01x06 - The Last Episode Ever

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer]

Ready to get swamped
by our adoring fans?

What's the matter, Spade?
Nobody love you?

[High-pitched Voice]
No.

After you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Randal is in the building.

- [Coughing]
- This can't be.
Maybe we're early.

Actually,
we're ten minutes late.

Uh, hi, loyal fans.

I'm Dante
and this is Randal.

We're the stars of the hit
A.B.C. cartoon Clerks,

and we're ready
to take your questions.

- Are you guys gay or what?
- No! Next question.

Yeah. I love the movie Clerks,
but I think your show sucks hard.

It's in color, right,
and nobody curses?

It's nothing like the movie,
with all the monkeys...

and the Little League stuff
and the evil billionaire guy.

It's like it's on
The Simpsons.

[Homer Simpson-like]
Doh!

I also feel that you guys
come off as gay on the show.

- Thank you.
- That wasn't even a question.

Yeah. I wanted to ask you,
how little you guys sold out for,

and what it feels like to have
no soul and a black heart?

Oh, oh, and when will Ellen
be guesting on your very gay show?

- I can't believe it.
They hate the show.
- Yeah, and they think you're gay.

We have to do something.
We've gotta make the show
more like the movie, quick!

But why? The network
thinks it's great,

and the network would never
let a bad show on the air,
even if they owned it.

- Would they?
- Boys and girls of America,

from this point on I promise
Clerks, the cartoon is going to
be more like Clerks, the movie.

- Who are you talking to?
- We're bringing it back
to its roots. You have my word.

Nothing but
old school Clerks.

[Goofy-like Laugh]
We're keepin' it real, folks.

[Ringing]

- [Dante] Hello?
- [Man] Neo, I've been
looking for you.

- Are you ready to learn
the truth about the Matrix?
- What?

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

[Groans]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

- Not off to a good start, are we?
- Nope.

Come on. Let's get to work.

I closed the shutters.
Hit the lights and
we're out of here.

Thank God.
Man, what a day.

All you did was read Highlights
for Children for 12 hours.

- I was doing research
for our lawsuit.
- What lawsuit?

You mean to tell me
you don't notice the more than
coincidental similarities...

between us
and "Goofus and Gallant"?

It's like someone's been
co-opting our lives for publication.

- So, wanna catch a flick?
- Can't.

- Dinner with the folks?
Someone die?
- Nope. No.

- Gonna k*ll your folks?
- God, no!

- Did it ever occur to you
I might have a date tonight?
- Eww. With your folks?

Nope.
With Caitlin Bree.

Caitlin Bree?
But she--

I know. She cheated on me
all the time and she broke my heart.

Well, she's changed.
And tonight could be the start
of something good between us.

Yes, sir, things are looking up.
We're closed.

- Clerks, did youse guys see what's
happening across the street?
- No.

They're putting up some huge fair
on the old Quicker Stop lot...

with pink cotton candy and guys
all making out with each other.

It's so gay.

Wanna check it out,
Silent Bob?

- Did you hear anything
about a fair?
- No.

Man, youse gotta see
how stupid it is over there.

They've got an animal exhibit,
a freak show,

and Alan Thicke
is the guest of honor.

That is the gayest.
I gotta get back.

Holy crap!
TV's Alan Thicke?

- Wanna go check it out?
- Well, I guess I got time.

- It is just across
the street.
- [Phone Ringing]

Hey, boss. Yeah. Hold on a second.
Call waiting.

Hello? He's right here.
For you.

- Caitlin?
- [Man] Neo. It's me again.

I'd still like to tell you
what the Matrix is.

Hey, pal, if you don't leave me
alone, I'm calling the cops.

I'm back, boss. Yep. Got it.
No problem.

Come on. I wanna pop by the fair
before I have to meet Caitlin.

We're not going anywhere. The boss
says because the fair's in town,

- he wants us to stay open all night.
- What? All night?

- What about the video store?
- Nope. He wants me to
help you man this side.

I've told him before that
if we stayed open all night,

the video store can cater
to the vampire and hooker
crowds, but he never listens.

I can't believe this! I finally
have a date with Caitlin
and I can't go.

I better call her.
Open the shutters.

No way. Those steel shutters
are the only thing standing
between us...

and certain doom if that
Ferris wheel breaks loose
and crashes into the store.

- Those rides are put together
by junkies and alcoholics.
- No, they're not.

Do you guys sell Elmer's glue
and thumbtacks?

We're trying to put
together a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Do you guys sell
black tar heroin?

- No and no.
- Well, rubber bands it is.

- There's no answer at Caitlin's.
- I know what'll cheer you up.

Let's just run over to the fair
real quick, just to see Alan Thicke.

That was so gay,
right, Silent Bob?

Youse guys can totally
skip the fair.

It's all spin art and pony rides
for gay little kids. How stupid.

- What are those?
- Tickets. We might as well
finish 'em off.

Come on, Silent Bob.

Come on, man. Spin art,
not 30 feet away from us.

I've gotta try Caitlin again.
She's gonna think I stood her up.

Ah, the old stand-'em-up-and-
make-'em-think-you-couldn't-
care-less-about-'em.

Randal's first rule
of dating etiquette.

You haven't had a date
in two years.

Randal's second rule
of dating etiquette.

- Hello, Caitlin?
- [High-pitched Voice]
Hello, Dante. How are you?

- Are you okay, Caitlin?
You sound a little sick.
- I'm not sick, Dante.

- [Man] I just want to show you
the truth about the Matrix, Neo.
- Good-bye!

Mary, mother of God!
I cut my hand on a rubber band.
Do you sell Band-Aids?

Band-Aids is a brand name.
The proper term
is "adhesive strips."

The man is bleeding
to death and you're getting
into a semantics argument?

Name brand word association is
one of the more subtle threats
to this nation's free trade.

It gives the larger,
well-known companies
an unfair advantage.

I'm doing my part to keep
the playing field level
by weaning people...

off referring to generic
products with brand names.

- Way to show some backbone.
- No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.

- So, do you sell
adhesive strips or what?
- No.

Well, that's just great.
What are we gonna use to hold
the merry-go-round together?

Watch the store. I'm just gonna run
over to tell Caitlin I have to work.

Oh, no, back behind
the counter, clerk.

Me and Walt are here to make
a purchase from your sorry store.

Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
We need some supplies.

Me and Walt plan on winning Alan
Thicke's costume ball at the fair.

- Who are you going as?
- What does it look like?

Johnny Storm,
the Human Torch,

while Steve-Dave is a bounty
hunter, cleverly dressed
just like Steve-Dave,

who catches the Torch and delivers
him over to Victor Von Doom.

That's right. We need lighter fluid
and matches for Walt,

and a burnt cork
for a fake beard for me, got it?

- Isn't that a little dangerous?
- You're just jealous because
me and Steve-Dave...

are having a sleepover
after the fair at my mom's house.

Would you two stop it
with the sleepovers already.

You're in your mid-twenties,
for God's sakes.

You're just jealous because
me and Steve-Dave are going
to do body painting...

at the sleepover too,
and play naked robber.

Uh, I'll have you know
naked robber...

was one of Star Trek creator Gene
Roddenberry's favorite party games.

Yo, Dante, that Caitlin Bree
chick is over at the sucky fair...

with Dan Wiffler
and they're looking for you.

- Did she say anything?
- Something about going to
have sex with Dan Wiffler.

I knew it.
She thinks I stood her up.

Quick. I need you two to tell her
I'm stuck at the store.

No time, man. Me and
Silent Bob have an appointment
at the gorilla cage.

We've come to the conclusion
that we need more gorillas
in our empty lives.

That's it. I'm walking across
the street to that stupid fair
and finding Caitlin.

Run for your lives! Someone
let the gorillas loose and
they're attacking everyone!

- Oh, no, Caitlin!
- Except Caitlin Bree
and Dan Wiffler...

who are having sex
in a car.

Oh, my God!
Someone let the gorillas
out of their cage at the fair!

They're rampaging through downtown
k*lling anyone in their paths.

- Are you gonna buy something?
- I lost my purse in the shuffle.

Well, this ain't a museum,
lady. If you're not gonna buy
anything, you've gotta leave.

But there's
certain peril out there.

- Ferris wheel's broken loose?
- No, the gorillas!

Don't waste my time! Out! Out!

- [Woman Screaming]
- Now, where was I?

That you can't believe that Caitlin
Bree is cheating on me again.

That we're not even
dating officially yet,
and the cycle has begun anew.

No, that wasn't it.
Oh, yeah.

See, the thing I don't get about
Princess Leia is her sovereignty.

If you were her, wouldn't you
be glad when Grand Moff Tarkin
blew up Alderaan?

I mean, you'd be
queen at that point.

Her mom was dead before
they blew up Alderaan, so
wouldn't she be queen already?

Ah, the whole movie's flawed,
like that light saber stuff.

They turn it on
and it goes yea-high.
How does it know when to stop?

- Um, the Force?
- Man, that's your answer
for everything.

Wait a second. Did that lady
say gorillas were rampaging
through downtown?

- I wasn't paying attention.
- Maybe we should go see
this ape rampage for ourselves.

- It is right outside.
Maybe I could find Caitlin.
- Sure, why not?

Do you sell gum?

[Giggling]

Um, yeah.
It's over there.

[Giggling]

[Screaming]

It's okay. It's okay.
Don't worry. We'll clean it up.

Yipes. Just yipes.

Yeah. Do you think they're
cognizant of how bad they got it?

Well, let's hope not,
poor bastards.

I wanna send a dozen roses
to Caitlin. Lend me a couple bucks.

- Uh-uh-uh. First you gotta
press ham against the window.
- Fine.

Yipes. Just yipes.

Yeah. Do you think
they're cognizant...

of how bad they've got it?

Let's hope not.
Poor bastards.

Thank you.
Have a good fair.

One of us! One of us!
[Giggling]

Check it out, Silent Bob. Dante's
parents came by to check on him.

Youse guys are missing
the sweetest fair.

- I thought you said
it sucked and was gay.
- It's getting better.

This guy with the realest beard
I ever saw set another guy
wrapped in tin foil...

on fire at the costume ball,

and Alan Thicke made
an awesome joke at their expense.

He's gotta be
the funniest man alive.

Let's get back to the sucky fair,
Silent Bob.

I wanna get in line for that
Caitlin chick's kissing booth.

What? Caitlin has a kissing booth,
like for charity?

Yeah, only it don't cost nothing
and it's not for charity.

And there's no booth.

And it's more than
just kissing.

And you don't have to
be a guy.

Dude, she's cheating on you.

So much for Dante and Caitlin II:
Electric Boogaloo.

- I think I hate her.
- You know what I hate?

Soccer.
Hockey is so much better.

- What does that
have to do with Caitlin?
- Everything.

- Like it's so stupid
how they use nets in soccer.
- Hockey uses nets.

Yeah, but in soccer, the object
is to get the ball past a goalie.

- That's so dumb.
- There are goalies
in hockey too.

- Dude, Caitlin's cheating on you.
- [Leonardo] Good evening, clerks.

I couldn't help but monitor
your conversation about soccer...

- over the wire tap
I've installed in your store.
- So?

So, Mr. Leonardo
is hosting a party...

honoring the Brazilian men's
soccer team this evening.

- Why?
- Their plane went down
on top of his building.

Yes, they'd already
eaten two of their teammates
before I discovered them.

I've been looking
to set up an exhibition
game for the survivors.

You'll never find anyone to play.
Who wants to play soccer?
Soccer's for girls.

Ohhh. I'll wager you
one million dollars...

that my team beats you clerks
without using their hands.

Oh, you're on.
How much you got in the register?

Are you crazy? We can't b*at
the Brazilian soccer team.

Relax. We have
home field advantage.

And I know just
where to play.

You know, we could
just play on the roof.

No way. That fair
might distract us.

You ready?

[Trilling]

Run!

Is that a forfeit?

[Ringing]

Quick Stop. Yep.
Hey, it's for you.
I think it's your dad.

- Hello?
- [Man] Is your
refrigerator running?

- That's the oldest one
in the book.
- Neo, please.

Let me tell you
about the Matrix.

- No, I'm hanging up.
- Don't hang up.

We don't have to talk
about the Matrix. We could
just talk about... stuff:

your favorite bands,
chicks who've broken
our hearts,

uh, the Matrix.

[Groans]
This guy won't leave me alone.

- Well, let's crank call him.
- I don't have his number.

- Star 69, my friend.
- But isn't this guy supposed
to be a master hacker?

He probably figured out
a way around Star 69.

Trust me, if I can't get
around Star 69, no one can
get around Star 69.

- 69--
[Chuckles]
- [Line Ringing]

- Hello?
- Uh, hi, this is U.S.A. Today.

We're polling Americans on their
spelling acumen for one of those
cool color graphs we do.

Can you please spell
the phrase "I Cup"?

- I don't understand the question.
- What's to understand?
Just spell "I Cup."

- I-- I don't get it.
- Man, "I-C-U-P!" Get it?

You-- You do?

What? Yeah, sure, whatever. Bye.

- Good job.
- Well, at least we
didn't get in trouble.

[Man Over Bullhorn]
This is the F.B.I.

You're under arrest
for violating national security
and spying on the president.

Come out with your hands up.

[Caitlin Over Bullhorn]
Dante, it's Caitlin.

If you can hear me, I'm getting
married to a man I just met.

[Ringing]

One of us! One of us!
[Giggling]

[Man Over Bullhorn] We still
have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.

[Caitlin]
Dante, it's Caitlin again.

I want you to go wedding dress
shopping with me...

and other emasculating activities
that I can think of.

- You threatened the president?
- Not today.

- Hey, does "emasculating"
mean "cool"?
- Um, yes.

[President] Hey, you in there.
This is the president.

- Can you still see me pee?
- What are we gonna do?

Face the music, I guess.
Go out there,

- look them in the eye and
tell them you made the call.
- You made the call!

- You made the call!
- That's not gonna work.

With my record,
they'll lock me up for life.

I've already got a few priors:
harassing Rue McClanahan,

threatening Estelle Getty,
exposing myself to Bea Arthur.

I told you hating The Golden Girls
would result in something like this.

I regret nothing.
Sic semper, Bea Arthur!

Fine. We'll surrender
before they tear gas us. Let's go.

I know I'm usually
a wise-cracking smart aleck
who's quick with the quips,

but I don't mind telling you
I'm really scared.

Man, get a room.

- How'd you get past the F.B.I.
and the president?
- Oh, that was easy.

Getting past that Caitlin
chick was tough, though.

She's one of those huggy chicks
and kissy and--

- All right!
- What the hell's
going on out there?

Oh, it's whacked, man.
The president was att*cked
by a couple of pinheads...

that looked like
your parents.

Then an elephant trampled
the president.

That Caitlin chick was making
out with everyone whose name
starts with the letter "J".

Sounds like they're gonna be
pretty busy out there for a while.

You know what I meant to ask you?
Do you think as a nation,

we should stick with
the electoral college or go back
to one man, one vote?

- Why do you ask?
- Just trying to liven up
the evening, I guess.

Holy crap! The freaks have
declared w*r on the F.B.I.

And half the Brazilian soccer
team just ate the other half.

And the guy at the popcorn stand
was carried off by gorillas.

And that Caitlin chick was
making out with everyone whose
name starts with the letter "B".

Can I ask you a question?
If you were Steven Tyler
from Aerosmith for one night,

and you could pretty much
get any woman alive,
who would you pick?

- Oh, Caitlin.
- Her? Me, I'd pick Liv Tyler.

Dude, it's chaos out there!

A bunch of hookers and vampires
showed up looking to rent a movie,

and when they saw the video store
was closed, they bit the president.

And there's no one
at the funnel cake stand.

Oh, and that Caitlin chick lifted
the alphabetical stipulations,

and was making out
with everyone in sight.

Have you noticed
something weird about tonight?
Things seem a little... off.

- How do you mean?
- Man, oh, Manashevitz!

The F.B.I. had to graft
the president's head
to the body of a gorilla...

to save him from
becoming a vampire.

He climbed up the Ferris
wheel and it broke loose
and crushed the elephant.

Then that Caitlin chick started
making out with the Ferris wheel.

And look what Silent Bob and me
found on the soccer team's bus.

Do you remember the days we used to
sit around cursing like sailors,

- talking about the minutiae
of pop culture?
- Hey, yeah.

Sometimes we'd play some hockey
on the roof or knock a casket
over at a funeral,

but other than that,
our lives were a lot less episodic.

Although Caitlin was still
a pretty big whore.

One of us! One of us!
[Giggling]

I think we need to take
a stand, Randal.

Let's just stay in here
and ignore what sounds like
too much plot outside.

Under no circumstance,
no matter what's going on out there,

do we step one foot
outside that door.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

Dude, I think someone
just keyed your car.

What? Oh, that's it!
We're going outside.
Come on, Randal!

Here we go.

- What's all this?
- It's the Matrix, Neo.

I am not Neo
and this is not the Matrix.

Oh, yeah?
Beef jerky.

The Matrix is telling
my brain this is turkey jerky.

Now let's try
Asian p*rn stars.

Asian p*rn stars!

Hey, what's going on?
Rembrandt, wake up!

I said Asian p*rn stars.
Hop to it.

[Techno]

Okay, ha-ha.
We don't fit into these
surroundings at all.

Lips or hips?

Uh, hips.

All right, you slop artist.
Knock it off!

Don't insult him, man.
You might make him mad.

Relax. We're the stars
of this picture.

He's gotta treat us
with dignity.

Make me look like
I'm supposed to, now!

Do I look like a slacker?

I ain't laughing here.

- This is all wrong!
- Maybe.

- But when in Rome--
- [Screaming]

Hey, check it out.
Caddyshack.

Now we're talking.

[Imitating Bill Murray]
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
He's a Cinderella boy.

[Screaming]

We gotta find
a way out of here.

There's something.

Uh-oh.
It's the writer's room.

[Snoring]

Hey, guys, I got
the funniest idea ever!

How 'bout we send them
to Gilligan's Island...

and make gay jokes about them
the whole episode?

It's pretty warm on this island,
eh, little buddy?

- I'm gonna take my shirt off.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, no,
must... fight this.

Look, mac, if you're gonna
fool around, how 'bout
putting us in a cartoon...

with some chicks
so maybe we could score?

[Gasps] What is this guy's
fascination with gay jokes?

As long as middle America
is unprejudiced and open-minded,

we ain't going anywhere.

[Together]
Oh, brother.

- This is humiliating.
- Eh, could be worse.

How? How could it
ever be worse?

Welcome to the three-hour version
of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?

[Screaming]

Ain't I a stinker?
Naga-naga-nooch!