[Announcer]
[Dante] I can't believe it.
Our ten-year reunion.
Man, check out
the old gym.
Maybe this wasn't such
a good idea. I don't wanna see
how successful everyone is.
All you gotta do
is have a story in place.
If anyone asks, I'm suing
the government over some bad meat.
You're just the saddest man
on Earth.
Remember my story, Plug: I'm suing
the government over some bad meat.
But, sir, everyone
already knows...
you're a billionaire industrialist
with world domination plans.
Who's suing the government
over some bad meat.
- Mr. Leonardo,
what are you doing here?
- Wait.
I knew you looked familiar.
You were in my gym class.
You're the guy we threw a blanket over,
violated with soap...
- and threw into the girls' locker room.
- That was me.
In case you haven't noticed,
they're holding reunions...
for the classes of '70, '80
and '90 this evening.
You mean what's left
of the class of '80.
- I remember it like it was yesterday.
- [Crying]
Grad night in orbit!
Whoo-hoo!
Class of '80 rules!
And I've been working
at the video store.
- I know!
- This sucks. Let's get out of here.
Yeah. Wait a second.
Look who's here.
- My old baseball team.
- You weren't on the baseball team.
Right. I was only team manager
for four years, including the year
we won the championship.
I'm gonna go
hang out with them.
I'd bring you over,
but you know.
I understand.
No straight people allowed.
Hey, check it out. Debbie Peters is
heading this way for a little Randal.
[Deep Voice] Graves,
never thought I'd see you here.
- Dirty Debbie Peters. What are you,
some kind of a soldier?
- I'm a lesbian, you idiot.
- What? Since when?
- Since about two seconds
after we broke up.
So you're saying that after me
no other man would do?
- That's one way of putting it.
- Yes! I am the ultimate male!
Did you hear about my case against
the government? Bad meat.
Hey, Jon Sharp, team captain
and M.V.P. Good to see you.
- Who are you?
- Dante Hicks. Team manager. Remember?
No, doesn't ring a bell.
Take him outside and beat him up
for being different from us.
So, you're completely lesbo too,
Jeanie? No men at all?
- [Deep Voice] Not after you.
- Cha-ching!
What about Tracey Morgan?
I dated her in eighth grade.
Tracey and I have been
married for five years.
Who is the man?
Who is the man?
Okay, class of '70.
We are going to give out the award
for the most successful grad.
Now, this rabble of
pathetic mid-level managers...
teachers, doctors, lawyers
and Nobel laureates shall bow...
before the might
of Leonardo Leonardo Leonardo.
Sorry.
Leonardo Leonardo.
Okay, this is no surprise.
The winner is Hap Osgood,
owner of Osgood Hardware...
- soon opening his second store.
- [Cheering]
Ah. For too long Osgood Hardware
has been a thorn in my side.
- k*ll him, Plug!
- I'm only a publicist, sir.
Then k*ll him
with bad publicity.
[Chuckles] Sir, there's no such thing
as bad publicity.
- Plug!
- Consider it done.
Okay, our next award goes to the most
megalomaniacal evil billionaire...
bent on global domination and
the elimination of Osgood Hardware.
- Have the car standing by, Plug.
- And the winner is...
[Gasps]
Maximillian Stark!
[Cheering]
Class of '70 rules!
All right, John. I found a yearbook.
Look, there I am in the team picture.
- I don't see any manager.
- See? I'm right there.
That's my arm.
They cropped me out.
- Right.
- Well, what about this picture?
It proves I was
the team manager.
Yearbook photos
are pretty easy to fake. See?
All right, anyone who was ever remotely
connected to the baseball team...
there's gonna be a private party
in my van, B.Y.O.B.
First, let's beat this guy up
for trying to be like us even
though he's still different.
[Toilet Flushing]
This is the worst night
of my life.
Me too. Care for a drink?
I stole the bottle.
So, Dante is naked
in the adult section...
bag of licorice in one hand,
cooking oil in the other.
That's a true story.
All right, see you guys in ten years.
Randal? Hi. I don't know
if you even remember me...
but I used to have
a huge crush on you.
Every girl here tells me
you're a life-changing experience.
- That's true.
- Let's go somewhere private.
- Stupid reunion.
- Yeah. Stupid!
Look at that trophy.
I never got a trophy.
And now they don't even remember me.
I was the manager.
- I was the manager of--
- Stupid team.
I'd like to take this trophy
and go baseball--
Good night.
Right this way
to the lesbo express.
Oh, my God!
Pharaoh!
- So?
- So, this game used
to be in the cafeteria.
I played it all the time.
That's my high score.
- See the initials?
- S-E-X?
My alter ego. They used to call me
"Sexy Randal, the Pharaoh Wizard."
- No, they didn't.
- One guy did.
- Go, Sexy Randal, the Pharaoh Wizard!
- [Game Bleeping]
This game was so great.
You had to move the big bricks...
and build a pyramid
before the sl*ve masters whipped you.
- Do you wanna do it or what?
- Man, I had some good times
playing this machine.
Come on, come on.
Lift those bricks.
[Deep Voice]
Hey, hot stuff, wanna get out of here?
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but yes. Yes, I would.
Who's your daddy?
Randal is. Randal. Jump. Come on.
[Ringing]
- Hello?
- [Man Whispering]
What? I don't work
at the Quick Stop.
[Man Chattering]
Oh, manager.
Oh, God!
Not again.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
What's going on, Mr. Leonardo? I can't
remember a thing from last night.
- All we did was talk. I swear.
- About what?
Look, forget that I was
ever there...
and I'll give you the chance
to recapture all the baseball glory...
you never had in your youth
heading up my Little League team.
You have a Little League team?
Not yet, but we have a coach.
[Organ: "Charge"]
So, do you want
to coach Little League?
Hmm. Coach Dante.
Yeah.
Fine. Would a million
dollars change--
You mean you accept?
Yeah. Maybe I can finally get
some respect and show everyone
I'm more than just a scrub.
Boring. So, are you ready
to meet the boys?
- Is that my team?
- Uh, no.
Those are the bullies who beat up
your team every day. Here's your team.
Oh, my God.
The kid in the helmet.
Yes. And look at him.
- And of course, the uniforms.
- Escort Service?
Well, actually it's Leonardo's Plumbing
and Heating and Escort Service...
but it's eight cents a letter.
I have to go.
Good luck.
Well, come on, guys.
- What's wrong with him?
- That's the weird foreign kid.
Does he know any English?
Vamonos. Viens ici.
Achen heren.
- [Sneezes]
- [Indian]
[Sighs]
- Yeah, yeah, come on!
- Hey, Leonardo made me the coach
of his Little League team.
He bought Rob Zimmerman
a car. Hey, check it out.
I'm gonna break my old record.
[Game Bleeping]
[Egyptian]
I did it!
I broke 100 million!
I'm the pharaoh.
I am the pharaoh.
Big deal. It's just
an old video game.
Who but you
would ever care?
[Beeping]
Good morning. We're looking
for the greatest Pharaoh
player who's ever lived: S-E-X.
You were saying? Look no further,
boys. I am the pharaoh.
- It's him. Go, go, go!
- [High-pitched Ringing]
Oh, my God!
- What's going on?
- Off the top of my head...
I'd say these men are in the employ
of some super-secret federal agency...
which created Pharaoh
as a recruitment device...
for the ultimate warriors
of the digital age.
- Oh, you're very good.
- You're not going with them, are you?
Yep. I don't think this stuff will be
declassified for at least 50 years.
So, bye forever.
Okay, team, let's just take it slow
and see what you've got.
Strike three.
That's the ball game.
- Escorts lose again.
- [Cheering]
Coach Dante,
we're the worst team ever.
Yes, we are, Anthony.
Yes, we are.
Welcome, Mr. Graves.
I am Professor Ram...
director of research
here at the project.
During your stay here,
should you desire anything...
these ladies have been specially
trained to meet your any need.
- Any need?
- Any need, Randal-san.
Good. Then I need some candy
bars and some porn magazines.
A stack this high.
Quickly now.
You don't need magazine.
We are here to serve you,
if you catch my meaning.
- [Giggles]
- Then do as I say.
And I like the magazines
with the Asian chicks in 'em.
I've got a thing for Asian chicks.
As do I.
The Pharaoh arcade game is a test...
much like in the movie
Last Starfighter.
In fact, that's where
I got the idea, you see?
Your score indicates
you possess certain skills:
hand-eye coordination
and highly developed reflexes.
All abilities that would make you
an ideal starship pilot.
Oh, my God!
Randal's gonna be a starship pilot?
No. If you remember correctly...
the object of Pharaoh
is to build pyramids, you see.
[Whip Snapping]
[Man Screaming]
- Hey, what's going on?
- This is your mission.
These giant blocks here...
need to be moved
and piled up over there, you see?
- Come again?
- And just like in the video game...
if you fail to move the rocks,
the sl*ve guards will whip you
to death, all clear?
I can't move those.
They're huge.
Said the man who got
Go on. Give it a try.
Don't you have any machines
that can do this?
Yes. Good luck.
This sucks.
Aaah!
I stand corrected.
That sucks.
Okay, guys,
here it comes.
Is it chocolate?
- Damn!
- Hey, Jay. Little help?
[Grunts]
Whoa. Look at that arm.
Come on, Silent Bob. Time to see
what Greased Thunder can do.
[Engine Revs]
You feel that in your face,
Silent Bob? Wa-hoo! Nooch!
There goes the baddest kid
in the fourth grade.
He's not in the fourth grade.
He's 26.
He got left back...
a lot.
If Jay's only in the fourth grade,
then we can legally
have him on this team.
All we have to do
is convince him to play.
Jay, how would you like to play
on my Little League team?
Okay.
- Walk! Walk faster!
- I need a break!
First carry! Then break!
You big disappointment.
You get high score
but stink at moving rocks!
Man, I can't do this.
- Take break now!
- Oh. Thank God.
For break, pull cart!
Can I have your attention?
I want you to meet
our new center fielder, Jay.
- Snoochie bootchies, little noochies.
- This guy's an idiot.
[Crowd Cheering]
Yeah-hey-hey!
[Crying]
- You wanted to see me coach?
- No.
Which one of youse woke me and
told me Coach Dante wanted to
see me? Who was it?
[Continues]
[Indian]
- You wanted to see me again,
Coach Dante?
- No.
This isn't funny.
Carry rocks faster!
Do it now!
What does it look like
I'm doing?
No talk back!
You want take break again?
No break.
Anything but break.
Most honorable guard,
that sl*ve is breaking rocks slowly.
You, take break!
For break, get whipped
while pull cart with teeth.
"Dante, I pray this somehow
finds its way to you.
Also, I ruined the shirt
I borrowed from you. Randal."
[Burps]
The Escorts win.
The Escorts win.
We're going to the
Little League World Series, boys.
Break out the champagne.
Coach Dante, this champagne
has a note in it.
Then throw it out!
Ow! Dante's gonna come.
Ow! Dante's gonna come. Ow!
We're still going
to the Little League World Series!
[Dante] Here we are. Home of
the Little League world champions.
Well, this is the place.
Where is everyone?
Spooky noochies.
Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
where the Little League team is?
Little League team?
[Screams]
What's going on?
Where are all the children?
- They took the children.
- [All Gasp]
It was a foggy, moonless night
that they came down from the mountain.
And evil cult:
the Thuggee.
All you could hear were the sounds
of mothers crying in the darkness.
And when we awoke,
the children were all gone.
We'll find the children, and we'll
bring them back, creepy guy.
Jay, Bob, kids, let's go.
[Crow Cawing]
Why are we walking like this?
This entrance is
for deliveries only.
Oh, we got a delivery, all right:
a special delivery of pain!
You'll be wanting the secret
entrance then. Over that ridge...
pull on the severed human finger,
wall slides open.
- Everyone ready?
- [Mumbling] Underwear party!
- "Oonderwear" party!
- That's the spirit.
Let's go, go, go!
Randal!
- Dante?
- Get him!
- You came to rescue me?
- Uh, yeah. That's right.
You got my message.
I knew it.
Right again. What happened?
I thought you were going to some
secret government operation.
Yeah, I was,
but I did so well...
they gave me a promotion
and I landed this gig.
Pretty sweet, huh? You wanna
take my place, burn boy?
- Get him!
- There's no time.
We've got to find the missing children.
This way.
That's Ram. He's in charge,
but I don't think he has
anything to do with this cult.
[Whimpering]
[Groans]
Yeah! Tear his heart out!
- Huh?
- Great. That just ruins everything.
Thanks a bunch.
Get them.
- I think they spotted us, Coach Dante.
- Really?
The children.
My God, look at them.
I know. I had to
move big rocks.
They're just chipping away
at the walls. What a rip-off.
All right, team, we're not
leaving without these kids.
You know what to do.
What do we do,
Coach Dante?
Huh?
- Now let's get out of here.
- I'll meet you outside.
I've got some friends
that are still trapped.
Geishas, come on.
We're leaving.
- [Deep Voice] How do, Randal?
- Come on. I've gotta save you.
You already have, Randal.
Now go.
Spread your message of
male worthlessness and lesbian
liberation all over the globe.
Then, and only then,
will you truly be the one.
- I shall. Farewell, lesbians.
- Good-bye.
Thank you for bringing
our children back.
How can we ever repay you?
Youse got any
canned whipped cream?
Uh, sure. And then it's time
to let the healing begin...
for the months of malnutrition
and crippling abuse
our children have suffered.
- Oh, Mayor, you forgot something.
- Uh-huh?
- Play ball!
- What?
[Groans]
The Ex-Slaves are out of players
and forfeit. The Escorts win!
They are the new
Little League World Champions
under Coach Dante Hikes.
Hicks.
[Cheering]
High five.
That's cold,
Obi-Wan.
[Children Groaning]
[Escorts Cheering]
Ye-e-e-s!
01x05 - Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando, Take Part in a Whole Bunch of M
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The continuing adventures of clerks Dante and Randal, who try to make the best of their menial labor, with no help from Jay and Silent Bob.
The continuing adventures of clerks Dante and Randal, who try to make the best of their menial labor, with no help from Jay and Silent Bob.