01x05 - The Assistant

[bunniefuu]

What's up?

Hi.

You don't look
very comfortable.

That's 'cause I'm not.

Well, hon, why
do you like sleeping
on the couch?

What?

Lloyd said that you
liked to sleep
on the couch.

Is it for your back?
Is that it?

Yeah.

We both know how
lloyd is terrified
to sleep alone.

Yeah, it's...

See you soon.

I hope so.

I don't understand.
What was wrong

with the girl who
walked out of here
this morning?

Don't you feel
bad about what you
do to these girls?

No, actually. I feel
quite good about what
I do to these girls.

You don't think that
maybe they might want
more than just sex?

You know? Like,
they all probably
like you a lot.

But you could be...
and this, like,
might sound stupid

or whatever,
but you could
be hurting them.

They never seem upset.

Yeah, but how would
you know, anyways?

You don't talk to them.

I know they're...
like, I love
to talk after sex.

You had sex once.

And we talked.

It was great.

Hey. We heard
you were sick,

so we just came to see
how you're feeling.

Yeah, not so good.

But you know, I'm goin'
to the health clinic.

Wait. The school
health clinic?

Marshall, listen to me.
Doctors are bad.

Doctors are bad?

Yeah. I mean,
they fill your body up

with all kinds of chemicals,

and they don't even
know what the hell
they're doing.

All I ever use
are natural remedies,

and they totally,
totally work.
Right, lizzie?

Yeah, it's true.
Um...You know, I had
a cold last week,

and she gave me
these weird
herbal pills,

and I was better
in, what? 4 or 5 days.

Yeah! See?

These herbal remedies
totally work.

And they're all natural.
From the earth.

Yeah.

Like one time, I, uh...
I ate grass until
I puked like a dog,

and then I felt,
like, so much better.
Like that, right?

Marshall, people have
been getting healed
from these plants

for thousands and
thousands of years.

And if you actually
want to get better,

I'd be more than
happy to help you.

Thanks. Maybe
I... I'll do that.

Great.

Feel better.

Ok.

Dude, she just offered
to take care of you, right?

You should totally do that.

Think about it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right, right.
And she'll spend
time with me.

And she'll feel
sorry for me,
and... and then

doctors won't
put chemicals
in my body.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then it's boob time.

Cool. Cool.
Man, this flu rules.

All right, mr. Magoo.
Time to leave.

Rebecca's gonna
be here any second.

Ok. Well,
uh, have fun,

and in case
you need me,
I'll be sleeping

on the disgusting-
ass little couch
right there

that ron puked on
the other night.
Thanks.

All right. We'll try
not to talk too loud.

Hey, steve, you can't...

you can't sleep there tonight.

Uh-uh. Come on. Why?

I mean, marshall
isn't having sex
tonight, is he?

No. Marshall is sick.

So, if I sleep in there,
I'll get sick.

So, you know,
you gotta go sleep
in the rec room.

I...Come on.
I was here first.

Just go. You're not gonna
win the argument. Just go.

Now. Come on. 1, 2.

Grrr!



Ok, 21 drops.

No, don't swallow it.
Just keep it
under your tongue.

Feeling any better?

What is this stuff, exactly?

Western evergreen root oil.
And some antitoxins.

It increases favorable
prostaglandins.

Mmm. It feels better.

Good.

You're really smart.

Thanks.

And you're pretty.

You're smart,
and you're pretty.

Like a dolphin.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

God, it's hot.

Oh.
I'm really hot.

This is the school's
video show,

and I'm the host.

It was supposed to be
me talking about music,

but they wanted to play videos,

so as usual,

I'm just going to talk
until they cut me off.

Coming up next, we have
a generic r&b video.

I don't know
who it's by, but...

excuse me.

...A guy without a shirt on

spinning around in the rain.

Am I, like, interrupting

a... a slumber party
or something?

No, our roommates
are having sex.
How 'bout you?

Yeah...

He is.

Wait. Uh, can I sit here?
Thank you.

Thank you. Um...

All of your roommates
are having sex?

Yep. This is
where we wait
until they're done.

Who's your roommate?

Oh, um, the blond english guy.

Lloyd?

Yeah.

Yeah. That must be hell.

Yep. Yeah.

Um, what about you?
Who's your roommate?

The brown-haired girl
with the very large chest.

Oh, lucy big boobs.
Yeah. I've seen her.

Mmm. Well, um...

I... I... I should
probably get goin'.

Yeah, ok.

Um...

Ok, well...

Thanks.

I mean, you know, for...

yeah.
Oh, thanks.

Ok. You know,

you could, um, stay
for a while if you like.

We could,
um...Um, talk.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I mean, we should talk.

That's one of the things
that I like to do af...

um, with you, is talk.

Ok.

Ok.

Yeah.
Excellent.

Hmm.

You guys gotta come
with me and see this.

What is it?
Just come.

I think my hands are shrinking.

See?

Is that supposed to happen?

That's a lot of sweat.

Marshall, you're sure
you don't want to go
to the doctor?

I think that you should
go to the doctor now.

This isn't bad. He is just
sweating out the toxins.

It means the fever's breaking.

I feel fine.

Look, rachel's
doin' a good job.

We talked and talked
and talked.

That girl is funny.

How was your night?

Uh, terrible, ok?

I had to sleep in the rec room.

I hate it.
I hated it.

Well, it's not
for nothin', steven.

You'll be happy to hear
that rebecca and I

are goin' out on a second date.

Wow, a second date.
Whoop-de-doo.

Should I throw a party?

You're never happy, you know?

I thought that was good.

A second date
is not good.
I'm sorry.

Like, a year is good,

but, like...
but, like, I mean,

I... I... I bet you
probably couldn't
even last with her

till, like,
friday or something.

Oh, of course I could
last with her till friday.

This is serious, steven.

It could last
for, like, a week.

Wow.

See, what are you doin'?

See, you don't
care about girls,

a-and y-you're
just way too
self-centered

to even... to even,
like, listen to them

or care about their needs.

Easy, sunshine.

Gettin' ahead
of yourself there.

Well, that's what
sleeping in the rec room

will do to you. Ok?

I can't believe the textbook

for that class costs $55.

It's, like, this big.

Hey!
I'm serious.

Hey, you need
to tell marshall
to go to the doctor.

He doesn't need
to go to the doctor.
He's getting better.

No, he's not getting better.

He... he looks terrible.
He looks like death.

I almost buried him
this morning. Ok?

That's because his body
is releasing all the toxins.

He needs to go
to a doctor. Ok?
A real doctor.

Not... not
a witch doctor

with, uh... with
skull necklaces

and jungle mud, you know.

Like, a doctor
with pills and
tongue depressors.

No. Doctors
don't know anything.

My uncle had stomach pains,

and the doctors
took out his kidney.

And then they found out
there was nothing wrong
with it.

Now he has to go through
the rest of his life
without a kidney.

Well, you'll be
very happy to know

that he does have
a kidney 'cause you're
born with 2 kidneys,

you moron.

You're an idiot.

Yeah. Ok. I am an idiot.
You know why?

Because I told marshall
to take your dumb herbs
in the first place

'cause he liked you
and he wanted a reason
to talk to you.

Oh, you think you're
so much smarter than me,
don't you, ron?

No, rachel,
I don't think that.
I don't sit around

thinkin',
"oh, I wonder if I'm
smarter than rachel?

"Ooh, she seems
so much smarter
than me.

It takes a lot of smarts
to cull your eyebrows."

I don't think that,
'cause I'm so obviously
smarter than you.

Ok? I know it.

Ohh! You're
such a jerk!

Tell him to take real pills.

No! No.

Because I am right!
And you're wrong!

Why don't we ever
hang out in my room?

I don't know.

This is only
the second night
I've seen you.

Well, yeah, but
the first time,
we were in your room.

I mean, why aren't we
in my room this time?

Uh...

Um...

You're right. You're right.
Uh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what
I was thinking. Um...

Ok. Well, if it'll
make you happy,

next time, we'll hang out
in your room.

Ok. You're so sweet.

Whoa! Ok.

We're like
jennifer aniston
and brad pitt.

Yeah. I know, but...
Like...They're married.

Uh-huh.

My name is nicola, and
I choose to take this risk.

Faller ready?

Ready.

Falling.

Fall on.

Whoo!
Yeah!

All right!

Steven!

Hey.
How's it goin'?

Oh. Where's roy?

He's back in his room.

His roommate broke up
with his girlfriend.

Uh...Well,
good for roy. Right?

Why are we out here
and they're in their
rooms having sex?

Are we the losers?

Nah. We're as cool
as they are.
Are we?

I've spent $600
this month on
internet p*rn.

I feel sorry for you, steve,

'cause lloyd...
see, lloyd, he's sexy.

And, um...Once...

I took a picture
of him bending over
at the water fountain.

He is so fine...
To me.

Well, you know what?
I'm not jealous
of lloyd.

And none of you guys
should be jealous,
either.

You ever think
that maybe we're not
hookin' up every night

because we're choosy?

We're choosy. And from
where I'm sittin',

there's a hell of a lot
of hot, choosy people

sitting right
in this room right now.

That's right.
I'm hot and choosy.

Yeah. Any woman would
love to get with this.

Yeah!
They would!

And all I need is a chick

that I didn't
download off the net.

And you know what?

One day, that's gonna happen.

I ain't choosy at all.
I'll take anybody.

Well, I'm saving myself
for lloyd.

You might want
to rethink that one.

You need to find
a temperature that's
neither hot nor cold...

'Cause those don't
feel good anymore.

Oh...

Marshall, do you
actually feel better?

Course I feel better.

So you don't want
to see a doctor?

Uh, no. I...

I hate to bother...
oh...

I'm gonna take a shower...

And I'm gonna go to class.

Ok.

Just in case, I'm gonna sleep

in here in ron's bed tonight,

just so I can
look after you
during the night.

Ok.

Good night.

Yeeeeeeee!

Ee-e-e-e!
What? What? What?

That means "thank you"
in dolphin.

Oh.

Remember?
I called you one.

Yeah.

Uhh!

Are you ok?

Uh...[Coughs] Fine.
Ok!

Good night!

Good night.

Yeeee-e-e-e-e-e!

♪ Girl, it's only you ♪

♪ have it your way ♪

♪ and if you want,
you can decide ♪

♪ and if you'll
have me... ♪

it's nice in here.
You know?

Yeah. It's not so bad.

♪ Everything that you desire ♪

♪ let me get a feeling ♪

♪ the feeling
that I'm feeling ♪

♪ won't you come closer ♪

♪ mmm...To me, baby ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ then you already got me ♪

♪ right where
you want me, baby... ♪

is your name lloyd?

♪ How does it feel? Yeah ♪

♪ how does it feel? Yeah ♪

♪ girl, I wanna know,
how does it feel? ♪

♪ how does it feel? ♪

♪ how? ♪

♪ how does it feel? ♪

♪ yeah, how? ♪

Marshall.

Marshall.
Wake up, buddy.

What's happening?

You gotta get up now,

and you gotta get
your student I.D. Card.

Why?

Shh! Don't wake up rachel.

Shh! I found this guy

who makes fake I.D.S
out of your student card,

but, you know, he's in...
he's in a hurry,
so we gotta go now.

Ok.

Come on.

So, I'm gonna be able
to drink and rent a car?

Yeah. You can do
anything now, marshall.

That's great, ron.
That's really great.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Hey, you gotta
keep walkin', man.

The guy doesn't
do this all day.

Come on.
That's the health clinic.

Yeah. That's where
we get our new
fake I.D.S...

at the health clinic.

You're tryin' to trick me
into goin' to the doctor,
aren't you?

No! No.

Ok.

Ok. Marshall, look.

You are very sick,

and you... you have to
go to the doctor.

No, I don't.
I don't...

I don't have to go
to the doctor.

Oh...Look, do you want
to die of the flu?

Is that what you want?
Do you want to die?
That would be...

Pathetic. Ok?
That hasn't happened
for hundreds of years.

So come on, man.
Let's go.

She... she slept
in my room last night.

Really.

It was amazing.

I dreamt of what
our kids would
look like and stuff.

Beautiful...

Marshall. That's
really...That's...

That's beautiful.

Come on!
No.

Come on.
No.

Come on, man!
Just...

come on!
No! You can't...

it's a fever dream!
It's nothing!
It's a fever dream!

It's meaningless.

Oh, god! Come on!

Come on! Stop! Ohh!

Ohhh!

Keep... that's...
Disgusting, man.

Disgusting!

You're not my friend, ron!

I thought you were my friend!

You're not!

What's it like being
so good-looking?

I mean, do you think
people treat you
differently, or...

No, I don't think so.

Aren't you gonna ask me?

What?

Wow. Uh, what it's like
being good-looking?

Or do you not think
I'm attractive?

Of course
you're attractive.
You're beautiful.

Forget it.

Just 'cause you asked me
a question,

I didn't realize
I had to ask you
the same question back.

Of course
you're attractive!
You're beautiful.

That's why I'm here.

Is that all
that matters to you?

That's not what I meant.

Uh-huh. Um...What else
do you like about me?

Um...

Well, you're nice.

Ohhh! Nice?

Oh, I hate that word.
What does it even mean?

You know? Weak.

I mean...Why are
we even here?

We're getting
to know each other.

Getting to know each other?

We had sex.

Don't you think
if you had
any respect for me,

you would have done that
before you violated me?

Obviously,
I'm not understanding.

Here...

Tell me how you feel.

Ohh! What
are you doing?!

I'm being sensitive
to your needs!

I'm listening.

Oh, well, aren't you
just so sensitive?

Let me just take off my pants.

Here. I'm so lucky
to know you.

What are you
talking about?
You know what?

You know what?
Just get out. Ok?

Look. Rebecca,
we can make this work.

Just give me through friday.

You know,
we're not like brad pitt
and jennifer aniston.

We were like brad pitt
and gwyneth paltrow.

What do you mean?

They broke up.

Please just give...
forever.

Ah.

Steve, is this
your idea of a joke?

Sorry, lloyd.
I'm in here
with a lady.

Come back in a little while.

How much longer
should we do this?

Another half an hour
should be good. Yeah.

Ok. Just make sure
to save some energy,

'cause we have to go
to my room next.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey, welcome to nrl...
no requests live.

We're not live.
Why no requests?

Well, I don't get
to pick a video,
so why should you?

Evening.

Hi.

My name is lloyd...

And I guess I'm ready
to take this risk.

Faller ready?

Falling.

Fall on.

Ahh!

That was fun.

Hey, I'm lloyd.

Yeah, I know.

Ron! Ron!

Wake up.

What's happening?

Uh...Well...

I just kinda wanted
to apologize,

'cause, uh, I think
that you're maybe

kind of right
and I was maybe...
Kind of wrong.

'Cause, um...

I think maybe marshall
should see a doctor.

And why couldn't this
wait until later?

Because I need help
carrying him.

What's that in his hair?

It looks like...

Shaving cream.

Hey, how'd it go last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
The rec room rules.

Am I right?

Hey, I think if we
leave him here,

someone'll pick him up.

You know, you should
really be carrying
the heavy end.

My back is k*lling me.

Oh, you know,
tannis root is good
for back pain.

I've got some.

Tannis root.

That's what helped me.

No, thank you.