12x05 - Anubis

[bunniefuu]

You know that we're back,
all in trouble.

♪ Shake Zula, the mic rula,
the old schoola ♪

♪ You wanna trip?
I'll bring it to ya ♪

♪ Frylock and I'm on top,
rock ya like a cop ♪

♪ Meatwad, you're up next,
work it out now ♪

♪ Meatwad make the money, see ♪

♪ Meatwad get the honies, "G" ♪

♪ Drivin' in my car,
livin' like a star ♪

♪ Ice on my fingers
and my toes ♪

♪ Check it out, y'all,
check it, check it out ♪

♪ Check it ♪

♪ Check, check ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens,
make the girls say, "Ho" ♪

♪ Make the homies wanna scream ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens,
make the girls say, "Ho" ♪

♪ Make the homies wanna scream ♪

...number one in the 'hood, "G."

Gross, gross,
gross, gross, gross!

Disgusting.

[ Carl crying ]

Is that a Carl cry?

Friendship seminar?

Forget friends.

[ Blows nose ]

Forget friends?

Carl.
No.

I'm your friend.

Look, we should go to this
friendship seminar, together.

Shake and Carl.

The friends.
Shotgun!

No, no, no,
step away from my car.

I ain't driving you
nowhere.

Well, you are.
I just purchased your services.

Damn it.
You want a mint?

I'd like
a bottle of water.

I ain't got that.

Fizzy, not tap.

No, no, no, no,
no open drinks in the car.

But I'm a human-sized drink,
so how do you square that?

Whoa, whoa, slow down
or you're getting one star.

Welcome, friends.

Can I call you friends?

We will be -- at the end
of this seminar.

We're All Friends Here.

Here comes the kicker.

We all need friends,
am I right?

Someone's nodding
back there.

Ah,
there's my guy.

Yeah. I mean,

I can feel the energy in here.

The friend-ergy.

And friends, let me share with
you a little something called...

The Abundance.

Okay.
I'm outta here.

Where you going, friend?

Ah, crap.

Open your mind to me.

And look directly
into my bejeweled eyes...

Oh.
Cash and boobs.

[ Laughs ]

This is
my best-case scenario!

What is it, Carl?

You appear to be motor-boating
something you really like.

Wow, is this real?

It can be, friend...

But you must bring me

No problem.

Can I see?

I need to see.

Drink cup.

Look into my eyes.

You wet the recliner again,

didn't you?

That is
a bold-faced lie, sir.

It's sodden
with your juices.

Well, don't tell.

Bring me 10 more friends

and no one will know
your soggy secret.

Forever Friends.

Friends! Yeah!

Fr-- Friends.

You get the boobs and the cash,

too, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
The biggest ones too.

Drink cup's a friend.
He counts as one of my 10.

No, he's one of mine.

I'm the one who brought him.

He's lying to you.

He was my plus one.

I drove him here.

Lookie here.

Carl wants us to have
coffee with him.

No obligation, neither,
it says right here.

That sounds fun
and legit.

He sent us
a written invitation?

Well, did you
get mine yet?

You can tell Carl
I'm sick.

But you won't be sick
for my presentation, right?

You're doing this, too?

I'm not doing coffee.

I got a cheese plate.

It's obviously a scam,
Shake.

How is this a scam?

Anubis gave me
this ring.

Just for
being his friend.

You've never given me a ring,
Frylock.

Yeah, Frylock,
where's my ring?

I just got ringworm,
which is very different.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, man,
we're friends here.

I just thought I saw --

You want the boobs and the cash
again, don't you?

But where
are your 10 friends?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Boom.

What did I say, Anubis?

You're gonna like
these guys, too.

They're solid dudes.

Howdy.

Is this the only friend
you have?

Where's the fryman?
Get his ass over here.

Well, he said that he's sick
'cause this is a scam.

But he won't be sick when
Shake got that cheese plate.

I got coffee and mini donuts

over here.

We only want to make
more friends.

How scammy is that?

I got plenty
of friends.

This here's Dewey and this
is his wife Vanessa

and, wait, this ain't no friend,
this is a booger.

Look at all them friends
he brought.

Toys count as friends,
right?

No, they do not.

[ Train whistle blows ]

This here is Terry
the Singing t*nk Engine.

Say hi, Terry.

He said hi.

Look directly into my eyes,
you fool.

Hey. Friends don't talk
to friends that way.

But I'll do it.

[ Train whistle blows ]

Terry?

♪ Meatwad, why did you
cut my head off? ♪

Terry!
No!

Beloved singing train
to millions...

♪ Beloved singing train
to millions ♪

And you beheaded him.

♪ And you beheaded me ♪

Terry!

Friends don't
behead friends.

B-But Terry was my friend.

I didn't do this.

I would never do this.

Here's the footage
of you doing it.

[ Train whistle blows ]

No!

They'll put me in the chair
for this.

You were working late.
You were never here.

Say it back to me.

I be working late,
I was never --

Wait,
what my job be?

You're a nurse
at a hospital.

Go home,
don't think about it.

I'll bury this train
so deep in the woods,

no one will
hear it whistle again.

♪ Meatwaaaad ♪

We'll pin it
on the cardboard tube.

I have a name,
and it's Dewey.

I can't be friends with a
homicidal train-slaying maniac.

But, Vanessa --

I may be an apple,
but I have morals.

You don't need friends
like them.

You need friends like me.

Frylock:
Have you seen the cushion?

Uh, no, you know what,
not since the heist.

Remember? Armed thugs
broke in and stole it.

Remember when I said that?

You know how much these cushions
go for on the black market?

A lot, I bet.

Especially if
they're not peed upon.

That's why ours would be
worth a lot more.

Probably
why they took it.

I told you we needed
a doorbell cam.

Oh, we have one.

Well, the armed thugs
erased the footage, obviously.

You know they got a hacker
on the team.

We don't have
a doorbell cam.

They stole
the doorbell cam too?!

Those bastards.

I guess they're the ones
who peed all over that cushion.

You cracked the case.
Good job.

Frylock, looking good.
You want some coffee?

I brewed it fresh.

No!

How do you take it?

He wants my cheese.
In cubes.

I got two different flavors,
orange and white and orange.

This is a real friend,
right?

Not just some rando
from work?

Yeah,
I know him from work.

I'm a nurse at the hospital,

remember?

I didn't k*ll that train.

Yeah,
he's a real friend, Anubis.

And he's my friend.

He's my real friend more.

Look, I don't know
what y'all are selling,

but I ain't into it, okay?

It's no obligation.

Just hear us out.
You might get a ring.

There's boobs, there's cash,
what's there to lose?

Nothing,
so you gotta do this.

I work as a nurse.

I wasn't even here
on the night in question.

Look at that.
It fits perfectly.

He just gave you
his friendship ring?!

He doesn't give those
to just anyone.

French fry.
Look into my eyes.

Deeply
and awkwardly.

And if I do that,
you'll leave?

No.

Then I'm not doing it.

Tell your friend
to work with me here...

or I'll tell him
a little story

about a moistened
seat cushion.

Frylock,
please do this for me.

We're friends,
remember?

Friends need friends
to do things

for other friends
so other friends

do not expose that friend's
secrets about them.

That's what friendship
is all about.

Fine.

Yes!

Tell me where to look.

Welcome to the club.

You wanna give it a minute
for the friendship to take hold.

Frylock can really
turn people off.

It's mostly his attitude,
and his stale personality,

and his breath is nothing
to write home about.

I suggested a tongue scraper,
but --

Get back.

Whoa.

Okay, okay, alright,
I get it.

You guys are bonding.
I like to see this.

♪ I drop bombs with it ♪

Look -- boobs, cash,
all you desire.

Unless...

are you gay?

Dudes. Oiled-up muscley
dancing dudes.

Friendship
ain't about stuff.

You give me something,

and then that obligates me
into returning the favor.

That ain't friendship, man --

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

The Nobel Prize.

You invented an infinite
energy source

from Styrofoam
takeout containers.

I've been working on this
for years...

But how did you --

Be my friend
and find out.

-Friends!
-Alright, friends!

-Yeah!
-Whoo-hoo!

And we're absolutely sure that
no one has any other friends?

Scroll through
your contacts.

Oh, great.
None of you have phones.

I do got me this booger.
Remember that?

Uh-oh,
bleeding again.

Only four friends.
Super.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, hey,
can I, real quick,

just look into my eyes?

You're an addict,
Carl.

I know when to stop.

But now's
not that time.

Let's maybe duck low,
into the crowd,

don't make a big thing
about it --

Anubis!

That's my name,
don't wear it out.

Where are
all your friends?

Ohh, it's not about
how many friends.

It's how good
the friends are.

You RSVP'd for 10 friends.

Look at all this hummus
I purchased.

Pita chips, baby carrots,
ranch dressing,

all going straight
to the trash.

Look,
these are some solid dudes.

Leroy brought 10 friends,

and his friends
brought 10 friends,

and his friends
brought 10 friends more.

Tenfold.
Or should I say...

friend-fold.

'Cause Leroy's kisses
everyone's ass.

Raaaaaaah!

-Whoa!
-No!

That's what you get for not
being a good friend-maker!

This is literally
a pyramid scheme.

This is not a pyramid.

It is the nosecone
for a rocketship

that will soon depart
to Planet Happiness,

and you will all be
sealed inside...

alive.

So then it's a cult.

It is not a cult!

We're just a bunch of bros
hanging out

and building this spaceship
to my exact specifications.

Come on, guys,
let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Moistener of Cushions.

Ah -- oh.

Where are you going?

Nowhere.

He's talking to someone else.

Friends,
hoist the rock

so The Abundance
can be achieved.

And you, back away
from the hummus.

You had your finger
up your nose.

Come on, man.

Awww, it's freakin' busted.

-Ow! Ow!
-Ow! Ow!

Friends have
each other's backs,

they don't whip
each other's backs.

I'm really starting to question
our friendship, you know. Ow!

Oh,
how was the pyramid scheme?

It's not a pyramid,
it's a nosecone

for a spaceship --

Spaceship to Planet Happiness,

I heard him.

Well, then, say that.

Ask how the nosecone
to the spaceship is going.

Not very well,
I should add.

Our new friend, Osiris,
he be whipping us.

And we didn't get
any of that hummus

or any of them
baby carrots.

But I did
make a hummus man,

and I got in serious trouble
for that.

I mean, that's gotta be
a union violation.

I'm calling Ocean.

You mean OSHA?

I mean shut up.

I'm trying to rest my eyes.

I'm resting my eyes.

No, you're talking
your lips.

Whoa.

Ah, damn it.

Watch out, Meatwad.

Is that pee-pee?

Yeah.

For years now.
Don't wake him.

I'll get the paper towels.

You know, I didn't
k*ll that train.

I didn't ask you.