14x01 - Space Babies

[bunniefuu]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Who are you? [CHUCKLES]

I'm the Doctor.

You don't have to stand over there.
Come and have a look!

It's called the TARDIS.

[RUBY WHOOPS, CHUCKLES]

Nice.

But hold on. I can't call you Doctor.

No, I wanna know your name.

Yeah, that's, uh... that's tricky.

Because I was adopted,

and the planet that took me in,
they were kinda...

they were kinda posh.

They'd use titles like
the Doctor or the Bishop

or the Rani or the Conquistador.

[CHUCKLES]

Say "Doctor" for a thousand years,
and it becomes my name.

Okay. "The planet". Parking that.

"Thousand years".

Double-parked.

So, you're a doctor,
but you're the police?

Police box, no.

- No, no, no, no, that's a disguise.
- Oh.

Inside, it's a time and space machine,

but outside, it's...
it's like a chameleon.

'Cause once I landed in 1963,

and they used to have police
boxes on street corners.

- 1963?
- Yeah.

- [CONTROLS BEEPING]
- Okay.

Ooh, jukebox? I like that.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. So back to the planet.

My world is called Gallifrey.

- Gallifrey.
- [DOCTOR] Mmm.

And where's that?

Gone!

Ruby, it's gone, it's gone.

[SIGHS]

[DOCTOR] They d*ed.

There was a genocide, and they d*ed.

So the one that was adopted
was the only one left.

I am the last of the Time Lords.

And I am so, so glad to be alive.

This thing flies.

- Do you wanna see?
- [STAMMERS, GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

[THE SONIC WHIRRS]

[RUBY SCREAMS]

[TARDIS WARBLING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Let's have a random landing.

- [RUBY EXCLAIMS, PANTS]
- Whoo-hoo!

[EXCLAIMING]



- No!
- Really.

No, you've gotta be kidding.
You are kidding.

Don't be so ridiculous.

[SIGHS, PANTING]

- Are there dinosaurs out there?
- I don't know.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Go and have a look.

[SHRIEKS, CHUCKLES]

Wait, no!

- Is it safe? [PANTS]
- [CONTROLS BEEP]

What if I change history by
stepping on a butterfly or summat?

Well, that's not gonna happen, is it?
Who steps on butterflies?

You'd literally have to be like,
"Wait. Come here, butterfly.

- Come here. Have it!"
- [CHUCKLES]

[DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]

That's...

[DINOSAUR BELLOWS]

[RUBY] That's so beautiful.

- [CHUCKLES, GASPS]
- [DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

And TARDIS stands for
Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOCTOR] Eh?

So we've moved location as well.

[CHUCKLES]

This will be North America.

[RUBY] Huh.

One day, this is Wyoming.

Wow.

[DOCTOR] Little town called Green River.

Oh!

What's wrong?

- Did I do something wrong?
- Uh...

Because I'm Rubathon Blue of
the 57th Hemisphere Hatchlings,

- and I do not do wrong things, Doctor.
- But...

If you have made an incorrect
accusation, I will have to k*ll you.

No, no, no. Look, just wait.
[CHUCKLES] Wait a minute.

Let's...

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just...

[RUBY PANTING]

[BLOWS]

Am I missing summat?

Nothing.

Let's try that again, okay?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS]

- [RUBY] Thank you.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, uh, controls are new.

Completely forgot,
the butterfly compensation switch.

[CONTROLS BEEP]

Good. Right. Yes. Let's go forward.

Give me a number. Give me a year.

- [STAMMERS] Two...
- Two...

- ... one, five, oh...
- ... one, five, oh...

- [GRUNTS] ... six.
- ... six!

- Aha! Five numbers! I like it!
- [RUBY CHUCKLING]

- [DOCTOR GRUNTS]
- [SHRIEKS]

[TARDIS WARBLES, THUDS]

But we're indoors.

- Ooh.
- We got through the walls.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Aha! Is that like a, uh, matter
transporter like in Star Trek?

[CHUCKLES] We gotta visit them one day.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, but you said
the TARDIS was like a chameleon.

But it still looks like a police box.

Oh, it's, uh... it's broken.

- Most of the universe is knackered, babes.
- Oh.

Okay. Come, come, come, come, come.

Oh, it stinks. [GROANS]

[GROANS]

[DOCTOR] Something
is wrong with this place.

It is a space station reaching overload.

- [BOTH EXCLAIM]
- No, you made it worse.

- [CREATURE ROARS]
- [RUBY SHOUTS]

- No, that is worse.
- [BOTH PANTING]

[CREATURE SNARLING, ECHOES]

[SNARLING]

Is that a monster?

[DOCTOR PANTS]

No. No, don't be silly.

Ruby, there's no such thing
as monsters. They're just...

[CREATURE GROWLS]

Just creatures you haven't met yet.

[BOTH PANTING]

[DOCTOR] Hi there.

- [SNARLS]
- [BOTH SCREAM]

- Oh, run, run!
- Run? Run!

[CREATURE ROARS]

- [RUBY SCREAMS]
- Run, run, run!

- [RUBY SCREAMING]
- Go! Come on! Run!

Come on!

Go on! Come, come!

Get in! Get in! Get in! Get in!

[CREATURE SCREECHES]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[GROANING, PANTING]

Oh, yeah.

- [HUFFS, GASPS]
- [RUBY GASPS]

The question is why did I run?

[RUBY PANTS]

'Cause it was scary.

It was new.

I love meeting new things.

So why did it give me the shivers?

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING]

I couldn't run fast enough.
I was like "whoosh".

Well, i-it'd help if we
knew where we were.

Yet again, push the button.

[CHUCKLES]

[BEEPS]

[GASPS]

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, we're on a baby farm.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, a parthenogenesis machine.

What is it with you and babies?

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

We've gone from baby to baby.

I'm not saying things are connected,

and yet, things connect. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm the one
looking for my parents.

- And you've got a time and space machine.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, this place grows babies. What for?

- Food?
- Foo... Wha-What?

Food? They're not tomatoes.

Well, excuse me. There's a
big, hungry thing downstairs.

Baby farms boost the population.

Sometimes a world goes sterile

or, I don't know, goes
mad and bans kissing.

[RUBY] So these babies are human, yeah?

Yep. Grown for a colony world.

- And a colony world is not Earth?
- [CONTROL PANEL BEEPS]

Okay. Okay, one last time.

Push the button.

[CONTROL PANEL BEEPS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS, CHUCKLES]

We made it.

The human race, we survived.

[SIGHS]

[SMACKS LIPS] We went to the stars.

[CHUCKLES]

And ten minutes ago, Doctor,
just ten minutes ago,

you said genocide.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- Your people are gone.
- [DOCTOR] Yeah.

- How do you keep going?
- For days like this, Ruby Sunday.

I don't have a people.
I don't have a home.

But I don't have a job either.

I don't have a boss, or taxes,
or rent, or bills to pay.

I don't have a purpose,
or a cause, or a mission,

but I have freedom.

That's why I keep moving on.

To see the next thing,

and the next, and the next.

And sometimes it looks even
better through your eyes.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [RUBY CHUCKLES]

So where's this then?

Oh, uh...

[DISPLAY BEEPS]

Huh.

The planet Pacifico del Rio.

Oh, that's in English.

They speak English here? English exists?

Uh, no. No, no. Humans all speak
one language by this point.

- A bit like Cantonese.
- Oh.

- Uh, this...
- [DISPLAY BEEPS]

... is what it really looks like.

But the TARDIS translates.
It's got a perception filter.

So it helps you fit into
every time and place.

- [DISPLAY BEEPS]
- Right, and my mum, she's long gone now?

Can I see your phone?

Yes.

So, my sonic screwdriver can make

the distance between you
and Earth 19,000 years...

[SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS]

[SIGHS] ... or one phone call.

- [SMACKS LIPS] What?
- Carla. Phone her.

- But...
- Your mum, Ruby. Call your mum.

[PHONE RINGING]

[CARLA SIGHS] Well? What is it now?

Mum?

Yes, Mum, obviously.

You've just ran out the door
ten seconds ago.

Why are you phoning me?

You went like the wind.
Where were you going?

Yeah, yes. I will... [STAMMERS]
I'll catch up with you in a minute.

Bye. I love you, I love you.

- [SIGHS]
- [RUBY] Merry Christmas.

That was my mum.

On Christmas Eve. On my birthday.
Ten minutes ago.

That's the best signal ever.
How much did that cost?

I want to know what the hell
is wrong with this place.

- [SCREEN BEEPS]
- [AIR HISSES]

- [RUBY] Ooh.
- Do you see?

It's calm up here, but
underneath it is seething,

just like downstairs with that creature.

There's gotta be a-a
crew or a captain...

[BABY 1] This is Eric
reporting from Birth Zone 6.

I keep getting these
temperature fluctuations.

I've opened up safety valves ten to 16.

I've tried cross-matching
with the CO2 exchange.

But until we get that
pressure down, I can't...

[DOCTOR] Hi.

You all right?

But... You. Oh.

We've been waiting
for an awfully long time.

Mummy! Daddy!

- Oh, no. No, no!
- Darling, we're not...

[ERIC] Boys, oh, boys!

I've got to tell everybody.

Mummy and Daddy are here!

[HORN HONKS]

A baby farm run by babies.

[LAUGHS] Space babies!

[LAUGHS]

[HORN HONKS]

They're here!

They came at last!

Mummy and Daddy are here!

[BABIES CHEERING] Daddy! Mummy!

[BABY 2] You came back!

[BELL TINKLES]

[DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

- Hello, space babies.
- [RUBY] Hello. [CHUCKLES]

- Hello, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.

- Hey, Daddy.
- [BABY 3] Hello, Daddy.

Oh.

Everyone, back to work.

Show Mummy and Daddy what
a good job we've been doing.

Make them proud.

[BUTTONS BEEPING]

My job is to keep the pipes clean.

I am proud of the pipes.

And I keep the oxygen nice and cool.

We need oxygen to breathe.

And I pull this string and that string.

[CONTROLS BEEP]

I'm not sure what they do,
but I pull them very hard.

And I made this for you.
It is a little flower.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

- I'm Captain Poppy.
- [GASPS]

And I kept the station running
for Mummy and Daddy.

Because we knew you'd
come back for us one day.

We waited.

Right, you're not supposed to be running

this place. This isn't Babyworld.

Huh? You got left behind
when the adults vamoosed?

We took over.

We were very brave.

Right.

That's great. That's, uh... That's good.

That's amazing.

You've done a really great job.

[DOCTOR] I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm so sorry.

But we are not your mummy and daddy.

I wish we were.

But we're not.

[ERIC] They left us.

Where did they go?

I don't know, darling.

But I'm Ruby.

And this... this is the Doctor.

And we're your friends.

- Okay. Yeah, I got you.
- [COOS]

I got you, I got you, I got you.

I got you, I got you, I got you.

And me.

[BABIES] And me.

[DOCTOR] Oh, gosh.

[BABIES] And me.

And me.

Captain Poppy, when was the
last time that you had a hug?

Never.

Aw. Oh, baby, it's okay.

Come here. It's okay, it's
okay, it's okay. [SHUSHES]

- Oh, never had a hug?
- [ERIC WHIMPERS]

- [RUBY] Come on. You can all have a hug.
- [DOCTOR SHUSHES]

[BABIES COO, CHATTER]

- Did I get things wrong, Doctor?
- [CONTROLS BEEPING]

Well, according to this,
the crew went home.

They abandoned ship, and
they left you guys behind.

I don't know why, but they
left the birth machine running.

So you lot grew up, but
you stayed the same size.

Baby size. Space babies.

But are we wrong?

- What do you mean?
- We're not meant to be like this.

Did we grow up wrong?

Oh, Poppy.

Oh, Popsicle.

Look at me. Look at me.

Nobody grows up wrong.

You are what you are,
and that is magnificent.

But Mummy and Daddy left us.

That's okay. Mine did too.

What happened?

Well, I was found.

Hooray!

Yeah, little baby me was left alone
in the middle of outer space.

- And guess who took me in.
- I don't know.

- The Time Lords.
- Ooh.

Can you say it like me?

- The Time Lords.
- That's it.

[STAMMERS] But the point is,

is that it doesn't matter
where I come from,

because I am absolutely
lovely, aren't I?

[YAWNS]

- That wasn't rhetorical, Pops.
- Yes, you are.

And do you wanna know my secret?

There's no one like me
in the whole wide universe.

No one like me exists,
and that's true of everyone.

It's not a problem, Captain Pops.

It's a superpower.

- High five.
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- So you're Eric.

And you're Tasha, and Ruben,
and then there's Saltine and Boo.

I love you, Ruby.

Oh, I love you too, Eric.

But how do you manage all on your own?

We've got Nan-E.

Say hello, Nan-E.

[NAN-E] Good afternoon, children.

And welcome to our new visitors.

Oh, nanomatrix electroform.

Nan-E. Right.

Uh, hi, Nan-E. I'm the Doctor,
and-and this is Ruby.

[NAN-E] We have visitors, children.

- Nan-E!
- Noses must be blown.

Activate nose blow.

- [BEEPS]
- Uh...

[NAN-E] One, two, three, and...

[MACHINERY WHIRRING, BEEPING]

[NAN-E] ... blow.

- [BABIES BLOWING NOSES]
- Oh!

[COOS]

- [SUCKS]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- [NAN-E] Well done, children.
- [CHUCKLES]

And now, children, back to work.

Nappies are changed at 1800 hours.

- [SMACKS LIPS] Oh, can't wait to see that.
- Right.

So, uh, it's-it's-it's you lot.

It's Nan-E.

And downstairs, is that your pet dog?

[BABIES SCREAMING, CRYING]

That's not a doggo.

- [SHUSHES] It's okay, it's okay.
- What is it then, Eric?

The Bogeyman.

- [BABIES CLAMOURING]
- [RUBY SHUSHES]

[DOCTOR] Oh, gosh. Oh.

- We don't like the Bogeyman.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. [SHUSHES]

I did not mean to scare you.

There is no such thing as the Bogeyman.

That thing was more...
Sort of like a, uh...

- Bogeyman!
- [BABIES CRYING]

- [RUBY] No, no, no, stop it!
- [LAUGHING]

Nan-E, you tell them there is
no such thing as the Bogeyman.

[NAN-E] Nan-E is scared of the Bogeyman.

Then what is the Bogeyman
doing down there,

- and why... why is it so scary?
- [CONTROLS BEEP]

[ROARS]

[RUBY] Doctor, turn it off!

[BABIES CRYING]

- Listen to me, babies. Come on.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, babies. Space babies.

You're fine. You're fine.

- [POPPY] Oh, Ruby.
- [RUBY] Come on.

- [BABIES CRYING]
- [RUBY SHUSHES]

Right.

Nan-E, these babies are trying
their best... space babies...

but this station is in trouble.

You have got a build-up
of pressure in Hull-3-B,

and something is ramping up
down where the Bogeyman lives.

And if that continues, baby boom.

- [NAN-E] Portal 3-5-7.
- Okay, what's that?

[NAN-E] Access portal 3-5-7.

That's on this floor. What is it?

[NAN-E] Access portal 3-5-7.

Yes, it is just a storage unit.
What would I need to go there for?

[NAN-E] Oh, for God sakes.


[GASPS]

Where do you think you're going?

Portal 3-5-7. [LAUGHS]

Now? Great. Okay. Coming.

So, is this what you do, Doctor?

I mean, in life? You help?

- That's, like, your purpose?
- No, no.

I'm just, uh, helping babies.
Space babies.

Ha! Listening to my hearts.

Two hearts. Plural.

Okay. Two hearts.

But what if helping the babies
takes six weeks or ten years?

Because my mum's still waiting for me.

Back home on your birthday.

Yeah. It's strange, your life.

You were abandoned like this lot. Uh...

If things connect, then you
are connecting like crazy.

[SIGHS]

You don't know anything about
your birth mother or your father?

They didn't leave a-a note?

Or scrap of paper?

Nothing. I was... I was just left.

- By the church?
- In the snow. [CHUCKLES]

On Ruby Road.

[RUBY] Doctor.

What? [SHUDDERS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY] It's snowing.

Okay, what just happened?

I said snow, and we've got...
[SCOFFS] ... snowflakes.

It's like a memory just came through.

From the day that you were born.

But how? Is this the sort of thing
that happens with time travel?

- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- I have been to the ends of time and back,

and I have never seen
anything like this before.

Then what does it mean?

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- I don't know.

[RUBY SIGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Oh, I thought my birth was crazy.
- Oh, yeah, I know.

- Oh.
- [RUBY LAUGHS, SNIFFLES]

I wonder who she is. Your mother.

The memory changed.
She was pointing at me.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- I said portal 3-5-7.

Don't just stand there yapping,
you pair of idiots. Get inside!

- Who's she?
- Nan-E.

- Ha!
- Oh.

This is Captain Rico Trieste, signing
off duty from Baby Station Beta.

Pacifico date 56-56-22.

For the record,
I'm signing off under protest

and wish to condemn
this course of action.

Chief Engineer Lucia Colasanto.

Signing off 56-56-22.

And I'd like to say for the record,

the company's actions are appalling.

I will be launching an appeal against
this as soon as we're home.

- [AIR HISSING]
- [GASPS]

- [DOCTOR] Oof.
- [SIGHS]

- [ALARM BLARING ON COMPUTER]
- This is Comms Officer Gina Scalzi

signing off, 56-56-22.

So, the crew went home and left
the babies behind... Space babies.

[NAN-E] It's the recession.

The government closed
the baby station to save money,

but the law says it's illegal
to stop the birth machine.

- [DOCTOR] Whoa!
- [NAN-E GRUNTS]

But how did you arrive?

- Have you got a way out of here?
- I've got a ship, yeah.

[STAMMERS] Um.

[STAMMERS] What is
your name? Sorry, Nan-E.

Oh. Jocelyn.

Jocelyn Sancerre. I was
the on-site accountant.

I don't know how this place works.

Jocelyn, wait. Hold on, hold on,
hold on. This... This can help.

If you leave this to sync up...

[THE SONIC BEEPS]

... that should recalibrate
the whole shebang.

- [JOCELYN GASPS] Thank you.
- [DOCTOR CHUCKLES]

Wanna swap?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Hang on.

So, the planet down below will refuse
to stop the babies being born,

but once they're born,
they don't look after them?

It's a very strange planet.

[SCOFFS] It's not that strange.

But you stayed behind.

I couldn't leave them.

And I tried with this place,
but I'm not an engineer.

The machine went out of sync.
I patched it back,

but then the education software
ran out of control. It's a mess.

And I've been all on my own,
watching the kids for six years.

But I don't understand.
They are gorgeous.

Why would you hide?

'Cause I don't wanna see them die.

And I don't want them to see me die.

'Cause that's how bad it is.

This is a closed station.

There's only so much air.
There's only so much food.

The last thing I'll do is give them
the air out of portal 3-5-7.

But then...

then you came along.

Can't you fly somewhere else?

- What do you mean, "fly"?
- Uh, space station's stationary.

No engines. This great
big thing can't move.

It's just stuck in orbit,

which is a shame because
this is a nice little system.

[JOCELYN] The fifth planet out,
Mondo Caroon.

- [DOCTOR] Uh...
- That's a DuBarryDuPlessy world.

Oh, th-that's good.

D-DuBarryDuPlessy
is a starwide organisation.

- It means it can take in lots of refugees.
- Oh!

Well-Well, can't we call them for help?

They don't go fetch refugees.

That's the fate of every
refugee in the universe.

You physically have to turn up
on someone else's shore.

- And we can't move.
- But now you have a ship.

Plenty of room. It's called the TARDIS.

The trouble is, between us and
the ship is the Bogeyman.

- [ROARS]
- What is that thing?

[BOTH] You don't know?

It's nothing to do with me.
It's not part of the manifest.

It's not like anything I've ever seen.

No, nor me.

But it reminds me of
something. What is it?

And what is its skin made of,
and why was I so scared?

Because it's terrifying.

Yeah, but I've met a million ugly bugs.

I'm an ugly bug.

That thing made me run, and
I just wonder why. [SNIFFLES]

Okay.

The thing is this place is completely...

[LAUGHS] ... mad, but
it sort of makes sense.

Because you've got babies,
you've got a nanny,

and you've got the Bogeyman.

You've literally got a monster
living down below.

It's a children's story come to life.

And every story has its hero.

[RUBY] That's Eric! Is-Is that Eric?

Eric, get outta there.

[NAN-E] Eric, please vacate this area.

- Oh, is that how it works?
- Nanny filter.

Eric, get out, now!

[NAN-E] Eric will leave immediately.

No, Nan-E. I'm being brave.

[JOCELYN GASPS]

[ROARS]

Eric, for God sakes. Run!

[NAN-E] Eric, invoking the deity.
Accelerate perambulation.

But I'm doing what Ruby said.

What?

I love Ruby, and she said there's
no such thing as the Bogeyman.

So I'm going to find the naughty
doggo and tell him off.

- [ROARING]
- [BOTH GASP]

[ROARS]

But I'm so scared.

[CREATURE SCREECHES]

Oh, my God!

It's my fault!

[PANTING]

Eric, I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!

- [BEEPS]
- [LIFT DOORS CLOSE]

[GASPS] No, no, no, no, no.

[GASPS]

[CREATURE ROARS]

Nan-E, where's the Bogeyman?

It's about 400 metres north-west of you.

But still no sign of Eric.

Can't get a proper fix. I told you
these systems are a crock of...

[NAN-E] ... waste products.

Mind your language, Nan-E.

[RUBY] Okay, Doctor,
if we make a ton of noise,

then the Bogeyman will come for us
and leave Eric alone, yes?

- Yes? Okay, right. Yes.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Bogeyman! Bogeyman! Come get us!
- Bogeyman!

- [BOTH] Bogeyman!
- [PIPE BANGING WALLS]

Bogeyman!

[ROARING]

It's moving. It's heard you!

Okay. Nice plan, but what now?

[DOCTOR] I think...

[SNIFFING]

... if I was very, very little, and I
knew the Bogeyman was coming...

[SNIFFING]

... I would need to change my nappy.

Because I can detect...

[RUBY GASPS]

... space baby!

- [RUBY SHRIEKS, LAUGHS]
- Oh, Eric!

- [RUBY SHUSHES] We got you.
- [ERIC] I was scared.

- It's okay.
- [SHUSHES] Yeah, I know, I know.

[SNARLING]

Not west, I meant east!

- [RUBY SCREAMS]
- [ROARING]

Go, go! Go.

- [RUBY WHIMPERS]
- It's all right, it's all right.

[ROARING CONTINUES]

- [ERIC CRYING]
- It's all right. It's all right.

- You're all right. You're all right.
- [ERIC WHIMPERS]

- [ERIC CRIES]
- It's all right.

[SCREECHES]

- [CRYING CONTINUES]
- [SHUSHES]

It's okay. It's okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

All right.

[SHUSHES]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[SCREECHES, ROARING]

[RUBY SCREAMS]

Don't you touch them, you...

[NAN-E] ... illegitimate person.

[DOCTOR] Go! Go, go!

- [RUBY WHIMPERS]
- [DOCTOR] It's a dead end!

- [SNARLING]
- [RUBY] It's okay. It's okay.

- [SNARLS]
- You're okay.

[SCREECHING]

Babies to the rescue!

[CREATURE SCREECHES, GROWLS]

[CHUCKLES]

- Space babies!
- [RUBY LAUGHS]

- [DOCTOR LAUGHING]
- Uh, babies with a flamethrower?

[RUBY, DOCTOR LAUGHS]

Babies, babies, babies,
you did brilliant!

You did so great!

[RUBY, DOCTOR LAUGHING]

Space babies, you need to go, okay?

Get-Get out of here.

[WHISTLES]

Okay, let's get you in here. Come on.

[DOCTOR] Let's get you in here.

They're so good. Yeah, they're so good.

Nan-E, tell 'em what to do.

[NAN-E] Children will
return to the upper levels

or have no expletive dinner.

[BABIES] Bye!

- [SIGHS]
- Okay, uh, you-you go with them.

I've gotta stay here...
not just for the TARDIS...

but I've got to find out
what that thing is.

If that's you telling me to
leave you on your own, then...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Doctor.

Well, come on.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh.

[RUBY GROANS]

[DOCTOR GROANS]
So how did this begin, Jocelyn?

[JOCELYN] First I knew, six years ago,

was like a rattling in the pipes.

Then the howling began.

By the time I got the cameras
working, there it was.

The Bogeyman.

I don't know how it even exists.

And that was six years ago?

- [STAMMERS]
- [SHUSHES]

That's the same time
the babies were born.

- It's leaving...
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

... some sort of spoor.

Man, that's a good word. Spoor.

[NAN-E] What the bleep bleep is that?

Oh, Jocelyn, turn the filter off.

What is that stuff?

If I could get this to your
machine, it could analyse it.

The machine's got a vent
in the basement.

Follow the corridor. Left,
straight ahead, left again.

[DOCTOR] Into the belly of the beast.

Yeah, this stuff is slippy, Rubes.

- Be careful.
- [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God. [GRUNTS]

Oh, this is disgusting!

Don't call me Rubes!

[GROANS]

Are we almost there, Joss?

- [RUBY GROANS, PANTS]
- [STATIC ON INTERCOM]

This gunk stuff is sealing
the whole place off.

- [RUBY SIGHS]
- Oh, but never mind,

because... [EXCLAIMS]

... we are right under the
parthenogenesis machine.

[SIGHS]

[DOCTOR] Now let's make
sense of this thing. Uh...

According to the machine...

Oh.

[SIGHS] What?

It has been right in front of us.
We've been saying it all along.

It's all one machine.

One up above and one down below.

The one up above grew the babies.

- The one down below...
- It grew the Bogeyman.

- Yes!
- I said this. I told you so.

Six years ago... The machine is
mother and father to the babies

and mother and father to the Bogeyman.

And why? Because Jocelyn said

the educational software
ran out of control.

- And then you said...
- Said it's like a story.

The teaching software, it told a story.

It invented the Bogeyman.

- For the babies.
- For the space babies.

Oh, the machine is literal.
Like a computer.

It literally said babies need fiction.

- They need stories. They need monsters.
- Yes.

Yes, that is why I'm so scared.

It's all deliberate. It's infrasound.

The Bogeyman is roaring at 17 hertz.

That's the exact pitch
designed to make you scared.

It's scary because it's meant to be.

The machine made it
tall and big and noisy.

And it built it out of...

Oh.

What?

Oh, Ruby.

- What?
- Oh, man.

Tell me what it is.

- I can't.
- Doctor.

Ruby, I have travelled
the universe and back.

And seen many, many things.
Nothing is as bad as this.

A Bogeyman is made out of what?

I don't know.

The machine is literal.
And the name is Bogeyman.

- So?
- Oh, babes.

Space babes. We saw it.
The nose blowing.

The machine was literal.

And so it grew the Bogeyman
out of bogeys.

- What?
- All of this is bogeys.

- No. No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

No wonder it was shedding
its skin. Doesn't everyone?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [LAUGHS] It's snot.

- It's not.
- Oh, Ruby, it is a living sneeze.

- But it's... [STAMMERS, GASPS]
- I know.

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, my God!

This is the worst thing that
could ever happen to anyone!

- Don't laugh!
- [LAUGHING] I'm sorry.

Oh, isn't the universe mad?

Yeah, it just made a
monster out of snot!

[LAUGHS] Ruby Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

- That is...
- [GROANS]

... so funny.

- [GROWLS]
- Bogeyman.

- [ROARS]
- Run. Run. Run!

[RUBY] I'm running!
I'm running! I'm running!

- [DOCTOR] Go!
- [RUBY SHRIEKING]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't worry. It's me. Turn right.

- [SCREECHES]
- [DOCTOR] Go, go, go, go!

[ROARS]

- [JOCELYN] It's your device.
- [SCREWDRIVER BEEPING]

It's calibrated.

It's brilliant. I've got
control at last.

Now trust me. Turn right.

- This isn't the way to the lift!
- Keep going.

- [RUBY SCREAMS]
- Come on! Come on!

[RUBY] I'm coming! I'm coming!

It's catching up!

- Coming.
- [DOCTOR] Go. Go, go, go!

- [CREATURE HISSES]
- [RUBY SCREAMS, GROANS]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, thanks for using us as bait!

- Just next time, ask!
- Ooh!

Oh, wait until we tell you
what that thing is made of!

You can tell me later
once I've got rid of it.

[ROARS]

[BOTH GASP]

I will protect my children
and blast that thing into space.

[ALARM BLARING]

- It's an airlock.
- [GASPS]

[SCREECHES]

[BEEPS]

- It is one of the children, Jocelyn!
- [GASPS]

I... [STAMMERS] She's got the sonic.

Jocelyn! Jocelyn! [PANTS]

- [WHIMPERING]
- [GROWLS]

[COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 10%.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
We haven't got time.

- [STAMMERS]
- Stop Jocelyn, yeah?

- Wait...
- Left, second right,

- next left, you'll get to the lift.
- What about you?

- Left! Second right! Next left!
- Right! Okay.

[PANTING]

[ROARS]

[COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 9%.

You're hurting him!

Stop it, Nan-E! Stop it!

[SCREECHING]

[CREATURE GRUNTS]

[COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 8%.

[PANTING]

I am the last of the Time Lords.

[PANTING]

- How do you keep going?
- For days like this.

[PANTING]

I'm the only one of me
in the whole wide universe.

No one else like me exists,

and that is true of everyone.

The only one of its kind.

[COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 7%.

[PANTING]

- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 6%.
- [GRUNTS]

- [SCREECHING]
- [GRUNTS]

- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 5%.
- [ERIC] Doctor, no!

- [DOCTOR GRUNTS]
- [SCREECHES, ROARS]

- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 4%.
- [GROWLS]

[SCREAMS]

- [GRUNTING, PANTING]
- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 3%.

[STRAINS]

[GRUNTS, PANTS]

[STRAINING] Push the button.

- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 2%.
- [GRUNTS]

[COMPUTER] Venting
reversed. Venting reversed.

[RUBY GRUNTS]

- No!
- [RUBY] That's what you do, Jocelyn.

You save them all.

- [COMPUTER] Oxygen field at 1%.
- [PANTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

You save them all.

- [CRYING]
- It's okay. Come here.

- [PANTS]
- [CRYING CONTINUES]

[SOBS]

Attention. Calling Captain Poppy.

Calling all crew. Especially you, Eric.

Plus Ruby. Jocelyn Sancerre.

Nan-E was very naughty.

I know. And I'm so sorry.

All of you.

[COOING]

I was just on my own

for such a very long time.

- We still love you, Nan-E.
- [BABIES] Yeah. We do.

- Yay!
- But... But, but, but, but, but...

your favourite monster is fine.

- [RUBY] Look.
- [DOCTOR] Look, look.

[BABIES] Yay.

[HOWLS]

[ALL HOWLING]

But listen, listen, babies,
space babies,

your world is over here.

[BABIES EXCLAIM]

The world of Mondo Caroon.

[GASPS] But... But you can't get there.

Got no engines.

[BABIES WHIMPER]

Except, turns out that build-up
of pressure in Hull-3-B is from you.

- [GIGGLES]
- Huh? 'Cause the system went wrong,

and that's where it
stacked up all your nappies.

No wonder it was stinking down there.

For six years, a great pile of shi...

- Nanny filter.
- Shizzle!

A zillion metric tons
of methane, babies.

- Space babies.
- [GIGGLES]

But I am gonna let it rip! [LAUGHS]

- [GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]
- [BABIES EXCLAIM]

Oh, set sail for your new home.

- Babyworld.
- [LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES] Come here.

Are you happy now, Eric?

Very, very happy. I love you, Ruby.

- [LAUGHS] Wow.
- [RUBY] Whoo!

- So it was a normal day for you then?
- No!

No, that was extra special nuts.

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] And you, Ruby Sunday...

get this.

Your very own TARDIS key.

What for? [CHUCKLES]

I have the whole universe
at my fingertips.

[CHUCKLES]

And I'm all on my own.

So I'd love it if you came with me.

[SIGHS] To what? Just travel?

No job.

No boss.

Just fun.

We did almost die.

Yes, but we lived so much too.

Yes, we did.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes, we did.

Yes... Yes, we did.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Hmm.

Yeah, we did. We did, we did.
[SIGHS] We did.

Yes.

- Yes? Yes?
- Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Oh, my God. Yes. Yes!
- Yes. Yes!

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

- Ruby Sunday said yes!
- Come on in. Follow me. [LAUGHS]

[DOCTOR] Oh, come on.

[CHUCKLES]

- [RUBY CHUCKLES]
- Ah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right, mate. Let me tell
you where we're gonna go.

[CHUCKLES]

Except...

Oh, terms and conditions. [CHUCKLES]

There is one thing that
I can never do, Ruby.

And that's take you to
that church on Ruby Road

that Christmas.

Absolutely never.

But you've got a time machine.

If you change one thing,

a single snowflake, that could
change your birth mother's story.

And then you would never meet me.

None of this would ever happen.

And we would fall into the deepest,

darkest paradox. Ruby, trust me.

I think that snow was a warning.

[SIGHS]

I can't.

And I won't.

[INHALES DEEPLY, SMACKS LIPS]
Well, it's a pity. [SIGHS]

'Cause I disagree.

And if you let me finish,

we are gonna go see my mum

at Christmas.

Right now.

Come on.

And Ruby phoned. She said,
"I love you", and ran off.

No word from her since.
What sort of Christmas is this?

It all started with this man.

He called himself the Doctor.

[SCOFFS]

[WHIRRING]

Hold on.

- What's that noise?
- [TARDIS WARBLING]

[CLATTERING, RUMBLING]

Ooh, what the blinking flip?

Hiya, Mummy. [CHUCKLES]

[CARLA] What are you doing?

And what the hell is that?
What's it done to my kitchen?

Hey, come and say hello.

Yes, coming.

Tell your mum not to slap me.

[SIGHS]

[SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS]

Yes, now, the people from my world,

they use titles like the Bishop,
the Pedant, the Sagi-shi.

My name was...

[DOOR CLOSES]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

- [DOCTOR LAUGHS] Abbey Road Studios!
- [RUBY SQUEALS]

[DOCTOR] Everything's gone dull.

If music is gone, that means
everything is changing.

The Toymaker said...
He said, "My legions are coming".

I can't fight this thing. [PANTS]

[SONG CONTINUES]