01x01 - You're the Boss

[bunniefuu]

[interviewer] Whenever you're ready,
Raphaël.

Tell me everything.

DIRECTOR
A WOMAN OF RESISTANCE

- [sighs]
- [somber piano music playing]

Honestly, I don't even
know where to start.

It's impossible to sum up.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

The whole thing is absurd.

This sh**t was...

PRODUCER

Let's just say anything that could've been
a problem actually was a problem.

[chuckles]

Even... [inhales]

...things that we never imagined
could be a problem, turned into a problem.

Well, I hadn't been on many film sets,
so I figured all this was pretty normal...

CHILDHOOD FRIEND OF RAPHAËL

...that that kind of sh*t
happens all the time, so, uh...

But I found out pretty quick
it never should've been that hard.

Seriously, this was a real shitshow.

Usually for a making-of,
I have one or two cameras.

DIRECTOR OF MAKING-OF

But this one was such a fiasco,
there was so much crap,

I sometimes had, like, ten cameramen.

It's...

It wasn't only my film.

[music swells to a dramatic close]

My whole life went down the drain.

- Action!
- [exciting music playing]

- [hissing]
- [expl*si*n]

[tires screeching]

Drama breaks out on the set of the film...

A Woman of Resistance by Raphaël Valande.

- [man] Oh my God!
- [screaming]

Obviously they'll file a complaint!

Offensive and misogynistic.

My big sausage is gonna go between
those two huge mangos.

Robin Jacomet does not condone that!

f*ck off!

[man] I will not calm down!
I'll say whatever the f*ck I want.

No director has the right to behave
in such a horrible way.

- sh*t!
- sh*t!

Get out!

A director sh**ting about his
grandmother in the resistance is great...

Ta-da! [chuckles]

We invested heavily in this film.

Personally, I would never
invest one red cent on Raph.

RAPHAËL'S GRANDMOTHER

He thought he was cut out
for more than milking cows.

He thought he was better than us.

Pff!

Look at the mess he's made now.

[Raph] Excuse me, everyone!

Quiet please, team! Hello? People?

You need charisma to direct a film.
Authority, knowing how to talk to people...

RAPHAËL'S SISTER AND BROTHER

I dunno, am I right?

That, uh...

- That... that's not Raph.
- [Raph sobs]

[Magalie] Raph is incredibly sensitive.

So when this whole thing
with the mole happened...

[screaming] Who is this f*cking mole?
Who is it? f*ck!

f*cking mole!

Hey, don't...
Don't film this. I said turn it off!

- [music ends]
- [clanging and chattering in background]

Obviously it was a hit job.

Someone framed me.

[sighs] I had, uh... I had a dream,

and someone out there decided
that I would never achieve it.

Wanna know who that is?

[suspenseful violin solo
over industrial sounds]

[transitioning into synth b*at]

[man singing] ♪ Fiasco! ♪

- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.

- [door creaking open]
- [slow footsteps]

ONE YEAR EARLIER
FIRST DAY OF FILMING

[Jean-Marc] Come here, Slice.

Here, let me show you.

- You ready?
- [Slice] Right.

- There it is. You all good?
- Right.

- You rolling?
- Yeah.

All right, come on. Follow me.

So is Slice your real name?

[Slice] Uh, no, my name's Jean-Robert.

- [Jean-Marc] Ah.
- [Slice] Oh wow.

Slice, uh, has a better ring to it.

- Thanks.
- [chuckles] Here it is.

These are all the different departments.

The bustle of a film set, I love it.

It's cinema! [laughs]

[loud whisper] Oh, they're over there.
sh**t that for me, will ya?

That's Raphaël, the director,
with Ingrid, our lead actress.

[Raph] Ah! It's amazing
to see you in costume. It's...

[Ingrid laughs]

...unreal. You look so much
like my grandmother. [chuckles]

Younger though. My grandmother younger.

- Right.
- Like in the role when she was younger.

- [both laughing awkwardly]
- You think?

Yeah, as a compliment.

Uh, my... my grandmother is really...
I love her and she means everything to me.

Yeah, that really comes across
in the script, so...

Yeah.

So for you to say, um...

That she saved dozens of Jewish families
like mine, I just think...

Well, it just really touches me deeply.

You know, she actually saved me in a way.

- Oh yeah?
- She was the one who...

She pretty much raised me
after my parents d*ed. So...

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

No, it's all right. It's not your fault.

Well, not actually your fault.

How crazy would that be, right?
"Yeah, I actually k*lled your parents."

[laughs awkwardly]

[stabbing noises]

[mimics blood spurting, laughs]

Blood all over the place...
[laugh trails off]

No. So, uh...

You're not stressed out, are you?

I'm all good. It's...

It's not exactly my first sh**t.

Yeah. Mine either, luckily.

I mean, mine is. I don't know why I...
It's my first film sh**t actually.

- Opposite of you.
- [Magalie] All right!

Get into position!

We're about to start sh**ting!

- Okay, come on!
- [Raph] Uh...

Well, we'll talk later I guess, so...

Thanks and, uh... good luck.

Yeah. Thanks. Good luck to you too.

Well, there you go.

Yeah, this was the result of about

a two-year collaboration
between a great talent like Raph

and a big, uh, producer like...

me!

A decision was made to get on board
with a producer who was washed up.

And a bit nuts.

And I should know,
seeing as I lived with him for 15 years.

But, um...

Raphaël had written the most beautiful
screenplay I'd ever read.

It's a beautiful epic saga
that spans many eras.

And especially with Robin Jacomet
playing the male lead,

I didn't hesitate for long.

I was in!

I play Huguette Valande.
Raphael's grandmother.

LEAD ACTRESS

During the w*r,
but also in her previous lives,

which include the era of the Vikings,

as well as the Age of Enlightenment.

I was excited,
because I was about to do, uh, my...

My very own stunts for the first time.

And I'll admit that
that had always been a dream of mine.

Sound's speeding.

You hear that son?

Exciting, huh?

It's amazing.

So I, uh, get to do the first slate?

Six on one, take one.

[someone exhales]

- [Raph] Done.
- [applause]

[man] Excellent!

Robin, thanks so much for doing this.
It, uh, means so much to me.

That's sweet.
I'm here for you, all right? Huh?

[whispering] Here we go. All right.

- And we're rolling.
- Okay.

- Action, you can say "action."
- Ah. Action.

- Uh, louder?
- [shouting] Louder!

- No, say "action" louder.
- Action!

There.

[string music underscoring set sounds]

[g*nsh*t]

[yelling] C'mon, c'mon! Move!

[shouts]

I have to find her!

[man falling] I'm hit!

[whispering] That's great, that's great.

Huguette?

- [grunts]
- [music swells]

[gasps] Huguette!

Huguette.

Huguette! [gasping]

- Huguette!
- [propeller whirr]

- Huguette!
- My love!

- [clanging]
- Ow! f*ck! Cut!

[music ends]

f*cking hell!

Who put the f*cking table there?

Christ, I can't see sh*t.

This isn't Normandy,
it's a f*cking shisha bar in here.

Christ almighty!

[Raph] Oh, no, no, no.

- sh*t, you okay, Robin?
- I'm not all right!

You're not?

I hurt my knee a few years ago,
back in 2012 on

One Second in the Future, I think.

We can't take risks like this, guys!

I can't see sh*t with this stupid smoke.

- Yeah, the smoke, it's...
- [Robin] Jesus Christ.

But the smoke looks incredible
on the screen, it's ominous...

Ominous? Okay. Ominous. Listen to me.

I burst in, hup! I trip and bust my face
and smash into poor, uh...

- [Raph] Ingrid.
- Let her speak, please? To poor...

- Ingrid.
- Ingrid!

I smash into the lovely Ingrid.

Then we're in deep sh*t.
You, me, the whole team. All of us. Eh?

- Yeah.
- That's right. There you go.

- We should lose the smoke. Seriously.
- [Raph] Um...

Maybe not all? Not all the smoke,
because the way I envisioned it...

No, no, no. No. All of it.

- All right, all the smoke, much safer.
- Much safer. Exactly!

Because it's also your job
to protect your actors.

Huh? Because if we get hurt, well...

- [Raph] Right, right. So... So then we...
- What?

- [Raph] Lose...
- Good! There you go.

Okay.

Hang on, you can't let him
walk all over you like that.

No, no, I'm fine, really. I've got this.
It'll be fine without the smoke.

[Magalie] One more take
without the smoke! First positions!

All right, let's go. Let's, uh...
Let's do it.

- [Magalie] Right, roll camera.
- Roll camera.

- And rolling!
- Yeah. Rolling.

Action!

Shouldn't I be the one who...?

Sorry, we need to cut.
I can see everything.

The wires, the detonators,
they're plain as day back there.

[man] They were hidden
by the smoke before...

- Now we're seeing everything.
- All right...

[Robin sighs] This crew is a joke.

[Raph] Yeah, right, the smoke
was hiding everything before, so, uh...

[groans] Holy cow. So we see, uh... Maybe...

Maybe we could just add a little smoke,
and hide the wires and stuff. I...

Raph! Whoa! A decision was made. Okay?

You said no smoke, so no smoke.
The crew follows your lead.

You can't go back, or they'll think
you're a moron who can't make up his mind.

- A moron?
- Trust me.

[Magalie] Right. No smoke,
no explosions. We see everything.

Stay focused please everyone!

Stay focused.
expl*sives, smoke, none of it.

- [Raph] All right, go!
- Roll camera!

- [Raph] Roll c...
- [man] Sound speed!

We've got sound speed.

And...

Action!

[g*nsh*t]

[dirt falling]

[Raph] Thanks. [muttering] No. No, no.

[melancholy music]

[g*nsh*t]

[sighs]

f*ck me.

[whimpering]

Oh, God.

- [Tom] Did you see my reel?
- Ah!

- Oh f*ck, Tom!
- Oh! Sorry.

No. No, no, no.

The f*ck are you doing here?
I'm begging you.

You promised you wouldn't come
f*ck with my head.

I just want to know
if you saw my reel. If you did...

I don't give a sh*t about your reel!
Sorry Tom, but I... [gasping]

Can't you see I'm having a panic att*ck
and it's only my first day of sh**ting? I...

I'm totally f*cked
and no one's listening to me.

If I screw this up
I won't get another chance.

It'll be my first and my last film.

Then I'll never
prove myself to my grandmother.

- f*ck me.
- You're right, your grandma's pretty old.

- She's got that litter box smell now, so...
- Tom, I'm begging you.

- No, really.
- Look, I can't...

Come on. Get it together.
Forget about what your grandmother thinks,

or people who say
you're a sh*t-for-brains with no charisma.

- Right now, you have to...
- What?

- Wait, who says that?
- No! No one does, but...

Some people at school, others in town...

- Your family...
- Great, super.

Thanks for coming.
Is this how you lift my spirits?

You know what? I'm gonna help you out.

Forget my reel. It was my demo reel,
but we don't need it now. [inhales deeply]

I'll do the Viking right now.
You'll see what I can do.

- The what?
- The Viking.

He's been my best friend
since we were kids, but unfortunately,

Tom always wanted to be an actor. Always.

And he begged and begged and begged me
to give him a role in my film.

- [bellowing] May the blood of Odin...
- [weak groan]

...that runs through my veins...

[Raph moans]

...that the, that... Agh.

Hang on. That the dog man... No...

Yes. That the dogs of w*r...

w*r. Of w*r...

That the dogs of w*r...

Cowards, all!

That boob!

- Wait, stop. Gimme that.
- No, that brew!

- That brew.
- No way! This is the script!

- Who gave you this?
- No one, I found it in the trash.

Are you serious? What trash?

I don't know, one of those that
you wave your hand in front and it opens.

Not the model,
I don't give a sh*t! Where was the trash?

- In the kitchen. Where everyone puts it.
- Oh my God, Tom.

- Whose f*cking kitchen was it?
- Oh, um, Magalie, your assistant girl.

Her door doesn't close properly,
so I went in.

- Oh God.
- You know she doesn't sort her waste?

Cucumber peels on every page.

I could barely read it.
Don't worry, I still get it.

f*ck, Tom. I want you to immediately
stop burgling my crew. That clear?

- Burgling...
- [shouting] Yes! Burgling!

It's burglary. It's breaking and entering.

I'm not a lawyer but I'm pretty sure
it's breaking and entering.

And don't come back here.
Let me work in peace.

[breathes deeply] All right.
I'll show them I'm not a moron.

- [Tom] With no charisma.
- With no...

Yeah, okay, I got that part, thanks.

Just go, please.

[heavy breathing]

[Tom calling] So if you have a minute
to take a quick look at my, uh, demo reel?

And I won't let you down, Raph, huh?

I'll always have your ass, dude!

[Jean-Marc] Ah, Raph!
Uh. Your family just got here.

- They're waiting for you on set.
- My family?

Well, yeah.

- But they said they weren't gonna come.
- Well, they're here. Go on.

- All right.
- Back in a bit.

[Raph] I have to admit,
I was surprised they showed up.

Ever since I left the farm,
when I decided to leave for the city

and pursue my career
in the movies and all that...

Uh, our relationship hasn't been that...

sweet and rosy, you know?

From the very start, she was the grandma...

The grandma from hell, really.

Oh no. This film
didn't interest her one little bit.

Ta-da! [chuckles]

- You recognize everything?
- [grandma] Mm.

So yeah, we recreated the living room
exactly how it is on the farm and...

[laughs] Well,
how it was in 1943, of course.

Yeah, well, my ceiling fixture
isn't as bad or as ugly as that.

[sister] Oh God, no. And those... [scoffs]
...lampshades are way off.

[Raph] Right. Well, I guess I can, uh,
maybe get them to replace the, uh...

[brother] This must have cost a fortune
to do all this. Pfff!

Imagine what we could've done
with that money at the farm.

[sister] Yeah.

[meekly] We got the same chair too.

Heh.

[interviewer] Did it bother you
your family had no interest in your dream?

That they belittled you like that?

For me, uh...

For me that wasn't the issue. It, uh...

My idea and what I was sure of was that...

one day they're gonna see the film.

The lights in the theater will come up...

[hopeful music]

...they're going to dry their eyes,
and they'll understand.

And like in all those American films,
they'll, they'll, they'll finally say...

That f*ckin' idiot...

- [interviewer] Nothing else?
- ...he f*ckin' did it.

Uh, gimme a second take?

Yeah, I didn't quite feel that one.

Usually in American films
they don't get it on the first take.

[emphatically] He f*ckin' did it.

He did it.

I like that take the best.

[forced] Anyway, thanks so much
for coming to see me.

On my first day.

[grandma] We didn't come for you,
we came for Josephine.

All right. Huh?

[grandma] I suggested that...

that she be my stuntwoman.

Well, for, uh... my character.

Wait sorry but Josephine, uh, Jo... uh...
the Berneuils' daughter Josephine?

Yes, the Berneuils' daughter.
They buy just about all our livestock.

Yeah.

So, uh, when they finally ask us
for a favor, we do it.

B... Okay, but that's, uh...

That's gonna be difficult because...

- She's very strong.
- I'm sure she is.

She won the last
Ninja Warrior competition.

- That's pretty good.
- That's great.

- [grandma] Yeah.
- Amazing, Ninja Warrior. That's super.

- [knocking]
- Monkey bars and all that.

Hello. Sorry for interrupting.

[brother] Hello.

Madam Valande...

Who's this one?

Oh yes, this is Ingrid Flaumenbaum, Mamie.

She's going to be playing you,
uh, in the film.

She's our Huguette.

Where have I seen you before?

No, Mamie, nowhere. Why? Oh, on TV maybe?

- Because she's a well-known actress...
- I remember now! Hah!

She's the one on the poster
you got above your bed.

No, she's... [nervous laugh]

No, no, no. She's, uh...
Don't mind her, Ingrid.

[all laughing]

[makes crazy sound] No, no.

[woman] Hello!

[grandma] Ah, here she is at last.
Come here, Josephine, sweetheart.

- Hello, nice to meet you.
- Hello, Ingrid.

Oh, three, sorry.

So you're, uh... a part of the family too?

- [Raph] A friend of the family.
- [Ingrid] That's great.

Cool, so you've come to see
how it all works here, on the set?

Yes, but I'm also working on the film.

Oh, that's great.

Uh... What is it...
What is it you're going to be doing?

[Raph] Uh... It's...

[grandma] Oh, come on.
Just tell her, Raphaël, tell her.

Yeah, sure. Yeah.
But Josephine, she's, uh...

She's very strong. Uh, top, of the...

Oh, for God's sake,
she's doing your stunts.

There!

When I found out
I wouldn't be doing my own stunts, I...

Well, I was upset.

It's not fair.

The director on my last film sh**t
pulled all the same crap as this.

- Same old ingrained misogyny.
- [aghast] What?

No, wait. What misogyny? Oh, no, no.
There won't be any of that on my set.

I want you to know that right now, Ingrid.
No, no, no, I promise.

No, no. This all has to do with
technical stuff and insurance and safety...

[sighing] Raph,
I'm not happy with this decision.

- And not comfortable going forward if...
- Okay, okay.

- Maybe what we can do is, uh...
- Hey, you all right? All good?

- Yeah.
- Not really, actually.

Uh, no.

Raph won't let me do my own stunts
after all the work I've put in and...

[Raph] No, no, no, it's not, it's, uh...
I, um... We have...

Well, look, Ingrid,
Raphael is the director.

So if he made this decision,
it's for a good reason.

So, uh, we're sorry,
but that's the way it is. That's it.

Okay.

Whatever you say.

[Raph] Yeah.

- I'm sorry, uh, Ingrid. It... It... It's...
- [Jean-Marc sighs]

...much simpler... [groans]

Hey, now. Come, come.
Raph, I wanna talk to you. Come here.

[encouragingly] Look, you've got a vision.
You gotta fight for it.

Just assert yourself, man.

Okay. No, you're right,
I know. You're right.

- Look at me.
- 'Kay.

You're the boss. Get that into your head.

You are the boss.

- Okay.
- No. Not "okay." Say it for me.

- "I'm the boss?"
- Yes.

- I am the boss.
- No, come on. You gotta mean it.

- One more time. "I am the boss."
- [stronger] I am the boss.

- Good, one more time.
- I am the boss!

- Again.
- I am the boss!

- Damn right! Let's go tell them.
- Huh?

- Yeah!
- What do you mean?

[Jean-Marc] Quiet down, please!
Just stand here.

[laughs]

- [room quiets]
- [Jean-Marc] Right!

Yeah, so sorry about this morning folks,
we got off to a bit of a rocky start

and Raph never had a chance
to give his opening speech.

- [Raph mumbling] No.
- And he's anxious to say a few words.

- It's all yours now, boss. Go ahead.
- Uh... Um... Heh.

[loudly] Well, thanks, uh,
very much for being here. Uh...

[faltering] I'm, uh... woof. It's, uh...

I... I... I didn't... I didn't write anything.

- [Jean-Marc chuckles]
- But, uh...

But I like to, uh, sorta wing it a bit
with this kind of speech.

So, as you all know,
this is a film about family.

A film about my grandma as well.

As I've always said, we have to work
together to be in a grandmother.

- [crew chuckles]
- In a family!

Uh... [exhales]

The grandmother... No. I have to stop
with the grandmother thing. Uh...

[stammering] What's important

is we're united and consider ourselves
like one big family.

[Raph exhales]

So I was thinking that I,
uh, know all of you.

Uh... Since I'm... [uncertain] I'm the boss.

[more strongly] But you,
you do not know each other.

And so, here we go!

Let's start with costumes! With Sophie.
Go on, introduce yourself.

Uh, no, I'm Gabrielle.

I'm on an internship.

Oh, that's right!, Gabrielle, sorry!

I saw you last week.
You were testing makeup.

Uh, no, not really,
I only got here this morning, so...

All right, welcome.
Go ahead, Tania! Uh, stunt coordinator.

- Tatiana.
- Tat... Tatti... Tats... bingo! Go ahead.

This is fun.

[Québécois accent] Bon, ben allô,
everyone, my name, she, uh, Tatiana,

stunt coordinator.

And I'll be watching all the stunt...

Oh, yes! And I wanted to tell you
that I think it's really too bad

Ingrid won't do her own stunt.

Because we really work
and I think she was ready.

[Ingrid] I completely agree
with you, Tatiana, 'cause...

- [chatter]
- ...it's like I was saying...

- Wait, what's happening?
- I'm totally ready...

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Uh. Guys in the back there, hello?
Uh, we're not disturbing you?

[chatter stops]

What is it?
Her accent that's making you laugh?

Wait, no. Not at all. We weren't laughing.

Yeah, well, right now,
I'm not laughing. Bam.

Not even a little bit. Because someone
speaks a little differently...

[imitating accent]...and she talk like that
and maybe she mix up her word?

Is that it? Is that what you find funny?
Because I don't.

We do not make fun of people.
That's called psychological harassment.

And that is nein on my film.

That means no. In German.

And it also comes after eight in English
and I imagine you find that funny too?

When I scolded those two guys,
those two technicians,

well, yeah, I was taking the opportunity
to show the entire crew and to Ingrid

that I would have zero tolerance
for harassment and misogyny,

and there would be none
of that sort of thing on my set. You know?

Hey, I understood that he meant well.

But with all the stress, uh... Well.

I'll admit that he totally
put his foot in his mouth.

Because if we let that slide,
what's next? Huh? Is it misogyny?

- Let's talk about misogyny then.
- I think we all get the poi...

I can just hear all your disgusting,
lecherous comments.

[sarcastically] Oh, Ingrid, the actress...

Oh yeah, baby.
I bet that one just loves to role play.

In a threesome!

Very nasty twisting of words.

Very nasty.

- Tasteless jokes like that, here? No way.
- [Jean-Marc] Yeah.

- No way.
- [Tatiana] Bon. There you go.

- [Jean-Marc] Well, then.
- Got that? It's nein.

- Great. C'mon.
- And not the number!

- Right. No.
- Sorry if I got a bit carried away...

- No, no.
- I've just heard so many horrible things.

[Magalie] Great. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, my big sausage
is gonna go between those ripe mangos.

Oh, yeah. Because she's showing cleavage.
Those sweet mangos...

- [Magalie] We got it! Thanks!
- Check out my big salami!

- [Magalie] Thank you.
- No, people.

That salami stays in the cupboard.

Nice and dry.

Okay! So why don't we finish
the introductions later so we can

allow the crew to finish eating in peace.

[quiet chatter resumes]

So anyway, uh... Thank you all
so much for... for listening. Heh.

And, uh... [mimicking Tatiana again]
bon appetit, as they say in French.

- [Jean-Marc] Thank you, Raph.
- [Raph] Thanks.

[suspenseful electric whine]

[Magalie] Raph. Wanna tell me why
you were talking about mangos and salamis?

I have no idea! You know
when I get stressed I say stupid things.

I just wanted to show them
I've got a bit of charisma

and I know about
that sexual harassment and stuff.

Jean-Marc put me up to it.
He said make a speech.

You knew I didn't want to.

All I said was for you to get up
and show them you're the boss.

[sighs] Great. This is great.
They're all gonna hate me.

[Jean-Marc] No, don't worry.
But maybe next time do something simple.

- Yeah, like what?
- I dunno know, uh...

Maybe just sing a song or something.

- Because the whole mango thing...
- ♪ Because your mangos ♪

♪ Because your mangos ♪

What're you doing?

What? I'm singing a song about mangos.

Stop doing everything he says!

- That's what you just said!
- That's not what I said.

- You did.
- I didn't. I said stop the mango thing

- and sing a normal song.
- Ah.

That wasn't clear. I don't want to sing
in public. It's my worst nightmare.

- Come on. It'll make people happy...
- Sure, why not?

...they'll start clapping their hands
and tapping their feet.

I suggest, uh... Elton John.
I know how much you like him.

Right, Elton J...

No, I don't listen to that.
I'm not into mainstream crap.

His songs all sound that same.

I much prefer a more refined, uh... I dunno.

- What do you listen to?
- Well, uh, rap. Jay-Z. That kind of thing.

- You listen to rap?
- Stuff with a good b*at.

There's great beatboxing sounds
out there like... [buzzes lips]

- And a one! Brrsh!
- [Ingrid] Can I speak to you?

- Brrm! Chk! Uh, yeah. Sorry.
- You just spat on me.

Beatboxing. That's a lot of spit.

- Got a minute?
- Sure. Yeah.

[indistinct background chatter]

What the hell was that before?

Oh. Uh, no. Yeah, I...
I guess I went off the rails a bit.

[Ingrid] Yeah. No sh*t.
First you take away my stunts,

then you go on about sausages and mangos.

What's your problem?
Are you doing this on purpose?

No! No. I...

No, I... What... Yeah, that.

What "that"?

That! I'm doing it on purpose.
[laughs] Yeah!

I don't get it.

I... I was thinking about something, and
you're just too nice. For the role. And...

It was bothering me.

So... So I thought if I were to

get you really angry,
that might help you to find the emotion.

Look. I'm sorry, but it's because...
[grunting]

...we have to work more like the Americans.

Method acting.

Method acting.

- Get it?
- Okay.

Yeah!

- Wow.
- Yeah!

- You, uh, weren't fooling around. It's...
- Yeah. I admit that method...

Okay. Well, I understand now
because I was definitely a bit confused,

it just wasn't you.
I mean you've always been, um...

- wonderful and sweet from the start.
- Yes! Of course.

- And this didn't seem...
- But the character, she... isn't sweet.

Not sweet at all.

I wanna bring out the tough side in you.
That's a lot closer to her character.

Have you called my grandmother?

Well, no, uh... I tried to and every time
she told me that she didn't have time

and, um, that I should go f*ck myself.

There you go.
And that is... That is my grandmother.

She has no time. And go f*ck yourself.

- Yeah, that's pretty clear.
- Do it like the Americans.

Just like Christian Bale.

Did I tell you my story
about Christian Bale?

No, I don't think so.

I never told...
Oh, but you're gonna love it.

Well, you gotta... Yeah.
Come here a minute. I gotta tell you.

Let's use this. Um...

Uh. Okay, okay.

So, crazy story. [chuckles]

Totally nuts.

Uh, Raphaël decided one day
to take a little road trip.

Uh, summer of 2013,

uh, in his sporty little Peugeot 405...

Wait, 2014! [chuckles] Late 2013.

Uh, so I'm on the road
and suddenly I'm thinking...

Uh. Oh, uh. 2016!

It was actually 2016.

Anyway, I pull into the first restaurant,

a quaint little Portuguese place.

Really excellent menu,

Bacalhau, uh, bakalavuh,
a bunch of great stuff.

And, uh, I say to myself,

"Uh, You... You should go wash your hands."

Yeah. "So go wash your hands, Raph."
At first I couldn't find the bathrooms.

I was a bit lost.
But I end up finding them.

So I go into the bathroom,

I look around, and I see there's a guy
at the urinal in the back,

and he's having a whiz.

And I say, "I know this guy."

I'm thinking, "I know him."

My sister's wedding? No.

I've seen him in a movie!

So now the gears in my brain are turning.
This is just making me crazy.

It's making me nuts. And then, uh...

and then I go,
"Oh my God, I figured it out."

You're never gonna guess who it was.

- It was...
- Was it Christian Bale?

- [dejected] Christian Bale.
- Yeah, because you said before...

Yeah, I kind of gave it away.
Ruined it a bit.

[inhales sharply]

Well, uh, anyway, not important.

It's Christian Bale!

And... So, he walks right by me
as I'm washing my hands, and I'm like,

"Okay! Uh, just, just play it cool.
It's no big deal."

Then he walks up to me and he says,
"Oh, hello, David." [giggles]

I just couldn't believe it.

- He mistakes me for David, I guess.
- [Ingrid sighs]

[laughing] But I'm not David,
right? I'm Raph.

And he... he goes to leave,

he goes...

It was Christian Bale.

He mistook me for someone else!
[continues laughing]

That's a stupid story.

Sorry?

[gasps] No, I was...

Sorry, Raph,
I was just trying to be more, um,

kind of blunt like your grandmother,
like you were saying...

- Ah yeah! Oh wait, no, that's very good!
- Yeah?

That's the character!

Brilliant! Go for it.
Use that method acting.

Make choices, insult me if you want.

Stop with that stupid story!

f*cking thing had no twist,
it was boring as sh*t!

It's long! It took you forever to tell!

And your face looked like a gross meerkat!

Oh yeah, the look and everything.
Okay. That's good. Excellent, nailed it.

- Sorry for interrupt, mais I w...
- Then don't f*cking interrupt! You bitch!

- [Raph] Wow.
- This a joke? Or are you, uh...

[shouting] I can't understand
a word you're saying!

That stupid accent of yours.
Articulate! Christ!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- This girl has a real problem in her head!
- Shut up!

No, it's... It's an exercise...
She doesn't know that, uh...

- That's a good Christian Bale, but maybe...
- You shut your mouth too!

Lame assh*le!

- [meekly] That's good...
- f*ck off!

She's good.

[Ingrid roaring]

Really good.

[clears throat]

- [woman] How you doing?
- I'm good, thanks.

What's going on?

You told me to check all your e-mails?

One of them's urgent.

What's it about?

-

- Oh. Ho.

Enlarge your penis.

Oh, no, no, no.
They're not fooling me again.

No, no.
It's... it's not that one. Here, look.

Ah. Ah, all right.

[Raph] Ingrid, the actress, oh yeah, baby,
I bet that one likes to role play.

- [Jean-Marc] Oh no.
- In a threesome.

My big sausage is gonna go
right between those mangos...

- Yeah, baby!
- Oh, f*ck.

Oh, those ripe mangos?

- Check out my big salami! Uh, no, people...
- f*ck me, what is this sh*t?

Okay. Uh, he's giving us...

Let me calculate it...

Thursday morning, 10 a.m.,
to give him 50,000 euros?

If not he's gonna post the video
and it's going to ruin our film?

[gasps]

[groans]

But who's he gonna post it to?

What do you mean, who?

Well, when somebody posts a package,
they have to address it to someone.

Uh... No, what I think he means
is he's gonna post it on social media?

[sarcastically] Thank you,
Gabrielle, for clarifying that for me.

I'm not a complete moron
when it comes to social media.

[sighs]

I had no idea.

But I didn't want her
to know that. You know?

So this is...

It's bad, right?

Well, it seems like blackmail, yeah.

[sighs]

[chair squeaking]

Somebody in that lunch room
must have filmed that.

f*ck me. There's a rat in the kitchen!

Some rat on the crew
is trying to f*ck us all over!

This is really bad. Should I call Raphaël?

What? No, no, no. Definitely not. No.

You know something?

You and me are gonna play this
like Crouching Tiger, undercover.

We'll deal with this
the old-fashioned way.

Not a word to anyone.

- Not to our backers, not to Raphaël.
- [door opens]

[Raph, panicky]
What the f*ck is this video?

- The video.
- I was trying to tell you he was copied.

A copy? Of course
you got a copy. That's great.

Exactly what I wanted
to talk to you about. Perfect timing.

- So we forget about Crouching Tiger?
- [Jean-Marc] What?

- Huh? What's this about Crouching Tiger?
- [laughs]

Thanks, Gabrielle.

No, there's no tiger here, no fawns,
no animals at all. [chuckles]

- But there's still a mole on the crew.
- Uh, ye... Uh...

That part's true.
We got a mole on the crew.

[panicked] Oh my God. We've got a mole?

- And he's blackmailing us?
- [Jean-Marc] Yep.

This is a nightmare.

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

[gasps] f*ck!

- [Jean-Marc] "f*ck" is right.
- f*ck. [gasping]

[Magalie] Raph, think for a second.
Have you upset anyone? I dunno, uh...

Someone you've pissed off
enough to do this?

No, no, I swear, I...

I don't think so, no.

Just think a bit. Uh...

You never, uh... I dunno, maybe, uh...

sh*t in some guy's mailbox?

After a date at Marly's,
even though it went super well and,

uh, great vibes, a few cocktails,
some flirting, and then we leave together,

and then in the car
there's some light petting, and then...

[blowing raspberry]

...never hear from them again, and, um...

I dunno. Something like that.

She took a sh*t in some guy's...

- You shat in a guy's mailbox?
- No! Who said that?

Of course not!
It's just an example, to jog your memory.

- It was oddly specific...
- Trying to help you remember that's all.

- Jog your memory. Nothing more.
- Well, no! I never sh*t anywhere.

- Great, you didn't sh*t. Fine.
- [Jean-Marc] f*ck me, who could it be?

- I...
- Boom! It's her!

f*ckin' knew it! I knew it all along.

I told you
I thought she had a mousy little face.

No, no, no. I just, uh, wanted to say
I think I know who might've done it.

Oh, yes. By all means, tell us who.

I got caught in the moment
with that poor girl.

Well, before with Ingrid, when you were
insulting Tatiana, that stuntwoman,

after that she looked really upset
and she ran out bawling, and...

That's right! She's got a point!
With the, uh, method acting,

we said horrible things
to Tat... to Tat... to Tatianne...

- Tatiana.
- Tatiana. f*ck, that name.

Yeah, wait. Plus the angle of the video.

It matches pretty closely
to where she was sitting, right?

- It all adds up!
- Great!

I'll just go
patch things up with her then.

[Magalie] No, she's gone,
do it tomorrow morning.

- [Raph groans]
- Just do it first thing,

because we have a huge stunt
we have to do and then we lose the set.

- So, just please, focus.
- [Jean-Marc] Yeah.

[Raph] Okay.

[crew chattering]

[Magalie] Okay people, hold the work,
gather 'round. Let's give over to Tatiana.

We've got to stay focused for this stunt,
so can I have everyone, please?

Okay, Tatiana,
everyone's here, the set is yours.

Okay. I just want
so that it's clear for everyone, okay?

On "action,"

Josephine starts the moto.

And then, she come down
and make more speed.

And then she go toward the tremplin,

right into the wall of box.

Once she is in the air,

me, I'm gonna let go her belt of security

and then I activate the cable
that slice the bike in two.

Is that clear for everyone?

- [all murmuring]
- Merci.

- Oh hey, Tata... Tian... How are ya?
- Hello.

- Yeah, ça va, you?
- Yeah. Lemme give you a hand.

Oh, no. That's okay. No.
Thanks, I don't need help.

- Okay?
- [Raph] Okay. Uh...

I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.

Just to clear things up
about what happened with Ingrid, you know...

- It was kind of a complex situation.
- What is that?

Well, like, when you... When Ingrid said
"I can't understand a word you're saying."

"You dumb bitch... Articulate, assh*le..."

Yes, yes, I... I remember the insults,
but what was complex about it?

Ah, yes. Well, it was
all part of this method exercise

we were doing, so it was definitely,
really, really not against you at all.

Okay.

I wanted to tell you we're
very happy to have you...

- [Tatiana snorts]
- ...here with us.

And I'm very, very big admirer
of all the work you've done.

- For real?
- Yeah, seriously!

Just look at your films in your showcase.

Fast and the Furious,
John Wick, Casino Royale...

No, those are film that I like,
I saw them at a showcase.

Ah, okay!

Ah, all right, you saw them at a showcase.

Okay. I thought
they were films in your showcase.

Ah. Oh no. That wasn't, uh...

I thought you meant in your portfolio
but... Still, those are great references.

- John Wick... Pack!
- [both chuckle]

- I uh... love that.
- Thanks. Yeah.

Wait, I can't let you
do all this by yourself. I'll help.

Non, stop. Please, c'est bon.

- Let me...
- No, it's better if I do it. I can manage.

- Okay, then I... I'll put this there.
- Okay.

So, uh, no hard feelings
about yesterday? For, uh...

- Yes. Really. No stress.
- Okay.

Promise, I swear, spit.

- Okay. [spits]
- Okay? Oh.

There. [chuckles nervously]

[Magalie] Let's go!

All right, places, everyone.
Let's do this. Quiet on the set!

Okay. Let's roll camera, please.

- All right.
- [man] Rolling.

Okay. It's good!

[Magalie] We have sound speed.
Raph, whenever you're ready.

Okay. Ready, everyone? And...

Action!

What she said...

[sad violin solo]

Oh.

- Huh?
- [Tatiana] Hey, uh, what's doing that?

I have some interference! Wait!

[engine revving]

Abort!

Abort!

[violin solo overtakes set sounds]

[British man] What a fiasco.

[rap song playing]

♪ Get up on the scene
Let 'em play the reel ♪

♪ Take the money sh*t
Make a face to pay the bills ♪

♪ Pilot
All private jets on an island ♪

- ♪ I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- ♪ It's a fiasco! ♪

♪ If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪

♪ They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models and weapons ♪

♪ Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪

♪ They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪

♪ It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪

♪ A fiasco! ♪

♪ Baby, who can blame them ♪

♪ It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪

♪ I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪

♪ I'll put that hammer to your mirror
Watch it cr*ck ♪

♪ See if the man in it won't break up ♪

♪ Snatch you at your interview ♪

♪ Make you swallow the mic
And the camera ♪

♪ Now you got that inner view ♪

♪ No need to front
If you don't want trouble ♪

♪ I'll bust your fun bubble
Slap you and your stunt double ♪

♪ Grab your manager and slap him too
See what a clap can do ♪

♪ To prove that I will literally
sh**t anybody just to laugh at you ♪

- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.