01x06 - FFA

[bunniefuu]

[horn honking]
[gasps]

Geez.
Hey.

[growls]

Dang.

[panting]

[grunts]

PEDRO:
Hello, Napoleon.

NAPOLEON:
Hey, Pedro.

[grunting]

[sighing]

♪ ♪

Awesome.

Dang!

KIP:
"If a farmer harvests


what will be its yield?"


Grandma, go!

What's wrong
with this cow's teats?

They're going
every which way.

Bovine mastitis,
stage three! Rico!

Why does my steak
taste like crap?

Because you're a freakin' mooch.

Get off my property.

But if you really want to know,

this is utility beef,
unfit for human consumption.

Correct.

You are on
fire, Napoleon.

You know I am.

Curtis and I are
totally gonna dominate

the state competition again,
just like last year.

[cow mooing]

I even memorized the Future
Farmers of America Creed.

"I believe in
the future of agriculture,

"with a faith born
not of words but of deeds.

I believe..."

Well, I believe
we got to go.

Fine! I'll just do it
for Tina.

"I believe in the...

Stupid lard!

Jerks.

Hey, Curtis, you ready
to kick some "A" at State?

You know it!
Wow, Napoleon!

You look so handsome
in your uniform.

You should be the
FFA catalog model.

I tried.
They liked my torso,

but they hated my face.

Well, good luck at State.

Bring me home a T-shirt?

Absolutely.

They're $4.99.

Ninety-nine!

Deb looks cute today.

Yeah. Too bad
she hates you.

Well, well, if it isn't
the Future Failures of America.

Yeah, right, Don, like
a farmer ever failed.

So, what are you gonna do
this year, Napoleon,

stick your hand
in a bunch of cow butts?

Yea-heah!

That event only happens
at nationals, Don.

Besides, FFA isn't
just about farming,

it's about friendship
and unforgettable memories.

Right, Curtis?

Curtis,

what are you doing
on Don's side?

Sorry, Napoleon,
but Don's razzing
really struck a chord.

I'm gonna be one of
the popular kids now.

You don't just quit FFA
and become popular.

It doesn't work like that.

Hey, Curtis, you coming to
my above-ground pool party?

You know it!
Yea-hea-heah!

[laughter]

[long sigh]

KIP:
♪ Time for some me time ♪

♪ Bubble bath take me away ♪

♪ Lavender
to clear my thoughts ♪

♪ And now my bath is ready. ♪

Dang it! Forgot Cornelius.

[gasps]

Spider!

Grandma, are you
near the monitor?

GRANDMA:
Always listening, Kipper.

Get in here quick.
Daddy long legs.

[running footsteps]

Where is the sucker?

[whimpers]

Don't hurt it!
I know a Chinese guy

who'll pay top dollar
for its venom.

[Grandma grunts, duck squeaks]
Corny!

[Grandma grunts]

[Kip and Rico exclaiming]
He's got backup.

[glass shatters]

Geez!

[Grandma screams]

I don't care what
Chun-Wei is paying,

I'm not going back in there

until you get
that place fumigated.

But where will we live
while our house is all gassy?

Shaylene said we could
stay in that cabin

where her uncle hung himself.

Nonsense.

My Santana sleeps
up to five people,

six if they're missing limbs.

You guys are staying with me.

But Grandma says
I'm not allowed in your van.

It's okay if I'm
with you, Kip.

NAPOLEON:
Pedro, I really need you

to be my partner at FFA.

I'd like to help you, Napoleon,
but it's Spirit Week,

and I'm under a lot of pressure.

What do you think
of this one?

I like it,
but I don't love it.

You're impossible!

[girls crying]

You see what I'm dealing with?

Come on, we'll make
a k*ller team.

We always have.

["Me and Julio Down by the
Schoolyard" intro plays]

Whoa...

Whee!

♪ In a couple of days
they come and take me away ♪

♪ But the press
let the story leak ♪

[dog barking]
♪ And I'm on my way ♪

♪ I don't know where I'm going ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ I'm taking my time,
but I don't know where ♪

♪ Good-bye Rosie,
Queen of Corona ♪

[buzzer sounds]

♪ See you, me and Julio
down by the schoolyard ♪

[alarm ringing]
♪ See you, me and Julio ♪

♪ Down by the schoolyard. ♪

Okay, that last one
didn't happen,

but we still make
a great team.

Hmm?

Yes!

The glory of State awaits!

I'm still recovering
from a s-st-stroke,

so I'd appreciate it if you boys
would keep an eye on me.

Whatever. Let's roll.

BUS DRIVER:
Do you boys smell
b-burnt toast?

NAPOLEON:
Yes. But I'm not sharing.

Okay, Pedro.

You better tie this
around your waist.
Why?

So we don't get separated
when I get mobbed.

I'm a superstar here.

Whatever you say,
Napoleon.

Uh...

Hello?

It's okay, Napoleon.

I'll still wear the rope.

Oh, my gosh,
it's Napoleon Dynamite!

[kids screaming excitedly]
Ay!

I've never been this
high in the air before.

Welcome to my world, Pedro.

KIP:
Good-bye, Tina.

RICO:
So how do you guys like
living in a van so far?

It's fun being
homeless, ain't it?

I'm hungry.
And I never got
to finish my bath.

Say no more.

I'm gonna teach you two
to live Rico-style.

You ready, Kipper?

Are you sure about this?

Oh, boy.

Whoa!

Wow, Kipper,

you look like
an Acapulco cliff diver.

You said you were gonna
get me something to eat.

Ask, and ye shall
receive, Carlinda.

Today's the day the soccer moms

clean out their minivans.

Juice boxes, string cheese,
stick candy...

It's a treasure trove
for the culinary magpie.

Is that jerky?

Ah!

Hey!

A dry cleaning receipt.

Looks like I got me
a new pantsuit.

Nice.

I judge a pig
like I judge a woman--

by her personality,

and back fat.

ALL:
Ah...

Thanks, Amanda.

[squeals]

Okay, I'll sign
your eggs now.

[kids talking indistinctly]

MAN: Hyah!
[whip cracks]

Whoa, girl.
Easy now.

What the crap? Filson?

Who's Filson?

FFA champion,

five years running.

Until last year,
when I wasted you.

ANNOUNCER:
Looks like Filson has
this in the bag, folks.

[cows moos]

Wait! I don't believe it!

Dynamite's going full udder!

[cheering]

Sweet!

Yes!

You were wearing
a sport bra?

It was a men's "action bra."
Shut up!

What are you doing here, Filson?

I thought you graduated.
Nope.

Failed English.

[kids gasp]

But you're great at English.

Is I, Napoleon? Is I?

[kids gasp]

You failed on purpose!

You didn't think I was gonna
let you have all the glory

and the women, did you?

You don't care about
the FFA, Filson.

Your jacket's not
even regulation.

You tore off the sleeves,

and it's supposed to be
zipped up all the way.

Nobody likes a bad boy
who doesn't play by the rules.

He's so bad.

What are you guys doing?

Stop looking at him!

Whoo! FFA!
Step back, kiss myself.

[cheering]

Pedro!

Sorry.

GRANDMA:
Rico, what are you doing?

I want to watch TV!

RICO:
When you live in a van,

the whole world is your
personal television set.

I do love
my trashy family dramas.

Well, enjoy the latest episode
of329 Oneida Street.

[music begins playing]
Okay, let me
get you caught up.

Last week,
that girl there,

she crashed her daddy's Miata
into a Cheesecake Factory.

That's not good.

And the mama thinks her
husband's cheating on her,

but he's just
being secretive

'cause he's planning
her birthday party.

Oh, also,
he's cheating on her.

This is my kind of show.

Hey! You in the van!

Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back
after this short break.

I told you to take
your peeping eyes elsewhere!

[Kip yells]

[punches landing]
KIP: My blouse! Ouch!

KIP:
Geez!

♪ ♪

[sniffs]

Filson may have
the glorious mane of a lion,

but he wouldn't know
a silty loam from a sandy clay.

Help! Help! Napoleon!

The Egg Queen!
She needs me!

But the judges are coming, and
my knowledge of dirt is limited.

Your Majesty!
What's wrong?

That billy goat stole my tiara.

Not on my watch.

Give it back, goat!

[goat chokes]

How could I ever repay you?

Your buttermilk complexion
and livestock thighs

are reward enough.

[giggles]

You're so sweet.

I'm gonna treat you to some
fried dough and apple dandies.

Sorry.

I've got soil to judge.

Soil will always be around,

but I won't.

Uh...

[goofy laugh]

Okay.

[giggles]

Now, we could stand here
talking all day

about how the 45-degree angle of
this land is poor for drainage,

but why criticize
this substandard sod

when we could talk about
my new low-rise flare-leg jeans!

Yeah!

Come on!
[cheering]

He's accurate
and sexy.

We're going to need an
answer from Team Dynamite.

How would you
evaluate this soil?

It's pretty good, I guess.

Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.

Eh... I also have jeans.

[grunting]

[chuckles]

Nicole, quit tickling me.

[both laughing]

Oh, I wish it were
pioneer times

'cause I think
we'd be married right now.

Napoleon, we just lost
the first event

because you weren't here.

Really? Sorry.

Oh, it's all my fault.

We spent the last hour
tickle-fighting.

But don't worry,

there's plenty
of events tomorrow.

Yeah, Pedro.
It'll be fine.

Loosen up, bro.

Are you finished?

Nicole, can you give us
a second?

Sure.

Look, I know I let you down,

but even though Nicole will
probably be my wife someday,

I'm gonna put things on hold so
we can focus on the competition.

You promise?

I'll go tell her
right now.

Hey, Napoleon, meet me here
at midnight

for a romantic picnic.

Okay!

It's done.

If that guy doesn't want people
watching his family,

they shouldn't be
so darn entertaining.

Shouldn't we be in a hospital
instead of a taxidermy shop?

And pay a million dollars
for a piece of thread?!

All Dr. Howie charges is
a couple of roadkill skunks.

[belches]

All done, Kip.

Really?

That didn't hurt at all.

Howie's fixed me up
plenty of times.

He even replaced my bit-off ear
with one from a wolf.

[grunts]

Your Majesty?

[soft music playing]

"Close your eyes
and make a wish.

Love, your Queen."

Nicole!

Pedro?!

I thought you were
putting things on hold.

You lied to me,
Napoleon.

I don't care. Get out of here!

I'm about to have a secret
dinner with my woman.

In a hole?

It's not a hole.
It's our love dungeon.

Well, I don't think
she loves you.

Look, her apples are fake.

[engine rumbling]
What? Huh?

[both gasping]

[both grunting]

Look what you've accidentally
done, my sweet!

You're even dumber than
Filson said you were.

Filson?!

I wasn't gonna lose

to you two years in
a row, Napoleon.

Now, enjoy some
fireworks

while I make out
with my fiancée.

Pop me some sugar!
[moans]

What?!
That's it, Nicole.

You gotta decide right now--

him or me.
[groans]

Don't worry, Pedro,
she'll be back.

You're crazy, Napoleon.

Even the earthworms
are laughing at us.

[giggling]

You begged me to come, Napoleon.

You said we were going
to be a team and rob banks!

Well, you're a freaking
crappy teammate!

Curtis never would've
let this happen to me.

He knew how to
bridle my passions.

Well, I'm not Curtis.

I'm Pedro Montoya
Carlos Sanchez

and you have shamed
and betrayed me. [spits]

I don't care how
many names you have!

You're dead!

[both grunting]

[grunting continues]

Hey, sounds like Napoleon's
in trouble.

Pedro, too.

Man, I love my wolf ear.

[both grunting weakly]

All right, Pedro,
I'm sorry.

I really did shatter
both our dreams.

I forgive you, Napoleon.

You were blinded by love.

Someday when people find
our dead, decroded bodies,

I hope they realize
that we were best buds.

Let's make a friendship loogie.

[both hawking]

Buried alive, huh?
I know what that's like.

Get us out of here!

I'm on it!

Ow!
Ah!

GRANDMA:
Hit it, Rico!

[both gasping]

[tires screech]

Let's go, Pedro!

The finals have
already started!

American.

[applause]

Fiesta Mexican blend.

[applause]

And...

Uh...

Swiss?

Correct.

[cheering]

Whoo! FFA!

NAPOLEON:
Lame.

What the...?!
I thought I m*rder*d you guys!

Looks like you just got
kissed by a rose from the grave.

Listen, you
gorgeous SOB,

if you ever bury one
of my boys again,

you're gonna become the
bad smell in my attic.

Looky here, your grandpa can
thr*aten me all he wants,

but I've already got this thing
in the bag.

Plus, one of the judges
is braiding my hair.

Oh, I can still be
impartial.

Come on, Pedro.
Let's rock this mother.

[bleating]

[baby giggling]

[cheering]

Thanks, I was getting
all freaked out down there.

Ooh!
[water splashes]

[sighs]

[device clicking]

Mmm...
Mm-hmm.

[whinnies happily]

Well, it appears we have a tie
between Team Filson--

I love you, Filson--

and Team Dynamite.

You know it.

There's only one way
to settle this.

One member from each team
must recite the FFA creed.

[audience gasps]

The creed! Sweet!
I got this.

Filson, you're up.

[applause]

[applause ceases]

I believe in the future
of agriculture

with a faith born not of words
but of deeds.

I believe that to live and work
on a good farm is pleasant

as well as challenging.

...for I know the joys and
discomforts of agricultural life

which, even in hours of
discouragement, I cannot deny.

[blows air]

[chirping]

ALL:
Aw...

I can exert an influence
in my home and community

which will stand solid for my
part in that inspiring task.

[cheering]

That flag always makes me wish
I hadn't deserted my unit.

My name is Napoleon Dynamite,

and here's my way better version
of the creed:

I believe in the future
of agriculture,

with a faith born
not of words but of deeds.

That's it, Nicole,
go for his pits.

[laughing]

He's blaspheming our creed!

[audience booing]

On behalf of the
Future Farmers of America,

I revoke your membership.

You are no longer a future
farmer or an American.

No!
[fingers snap]

Hey, stop
dragging me! Gosh!

And now we'd like to bring
Filson up

so we can reveal
who the winner is.

Wait!

Even though Napoleon is
a crappy friend sometimes,

he truly loves the FFA.

So while you were tearing
the patch off his jacket,

I wrote this song.

[ballad playing]

♪ I was thinking
the other day ♪

♪ As Napoleon zipped his jacket
up all the way ♪

♪ How he's proud
to be in the FFA ♪

♪ He loves to milk cows
and shear sheep ♪

♪ Judges piggies in his sleep ♪

♪ He can make
a grown horse weep ♪

♪ He's proud to say ♪

♪ He's in the FFA ♪

♪ And I'm proud to say ♪

♪ He's my best hombre ♪

♪ And I know
I wouldn't trade him ♪

♪ For food or hay. ♪

[audience cheering]

[sniffles]

That was the most beautiful song
about farming I've ever heard,

and I'm including "Old McDonald"
and "Jimmy cr*ck Corn."

[audience murmurs approval]

This is what the FFA
is all about:

friendship, loyalty,
and timely membership payments.

Therefore, I declare
Team Dynamite the winner!

[cheering]

Y'all want to see my Speedo?

[audience gasping]

Put your pants
back on, son.

Nobody cares.

You don't like this one,
I got another.

[fabric tears]
Oops! No, I don't!

Welcome back to the FFA, son.

Sweet!

Nice save, Pedro.

Curtis never would've done
that for me.

You were right, Napoleon.

We do make a pretty
awesome team.

Hey, Pedro,
don't tell Deb

about all that
tickling junk, okay?

I saw nothing.

Sure is good to have
our house back, Kipper.

It'll be nice to stretch out
and have you razor my corns.

Dang it.

Grandma, Rico's
talking to his van.

Yup.
He's pretty lonely.

It was fun having company,
wasn't it, Santana?

Aw, crap.

Nah, I wasn't ignoring
you, Santana.

I just had family over.

Hey, Uncle Rico,
it still smells

kinda poison-y
in the house.

Would it be okay
if we stay one more night?

Okay, Napoleon, last week,
the father got arrested

for b*ating up
a Peeping Tom

who, in a hilarious twist,
turned out to be Kip!

NAPOLEON:
That daughter's pretty hot.

GRANDMA:
Not for long

if she keeps eating meat loaf
like that!

NAPOLEON:
Rude.