnake.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ Down the only road I've ever known. ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

- Um... oh, it's Rick. Um...
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- I should...

- I didn't tell him I stopped by.
- Yeah. Totally.

- Hey.
- Tell him I say hi.

- Sweet.
- What?

Did you guys fork out
for a smoke machine?

- Huh?
- This is so fun!

What? Oh, no, the bug
guys came a day early.

- The fumigators!
- Hold your breath!

Cover your eyes!

- I'll get the chicken parm!
- I'll get the old lady!

- [THUD]
- Get the parms!

Somebody get the parm!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

Yes! Thank you guys so much for coming.

We were here earlier.

- How is this still going on?
- Hey. Shrimp's coming around,

pairs perfectly with the riesling.

What is the budget on this thing?

- Nancy!
- Riesling?

Thank you so much for coming!

- This is fantastic.
- Oh, you bastards!

You said you were going home.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

We got disoriented

when the poison gas was
released at your party.

Wow. The betrayal.

- Let's get out of here, Shred.
- We don't need it.

- We don't need it!
- We don't need it!

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Everybody, let's go!

- Don't do it.
- No. No.

- Don't do it, Shred.
- Come on, come on!

- Damn you, Bento.
- Come on.

♪