[bright tones]
[upbeat saxophone music]
- I'm here!
I did a little cleaning
and look what I found, Mayan,
your baile folklóricocostume.
- Yeah, I love that dance.
They do it every time
they bring out
the sizzling fajita platter
at El Torito.
- Oh, you were so cute
dancing around in this.
Who knew you'd peak at six?
- You put me in so much makeup,
people confused me
for a tiny drag queen.
- You were the Tammy Faye
of folklórico.
Aw.
You guys should keep up
the tradition
and force Chance to do it.
- I ain't wearing
that tacky dress.
- Please, he's already
quit karate, chess, piano.
He'd quit this family
if he got a better offer.
- That boy needs to do more
than just play video games.
When I was his age, I had a ton
of after-school activities.
Gardening, plumbing, AC repair.
- You need
to make him more resilient.
- I'm resilient.
But in case Grandpa
doesn't know,
remind him what that means,
again.
- You don't have to remind me.
I don't know what
the hell that is.
- It means following through
with something,
even when it's hard.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm definitely not that.
- But folklóricois different
than all the other stuff
you've done.
They're dances
that tell the stories
of the many regions of Mexico.
It's a rich part
of your culture.
- Boring!
- One of the dances
lets you use a machete.
- Baby's first w*apon?
I'm in!
- Quinten, do you know
of anyone who wants
to buy a diamond ring?
- Mayan, your mom is nagging us
to get married again.
I'm out!
- I also found
my old wedding ring.
I think it's time
that I sell it.
See what 20 years of pain and
suffering goes for these days.
- Well, wait a minute.
If anybody should have
that ring, it's me.
I missed seven
Los Lobos concerts
to pay for that ring.
- Why don't you just sell
the ring and split the money?
- No way, commie.
- That's exactly
what Fidel would want.
♪ ♪
- Today on "Corte Caliente,"
a woman sues her bodega guy
for performing indecent acts
with melons.
- Oy,this is gonna be juicy.
[knock at door]
- Oh thank heavens,
you're alive.
- Of course.
My main goal in life
is to outlive you.
Why are you interrupting
my show?
- I wanted
to check the batteries
on your carbon monoxide
detectors
because I don't want you
to fall victim
to the silent k*ller.
Trust me, Rosie.
You have to be thorough
about these things.
Oh, the detectors look good.
You really only need one
to work, anyways.
Okay. Bye.
- You forgetting something?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Ugh.
Not that.
This.
My ring.
- I forgot that's where
you kept all the good stuff.
- You're never gonna get it--
these or this.
- All right, if we can't decide
who owns the ring,
I think we should
do the fair thing.
- What's the fair thing?
- Give it to me.
- Look, there's only one way
to solve this.
We need to argue our case
in a civilized
and professional manner.
- Señor, why are there holes
in all of your melons?
- We're gonna take this
to "Corte Caliente."
- "Corte Caliente"?
I always wanted to be on TV,
but they said it makes
your head look, like,
three times bigger,
so I probably gotta stand
like this.
♪ ♪
- Come on, Gordo.
You're gonna be late
for folklóricoclass.
- That's the point.
- [gasps]
- Ay, qué chulo!
- Aww, you look so adorable.
- Without the fajita platter,
I just look silly.
- No, you look like
a proud Mexican boy
who values the cultural
traditions of folklórico.
- Folklóricosucks.
- Mijo,when I was a kid,
I wanted
to quit folklóricotoo,
but I'm glad I stuck with it
because now,
it's a special skill
on my résumé.
- [sighs]
Ugh, fine.
My resume could
use some padding.
- Why do you have a résumé?
- Since you signed me up
for folklóricoclass,
I put some feelers out
for new parents.
[expl*si*n]
- ♪ Corte Caliente,
Corte Caliente ♪
♪ Corte Caliente,
Corte Caliente ♪
♪ Corte Caliente, Corte! ♪
- Caliente!
- Buenas tardes.
[applause]
I am Judge Justicia.
Esto es "Corte Caliente."
[applause]
Let's hear from the litigants.
- My ex-wife kept
the wedding ring,
and then hid it in her bra.
So today I'm here
to seek breast-itution.
- [feigning crying] Oh,
he took everything from me.
The least he could do is
let me keep that ring!
[sobs]
Was that good?
'Cause I could do it again.
- ♪ Corte! ♪
- Stop that, Señor Lopez.
You could lean back
into last week,
and your head still
wouldn't look any smaller.
You're here
to sue your ex-wife.
Care to tell us why?
- Uh, yes.
This bruja ruined my life.
I am a hard-working
small-business owner
of an affordable
moving company,
Lop E.Z. Movers.
Please follow me on Instagram
at L-O-P-E--
[gavel thuds]
- Silencio!
This is a court of law,
not a place
for you to shamelessly
advertise your business.
And we'll be right back
after a word from our sponsors.
- ♪ Corte! ♪
- And when I found him
passed out on the lawn,
buck naked, tangled up
in our Christmas lights,
nalgasflapping in the wind...
I said, "Yeah,
enough is enough."
- Wow.
After everything I have just
heard from this defendant,
I don't get how you're
still alive, Señor Lopez.
- Alcohol is a preservative,
Judge, so...
I'm pickled.
- How do you respond
to these accusations?
- By calling
my first caricature witness.
- I'd like to buy a vowel.
- Technically,
everything Rosie,
la rata de dos patas,
has said is true.
But she started it!
So Oscar,
would you please testify?
- Your Majesty,
back in the day, the defendant
used to be super-hot.
I mean, she still is,
but she used to be too.
- I'll allow it.
- Rosie was starved
for intimacy
because George stopped
being affectionate with her.
That's when she started
having an emotional affair
with a barista at El Starbucks.
[audience murmurs]
- And how do you know
this information?
- Because that barista was me!
[audience gasps]
I'm just kidding.
I always wanted
to make an audience gasp.
Truth is...
I caught them
feeding each other cake pops.
[audience oohs]
- ♪ Corte! ♪
[energetic traditional music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, Chance.
To the left.
The other left. El left.
Ay, Dios!
♪ ♪
- There's no way he's drunk,
right?
♪ ♪
- I know
it's a Mexican tradition,
but we should not
be making him do something
he doesn't want to do.
- Making him do something
he doesn't want to do
is also a Mexican tradition.
[music stops]
- Great job, almosteverybody.
Let's all take a five.
I hate this!
I'm a disappointment
to the Lopez name,
and that's saying something.
- No! You're doing so great.
Right?
- Ma'am, don't lie to your son.
- If I have to keep dancing,
then you have to do it, too.
- Gordo, this is a class
for kids.
It would be weird
for me to join.
Plus, I'm really good.
I don't want to embarrass
the instructor.
- Everything okay, Chance?
Would you like to take
a longer break, like forever?
- Can my mom dance with us?
She's really good.
But she's worried
she's gonna embarrass you.
- [chuckles]
I didn't say that.
He's drunk.
- Parents are always encouraged
to participate,
especially the ones who think
they can do my job
better than me.
- Oh!
Oh, oh, this is happening!
- ♪ Corte! ♪
- What do you have to say
about this vagrant's testimony,
Miss Flores?
- Ay, es verdad.
[audience oohs]
I did have an emotional affair,
but only after I found out
George was cheating on me.
While I was having cake pops,
he was out getting that cookie.
And I also have a witness.
- Excuse me.
- Really? You two don't
have any other friends?
- Oh, yeah.
George definitely cheated.
And I know this
because it was with me!
[audience gasps]
[laughs]
I got you again!
No, George, uh,
prefers his men to be women.
- Objection!
This witness is not saying
what I bribed him to say!
- You said those $20
were for parking!
- I said a lot of things--
[gavel thuds]
- Silencio!
Looks like this wedding ring
is the very least
of your worries.
These public records reveal
that the two of you
are technically still married!
[all gasp]
And that'show you get a gasp.
♪ ♪
- Did you say
that I am still married
to this dusty saco de papas?
Is this your producer's way
of manufacturing more drama?
Because if so,
great twist.
- Everything we manufacture
on this show is real.
I have the divorce papers
right here.
Señor Lopez never signed.
- Why am I not surprised,
George?
You screwed up our marriage.
Of course you're gonna screw up
our divorce.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
You should have followed up.
You were married to him
for 20 years.
I've known him 20 minutes,
and I know he's an idiot.
- I'll allow it.
- I mean, I was so overwhelmed
from the separation
that I quickly mailed
everything in.
It was a difficult time.
I was an emotional wreck.
- Oh, poor Rosita.
Tough tostones!
You should have read it.
This was your divorce,
not the user agreement
for "Candy Crush."
[audience oohs]
- Oy,this is only fun when
it happens to other people.
- Wait a minute, that's a bunch
of caca caliente,Judge.
Rosie was starting a business,
raising a daughter,
and getting over the best thing
that ever happened to her--me!
What gives you the right
to be so judgy?
Oh, yeah, that's true.
- Well, he's got a point.
I don't see a ring
on that finger.
What do you know
about marriage?
- I'm married to justice.
- That sound like something
a sad, single,
desperate lady would say.
- [laughs] Yeah.
What's justice, huh?
The name of one
of your seven cats?
[meows]
- Yeah, you probably cry
in your soup all night, huh?
Sad soup lady with cats.
- [laughs]
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Oh, look, it's my favorite!
It's cream of lonely.
Toma, gatito!
- [high-pitched]
It's muy caliente.
- Oh!
- Enough.
- Should I escort them out
of your courtroom, Judge?
I've always wanted
to play a macho bailiff.
My catchphrase would be...
[gruff voice]
"You tell 'em, Judge."
- No.
I welcome this.
- What?
- I welcome it?
Oh, look. I welcome it.
- I att*cked your character
for two reasons.
One, because I knew it would
unite you two against me.
And two,
because it's just good TV.
It's clear that you two still
care deeply for each other.
Plus, you're both tóxicos.
When you two got married,
this ring became property
of your marriage.
And since
you're still not divorced,
this case is dismissed.
Justice has been served...
caliente.
Now get out of my courtroom!
- [gruff voice]
You tell 'em, Judge.
- You too!
[energetic traditional music]
♪ ♪
- Miss Lopez, a big part
of dancing is moving your body.
Baila, mujer.
Baila.
♪ ♪
- Mommy, what was that?
You told me you were good.
- Folklóricohas changed
since I was a kid.
- No part of what you're doing
has ever been folklórico.
- You're an instructor.
You're supposed
to be encouraging me.
- And you're supposed
to be seven.
Besides, it's not that hard.
Even he can do it.
- You know I was a cheerleader
in high school.
- Well, Mama,
you dance on TikTok.
Why can't you do this?
- Well, the truth is,
I could never get it.
So I lied, okay?
I quit folklóricoas a kid.
- You quit, and now
you're forcing me to do it?
Why pass down this trauma,
Mama?
- We've been in court.
We've been in a pawn shop.
If we hit up a strip club
on the way home,
this is my perfect day!
- I can't believe
we didn't sign those papers.
It's embarrassing.
You know how many times
I bragged about divorcing you?
And splitting this ring 50/50
is the right thing to do.
- Yeah, or you could keep it
and we could just do nothing.
- What are you suggesting?
That we stay married?
- No. I mean, you know,
that we stay whatever we are.
I mean, we're in a good place.
- We just watched a man
pawn the gold from his molar.
This is not a good place.
- No, I mean
we're getting along better.
Today in court
we had each other's backs,
and that's on the highest-rated
daytime TV show
amongst Latinas over 70.
- Well, I agree.
We are getting along
better than ever
as friends,
but not as husband and wife.
- Well,
I like being your friend,
and if there's some benefits
down the road--
[whistles]
Come on.
I wouldn't hate it.
- I would.
Besides, you know, one day
one of us might meet someone.
- Yeah.
- And by one of us,
I could only mean me.
[laughs]
- Yeah, well, you're not gonna
find anybody better than me.
- The guy who pawned his teeth
is better than you.
- I appraised your ring,
and it's unlike anything
I've seen before.
- We're rich!
- It's worth about $30.
- What are you talking about?
- You heard of cubic zirconia?
- Yeah!
- Well,
this is fake cubic zirconia.
- Wait a--wait a minute!
I paid $3,000 for that ring.
Now I gotta sue the undertaker
that sold it to me!
Looks like I'm gonna have
to go see Judge Justicia again.
- You think she's hot,
don't you?
- Oh yeah, hot and mean.
You know that's my type.
- [laughs]
Yes, I do, viejo cochino.
- [laughs]
Well, then give me my $30,
so I can go make it rain
at El Torito.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- I feel horrible
for lying to Chance.
I think we're gonna have
to get him a real machete.
- Mom, are my ants
on a log ready,
or did you quit making snacks
too?
- I'm sorry I lied
to you, Gordo.
It's just, I wish
I hadn't quit folklórico.
Someone in this family has
to be able to do it.
- Um, hello?
- Someone Mexican
in this family
has to be able to do it.
But I shouldn't have forced you
to do something
you really don't enjoy.
- So that's the last time
I'm seeing a dentist?
- I just don't want us
to lose the Mexican part
of being Mexican American.
But I'm sure
we can find something else
connected to our culture
that's fun for the both of us.
- I'd like that, Mommy.
- You know what you could do
together?
Exclude me.
Oh wait,
you're already doing it.
- Yeah, being sensitive
is a white tradition.
♪ ♪
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to witness the end
of a marriage
that should have ended
ten years ago.
- Thanks for making me
your worst man.
[Southern accent]
And your maid of dishonor.
- We really do
need more friends.
- It was quite a surprise
for everyone
to find out
these two were still married.
I found out when Tía Daisy told
me to turn on "Corte Caliente."
- Every viejita'sgonna
want a piece of this.
- Dad, do you take Mom
to be your ex-wife,
to not have and to never hold,
till death do you part?
- Can we negotiate
the never hold part?
- [clears throat]
- Mom, do you take Dad
to be your ex-husband,
till death do you part?
- As long as he dies first,
I do.
- Then by the power
vested in me
from no legitimate authority,
I now pronounce you ex-husband
and ex-wife.
Congratulations.
You may now diss the bride.
- You shouldn't have been
wearing white now,
like you shouldn't have worn
white back then.
- [laughs]
- You look like "Dumb
and Dumber's" other friend,
Dumbest.
- I really think
these two are gonna make it.
- Hit the music.
[discordant accordion music]
- [growls, whines]
♪ ♪
- This is awesome!
- You sure, buddy?
'Cause it's okay if you don't
like it and you wanna quit.
- I'm doing it for the culture!
♪ ♪
[discordant accordion music]
[bright tones]
01x20 - Lopez vs Corte Caliente
Watch/Buy Amazon
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.