01x03 - Love It or Leave It

[bunniefuu]

[FILM PROJECTOR ROLLING]

["I WANT'A DO SOMETHING FREAKY
TO YOU" BY LEON HAYWOOD PLAYING]

[MUSIC SOFTENS]

- [ENGINE STOPS]
- [MUSIC STOPS]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[DOG BARKING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

What is it?

I just wanted to make sure.

'Bout what?

About Dumpling.

[DOOR OPENS]

[MADAME SPEAKING VIETNAMESE] What
brings you here, this late at night?

I'm so sorry...

Why would you bother coming
all the way here just for this?

Do as you see fit.

You know... what is to be done.

Let's go back to sleep.

["I WANT'A DO SOMETHING
FREAKY TO YOU" CONTINUES]

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ I want'a do something... ♪

[GENERAL SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
He stinks of booze.

♪ Right now ♪

And? Had you been drinking?

Huh?

Comrade Commandant!
How could you even ask?

All right, all right.

So what happened next?

Um...

When I shared with Bon
the General's evasive words,

my friend just laughed in my face...

"That's the General! Whatta you want?"

"He never tells you what to do..."

"... but you better do it,
or he'll do you".

Comrade Commandant,

the instigator is at it again!

[DEEP SIGH]

This damned camp
can't function without me...

Wait. I'll be back shortly.

Get him a pen and more paper.

[OUTSIDE CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
Look, in these situations,

you have three options:

Which does the General want?

A public execution,
an unfortunate accident,

or a mysterious disappearance?

A public execution disguised as
an unfortunate accident, obviously.

In that case, it should be
an armed robbery.

I'll make it look like that.

No, this is my job.
The General asked me to do it.

You don't have any experience.

And you do?

We're talking about a targeted
assassination here.

It's not like parachuting down
blasting a sub-machine g*n.

The thing is...

I wasn't exactly just
a regular paratrooper.

[CAR HONKING]

What?

I guess you heard of it,
the F-6 program?

What?

[SIGHS]

Sorry,

I never told you. Or Man.

F-6 was a top-secret program,

you know what that means.

[MYSTERIOUS, TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTAIN: The F-6, the Grim Reaper.

It was horrifying
to learn that my friend

was a trained assassin who had
k*lled dozens of our comrades.

But honestly, it was also a relief.

I wasn't the only one who'd
been lying all these years.

And I could use his expertise.

- [ENGINE STOPS]
- [SIREN WAILING]

♪ ♪

PASSERBY: Wait, I can help with that.

[BON SPEAKING VIETNAMESE] Look.

It's time for his candy.

There, look at that...
Same thing every single day.

It's been the same pattern
for the past week.

♪ ♪

You know what?

You've gotten really talkative lately.

What's up with you?

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE, CHATTER]

Say something?

You just said I'm too talkative.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

Noon.

Like clockwork.

That's right, they just had twins.

Twin boys? Or a boy and a girl?

I don't know.

f*ck!

What's wrong with you?

Just... why'd she have to bring
the f*cking babies...

I mean, the f*ckin' stroller!

I didn't want to see them.

You were always going to see
them. At the longevity party.

- Longevity party?
- ♪
♪

Aw, f*ck, don't tell me... ?

We're invited.

He dropped them off at the liquor store.

Dumpling's so proud his mom's
turning eighty...

He said:

The way things are going,

I bet she'll outlive me.

[CAPTAIN SIGHS]

I wonder how Man's doing?

If he didn't make it out,

he's probably being f*cking
tortured as we speak,

in some prison called
a reeducation camp.

f*ck it.

Bon, no!

♪ ♪

Bon, stop! What if someone sees us?

Quiet street, easy exit to the freeway.

This neighborhood's a hotspot anyway...

So if we take his wallet,

the police will think it's
a robbery gone wrong.

Are you crazy? You wanna do it
here? Where his family lives?

Look...

This is the k*ll zone.

Between the car, the wall and
the canal, we'll have him cornered.

One sh*t, either behind the ear
or the forehead,

depending on which way he turns.

Either way, it's gonna be messy.

You ever seen brain splatter?

Yeah, of course, one of my favorites.

You know what I hate?

When it gets in your mouth.

It's all chunky and black,
with these little flecks

of congealed blood in it...

I'm afraid my son's left for work.

And my daughter-in-law has taken
the twins out for a stroll.

[IN FRENCH] So it's just me at home.

[IN FRENCH] Alone. As usual.

I see.

Well, we'll come back
some other time then.

You've come all this way
and you're just going to leave?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Weren't you just on your way
out yourself, auntie?

Uh...

Oh, no...

No...

["MUA RUNG" BY HUYNH ANH
PLAYING IN APARTMENT]

Yeah.

It seems the Major has developed
quite the sweet tooth.

Oh, no. Those are for distribution.

He wants to get rich.

Like a real American.

Ah, look at me! I'm
being a terrible host.

♪ ♪

We can't do it in the car port.

Not with his mother always here.

See... this is exactly what
I was worried about with you.

She'll hear everything.

But to her, it'll sound like
a car door slamming!

Keep it down. Her hearing seems fine.

My god, she's ancient!

Can we go now, please?

[CRAPULENT MAJOR'S MOTHER]
No, no, you must stay.

I have a very special treat for you...

I even have to hide it from my son!

[IN FRENCH] "Paille d'OR"
biscuits with raspberry.

♪ ♪

Now what were you saying
you don't like to eat?

Just now? Outside?

- I'm sorry?
- Something chunky...

And black...

with congealed blood in it?

We're putting together the menu
for my party on Saturday.

Black pudding. Uh...

Bon has an aversion to "black pudding".

Black pudding?

A blood pudding.

Very similar to our Ti ết Canh.

Ah, don't worry!

It's a longevity party; We'd never
serve anything like "black pudding".

Now tell me, Captain:

Why haven't you found
yourself a wife yet?

You're so handsome. So smart.

You know why.

Oh, that?

Nonsense!

This is America!

They say in this country,
no one cares if you're a bastard.

Now promise me you'll bring
a date to the party!

♪ ♪

[CAPTAIN CHUCKLES]

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

And what brings you here
out of the blue?

I just thought I'd drop by.

'Kay. We might, uh, need
to add another ground rule.

No surprise visits.

You look nice.

["STILL A PART OF ME" BY
THE MINITS PLAYING IN CAR]

You're not too shabby yourself

for someone just "dropping by".

Have you ever been
to a longevity celebration?

No.

But did I maybe see one
on an episode of "Star Trek"?

♪ ♪

You want me to go with you?

If I do say yes...

how will you introduce
me to other guests?

Uh...

Why do I feel that, however
I answer, I'm doomed?

[CHUCKLES] This isn't a trap.

Come on, baby, relax. You're
far too tense sometimes.

True, I agree, but [CHUCKLES]

does that mean you're coming with me?

Call you tonight.

[SIGHS] Heartbreaking.

[DOG BARKING]

- Are you...
- [SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

are you following me?

No, no. This is pure coincidence.

Hence my astonished expression.

[BARKING]

I didn't know you had a dog.

CLAUDE: Oh, this thing.
Yeah, it's a good prop.

Nobody pays much mind to a
h*m* walking his foofoo dog.

- Are you a h*m*?
- [DOG BARKING]

I'm whoever I need to be.

Just like you.

♪ ♪

Is he CIA-issued?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, let's just say he's
susceptible to suspicion.

Speaking of which, uh, any leads
on the General's suspicions?

Uh, did your man in Saigon

turn up anything worth looking into?

Quell the General's anxieties, stat.

Tell you why. Because we need him.

But now he's just an
impotent clown, isn't he?

Yeah, but he's still the king.

A clown with a crown.

So, stop your waffling, get out there,

and get me some g*dd*mn proof.

It would also serve you well.

Remember, you're the one who brought up

this candy business in the first place.

Unwrap a few treats for
the General to suck on.

[DOG BARKING]

Proof?

We could just call the Major
into the "Yellow Flag",

rough him up a little.

But what are we gonna do
if he flat-out denies it?

Keep in mind, this is America.

If only we were still in Vietnam

where you could t*rture
civilians with impunity, right?

♪ ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [BIRDS CHIRPING]

Am I really supposed
to pick that up now?

Well, a civic-minded h*m* would.

Christ. You're right.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
don't eat it now. Christ.

[DOG BARKING]

Look, what if I can't turn up any proof?

CLAUDE: Well, then you move
on to the next guy...

and the next guy, and the next
guy, and the next after that

until you figure somethin' out.

And one more thing.

Can you do somethin' with this?

- [DOG BARKING]
- Let's go.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTAIN: Ignoring the fact that patience

is the spy's number one virtue,

I decided to ask Man one last time.

The Major was an innocent man,

or as innocent as anyone in that army.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[STREET CHATTER]

♪ ♪

And still no directive
from Man on whether or not

I should k*ll the Major.

I started to wonder
if it was a silent "no"...

or a silent "yes".

[SIREN WAILING]

Why is he still here?

[AMBIENT STREET NOISE]

Urgh, I'm starving.

See, I told you. It's not so simple.

We need to track his routine for...

A month...

Now, who's this fucker?

[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

A dude with a toothpick...
Always spells trouble.

CAPTAIN: Ah, f*ck it.

Hey, hey.

Major?

It's not what it looks like.

What does it look like?

He's my business partner, okay?

What kind of business?

Oh, well, uh... the thing is...

Alright, I'll level with you.

I have a small export business
going on the side.

You mean that?

Expired candy.

I collect it and sell it
at discounted prices.

Look, I'm just trying to bolster
the black market in Saigon,

which also destabilizes
the commie regime's economy...

Saigon?

So Major, you're saying...

That you're hawking rotten American
candy back to our own people?

They're not rotten!

I mean, sure, they're past
their best-by date,

but that doesn't mean they're rotten!

Just like my mom...

Still fresh!

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Please don't tell the General.

He wouldn't understand.

- Oh, I think he might...
- No. Please.

It's a new world here.

You can go anywhere,
climb to any heights,

as long as you make money first.

And in America, we don't have to stay

just a chink and a bastard.

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

And if you fully commit to this land...

you become fully American.

But if you don't...

you're just a wandering ghost

living between two worlds,

forever.

♪ ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

Sound wisdom.

"Embraced in the arms of
the man I was meant to k*ll,

I suddenly thought about his mother".

[COMMANDANT SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
How far did you get?

"Embraced in the arms of the man
I was meant to k*ll..."

"... I suddenly thought
about his mother".

[COMMANDANT CLICKS TONGUE]

[SIGHS]

- [VIETNAMESE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GUESTS CHATTERING]

Are you sure you guys are refugees?

You know Asian families.

[VOCALIST SINGING]

I wonder how he scraped
up enough for all this.

♪ ♪

- Ms. Mori?
- Thank you.

One moment, I'll be right back.

♪ ♪

[VOCALIST SINGING]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

Betrayal.

By whom?

Isn't it obvious?

The Major?

[VOCALIST SINGING]

GENERAL: How dare
she humiliate her father

in front of all our people?

And how dare the Major permit her
to whore herself out on stage?

I wouldn't be suffering this humiliation

if you had just done
your f*cking job already.

I thought I should be generous

and let him celebrate his mother's 80th.

"Generous"?

You think you're in a position

to grant such generosity?

CRAPULENT MAJOR: Wow. Thank
you. Thank you. Wow.

Okay, um, could everyone please, uh,

find their assigned seats?

Oh, um...

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have prepared a very special
gift for my mother.

Oh mother...

When I touch my belly button...

I remember you and I...

Were tied together by a familial cord.

- Lana.
- Not the schoolgirl you once knew, hm?

Well, uh, congrats.

Looks like today's also your graduation

from living as, uh,
"someone's daughter".

And you?

You graduated from
"someone's aide-de-camp"?

- [CHUCKLES]
- I hope so.

SOFIA MORI: You have a wonderful voice.

Thank you.

Uh, this is the General's daughter.

I mean, Lana, and, uh, this is my boss.

I mean, my girlfriend, Ms. Mori.

Sofia.

Come on, let's have a drink.

It's a party, isn't it?

I'll come with you. What are you having?

- Margarita?
- Uh, sure, if you can find one.

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

- Sonny.
- Sofia.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [LAUGHTER]

[CRAPULENT MAJOR SPEAKING]
You are my home, and my heart...

Wherever I have been...

You have been with me.

Thank you, my son.

A longevity party wouldn't be complete

without the words of a special guest.

A Green Beret who served
alongside us for four years

and who still fights
for our people today

in the halls of the U.S. Congress.

Please welcome our friend,
Congressman Ned Godwin!

[GUESTS CHEERING]

Holy sh*t. Napalm Ned himself.

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you, Major.

[SOFTLY] Did I interrupt
your introduction?

I apologize.

Just take a look at the card there.

Oh. Uh, welcome, Congressman.

Your commitment to our people

is as clear as the scars on your hand.

Whoa. This old thing?

These wounds are nothing
compared to the scars

inflicted on your homeland.

It is a true honor to be here
with you today to celebrate

the longevity of this
wonderful Vietnamese lady.

And please accept this gift
as a symbol of the fellowship

- between our two countries.
- [GUESTS MURMURING]

You know, when I was
fighting the Viet Cong,

this handcrafted American blade

was the best ally I had.

It saved my lily-white
ass more than once.

It's bad luck to gift
a Vietnamese person a Kn*fe.

They sever relationships.

- What a dickwad.
- [CAMERA CLICKS]

CONGRESSMAN NED GODWIN: This is
a, this is a gift. Hold this right here.

You know, looking out
at your proud faces today,

it reminds me of something
dear to my heart.

The great promise of America.

The promise of the American Dream.

The promise that America

is the land of freedom and independence,

land of heroes who will not relent

in the cause of helping our
friends and smiting our foes.

One day, America will stand tall again,

and it will do so because of
courageous immigrants like you.

And on that day, in gratitude,
America will hear your plea.

America will offer its assistance.

And on that day, General Trong,

who fought bravely at my side
in the Northern Highlands.

Listen well, the land you have
lost will once again be yours.

[BABY CRYING]

[SPEAKING VIETNAMESE] Long live Vietnam!

- [ALL CHANTING "LONG LIVE VIETNAM!"]
- Communism never wins.

Capitalism will triumph.

Long live Vietnam!

- [CHANTING]
- [CAMERA CLICKING]

[BAND PLAYING SOUTH VIETNAMESE ANTHEM]

[EXCLAIMS]

[CHANTING]

- NED: America! Vietnam! America! Vietnam!
- [VOCALIST SINGING]

♪ ♪

[SONG STOPS]

Machine gunnist, hey. Cheers.

Inspiring words, Ned.

Well, they have the added
benefit of being true.

And the generous gift
of your personal Kn*fe.

Oh, no, no, no, that's just
a, a... It's a good replica.

[GENERAL, NED CHUCKLE]

Congressman,

this is the young man
I was telling you about.

He's my Chief of Communications.

As you can see, he is of mixed race.

Oh, yeah.

Everyone please go up and take a photo!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Don't worry about it.

[FUSSING]

CRAPULENT MAJOR: Let me
introduce my twins.

Spinach, because of that
American "Popeye" cartoon.

Popeye eats spinach
and become all-powerful.

- Uh-huh.
- And then, Broccoli just come naturally.

Strength and health!

- [BABIES FUSSING]
- This country isn't for the weak.

[GUESTS LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

Your business, let me in.

CRAPULENT MAJOR'S WIFE:
They are cute, right?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Go to the second row.

Why?

You think you're getting photographed

in the first row with that mini-skirt?

The whole world would see
your legs! Now hurry!

[SCOFFS]

You know what was funny
about the speech back there?

I have a feeling you're
about to tell me.

Mm. Freedom and independence, democracy.

That's similar to the slogan
the Communist Party uses.

A slogan is an empty suit.

Anyone can wear it.

Hey, I like that. Mind if I use it?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Your friend, he's interesting.

He seems proud to flirt
with the graffiti underground.

- He's not my friend.
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, everybody here?

Are we all here?

Hold it!

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

[LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Can someone turn that mirror ball off?

[CRAPULENT MAJOR SPEAKING]
Stay healthy, mother!

Many people love you!

Son, my hearing is still good!

[LAUGHTER]

Twins! Smile!

They were born here.

In English, speak in English.

Spinach, Broccoli. Cheese!

- PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile.
- GUESTS: Cheese!

[CAMERA CLICKS]

CRAPULENT MAJOR: The Americans
showered our people

with the American candy.

They got us hooked on the stuff.

CAPTAIN: So, you box up
the expired candy,

and then that guy ships them to... ?

Hong Kong. And our guy in Kowloon

disguises the packages

as the North Korean-donated
school supplies.

- Right.
- Then, he ships them on to Saigon.

No one is going to touch
the donated school supplies

from a fellow socialist ally.

Oh, you should put one of
these on your bumper, too.

- Thanks.
- Hey.

Look at us! A pair of real Americans!

- [CHUCKLES]
- And next weekend, we are gonna celebrate

our first Independence Day in America.

I heard it's a real party.

And this year, even bigger because

it's one year before the Bicentennial.

There will be no sky, just fireworks!

- [SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- Fireworks.

A Chinese invention, of course.

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

[LIGHT, TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

[BON SPEAKING VIETNAMESE]
The fireworks may be loud...

But better safe than sorry.

Oh, yeah...

Are you an idiot?

Why would you wear those shoes?

For f*ck's... I'm a novice!

Yeah, but even so you should know that

no one wears dress shoes
with a sweatshirt.

Everything begins with common sense.

Just think about it.

Where are you going
to stop the Dumpling?

Well, I guess...

Right before he gets to the front door?

He'll be relaxed thinking he's home.

If you show your g*n there,

he'll just make a run for the door.
Do you see that?

Make sure to lead him to the space

between the car and the wall
before you sh**t him.

I know, I know.

Then what's next? Tell me.

Get him to turn around. No...

Make sure he doesn't turn around...

No, get him to turn around.

You will never be able to pull
the trigger if you see his face!

Did you pick that on purpose?

I thought it might put him at ease.

Why?

Too ironic?

[SIGHS]

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

[SIGHS]

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Major.

Hey!

Ahh, that funky smell.

[SNIFFS] Thank you.

Is it Halloween or something,

like, wearing costume
and handing out treats?

You look like you're full white now!

♪ ♪

That way.

♪ ♪

CRAPULENT MAJOR: Has my business
made the General angry?

♪ ♪

Tell him I'll cut him in. 50/50.

I told you not to turn around.

When?



The remaining 10 goes to you.

- Turn around.
- You said don't turn around.

♪ ♪

Just do what I say, for f*ck's sake!

You're not the sort to sh**t a man
while you can still see his eyes.

Especially, if that man is the one
who extended his hand...

From a plane... And
pulled you to freedom.

♪ ♪

[FIREWORKS BOOMING]

- [FIREWORKS STOP]
- [MUSIC STOPS]

[DOG BARKING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Fireworks are over.

- [GRUNTS]
- [g*nsh*t]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

- [AMBIENT STREET NOISE]
- [GROANING]

[YELLS]

♪ ♪

[GROANING]

[VEHICLE PASSES]

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

Move, Bon! Let me take care of it!

♪ ♪

[GROANING]

Come on, Bon! Move!

Shut up, you idiot! Stop using my name!

♪ ♪

[FIRECRACKER SIZZLING]

Please don't.

- [CRACKLING]
- [g*nshots]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[RINGBACK TONE]

[TV PLAYING]

GENERAL [OVER PHONE]: Hello?

It's done.

GENERAL: Good.

Can you write a eulogy for me?

Uh, sir?

GENERAL: They'll be holding
a funeral soon,

and I have a feeling

that they'll ask me to give a eulogy.

I mean, who else?

- Try it.
- [SIGHS]

Just like the good old days.

- Good night.
- [HANGS UP]

[DIAL TONE]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Why, of all things...

Did you have to pick that
stinking durian as a gift?

You smell like sh*t. You should
wash your hair again.

You think he really was a spy?

Who cares?

He was guilty of something.

♪ ♪

[FIREWORKS BOOMING ON TV]

Crazy f*ck!

["THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYING ON TV]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

COMMANDANT: Ah!

So you're finally ready to address
that incident in depth.

Very good.

I've been looking forward to it.

Let me go back to the start.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS, PAUSES, REWINDS]

Allow me to introduce
our wiliest adversary.

You heard about the dual-b*mb
att*cks in Bình Duong? Yeah?

They used a modified wristwatch
as the triggering device?

You're talkin' about
a double detonation k*ll

and then a second k*ll on the rescuers?

You mean "The Watchman"?

Well, that was his country nickname
when he was a solo act.

But now he's the leader of a band,

churning out hits with
such perfect timing,

we know he has an inside ear.

Certainly not how I imagined him.

Yep, we played over 100 different songs

to see which spiked his adrenaline.

As a consequence, we've been
blaring this particular ditty

for the past five days nonstop.

Now, funny thing, these Commies,

they'd rather listen to a wet
fart than country music.

- [TURNS UP VOLUME]
- But he hasn't said a word.

We made affairs mighty
miserable for him,

but he won't budge.

That's why you're here.
Get in there, do somethin'.

[DOOR OPENS]

You'll need to be creative to cr*ck him.

[DOOR CLOSES]

WATCHMAN: Ha! Come dance with me... huh?

["I'VE GOT A HAPPY HEART"
BY SUSAN RAYE PLAYING IN CELL]

♪ I've got a happy heart ♪

♪ And feel like I could almost fly ♪

- ♪ I think if someone sh*t me ♪
- Okay... that's enough.

♪ That I wouldn't even die ♪

- ♪ Just find someone to live for and to love... ♪
- Enough. That's enough.

[CLAUDE TURNS OFF SONG]

Okay, stop.

Don't turn it down!

Don't you know how much
I love that music?

You know, that song is too cruel

for someone innocent
until proven guilty?

Hey, you Yankees in there!

You hear that bullshit?

[LAUGHING]

We yellow-faces are guilty
until proven innocent.

Otherwise, why would
your people sh**t us first

and ask questions later?

You Americans believe that
we yellow-faces are evil

from the time we are formed
in our mothers' wombs.

We spring out as fully formed VC.

Obviously, I can't
authorize your release,

but I can certainly make your
stay here more hospitable.

Play you a communist revolutionary song.

Get you a parrot to talk to.

Some bougainvillea, maybe.

- Birds.
- Hm.

- Flowers.
- Hm.

f*ck off.

Those CIA butchers out there?

They have a t*rture manual.

- Do we?
- CAPTAIN: It's as intricate and precise as one of those

fine Swiss watches ya like so much.

Everyone talks eventually.

Now...

we know you've placed moles...

within our ranks.

Hm?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

And you're going to give them up.

Why put it off?

Why wait until the Americans
have electrocuted

your balls with a thousand volts?

You know the CIA's nickname

for a prisoner's penis

that's been through that process?

"The electric eel".

[LAUGHS]

You're going to pray for death

while it's happening.

And you'll have betrayed every comrade

and everything you once believed in,

and you'll still be alive.

You'll feel so guilty...

♪ ♪

that you'll pray for death
all over again.

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

[CAPTAIN SIGHS]

I know what I want.

If you grant me this request...

I'll tell you what you want to hear.

Yes.

The food here...

well...

frankly...

it's f*cking terrible. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

So, I just want some boiled
eggs for breakfast tomorrow.

Hard-boiled eggs.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Would...

three be enough?

[EGGSHELL CRACKLING]

[WATCHMAN CHOKING]

[TENSE, PANICKY MUSIC PLAYING]

- Isn't this the part where you get a medic?
- Oh, yeah.

Don't just do somethin', stand there!

Come on!

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

- [CHOKING]
- CAPTAIN: I think it's too late.

- [GRUNTING]
- CLAUDE: Let's go.

♪ ♪

Let's go! Let's go!

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [CAPTAIN BREATHING HEAVILY]

CAPTAIN: We lost him.

Ugh, crafty bugger.

He knew if he peeled it,

it'd be too smooth
to stick in his throat.

Hm.

What?

Oh, it's not dirty.
Oh, no, the, the shell

provides a perfectly hygienic seal.

[COMMANDANT SPEAKING]
Look... you were burdened by guilt

for the deaths of both
the watchman and the Dumpling.

You can't afford such
luxury in our world.

Here, you're allowed
only one portion of guilt.

So pick one.

A spy is asked to be
all things at once...

A comrade and an enemy.

Anything less lands you on the
wrong side of an interrogation.

[OUTSIDE CHATTER]

Although...

I realize now,

there was nothing I could have
done to avoid such a fate.

[LIGHT, TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAN RATTLES]

[WIND BLOWING]

♪ ♪

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

CAPTAIN: Can a question also
double as an order?

Even if it can,

it holds no power
after the deed is done.

I laughed a long time when
I read the message from Man

because that's the exact question

I'd asked myself a thousand times.

Only difference was that mine
was now in the past tense.

Was it necessary?

[BABY CRYING]

Major Oanh was a quietly sacrificial
and humble man,

who always performed
his duties to country

and family without complaint.

He would always tell his family...

become fully American.

Make it your home,

or you will become a wandering ghost

living between two worlds, forever.

[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [BIRDS CAWING]

Should I drive you home, sir?

You see that hump
in the tree over there?

That bird's nest-looking thing?

Did you know that that hump
is chock-full of rats?

It's a rat's nest.

f*ck!

I f*ckin' hate rats!

It pretends to be clean,
but this city is filthy.

CLAUDE: "Love it or leave it!"

It's clever.

Racially motivated crime

on the Fourth of July, very clever.

But you know what, my friend?

You are a bit twisted.

Well, everything twisted about
me, I learned from you.

- [BELL TOLLING]
- [AMBIENT NATURE SOUNDS]

You got the right guy.

We found a letter

in one of his candy boxes.

The cipher was so rudimentary,

our boys at Langley cracked
it in about 20 minutes.

And what'd the message say?

He was on to you.

Here ya go.

How do you know "him" means me?

Well, remember at the liquor store

we told you how someone
pegged you for a spy?

Guess who?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What a fool. He pegged
the guy we trust most.

Welcome to the world of spycraft!

[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

One more round, then we're good.

♪ ♪

[BOTH LAUGHING]

CLAUDE: Ridiculous, right?

[MUSIC STOPS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

["DOING IT TO DEATH" BY FRED WESLEY
AND THE J.B.'S PLAYS IN CAR]

Who is this? I like it.

Give it a sh*t.

♪ We're gonna have a funky good time ♪

That's the J.B.'s.

My protégé, you're coming along

very nicely, very nicely.

- Thanks, Claude.
- Yep.

So where are we going?

On to the next harbor on your voyage.

- [ENGINE ROARS]
- It's just begun.

- [SIREN WAILING]
- Uh, you can't just work for the General forever.

It's time for a bigger assignment.

- Marco, table one. Yeah?
- Yes, right this way.

This is the natural habitat

of the most dangerous creature on Earth,

a white man in a suit and tie.

Welcome to the steakhouse,

the quintessential American institution.

But your job today is to be
quintessentially Vietnamese.

- [LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING IN STEAKHOUSE]
- [LAUGHTER]

WAITER: Here you go, sir.

Uh, it turns out the professor
inspired our friend's next project.

Actually, he read an article
of mine in "The New Republic".

It was about the first forays
of the Green Berets

- into the Highlands and he's latched onto it...
- Yeah.

PROFESSOR HAMMER: They say imitation
is the highest form of flattery.

I wouldn't mind a bit of compensation...

But then he comes on strong,
makin' all kinds of demands

about hardware that
I can provide, you know,

'cause of my relationship
with the National Guard.

Trucks, tanks...

- Who does he mean by "he"?
- SPEAKER: Thank God I'm here.

- How's everyone doin'?
- MARCO: Right this way.

- Fashionably late, huh?
- Thanks. All is good, I trust?

Our sacred Allied Force.

So, you're my Vietnamese guy?

- Uhh, excuse me, who are you?
- SPEAKER: Really?

- First words out of his mouth?
- NED: You don't know who he is?

[SOFTLY] It's Nicos Damianos.

You never heard
of the, "The Combination"?

And "The Combination 2".

Oh, uh, sure.

You don't know...
He-he knows the movies,

- just-just not your face, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, but, for starters,
have you seen the movies?

The first? About, uh, a quarter?

- [WHISTLES]
- So, you got bored, you walked out,

what, you thought it was garbage?

- What are ya, a critic?
- Air raid warning.

Evacuated the cinema.
I liked what I saw, though,

so don't tell me the ending.

[PATRONS CHATTERING]

Look at him guzzlin'. Hammer's
gettin' hammered over here.

- Take it easy, buddy.
- NICOS DAMIANOS: Despite my best judgment,

I like this kid.

He's plucky. Are you plucky, kid?

- Oh, he is wildly plucky.
- How deep does it go?

- The pluckiness?
- No, your blood. How deep?

'Cause what I'm lookin'
for is 100% "gook".

You know, and you look,
pardon my French,

a tad diluted.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[TENSE JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, wow. Dinner and a show. Well, uh...

- [LAUGHING]
- [EXHALES]

- Captain, we were hopin' you'd help us.
- By helping his new movie.

CLAUDE: To ensure its
cultural integrity.

- Yeah, yeah. What he said.
- To act as an interpreter of sorts.

A mediator between the two worlds,

Oriental and Occidental.

The General speaks so highly
of you, Captain, you know,

a half-and-half who will give 100%
to do whatever is necessary.

Right now, what seems necessary

is to demand an apology
for the insult I just received.

Cool your jets, kid.
There's no apology comin',

but I am gonna give you the
opportunity of your f*ckin' life.

[STAMMERS] I'll take an opportunity

over an apology eight days a week.

Doesn't sound like such a bad deal.

Looks like we just
sealed the deal there.

♪ ♪

- [CAPTAIN SIGHS]
- Come on. Calm down.

Cheers.

Start with a test drive.

Is there at least a script
I could read first?

♪ ♪

NICO: But don't start readin' it now.

You won't be able to put it down.

I'm tellin' you, it's genius.

Hey, gents, who feels
like somethin' sweet?

- Club Room?
- Oh, right.

- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- Never a bad idea.

[PLAYING LIGHT PIANO MELODY]

[SINGS] ♪ You and me against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
you and me against the world ♪

♪ When all the others turn
their backs and walk away ♪

♪ You can count on me to stay ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Remember when the
circus came to town ♪

NICOS: Oh, dude.

That's no way to treat a lady.

Come here, sweetheart, we got you.

Didn't you learn any finesse
from your French father?

He was French wasn't, he?

Welcome aboard.

[CLAUDE SINGING]

CLAUDE: ♪ ... you and me
against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels
like you and me... ♪

CAPTAIN: Three lines into "The Hamlet"

and I was back in my hamlet as a boy.

I could hear the bamboo
rustling in the wind.

- And I was home.
- Half-breed with 13 buttholes!

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Who is my father?

♪ ♪

Why am I a half-breed?

You're not half of anything.

You're twice of everything.

♪ ♪

CLAUDE [SINGING]: ♪ And
when one of us is gone ♪

- [FIREWORKS BOOMING]
- [g*nshots]

♪ One of us is left to carry on ♪

♪ Then remembering will have to do ♪

- ♪ Our memories alone will get us through ♪
- And cut, print, perfect.

Reset, rolling... action.

- [HOWLS]
- ♪ ... the days of me and you ♪

- CRAPULENT MAJOR: Love it or leave it.
- ♪ You and me against ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, yeah, yeah ♪

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[MUSIC FADES OUT]