[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God.
This is just what I needed.
Yes.
- Not--not--
this is not for you.
I just planned
a nice little guy's night
for me and your dad.
Charcuterie and pinot grig?
That's sweet,
but you know my dad's
more a Modelo and
gas station potato kind of guy.
- No, I think you are wrong
about your dad.
We had a real breakthrough
the other day.
He hugged me.
- Are you sure he wasn't trying
to steal your wallet?
Yes, I am.
He showed me that he doesn't
completely hate me,
and that is a huge win.
So I need to seize this moment.
I'm gonna take our bromance
to the next level.
- Oh, my God.
This is just what I needed.
Thank you, George. Yeah.
I tried to do, like,
the cheeses
on the side that we could--
- This piece of wood
is the perfect size
to cover the shotgun hole
in my truck.
She could have said
she was married.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Sandra Bullock is so good
in "Miss Congeniality"
that I forgive her
for "The Blind Side"
Sorry.
I just keep thinking about
how it should be your dad
under those Pure Retinol
Express Smoothing Eye Masks.
- Look, I love that you love
this stuff.
But if you want to spend time
with my dad,
you have to find something
that he's into.
Like yelling, "He's got a g*n"
when the grocery store line
is too long.
Ayy.
Ayy.
Ayy.
What's wrong?
- We just lost our friend Jesse
to booze.
- Oh, no.
Did he drink himself to death?
No.
He got sober.
- He thinks he's better than us
because he stopped shaking
and his wife took him back.
So now we're short a player
for our
fantasy baseball league.
I swear, some people only
think of themselves!
But what about Quinten?
He likes sports and he never
thinks about himself.
This is fantasy baseball,
Mayan,
and none of my fantasies
include Quinten.
Um, excuse me,
could you give us a moment
while I confer
with my associate?
- Oh. Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
- We should let Quinten
in the league.
- But he doesn't know anything
about baseball.
Every time it comes up,
all he mentions
is Madonna and Geena Davis.
- Babe, wh--what are you doing?
I don't know anything
about baseball.
Other than there's
no crying in it,
which is a nonstarter for me.
- If you wanna bond
with my dad,
this is it and I can help you.
I know baseball
and I'm 50% George.
- He got fired
from coaching T-ball.
It'll be the easiest 20 bucks
we make.
Why stop at 20?
Okay, Faux DiMaggio.
You're in.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- And that's how Prince Ben
and Princess JLo
lived happily ever after.
Oh. Again.
- I can't believe
she took him back.
- These fairy tales are crazy.
- [chuckles]
The boys are here to draft.
- I don't understand why
I couldn't use the moving cart.
- Because that's for work
and this is pleasure.
- Okay. Now put that keg
in the corner over there,
or you're fired.
[grunts]
- You gonna come in or what,
Momo?
- You can't enter a room
you're not invited into.
It's bad luck.
What are you, a vampire?
Ta loco.Get in here.
- Yo, I didn't know a star was
gonna be here.
You're "Don't take a chance"
Chance from the ads.
- Grandpa, are your friends
showing up already drunk?
Yeah, probably.
But he's talking about
how I used your picture
in one of my insurance ads.
- When did I have crutches
and a neck brace?
I photoshopped it.
Makes you wanna buy insurance,
right?
Nobody needs insurance.
I've never had insurance,
and I'm doing just fine.
You live in my room.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- That's what you're
gonna wear
to my dad's
fantasy baseball draft?
- Aren't these the colors
of the Florida Salmons?
You mean the Marlins?
Oh, God.
They're gonna eat me alive,
aren't they?
No, I got you.
Look, I picked up some stuff
to help you fit in.
Now take off that hat
and put this on.
Are you giving me a makeover?
I feel like Anne Hathaway
in "The Princess Diaries."
Don't talk about Anne,
princesses, or diaries
in front of my dad.
Now let me show you how
to be a down-ass fool.
Sit your ass down, fool.
No, you gotta manspread.
- See?
- Oh.
Like, you know.
Hoh!
They do this
to unstick everything.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, works for us too.
- This feels great.
What about baseball?
Oh, I made you a cheat sheet.
And I put it on a paper towel
so you can disguise it.
- What if they ask me something
that's not on it?
- Simple.
You just distract them
by saying "Los Doyers."
Are you saying "The Dodgers?"
Yeah. "Los Doyers."
- Am I allowed to say that
like that?
- Yes.
Now take your cheat sheet
and get out there, champ.
Oh. I'm so nervous.
This must be what
the players feel like
before the curtain goes up.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Oh, hey.
This is Momo, Arturo,
Nick, and Luis.
This is Yawn Mendes.
Actually, it's Quinten.
That's not any better.
- As commissioner
of the league,
I like keep everything equal
and fair.
So I'ma draft first.
I will take Juan Soto.
All right. Oscar, you're up.
I'm gonna take Miguel Vargas
from "Los Doyers."
all: "Los Doyers."
- Loose Dough-ears. Ha.
- Hey, did you say
"loose dough-ears?"
Come on, man. Pick a player.
Okay.
- Oh, perfect, a tissue.
Thank you.
- No.
[blowing nose]
Can I--
[blowing continues]
Can I have that back, please?
- Sure.
I blasted it pretty good.
- Okay, come on, man.
Just pick a player
Okay. Yeah. Um...
I'm gonna pick--
Churro?
Did you say Chourio?
Jackson Chourio
from the Brewers?
- Yes. That--that is a player.
All right. Hey.
That's a solid pick.
I was gonna pick him.
Oh. No. Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, should I give him back?
No, man.
Screwing people over
is part of the fantasy.
Oh. All right.
Well, then, I am gonna be
screwing you
real hard, Georgie.
[laughs]
That's what I'm talking about.
- What's your name again?
- His name is Quinten.
Let's get some beers, eh?
- I am just a boy,
standing in front
of his sort of father-in-law,
being called by my real name.
- Hey, Quinten, you want
to do the honors, man?
Do the first keg stand.
Wah! Okay. Oh.
Okay, but pull my legs apart
'cause I wanna manspread
while I do it.
Oh!
Yeah! Yeah!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
all: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Oh, damn.
You guys are having fun.
- I wanna drink all my drinks
upside down.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's everybody come back
tomorrow for some carne asada.
Yeah.
Oh, what should I make?
Uh, yourself scarce.
It's just for guys, Mayan.
Guys only?
I think Quinten has something
to say about that.
Yes.
I will be there.
And some guac would
be nice too.
[laughs] Some guac.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Quinten did nothing,
while the men turned me
into their personal elotero.
That's awful.
You don't even know
how to boil corn.
- And can you believe
they said no women allowed?
I mean, what is this,
"The Little Rascals"?
- I think it's better that
the men and women are separate.
They can brag
about their penises.
We can complain
about their penises.
But we're a team.
We should be out there bragging
about his penis together,
as a family.
- Couples in your generation
want to do everything together.
It's sick.
I think it's good that Quinten
is bonding with those guys.
Or any guys.
He can't always be
hanging out with you
braiding hair
and painting toenails.
He likes it.
He said it reminds him of when
he did his mom's nails.
Oh, my God. I hear myself.
- Ooh, they are loving me
out there.
You should have seen me.
I chugged a whole beer--
over two hours.
- So you're enjoying it?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they're laughing
at all my jokes,
your dad punched me in the nuts
affectionately,
and get this--
we made fun of someone.
Someone else that wasn't me.
Well, I'm happy you're happy.
Yeah.
- Stop giving me that
"I told you so" look.
I'm not.
It's my "I can't believe
I'm always right" look.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Nana, I've got something
for you.
- Oh, did you draw me
a picture?
No. You've been served.
What?
- You used my face
on your insurance ads
without asking me.
My buddy Diego's mom's a lawyer
and she taught me
how to write up
a "grease and resist."
A cease and desist?
Whatever you want to call it.
- Well, of course I respect
your wishes.
You're entitled
to your privacy.
Fame and fortune, oh,
can take a huge toll.
Fortune?
We talkin' the cookie
or the dough?
Because of you,
my insurance sales
have gone up,
so I think it's time
you get a cut.
Cash? Under the table?
- I was thinking more
in tickets to Universal.
VIP?
Is there any other way?
Done.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Hey, that carne asada
smells good, Q-Ball.
- Q-Ball?
You gave me a nickname
that's not mean.
- No, it's white,
but it's hard.
Ha.
Yeah, no, check it.
I marinated it
in bergamot citrus
with a splash
of gochujang sauce.
No, I mean, I drenched
these bad boys
in some dank-ass OJ
with some hot sauce.
Yeah, that's gonna burn
on the way in and out.
- Hey, look at that
dynamic duo,
Batman and Robin.
I'm Batman. I said it first.
- Don't make me the Penguin,
'cause I'm scared of birds.
- Well, I know I'm not supposed
to be here.
I'm just dropping off the corn
I boiled myself
and definitely didn't buy
at Boston Market.
- Yeah, just put 'em
over there, babe.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
Hey, that was an awesome
spring training game yesterday.
Huh? "Los Doyers."
all: "Los Doyers."
- I bet I win fantasy
this year.
Did you see Vargas'
ground rule double?
Uh, babe.
That's when the ball bounces
off the field
into the stands,
thus advancing the batter
to second base.
- Keep mansplaining baseball
to me
and I'll advance my foot
up your ass.
- I'm starting to get worried
about my team, man.
Seager had three errors
yesterday.
- Man, Seager?
That fool throws like a girl.
You see him?
He's out there like--
ayy!
This mitt is gonna totally
destroy my manicure.
I mean, come on.
I wouldn't say
"throws like a girl."
[sputters] I--but I would say
runs like one too, right?
[high-pitched voice]
OMG, I made it to first.
Home run, b*tches.
Let's brunch.
- Bottomless mimosas!
- Oh, my God!
- Selfie.
- Oh, my God. Selfie.
- Man, these girls seem like
a fun time.
[upbeat saxophone music]
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Chance?
Are you almost ready?
You look adorable.
I look ridiculous.
Just like the men
in your calendar.
I bought that for charity.
The station named a pole
after me.
[clears throat] Anyway,
you've already rejected
three outfits.
Can we just go with this one?
- Fine.
But I'm not wearing the hat.
It's not in my contract.
What contract?
"No hats"?
- If you'll flip to the clause
on the back...
Oreos?
Yes. I require Mega Stuffed.
If it's a single stuff, I walk.
I don't have any.
Sounds like a you problem.
I'll be in my dressing room
until you figure it out.
- Hey, Gordo.
- No eye contact.
- What's with him?
- [sighs] I created a monster.
No, I created a monster.
Quinten's gone too far,
and I've got to do something
about it.
I'm not going to support
his toxic behavior anymore.
- Toxic? The most aggressive
thing I've seen him do
is insist on bagging
his own groceries. [laughs]
Mayan. I need your help.
What now?
You want me to put on an apron
and bake you up
a warm batch of snickerdoodles?
No. I need baseball advice.
But you can make
the cookies after,
and I prefer chocolate chip.
Drown him.
- Well, I don't want anything
to get in the way
of your valuable time
with the guys.
- What info do you need?
- Okay.
Momo wants to trade
my Betts for a Kirk.
Does that mean anything to you?
- Well, if you're gonna trade
a player like that,
you're gonna have to get
someone good,
like the greatest
home run hitter of all time.
Who's that?
- His name
is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Okay. Great. Yeah.
What else you got?
[upbeat saxophone music]
But of course my top pick
is gonna be
first baseman, Wrigley Field.
That's a stadium, fool.
- And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
doesn't play baseball.
He's a TV writer.
- What's up, Q-Ball?
It sounds like you did
an eight ball,
and if you did, how come
you're not sharing it, man?
- No, um, I was just
testing you.
Good news, no dementia.
- Wait, were you testing
me too?
Did I pass?
- Yeah.
You're medically cleared.
- But I would get that weird
mole on your neck
checked out, though.
- That's a pinto bean
I'm saving for later.
Mayan. Hey.
All the baseball information
you gave me was wrong.
Oh, was it?
- Wait, why--
why would you do that to me?
Are you jealous I'm hanging out
with G-Lo?
No.
And don't call him that.
What is it then?
Is it that time of the month?
- Yes, but that's
a crazy coincidence.
Are you hearing the way
you're talking to me?
Who are you?
- I'm Q-Ball,
'cause I'm white and hard.
What--what--what is
the big deal?
I-I'm hanging out
with the boys.
I'm bonding with your dad.
We're chugging brewsteens.
Brewskis.
The only reason you know
what to say, what to wear,,
and what to do
is because of me.
Okay. Okay.
So you're not getting
any credit,
and you decided you're just
gonna embarrass me
in front of everybody?
You're embarrassing yourself
by acting like a sexist pig.
[stammers]
No matter what I do,
there's no winning.
I can't do nothing.
Wow.
I thought you wanted
to be friends with my dad,
not turn into my dad.
- Women, huh?
Must be that time of the month.
It's a coincidence!
[upbeat saxophone music]
Don't give me that look.
You drink from the toilet.
- Hey, Mayan, you seen Q-Ball?
We're playing strip beer pong.
It's his turn.
That is a tough game.
Q-Ball is gone.
But Quinten is here.
- What's up, Q-Ball?
How come you look
like a dork again?
I don't like baseball.
And I don't like brewskis.
And I don't like being sexist.
I was pretending to be someone
I'm not to get you to like me.
A-and I completely forgot
about the person
I want to like me the most.
- Dude, I know we just met,
but same.
He's talking about me.
You're talking about me, right?
- Listen, I don't know
what's going on,
but if you ate what
Oscar was handing out,
go barf right now.
No, George.
I'm thinking straight
for the first time all week.
Yeah, but guys,
the truth is...
I love brunch.
And I love pinot grig.
And I love not having
puffy eyes.
But most of all...
I love you.
I love you too.
And forget second base.
You're getting
a grand slam later.
Yes!
I'm finally going to Denny's!
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
I'm here.
You're late.
I had to pour my own
apple juice.
- We said we'd meet at 1:00.
It's 1:00.
- In this business,
if you're not 15 minutes early,
you're 30 minutes late.
Sit down, Gordo.
We need to talk.
[sighs] Unfortunately,
I don't think we can
continue our partnership.
But you're nothing without me.
- Yeah, sorry, but I already
found your replacement.
Insurance is hot, dog.
Churro is your new model?
There's no way
that's gonna work.
Actually, since these ads
went up yesterday,
I already sold five policies.
[sighs]
It's a fickle business.
Enjoy the ride while it lasts,
kid.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- They fell in love
while he was sleeping.
- Technically, wasn't he
in a coma?
- You can still sleep when
you're in a coma.
Shh.
How am I supposed to learn
if you don't let me
ask questions?
I got you a cheat sheet.
This is all you need to know
about every
Sandra Bullock rom-com.
Every plot is basically
the same.
She doesn't get what she wants,
but she always gets
what she needs.
And if you get lost, just yell,
"Sandy B!"
- Shh. I wanna know
what brother she chooses,
the hot one or the hotter one.
Well, we know that she might
not need what she wants,
but need what she needs.
What? That makes no sense.
Sandy B!
All: Sandy B!
[glasses clinking]
[upbeat saxophone music]
01x10 - Lopez vs Los Doyers
Watch/Buy Amazon
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.