[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
Alrighty then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run...
[CACKLING]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[LAUGHING]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n...
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[BELLOWING]
[POLAR BEAR GASPS]
[CHIRPING]
-[BLEATING] -[ALLIGATOR GROWLING]
[SCREAMS]
[HISSING]
-[ROARING] -[SCREAMING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
-[HONKING] -Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
♪ Pet detective on the run...
[CHUCKLING]
[ALARM RINGING]
Okay, let's go!
[LAUGHING]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective!
I have to ask you to pull over!
[GRUNTS]
Alrighty then. Make me call the monkey!
Leading Man to Second Fiddle, do you read me?
-[CHATTERING] -Relax.
It's, uh, just a code name.
[WHISTLING]
[GROANING]
-[TIRES SCREECHING] -[YELLING]
Aye!
Spank you, jungle friends!
Treats for everybody, Spike.
Then back to the zoo.
Take me down, boy.
Dogs playing bridge, now that's a masterpiece!
[SIREN BLARING]
Loohoo-sehers!
-Don't turn around. -We're from the government.
We need to talk.
Suffice it to say, it's classified.
Suffice it to say, we can't talk here.
Reeheehe...
-Suffice it to say... -You turned around.
[SNIFFING]
[SCREAMING]
That's the pits, and I do mean the pits.
Mr. Ventura, we're with the Secret Service.
We've been observing you.
We're impressed with your expertise in wildlife matters.
We've come to you to discuss a matter of national magnitude.
Room service? Send up a basket of curly fries!
You guys want anything?
That's the presidential hot line!
[LAUGHS] My mistake.
Mr. President, we're ordering curly fries, want some?
[GROANS]
Mr. President, I... I assure you this won't happen again.
Mr. Ventura, we must talk business.
Sure, let's do everything you want to do!
Now, as you're probably well aware
American Bald Eagles are highly endangered.
As of now...
They're even more so.
You see, someone's been stealing, ugh!
America's eagles.
No animal is more symbolic [GROANS]
-to our country than the eagle. -Gotcha.
And what with the th of July right around the corner...
Hey, is it true you Secret Service guys get your own gym?
Uh... Yes.
It's a very nice gym.
Gentlemen, Ace is on the case!
But I won't do it for patriotism, or politics...
Or even for you, Mr. President!
I'll do it for the eagles!
And one of those neat-o Secret Service gym cards!
That's reasonable.
We were going to give you three hundred dollars.
I'll take it.
Why do we have to be the bald eagle decoys?
What? You expected me to shave my head?
No one touches the do!
Besides, I'm guarding the eagles.
Now don't forget, you're the last two eagles in America!
Look like an eagle, act like an eagle and eat like an eagle.
[GAGGING]
[GASPS]
That's it.
Look natural.
Don't chew, swallow!
He's getting away!
Darn!
Target locked.
Spike...
Let 'er rip!
Hey, guys!
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
I'd like to have a word with you about some
missing eagles.
Can't,
hang on,
grip going.
[SCREAMS]
You? [SCREAMS]
Oh no!
-[YELLING] -Incoming!
Outgoing!
Phew!
[SCREAMING]
Huh?
[ROARS]
Ugh!
[YELLING]
[SCREAMING]
You probably want to hurt me.
I can appreciate that.
But before you do, I've got to say one thing.
I saw the bad guy!
I saw the bad guy!
Who was it?
Whoever he was, he looked exactly like...
Benjamin Franklin!
-Did not. -Did too.
-Did not. -Too!
-Not! -Too!
[CHATTERING]
What did he say!
He said, [CHATTERING]
He means, what did he mean!
He means...
The last two bald eagles in America are gone!
Stolen.
Bird-napped.
[CHATTERING]
He also asked, who cut your hair.
Since our prime suspect,
an incredible simulation of Benjamin Franklin,
was a mile high in a blimp mere moments ago,
I can conclude only one thing.
A second eagle-napper theory.
I don't wanna hear it!
Since I've met you, Mr. Pet Detective,
I've lost my dignity, my hair, my appetite, and the last remaining eagles in America!
And your temper.
[YELLS] And my temper!
You, Mr. Ventura, are off the case!
Do I get to keep my Secret Service gym card?
No, you do not!
Babies.
What is this?
[CHATTERING]
Wrong. Not an eagle feather,
but a turkey feather!
Hmm. Amber coloration along the vane,
vitamin E traces on the shaft,
yep, good chance it's one of ours.
As you can see, we raise the finest turkeys in the world here!
That's why come Thanksgiving, we sell 'em at a premium.
For cooking.
And eatin'!
What else?
I see.
Spike.
-[CHATTERING] -Time to stretch your legs.
You haven't seen a guy who looks like Benjamin Franklin, have you?
Hmm. Don't think so.
Uh, what's he look like?
This.
Nope, can't say I've seen him.
-[STAMMERS] -But I'll hold onto this just in case.
Wish I was looking for Lincoln,
it'd be a lot cheaper.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
You haven't sold any turkeys recently, have you?
Nope. We usually sell our turkeys round Thanksgivin'.
Except there was this one.
Reeheeheally?
Shipped it to somewhere in Philadelphia.
Think I could get the address?
Sure. Hey, you're not looking for Ulysses S. Grant, are ya?
He's on the , ya know. [LAUGHS]
Huh?
[TURKEYS GOBBLING]
What have we learned so far?
Our suspect looks like Ben Franklin.
America's eagles have been stolen.
And a turkey is one feather short of a full fan.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Oh.
Anyway, Spike, I'm sure we'll find the answer in the City of Brotherly Love.
[EXCLAIMS]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Sorry. We're closed, bub.
Ahh, foot!
[GROANS]
And why, pray tell, would that be?
What are you, a commie?
Independence Day parade starts soon.
The President's gonna be there.
Have a nice day.
Happy th of July to you too,
loser!
Good work, Spike!
If I don't give you a raise next paycheck...
-[EXCLAIMS] -Keep waiting.
There's gotta be something here!
There's gotta be some connection between Franklin, eagles, and turkeys!
Franklins, and eagles and turkeys, oh my!
Franklins and eagles and turkeys oh my!
Franklins and eagles and turkeys oh my!
[CHATTERING]
I did too mean to do that.
-[WHISTLING] -[CHATTERING]
[GASPS]
Phew! Huh!
Hmm.
Ah-ha.
Master of Disguise, alrighty then!
These low pants itch like crazy.
I know, I can't believe they never wore underwear.
E pluribus unum.
Live long and prosper.
Are we all supposed to have monkeys?
[WHISTLING]
Huh?
Hmm.
As seemingly unimportant as this appears,
my keen detective's mind tells me we should check it out.
What do you think, Spike?
-[CHATTERING] -You know I could have bought a half dozen very supportive
and encouraging dogs for what I paid for you.
[SCREAMS]
[CHATTERING]
Whoa!
The eagle,
has landed!
[SHRIEKS]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective of the Colonies.
I'll have you guys free in a jiffy.
-Now I'll just have to find my hawking gloves. -[DOOR OPENS]
What do you think you're doing here?
Don't you know we have a meeting?
Right.
The meeting.
The meeting. [GIGGLES]
[GAVEL BANGING]
Members of the Franklinite Extremist Front!
I present to you fresh from a round of ground-breaking plastic surgery.
Our esteemed leader!
[GOBBLES]
[CHEERING]
Founding father!
Scientist!
Inventor!
Publisher!
Diplomat!
Potty humorist!
[ALL GASPS]
It's true, you know.
A day without potty humor, is like a day where the sun don't shine.
[CLEARS THROAT]
May I be the first to say that you look marvelous, Frank Benjamin!
[CHEERING]
Thank you! Thank you all!
Someday, everyone will look like Benjamin Franklin!
Ben Franklin, I thought he was supposed to look like Tom Bosley.
Hey Mr. C!
Shh.
Thank you, but before we can change the face of America, we must first change its soul!
After today, America will no longer look to the eagle for inspiration,
which Ben Franklin considered
what?
Uh, lazy and of bad moral character?
That's right!
America will pick a new mascot!
And they will pick Benjamin Franklin's original choice!
Which is the
what?
The turkey.
That's right!
[GOBBLING]
[ALL GOBBLING]
[ACE GOBBLING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
We are trying to hold a meeting here.
Say, don't I know you?
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
We met on your blimp.
How could I forget?
I guarantee you won't forget me
if you so much as harm one feather on those birds' bald heads!
Oh, I won't need to harm any birds.
I'm simply going to make the Turkey look good...
By making the eagle look bad!
And you're too late to stop us, Mr. Ventura.
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
[SNIFFING]
[SCREAMS]
You like doing that, don't you!
[GASPS] There's no time to lose!
Untie me, my pungent pal!
[CHATTERING]
That's it little buddy, use your teeth.
-[BITES] -[SCREAMS]
On the ropes, the ropes.
Like I need Ebola,
again!
Never fear, my feathered friends!
You are soon to be freed by...
[BUZZING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[EAGLE SCREECHES]
[SCREAMS]
Hmm.
An a*t*matic timer?
What's this?
A box of Super-Laxative bird seed, with a one-hour time release!
A band of insane colonialists who abduct a flock of eagles only to set them free.
What does it all mean?
What's the connection?
[TRUMPETING]
[GASPS]
The parade!
The parade location is an hour away,
and the eagles now have their bellies full of one hour time released laxative!
Coincidence? I think not.
The eagles' route takes them directly over the President's bandstand at the parade,
in exactly one hour from now, they'll make a real mess
leaving the President with egg on his face and a huge dry cleaning bill!
We can't let that happen!
We can't let those eagles go poopy on the President!
[CHEERING]
I'm very disappointed in you boys about the eagle situation.
This looks bad for me, you know.
ACE: Yoo-hoo!
Guys, it's me!
Over here! [GASPS]
You've got to listen. The President's in danger.
Oh? From what?
Suffice it to say, you won't believe me.
-Try us. -Okay.
It's the eagles. They're coming this way
and they're going to poop all over the President!
Suffice it to say, you're right.
-We don't believe you. -And you're coming with us.
Come on guys, listen! Really, I'm serious.
Uh huh. Yeah. Sure. Right.
Eagle poopy, huh, sounds dangerous.
Yeah, right!
Where's it going to come from, the book depository or the grassy knoll.
Woah!
Captain Picard, Uncle Fester!
Hey everyone, celebrities!
[GASPS]
No, we're not!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-[CHATTERING] -Huh?
Hmm.
We can't get to the President, so we have to get the eagles to change course.
Spike, I've got a plan that would do Ben Franklin himself proud!
Son, I'll give you a dollar for that kite.
Okay, General Washington!
Got change for a hundred?
Nope. So long, sucker!
Why you...
Now, Spike, do we have any of those eagle suits left?
[CHATTERING]
Spike!
The fate of the American Eagle depends on you!
[CHATTERING]
[GASPS]
Okay, but you're buying next week's groceries!
[CHATTERING]
And none of that bananas and spider trail mix junk either.
[GASPS]
I'm gonna pluck those turkeys.
At exactly : p.m.
those eagles are going to do their business all over the President.
And who's gonna look good?
Us, and the turkey!
[GOBBLES]
That's right.
[LAUGHING]
Less than one minutes.
You're the Eagle Squadron Leader, Spike!
Divert those eagles!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
What the...
Oopsie.
Uh-oh.
[SCREAMING]
[CHATTERING]
Yes!
Operation, Scenic Route.
Alrighty then!
Ha ha!
Mission Accomplished, with a minute to spare!
-[CRASHES] -[GROANS]
What the?
Avast, ye scalawags!
Huh?
Uh-oh!
[GASPS]
[LAUGHING]
[GROANS]
The General wants more speed, son!
Yes, sir!
Must... Catch up...
To turkey float!
I can't make it go any faster, Cap'n!
The engines can't take the weight!
[LAUGHING]
[SHRIEKS]
[SHRIEKS]
[LAUGHING]
[GASPS]
Ramming speed!
[FARTING]
[GASPS]
The horror.
[SPLASHES]
Ew!
Officers, here's your man!
You can book him for attempting to soil our President,
messing with our national bird,
and disgracing one our finest founding fathers!
Only in America!
[SCREAMS]
Hey! That man's monkey made an attempt on the President's life!
But Mr. President sir, he's Ace Vent...
I don't care who he is!
After him!
Take care now.
Bye bye, then.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]