[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run
[LAUGHS]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
[CACKLES]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHS]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Welcome to Miami, little fellas.
[GROWLING]
What?
[YELPS]
No! No, no!
No! No!
No!
[GROWLING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
No! No! No!
You're wearing see-through. Pretty saucy for a zookeeper.
[GASPS] Oh! It was horrible.
They're ferocious like lions.
Attacking other animals,
uprooting trees, hungering for meat,
destroying everything in their path!
You just described genetically mutated land piranha.
No. Koalas.
You mean furry Australian "so cute you want to eat them up" koalas?
[STUTTERS] See for yourself.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
All righty then.
Who likes meat?
Today's special, rump roast.
Hurry, hurry, don't get left behind.
-[GROWLING] -[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[ACE SCREAMING]
Do not go in there.
They're piranha, all right, trapped in koalas' bodies.
What can we do?
Easy. We call in the monkey.
[GROWLING]
[WHISTLES]
[SNARLING]
Don't you get it?
It takes one goat to screw in the light bulb
and three to pump its stomach after he eats it.
[YELPING]
Got me a big one, Jake!
-[SCREAMING] -[GROWLING]
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Losers!
Nothing worse than good animals gone bad.
[SNIFFS]
Except maybe stepping in a steamy pile of something.
BOTH: Ew!
WOODSTOCK: Frosted crunchios, gummy spuds, pork rinds,
banana traces by the boatload.
Are you sure you stepped in koala guano, gumshoe?
Hmm.
Wrong guano, dungadin.
Try this, but don't inhale.
Hmm. For koala doo-doo,
this stuff's remarkably eucalyptus-free, old stool pigeon.
Just as I thought! Eucalyptus is a mainstay of every koala's diet.
Deprived of it,
koalas are susceptible to a condition
known as irritability!
Spike, pack your Down Under wear.
We're going to Australia!
Cheaper than coach and twice the legroom.
-[TIRES SCREECH] -[SHEEP BLEAT]
Remember, a weekly vigorous cod liver oil massage
makes for happier sheep and shinier wool sweaters
in our American clothing stores.
Do your part in the circle of life.
Perhaps our Aborigine friends
can point us in the right direction.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Good day, mate. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
I'd like to ask you a few questions about koalas.
Koalas? Where? Where? [SCREAMS]
MAN : Koalas are coming. Ten-foot tall, they are.
MAN : I hear .
People, please, remain calm.
Koalas are mellow.
There's got to be an explanation for their strange behavior.
-[HORN HONKS] -Koala proofing.
Get your koala proofing here.
Koala-proof your home before it's too late.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, no colored beads.
What is this?
-We call it wood. -[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
I thought lumber was scarce in the Outback,
unless of course someone chopped down a grove of, say, eucalyptus trees.
[MUNCHING] Mm.
Ah!
Minty fresh, isn't it?
[SNIFFS] No. Smells like wood.
Yeah, tastes like it, too.
Ugh! Very well.
If you would be so kind, point the way to the eucalyptus groves.
[VULTURE SCREECHES]
Spank you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
That wood could've been filled with raisins or nuts.
-But... -[BOTH SCREAM]
Super. Hmm?
Blimey, Lola, they're still packing their heads.
I'm sorry?
Is that a local saying I happen to be unfamiliar with?
No, mate.
This trap was supposed to cut your head off.
In that case, I think I need a clean pair of shorts.
Wombat Bob, koala hunter, an all-round sporting man.
This here's Lola.
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
And I don't shake hands with smelly skid mark pants koala K*llers.
Spank you very much.
k*ller koala, k*ller sport.
Little cobbers are nasty.
Show them your koala crush, hon.
[GROWLS]
That's what we do if the traps don't get them first.
Ever consider the all too obvious possibility
that their eucalyptus groves may have been ruined, hmm?
The Yanks are so stupid.
Let's have some fun.
Being the sporting man I am, I'll take you to the groves, mate,
just to prove how dumb you are.
If I'm dumb, you're dumber.
[ENGINE STARTS]
-Hop in, mate. -No.
-Yes. -No.
-Yes. -Make me.
Lola.
[YELPS]
Buckle up, wowzer.
I stake my reputation as a sporting man,
that those eucalyptus groves are right where they're supposed to be.
-Are not. -Are too.
-Are not. -Are too!
Are not.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Wow. I don't get it.
The groves were here.
That's right, platypus guy.
Like I said, the groves are kaput.
And there's only one sick twisted mind
who would tear down trees and starve cute koalas
just to build a resort
in the middle of this barren bupkis.
-[HORN HONKS] -Ace Ventura. What a pleasant surprise.
Aha, Baron DeKlaus, industrialist, entrepreneur,
animal hater and mobile back-scratcher.
Mm! Feels so good. Yeah, baby, right there.
[EXCLAIMS]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
You chopped down the eucalyptus groves
not just to build a hotel in the middle of nowhere
but also to tick off a couple of thousand koalas in the process.
Why? Because you hate all animals,
especially squirrels who you blame for the loss of your hand
even though nobody asked you to rub your hands with acorn oil
in squirrel country.
[INHALES] Am I hot or what?
-[KISSES] -Very entertaining, Mr. Ventura.
And you're quite the kisser.
Unfortunately, there's a flaw in your theory.
A flaw, DeKlaus?
Lose the advertisement!
[HORN HONKS]
Nice golf course. What's your point?
Wait for it.
ACE: Eucalyptus trees.
They're still standing!
I may be ruthless and greedy, but your grove is a protected habitat.
I wouldn't want to break any laws.
Now, won't you be my guest and stay the night, Mr. Ventura?
I can give you a nice room overlooking the groves.
[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]
I don't get it.
Why don't the koalas eat the eucalyptus?
You're the wildlife expert, Mr. Ventura.
I'm just a hotelier.
Good day.
Can't keep the koalas waiting, eh, Lola?
Are we going to stand by and let Bob instigate
a senseless koala m*ssacre?
I don't think so.
-[ACE IMITATING WOMBAT CRY] -What was that?
Don't you recognize
the plaintive wail of mother wombat
wondering what turned my little boy Bob
into a cowardly poaching loser?
It goes like this.
[IMITATING WOMBAT]
Tell you what, mate, no one ever said Wombat Bob wasn't a sporting man.
Let's settle this over a round of golf.
[GROANS]
You win, you solve the koala crisis your way.
I win, it's koala crush time.
[SPIKE YELPING]
Nice try, wombat man. But golf isn't my game.
I stink at it. And I'm allergic to plaid polyester. [SNEEZES]
What else you got?
I was hoping you'd ask, cobber.
Nothing I like better than a little blood sport.
[GROWLS]
We'll call this fight The Thunder Down Under.
Sorry, I'm an animal lover, not an animal fighter.
[SCREAMS]
[YELPING]
I don't hit animals.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Push me all you want, I will not hit an animal!
Sportin' men, however, are fair game.
My keys!
Spike!
Take care now. Bye-bye now.
Me new jeep!
"Me new jeep," he says.
Great. We're out here in the middle of nowhere and it's almost nightfall.
-Almost nightfall. -[EXCLAIMS]
Uh-oh.
-[SNARLING] -[GASPS]
[BOTH SHRIEK]
There's only one thing to do. Reason with them.
Koalas of the Outback, I hear you saying,
"Brother Ace, we are irritable. We are cranky.
"We are going cold koala."
Well, there is only one answer.
Say it with me now, "eucalyptus."
[KOALAS GROWLING]
All righty then.
Brother Spike, what message do you bring to the nice koalas?
Brother Spike!
-[GASPS] -[SHRIEKING]
Run like a racehorse?
Good advice. [SCREAMS]
Run, monkey, run!
"For all your needs, call Hank's Hotel Supplies."
Come on!
If you're so hungry, you can eat my dust.
Dirty bird.
Apparently, a pigeon in gastrointestinal distress. Or...
[SLURPS]
[GARGLES]
Tart, tangy, high in cholesterol.
Mayonnaise.
Two thousand gallons destined for the Outback Inn.
Just how much tuna salad can one man make?
What could possibly link koalas, sandwich dressing and Baron DeKlaus?
Think. Think.
Think.
Think. Think. Hmm.
Thinker has thunk.
Here koala, koala, koala. Here, boy.
[SNARLING]
Welcome, children of the night.
Behold, the mayo.
[ALL SCREAM]
That's right, Van Helsing monk, koalas can't stand this skunk
because they possess incredibly long intestines,
making them lactose intolerant.
They can't digest dairy products such as milk, cheese or mayonnaise.
I'm formulating a hunch.
And now, the final chapter of the eucalyptus grove affair,
starring Baron DeKlaus and his three ugly henchmen,
brought to you by Sprayo Mayo.
Sprayo Mayo keeps koalas away.
As I figured, DeKlaus is spraying down the trees to keep the koalas away.
But why? [GROANS]
Put me in coach, I'm ready.
[THUDS]
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
[GROANS] Anyone catch the license plate on that space shuttle?
[GROANS]
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER] A tumor.
WOMBAT BOB: This is starting to get personal, mate.
First you strand me here so I can't hunt koala,
then you ruin me golf game by stopping the ball with your head.
[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Golf?
Bogey. I win.
And I bet I'm the very first one to complete all holes.
Did you say ""?
Problem, wowzer?
Unless ugly plaid pants digest is mistaken,
a regulation golf course is holes, marsupial Jack.
Tee, please.
All righty then.
Pretend you're teeing off at the th hole.
You're just trying to keep me from my koala hunt.
Come on, sportin' man, just for fun. Club, please.
All right.
But then I'm having Lola jolly stomp you again just for fun.
Spank you kindly.
A beautiful drive...
-MAN: Oi! -...but just short of the green.
Aha!
It's so simple, even a kangaroo could figure it out.
You see, DeKlaus here designs a regulation size golf course for his resort.
But there's just one problem.
His land's not regulation size.
The spot designated for the th hole rests on Aboriginal soil.
DeKlaus asked them to move, but after , years they're not ready to relocate.
That ball hit you harder than I thought.
BARON: Congratulations, Mr. Ventura.
Another mystery well solved.
Yes!
I'll take the living room set and put the rest on a gift certificate, Pat.
I'm confused.
Bob's a sportin' man, and none too bright.
The beauty of it all, Mr. Ventura,
is that if you hadn't stopped Bob here from going koala hunting,
it may have spoiled everything.
By taking Bob's wheels,
I saved the koalas but helped your plan?
I'd offer to shake your hand, but mine's in the shop.
[IN SING-SONG VOICE] You missed me.
[GASPS] Wow.
[GRUNTS] Blimey.
Squatter's got me up a gum tree.
Ah! It was only a matter of time
before the koalas made their way to precious Aboriginal soil.
Within moments, the Aborigines will be slaughtered
and their land will be mine for the taking.
You're forgetting one thing, DeKlaus.
Oh? What's that?
Squirrels don't like you.
Kangaroos are nothing more than giant squirrels.
And there's one now.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[BARON GASPS]
[YELPING]
Get him away! Away!
Spike, condiments!
[ALL YELP]
[YELPING]
ACE: The koalas are restless.
No time to lose.
I'll drive.
But I want to drive.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREECHING]
MAN : Hurry! MAN : Hurry up!
[ALL GRUNT]
[BOTH SCREAM]
So, sport, what's the plan, eh?
I don't know. You're the sportin' man. Think of something.
[CHOKING AND COUGHING]
You should teach your roo
to cover her mouth when she coughs.
She's allergic to monkey fur, sport.
How about a cough drop, Lola?
Wild cherry or minty fresh eucalyptus?
Eucalyptus?
Gee, wowzer,
I'm not sure whether to kiss you or slap you.
It's that duality of man thing.
[GROWLING]
[YODELING] Yoo-hoo! Koala.
Tea.
Cough drops. Eucalyptus variety, please.
Bellows.
[ALL CHEER]
From night of the living dead to night of the grateful dead,
time to mellow out, boys.
[GASPS]
[GROWLING]
Uh-oh, mate, looks like we need more eucalyptus and fast.
ACE: "For all your needs, call Hank's Hotel Supplies."
Time to initiate operation cough drop.
Hank, big trouble. Outbreak at the Outback.
Laryngitis. Could be epidemic.
Hit me with all the cough drops you got,
eucalyptus variety, and bill it to the Baron.
BARON: Stop! After them!
They're heading for the resort!
They'll never make it.
-[GASPS] -[expl*si*n]
[YELPS]
It's rain. It's hail. It's cough drops?
ACE: Eucalyptus cough drops.
Loo-hoo-se-her!
-[GROWLING] -[GASPS]
[SCREAMS] Keep them away!
Nice squirrels, nice squirrels, nice squirrels. No!
[ALL SLURPING]
He wears acorn oil in squirrel country
and eucalyptus drops in koala land.
-You know what that means, Spike? -[CHATTERING]
That's right.
Loser.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]