01x11 - And the Winner Is m*rder

[bunniefuu]

And the final stop
on our little private tour

is an exhibit devoted to
Grimsburg's biggest industry...

m*rder.
[thunder booming]

Jeff the Ripper,
the Deathguard,

Killex, featuring DJ Khaled.

Notice a pattern here?
They're all men.

And yet women make up
half of our population.

Look, if you're trying
to m*rder my sausage

on this date, it's working.

Ooh! An empty one!
I'm going in.

Look at me!
Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh!

[cackles]

- Whose exhibit is this?
- It's mine.

How can it be yours
if I'm the one inside the box

that's rapidly filling up with gas?

Because I'm a k*ller, and I'm
k*lling you to make the point

that women...
You know what? Forget it.

If you think this is
gonna get me to go out

with you again, I just might.

[dramatic music]

#

[glass shatters]

[birds chirping]

Look, Harm,
I appreciate you letting me

move into the basement
after I abandoned the family

to pursue my talent for alcoholism.

But how can I fix
things with you and Stan

if I'm not welcome upstairs?

I would do anything
to change your mind.

And when I say anything,
I mean most things. Mmm.

Stan, to your room!

[kissing]

I gave you two simple rules
when you moved back in.

One, stay in the basement,

and two,
no Vin Diesel movie nights.

OK, fan club's over!

It's not a fan club.
It's a family.

ALL: Family.

- Out.
- Look, I need to be allowed upstairs.

- That's where my family is.
- Family.

And the good bathroom
with the magazines

I'd never buy myself but whose
advice I've come to rely on.

I'm doing this for Stan.
He doesn't need a father

who runs off every time he
can't cr*ck a case or has a bad

- experience at a four-way stop.
- But I've changed.

Now I just close my eyes
and floor it.

You say you've changed,
but you never change.

So you're not coming
upstairs until you can change

that and prove you've
actually changed for a change.

Now, I got to go change.

The "Grimsburg's Got Talent
Talent Show" is coming up,

and I'm competing to be a judge.

- Family.
- Wow, how do you clog a bucket?

[bell rings]

Think fast!

OK, not a sports kid.

- Finished my art project, Mr. Flesh.
- Ha-ha!

Look who made a picture frame
for his divorced parents

- to remind them of the good ol' days.
- I thought it might help.

When you gonna get it through
your thick skull, Stan, huh?

You can't fix them!

[woman over PA] Tyge Hilden,
your parents are here to give

you a hug, just because.

You got lucky today, Stan.
Almost as lucky as I did

being born to parents who
make love seem uncomplicated.

I said almost.
[laughter]

Let's rip out their spines

and slurp 'em like spaghetti,
"Lady and the Tramp"-style!

Or we could prove
them wrong by getting

- my parents back together.
- Fine. But now, we've got

to get some chow, because
now I'm craving pasta.

Or dogs.

The victim is Hort Jomes, won
the talent show two years ago.

He swallowed three swords
and his trophy.

Turns out it was more of
a compulsion than a talent.

- I miss swallowing.
- This talent show again?

It's like that's all anyone
can talk or m*rder about.

Time to see what my Crime Mind
is recommending for us...

[echoing] recommending for us,
recommending for us...

[remote control clicking]

[screen chimes]

[eerie electronic music]

# #

If we figure out the motive,
we can catch the k*ller.

Oh! Do these bikes have
any suspension?

The killerth diorama wath
in the thenter of the room

to get our atthenshun.

So the k*ller feels they're
not being recognized, and...

[in high-pitched voice] Ah, yep!
That ball is inside me now.

And what better way to express
your displeasure with how society

- recognizes talent than by...
- k*lling talent show...

[in normal voice] Winners.
It dropped. Thanks.

Ugh, I miss the '80s.

Enjoy Michael Jackson
while you can,

but don't hang out with him.
Well, you could.

[screams]

Wynona, seen any other
talent show winners

in the morgue recently?

[sniffing]

Actually, the winners
from three, four, five,

six, and seven years
ago also d*ed this week.

Maybe I should have
mentioned that earlier.

OK, here's the plan.

He's coming for last
year's winner next,

and when that no-talent
psychopath shows up,

- we'll be there.
- Case closed.

- Nice work, Wynona.
- What? No, it's... ugh.

Heard you moved back home.
How's it going with Harm?

Until I can prove I've changed,
I'm trapped in the basement.

But how's she gonna know I
changed if she never sees me?

I'm trapped
in a basement all day.

But I'm surrounded by corpses,
so it's not as bad.

Well, then you need to see
Harmony outside the house to prove

- to her you've changed.
- Good idea, Kang.

You're like a walking
toilet magazine.

[laughs] Oh, you always
give the best advice.

Well, I give good advice too.

- Flute, your pants are too tight.
- I won't apologize for having drip.

[horn fanfare]

Welcome to the annual
"Grimsburg's Got Talent"

Talent Competition
Judging Competition,

a contest to pick the judges
to judge the contest.

I know. It is confusing.

But the rules
are the rules, my friends,

and they were written
by a nine-year-old

who won another contest
to write those rules.

- That's Grimsburg, baby!
- What are you doing here?

I figured maybe this dumb, stupid talent

show isn't so stupid, dumb after all.

I guess you could say I've chan...

[cannon booms]
[dramatic percussive music]

This event makes sense.

A judge needs to be physically
fit so we're racing.

- [growls]
- And you are running,

but like a bear, because you
were raised by bears!

[growls]

Oh, I get it! A good judge
must make lightning-quick

decisions while balancing
between being a Simon Cowell

and whatever pop diva is trying
to land a Vegas residency.

- Pogo-sticking...
- [growls]

[loud explosions]

...through the old minefield?

All right, well,
this is just a Squid Game.

And it looks like
we have our three judges.

As always, Harmony Flute,
town dry-cleaner Skid Marcus,

and Marvin Flute!

OK, back to "Fortnite."

Oh, it's gonna be so fun
judging together.

Fun?
Everywhere you go, crime follows.

Uh, you say that
like it's not super cool.

You turned our son's birth
into a sting operation.

How do you think I feel?

You turned my sting operation
into Stan's birth.

Besides, that was the old me.
I can turn it off.

[snaps]
There. It's off.

Mm-hmm, then what are
you doing right now?

Uh, not crime stuff.
Have a nice day, Squiggles.

You'll see I've changed.

I'm not gonna let
work interfere at all

with the two of us judging.
[clown laughs]

Hey! That clown is k*lling
everyone he sees!

[crowd screaming]

People are literally
screaming with excitement

about us judging together.

[jazzy music]

# #

Commencing Operation
Undercover Talent

Show Winner Stakeout, over.

Handsome Falcon
is on the beach, over.

- We did not agree to code names.
- You're breaking up there, Wet Blanket.

How's our insurance
agent doing?

- Any sign of the k*ller, Jake?
- Hard to say.

I've been busy trying to bundle
someone's home and auto plans.

Hey, Flute, aren't you
supposed to be getting

- ready for the talent show?
- It's fine.

I'll catch the k*ller, wrap
this up, be over there in

plenty of time to give a young
performer a reality check.

Made out to "you suck" in
the amount of "never gonna

make it" dollars and 42 cents
from the Bank of Failure.

Memo line, "give up."

- Routing number...
- Flute! Got something for you.

Back when my dead wife
was my alive wife,

she hated the job too.
So I started taking DetectOff.

One pill shuts off detective
brain for up to 12 hours.

Flute, are you happy with
your life insurance policy?

Because someone's
behind you with a Kn*fe!

[dramatic music]

Freeze!

Ah, damn.

# #

You're under arrest.

Ma'am? My apologies, we
clearly made a mistake here.

On your way, milady.

- Thanks, m'turd.
- What?

- No! She had a Kn*fe!
- K, you see where that Kn*fe went?

Aw, man, I just bought
this parka six years ago.

Now to try some of that sensitivity
training I slept through.

You rarely hear about women
in the serial k*ller game.

I mean, uh,
not that you can't k*ll,

because you can... and did,
very well, I might add.

Everyone you k*lled
is quite dead, so good on you.

Equality. Suffrage.

You know, your body.
Rachel Maddow.

- I'm an ally.
- Gee. Thanks.

While there have been plenty
of female serial K*llers,

there wasn't one in that exhibit.
Well, I'm out to change that.

Hey, I'm all for shattering
traditional female stereotypes.

For starters, can we turn the AC off?
Because I'm freezing.

[phone chimes]
Oh, hey, Harm.

Of course you're late.
I knew you'd never change.

No, I am not late.
I'm gonna be there in...

I made it in four minutes,
barely broke any laws to do it.

- Marvin? Who's that?
- Oh, this is Anna, friend from not work.

The restraints are for
her own protection.

- She's super clumsy.
- Augh, this is bad.

We can't find our third judge,
Skid Marcus.

Maybe your friend here
could fill in?

- No, I don't think she should.
- Why?

Too many women
in power for you, Flute?

What? Me?
No, I love women in power.

I voted for Hilary... Swank...
in my Oscar pool.

- Let's have Anna judge.
- Wonderful.

If someone could
help me out of this?

Oh, look, I did it myself.

[eerie music]

# #

[upbeat dance music]

[announcer] And now,
your Mastermind of Ceremonies,

Grimsburg Middle's
top teacher by way of Grimsburg

Prison's most ill-conceived
work-release program,

Dr. Rufis Pentos.

What a night.
I can feel the buzz in the air.

Wait!
That's my ankle bracelet.

[laughter]

Let's meet our
unacceptably all white judges.

Hashtag, do better.

I'm Harmony Flute,
and I know talent can come from

anywhere...
even the humble cave,

where I grew up
with a rock as my pillow

and bears as my parents.

Thank you for your sympathy
and your upcoming

applause for my bravery.
[applause]

Oh!
[laughs]

I'm Anna,
and I hope the winner has

a talent that's... to die for.

Also, I'm a sucker for tap dancing.

What? Oh. Uh, hi!
I'm Detective Marvin Flute,

and I'll be collecting evidence
of who is the most talented.

But not the usual evidence like
carpet fibers, blood samples,

gunpowder residue, or...
oh, semen.

So much!

Honestly, the first time
you walk into a crime scene

covered in it, you think,
"Well, that happened."

And then, by the 20th time,
you're like,

"What is wrong with people?"

And then by the 50th time,
you're like,

"What is wrong with me?"

Let's get things started
with our first act,

Eddie the telepathic donkey,
who will convince one of you

in the audience
to steal the Popemobile.

[donkey brays]

I thought you said you could
turn off the detective stuff.

God, I should have known.
You're just like James Corden.

You ruin everything you touch.

[donkey braying]

Yes, Eddie.
I obey.

What are we waiting
in this line for?

- I'm going to sing a song.
- [laughs] You? Singing a song?

Not "a song."
My parents' favorite song.

When it came on,
no matter how mad they were,

everything changed.

They'd send me to my room,
and then I'd hear them

move furniture around.

Dad would get tired,
but Mom would say,

"Don't stop. Don't stop."

And then once they rearrange it,
she'd ask if that's how he liked it.

And he'd say,
"I love that, mistress."

Obviously, he meant "mattress."
And then...

Stangello, you can't do this.
The Stable Boys will tear you apart.

Not if I tear my parents
back together first.

[upbeat music]

# #

[applause]

I'm not a big fan of coyotes,
but I'm giving you

a "hibern-eight" out of "den!"

[laughs] Raised by bears.

Dancing is the lowest
discipline of the arts.

It's basically
a weird way of walking,

except you don't go anywhere,
and your arms get tired.

But guess what.

I love your song choice,
I love your costumes,

and I love that your love
is illegal in most states.

It's a nine.
[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

# #

[laughter]

#

[laughing]

[both screaming]

[cheers and applause]

That performance was
hot, hot, hot!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

One day, that'll be my family.

Yeah, sure,
we get some zip ties and gags,

and they're all yours!

#

[grunting]

# #

I give it a "roller sk-nine!"

And our final performance
tonight is...

Stan Flute?

[audience gasps]

I think we found our loser.

Is this on?
It is. Good.

I didn't want
to have to repeat that.

You sure you don't
want to wear a mask?

It might go better if they
think you're Rudy Giuliani.

[microphone feedback]

♪ There's always
that one person that ♪

Oh, God, he's gonna
live with me until he's 30.

This is why I kept
saying we should have those

spinny chairs from
"The Voice" and an open bar.

♪ I did from the start ♪

♪ Know that you're
that one for me ♪

♪ It's clear for
everyone to see, baby ♪

[audience booing]

♪ You will always be my boo ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Now I don't know about
y'all, but I know about us ♪

♪ And it's the only way
we know how to ride ♪

♪ My boo ♪

♪ I know we haven't
seen each other in a while ♪

BOTH:
# But you will always be my boo #

[cheers and applause]

This year's
talent show winner is...

[dramatic music]

Stan Flute!

I got to say, you didn't ruin
this with your detective stuff

like you normally do.
Maybe you have changed.

Looks like it might be time
for someone to get

upstairs pooping privileges.

Have either of you two
no-longer-in-love-birds

seen Anna or Stan?

And look at this.

[mysterious music]

Oh, I think
we might have a problem.

- I want a divorce!
- Wait!

- We can still be a stable family!
- Save it, hack!

You had a chance to keep
this family together,

and it was on stage!

- Uh, uh...
- [sighs]

So you brought a k*ller whose
MO is she kills talent show

winners to the talent show,
which our son won,

and now she's kidnapped him.
Congrats.

You're the grand marshall
of the Dumb-Dumb parade.

- Ooh, thanks. Do I get a sash?
- Just do your Crime Mind thing

so we can wrap up
this little Flute-scapade.

Uh, right. I'm on it.

[machine beeping, trilling]

Uh, the Crime Mind
is kind of offline.

Oh, of course it is.
Wait, look!

The ground is sinking in similarly
sized and spaced intervals.

- Neat! I'm gonna pee in them.
- Those are footprints, you idiot.

- What's wrong with you?
- Right, right.

They must be Anna and Stan's.

OK, so here's what we're
gonna do... pee in them.

You pee in the big ones,
I'll go to the small.

- No, we should follow them.
- Yes! Right.

- Follow... what, exactly?
- The footprints!

Right.
And we just pee wherever.

[she sighs]

[eerie music]

#

Just wait here,
Mr. Talent Show winner.

I need to pick up some knives
for the, uh, awards ceremony.

- Come to apologize?
- Apologize?

No, I came to tell you
that lady's got more screws

loose than that steering
column I loosened all

the screws on to get you
out of that field trip.

- Now, let's get out of here.
- You just can't stand when I succeed.

My parents are almost
back together.

My plan is working, and
nobody had to get hurt or

lose their class B commercial
bus driver's license.

Who were you talking to?

Just a big old bag of nobody.

[eerie music]

[bird caws]

The footprints stop here.

[sniffs]
[growls]

#

- Hmm.
- Flute! Skid Marcus is in here!

Finally!
I've been here for days.

- I know exactly where Anna is.
- Clam it, dirtbag!

What the hell?
Why would you do that?

I don't know. I thought I
could change, but I couldn't.

So I took some DetectOff
to make you think I did.

I needed dr*gs,
because you're right about me.

I'm a one-trick pony,
just like that donkey

that did that one trick.

Wait, what's the difference
between a pony and a donkey?

- Is one gay?
- So you took the dr*gs for me?

That's so... sweet.

The old you
only took dr*gs for you,

which means maybe you've changed.

Yes! I told you!
In your face! Sorry!

The competitive part
of me still needs

a little bit of work.
You loser!

[chuckles]
Sorry, again.

[gasps]

I know where she went.

I solved it, even on DetectOff!
Ha!

Your mom could go suck a butt!
I'm so sorry.

[suspenseful music]

While I'm sorry you have to die,

if I can inspire just one girl
to believe she can k*ll

as good as a man,
your horrifying death

will be worth it.

- Did you come here to gloat?
- I have a better idea.

If we're gonna go down,
we're gonna go down together,

like Bonnie and Clyde,
or Thelma and Louise,

or Thelma and Louise
in that deleted scene.

- Mr. Flesh?
- Yes, Stan and Deliver?

I should have listened to you.

I know all my therapists
say you're pretend,

but you're the only real friend
I've ever had.

- Are you crying?
- Oh, what? No.

[chuckles]
Come on, crying is for babies

and YouTube videos of soldiers
coming home to their dogs.

[sobbing]
Their sweet, sweet dogs.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for too long

Grimsburg has
refused to recognize

the strides women have
made in the art of death...

sociopaths like Cyanide Cindy,
the Lawnmower Ma'am,

Jeffrey Dahm-her,
Princess Die...

that's D-I-E...
they all had to endure having

their grisly work overlooked.
Tonight that ends.

[bell dings]

[dramatic music]

Family!
I mean, freeze!

You may have found me,
but you can't stop me

- from k*lling the winner.
- Maybe not. But you should know,

Stan's not the winner.

- What?
- [gasps]

[all gasp]

- The talent show
rule book clearly states

that contestants may not
be related to any judge

due to a conflict of interest.

Therefore, our son,
Stan, is disqualified.

But there is a winner.
You.

After everything you did
to get here,

you are truly
Grimsburg's most talented.

- We see you.
- I did it! I'm the talent show winner!

But I k*ll talent show winners.
All of them.

[Kn*fe clangs]

But we appreciate the
strides you've made for women.

Thank God!
I don't want to die any...

[screams]

- Family.
- Seriously? Gas money?

You only drove us three blocks.

[engine turning over]
[engine revving]

Whoa, that flying car
just landed on a plane,

and it landed on a cloud,
and the cloud is a rocket!

You know what? That's still
more realistic than "Furious 7."

Hell of a voice, child boy.

You know, I used to sing
myself before I realized

it was illegal for
detectives to be artistic.

Wow.
Should we all have

- some ice cream at home?
- That would be great.

Maybe you could leave a bowl at
the top of the stairs for me.

From now on,
you can come upstairs.

[glasses clanking]

What do you mean there's
a split plate charge?

Uh, we should go.

[donkey braying]

Hey, wait!

[screaming]

Seeing it now, he
definitely should have won.