02x07 - Faux-Bituary

[bunniefuu]

Previously on So Help Me Todd...

- MARGARET: Allison!
- Mom?

- d*ck?
- d*ck: Patty, is that you?

You know my aunt?

I am deserving of senior associate.

I would like nothing more than
to give you that promotion,

but now is not the time.

The firm is going under.

MERRITT [OVER SPEAKER]: Welcome
to the world behind the curtain.

It's a Cube-Brick. Folding wanted it.

Of course Folding wanted it.

Probably to spy on us.

MERRITT [OVER SPEAKER]: The
Lee sisters are on board,

but it's only gonna last us six months.

We're not out of the woods yet.

- WOMAN 1: Merritt Folding?
- MAN 1: Merritt Folding.

- WOMAN 2: Merritt Folding?
- MAN 2: Merritt Folding.

["9 TO 5" BY DOLLY PARTON PLAYING]

♪ Jump in the shower ♪

♪ And the blood starts pumping ♪

♪ Out on the streets ♪

♪ The traffic starts jumping ♪

♪ For folks like me on the job ♪

- ♪ From nine to five ♪
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

♪ Working nine to five ♪

♪ What a way to make a living... ♪

- Ms. Wright. Ms. Wright, I have several...
- Wrong.

- I can't right now, Lewis.
- But I've sent you three emails.

Our office supply vendor
is raising their rates.

- I am aware.
- I can't keep pushing them off.

Well, push a little bit longer,
like I did with your emails.

Margaret, I still need you to
review these H.R. complaints.

- O... Okay.
- ELLEN: And sign these checks.

- I was here first.
- Mine is urgent.

I camped out all day yesterday
in the women's bathroom

- waiting to talk to her.
- You did?

- Mm-hmm.
- Stop doing that.

- Payroll, maintenance, and custodial. Here, here, and...
- I can't see it...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

An H.R. complaint can bankrupt
us if it turns into a lawsuit.

- No, I know. I won't. I'm not. I can't.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- All right, I got it...
- And then one more page...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
I'll be right back, yes.

Just give me a minute, okay?

- [CHATTER STOPS]
- [SIGHS]

[GROANS] How is this not working?

- [SHRIEKS] Todd.
- Uh...

Vacate my chair, please.

- Yeah.
- How is what not working?

Todd's Taco Tuesday.

I'm advertising a special
for my P.I. services.

Half off, plus one
delicious breakfast taco,

and it has yielded exactly
zero new clients. Zip. Zilcho.

Well, hard to believe that
people aren't lining up

for one breakfast taco.

TODD: Shouldn't be wasting my time

scouring for business like a sewer rat.

I should be out on the streets
like a vigilante superhero,

solving crimes and catching
murderers with my bare hands.

You're the one who made the
choice to open your own business

and you're lucky you have
the firm to fall back on,

- and if you feel like you just can't make a go of it,
- Instead, I am stuck

- then maybe...
- with two dozen tacos.

- ... it is time to admit defeat.
- Well, 12 dozen tacos.

Guess I know what I'm
eating every day...

Maybe it isn't everything that you want.

Maybe-maybe there's another
way to get ahead, and...

Oh...

What's going on with you? You okay?

- Heard from The Bradshaw Group.
- And?

Not returning.

- They signed with Granger Zisk.
- [GASPS]

Half a million dollar retainer, gone.

Granger Zisk. Good God,
the vultures are circling.

I think everyone can smell CF&W failing,

and it is causing
them to avoid my tacos.

[SHRIEKS]

I did not become a name partner

to be buried alive in paperwork

and personnel issues

and problems that I cannot solve. Ugh!

Is this what my life's work amounts to?

Just rolling a giant boulder up
an impossible hill to nowhere?

Forever?

[GROANS] Damn...

Damn it.

I want to accomplish
just one thing today,

just one thing.

To solve one problem.

To make myself feel
more effective for once.

Is that too much to ask?

- It is a lot to ask.
- Todd.

I refuse to let this firm fail.

I helped build this entire place,

and I did not work this
hard to get my name...

Your wrong name.

My wrong name above the door just to...

Just to what? Go down with the ship?

Pulling under innocent
victims? Like me and Francey

and Susan and... Lyle can float.

Stop it. I...

am going downstairs for some coffee.

Ooh, I-I'll take a latte
with a side of... nothing.

Side of nothing.

Yeah. Hold the latte.

Oh, Ms. Wright, wait.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Margaret...
- Uh, Ms. Wright, I just need one more approval...

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Whoa.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

[MAN CRYING]

I'm sorry. Are... are you okay?

No. I'm dead.

- Sorry, you're what? You're dead?
- Yes.

And this lawyer just
turned down my case.

Says it's impossible to resurrect me.

Now, how am I supposed

to live my life when
I don't exist anymore?

- [CHUCKLES] But-but you're right here.
- Mm-mm.

No?

Your obituary?

[CRYING]

I was declared dead six months ago.

- H... how did this happen?
- I have no idea.

I've contacted every government
agency I can think of,

- and it's been nothing but...
- Dead ends? [CHUCKLES] Sorry.

I don't understand. I mean...

you are alive, you are clearly alive.

Yeah, can't you just show your
I.D. or your birth certificate

- to the police or... ?
- Once my "death" was reported

to the Social Security Administration,

it set off a chain reaction.

My credit cards, my health
insurance were canceled.

I lost my job at Belmont Auto Repair

because "dead people"
can't get paychecks.

- [SIGHS]
- Hey, um,

what are the chances he's actually dead

and we're the only
ones that could see him?

You know, like on that
show about apparitions?

Todd.

I'm on the verge of
being broke and homeless,

and the State of Oregon is seizing

all my assets in probate court today.

- Wait, today?
- Like, today-today

or today-today? Must be today.

If someone doesn't help me soon, I...

I don't know. What...

What happens to someone
who doesn't legally exist?

I can help you.

We can help you.

We can straighten this all out

at your probate hearing today.

We can fix whatever
bureaucratic nonsense

led to this egregious clerical error.

We can accomplish this today.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, he seems real.

Very soft hands.

- Hey, Margaret, do you have a minute?
- Oh, Susan.

Yes, of course. I'm
preparing for probate court

this afternoon, but what do you need?

I have a last-minute meeting
with a potential client

tomorrow morning, and I need your help.

Oh. Now you need my help, do you?

Um, well, okay.

I'd be happy to. Just have
Francey put it on my schedule,

or, Susan,

we could have lunch and discuss...

Oh. A-actually, I just
need the conference room,

and you have it booked.

Okay. All yours.

Thank you.

Who's the client?



- A potential one million dollar a year retainer.
- Oh.

Amazing. And, uh, how'd
you get the meeting?

The CEO, Rory McIntosh, is a new
business associate of Peter's.

Ah-hah. You know, Susan,

building your client
roster is very important,

but this... this could be
very, very big for the firm.

So, maybe if you let me help
you, we can land this account.

Oh, thank you, but, uh, I
think I can do it on my own.

And then you'll have to promote me.

LYLE: Ah!

Ugh, cheese and crackers!

Lyle, are you okay?

Oh, uh, it's just a
toothache. I'm fine. Ah...

Okay, so, when someone
dies, like, for real,

they get entered into the EDRS,

the Electronic Death
Registration System.

Electronic death? That
sounds awful. What?

- Don't come back here.
- Okay, fine. Then what happens?

Okay. Then that gets sent to the
Social Security Administration

and added to their Death Master File.

Death Master? This all sounds so creepy.

And, by the way, speaking of death,

part of me is still
trying to come back to life

after catching you in my bed

with that fraud, d*ck Franks.

Todd, d*ck and I...

I don't like you saying "d*ck."

You just said it, okay?

And, also, I'm not
discussing my sex life.

Nor will I be judged by someone

who has an ex-girlfriend in prison.

Hey, I put her in prison.

Yeah, that doesn't make it better.

Look, I'm not talking
about this. Not with you,

not with Mom, from whom I
have not heard in a week,

by the way. Ugh, I can
just feel her judging me

and criticizing me and dying to tell me

what to do and how to do
it. I hate it. I hate this.

God, you're so Angry Teen Allison.

Yeah well, I never was Angry
Teen Allison, so bring it on.

Oh, it's been broughten, sister.

By the way, are we just waiting
for this Electrical Death Lord

- to print or whatever?
- It's printing right now.

Electrical Death Lord?
What is wrong with you?

What? That's exactly what you just said.

No.

MARGARET: Your Honor,

my client, Leo Hart, is clearly alive.

There's no need to proceed

with a probate hearing
regarding his estate.

Your Honor, we've never had a case

where the decedent contested
their own probate hearing.

That's because the
decedent isn't deceased.

He's right here, alive.

I can only go by what
the paperwork says,

and all my paperwork
says Leo Hart is dead.

MARGARET: This is him.
He literally has a pulse.

Obviously, I see that. We all see that,

but in the eyes of the U.S.
government, it's curtains.

MARGARET: Your Honor, this is ludicrous.

My client isn't going to lose everything

- he owns just because of a...
- JACKIE: Only God

and the Social Security
Administration can reverse a death.

And how long would that take?

Months. Years.

We don't even have an official
form to fix something like this.

- No form, no fix.
- No form, no fix?

This is a highly unusual situation,

so I will grant you a continuance

on the probate hearing, Counselor.

You have one week to prove
that your client is, um...

legally alive.

Thank you.

Is-is this a good thing?

Oh, it buys us time, and Todd

is already looking into
who reported you dead,

so I promise you we
will have this sorted out

within the week. [CHUCKLES]

No form, no fix.

Your client's death was reported
to the EDRS by a Dr. Ray Munipke.

- What? Do you know him?
- No, which is odd,

because I know every
doctor on this wing.

I've never even heard that name before.

Oh, maybe because it's
pronounced "Manupkay,"

- not Munipke.
- It's not pronounced "Manupkay."

- It's Munipke.
- It's "Manupkay." Look right there.

What, do you have a
degree in pronunciation?

- Yes, I do, dude.
- [SARCASTIC LAUGH]

This is his office. This is his office?

Hello?

Uh, this is a janitor's closet.

This is all... T-The form is wrong.

Someone faked an
address in the hospital?

And medical credentials.

- Which explains why you've never
heard of Dr. "Manupkay" - Munipke.

Because he doesn't exist.

Maybe...

maybe Leo's death
wasn't a clerical error.

Maybe someone k*lled him on paper

on purpose.

♪ ♪

Do you have any idea who
would want you declared dead?

No. I'm a nobody.

I don't have any enemies or...

I don't even have any friends.

I generally try and
stay away from people.

Why?

Because, um, I don't deserve
to have people in my life.

Um, I've been sober ten years,

- but I was a mess.
- Ah.

I'm an alcoholic.

All I did was let people
down and drive them away.

Well, you can't punish
yourself for your past.

No one deserves to be alone.

I talked to your son-in-law, Chet.

He said Leo's obituary was submitted

to The Portland Sentinel
by one Kirkland Quimby,

owner of Hillside Funeral Home.

Do you know any Kirkland Quimby?

Kirkland Quimby. No.

Why would he write an obituary for me?

Well, if somebody wants you dead,

the longer the paper trail,
the harder it is to unravel.

If there's anything else
you need, I'm around!

Oh, Lyle.

Uh, Francey, can you come
in here right now, please,

and take Lyle to the dentist?

- It is clearly an emergency.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No. There's no need.

I'm fi... [YELPS] ... ine.

Lyle, you are not fine. Go now, Francey.

Lyle, the last time
you ignored a toothache,

I found you passed out from
the pain in your office.

- Let's go.
- [LYLE GRUMBLES]

It's okay. Just admit
you're afraid of the dentist.

- I just need some ginger ale.
- Oh...

So, uh, what do we do now?

Well, now, I'm going to pay a
visit to this Kirkland Quimby.

TODD: You got to admit,

paper-k*lling someone is genius.

They're dead, but you didn't do it,

- But you did.
- Both are illegal.

I can think of a few people
I would love to paper k*ll.

Who?

Harry, Veronica, Lyle sometimes,

Lyle most times, Colonel Sanders.

- Colonel Sanders?
- Yeah. He's terrifying. That little body?

Welcome. Come this way, please.

Thank you so much.

Todd, perhaps you could add that vagrant

that Allison was with in
your apartment to the list.

Is she still seeing him?

I don't know, but
you're not gonna find out

by ignoring her and then
dumping on her choices,

which will then make
her ignore you. I mean,

how long did we go without talking?

You still owe me, like,


Hello. I'm Kirkland Quimby.

- How may I help you?
- Hi. Hello, hello.

How do you do? Uh, we're here

- to discuss some funeral arrangements.
- Please.

Yes, for my mother, God bless her soul.

[CHUCKLES] Such a
sprightly sense of humor.

No, no, no, for my son.

No, I thought the last
thing a parent wants to do

- is bury their child.
- Well, it depends on the child.

I... Well, whichever
one of you is dying, uh,

may I ask which funeral
package you are interested in?

Uh, for me? Very expensive.

Money is no object. Sky's the limit.

Mm, yes, well, I was actually thinking

of something much simpler,
along the economy side.

A box. A flower. A hole.

Oh, for your beloved favorite son?

I have another.

All right then, 21-g*n salute,



the baldest money can buy...

and I also want want an a*

and an oxygen t*nk down there

just in case I spring back to life.

Does that happen? There's
got to be a few cases, right?

It's rare, but...

- What?
- May I ask,

are obituaries a part
of your funeral package?

Oh, yes, we provide touching,
personalized obituaries.

Ah-ha. So, you could write
an obituary for my son,

like the one you wrote for Leo Hart.

Leo Hart?

I-I've never written an obituary
for anybody by that name.

Really? You didn't write this?

This is a copy of an email that you sent

to The Portland Sentinel

- along with Leo Hart's obituary.
- W...

I... This isn't my email address.

Th-this account belonged to my father,

Kirkland Quimby, Senior.

But he d*ed, 20 years ago.

That makes sense. It is an AOL account.

Will you excuse us
for one second, please?

Todd, how does someone access
a dead father's email account

in order to send an obituary
to The Portland Sentinel?

- Sounds like we're dealing with a computer hacker.
- Hmm.

The same person who used
fake medical credentials

to pose as a nonexistent doctor.

Oh, and until, like, last
year, you had an AOL account.

Todd. We need get Lyle
to track down this hacker.

Lyle? What am I, buried alive?

Excuse me, but may I ask,

what exactly is it you are dying of?

Oh, um, tongue... problem.

Chronic tongue problem.

Make way!

Okay, easy, easy. No, no, no, no, no.

- Lyle, here.
- Mm?

- Mm...
- This is you. Here.

- Easy, tiger.
- [ROARS]

Uh... Oh. Okay.

Not a-not a coat-rack. Oop.

Sit. Sit.

Okay, all right.

- [HUMMING] Hello.
- All right.

[MUTTERS] Lyle,

are you sure you don't
want to lie down and rest?

I'm fine. No, no, no,
I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hey, Lyle, I need your help with a...

I'm fine. Fine...

They, um, extracted a tooth.

The nitrous oxide hasn't worn off yet.

- Well, what's he doing here?
- He insisted.

He almost passed out
after seeing the drill.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I think he's afraid to be home alone.

Lyle?

Lyle? [SPEAKS SPANISH]

I'm gonna go get you some water.

Okay.

M'kay.

So...

... what do you need my help with?

Well, I'm trying to track
down a criminal hacker

who fakes medical credentials
and steals email accounts,

- but you're clearly in no shape to help, so...
- "Dock weh."

- Hm?
- "Dock weh."

"Dock way-buh."

Dark web? Are you saying dark web?

"Dock weh."

I-I can't go on the dark web

from a work computer, I'd get fired.

Use a computer with its
own Internet "serber."

- What?
- "Swerber."

"S-swerver."

But we all share the same server.

Oh, no, no, no, no, we don't.

Shh. No.

"Merriff Tolding" has his own "swerber."

Merritt Folding has his own server?

And he is "neber hee-oh."

And he is "neber hee-oh."

But Folding's computer would be
protected, right? Like Beverly?

You can only access it
with his fingerprint?

And mine.

System administrator.

Boop.

♪ ♪

Ooh, fancy-fancy.

Well, hello, Merritt Folding.

If you'll just let me
speak to someone in charge,

I'm certain they'll be interested

in this fantastic opportunity.

Sir, we are a law firm.
And I really don't think...

Just look at our brochure.

- Francey!
- I just want to double-check the, uh, details

of my meeting with Rory
McIntosh this morning.

Which you just did an hour ago.

The conference room is all set.

Okay, thanks, I just...

I have to win this client,

- so please let me know when he arrives.
- Mm-hmm.

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- I think he's kind of tall.

Ah, I can wait. I'd be happy to.

You know what,

I'm gonna grab a coffee, maybe a snack.

Just... Thanks so much.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Hello
there. Rory McIntosh,

here to meet with Susan Yang.

But tell me, which way is your restroom?

That way.

Thanks so much.

LYLE: Okay...

- Dark web.
- What?

Dark web. ♪ Scary place, scary people. ♪

Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Oh, uh, you know what? Um...

look at this. Merritt
Folding just texted.

He says hi, and it's okay,

and he wants you to help me
with this case no matter what.

- He said that?
- Mm-hmm.

- He knows Todd and Lyle are in his office?
- Yep.

Todd and Lyle.

Tyle.

Tyle!

That's right. Team Lodd.

Now, let's go ahead
and, uh, dark web us up.

You got it.

Oh, cap'n, my cap'n.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISTLING A TUNE]

Why does the firm use your
fingerprint to gain security access?

My fingerprint has an arch.

Only five percent of
the population has 'em.

[TRILLING] Yay.

TODD: Lapland?

Is this a gum?

Merritt Folding chews gum from Lapland?

Is one of you Merritt Folding?

The Merritt Folding?

Lead counsel on the
PDX Securities tribunal?

- Brilliant work. Gah, you're a legend!
- [CHUCKLES]

And so young.

I cannot believe that you're here.

I heard that you're a recluse.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Aye.
Nay. Merritt Folding.

In the flesh.

- Feast your eyes upon me. [CHUCKLES]
- No. Are you Scottish?

Aye.

Now you've been evicted.

What am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna live?

Okay, okay, don't panic. Francey?

Okay, just make yourself
at home right in my office

and I'll be right back.

Francey?

SUSAN: Where is he? It's 11:05.

Oh! That must be him. Rory McIntosh.

Hello, hi. [CHUCKLES]

I'm Susan Yang. It's a
pleasure to finally meet you.

You too.

You too.

My Scottish brother!

Rory McIntosh, CEO, 4X
Technology Innovators.

I'm here to meet Susan Yang.

- Susan?
- Aye. Yeah.

I'm about to go public... I'd be an
idiot to do that without a law firm.

Whereabouts in Scotland are you from?

Oh, um, uh, Loch Narb.

Right around the bend from Loch Ness.

But we got a wee different
monster, don't we?

Yeah, ours is an enormous white crab.

- [LAUGHS] Look at us, two young bastards,
- Ow.

- Conquering Portland.
- Right, right.

[SING-SONG]: And we are in!

TODD: Oh, uh...

this is my assistant, Todd.

Yeah, he's a bit out of it.

Hey, why don't we go to the kitchen

and grab a bite to eat

- while he works, huh?
- Aye.

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

[GRUNTS]

- JEAN: I can't believe Folding is here.
- Yeah, I guess he's meeting

with some guy, some
tall I guy I just saw

- in the kitchen.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, Francey, there you are.

Can you please make a case file...

Folding is here.

- What?
- Folding.

Here? Why?

I-I heard he's meeting with Rory
McIntosh, who's in the kitchen.

What? Rory?

- The client Susan is trying to sign?
- Yes.

Wait, if she brought Folding
into her meeting instead of me,

they're shoving me out.

Take... No... The audacity.
They are going to include me

whether they like it or not.

I'm gonna go talk to
this Rory McIntosh...

right now.

Go get 'em.

LEO: Huh. Impressive.

And that's why they included me

in the 40 under 40 profile.

- That's me. Number 22 of 40.
- Wow.

You should be really proud
of all your achievements.

Thank you.

But having you as a client

is the kind of
achievement we dream about.

Fighting for you,

building your future.

It's the whole reason I became a lawyer.

I got to say, uh, your firm

really knows how to
make a guy feel valuable.

Of course.

[CHUCKLES]

My presentation. Okay.

My laptop. I will be right back.

- You eat that cake. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Oh, these tacos are incredible.
- Yeah.

When my company was a start-up...

two employees, no revenue...

I lived off tacos.

Was all I could afford.

Ah, indeed, me blighty.

Or me matey?

But tell me,

from one young Scot to another,

how did you build your
company into what it is today?

- Trust the product.
- Hmm.

Aye. You dinna need gimmicks, giveaways,

uh, spend all your cash
on silly promotions.

If you're selling quality
products and services,

- your customers find you.
- Trust the product.

That's bloody brilliant advice, Rory.

Rory?

Hello there, lassie.

Rory McIntosh. How are you?

Rory McIntosh?

That's what the man said,

- and you're looking bonny today, Susan.
- Susan Yang?

Oh, Merritt here has been filling me

with tacos and nonsense.

I'm so pleased to finally meet you.

- Hi.
- Right.

Let's get back to your office,

- and I can hear what your firm has to offer.
- Aye.

- Merritt Folding?
- Aye...

MARGARET: I was told I could
find you in the kitchen.

Margaret Wright of
Crest, Folding and Wright.

And I just stopped by to
let you know, personally,

that, as name and managing partner,

we would be thrilled to
be in business with you.

[CHUCKLES]: Well, I am
delighted to hear that.

[LAUGHS]: Well, as am I.

We are just chomping at
the bit to make this happen.

- If you'd be happy to sign today.
- [GASPS]

Oh, yes, ooh, yes. I would
be so very happy, yes.

Um, I'm just gonna go tell my assistant

to fill out the proper paperwork.

[SQUEALS QUIETLY]

So, how about a drink, Merritt?

All right.

I really think we'd be more
comfortable in the conference room.

No, let's stay in here.

Now, I don't need another
PowerPoint presentation

or to end up at a stuffy, auld firm.

That's why I was so pleased
to meet this young titan.

And a fellow Scot.

Aye!

[PHONE RINGS]

RORY: Excuse me.

Work calls.

- Of course.
- Hello?

[WHISPERS]: What the hell are you doing?

[REGULAR ACCENT]: He assumed
that I was Folding and Scottish,

so I had to go along with it.

And I've been watching a
lot of Shrek lately.

Like, a lot.

And-and what are you doing
in here, and... [GASPS]

Who was I just meeting
with in the conf...

- We're hacking the dark web.
- Oh, great.

Look, you're trying to
land Rory as a client.

He loves me. He'll totally sign on.

Well, yeah, if you pretend
to be Merritt Folding

the entire time we represent him.

And why are you on the
dark web on this computer?

You're on the dark web?

Yes? Y-yes.

Uh, we will go to any
lengths to help our clients.

That's brilliant, innit?
What are you looking for?

A very scary hacker,

but I can't keep up with
this dynamic encryption.

It's so fast. Zoom, zoom.

You need more processing power, Todd.

A single computer's no
match for the dark web.

You know, my company
makes a mobile device

that can turn any computer

into a rocket powerful enough

to handle anything. And I mean anything.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: A rocket?

Aye.

I happen to have one right here.

A rocket in your pocket?

Aye.

Francey! Francey.

I showed them.

I just signed Rory McIntosh
in his fabulous purple suit

all by myself, without Merritt or Susan.

I'm going to single-handedly
save this firm.

Hmm. Purple suit?

Yes, in the kitchen, like you said.

That man is raising money

- for vegan reptile rescue hotels.
- What?

That man you just entered
into a verbal agreement with...

- Uh-huh.
- Is not Rory McIntosh.

That man represents a charity
pairing endangered reptiles

with rehabilitative housing
centers for the disenfranchised.

I've just agreed to sponsor

a lounge of imperiled lizards?

Yes, and here is our
first displaced dragon.

- There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [WHIMPERING]

- [MUTTERING]
- [GIGGLING]

You'll be giving her a home

and a new lease on life.

- Oh. Here, Francey.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, legally, I can't. Yeah.

Hmm.

Wait a minute.

Aye, there's the data you wanted.

So, who's our wee pesky hacker?

That we are trying to
locate only to help a client.

- Right.
- Nexus21 is her "fakeroni" hacker name.

But her real name is... [GASPS]

Piper Harlow.

You know, I forgot how
much I missed going down

the dark web rabbit hole.

Well, once you sign up with us,

we can make this a weekly ritual.

Taco Dark Web Rabbit Hole Tuesdays.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Yeah, I'll admit, the thought

of working with a fellow
Scot... that's tempting.

But Granger Zisk has been pressing
me pretty hard for my business.

And you should consider
all of your options.

However, at Crest, Fold...

Eh, you're off your head
if you go with Granger Zisk.

A bunch of boring old
bampots, if you ask me.

You're off your head.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

- A funny man, huh?
- [MUTTERING]

- Ah, get in here. All right.
- Okay.

That'll do it, Todd. That'll do.

LYLE: This feels so good.

So, until we get your
case straightened out

and you back into your apartment,

this is where you'll be living,

a-at no cost to you whatsoever.

And all you have to do is
provide some companionship

and light care to some
very troubled... reptiles.

How did you know I love iguanas?

[GASPS]

Intuition.

I can't tell you how wonderful
you've all made me feel.

Like I'm really worth something.

Well, of course you are
worth something, Leo.

And as soon as we figure out

the hacker behind this...

I found the lad. Uh, lassie.

I found the hacker.

Aye, it's Piper, me mates.

Uh, me scurvies.

[REGULAR ACCENT]:
Wh... It's Piper Harlow.

Why do you sound like an
Australian Scottish pirate?

I've had a lot of tacos today.

Piper Harlow? Uh, Leo,

do you know any Piper Harlow?

Uh... I looked her up online.

Piper Harlow is currently
serving a five-year sentence

at the Oregon State
Correctional Facility,

where she has no computer
access whatsoever.

But how could she have
possibly paper-k*lled Leo

from inside of a prison cell?

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Aye, it is
a wee bit of a head-scratcher.

[GATE BUZZES IN DISTANCE]

Hello, Piper.

Who the hell are you?

Are you Greg from my Prison Pen Pals ad?

'Cause I'm not sure I want
to get married anymore.

Ha, ha. No.

Listen, I want to hire you
to do a little job for me.

Well, um, I'm in prison, idiot.

Yeah, but word on the street is

even on the inside, you
know how to k*ll people

on paper.

Like you did to Leo Hart?

Never heard of the guy.

Really?

Because we traced
your digital footprint.

You mean "fingerprint," dummy.

Cops don't dust for footprints.

- Look, I got to go.
- Wait, wait, hold on. No.

I will drop 100 bucks into
your commissary account

if you answer just one more question.

Make it two.

Two questions for $100? Fantastic.

$200.

Right. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Okay. Deal. Tell me,

in order to gain backdoor
access on the dark web,

did you use triple
encryption or static malware?

Static malware.

Perfect.

Because I made that one up.

Doesn't exist, which you would know

if you were a hardened,
criminal computer hacker,

but you're not.

And something tells me
you're also not Piper Harlow.

I am Piper Harlow.

TODD: I'm telling you,

this rando woman has totally somehow

swapped places with Piper in prison.

Are you suggesting that
the real Piper has paid

this other woman to serve her time?

- Mm-hmm.
- [GROANS]

That is a mind-boggling supposition

that would require a
next-to-impossible network

of crooked contacts
inside the penal system.

Ooh, I don't like you saying "penal."

Speaking of sensitive people,

I hope that Susan was
able to land Rory McIntosh,

whom I did not have the
pleasure of meeting, as a client.

That would put us in the black,

for a few weeks, anyway.

I don't know, I heard
McIntosh really hit it off

- with Merritt Folding.
- Folding? The little worm.

But he is still leaning
towards Granger Zisk.

Those vultures. [GROANS] Again.

You see, I'm not sure that
Susan has the experience

to close a deal of this size.

So step in. Give her some guidance.

Lead the cows into the barn,

o-or tuck the monkeys into
their little monkey bed,

or-or harpoon the whales into the, um...

Or you sh... You can gi...

- You know, so they could swim, 'cause...
- Mm-hmm.

You should probably
stop while you're behind.

We should save the whales.

Anyway, Susan does not want my advice

or my help or anything.

In fact, lately, she's
been a pain in my butt.

However, maybe...

may... maybe you could suggest to her

that she give this client Rory,
uh, an extravagant gift basket.

- Yes, yes, yes!
- Mm.

- Text this to her right now.
- Right now?

Uh, full of Scottish comfort food,

like haggis and biskies

- Biskies?
- and... and luxury items and, oh,

and a little card that reads,

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: "At CF&W,
you'll always be at home."

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Text
that to her right now.

I am texting as fast as I can, ma'am.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Sorry I'm late.
- Oh.

No problem, dear. Uh,
the food is still warm.

And I see that you've
had your roots done.

Yeah, I did them myself.

Oh. And they look...

great?

Well, I am just thrilled that
you've made it here at all.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

I just know that you
worked overnight shift

and you're clearly very tired,

- and... but you showed up here...
- I'm not very tired, I'm...

I dressed up for you.

- I put on this nice scarf.
- Well, you dressed up your neck.

- The rest is just gross.
- It doesn't matter what I wear,

you're always gonna criticize...

Allison, I'm happy you're here.

I don't want to fight.

- I just want to feed you.
- [SCOFFS]

Okay.

[POURING WINE]

[CLEARS THROAT] And...

if you would like to
invite your new friend

- for dinner sometime...
- Oh, boy.

- My new friend?
- The one without the pants.

He seems very charming.

Charming. Okay.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay.

Now he seems charming.

When you met him, he was disappointing.

Like, I was disappointing.

But now he's charming.

Maybe I'll marry him, have his babies.

- Okay. You do what you need to do.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I think I need to be Mrs. d*ck Franks.

I think I need a second husband

who's had 17 heart att*cks

and what he's described as an open

psychosexual relationship with my aunt.

Todd, would you like some wine?

No, I'd actually like to die.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

Why aren't you saying anything?

Why aren't you criticizing me?

Allison.

If I say something, you're angry.

If I don't say something, you're angry.

I think you want to fight.

I think you need to
fight. To be mad at me.

To be mad at everything.

To-to blow your life up.

And you've asked me
not to control you. So,

if you need to have a gigantic meltdown,

I'm going to let you
have a gigantic meltdown.

Okay, that's fair.

I am, yeah, admittedly,

presenting a challenging situation.

I-I want guardrails, but I don't.

And... I just feel like
everything is in flux right now.

And I feel like I'm,
like, hiding from myself

inside my own life.

Hiding...

- From herself.
- What if Piper Harlow...

- Is hiding from her life inside her life.
- Okay, sorry, I was sort of in the middle

- of a big moment there.
- There's another person pretending to be her...

Right, so what's stopping
the real Piper Harlow from...

- Hiding in plain sight.
- Okay, I'm glad my personal crisis is secondary to...

In the safest, most
comfortable place possible.

- Okay. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.
- TODD: What is her address?

I'm glad that my problems could help you

cr*ck the case. Okay. I'll see you.

- Did you...
- Let me get her address. No, no, I have it.

- Ask Lyle?
- No, Lyle doesn't have it.

- But he might.
- I...

- I'll be in the bath.
- Lyle does have it.

- If you care, if you're listening.
- He's been...

- Okay.
- MARGARET: This is it? This is Piper's house?

- Mm.
- Hiding in her own home.

- It seems absurd, but...
- Look at all those blackout shades.

She is in there, hiding
from the whole world.

I know it. Now we just need to get her

to open the door and talk to us

- and tell the truth...
- Go lie down in that yard and play dead.

What? Are you serious?

First you're burying me alive

- and now I'm playing dead?
- I have an idea.

And no one's going to
open that door for nothing.

You go lie down and play dead.

- This is a $1,000 suit.
- This is a $12 jacket!

Wh...

What are you doing?

I am going to lie down

and play dead and you're going to ring

that doorbell and ask for help.

Okay. Fine, fine.

What are you doing
spending $1,000 on a suit?

I mean, with that kind of
money I could've bought, like...



Okay. That's very fast math.

[WHIMPERS]

Help! Help!

Call 911! Somebody help!

- Help, help!
- I know CPR.

- I can help.
- No, no!

Don't, don't! Just go away!

- Let her die.
- Aah! Aah!

Stop! Go, go, go. Exercise.

Oh, my God. Uh, can we use your phone

or-or your hose? Or, uh,
do you have a defibrillator?

[GROANING]

Hey! What's going on?

Hi, can I help you?

Piper Harlow.

Aren't you supposed to be in prison?

- We have some questions.
- You've got the wrong person.

Oh, please. We know all about
your little prison-swap scam.

You're a home-hiding hacker,

and now it's time to
pay the piper, Piper.

You've been waiting to say
that for days, haven't you?

Yes. Okay, look, we represent Leo Hart.

I represent... I am the lawyer...

Leo Hart, whom you have
gone to great lengths

to have declared dead.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Ah, maybe you'd rather talk to the cops

about skipping out on your sentence?

Oaky. Okay, look, it wasn't personal.

I was hired to do it.

Hired by whom?

Ethan Zillow.

What? Seriously? Another person?

When does this daisy
chain of suspects end?

I met Ethan online, and he...

he said he wanted Leo wiped off
the face of the earth, so I...

You had him k*lled for a price.

Okay, one last thing, or we're
turning you into the cops.

I don't mean magically transforming you

into the police, I mean... You get it.

How'd you pull off your
little inmate switcheroo?

There's a crooked corrections deputy

who handles prison transfers.

She does this for a price,

and I paid that other
woman to serve my sentence.

A corrections deputy at
the Multnomah County Jail?

Oh, Todd, let's go
find that Effrum Ziblow.

Wh... Ethan Zillow. What are you...

MARGARET: These are all
of the Ethan Zillows we could find

in the state of Oregon.

According to Piper,

she was paid by one of
these three men to k*ll you.

Do any of them look familiar?

Uh...

no.

Does the name Ethan Zillow ring a bell?

No, but...

but I used to know
someone named Sofie Zillow.

Sofie.

And-and who was she to you?

She was my girlfriend.

Almost 18 years ago, back
when I was still drinking.

She, uh, put up with me for
about two years before she left.

And you haven't stayed in touch?

No, not at all.

Do you think she had
something to do with this?

I wasn't gonna show you this,

because I thought that he
was too young to be a suspect,

but this is Ethan Zillow, Sofie's son.

- Son?
- Mm.

How old is he?

Sixteen.

MARGARET: All right, well, good morning.

I'm Margaret Wright, and, Sofie,

thank you for agreeing to meet
with us on such short notice.

- On the phone, you said felony, jail time.
- MARGARET: Mm-hmm.

Your son Ethan paid $5,000

from his Venmo account
to a computer hacker

to have my client, Leo,
legally declared dead.

What? H-How would he even know
how to do something like that?

He's 16. This is how you
drag me back into your life

after all this time, and you blame him.

I just want to know why.

You always said we were dead to him.

And that's why he was never
around, that he didn't care.

You have to work two crappy jobs

and do everything by
yourself because of him.

He treats us like we
don't exist, so I...

I used the money that
I saved up, and I...

MARGARET: And you went online,

found a hacker who could make it

so that Leo doesn't exist.

Why now?

I'm 16.

All of my friends are getting
their driver's licenses

and Stuart and Eric

are rebuilding old cars
with their dads, and...

... I don't get to do anything.

[SIGHS]

- I never even knew about you.
- Yeah, right.

- Mom had always said that...
- I lied.

I was trying to protect you.

- I thought it was best if you...
- LEO: No, your mom

did the right thing by lying to you.

I was in no shape to be
anyone's dad back then.

Ethan.

You're a juvenile.

And, Leo, if you choose not
to press charges, then...

I think we can keep him out of trouble.

You know, I happen to be a mechanic.

What kind of cars do you like?

And with your son Ethan's confession,

we should have no problem
clearing everything up

in probate court and
reversing your death.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I don't know how I can ever repay you

for all the things you've done.

Oh, no need.

We were happy to do this for you.

Thank you, Margaret.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

- May... It okay? Yeah? All right.
- [LAUGHS]: Oh, yeah, okay.

- Of course.
- Oh, thank you.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

You brought me back to life.

[LAUGHING]

Well...

I'm having a little God complex.

Trust the product.

The clients will come.

- [BUZZER SOUNDS]
- [EXCLAIMS]

What did you make me do?

Uh, not sure what you're referring to.

- Sorry, could you take a number?
- I was altered on dentist gas

and you took advantage of me.

Is that what the kids are
calling it now... dentist gas?

I don't remember
anything. What happened?

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing but going on the dark web

and lying to some people
and signing some papers.

- What papers?
- It's nothing,

you just signed over
lead detective to me

and cosigned a car loan

and made me your legal
guardian, but it's nothing.

You know, this is gonna sound crazy,

but I was thinking about Piper

and her little inmate switcheroo,

and I looked into it.

And you know who was in the same jail

and transferred to the same

prison and processed by
the same corrections deputy?

Who?

Veronica.

You don't think...

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Oh, hi.

I'm actually going
down. The elevator just

randomly took me to that
empty floor upstairs.

So, how are things
progressing with Rory McIntosh?

He's signing with us.

- Oh.
- I am on my way to meet Peter to celebrate.

- Hey, that's great.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Rory said he almost
went with Granger Zisk,

but he loved Todd's idea of

the Taste Of Scotland
gift basket I sent.

He said the personal touch
really convinced him that

I would go the extra mile for a client.

Hey, you know, that idea
was actually brilliant.

Yeah.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]:
Yeah, totally brilliant.