Hello, Dolly! (1969)

[bunniefuu]

[drumroll]

[fanfare playing]

[music ends]

[train engine chugging]

[chugging continues]

[train whistle toots]

-[whistle blows]
-[bell clangs]

♪♪

CHORUS: ♪ Call on Dolly ♪

♪ If your neighbor needs a new romance ♪

♪ Just name the kind of man
your sister wants ♪

♪ And she'll snatch him up ♪

♪ Don't forget to bring
your maiden aunts ♪

♪ And she'll match 'em up ♪

♪ Call on--♪

DOLLY: Mrs. Dolly Levi.

CHORUS: ♪ She's the one
the spinsters recommend ♪

♪ She even found a lovely bride for ♪

♪ Poor cousin Isadore ♪

DOLLY: Social introductions arranged.

CHORUS: ♪ Drag your single relations out ♪

♪ In a week you'll have to send
engraved invitations out ♪

DOLLY: In an atmosphere
of elegance and refinement.

CHORUS: ♪ Call on Dolly ♪

DOLLY: Object: matrimony.

CHORUS: ♪ If your eldest daughter
needs a friend ♪

♪ Just name the kind of man
your sister wants ♪

♪ And she'll snatch him up ♪

♪ Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts
and she'll match 'em up ♪

♪ Call on Dolly ♪

♪ If your eldest daughter needs a friend ♪

♪ I have always been a woman
who arranges things ♪

♪ For the pleasure
and the profit it derives ♪

♪ I have always been a woman
who arranges things ♪

♪ Like furniture ♪

♪ And daffodils ♪

♪ And lives ♪

♪ If you want your sister courted ♪

♪ Brother wed or cheese imported ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want your roof inspected ♪

♪ Eyebrows tweezed or bills collected ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want your daughter dated ♪

♪ Or some marriage consummated ♪

♪ For a rather modest fee ♪

♪ If you want a husband spotted ♪

♪ Boyfriend traced or chicken potted ♪

♪ I'll arrange for making
all arrangements ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

Business trip or pleasure trip, Mrs. Levi?

Mr. Jones, with me business
is always a pleasure.

And you've got more businesses
than a dog has fleas.

Well, as my late husband
Ephraim Levi used to say,

"If you have to live from hand to mouth,
you better be ambidextrous."

[laughs]

♪ If you want your ego bolstered ♪

♪ Muscles toned or chair upholstered ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ Charming social introductions ♪

♪ Expert mandolin instructions ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want your culture rounded ♪

♪ French improved or torso pounded ♪

♪ With a 10-year guarantee ♪

♪ If you want a birth recorded ♪

♪ Collies bred or kittens boarded ♪

♪ I'll proceed to plan
the whole procedure ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

MR. SULLIVAN:
Where to, Dolly?

Yonkers, New York, to handle
a highly personal matter

for Mr. Horace Vandergelder,

the well-known, unmarried,
half-a-millionaire.

Gonna marry him yourself, Dolly?

Why, Mr. Sullivan, whatever put such
a preposterous idea into my head?

Your head. Oh. [chuckles]

♪ If you want a law abolished ♪

♪ Jury swayed or toenails polished ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want your liver tested ♪

♪ Glasses made, cash invested ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want your children coddled ♪

♪ Corsets pulled or furs remodeled ♪

♪ Or some nice fresh fricassee ♪

♪ If you want your bustle shifted ♪

-♪ Wedding planned or bosom lifted ♪
-[woman gasps]

Don't be ashamed, girls.
Life is full of secrets, and I keep 'em.

♪ I'll discreetly use my own discretion ♪

♪ I'll arrange for
making all arrangements ♪

♪ I'll proceed to plan
the whole procedure ♪

♪ Just ♪

♪ Leave everything ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪♪

[bell clanging]

HORACE: You will never marry my niece!

AMBROSE: And I tell you
for the thousandth time

that I will marry her!

HORACE:
Not without my permission you won't.

This is a free country.

[both arguing]

She's consented,
and I'm going to marry her!

I'm telling you that you will not!

-And I'm telling you I will.
-Never.

-Tomorrow.
-Never.

-Today.
-Ermengarde is not for you,

nor for anybody else
who can't support her--

-You are an artist.
-I make a very good living.

A living, Mr. Kemper,
is made by selling something

that everybody needs at least once a year.

-Yes, well, I--
-Yes, sir.

And a million is made
by producing something

that everybody needs every single day.

You artists, you painters produce nothing
that nobody needs, never.

You might as well know any way

Ermengarde and I can find to get married

is right and fair and we'll do it.

You are an impractical,
seven-foot-tall nincompoop.

-That's an insult!
-All the facts about you are insults!

That's what you have to say.

Thank you for the honor
of your visit. Good morning.

Ermengarde is of age.
And there's no law that--

Law? Did you say law?

Let me tell you something, Mr. Kemper.

The law is there to prevent crime.

We men of sense are there
to prevent foolishness.

It is I and not the law that will
prevent you from marrying my niece!

And I've already taken
the necessary steps.

-Steps?
-Yes.

Mrs. Dolly Levi
is on her way here even now.

-Dolly Levi? Your-- your marriage broker?
-Never mind that.

She's going to pick up Ermengarde
and take her to New York.

-New York?
-Yes. And keep her there

until this foolishness
is out of her head and yours.

Well, we'll see about that.

Thank you again for the honor
of your visit and good morning!

You have to sit still, Mr. Vandergelder.

If I cut your throat,
it'll be practically unintentional.

Ahh! Ninety percent of the people
in this world are fools,

and the rest of us
are in great danger of contamination.

Ahh, enough of this!
I'm a busy man with things to do.

A scraped chin is the least of them.

I did the best I could, Mr. Vandergelder.

-Joe?
-Yes?

I've got special reasons
for looking my best today.

Isn't there something a little extra
you can do, something a little special?

-What?
-You know,

do some of those things
you do to the young fellas.

Smarten me up a little bit.

You know, face massage,
a little perfume water.

All I know is 15 cents' worth like usual,
Mr. Vandergelder.

And that includes everything
that's decent to do to a man.

Listen, Joe, I don't want you
blabbing this down at the barbershop,

but I need something extra today
because I'm going to New York

to call on a very refined lady
name of Miss Irene Molloy.

Your calling on ladies is none
of my business, Mr. Vandergelder.

-Hold your horses, Joe--
-ERMENGARDE: Uncle Horace!

-Uncle Horace!
-Yes, what is it, Ermengarde?

What have you done to Ambrose?

-I had a quiet little talk with him.
-You did?

Yes. I explained to him that he's a fool.

-[sobs] Oh, Uncle.
-Weeping, weeping, a waste of water.

I've done you a good turn.
You'll come and thank me when you're 50.

[sobbing] But, Uncle, I love him.

Save your tears for New York
where they won't be noticed.

-But I love him!
-I tell you that you don't!

-But I do!
-Leave those things to me.

If I don't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!

-Of what?
-A broken heart!

-Never heard of it.
-[sobs]

Are you ready for Mrs. Levi
when she comes?

Yes.

Well, get ready some more
and stay in your room until she arrives.

[sobbing]

-[door slams]
-[sobbing continues]

Cornelius!

Barnaby!

Barnaby!

Cornelius!

Barnaby!

[stamping]

You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?

-HORACE: Yes, I stamped.
-[bag clatters]

Are my niece's bags
at the railroad station?

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

And you, did you label them properly?

-Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.
-Good. Now look,

I'm going to New York today
on important business,

then I'll be marching
in the 14th Street Parade.

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

I'm planning to stay overnight
at the Central Hotel.

We've never been here alone,
Mr. Vandergelder.

Now, in honor of the occasion,
I'm going to promote you both.

-Cornelius, how old are you?
-28 and 3/4, Mr. Vandergelder.

Is that all?

-[cash register dings]
-That's a foolish age to be at.

I thought you were 40.

No. I'm 28 and 3/4.

Well, a man's not worth a cent
until he's 40.

We just pay him wages until then
to make mistakes.

Anyway, I've decided to
promote you to chief clerk.

-Chief clerk?
-Yes.

What am I now?

You're an impertinent fool,
that's what you are!

Now, if you behave yourself,

I'll promote you from
impertinent fool to chief clerk,

with a raise in your wages.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

HORACE:
You, Barnaby,

I'm promoting you from idiot apprentice
to incompetent clerk.

BARNABY:
Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

CORNELIUS:
Mr. Vandergelder? Mr. Vandergelder?

Well, what is it?

Does a chief clerk get
one evening off a week?

So that's the way you thank me
for your promotion, eh?

No, sir! You'll attend
to the store as usual!

An evening free.

You keep on asking for evenings free,

and you'll find yourself
with all your days free.

-Remember that.
-CORNELIUS: Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

And listen, when I come back,

I want to hear that you've run the
place perfectly in my absence.

If I hear of any foolishness,
I'll discharge you both.

BOTH: Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

You might as well know it now.

When I return from New York,

there are going to be
some changes around here.

Changes?

Yes, you're going to have a mistress.

I'm too young, Mr. Vandergelder.

Not yours, idiot. Mine.

I mean I'm planning to get married.

-Married?
-Yes, married. Any objections?

-Well, no, but--
-No.

Many congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder,

and to the lady, too.

That's none of your business.

-Any further questions?
-No, but--

-But what?
-But I mean--

-But what? What? Speak up! What?
-Why?

-Why what, damn it? Speak up!
-Why are you getting married?

Let me tell you something, son.

I've worked hard, and I've become rich

and friendless and mean.

And in America,

that's about
as far as you can go.

[horse whinnies]

It's time to be doing something
a little bit foolish.

Besides, I need a steady housekeeper.

♪ It takes a woman ♪

♪ All powdered and pink ♪

♪ To joyously clean out ♪

♪ The drain in the sink ♪

♪ And it takes an angel ♪

♪ With long, golden lashes ♪

♪ And soft Dresden fingers ♪

♪ For dumping the ashes ♪

♪ Yes, it takes a woman ♪

♪ A dainty woman ♪

♪ A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A fragile woman ♪

♪ To bring you the sweet things in life ♪

♪ The frail young maiden ♪

♪ Who's constantly there ♪

♪ For washing and bluing ♪

♪ And shoeing the mare ♪

♪ And it takes a female ♪

♪ For setting the table ♪

♪ And weaning the Guernsey ♪

♪ And cleaning the stable ♪

♪ Yes, it takes a woman ♪

♪ A dainty woman ♪

♪ A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A fragile woman ♪

♪ To bring you the sweet things in life ♪

♪ And so she'll work ♪

♪ Until infinity ♪

♪ Three cheers for ♪

♪ Femininity ♪

[whinnies]

♪ God bless ♪

♪ Fe-mi-ni-ni-ty ♪

♪ And in the winter ♪

♪ She'll shovel the ice ♪

♪ And lovingly set out ♪

♪ The traps for the mice ♪

♪ She's a joy and treasure ♪

♪ For, practically speaking ♪

♪ To whom can you turn
when the plumbing is leaking ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Dainty woman ♪

♪ That fragile woman ♪

♪ That sweetheart, that mistress ♪

♪ That wife ♪

♪ That womanly wife ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A husky woman ♪

♪ To bring you the sweet things in life ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A dainty woman ♪

♪ A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A fragile woman ♪

♪ To bring you the sweet things ♪

♪ In li-i-i-i-ife ♪

DOLLY: Well, well, well, well, well.

Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder.

Mr. Hackl. Mr. Tucker.

Gentlemen.

ALL: Good morning, Mrs. Levi.

-Uh, morning, Mrs. Levi.
-Oh. How handsome you look today.

Ooh. You absolutely take my breath away.

Ermengarde's upstairs crying her eyes out.

You can take her to New York
now, but blow her nose first.

If only Irene Molloy could see you now.

HORACE:
Uh, find someplace else to loaf!

-And you two get back to the store! Go on!
-TOGETHER: Yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

HORACE: And don't forget to put
the lid on the sheep dip!

I don't know what's come over you lately,

but you seem to be growing
younger every day.

Well, if a man eats careful,

there's no reason why he should look old.

DOLLY:
You never said a truer word.

Even if I never see 40-- uh, 35 again.

Thirty-five.

Why I can see at a glance
that you're the sort

that'll be stamping about at 100
eating five meals a day

just like, what's his name,
my Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace.

Let me see your hand, Mr. Vandergelder.

Oh, show me your hand.

-Why?
-Well, I'm a judge of hands. I read hands.

-And I use them to get things done.
-Oh, my!

-What? What?
-Lord in heaven!

-Goodness gracious!
-What?

-Oh, I just can't believe it!
-What, what?

-Such a long lifeline.
-Where?

Oh, from here to here. [chuckles]
I don't know where it goes.

It runs right off your hand.

They'll have to hit you
over the head with a mallet.

They'll have to stifle you
with a sofa pillow.

-You will bury us all.
-I will?

-Say--
-Yes?

-You're all spiffed-up today, aren't you?
-Yes.

And not for the benefit
of this smelly horse either.

-Well--
-Well, if I had a guess,

I'd say you was goin' somewhere.

Remarkable, Mrs. Levi. How do you do it?

Two and two is four, Mr. Vandergelder.

With a head like yours,
you should be a rich woman someday.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Then I suggest that you
go about your business

and pick up Ermengarde,

for which I'm paying you good money.

Oh. Speaking of business,
Mr. Vandergelder,

um, I suppose
you've changed your mind again

and given up all idea of getting married?

-Is that what you suppose?
-Uh-huh.

Then suppose you listen
to this, Mrs. Levi.

I've decided--

I've practically decided
to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife.

-You have?
-Yes, I have.

I'm going to New York and discuss it
with her this very afternoon.

Well, that is just about the best news
I have ever heard, Mr. Vandergelder.

Oh, yes, indeed, marvelous news.

Oh, dear me. Isn't it wonderful though?

I mean, I'm racking my brain here.

I'm trying to think of something that
I've heard that has made me happier,

but I just can't come up with a thing,

because this is just too wonderful--
It really is.

Well, it--
it's all your fault, you know.

You put me into this marrying
frame of mind

with all your
introductions and your scheming.

A poor widow has to earn a living.

One morning I wake up and suddenly
the whole house seems like an empty shell.

-It certainly is.
-And pretty messy too.

It certainly is.

A man needs someone
to take out the garbage.

And Irene Molloy's just the one to do it.

Oh, darling girl.

Well, I think it's perfectly wonderful

what's gonna happen in your household,
Mr. Vandergelder.

I never did like the idea of, uh,
all that, uh, all that money of yours

lying around in great piles in the bank,

so useless and motionless.

As my late husband
Ephraim Levi used to say,

"Money-- money should circulate
like rainwater.

"It should be flowing
down among the people,

"through little dressmakers
and cabmen and restaurants.

Setting up a little business here,
furnishing a good time over there."

Oh, I just know that you and the future
Mrs. Vandergelder

will see that all your hard-earned wealth

starts flowing in and around
many people's lives.

-Just flowing.
-All right.

-Pouring out.
-Stop saying that!

So I guess there's nothing more
for me to do now

but wish you every happiness under the sun

-and say good-bye, Mr. Vandergelder.
-Yes, well, good-bye.

And when I get back to New York,

I'll just tell the other girl
I had lined up for you,

the heiress, not to wait.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing, nothing. A word--heiress.

Well, just a minute. That's, uh--

That's kind of unusual,
isn't it, Mrs. Levi?

Well, I haven't been
wearing myself to the bone

hunting up usual girls
to interest you, Mr. Vandergelder.

But now, of course, all that's too late.

-You're engaged to marry Irene Molloy.
-I am not engaged.

I cannot keep upsetting and disturbing
the finest women in New York City

unless you mean business.

Who said I don't mean business?

Well, I hope you do,

because you're playing
a very dangerous game, you know.

-Dangerous?
-Well, of course it's dangerous.

It's called, uh, tampering
with a woman's affections,

and the only way you can save yourself
from that charge, Mr. Vandergelder,

is to get married to someone soon,
very soon.

-Don't worry.
-I won't.

I'll meet you on the bench in front of
Irene Molloy's hat shop at 2:30 as usual.

Never mind. You don't have to.
You've already done your work.

Oh, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I want to be there to make sure
that nothing goes wrong.

Just tend to Ermengarde,
and take her to New York,

or else I'll ask you to
return the fee I gave you for that.

-Speaking of money--
-Oh, no.

-I almost forgot to tell you--
-How much?

Well, it seems that I left
my return railroad ticket

and all my money in my other handbag,

which I took to the cleaners the other day
just before it b*rned down-- 50?

-Fifty?
-Twenty. Oh, bless you.

And don't you worry your handsome head
about a thing, Mr. Vandergelder.

Just keep all your thoughts
on that lovely Irene Molloy.

[tongue clicks]

♪♪

[bicycle bell dings]

[dings]

♪ It takes a woman ♪

♪ To quietly plan ♪

♪ To take him and change him ♪

♪ To her kind of man ♪

♪ And to ♪

♪ Gently lead him ♪

♪ Where fortune can find him ♪

♪ And not let him know ♪

♪ That the power behind him ♪

♪ Was that ♪

♪ Dainty woman ♪

♪ That fragile woman ♪

♪ That sweetheart ♪

♪ That mistress ♪

♪ That--♪

Wife.

♪♪

[humming]

♪ Da, da, da dum ♪

♪ Da, da, da dum ♪

[sighs] If he had any taste at all,

he'd have the shutters done over in green.

Mmm.

Forest-green shutters.

ERMENGARDE: What are you doing? Ambrose!

-AMBROSE: Get your things. Hurry!
-Get that away from here! If my uncle--

AMBROSE: He's not here. He just left.

-Now, quick. We're running away.
-Running away?

AMBROSE:
Will you hurry before the train gets here?

-Train?
-To New York.

To get married. We're going to elope.

ERMENGARDE:
Elope? How can you use such an awful word?

Oh, Ermengarde.

My, what a romantic scene.

ERMENGARDE:
Oh, Mrs. Levi,

please explain to Ambrose,
I want to marry him but not elope!

This doesn't concern Mrs. Levi.

Mr. Kemper, everything
concerns Dolly Levi.

Don't listen to her.
I know why you're here.

DOLLY: To help you, and love needs
all the help it can get.

-AMBROSE: Get your things and climb out.
-Wait a minute.

-Now, listen to me, both of you.
-There's no time.

Mr. Kemper, do you mind if we climb in?

I'm feeling an updraft in my underpants.

-Oh, Mrs. Levi!
-This is no way to elope.

DOLLY: If you follow my suggestions,

not only will Horace Vandergelder
give you permission to get married,

but he will also dance at your wedding,

and not alone either.

-Mr. Kemper?
-AMBROSE: Yes?

-Can you dance?
-Dance?

-Yes, dance.
-I'm an artist, Mrs. Levi. I paint.

No problem.

"Mrs. Dolly Levi:
Painters Taught How to Dance."

Now, here's what we'll do.

Ermengarde, I'm gonna take you to New York
as your uncle requested--

AMBROSE: You see? I told you!

-You, Mr. Kemper, will stay close by.
-I will?

Tonight, you will take her to dinner
at the Harmonia Gardens restaurant.

-For what?
-DOLLY: There's this man there.

Rudolph Reisenweber.
He knows me well.

We'll enter you and Ermengarde
in the polka contest.

-ERMENGARDE: The polka contest?
-The prize is a gold cup and some money.

And you'll win it. We'll see to that.

Oh! The cups we won, my husband and I.

Now wait a minute.

I'm surprised that you have acquaintances
in a place like that, Mrs. Levi.

Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.

Dear friends from days gone by.

My late husband Ephraim Levi
believed in life,

anyplace you could find it,

wherever there were people,
all kinds of people.

And every Friday night,
even when times were bad--

every Friday night, like clockwork,

down those stairs of the Harmonia Gardens
we came, Ephraim and I.

Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.

It's all very well for you, Mrs. Levi,

but you're suggesting
that Ermengarde and I--

Mr. Kemper, do you or do you not wish
to show Horace Vandergelder

-that you two mean business?
-BOTH: Yes!

DOLLY: Well, all right then.

You must go to the
Harmonia Gardens restaurant

and say that Mrs. Levi sent you.

And, oh, yes, well, uh, tell Rudolph--

-Tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back.
-Dolly's coming back.

Yes. I want a table for two
and stuffed chicken for 8:00.

AMBROSE: 8:00.

Mr. Vandergelder will learn
of your triumph in the polka contest

and everything will work out beautifully.

But how, Mrs. Levi? How?

How? [laughs]

Ohh.


and I still don't get an evening free.

When am I gonna begin to live?

-Barnaby, how much money have you got?
-Huh?

-I mean, that you can get your hands on?
-About $3.00. Why?

[chuckles] Barnaby, you and I
are going to New York!

BARNABY:
Cornelius, we can't! Close the store?

We'll have to, 'cause some rotten cans
of chicken mash are going to explode.

Holy cabooses! How do you know?

'Cause I'm gonna light
some candles under them.

-You are?
-They'll make such a stink

that customers won't be able
to come in this place for 24 hours!

That'll get us an evening free.

We are going to New York, Barnaby,
and we are gonna live!

We're gonna have a good meal.
We're gonna be in danger.

We're gonna get almost arrested,
and we're gonna spend all our money!

-Holy cabooses!
-And one more thing.

We are not coming back to Yonkers
until we've each kissed a girl.

Cornelius, you can't do that.
You don't know any girls.

I'm 28 and 3/4.

I got to begin sometime.

I'm only 19 and a half.

With me, it's not so urgent.

May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?

CORNELIUS: Mrs. Levi.

I just couldn't help hearing.

-We'll be fired.
-We were only talking!

Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker,

there is nothing that makes me happier

than the thought of two fine young men
such as yourselves

enjoying the company of two lovely ladies.

What ladies? Where?

In New York, Mr. Hackl,

to which, unless my ears
play me tricks, you are bound.

Now, there's this millinery shop
run by a charming woman.

"Irene Molloy."

DOLLY: And her most attractive
assistant, Miss Minnie Fay.

Holy cabooses!

And now that you've noted the address,

I have only this to say--



is the ideal time
for friendly conversation.

Definitely no later than 2:30.

And if you ever say that
this was my suggestion,

well, I shall denounce you both
for the terrible liars that you are.

[door slams]

♪♪

A millinery shop.

Women who work.

-Adventure, Barnaby.
-I'm scared.

-Living, Barnaby!
-I'm scared.

-Will you come, Barnaby?
-Yes, Cornelius! Yes!

CORNELIUS:
The lights of Broadway, elevated trains,

the stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum!

Stuffed whale. Wow!

Women who work! Wow!

All clear up here, Cornelius!

You gonna light 'em all?
Hey, Cornelius, look out!

That bottom row, they're--

They're swelled up
like they're ready to bust!

[expl*si*n]

Holy cabooses! What a smell!

Let's get dressed, Barnaby!
We're going to New York!

♪ Out there ♪

♪ There's a world outside of Yonkers ♪

♪ Way out there beyond
this hick town, Barnaby ♪

♪ There's a slick town Barnaby ♪

♪ Out there ♪

♪ Full of shine and full of sparkle ♪

♪ Close your eyes
and see it glisten, Barnaby ♪

♪ Listen, Barnaby ♪

[explosions]

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪

♪ There's lots of world out there ♪

♪ Get out the brilliantine
and dime cigars ♪

♪ We're gonna find adventure
in the evening air ♪

♪ Girls in white in a perfumed night ♪

♪ Where the lights are bright
as the stars ♪

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪

♪ We're gonna ride through town ♪

♪ In one of those new
horse-drawn open cars ♪

♪ We'll see the shows at Delmonico's ♪

♪ And we'll close the town in a whirl ♪

♪ And we won't come home
until we've kissed a girl ♪

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out ♪

♪ Strut down the street
and have your picture took ♪

♪ Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about ♪

♪ That Sunday shine is a certain sign ♪

♪ That you feel as fine as you look ♪

♪ Beneath your parasol
the world is all a smile ♪

♪ That makes you feel brand-new
down to your toes ♪

♪ Get out your feathers
your patent leathers ♪

♪ Your beads and buckles and bows ♪

♪ For there's no blue Monday
in your Sunday ♪

♪ No Monday in your Sunday ♪

♪ No Monday in your Sunday clothes ♪

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out ♪

♪ Strut down the street
and have your picture took ♪

♪ Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about ♪

♪ That Sunday shine is a certain sign ♪

♪ That you feel as fine as you look ♪

♪ Beneath your parasol
the world is all a smile ♪

♪ That makes you feel brand-new
down to your toes ♪

-♪ Get out your feathers ♪
-♪ Your patent leathers ♪

♪ Your beads and buckles and bows ♪

♪ For there's no blue Monday
in your Sunday clothes ♪

♪♪

CHILDREN: ♪ Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out ♪

♪ Strut down the street
and have your picture took ♪

♪ Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about ♪

♪ That Sunday shine is a certain sign ♪

♪ That you feel as fine as you look ♪

♪ Beneath your bowler brim
the world's a simple song ♪

♪ A lovely lilt that
makes you tilt your nose ♪

-[whistle blows]
-♪ Get out your slickers ♪

♪ Your flannel knickers ♪

♪ Your red suspenders and hose ♪

♪ For there's no blue Monday ♪

♪ In your Sunday ♪

♪ No blue Monday ♪

♪ In your Sunday clothes ♪

Ermengarde, keep smiling.
No man wants a little ninny.

Ambrose, do a turn, let me see.

Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker,
don't forget Irene and Minnie.

Just forget you ever heard a word from me.

[whistle blows]

-♪ All aboard ♪
-♪ All aboard ♪

-♪ All aboard ♪
-♪ All aboard ♪

-♪ All aboard ♪
-♪ All aboard, all aboard, all aboard ♪

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes ♪

♪ There's lots of world out there ♪

♪ Put on your silk cravat
and patent shoes ♪

♪ We're gonna find adventure
in the evening air ♪

♪ To town we'll trot to a smoky spot ♪

♪ Where the girls are hot as a fuse ♪

♪ Put on your silk high hat
and at the turned-up cuff ♪

♪ We'll wear a handmade
gray suede, buttoned glove ♪

♪ You're gonna take New York by storm ♪

♪ We'll join the Astors at Tony Pastor's ♪

♪ And this I'm positive of ♪

-[whistle blows]
-♪ That we won't come home ♪

♪ No, we won't come home ♪

♪ No, we won't come home ♪

♪ Until ♪

♪ We fall ♪

♪ In ♪

♪ Love ♪

[whistle blows]

Do get done with that, Minnie.

The men are eyeing us
for the wrong reason.

A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

You mean an apple a day.

Who ever heard of a doctor
slipping on an apple peel?

How are you, Miss Molloy?

If I felt any better,
I'd be positively indecent.

-MINNIE: Oh, you are in a mood today.
-IRENE: Oh, I certainly am.

-Paper?
-[Minnie giggles]

[giggling continues]

-Not that it's any of my business, but--
-Yes?

But is it because-- I mean--

Minnie, I don't mind that
you never finish your lunch,

but I do mind that you never
finish your sentences.

Well, what I meant was,
are you really going to--

-I mean--
-Silly girl, say it.

Am I going to marry Horace Vandergelder?

Yes, I'm seriously considering it
if he asks me.

Oh, Miss Molloy,
I'd rather die on the rack

than ask you such a personal question,

but as long as we're on the subject,
why would you? I mean--

Because he's rich, Minnie, that's why.

He can rescue me from
the millinery business.

-I hate hats.
-Hate hats?

Oh, good afternoon to you,
Officer Gogarty.

[whistle blows]

And the rest of the day
to you, Miss Molloy.

Ah, Minnie, why is it that

all the attractive men in New York
are married?

Blarney, Miss Molloy! Blarney!

-Come on now, get going! All of you!
-[giggling]

[whistle blows]

[laughs] Oh, the way you talk!

It's natural to talk about men.

I mean, what you said about hating hats.

Oh, not just hats.
Particularly the women who buy them.

You don't mean that, Irene Molloy.

Oh, yes, I do, Minnie Fay.

All lady milliners are suspected
of being wicked women.

Oh! Wicked women?

Half the time those dowagers
who come into the shop

come in merely to stare at me
and wonder about me.

MINNIE: Ooh. How dare they!

And if they were certain
I was a wicked woman,

they wouldn't set foot in the shop again.

Well, good riddance. Who needs them?

We do, unfortunately.

So do I go out to restaurants?

No. It would be bad for business.

Do I go to balls or theaters or operas?

No. It would be bad for business.

The only men I ever get to meet

are the feather merchants
who come in here to sell me things.

Minnie, I'm sick and tired of being
suspected of being a wicked woman

with nothing to show for it.

MINNIE [giggling]:
Oh! Miss Molloy!

Why does everybody have adventures but me?

Adventures?

Because I have no spirit,
that's why. No gumption.

Oh, either I marry Horace Vandergelder,

or I'm gonna burn this shop down
and break out like a fire engine

-and find myself some excitement.
-[giggles]

The things you're saying today!
I think they're just awful.

Oh, aren't they though?

And I'm enjoying every word of it.

What's this? A return
from Miss Mortimer again?

Same old story.

She wants cherries and feathers,
cherries and feathers.

To catch a beau, I suppose.

If you ask me,
she'd do better with a heavy veil.

[giggles]
Well, I told her ribbons down the back

is the thing this summer
to catch a gentleman's eye.

But she'd have none of it.

Cherries and feathers she wants.

Minnie, make another hat
for Miss Mortimer.

I'm wearing this one myself.

-Oh, but you can't.
-Why not?

Oh, because it's-- it's, uh, provocative.

[giggles] That's why not.

Well, who knows that provocative
isn't just what I might want to be today?

♪♪

♪ I'll be wearing ribbons down my back ♪

-♪ This summer ♪
-[giggles]

♪ Blue and green and streaming
in the yellow sky ♪

♪ So if someone special comes my way ♪

♪ This summer ♪

♪ He might notice me ♪

♪ Passing by ♪

♪ And so ♪

♪ I'll try to make it easier to find me ♪

♪ In the stillness of July ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ A breeze might stir
a rainbow up behind me ♪

♪ That might happen to catch ♪

♪ The gentleman's eye ♪

♪ And he might smile ♪

♪ And take me by the hand ♪

♪ This summer ♪

[giggles]

♪ Making me recall ♪

♪ How lovely love ♪

♪ Can be ♪

♪ And so I will proudly wear ♪

♪ Ribbons down my back ♪

♪ Shining in my hair ♪

♪ That he might ♪

♪ Notice me ♪

MINNIE:
Miss Molloy.

You don't love
Horace Vandergelder, do you?

Of course I don't love him.

Then how-- how can you-- I mean--

Minnie, look.
There are two men staring at the shop.

-Men?
-Uh-huh.

-IRENE: Aren't they delicious?
-MINNIE: You don't think--

I mean, it isn't possible
they're planning to--

IRENE: Yes, I do believe
they mean to come in here.

-Men in the shop! Oh, what'll we do?
-Do?

Why, flirt with them, of course.
I'll give you the short one.

Ooh, Miss Molloy, you're terrible!

We'll get them all heated up,
and then we'll drop them cold.

It'll be good practice for married life.

Let's go into the workroom
and pretty ourselves up a bit.

-[giggles] You say vamp, I'll scream.
-Vamp.

[screams, giggles]

I must say I like the tall one.

Adventure, Barnaby.

We can still catch the train
back to Yonkers.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum.

Women, Barnaby.

Stuffed women.

There's no one here. We can leave.

I'd never forgive myself.
[yelps]

[chuckles]

Are you sure this is
an adventure, Cornelius?

You don't have to ask, Barnaby.

When you're in one,
you'll know it all right.

How much money have we got left?

Forty cents for the train back,


and 20 cents to see the whale.

Well, when they come out,
we'll pretend we're rich.

That way we won't have to spend anything.

Well, why don't we just say
that Mrs. Levi sent us?

No! We're not supposed
to ever say that! Shh!

We're two men-about-town
looking for hats for ladies.

What ladies?

Good afternoon, ma'am.
Wonderful weather we're having.

How do you do, ma'am?
And how are your hats?

Charmed to make your acquaintance.

A lovely place you have here.

-Good afternoon, gentlemen.
-CORNELIUS: Hmm?

[stammers]

-Cornelius Hackl here.
-Barnaby Tucker here.

Irene Molloy here.

I'm very happy to meet you.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Oh!

Well, you see, we're two ladies-about-town
lookin' for some hats to Molloy--

We're hats, you see, and we wondered

if we could buy a lady or two
to Molloy with for the after--

[chuckles] We want a hat.

Well, for a lady, of course.

And everyone said to go to Miss Molloy's
'cause she's so pretty--

I mean, her hats are so pretty.

And what sort of hat
would Mrs. Hackl be liking?

Oh, no, Miss Molloy,
there is no Mrs. Hackl.

Yes, there is. Your mother.

She didn't mean that.
Did you, Miss Molloy?

Now, this lady friend of yours,

couldn't she come in with you someday
and choose the hat herself?

Impossible. There is no lady friend.

But I thought you said that
you were coming here to choose--

I mean, she's Barnaby's.

Huh? What?

Yes, but-- but she lives in Yonkers,

and she said to pick out
something reasonable under a dollar.

Don't be silly, Barnaby.

Money's no object with us. None at all.

[Minnie coughing]

IRENE: Oh, this is my assistant--
Miss Minnie Fay.

Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker.

-Good afternoon, ma'am.
-Afternoon, ma'am.

[giggling]

Excuse me, Mr. Tucker,

did you say Yonkers?

Yes, ma'am. We're from Yonkers.

Well, are you?

Yes. And forgive me for saying this,

but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy.

Well, by that I mean, perhaps you
and your gentleman friend here in New York

might like to see it.

Some say it's the most beautiful
town in the world.

That's what they say.

So I've heard,

but I'm afraid I don't have
a gentleman friend here in New York.

You don't?

Barnaby, she doesn't
have a gentleman friend.

[chuckles] Hey, that's too bad.

You know, if you should happen
to have a Sunday free--

You're Catholic, aren't you?

Well, don't let that worry you.
I'd be willing to change.

If you're free in the near future, I'd--

Well, we'd like to show you Yonkers
from top to bottom.

It's very historic.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Hackl,

I might be there sooner than you think.

CORNELIUS: This Sunday?

You see, I have a friend
who lives in Yonkers.

-You do?
-Perhaps you know him.

-I do?
-[giggles]

It's always so foolish to ask
in cases like that, isn't it?

Why should you know him?
It's a Mr. Vandergelder.

Mr. Vandergelder, oh!

Horace Vandergelder?

Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?

Yes, do you know him?

TOGETHER: Oh, no!

No! No, no, no, no!

As a matter of fact,

Mr. Vandergelder's coming here
to see me this very afternoon.

-Coming here?
-This afternoon?

Cornelius! Cornelius, look!

-CORNELIUS: It's wolf-trap!
-Look out!

-Beggin' your pardon, Miss Molloy.
-IRENE: Gentlemen, what are you doing?

We'll explain later.
Just help us just this once!

-IRENE: Come out of there this minute!
-[chuckles]

We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy.

Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker,

I insist that you both come out,
or I'll be forced to--

Mr. Vandergelder, how nice to see you.

And Dolly Levi. What a surprise.

Irene, my darling, how well you look.
You must be in love.

Afternoon, Miss Molloy.

What a pleasure to have you in New York,
Mr. Vandergelder.

Yes. Yonkers lies up there
decimated today.

We thought we'd pay you
a little visit, Irene,

unless it's inconvenient.

Inconvenient? Whatever gave you that idea?

Mr. Vandergelder thought
he saw two customers in the shop--

two, uh, men.

Men! Oh! [chuckles]
In a ladies' hat shop?

[chuckles] Come. Let's go into
my workroom, Mr. Vandergelder.

-I'm so eager for you to see it.
-HORACE: I've already seen it twice.

But I need your advice.

Advice from Mr. Vandergelder.

The whole city should
hear this and grow rich.

Advice is cheap, Miss Molloy.

It's the things that come
gift wrapped that count.

I have never heard it
put more beautifully.

Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

Chocolate-covered peanuts, unshelled.

They're the expensive kind.

Why don't we open them in the workroom?

Miss Molloy, I've come here today

because I have important business
to discuss with you

just as soon as Mrs. Levi says good-bye.

Pay no attention to me. I'm just browsing.

Business, Mr. Vandergelder?
The hay and feed business?

Well, not exactly.

A new hat shop in Yonkers?

I hear it's a very beautiful city,
and quite historic according--

HORACE: Yes, go on.

Who's been telling you
about Yonkers, may I ask?

-IRENE: Oh, nobody. A friend.
-What friend?

Well, you see, he--

He?

Yes, uh, he--

-His name, Miss Molloy.
-What?

His name.

Oh, I believe it was--
is Mr. Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers.

-Cornelius Hackl?
-Yes.

-Do you know him?
-He's my head clerk.

-He is?
-Yes. He's been in my store for 10 years.

Where would you have known him?

Just one of those chance
meetings, I suppose.

Yes, oh, yes, one of
those chance meetings.

Chance meetings?

Cornelius Hackl has no right
to chance meetings!

-Where was it?
-[cane thumping]

Really, Mr. Vandergelder.

It's very unlike you to
question me in such a way.

Well the-- the truth might as well
come out now as later.

Mr. Vandergelder, your head clerk
is better known than you think he is.

-Nonsense.
-Oh, yes. He's in New York all the time.

He goes everywhere. He's very well liked.

Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl.

HORACE: He never comes to New York.
He works all day in my store.

Then he goes to sleep
in the bran room at 9:00.

So you think, but it's not true.

Dolly Levi, you are mistaken.

Horace Vandergelder, you keep your nose
so deep in your account books,

you don't even know what goes on.

Yes, by day, Cornelius Hackl
is your faithful, trusted clerk.

But by 9:00-- oh, by 9:00,
he leads a double life.

That is all.
Why, he is--

Uh, why he's-- why he's here,
um, at the opera,

at the great restaurants,
in all the fashionable homes.

He's even at the
Harmonia Gardens restaurant, you know,

two, three times a week.

The fact is, Mr. Vandergelder,

he is the wittiest, he is the gayest,
he is the naughtiest,

most delightful man in New York City.

He's just-- He's the--
the famous Cornelius Hackl, that's all.

It ain't the same man.

If I thought that Cornelius Hackl
came to New York,

I'd discharge him!

DOLLY: Who took the horses out
of Jenny Lind's carriage

-and pulled her through the streets?
-HORACE: Who?

Cornelius Hackl.

Who, the other night, dressed up
as a waiter at the Fifth Avenue Hotel

and took an oyster
and dropped it right down-- [laughs]

-No, it's too wicked. I can't say it.
-Say it!

No, but it was Cornelius Hackl.

It ain't the same man!
Where'd he get the money?

-Oh, he's very rich.
-Rich?!

-Mm-hmm.
-I keep his money in my own safe.

He has $145.36!

Oh, Mr. Vandergelder, you are k*lling me.

-He's one of the Hackls.
-The Hackls?

Yes. They built the, uh, Raritan Canal.

-Then why would he work in my store?
-Well, I'll tell ya--

I don't wanna hear it. I'm going home.

I have a headache.

It ain't the same man, I tell ya.

He sleeps in my bran room.
You can't get away from facts.

I just made him my chief clerk.

If you had any sense,
you'd make him a partner.

Irene, darling, I can see you were
as taken with him as everybody else is.

IRENE:
But I only met him once very hastily.

Now, don't you be thinking
of marrying him.

Dolly, what are you saying?

You think if over carefully.
He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.

-HORACE: Who?
-Cornelius Hackl.

Miss Molloy, how long has he been
calling on you?

Mr. Vandergelder,
suppose I were to tell you

that he has not been calling on me?

-MINNIE: Excuse me.
-IRENE: Not now, Minnie!

♪♪

-[screams]
-Stop singing, Minnie!

-There's a man in there!
-That's not amusing, Minnie.

-But there's a man!
-And we don't wish to be interrupted.

-But there's a man--
-Go back to the workroom immediately.

Immediately. [chuckles]

-The poor dear is tired from overwork.
-MINNIE: But there's a man--

If there's a man in there,
we'll get him out!

Whoever you are, come on out!

Horace Vandergelder,
do you realize what you're saying?

-I certainly do!
-Now just a minute!

Before you make another move
or say another word

that you might regret, allow me.

-Dolly!
-Stand back.

There. You see?

So much for this nonsense

about that darling girl
hiding a man in her closet.

I think we'll just
forget you ever said it.

-Now, wait a minute, I--
-It's forgotten.

[Cornelius sneezes]

Because there's nobody in there.

-[sneezes]
-God bless you.

Miss Molloy?

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder,
there is a man in there.

I see.

There also happens to be
a very simple explanation,

but for the present, I think I should
just thank you for your visit

and say good afternoon.

[Barnaby sneezes]

[sneezes]

-Another?
-Another.

Good Lord, the whole room
is crawling with men. [laughs]

Irene, darling, congratulations.

Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you again,
and I hope, vice versa.

Horace, where are you going?

To march in the 14th Street Parade
with the kind of people I can trust--



[door slams]

-[all shouting]
-Ah, ah, ah, ah!

♪♪

-[door slams]
-Now.

-Mr. Hackl, I demand an explanation!
-This is all your fault, Mrs. Levi.

DOLLY:
Now, have you met Miss Minnie Fay?

IRENE:
Just do me the pleasure of leaving my shop

or I shall
call for Officer Gogarty!

Don't be silly, Irene,
there's no fun in a jailhouse.

-TOGETHER: Jail?
-[all shouting]

Now, please, everybody,
don't talk at once!

Just because you're rich and famous--

-CORNELIUS: Rich and famous?
-Don't deny it.

Doesn't mean that
you can cause all this trouble

-without making up for it.
-She's right.

-CORNELIUS: We'll do anything.
-BARNABY: Anything.

-Irene, this is Cornelius Hackl.
-We've already met. How do you do?

-How do you do?
-Jail is absolutely out.

Cornelius, explain to her.

-I'm Cornelius Hackl.
-Minnie Fay.

-It seems to me--
-Yes! The only way to make up for it--

Yes, of course, of course.

Irene, darling, you send
for the law at once.

You can have them both put away
for years on a charge like this.

Help, police, help.
Only have dinner with them first.

-Dinner?
-Well, that's to show

that you tried to settle amicably.

That's the way things are done
in the law--

-Dinner first, life imprisonment later.
-Well--

It's a lovely day.
It's gonna be a lovelier evening.

Who knows what can happen
before you send them off to jail.

-Mr. Hackl--
-Oh, by all means.

It's what Barnaby and I
had in mind all along.

Minnie, you and I have been
respectable for years.

Now we're in disgrace.
We might as well make the most of it.

We'd be delighted to accept.

-It is the only sensible thing to do.
-Cornelius!

Now, I know a little doughnut shop
in the railway station--

Doughnut shop?
Certainly not!

We want a fine dinner in the heart
of the fashionable world.

And I know just the place--
the Harmonia Gardens on 14th Street.

-Harmonia Gardens?
-Your favorite restaurant, Mr. Hackl.

-But wait a minute.
-The finest food that money can buy

and a lovely orchestra.

-A polka contest this very night.
-Ooh! Dancing!

You just ask for Rudolph.
He'll give you the best table.

-Oh, we could never go there.
-Oh, no.

It sounds marvelous.
Come, Minnie.

We'll close the shop
and take the whole afternoon off.

Oh, I mean, we could never.

Don't misunderstand me.
It isn't the money or anything.

It's the-- the--

DOLLY:
What, Mr. Hackl?

It's the dancing.

You see, I don't know how,

and they have contests and things
like that at Harmonia-- whatever it is.

You said so yourself,
and I don't know how.

It would take me weeks, months,
years to learn.

"Mrs. Dolly Levi.


chief clerks taught how to--"

Now, you just put one arm here
and one arm there.

It's no use.
I have absolutely no sense of rhythm.

Absolutely no sense of rhythm
is one of the primary requirements

for learning by the Levi method.

Just give me five minutes
of your time, Mr. Hackl.

I'll have you dancing in the streets.

I think we'll start with lesson seven--
the waltz kick turn.

Now it's very simple.

You just go right foot, touch,
left foot, touch,

under, back, around, touch,
back, through, around, behind,

out, over, release, unfurl.

Oh, oh. That's just
absolutely wonderful, Mr. Hackl.

When I think of the lucky women
who'll find heaven in your arms--

I think we'll go back to lesson one,
shall we?

Put your hand on her waist and stand

with her right in your left hand.

And...

one--

That's right. And one, two,

three-- Ah!

One, two, three.

Oh, no, this one. And one,

two, three.

One, two, three.

Look! I'm dancing!

-Uhh!
-Aah.

I was.

DOLLY:
Of course you were, Mr. Hackl.

♪ Take the someone ♪

♪ Whose arms you're in ♪

♪ Hold on to her tight and spin ♪

♪ And one, two, three, one, two, three ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

Look! I'm dancing!

Ah! Uh, come here.

♪ Turn around and turn around ♪

♪ Try floating through the air ♪

♪ Can't you be a little more aesthetic ♪

♪ Don't you think my dancing
has some polish and a flair ♪

The word I think I'd use is athletic.
[clears throat]

-♪ Well, my heart is about to burst ♪
-Good.

♪ My head is about to pop ♪

♪ And now that I'm dancing
who cares if I ever stop ♪

That's wonderful.

Look, everybody!

I, Cornelius Hackl, sport, I'm dancing!

-You're next, Mr. Tucker.
-[gasps]

♪ Glide and step ♪

♪ And then step ♪

♪ And glide ♪

-And everyone, stand aside!
-Uh, not-- not yet, Mr. Tucker.

♪ One, two, three, one, two, three ♪

♪ One, two, three, one--♪

CORNELIUS: Look, he's dancing!

DOLLY:
I think he's holdin' out on us.

♪ You could learn to polka
if you worked a week or so ♪

♪ Or the tango
filled with passion seething ♪

♪ I might join the chorus
of the Castle Garden show ♪

Whatever you do, Mr. Tucker,
keep breathing.

♪ For my heart is about to burst ♪

♪ My head is about to pop ♪

♪ And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop ♪

[laughs]

Oh!

[laughs]

[Minnie giggles]

-[giggles]
-DOLLY: Come on.

[Minnie giggles]

♪♪

♪ When there's someone you hardly know ♪

♪ And wish you were closer to ♪

♪ Remember that he can be near to you ♪

♪ While you're dancing ♪

♪ Though you've only just said hello ♪

♪ She's suddenly someone who can ♪

♪ Make all your daydreams appear to you ♪

♪ While you're dancing ♪

♪ Make the music weave a spell ♪

♪ Whirl away your worries ♪

♪ Things look almost twice as well ♪

♪ When they're slightly blurry ♪

♪ As around and around you go ♪

♪ Your spirits will hit the top ♪

♪ And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop ♪

♪ Two, three, one, two, three ♪

♪ One, two, three, one, two ♪

♪ And now that we're dancing
who cares if we ever stop ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

IRENE: Dolly.

Dolly, Cornelius is taking us
to see the parade.

-Everyone will be marching.
-Come on, Mrs. Levi!

Oh, Dolly, the world is full
of such wonderful things.

Hurry, before the parade passes by!

DOLLY:
Yes, I will. I will.

♪♪

Before the parade passes by.

♪ Before it all moves on ♪

♪ And only I'm left ♪

♪ Before the parade passes by ♪

♪ I've gotta get in step ♪

♪ While there's still time left ♪

♪ I'm ready to move out in front ♪

♪ Life without life ♪

♪ Has no reason or rhyme left ♪

♪ With the rest of them ♪

♪ With the best of them ♪

♪ I wanna hold my head up high ♪

♪ I need a goal again ♪

♪ I need a drive again ♪

♪ I wanna feel my heart ♪

♪ Coming alive again ♪

♪ Before the parade ♪

♪ Passes ♪

♪ By ♪

Ephraim, let me go.

It's been long enough, Ephraim.

Every night, just like you'd want me to,

I've put out the cat,
made myself a rum toddy

and before I went to bed,
said a little prayer,

thanking God that I was independent,

that no one else's life
was mixed up with mine.

But lately, Ephraim,

I've begun to realize that-- [sighs]

for a long time...

I have not shed one tear.

Nor have I been for one moment...

outrageously happy.

Now, Horace Vandergelder-- [chuckles]

He's always saying,
"The world is full of fools."

And in a way, he's right, isn't he?

I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself.

But there comes a time
when you have got to decide

whether you want to be a fool among fools

or a fool alone.

Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim,

but I would feel
so much better about it if--

if you could just give me a sign--
any kind of a sign that you approve.

I'm going back, Ephraim.

I've decided to join the human race again.

And, Ephraim,

I want you to give me away.

♪ Before the parade ♪

♪ Passes by ♪

♪ I've gotta go and taste
Saturday's high life ♪

♪ Before the parade passes by ♪

♪ I've gotta get some life
back into my life ♪

♪ I'm ready to move out in front ♪

♪ I've had enough of
just passing by life ♪

♪ With the rest of them,
with the best of them ♪

♪ I can hold my head up high ♪

♪ For I've got a goal again ♪

♪ I've got a drive again ♪

♪ I wanna feel my heart
coming alive again ♪

♪ Before the parade ♪

♪ Passes by ♪

[playing "Before The Parade Passes By"]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[cheering]

["Scotland The Brave" playing]

["Before The Parade Passes By" resumes]

Waa! Waa! [laughs]

[cheering]

[man shouting commands]

Ready! Ha!

[cheering]

MAN: Present arms!

Raise up!

GUSSIE: Dolly Levi!

Hi!

Gussie Granger? [chuckles]

What in the world are you doing here?

Earning an honest dollar,

which is more than I've made on the
legitimate stage in two years.

Heaven have pity on you,
but the meat packers' float?

Ha! Listen. If there was more money in it,
I'd play one of the pigs!

[drums playing]

[cheering]

-I came here for some privacy.
-Oh.

I owe you an apology, Mr. Vandergelder.

And I didn't want to let it
go another minute.

You owe me more than that.
What about the fee I gave you

for getting me tangled up
with that collector of men's hats?

Yes. Irene Molloy.

She was a disappointment.
Darling girl.

I'll have you know
the confectioner gave me back

every cent for those
chocolate-covered peanuts.

Well, I'm sorry.
I never give cash refunds.

-If there was a shred of decency in you--
-However, being an honest woman

who believes in giving
service that's been paid for,

I've already arranged
to make it up to you.

Dolly Levi, let me make one thing clear:

You have been discharged
as my marriage broker.

I have no further use for one.

From now on, you're just a woman,
like anyone else.

-I am?
-And I'm just a man, like anyone else.

And just like anyone else,

I will do everything I can
to avoid introductions

such as you specialize in.

Well, I can understand your feelings
in the matter, Mr. Vandergelder.

And I am here today
marching beside you to assure you

that there will be no further
need for my services

after your dinner engagement tonight.

[band stops]

-Dinner engagement?
-7:30 at the Harmonia Gardens restaurant.

It's all arranged.
Private room. Table for two.

-She'll be waiting.
-Who? Who-who'll be waiting?

Who-who- who'll be waiting?

The very rich, very beautiful
lady I referred to

when I saw you in Yonkers this morning.

The, uh, heiress to a fortune, remember?

[whistle blows]

[drums playing]

I'm not interested. What's her name?

Uh, Ernestina.

I'm not interested. What's her last name?

Simple. Uh--

Uh, Simple. Ernestina Simple.

Can she cook?

[chuckles] Can she cook?

Frankly, I could never understand
why a girl like that,

who could afford to have every servant
in New York City if she wanted to

makes all her own meals
on a solid gold stove.

Sounds like a fool,
and I'm not interested in fools.

-Neither am I. Good day, Mr. Vandergelder.
-Good day.

And don't forget. 7:30, Harmonia Gardens.

And be sure to rent some evening clothes.
She's very fussy.

Dolly Levi, you are a damned
exasperating woman!

Why, Horace Vandergelder,

that is the nicest thing
you have ever said to me.

[chuckles]

[band swells]

♪ When the parade passes by ♪

♪ Listen and hear ♪

-♪ That brass harmony growing ♪
-Hi, Gussie!

-Gussie.
-♪ When the parade ♪

-[no audible dialogue]
-♪ Passes by ♪

♪ Pardon me if my old spirit is showing ♪

♪ All of those lights over there ♪

♪ Seem to be telling me where I'm going ♪

♪ When the whistles blow ♪

♪ And the cymbals crash ♪

♪ And the sparklers light the sky ♪

♪ I'm gonna raise the roof ♪

♪ I'm gonna carry on ♪

♪ Give me an old trombone ♪

♪ Give me an old baton ♪

♪ Before the parade ♪

♪ Passes by ♪

[music ends]

♪♪

[trolley bell dings]

Cornelius, are you sure all they're doing
is changing their clothes?

Don't worry. They'll be here.

I mean, I get dressed every morning
in less than three minutes.

-Women wear more.
-They do?

Underneath.

Cornelius, maybe we better leave
while there's still time.

-Never.
-We've seen everything.

The parade, the Statue of Liberty,
the--the stuffed whale at Barnum's Museum.

I could die a happy man right now.

It'll be worth it, no matter what happens.

The worst anybody can do
is put us in jail,

but as long as we live, we'll never forget

the night we took Irene Molloy
and Minnie Fay

to dinner at Harmonia Gardens

on less than a dollar.

Cornelius, wake up!

And there's another reason
we can't go back to Yonkers.

One more thing--

One more thing we promised
to do before we go back

and turn into a couple of Vandergelders.

Cornelius.

You're not thinking of
kissing Miss Molloy?

[chuckles] Maybe.

She'll scream.

Barnaby, you don't know
anything about women.

Only that we can't afford 'em.

You might as well know
that everybody except us

goes through life kissing
right and left all the time.

They do?

Yes.

I often wondered about that.

[trolley bell dings]

[both gasp]

BOTH: Oh!

-Smile, Barnaby.
-I'm smiling.

Look rich and gay and charming.

I'm looking gay and charming.

Hello.

-Here we are.
-Hello.

Cornelius.

Oh. I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Molloy.

No last names.

After all we've been through
together this afternoon,

it's Irene and Minnie.

Irene.

-Oh.
-Oh!

-Does that count, Cornelius?
-I don't think so.

"Count"?

You see, we-we were counting here,
while we were waiting.

I hear all rich people do nothing
but count their money. [giggles]

I'm so hungry.

Why don't we go in here and
have some hors d'oeuvres first?

-No, no, no, no, no.
-It's very fashionable.

It would spoil our appetites.

Or we could have an aperitif.

It's out of the question,

'cause Barnaby and I don't agree
with that sort of thing.

But all those people do.

Well, they simply don't know that, uh, um,

aperitif is no longer considered elegant.

-Oh, it isn't?
-Uh-uh.

BARNABY: Hasn't been for years.

In that case,
it's on to Harmonia Gardens for dinner.

-Call a hack, Cornelius.
-Hack?

All my life I've wanted to ride in a hack.

Oh, there's one. Yoo-hoo!

No, no. We can't do that.

I mean, it isn't the money or anything.
[whimpers]

It's just that, nowadays,

really elegant people never take hacks.

-Hacks is out.
-They all go by streetcar.

Then, by all means, we go by streetcar.

Imagine. I've been elegant all my life,
and I never knew it.

Of course, if you really want to be
really elegant--

-Oh, we do.
-We do.

You walk.

♪♪

♪ Yes, New York It's really us ♪

♪ Barnaby and Cornelius ♪

♪ All the guests of Mr. Hackl are ♪

♪ Feelin' great and look spectacular ♪

♪ What a knack there is ♪

♪ To that actin' like a born aristocrat ♪

♪ We got elegance ♪

♪ If you ain't got elegance ♪

♪ You can never, ever carry it off ♪

♪ All who are well-bred agree ♪

♪ Minnie Fay has pedigree ♪

♪ Exercise your wildest whims tonight ♪

♪ We are out with Diamond Jims tonight ♪

♪ Could they be misleading us ♪

♪ Silver spoons were used for feeding us ♪

♪ We got elegance ♪

♪ If you ain't got elegance ♪

♪ You can never, ever carry it off ♪

[dog barks]

♪ Snobs that slobs throw roses at ♪

♪ We look down our noses at ♪

♪ Pity all the other girls around ♪

♪ When I swing my perfect pearls around ♪

♪ Snubbing folks is chic to us ♪

♪ Sometimes we don't even speak to us ♪

[dog barks]

♪ If you ain't got elegance ♪

♪ You can never, ever carry it off ♪

DOGWALKER:
If you please. Hmph!

♪♪

♪ Middle class don't speak of it ♪

♪ Savoir faire we reek of it ♪

♪ Some were born with rags and patches ♪

♪ But we use dollar bills for matches ♪

♪ And Vanderbilt kowtows to us ♪

♪ J.P. Morgan scrapes and bows to us ♪

♪ We've got elegance ♪

♪ We were born with elegance ♪

♪ I behave like Walter Raleigh ♪

♪ When the streets are full of mud ♪

♪ And the bluest huckleberry ♪

♪ Isn't bluer than my blood ♪

♪ Have you noticed when I hold my cup ♪

♪ The saucer never moves ♪

[slurps]

♪ And the way I keep my pinky up ♪

♪ Indubitably proves that ♪

♪ We got elegance ♪

♪ We got built-in elegance ♪

-♪ And with elegance ♪
-♪ Elegance ♪

-♪ Elegance ♪
-♪ Elegance ♪

♪ Elegance ♪

♪ We'll carry it off ♪

♪♪

[trolley bell dings]

♪♪

DOLLY: ♪ Horace ♪

♪ Horace Vandergelder ♪

♪ Mrs. Horace Vandergelder ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ Though it won't be like the first time ♪

♪ How can it be like the first time ♪

♪ But why does it have to be ♪

♪ Don't look for sh**ting stars ♪

♪ For love is only love ♪

♪ You touch ♪

♪ And still you touch ♪

♪ The ground ♪

♪ Don't listen for those bells ♪

♪ For, oh love is only love ♪

♪ And if it's love you've found ♪

♪ Your heart won't hear a sound ♪

♪ And when you hold his hand ♪

♪ You only hold his hand ♪

♪ The violins are all a bluff ♪

♪ But if you're really wise ♪

♪ The silence of his eyes ♪

♪ Will tell you ♪

♪ Love is only love ♪

♪ And it's wonderful enough ♪

♪ Without the sh**ting stars ♪

♪ Without the sound of bells ♪

♪ Without the violins ♪

♪ Love is wonderful ♪

♪ Enough ♪

[waltz plays]

Good evening. Good evening.

[hissing]
Straighten up! Walk erect!

Pleasure. Good evening.

How nice to see you.

Psst! No expression.
Let the food smile.

And how are you this evening?

Oh, charming, charming.

[upper-class accent]:
You. You there.

Come up here at once.

-[mouths word]
-Yes. You.

How dare you keep me
standing here this long.

As soon as Mr. Vandergelder arrives,

you will be seated, Miss Simple.

Now look here, garçon.

My name is Rudolph. Rudolph Reisenweber.

And why, may I ask,
can I not wait at the table?

Please. Please.

Harmonia Gardens does not
consider it proper-- a lady alone.

-Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap.
-[gasps]

Don't touch me.

[whispering]: Where?

Hmm. If you will excuse me.

Certainly not.

RUDOLPH:
Yes. What can I do for you?

How are ya, Adolf? How's my old friend?

I am Rudolph.

Oh. Of course. [chuckles] Rudolph.

W-We'd like a little something to eat.
You know?

In what name is the reservation, please?

-Reservation?
-I'm afraid there is nothing available.

-Come on. Let's go.
-IRENE: Do you know who he is?

This is Cornelius Hackl.
The Cornelius Hackl.

Tell him about Jenny Lind
and the Rockefellers.

The Rockefellers? I see.

Look. I know a little place up the block.

[gasps]
I think I have something.

Yes. I think I have something.

Follow me, if you will.

[music continues]

RUDOLPH:
Dining room number two.

It is the last one
remaining. Very private.

-It is?
-Very exclusive.

-It is?
-Very fashionable.

-Don't say another word.
-And very expensive.

-[chuckles] That was the word.
-[music ends]

[applause]

-IRENE: How beautiful!
-MINNIE: How elegant!

How much?

Cornelius, I thought you said
everyone here knew you.

Oh, don't worry. They will after tonight.

[chuckles]

[whispering]

She is? She is? I don't believe it!



Mrs. Dolly Levi coming here
after such a long absence.

It is too happy to be true.

That's the message
they told me to give to you.

Who? Who are these people?

RUDOLPH: They look truthful.

If you're gonna spend the whole evening
acting like a scared rabbit,

maybe I better order some lettuce.

How can you be so brave? It's unfair.

Well, just try to keep remembering
Mrs. Levi's advice.

I only wanted to marry you,

not perform in public.

Well, there's nobody here who knows us.

-Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?
-Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong?

RUDOLPH: Sir?

-Vandergelder's the name.
-Ah, yes, Mr. Vandergelder.

Uh, there's a Miss Ernestina Simple
supposed to be waiting.

Right there, Mr. Vandergelder.

No, I'm afraid you didn't understand
what I said. You see--

But perfectly.

Mr. Vandergelder is here, Miss Simple.

Yes. So I see.

Oh, good evening, Miss Simple.

I hope so, Mr. Vandergelder.

All right, my good man.

Fritz, private dining room number one
for Mr. Vandergelder's party.

-Follow me, if you will.
-You may take my arm.

And unless you're suffering
from a head cold,

kindly remove your hat.

[chattering]

Achtung!

I have an important announcement to make.

After an absence of several years,

there will return to the Harmonia Gardens
restaurant tonight

the lady who always had
the happiest smile, the warmest heart

and the largest appetite
in the city of New York!

-It's Dolly!
-Dolly?

-Dolly!
-[all chattering]

-Dolly! Dolly!
-Attention!

Ah-da-da-da-da!

It is therefore my order as headwaiter
of the Harmonia Gardens

and your supreme commander

that tonight of all nights,
our usual lightning service

will be twice as lightning as ever!

Or else!

[whistles]

♪♪

[heels click]

Waiter, write this down. Mock turtle soup,

roast pheasant under glass.

Pheasant?

I'll have the same
and a bottle of champagne.

-Champagne?
-And what would you like, sir?

Six months off for good behavior.

[whistle blows]

♪♪

♪♪

[snaps fingers]

♪♪

[claps hands]

[squawking]

[g*nsh*t]

What do you mean oysters aren't in season?

Anybody can have oysters in season.

I want them out of season.

But they don't have any, Miss Simple.

Then tell them to go out and dig for some.
[chuckles]

♪♪

WOMAN: Oh!

[snapping fingers]

♪♪

[gasps] Oh!

[Minnie and Irene chattering]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hello again.
-Here we are.

-We thought something happened.
-Don't worry. It will.

♪♪

[applause]

-[giggles]
-Barnaby,

Irene, Minnie--

I feel so good about everything--

so good about this whole day,

that I am now going to
become an honest man and tell the truth.

BARNABY:
Cornelius?

I'd forgotten what strange things
happen to men when they drink.

If I tell you the truth,

will you let me put my arm
around your waist?

Good heavens.

You can do that even if you lie to me.

I've never touched a woman before.

You still haven't. That's my corset.

You're a wonderful person, Irene.

Thank you, Cornelius.

And that's why
I have to tell you the truth.

If it'll make you feel better.

It's all those fancy things
that Mrs. Levi said about me.

-Oh, yes.
-Well...

They're just not so.

Indeed?

Irene, I'm not rich.

Not rich?

I'm not any of the things
Mrs. Levi said I was.

And neither is Barnaby.

We're not sports. We don't know anybody.

We never come to New York.

We never do anything except work
for Mr. Vandergelder all day

and clean up the store at night.

And we wanted so much
to have one day of adventure

that we ran away from Yonkers
and told a lot of lies.

Well, well, look at us.

A pair of penniless pretenders.

But, Cornelius, I've known that all along.

You have?

Why else would you two have hidden
in my cupboard and under my table?

And made us walk all over New York?

[chuckles] You're the nicest ladies
a man ever went to jail for.

Jail?

We don't have the money
to pay for this dinner.

Of course you don't.

Minnie, show these two sports
what I've got in my purse.

What a pleasure to know
that selling all those silly hats

can pay for an evening
as delightful as this one.

I can't help myself.

Wow!

Oh! I--

No, no, Minnie. My white handbag.
Not that one.

-My white handbag.
-When we changed for the evening.

Oh.

-Minnie?
-Only my mad money.

A nickel for the horsecar.

-[mouths words]
-Would you like your check now, sir?

[chuckles]

Take this away, my good man.

Bring us another bottle of champagne.

What's this? What are you doing?

It's 8:00, Mr. Vandergelder.

-I really must be going.
-Going?

You haven't finished
your dinner yet, Miss Simple.

That's expensive food.

If I ordered food like that every night,

I'd be out of business inside a year
and working for somebody else.

I suggest you have the waiter
put it in a bag

and take it home to Yonkers
to your horses and pigs.

I don't have pigs, Miss Simple.
I have chickens.

And I did not get them
by being extravagant and wasteful.

I see no point in this trivial discussion,
Mr. Vandergelder,

nor in my remaining here any longer,

inasmuch as it is quite clear
to me that you are--

[chuckles] you'll forgive the expression--

entirely unsuitable.

-Unsuitable?
-Nevertheless, I assure you,

I will never say a word to Mrs. Levi
about this unfortunate evening.

And I suggest you do likewise
when she arrives here.

Wait a minute.

Did you say "arrives here"?

Yes. She planned to join us at 8:00.

You may tell her I left
because I felt sick to my stomach.

It's quite true, you know.

Good night.

Any man who goes to a big city
deserves what happens to him.

-He's all yours, honey.
-DOLLY: Good. Mr. Cassidy?

Yes, Mrs. Levi?

DOLLY: It's all right now.
You can let me out.

MR. CASSIDY:
Whoa.

Mr. Reisenweber! Come here! Hurry!

Shh! How many times
have I told you not to shout?

-It's her. She's outside.
-You mean--

-Yes!
-What's going on here?

-Are you sure?
-Oh, I know that voice. I heard her.

In a beautiful carriage with two horses.

-That's her! She's come!
-Who? Who's come?

A lady. You wouldn't know her. Mrs. Levi.

-Is it true?
-Yes. It's Dolly!

-Tell the band to get ready.
-You saw her?

Yes. Of course I saw her.

In a long white carriage
pulled by four horses!

-It's like old times!
-[chattering excitedly]

Mr. Reisenweber!

Rudolph!

Rudy!

She is here.

[band plays up-tempo jazz]

♪ Hello, Rudy ♪

♪ Well, hello, Harry ♪

♪ It's so nice ♪

♪ To be back home where I belong ♪

♪ You are lookin' swell Manny ♪

♪ I can tell, Danny ♪

♪ You're still glowin',
you're still crowin' ♪

♪ You're still, mmm ♪

♪ Goin' strong ♪

♪ I feel the room ♪

♪ Swayin' ♪

♪ For the band's playin' ♪

♪ One of my old favorite songs ♪

♪ From way back when ♪

♪ So, bridge that gap, fellas ♪

♪ Find me an empty lap, fellas ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Hello, Dolly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you back
where you belong ♪

♪ You're lookin' swell, Dolly ♪

♪ We can tell, Dolly ♪

♪ You're still glowin',
you're still crowin' ♪

♪ You're still goin' strong ♪

♪ We feel the room swayin' ♪

♪ For the band's playin' ♪

♪ One of your old favorite songs
from way back when ♪

♪ So ♪

♪ Here's my hat, fellas ♪

♪ I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas ♪

♪ Promise you'll never go away again ♪

♪ I went away from the lights
of 14th Street ♪

♪ And into my personal haze ♪

♪ But now that I'm back ♪

♪ In the lights of 14th Street ♪

♪ Tomorrow will be brighter ♪

♪ Than the good old days ♪

♪ Those good old days ♪

Tell it to me sweet!

-♪ Hello ♪
-♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

-♪ Well, hello ♪
-♪ Hey, look, there's Dolly ♪

♪ Glad to see you, Hank,
let's thank my lucky star ♪

♪ Your lucky star ♪

♪ You're lookin' great, Stanley ♪

♪ Lose some weight I think
I think you did, Stanley ♪

♪ Dolly's overjoyed
and overwhelmed and over par ♪

♪ I hear the ice ♪

-♪ Do you hear the ice tinkle ♪
-♪ Tinkle ♪

♪ See the lights ♪

-♪ Can you see the lights twinkle ♪
-♪ Twinkle ♪

♪ And you still get glances
from us handsome men ♪

♪ Look at you all,
you're all so handsome ♪

♪ Golly gee, fellas ♪

♪ Find me an empty knee, fellas ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away again ♪

♪♪

-♪ Well, hello ♪
-♪ Look who's here ♪

♪ Dolly, this is Louis ♪

-♪ Hello, Louis ♪
-♪ Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you back
where you belong ♪

♪ I am so glad to be back ♪

♪ Ah, you're lookin' swell ♪

-♪ Thank you, Louis ♪
-♪ Dolly, I can tell ♪

-♪ Does it show ♪
-♪ Dolly ♪

♪ You're still glowin',
you're still crowin', you're still ♪

-♪ Mmm, goin' strong ♪
-♪ Goin' strong ♪

♪ I feel the room ♪

-♪ Bip, bippity boom, boom ♪
-♪ Swayin' ♪

-♪ And the band playin' ♪
-[vocalizing]

♪ One of our old favorite songs
from way back when ♪

-♪ I remember it so ♪
-♪ So ♪

-♪ It was my favorite ♪
-♪ Show some snap, fellas ♪

-♪ Find her an empty lap, yeah ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Dolly'll never go away again ♪
-♪ Will never go away again ♪

♪ Well, well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you back
where you belong ♪

-♪ You're lookin' swell, Dolly ♪
-Whoo!

-♪ We can tell, Dolly ♪
-Whoa!

♪ You're still glowin',
you're still crowin' ♪

♪ You're still goin' strong ♪

♪ I hear the ice ♪

-♪ I hear it tinkle ♪
-♪ Tinkle ♪

♪ See the lights ♪

-♪ I see them twinkle ♪
-♪ Twinkle ♪

♪ And you still get glances
from us handsome men ♪

♪ So ♪

-♪ Hmm, wow, wow, wow, fellas ♪
-♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Look at the old girl now, fellas ♪

♪ Wow, wow ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Again ♪

[applause]

[mouths words]

[applause continues]

One more time!

♪♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

-♪ Dolly'll never--♪
-♪ Go away again ♪

DOLLY:
Horace Vandergelder.

Do we know each other?

Much too well.

Oh. It's you, Mrs. Levi.

Yes.

Well, do you, um--

Do--Do you think you have the figure
for that sort of getup?

That's for others to say,
Mr. Vandergelder.

I borrowed it from a friend,
not being one of those rich ladies

who have nothing better
to do with their time

than dillydally with seamstresses.

Which reminds me, where is Miss Simple?

-Miss Simple?
-Yes.

Well, she had to, uh, uh, uh, uh--

She got called away
by a sick friend, had to leave.

Oh. Well, that's Ernestina--
always thinking of other people.

Oh, well, we'll just have to make do
without her for the time being.

-Rudolph.
-My dear Mrs. Levi.

-I have saved the very best table.
-How I've missed you, Rudolph.

-This way, please.
-Come along, Mr. Vandergelder.

-But I've already eaten.
-Don't stand here.

You'll get run over by a waiter.

Oh, hello. Good evening.
Oh, hello. How are you?

-Hi. Nice to see you.
-You know too many people.

-Total strangers.
-Then why do you greet them?

Well, it makes me feel good
to have so many friends.

-Oh. Well, say hello for me too.
-I already did. [chuckles]

Lovely, Rudolph. Perfect.

What are we doing down here?

Well, there's someone
in the dance competition

I especially want you to see.

I haven't the slightest
interest in dancing.

Rudolph, in case you don't already know,
this is Mr. Vandergelder of Yonkers--

in fact, Yonkers's
most influential citizen.

Yes, we've already met.

And Mr. Vandergelder insists
on buying the finest dinner you have--

-and served promptly.
-I never said any such thing.

Unfortunately, I'm watching my waistline.

Can't eat a thing.
No appetite at all.

What have you got
that's ready immediately?

You ordered chicken--

Did you say a chicken?
I don't think I could face a chicken.

Not a chicken. Not tonight.

-Not after all I've been through.
-Good. Cancel the chicken.

-And bring a turkey.
-Yes, Mrs. Levi.

With the usual everything on the side.

Now, tell me about you and Ernestina.

I can't wait to hear.

I know it was short, but was it sweet?

I mean, do you think you and she--

I mean, uh, did it, uh, go well?

Mrs. Levi, you have a habit of asking
highly personal questions.

Mr. Vandergelder,
if you're thinking of getting married,

you might as well learn right now
that you have to let women be women.

Now, tell me, did you like her?
Did she like you?

Always wanting to know everything.

Always putting your nose
into other people's affairs.

Anybody who lived with you
would get as nervous as a cat.

What?

-What was that you just said?
-I said anybody who lived with you--

Horace Vandergelder, you get that idea
right out of your head this minute.

Why, the idea of you
even mentioning such a thing.

I mean, understand once and for all
that I have no intention of marrying you.

I didn't mean that.

You've been hinting around at
such things for some time now.

-I have not.
-So, from now on,

put those ideas
right out of your head.

Stop talking like that.
That's not what I meant at all.

I hope not. I should hope not.

Horace Vandergelder, you go
your way, and I'll go mine.

I am not some Irene Molloy
whose head you can turn

with a few chocolate-covered
peanuts-- unshelled!

Why, the idea of you even
suggesting such a thing.

You misunderstood me.

Well, I certainly hope I did.

However, let's not discuss it
anymore. Here's our food.

-I don't feel well.
-I'll serve Mr. Vandergelder, Rudolph.

Here is a lovely-- a lovely wing for you

and some dumplings-- oh, lighter than air.

-That's what I need-- some air.
-And some giblets.

Very, very tender and very good for you.

No. As I said before, Horace,
you go your way, and I'll go mine.

Well, here. Have some wine.
You'll feel better at once.

However, since you brought
this whole matter up,

there is one more thing I ought to say.

I didn't bring the matter up.

One more thing I ought to say
before we forget all about it.

It's true, I'm a woman
who likes to manage things,

but I wouldn't like to manage anything
as disorderly as your household,

as out of control, as untidy--

Oh! No, Horace. You can do that
for yourself, God helping you.

It is not out of control.

Very well. Let's not say
another word about it.

Oh! Have some beets.

-I'm not hungry, and I don't like beets.
-They are good!

No, Horace. A complaining, quarrelsome,
friendless soul like you

is no sort of companion for me.

You salt your beets, and I'll salt mine.

-Stop saying that.
-I won't say another word.

Besides, I'm not those things
you said I am.

Maybe so, but it looks to me as if

you are the only person
in the world that knows it.

No, Horace, I have
decided to enjoy life. Mmm.

As for you, you can always
find yourself some housekeeper

who can prepare you three meals
for a dollar a day.

It can be done if you like
cold baked beans.

You know, Horace,
I can just see you now

spending your last days
listening at keyholes,

for fear somebody's cheating you.

Mmm. I think I'll have some more beets.

Have some more beets. They're delicious.

I don't like beets. I hate beets.

There. You see?
Now, that's the difference between us.

I've been nagging you all day long
to get some spirit into you.

And the pity of it is, oh,
you could be a perfectly charming,

witty, amiable man if you wanted to.

I don't want to be charming!

But you are. Look at you.
You can't help yourself.

"Listening at keyholes."

You have no right
to say such things to me.

At your age, you ought to
enjoy hearing the truth.

My age. My age.

You're always talking about my age.

I don't even know what your age is,
but I do know that up at Yonkers,

with bad food and bad temper,
you'll double it in six months.

Now sit down, Horace,
and let's talk of something else.

However, before we change the subject,
there's one more thing I am going to say.

I don't want to hear it.
You're wasting your time, Dolly Levi.

I have no intention
of asking you to marry me.

Oh! I suppose that means
you want me to ask you.

Well, I'm sorry, Horace.
I'm turning you down.

How can you turn me down when I haven't
even asked you anything?

It's no use arguing.
I've made up your mind.

Here. Let me cut your wings.

I don't want my wings cut.

No man does, Horace. No man does.

I've got a headache. I'm leaving.

[band playing fanfare]

DOLLY: Oh, no, you can't go now.

The dance competition's
just about to begin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have your attention, please.

It is my pleasure to announce
on behalf of the management

of the Harmonia Gardens restaurant

that our dance contest
is about to commence.

The judges for tonight's competition
are Mr. Herman Fleishacker!

[fanfare plays]

-Mr. Llewelyn Codd!
-[fanfare plays]

And our special guest of honor judge,

Mrs. Dolly Levi!

[fanfare plays]

Sit down!

Ladies and gentlemen who wish
to participate in this evening's contest,

will you please now
come to the dance floor.

And remember, to the lucky winning couple

goes the grand prize of 50 silver dollars

or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens!

Fifty!

RUDOLPH:
Everybody, dance!

[band plays]

-Your check, sir.
-Another bottle of champagne.

[music continues]

♪♪

DOLLY: Mmm!

Look at that man, Horace.
Oh, what grace. What talent.

What a magnificent living
he could earn with his feet. Hmm.

-Horace, look.
-Where?

There.

-Wait a minute.
-DOLLY: Oh, isn't he wonderful?

That's Ambrose Kemper, so-called artist.

Why, so it is.

No wonder his pictures are so awful.
He must paint with his feet.

DOLLY: He's sure to win first prize.

HORACE: Ermengarde should see him now,
dancing with another girl.

Mmm. And such a pretty little thing, too.

Shameful. That's what it is. Shameful!

♪♪

Look! There's that Molloy woman
dancing with a man.

I think it's a man.

And only a few hours ago
she was waiting for me to propose.

Shocking.

-No faithfulness left in this world.
-Oh, I agree. I certainly do.

And it's--it's very selfish
that people like us

don't jump right up and marry someone

just to set the world a good example.

♪♪

My hat!

-I'm trying to find--
-[people chuckling]

Excuse me.

Oh.

Ermengarde.

Uncle.

-My niece!
-[woman screams]

-You are a disgrace to Yonkers!
-Stop that!

[growls]

-HORACE: Don't you dare--
-Come here, you!

RUDOLPH:
Mr. Vandergelder! The contest!

I'll show you a contest!

Call the police!

Call the police!

Uncle Horace, we can explain!

Explain? I'll give you--

[wood smashing]

Cornelius Hackl.
What are you doing in New York?

I'm just delivering some oats.

Oats? With my former intended?
You're discharged.

-You can't fire me. I quit.
-So do I.

-Barnaby Tucker, you're discharged.
-You can't fire me. I quit.

MINNIE: So do I!

♪♪

I'm sorry.

♪♪

[growls]

[Horace groans]

DOLLY: Oh!

Horace Vandergelder,

flat on your back, you are still charming.

Cornelius. Barnaby.

Perhaps there's a way

I can get Mr. Vandergelder
to give you back your jobs.

What? How?

I could become his wife.

-No, that's impossible.
-It is?

-Yes.
-But why, Cornelius?

-Because. That's why.
-But you have to give me a reason.

-Never mind the reason.
-Cornelius.

-Never mind the reason.
-Shh!

-And don't tell me to shush.
-POLICEMAN: What's going on there?

-BARNABY: Cornelius!
-MINNIE: Irene!

-Quick!
-Hey, you!

What's all this noise?

-What's happening here?
-Now you stay out of this, Officer.

-Are you all right, miss?
-I'll let you know in a little while.

You, young man.

I'm only trying to tell
this lady something.

Well, it's too late, and you're too loud,

and I should run you
in for disturbing the peace.

No, it's not too late.

[chuckles] That's why I'm shouting.

For 28 years--

my whole life-- I never did anything.

I just worked, took orders,
never went anywhere.

Stayed in Yonkers.

-Yonkers?
-And today,

the most important thing
that can happen to a man,

that might never have happened
if I'd stayed in Yonkers,

happened to me because I left Yonkers
and came to New York

and met this lady--
met her this afternoon.

Well. Mister-- [scoffs]

Just what are you talkin' about?

Officer, I'm talking about
none other than love.

-TOGETHER: Love?
-Love?

Young man, are you trying to tell me
that after 28 years in Yonkers,

you've fallen in love
with this young lady in one day?

Oh, no, Officer, I didn't fall in love

with Miss Irene Molloy
of this city in just a day.

It was much quicker than that. An hour.

No, even that's too long.
What's less than a minute?

MAN: A second?

-Less than that.
-A moment.

CORNELIUS:
That's it. That is it.

Now, all of you, listen to me.

Oh. Please.

♪♪

♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ For your eyes to meet ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ Your heart knows ♪

♪ In a moment ♪

♪ You will never be ♪

♪ Alone again ♪

♪ I held her ♪

♪ For an instant ♪

♪ But my arms felt sure ♪

♪ And strong ♪

♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ To be loved ♪

♪ A whole life ♪

♪ Long ♪

Isn't the world full of wonderful things?

I have lost so many things:
my job, my future--

Everything that people
think is important-- but I don't care.

'Cause even if I have to dig ditches
for the rest of my life,

I shall be a ditchdigger
who once had a wonderful day.

Mister, do you mind?
I came in late. Right after--

[off-key] ♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ But his arms felt sure ♪

♪ And strong ♪

♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ He held me ♪

♪ For an instant ♪

♪ But his arms ♪

♪ Felt safe and strong ♪

♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ To be loved ♪

♪ A whole life ♪

♪ Long ♪

♪ And that is all ♪

♪ That love's about ♪

♪ And we'll recall ♪

♪ When time runs out ♪

♪ That it only ♪

♪ Took a moment ♪

♪ To be loved ♪

♪ A whole life ♪

♪ Long ♪

And tell Rudolph not to worry
about the damage.

Just send the bill to Vandergelder's
Hay and Feed Store,

Yonkers, New York.

-Well, there's your life for you, Horace.
-I don't want to hear about it.

Without niece, without bride,
without clerks.

Look. I'm tired. I've got a backache.

That's about all you do have.

-I hope you're satisfied.
-Never mind.

Well, I guess there's only one thing more
for me to say then.

And I've been meaning to say it all night.

If it's to ask me to marry you,
Dolly Levi, never.

-Not in a million years.
-It wasn't that at all, Horace.

All I wanted to say was--

-♪ Good-bye ♪
-What?

-♪ Good-bye ♪
-What are you talking about?

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪

-Nonsense.
-Don't try to stop me, Horace.

♪ Please ♪

♪ Wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie" ♪

♪ You ain't gonna see me anymore ♪

♪ And when you discover
that your life is dreary ♪

♪ Don't you come a-knockin' at my door ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll be all dolled up
and singin' that song ♪

♪ That says, you dog, I told you so ♪

♪ So wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie" ♪

♪ Dearie should have said
"so long" so long ago ♪

♪ Because you treated me
so rotten and rough ♪

♪ I have had enough of feeling low ♪

♪ So wave your little hand
and whisper "So long, dearie" ♪

♪ Dearie should have said
"so long" so long ago ♪

♪ Oh, I can hear that choo-choo
callin' me on ♪

♪ To a fancy new address ♪

♪ Yes, I can hear that choo-choo
callin' me on ♪

♪ On board that happiness express ♪

♪ I'm gonna learn to dance and drink
and smoke a cigarette ♪

♪ I'm goin' as far away
from Yonkers ♪

♪ As a girl can get ♪

♪ So ♪

♪♪

And on those cold winter nights, Horace...

you can snuggle up to your cash register.

It's a little lumpy, but it rings.

♪ Don't come a-knockin' ♪

♪ I'll be all dolled up
and singin' that song ♪

♪ That says, you dog, I told you so ♪

♪ So, Horace, you'll find
your life a sad old story ♪

♪ You'll be livin' in
that lonesome territory ♪

♪ When you see your Dolly
shuffle off to glory ♪

♪ Oh, I should've said so long ♪

♪ How could I have been wrong ♪

♪ Oh, I should have said so long ♪

[gasping]

♪ So long ♪

♪ Ago ♪

-[chattering]
-[bicycle bell dings]

[barks]

[boys shouting]

HORACE: Quiet!

Quiet down there, you little monsters.

Cornelius. Barnaby.

Do you hear me down there?

Ermengarde!

What the devil is this?

What's this chicken mash doing all over?

[can clatters]

Cornelius! Barnaby!

Get up here this minute
and clean up this mess.

Well, good riddance.

Didn't need you before,
and I don't need you now.

Ermengarde!

I'm ready for my breakfast.

I want three eggs with crisp bacon

and hot porridge with cream and grits.

It's not fair.

It's worse than that. It's lonely.

Not in a million years, Dolly Levi.

You go your way, and I'll go mine.

ERMENGARDE: Good morning, Uncle Horace.

-Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder.
-Morning.

Oh. Come crawling back, have you?

Well, I have a good mind not to take you,

but being as how I'm so softhearted,

go get your aprons and start
cleaning up this mess.

We're not coming back to work
for you, Mr. Vandergelder.

-What?
-[whimpers]

Barnaby and I are just
stopping by for our money.

You see, sir, we decided
to go into business.

Business?

And since the only business
we know is hay and feed,

we're opening our own store.

Mrs. Levi's found
the perfect location for us.

-Right across the street from you.
-She wouldn't dare.

Hackl and Tucker, Incorporated.

[scoffs] You'll last for a week.

-What about my breakfast?
-Uncle Horace--

I think you'd better start learning
how to make it yourself.

All right, all right.
My conscience is clear.

A man can do only so much to keep fools
from their own natural folly.

Why, Horace Vandergelder,
as I live and breathe.

How well you look today.

I just came by to return your cane.

So don't let me interrupt.

Uh, you were all doing something?
What were you doing?

We were getting Cornelius
and Barnaby's money.

-$146.35.
-Plus $6.12 of mine.

-And the money my mama left me.
-That's right. $52.48.

-Thirty-eight, idiot.
-Forty-eight, Uncle.

-I'm positive I have--
-[all chattering]

HORACE: All right. All right. All right.

If all you can think about
at a time like this is money,

the safe is upstairs!

[squeals] Come!

And I have the combination.
You stay here.

If you insist, Horace.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Ephraim Levi,

I'm gonna get married again.

I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder.

And I'm asking your permission.

It won't be a marriage
in the sense that we had one,

but I shall certainly make him happy.

You can be sure of that.

I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder

and send his money out into the world

doing all the things you taught me.

As you always used to say, Ephraim,

"Money--" pardon the expression--

"is like manure.

"It's not worth a thing
unless it's spread around,

encouraging young things to grow."

Anyhow,

that's the opinion of the future
Mrs. Horace Vandergelder.

And, Ephraim,

I'm still waiting for that sign
that you approve.

[footsteps approaching]

-Mr. Vandergelder.
-Outside, front and back.

Bossy,

scheming, meddling,

irritating, inquisitive, exasperating.

Horace.

I know you're no longer interested,

but, um,

I have found you the ideal wife.

Dolly Levi, I don't want you
to find me any ideal wives!

If I want an ideal wife,
I'll find one of my own,

and I have found her,
and it's you, damn it!

I know I've been a fool,
and I probably always will be,

but, Dolly, forgive me and marry me.

No, Horace. I--I don't dare. I don't dare.

What do you mean?

Well, um, uh, you know as well as I do

that you're the first citizen of Yonkers.

And your wife would have
to be a--a somebody.

You are. You are.
A wonderful woman.

Yes, but, uh, do you really think
I have it in me

to forgo fancy clothes
and expensive jewels,

and instead be a benefactress
to half the town?

In other words, to be a credit to you?

Dolly, everybody knows that you could do
anything you wanted to do.

By the way, Horace, here's the money
I borrowed from you yesterday.

Keep it. Keep it.

[sobs] Oh, Horace.

Oh, I--I never thought I'd ever hear you
say anything like that.

[chuckles]

You know, it's bad business

letting Cornelius open a store
across the street from you.

It was your idea.

You better take him back
and let him be your partner.

-Partner?
-And Barnaby can have Cornelius's old job.

-Now, wait a minute, Dolly.
-That way we can all be together

so we can dance at Ermengarde's wedding.

That does it! You've gone too far.

-I'll dance at no wedding.
-Horace!

Besides, I don't know how to dance.

It would take me weeks,
months, years to learn.

-All right. I'll dance.
-And you will love it.

MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Vandergelder.

I said outside. Now get moving.

Horace Vandergelder, now,
what is going on around here?

Oh, nothing. I just thought I'd have
the shutters done over in forest green.

Forest green shutters?

I know the old paint's still good,

but that fella's just set up in business
and needs a good start.

You see, Dolly,
I've always felt that money--

pardon the expression-- is like manure.

It's not worth a thing
unless it's spread around,

encouraging young things to grow.

Thank you, Ephraim.

♪ Hello, Dolly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you here ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ I never knew, Dolly ♪

♪ Without you, Dolly ♪

♪ Life was awfully flat ♪

♪ And, more than that was awfully wrong ♪

♪♪

♪ Here's my hat, Horace ♪

♪ I'm stayin' where I'm at, Horace ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

Wonderful woman.

♪ Again ♪

♪ Put on your Sunday clothes
when you feel down and out ♪

♪ Strut down the street
and have your picture took ♪

♪ Dressed like a dream
your spirits seem to turn about ♪

♪ That Sunday shine is a certain sign ♪

♪ That you feel as fine as you look ♪

♪ Take the someone whose arms you're in ♪

♪ Hold on to her tight and spin ♪

♪ And one, two, three ♪

♪ One, two, three, one, two, three, look ♪

♪ I held her ♪

♪ For an instant ♪

♪ But my arms felt sure ♪

♪ And strong ♪

♪ It only ♪

♪ Takes a moment ♪

♪ To be loved a whole life long ♪

♪ Yes, it takes a woman ♪

♪ A dainty woman ♪

♪ A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife ♪

♪ Oh, yes it takes a woman ♪

♪ A fragile woman ♪

♪ To bring you the sweet things in life ♪

♪ Well, well ♪

♪ Hello, Dolly ♪

♪ Well, hello, Dolly ♪

♪ It's so nice to have you back
where you belong ♪

♪ You're looking swell, Dolly ♪

♪ We can tell, Dolly ♪

♪ You're still glowin',
you're still crowin' ♪

♪ You're still goin' strong ♪

♪ Just see the crowd ♪

♪ Swayin' ♪

♪ While the band's playin' ♪

♪ One of your old favorite songs ♪

♪ From way back when ♪

♪ So ♪

♪ Wow, wow, wow, fellas ♪

♪ Look at the old girl now, fellas ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Dolly'll never go away ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪♪