[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura...
Alrighty then.
♪ Pet Detective on the run...
[CACKLING]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
♪ Ace Ventura...
[LAUGHING]
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n...
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[BELLOWING]
[POLAR BEAR GASPS]
[CHIRPING]
[BLEATING]
-[ALLIGATOR GROWLING] -[SCREAMS]
-[HISSING] -[ROARING]
-♪ Ace Ventura... -[HORN HONKING]
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
♪ Pet Detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLING]
ACE: Oh, Lucy, I'm home!
Come to me jungle friends, for I have returned.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
[YAPPING]
Oh!
Hark!
The high-pitched warble of human suffering!
[BARKING LIKE A SEAL]
Stanley Ipkiss.
Gee, you're not stalking me, are you?
Listen, this is a little awkward,
I think you may have taken my mask.
Oh? And what's my motive?
Am I not already an "eleven" on the kook-o-meter?
Well, now, I... I didn't say you took it on purpose.
Haven't seen it.
How 'bout you, Spike?
[SHRIEKS]
Monkey no see.
Ace, you're a detective, man you gotta help me find it!
Well, I don't normally do masks, but...
Ace Ventura?
Pet Detective?
That would bemoi.
Suffice it to say, we're with...
-The government. -Uncle Sam wants you.
To find an animal, that is.
-Come with us. -[SPUTTERING IN FRUSTRATION]
This doesn't concern you, civilian.
Sorry Stan-man.
It looks like I'm out to lunch.
Oh, man.
Hey!
[SHRIEKS]
[SCREAMS]
This is Gordon.
As in "Flash."
Gordon is a specially-trained, highly-intelligent guinea pig.
He can recite the entire Elvis songbook backwards.
Gordon mysteriously vanished this morning.
We have no suspects or motives.
We only know where he was last seen.
Cape Canaveral?
No, outer space.
Reeheeheally.
Gordon last appeared on Deep Space Four.
In the Cabana Room.
You will rendezvous there at hours.
Since there's an animal in need,
gentlemen, I think you'll find I've got...
The right stuff.
[GRUNTS]
Ow!
I'm back!
♪ I don't know but I been told
♪ Find some shorts and grab a hold! ♪
Wedgie! [CACKLES]
Hands off the briefs, Bub
I don't want your undergarments,
I just want to see if the planets revolve around your moon.
Space ho!
[ALARM BLARING]
Smokin'!
Well, I guess it's okay if you come along.
But I get to be captain!
No, I do!
ACE: No I do!
MASK: No, I do!
They took the wrong shuttle!
Ground control, we have a situation.
Cosmic.
It's gonna be a long ride, green genes.
So break out the tunes.
Let's rock!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
This is Ground Control, come in.
Men, we have a situation.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Everybody!
♪ Bum bum bum bum bum ba! ♪
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
Must fight...
Urge... Conga not an option...
Danger.
Are they talking to us?
Uh, we are the only ones here.
Men, you've launched yourselves in a highly experimental shuttle.
The good news is, it can withstand a collision with a very large meteor.
BOTH: And the bad news?
You are on a collision course with a very large meteor.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Hey, I've got a plan, just before point of impact,
go zero gravity!
'Kay?
Ugh!
Bad plan.
Seat belts rule.
Spike, my survival kit!
Quickly, man!
No, I'm not hurt, spanks-for-asking.
We may be far from our planet, but nature still calls.
Ah.
[GNASHING]
Hmm?
Hmm. Hmm?
[ACE SCREAMING]
What'd you do, fall in?
Three little words, eat more fiber.
Monster!
[SCREAMING]
I shall slay the beast, forsooth and so forth!
It's not in there!
It's out here...
-Oh? -It's an alien!
An icky, filthy, gluteus-grabbing alien!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Gravy.
Two sidekicks, two cowards!
C'mon!
Leggo!
Off with you!
Mask, a little help here?
Well... Okay.
But I'm not touchin' it!
[GROANS]
I thought you weren't touching it.
I meant, your butt.
SPACELOVE:This is Deep Space Four, do you read me?
Like a swimsuit issue!
C'mere buddy, this thing gets the "Babe" channel!
The talking pig?
I love this one!
I'm Dr. Spacelove.
What's that behind you?
Behind me where?
Your crash-sight is within teleportation range.
Please remain perfectly still.
BOTH: Like this?
Or, suffer memory loss, genetic mutation,
massive internal hemorrhaging,
and other potential side effects.
Whoa!
Ahhh!
I'm misshapen, mutated, mutilated!
I'm not pretty anymore!
Psyche!
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, and freelance astronaut.
I've never been teleported.
It kind of tickles.
Welcome to Deep Space Four, Mr. Ventura.
Teleportation is just one of our many scientific advancements.
And guinea pigs who can recite the entire Elvis songbook backwards is another.
Uh-huh.
Please help me find Gordon, Mr. Ventura.
He is one of a kind.
I see you've met my assistant.
He's very...
Green.
He may be suffering from space-sickness.
The only thing I'm suffering from is the love bug.
You bring out the animal in me.
Hey! I can howl at the moon!
[HOWLING]
You're right.
He's got something, and I think it's mange.
[BOTH BARKING]
Look, we're not here to get lucky.
We're here to find a missing guinea pig, capisce?
Now, if you will, where was Gordon last seen?
Say, after I cr*ck this case,
how 'bout I dump the hired help
and we get to know each other over a glass of Tang?
I am sure that there's something behind you.
Whoo, you're a saucy one!
-Looks like an alien butt hugger. -What?
An alien viral outbreak could be catastrophic!
We don't know where it's been!
Code blue!
Hey, watch the do!
For you, my radiant celestial body.
Let us harmonically converge, planetarily align, constellate, get intimate.
Do you tango?
'Cause I'm a big dipper.
Hey, I'm the one who had emergency surgery!
Don't you just love how his nostrils flare when he's humiliated?
Oh, yeah, they do...
We have placed the alien in a test tube for analysis.
All right, all right up against the wall!
You're all suspects, no one leaves!
Now! Which one of you pointdexters
can tell me something about a guinea pig?
You know, you really shouldn't be up and around so soon.
Having an alien attached can give you weird side effects.
Yoo-hoo, Dr. Smith...
I think you've been watching too many sci-fi flicks.
Ahhh!
Chest-burster!
There's an alien inside me!
There's an alien inside me!
Bad monkey.
Now, shall we get back to the case.
[CHITTERS]
What is this?
This, is QC.
"Quewy" performs all labor functions,
from cooking, to cleaning, to feeding and grooming the guinea pig.
Ah-ha!
Spike, he's a suspect.
Stick to him like glue.
Guinea pig? Negative.
Monkey? Negative.
Junk? Affirmative.
Dispose, dispose, dispose.
-Dispose, dispose, dispose. -[SCREAMS]
So, do you know anyone who might have a motive to bump off Gordon?
-Ahhh! -Well!
Rock around my clock.
It's Bill Haley's comet!
The highly experimental cloning chamber hasn't been tested yet!
Maybe not, but my patience has.
Shall we be off to the crime scene already, then?
[CHUCKLES]
Do not go in there.
[SCREAMING]
[SNARLING]
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Help me!
Help me! Help me! Help...
Cockroach.
They have 'em in space, right?
Need I remind you there's an animal in jeopardy?
The least you could do is take this se-hee-hee-riously!
Okay, I'm serious, I'm serious, I'm serious, but first...
"But first" what?
Apparently, "But first" he had to become a pancake.
[GROWLS]
-Do not go in there, loser! -Ahhh!
Anti-wedgie underwear protection system.
Don't leave Earth without it,
Now...
What are these?
Refuse Pods.
We fill them with trash and then fire them into space.
They're bio-degradable.
I see.
Stand back! I'm about to be brilliant!
No one but my assistant and me
has come or gone since the disappearance
of one Gordon the guinea pig.
In fact, the only thing that's gone is space junk.
Thus, I posit that Gordon was put out with the trash!
[SHRIEKING]
Ahhh!
I submit, my own guinea pig, so to speak...
Currently illustrating my theory by recreating the crime.
Thus, the perpetrator, one QC, "Quewy" for short.
Was the motive malice?
I think not. A simple short circuit?
Let's find out.
Groom, feed, groom, feed, groom, feed.
[SHRIEKS]
Yes! Can you feel it?
Huh? Huh? Can ya?
Moonwalk!
But alas, my victory dance is half-hearted,
because somewhere out there, an animal is still in jeopardy.
Well, I hate to point this out, Skippy,
but the animal isn't the only one in jeopardy.
[SNARLING]
My, he's a growing boy.
[SNARLS]
I have an idea.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
Come to me, space friend!
He's gone!
Good.
More of you for me.
But alas, that's beside the point right now, for I must...
Avenge Ace Ventura's demise!
You know, you're very low on paper in there.
Time for a new roll.
But, but...
-The alien ate you! -Must've been my clone.
Uh...
Then I will avenge Ace Ventura's clone's demise!
[EXCLAIMS]
Oh, you vaporized him!
Uh, yeah.
That's what I did. I vaporized him.
[SCREAMS]
You saved us all.
I am so glad you're here to help us find our guinea pig.
I'll have to admit Dr. Spacelove,
The Mask is clearly better equipped to deal with this situation.
After all, he's got superpowers.
Why, that's mighty charitable of you to say so, my good man.
Whoo! Gotcha!
"Aloha,dirtbag!"
I don't recall anyone inviting him anyway.
Now, back to the guinea pig.
Your super-advanced space radar system
should enable you to track his whereabouts with ease.
Actually, it hasn't.
Which means either your theory is incorrect,
or Gordon disappeared into that black hole.
I see.
I am not going in there!
Nobody said anything about leaving the galaxy
by entering a concentration of matter so dense
that gravity collapses and human heads explode!
You have no choice! You agreed!
You agreed!
I can do it, but I need The Mask, he's got superpowers!
But I've got hair.
Well, if I'm not mistaken, someone is trying to pull me over.
It's like a really big lava lamp, man.
No! Hyperdrive is too much!
Shoulda filled the t*nk with decaf.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Yeah, yeah, I know, deja vu.
We found a planet.
But do we find the pig?
I suggest a little trick a friend from the planet Krypton
taught me, X-ray vision!
Huh.
[BOTH SCREAM]
How 'bout them dolphins, huh?
Eggs! [GASPS]
Alrighty then.
The guinea pigs refuse pod crash-landed here
and was taken by whomever or whatever
is the mother of these eggs as one of her own!
Stop stepping on my astro-turf, Jack!
I'm the pet detective, you're the superpower guy.
Now, if you don't mind,
animals like me better so I'll do the honors!
[HIDEOUS SCREECHING]
Okay, you do it.
[SCREAMING]
The mother of all butt-huggers!
A little something extra, for that rear guard protection.
We come in peace.
I am King Poseidon, from the planet Neptune.
And I am his friend, from the planet Uranus.
[SCREAMS] That'll leave a fracture!
[SCREAMING]
Hey, what's this doing here?
It looks nothing like you!
Must not be yours, so can I go now?
I don't need no stinking intergalactic translator helmet
to tell me they're speaking the universal language of "Feed me!"
Oop! Spoke too soon.
[SCREAMS]
Whoa!
Gee, that's...
Quite a sensation.
Sssssssssmokin'!
Cover me partner, I'll bring up the rear!
[SNARLING]
[SHOUTING]
-Wedgie! -[GRUNTS]
Huh?
Gee, it was a delightful collaboration...
Now, get it off!
Spank you.
Let's bring this party to a close!
But first, and I do mean butt first...
[GASPS]
I know where it's been, I know where it's been, I know where it's been!
-Disinfect, disinfect, disinfect. -Uh, Mask...
Mask... Mask!
[SNARLING]
She wants to bet it all on the bonus round!
Here's a little astronomy lesson I call,
the Big Bang Theory!
[EXPLODING]
[GROANS]
Tell her what she's won, H.A.L!
H.A.L:Our contestant will receive the use of a rental space cruiser for one year,
a long-range galactic satellite transponder
and a lifetime supply of space food sticks.
I'll never forget you.
Either of you.
Aw, shucks...
Twern't nuthin'.
BOTH: Alone, at last.
[CHUCKLING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]