[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
[TRUMPETING]
♪Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes! Yes!
-Whoa! -[BELLOWING]
-[GROWLING] -[YELLING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHS]
[ACE SPEAKING FRENCH]
Ha!
Hyah!
Easy, Spike! There's no seconds.
I'm now officially broke.
If I don't get a case soon, this will be our last meal for a long time.
-[THUMPING ON DOOR] -[GASPS]
Shickadance wants the rent. Hide!
[SPIKE SHRIEKS]
Hello. Mr. Shicka...
[SENSUOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
-Yowza! -[YELLS]
Will you marry me?
Are you rich?
Answer the second question first.
Ellen Silversmith from the Jonesonian Institute.
Oh!
I need your help in locating a missing animal.
Of course I am prepared to pay you a handsome fee.
Oh!
If it's handsome enough, I might just have to marry it.
[THUMPING ON DOOR]
Hold that thought. Hide anywhere except the closet.
Mr. Shickadance! How nice to see...
That it's not you.
-Who are you? -No names.
I represent the government.
Suffice it to say we wish to retain your services.
Suffice it to say, there's an animal missing.
Suffice it to say, we'll pay you handsomely to find it.
Consider it sufficed.
Exactly what kind of animal is it?
-[WHISPERING] -[GASPS]
My landlord.
Hide anywhere but the closet or the bathroom.
-Hello, Mr. Shicka... -I need your help urgently.
-Who's Mr. Shicka? -Get in here!
Anyone else?
-Howdy! -Yo, mate!
Missing animal? Handsome pay?
All righty, then.
Shickadance! I've got five paying cases.
I can eat!
Eat on your own nickel, Ventura.
Rent's due.
[BURPS]
For years, I've studied Toppo,
the red-handed howler monkey, day after day, week after week, month after month.
Then, Toppo disappeared.
Uh-huh.
This dirt is delicious, and incriminating.
Our monkey snatcher left a trail of highly uncommon mango juice.
Uncommon, except for this part of the world.
-We're surrounded by mangoes. -Oh.
You haven't found one solitary real clue, have you?
[STOMACH GRUMBLING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Someone got past surveillance cameras,
two dozen humorless guards like yourself,
a crisscrossing web of electronic eye lasers,
abducted a , pound sea cow and got out again without anyone noticing?
Suffice it to say... Precisely.
-So, did you find any clues? -Yes.
-This caramel corn. -That's no clue.
I, uh, dropped it. [CHUCKLES]
Can I have it?
Normally, I'd say yes, except that seems to be my last one.
BOY: And that was the last we saw of our troop mascot...
-The pattern bald eagle. -A-ha!
A white feather.
It seems that not only is your mascot true to its name,
losing feathers like there's no tomorrow,
but it's suffering a severe zinc deficiency, as evidenced by these yucky dry flakes.
That's great. But what about his kidnapper?
Uh...
I'll tell you if you give me a cookie.
Do I look like a girl scout?
No... [SNIFFING] But you smell like one.
Our missing Asian bony tongue fish is essential to our corporate image.
Essential!
[SNIFFING]
Whoo! Asian bony tongue fish, you say?
Well, what would you say if I said your bony tongue friend never left this room?
I don't suppose that's Asian bony tongue.
-Tuna, on rye. -You, uh, gonna eat it?
-Didn't you find any clues? -Of course I did.
I look for them, and I find them.
What do you think,
I just sit around waiting for clues to magically come to me from the great beyond?
Hear me, oh, great beyond!
Our brother is in desperate need of a clue, a hint,
anything that will reveal the identity of he who stole our beloved reptile,
the triple-eyed tuatara.
Say, you got any weenies or marshmallows?
Seems a shame to let a good campfire go to waste.
We have been fasting out of respect for our missing creature.
We taught the tuatara funny tricks,
and have to get him on a famous American late night show.
We'd hate to see him become a sandwich.
Mmm! Sandwich!
[GASPS] I mean, a big, fat lizard sandwich?
That's kind of sick, isn't it?
The tuatara's considered a delicacy in some parts,
but we know its true calling as the Lizard King of Comedy.
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, what's with the whacked out hoochie-coo shimmy?
He receives a message from the dream world.
Ace Ventura.
What?
-Your quarry is... -Yes? Yes?
The man who walks like a beast.
[ALL GASPING]
The man who walks like a beast?
That's it?
I've coughed up better clues in my sleep.
The glob eyes above a glaagydoo!
Bia, bia! Istonwa.
Excuse me!
I don't suppose there's a phone around here?
Give me.
Dial nine first.
I know, I know.
[PHONE RINGING]
[CRASHING]
Whatever you do, do not answer the phone.
It's only someone calling from the other side of the planet!
-Hey, Saint Francis! -Answer the phone!
-Answer the phone! -Okay, okay!
Hi, Ace!
Spank you!
Now, I've got five cases, and I can't get a lead on any of them.
Nothing, Woodstock.
Here are the missing animals.
See if you can find anything.
Ace, these animals are endangered.
Duh!
Now tell me something I don't already know, por favor.
Okay, hot sh*t.
Not only are these animals endangered, but they're each the last one of its kind.
Last one of its kind?
That I did not know.
Ace, you don't look so good, man.
When is the last time you ate?
Never mind that, six eyes.
You just gave me my first clue.
These are not five cases, they are one case!
Someone is out to get all last-of-their-kind endangered species.
Check and see if there's any other endangered species with...
With only one animal left.
Already on it, Acenstein!
Say hello to the red-kneed tarantula, the last, last of its kind.
And surprise, surprise!
It's in the Lycosa Tarantula Arachnida exhibit at the City Zoo.
Our City Zoo? Like here-in-town City Zoo?
It's your lucky day, Mancini.
The question is, Manilo,
why is someone stealing the last, last of their kinds?
I was on my way to the City Zoo to cr*ck the biggest,
last-of-their-kind animal heist since Noah.
I didn't know who was doing it and I didn't know why.
-[WOMEN GASPING] -All I knew was... Wow!
What a hunger headache!
My only comfort was knowing that I wasn't in this alone.
Spike, my faithful companion, and closest friend, was also starving.
[SPIKE MUNCHING]
Hey, where'd you get those?
You didn't save me any?
-Spike, you pig! -[CHITTERS]
Mmm. Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
What am I doing? Spike, buddy, forgive me.
How could I even think about eating an animal?
Eating an animal?
Animal crackers?
Tuatara sandwich!
-[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] -[TIRES SCREECH]
[PEOPLE YELLING]
WOODSTOCK: Ancient cookbooks, huh?
I guess, you've had stranger hunches.
Call it a message from the dream world.
You know, Ace, sometimes you can be too weird.
Oh, wow!
There it is, a recipe for a tuatara sandwich.
And a sea cow souffle.
And there, roasted free-range pattern bald eagle with lemon dipping sauce.
Someone is using last-of-their-kind animals
to make a one-of-a-kind six-course gourmet meal.
Oh, gross!
That means someone is going to actually eat a creepy, crawly, hairy red-kneed tarantula?
[YELLS]
How could someone eat that?
It's all hairy and creepy, and those legs,
perfectly suited for kicking and twitching.
All the way down your throat! [GULPS]
[RETCHING]
Huh?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, the man who walks like a beast.
Savage-looking brute, isn't he?
[GROWLS]
[YELLS] He sees us.
You go get him, I'll wait here.
Come on! You're hairy, too.
You'll have lots to talk about.
Hey, where'd he go?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-[GROWLS] -Uh-uh-uh!
Can't you read?
Do not feed the animals.
Especially do not feed the animals to some hairball like you,
with a hankering for last-of-their-kind rarities.
Yeow!
It's hairy and crawly, and I'm touching it.
-[SHRIEKS] -Run, Spike, run!
See Spike run.
[SPIKE YELLING]
They're coming around the clubhouse turn with spider-head in front,
followed closely by Goldilocks.
Smooth move, Slick, but it's my turn.
[ACE YELLING]
[YELL ECHOING]
Let's see how you like these apples, baby, hippo apples!
Seventeen tons of stampeding hippo apples coming right at you.
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[GRUNTS]
[YELLING]
[GASPS]
[YELLING]
Yikes!
Whoa!
Hey, how'd you do that?
I have mastery over all hippos.
You see, I was raised by them.
Raised by hippos.
Hey, watch it with that thing.
Wait a minute.
Hippos can't move that fast.
There was a time after the hippos, when I was raised by cheetahs.
Wait a second. Raised by hippos?
Raised by cheetahs? Hmm.
-You're... -The Griffin!
So, you've heard of me.
Fascinating article! Women's Wear Daily.
August , , page .
Right after a whimsical piece on lacy undergarments.
At six months old,
you were the only survivor of a small plane crash in the wilderness.
You were raised by wolves,
but you strayed from the pack during a migration and were taken in by groundhogs.
Gazelles, actually.
You're a regular king of the jungle, Griff.
I just want to know one thing...
What kind of creep is raised by animals, then turns around and eats them?
Not me.
I'm doing this job like I do all jobs, for the money!
-And now, if you don't mind... -Huh?
My client awaits his supper.
What, was he raised by frogs, too?
No. Kangaroos.
[STOMACH GRUMBLING]
At least losing the spider made me forget how hungry I am.
He says, "I haven't had a bite all day," so I bit him.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Hey, it even removes the paint.
I'm a loser!
Loo-hoo-hoo-ser!
Whoever hired the Griffin is probably finishing up
their tarantula tapioca right about now.
MAN: [ON TV] Welcome toCooking Till Dawn.
Tonight, we'll be making a seven-course...
Seven-course meal?
As we know, seven courses is the standard for true gourmets.
Six is one taco short of a combo plate, and eight is just plain tacky.
Seven courses is the standard.
Standard is the seven courses!
-The courses' standard is seven! -[YELLS]
-[PANTING] -Oops!
Far out!
You're right, brainiac.
There is one more last-of-its-kind animal, a seventh one.
I knew it!
Yes!
[GRUNTING]
-It's called a pink fairy armadillo... -Yes! Yes! Yes!
...and it's the beloved pet of the eccentric billionaire, Edward Gourmand.
Armadillo! Armadillo!
Now, according to this,
pink fairy armadillos were a favorite appetizer of the ancient pharaohs.
Ancient pharaohs! Ancient pharaoh...
Ace, do you realize what this means, man?
Of course I do.
It means whoever hired the Griffin can't start his seven course meal
until he gets Mr. Gourmand's armadillo.
It means I've still got a chance to redeem myself!
It means, ooh, ooh, ooh!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Like a glove!
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[NASALLY] Houston, this is Tranquility Base.
The gumshoe has landed.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Howdy, Lurch!
-Ace Ventura, pet detective. -[GASPS]
Where's Gourmand?
MR. GOURMAND: Up here, Mr. Ventura.
Mr. Gourmand, please excuse my unsolicited arrival
accompanied by loud rock and roll,
but a dastardly clever mercenary named the Griffin is after your armadillo,
and his intentions are most decidedly culinary.
Yikes!
Someone after my little dillo? Nonsense!
Now, if you please leave, I would be most appreciative.
Sorry, Eddie, but I'm afraid I just can't do that.
As the world's only pet detective, I have certain duties I cannot neglect.
[SNIFFING] Is that veggie broth I smell?
Why, yes. Yes, it is.
Yummy!
Ah!
Hits the spot!
That was supposed to be tarantula soup.
Huh?
Two things. One, you're the Griffin.
Two, that was really hot!
[YELLING]
Oh, my soup!
I know.
[PANTING]
[SPIKE SHUSHING]
What kind of man would eat his own pet, Gourmand?
I'll tell you what kind. A despicable man!
And you, boiling your own kind in their juices.
What culinary school did you go to?
Cannibal High?
The best, actually.
I was raised by wine and cheese rats in Versailles.
Oh! Then tell me what's for dinner.
And I want to hear about every scrumptious morsel.
Spare no detail.
Ooh, we'll start with hors d'oeuvred armadillo, bathed in a light vinaigrette.
Sealed in a wafer thin coating of breadcrumbs, lovingly deep fried in a wonton.
-[YELLING] -[GASPS]
[YELLING] Time to get out! Time to get out!
-[GROWLS] -My dinner!
I will tear you asunder like a lion.
Oh, yeah?
Let's see how you hold up against some decidedly non-animal vintage Ventura.
Boomshakalaka laka! Boomshakalaka laka!
-[SPIKE SHRIEKS] -[ACE YELLS]
Spider! Whoa!
Did I mention the time
I was raised by upside down tree-clinging South American sloths?
If you did, I wasn't listening.
[ACE YELLS, CRASHES]
[GASPS, YELLS]
[GROWLS]
Hey, Nadia, you nearly hit the spider.
-Whoa, whoa... -[CRASHING]
Way to go. [YELLS]
I touched it!
Come back, my succulent morsels!
Teddy want a cr*cker?
No! Wait! Don't! Please! I hate tickling.
[LAUGHING]
Stop! Stop! Please stop! I'll fall!
It's a pity things turned out this way, Ventura.
[LAUGHING]
Et tu,Dilly?
[LAUGHING]
[YELLING]
[GROWLS]
-[YELLING] -[GRUNTS]
Way to go, my opposable thumbedcompadre!
-Nice timing! -[GROWLING]
You didn't know I was once raised by picnic ants?
They taught me how to carry times my weight.
[LAUGHING] Really?
How about times, huh?
Can you handle that, stud?
-Can you? Huh? -[YELLING]
[CLATTERING]
A-ha!
Say, you ever been raised by seals, per chance?
Seals?
I have not yet had the pleasure.
All righty, then!
What the... [GASPS]
Whoa!
Loss of traction. Can't regain footing.
-Whoa! -[MIMICS SEAL BARKING]
Fare thee well! It's been a gas!
It's the final frame, and I'm looking for a strike!
You're dead meat, Ventura!
Yeah? And you're ugly.
-Do you think he's... -Wet?
Absolutely!
But we haven't seen the last of the Griffin.
He was once raised by hammerhead sharks, you know.
Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Why's that?
[MR. GOURMAND GROANING]
Because that is a , pound sea cow,
and where you're going, dinner comes in one course, and they call it slop.
[YELLING]
Well, I've worked up quite an appetite, boys.
Think there's some place we can get takeout around here?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]