Everyone longs
For a home of their own
What a heaven
on earth it would be
Many may sigh
for castles of stone
Still there's only
one love nest for me
Just a little white house
With the little green blinds
At the end of Honeymoon Lane
Just a little white gate
At the end
Of Honeymoon Lane
[eerie rock music playing]
[phone ringing]
- [Mr. Hill] Hello?
- [Mason] Mr. Hill.
How are we doing today?
[Mr. Hill] Okay
until you called.
[Mason] Listen, I know you
have some minor concerns
about the '07 that
you saw the other day,
but trust me, nothing
to worry about.
I've even had the GM
himself vouch for this.
[Mr. Hill] I think it's
more the fact that Jerry
has the same model
for three grand less.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Trust me, you don't
want to go to Jerry's.
You know how much
their processing fee is?
It's quite... no, it's three
times as much as ours.
[Mr. Hill] Well, I
don't know about that,
but the price is still lower.
[Mason] They keep
their prices so low
so they can take
advantage of you
on the other charges.
Not just the processing fee,
aftermarket, finance upselling.
Look, we don't do that here.
Everyone on my sales team
takes integrity very seriously.
[Mr. Hill] And you can vouch
that this wasn't in an accident?
[Mason] I'm looking at
the paperwork right now.
[Mason sighs]
[Mr. Hill] Let me check if I
have an open day this week.
[Mason] No, no, no, just come
in today on your lunch break.
It's very casual,
no commitments.
[Mr. Hill] Okay, okay.
I guess I could
stop by around one?
Wonderful.
Looking forward to it.
Wish me luck.
Uh, aren't you
forgetting something?
Destroying the hard copy.
That's what I got you for.
- No, what about tonight?
- Yeah, don't worry about it.
I won't be home
late. I'll call you.
So you wouldn't believe
how this bad boy got to us.
I mean, every lot in
town was fighting for it,
just for the trade.
It was used in
movies. Bollywood.
I'm not big into movies.
Well, the next owner, I mean,
he had this thing
really souped up.
Cat-Back exhaust.
Custom cylinder heads.
- I mean, we're talking...
- Look, Jason.
Mason.
Mason, it's not for
me. I don't drive.
It's a graduation
gift for my son.
Oh. Well, it's still good
information to have.
Look, the price. I'm
glad that you matched it.
But Jerry is saying
his VIN report is clean,
and this one is damaged.
Way ahead of you.
I did some digging, and I
found the original paperwork.
So whatever you saw
was probably just a mistake.
[engine revs up]
M-A-S-O-N,
I don't know how you do it.
Mason.
- You look happy.
- [Mason chuckles]
Another satisfied customer,
and somewhere one
more angel loses its wings.
Well, I hope the
brakes hold up. [sighs]
I got a call today.
You delivered
two vans last week.
Yeah, the two
12-passengers. You know.
Uh, I know they were
supposed to be wholesaled.
Yeah, but those
governmental types,
they always overpay.
You see the gross on it?
Mason, you sold two
junkyard pieces of shit
as accessible rides
for the city's disabled
workforce fleet.
Sounds like you plagiarized
that from an official letter.
They're threatening
to shut me down.
Hey, i... it'll blow
over. It always does.
Mason.
In the past,
I've been able to
overlook your shenanigans.
But lately you've been
making it very difficult.
And now this.
I can't do it.
Boss, I can sell anything.
Isn't that what you want?
That's what I am here for.
Mason, I'm sorry.
I don't see any
way out of this one.
Someone's head's got to roll,
and it ain't gonna be mine.
["Happy on My Own"
by Kyle Cox playing]
I'm happy on my own
Making coffee just for one
And eating
breakfast all alone
Fewer dishes to be done
[car horn honks]
I'm never running behind
[door creaks open]
You're never on my mind
No longer there to
make me comb my hair
Hey, babe. What
you doing over there?
What day is it, Mason?
Tuesday?
Oh, just an average Tuesday?
Not our anniversary at all, huh?
Oh, no. Uh, yes.
I... I called Gino's,
but they didn't have
a table available.
So I was just
gonna defer to you...
Oh, f*ck you, Mason.
You know, your
bullshittery might work
on your dumbass customers,
but I see right through you.
- No, babe...
- Don't "babe" me.
Come on, I had a hell of a day.
You and all your excuses.
- It never ends.
- No, but this is a good one.
Oh, a good one.
That'll be the day.
And by the way, how
drunk are you right now?
Wait, just listen. [sighs]
I... I... I'm sorry,
Alison, but I...
I kinda sorta lost my job today.
You lost your job?
[sighs] Yeah.
You're joking. How?
I lost it.
So what, you were
standing around
and all of a sudden it was
like, "Hey, where'd my job go?"
Well, look, it wasn't
exactly like I...
"I could have sworn I had
my job right here in my pocket."
Well, if I could just
explain myself...
"Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's go on a scavenger
hunt for your job."
- No, please.
- "Hello, job, you in there?"
Come on, this isn't helping.
No, wait, maybe there's
a job inside this one.
Alison!
Look, do you still
want to go to Gino's?
Maybe we can get
mozzarella sticks.
[hiccups]
[sighs]
Fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, let's go.
You sure? Should I change?
No, let's go. Just like this.
Okay.
Hey, maybe you should
actually drive, you know?
[door clicks closed]
Come on, Alison.
You... you're not
kicking me out, are you?
Where am I supposed to go?
You can talk your
way out of anything.
You'll figure it out.
Wh... what about
all of my stuff?
No, don't do that.
No, come on. What...
Come on, Alison.
Wha... No, those are nice suits.
Get the f*ck off my
property, and out of my life.
Alison.
Alison!
[somber jazz music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
[whimsical music playing]
[phone ringing]
- [David] Hello?
- Hey, Brian, how are...
- [David] It's David.
- David.
[chuckles] My... my bad.
My contacts, man,
they're really messed up.
Uh, anyway, long time no speak.
Hey, listen, I have a
really big favor to ask.
I was wondering if
you might have a couch
that I could crash on
for a few days because...
[phone clicks]
Oh, no, that's fine.
That's fine, yeah,
take care. No worries.
Hi, saw you're looking
for a sales expert.
- [woman] Thank you.
- [Mason laughs]
Absolutely, I can sell anything.
What is it that you guys...
[woman] We sell
decorative paper.
- Decorative paper?
- [woman] That's right.
Yeah, f*ck it, I can...
Uh, just tell me
when to come in.
[woman] Unpaid internship.
- I'm sorry, what?
- [woman] Unpaid.
Unpaid internship.
- Hello, Jordan?
- [Jordan] Hey.
- Hello. How you doing?
- Hey.
How are... Uh,
yeah, I'm... I'm great.
Um, actually, I'm not great.
Listen, Alison...
Alison kicked me out again.
This time for good, I think.
- [Jordan] Oh, yeah, I get it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, and I was wondering if
you had a couch or something
that I might be able to
crash on for a few days.
That would really be helpful.
Jordan?
Hello, Jordan?
m*therf*cking God, bitch,
son of a f*cking
whore, piece of shit!
[birds chirping]
[whimsical music playing]
[quiet hum of distant chatter]
[sighing and grunts]
Mint?
Sure.
[Mr. Bendt] "McGinness, Mr."
Do you like money,
McGinness, Mr.?
Has anyone in this chair
ever told you otherwise?
There have been more
than a few in that chair.
Better wash those pants.
Mr. Bendt, with all due respect,
I've been in sales
for a long time.
I know how this works.
Power in numbers,
survival of the fittest.
What is your deepest fear?
I don't know. I... I'd
have to think about it.
Mine? Dying alone.
But then I always keep a roll
of hundreds in bed by my side.
Also, spiders.
Trust me, I don't need
the extra motivation.
Well, a self-motivated fella.
I have agents in this office
looking to take on as
much inventory as they can.
But that's not how
you'll succeed here.
You need the right property,
and I need the right man.
- You sold real estate before?
- Briefly.
I... I sold condos
for about ten years
before I got into selling cars.
You're a buyer's agent.
I need a seller's agent.
Mr. Bendt,
I've pretty much
sold everything,
and believe me, I'm
up to the challenge.
- [phone beeps]
- Cindy, hold all my calls.
Well, McGinness...
you just might be in luck.
I have some of the most
unsellable properties
in this state.
One of 'em, the
foundation's being rebuilt.
It sank.
Morons built it on
a f*cking swamp.
The other one...
this one...
well, it has a history
that turns people off.
What kind of history?
Oh, you know, people talk.
Had it so long, I own the deed.
Can't even give away
any of the furniture.
Furniture? Like, a bed?
[Mr. Bendt chuckles]
You can't even give away
any of the old lady's stuff.
It's money going
down the shitter.
What's the offer?
[sighs] For that one...
35%.
Shit.
Full partner.
You see, I'm serious here.
I don't want to have
anything to do with that place.
I want it gone yesterday.
Well, you could always just
burn it to the ground, right?
Well, I'm not sure.
But given your enthusiasm,
you just might be
the man for the job.
[Mr. Bendt sighs]
All right, McGinness,
we'll give it a shot.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.
Um, I can get started today,
uh, get a feel for the place,
the layout, uh,
sleeping quarters.
I'll have Cindy set you up with
the paperwork and the keys.
Thank you. I won't let you down.
[Mr. Bendt] Hey.
You never told
me your worst fear.
Failure.
[chuckles]
I think in time,
you're gonna be a little
more imaginative than that.
[energetic music playing]
[birds chirping]
Jeez, no wonder no one's buying.
[eerie music playing]
[door creaking]
[low droning]
[floor creaking]
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[tense music building]
[doorknob creaking]
[tense music building]
[angelic music playing]
[exhales deeply] Oh, yeah.
We can work with this.
One, two, three, four
["Blow off Some Steam"
by Ben Bostick playing]
Well, I've been
holding it in
Since I clocked
in Monday morning
Come the end of the
week I'm about to blow
We walk into the h*nky-tonk
like a pack of wolves now
Order up a round of
sh*ts and it's away we go
It's a throwdown
hoedown get down
Order up another
round of sh*ts
Gonna get drunk,
get some, have fun
Get into some trouble,
baby, like it or not
I'm a Jim Beam-drinking,
paycheck slinging
La-la-line dancing machine
It's been a helluva week
And I need to
blow off some steam
Guitar
[camera shutter clicking]
[camera shutter clicking]
Gotta blow off some steam
Perfect.
B-b-blow
Hello?
[gas hissing]
[blows raspberry]
[metal thudding]
[sniffing]
Oh, shit.
[groans in pain]
f*ck. [exhales sharply]
[groaning in pain]
[sizzling]
[sighs]
Hmm.
World's most powerful oven.
I'll be sure to include that.
[crickets chirping]
[water trickling]
[Mason groans]
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
[electric buzzing]
Hello?
[scoffs] Bad wiring, too?
"Beautiful country..."
No. No.
"Rustic home..."
"Idyllic abode,
will turn heads.
Will take your breath away."
It sounds like you're
selling a damn car.
"Beautiful, idyllic abode...
will remind you
of what the good
life is supposed to be.
A house is more than a home,
it's a place where
we raise our families.
We start with
the center of it all,
mom, whose warm
essence is a calm reminder
that everything
will be all right.
And then there's dad, a beacon
who will always,
always be there.
And the children...
oh, the children,
the siblings you can
forever depend on.
A connection for which
friendship is no substitute.
When we think of a
house, we think of love.
And when I think
of you in this house,
what I see above all else
is that feeling right here.
You know it when you see it.
And I look at you and I see it.
You in this home.
So eat my f*cking ass,
and let's party up this bitch."
[eerie music playing]
[sighing deeply]
Sometimes I can't
believe my own luck.
[crickets chirping]
[door creaking]
[sniffles]
[light switch clicking]
[groans]
[sighs]
[rustling noises]
[tense music building]
[paper rustling]
Who's there?
[music intensifies]
[music distorts]
[quiet thuds]
[thunder rumbling]
[panting]
[groans]
Prospective client already?
Let's do it, huh? Let's do it!
[energetic brass music plays]
I slit a sheet, a sheet I
slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Unique New York,
unique New York,
unique New York,
unique New York.
Hello, folks, I'm
Mason McGinnis.
But you can call me Mase.
Hello, folks, I'm Mason.
Beautiful home, isn't it?
Hi f...
[knocking on door]
Hi, fucks... uh,
folks. [chuckles]
You must be the Andersons.
Alderson. I'm Jean.
Ted Delancy. Jean's agent.
Excellent. Well, I'm
Mason. Please, come on in.
I've got such
sights to show you.
Let me just get
some lights on, and...
It's... it's probably
just a bad bulb.
Or five.
But actually,
maybe that's better.
This way you can see how
unnecessary electricity is
in a house with
such ample sunshine.
It was built with that in mind.
Um, please, follow me.
As you can see, this
space is quite open.
Very welcoming.
Is this an original wood stove?
Yes, it's an 1812 original iron.
[clears throat] Um, a
house is more than a home.
It's a place where
we raise our families.
And we start with
the center of it all.
[Ted] Chicken?
Or turkey?
Oh, well, um,
a... actually, this
is a great furnace
for a rotisserie spit.
Mm, nothing quite like
sitting back with a loved one
on a chilly winter's evening
while you're roasting
a really big chicken.
Surely there's a
kitchen for that.
- [rumbling]
- [metallic clanking]
Kitchen. Follow me.
[laughs nervously] Uh,
sometimes birds
can get stuck in there.
What with the flue having that,
um, classic old-time
narrow design.
- What's in this room?
- [lock clicks]
Um, storage.
Can we take a look?
I'm actually missing
the key for that,
but I will be happy to get you
some old photos from the office
and forward them to you.
Hey.
Hey, uh, you know,
why don't we go
check out the rest?
I think we are finally going
to have that "wow" moment.
Oh, and there's a really
nice reading room in here, too.
Maybe... Oh! Oh!
[clattering]
Were those chairs
always in that spot before?
Yes.
Actually, uh, yeah, I
put those chairs there
so I could, uh, remind myself
to show you this
room on the way out.
But, uh... [chuckles]
really, you gotta see
the master bedroom first.
So please, follow me.
Anyway, uh, here we go.
Brace yourselves.
I love this room.
It faces west,
so you get that beautiful
sunset glow coming through.
And a brand new rug
for those snug nights
when you want to just, uh...
unexpectedly
wake up on the floor.
- [faint scratching]
- I'm sorry, what?
- [faint scratching]
- Do you hear that?
[Ted] Yeah.
It's like, a scratching.
Oh, probably
just the central air.
Few things better in a
home than central air.
It sounds like it's
coming from the closet.
[faint scratching]
[sighs]
[ominous music plays]
Yeah, uh, yeah.
This is more of an
old-time vanity or a...
an armoire.
- Hey!
- Oh, so... I'm sorry.
Um, that's probably just...
[lock rattling]
it's just drafty,
you know, it's...
[Mason grunts]
[Mason grunts]
Yeah, like I said,
uh, central air.
So, technically,
it's a smart home!
The furniture knows
exactly when to move itself!
I'm sorry, folks, I'm
way off my game today.
This house is a steal. Really.
Don't let my bumbling
get in the way
- of such a great opportunity.
- Thanks, but no thanks.
[car engine revs]
[phone rings]
Bendt.
Hello, Mr. Bendt?
Ho... how are you, sir?
Ah, McGinness, Mr. How
is everything going?
Going? Well, going well.
Uh, well, that's
why I'm calling.
Uh, is there something
going on here?
Like what?
Yeah, either there's someone
messing with me in this house,
or, uh, I don't know,
maybe it's just really
drafty all the time?
Sounds to me like
what people call ghosts.
Sorry?
[coughing] Ghosts! Ghosts!
[laughs] Come on.
What is this, some
kind of initiation?
Oh, to tell you the truth,
it's all a bunch of hooey.
Sometimes when
these houses are built,
they're built in a way that
causes optical illusions.
[laughs]
Uh, you know, it's an old house.
Optical illusions?
Ah, but it's understandable
because of what happened there.
Too many murders in there.
That's why it's so
damn hard to sell.
Look, just give me a chance
to run with the big dogs.
Any prime listing
and I will sell it faster,
I will sell it for more,
and I will work for less.
I enjoy your enthusiasm
and zest for life.
However, I should remind you,
you're not technically
working for me.
You're an
independent contractor.
Which reminds me,
I'll need that W-9 form
as soon as possible.
[determined drum music plays]
[Mason] Haunted
house? No such thing.
There's haunted dreams,
haunted relationships,
haunted memories.
Heights barely reached,
roads never taken.
I can do this.
Haunted house, my ass!
Who's in here?
Come on out! I know
someone's f*ckin' around!
All right, haunted house.
Let's see if you can go
toe-to-toe with big Mase.
[upbeat music playing]
[chuckles]
Suck it, ghosts.
[crickets chirping]
[dial tone ringing]
- [Alison] What?
- Hi, hey, how are you?
[sighs] What do you want?
I just wanted to hear
the sound of your voice.
[sighs] Okay, listen to this.
f*ck off!
Alison, will you please
just listen, just one minute?
[sighs] Go.
Okay, so I know I've
made some mistakes.
Actually, I've made
a lot of mistakes.
But I want you to know
that I've got a new job,
new accommodations,
and I'm back on my feet,
and more determined than ever.
Life has always
thrown me curveballs,
and I've always managed
to hit it out of the park.
Are you for real?
Yeah, definitely.
Well, not always
out of the park,
but at least a
double or a single.
Mason...
To be honest, this
place is starting to
feel like more of a bunt.
But the point is, there is
no striking out over here.
You don't get it, do you?
What?
[sighs] I should've
known from the start.
All that shit with your mom.
My mom? Why are you
bringing her into this?
You know what you did.
I kept my mom from being
homeless is what I did.
You stole a lot of money
and got stripped
of your licenses.
Hey, she was in trouble.
I did what I had to do.
You didn't do it for her!
You did it for yourself.
She wound up in a
nursing home anyway.
And then you got caught,
and now all you can do
are these shitty little hustles.
You don't care who
gets screwed over
as long as your ego
doesn't get pricked.
- Alison, I...
- [phone buzzes]
- [ominous chord]
- [gasps]
Hello?
[eerie music playing]
Uh, Alison? Uh...
if you could maybe find it in
your heart to please forgive me,
we could continue
building a life together again.
Look, you sold
me on a better life.
But... it was just an empty box.
So...
consider me swindled too.
[somber music playing]
No. Don't look
at it. Don't look.
All right, come on out!
[dramatic music playing]
I know someone's
f*ckin' with me!
You think you're
pretty clever, huh?
f*ck! g*dd*mn it! Dang it!
[panting]
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[eerie music playing]
[Mason's mom] Mason?
I don't want to.
Don't make me go.
Mom?
[music intensifies]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
[gasps]
[screaming]
[groans]
[high-pitched music playing]
[music fades]
I need to start taking it easy.
- Oh, shit.
- [energetic drum music playing]
I slit a sheet, a sheet I
slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
[birds chirping]
Hi, guys. How we doing today?
That right there is a...
silver maple.
A rare deciduous.
Is that so?
Hi. Uh, the name's Mason.
[clears throat]
Can I, uh, help you
guys with anything?
Show you around?
Saw that the place is for sale.
Very much for sale.
Couldn't be more for sale.
And at a very low
price, too, I might add.
Such a beautiful place.
Why would anyone give this up?
Oh, the current owners
are expecting again.
Unexpectedly outgrown.
But their fortune might
favor your fortune,
because this here is
truly the perfect place
for that couple looking
to take their lives
to the next stage.
What stage is that?
Whatever stage
you want it to be.
Well... aren't you going to ask?
Ask?
Can we see the inside?
Of course. Follow me.
A little chillier
than usual today,
but fortunately we have this.
An original
hand-carved wood stove
that will warm
you up real quick.
- Lovely.
- Do you folks like cooking?
I think the previous owners
used this as a smoker.
That sounds like a fun idea.
Do you know the one thing I
keep hearing clients are looking for
in a new home?
- Closet space.
- A drink.
A new oven.
Maybe you can
show us the bedroom?
Yes, of course. Uh,
please, follow me.
I am telling you, I really love
the amount of
sunlight this room gets.
Little hot in here,
don't you think?
Well, once the central air hits,
we're talking lap of
luxury level comfort.
[clears throat]
Still a few mechanical
bugs to be worked out,
but that will be taken
care of, not to worry.
[scratching]
- What do you think?
- Stop.
I... I'm sorry, can I
get you something?
I'm sorry. My eczema.
Oh. Right.
It would just be easier
if I could get medication.
Well, it's expensive.
And yet here we
are, buying a house.
You know what?
Why don't you go take a
look inside that kitchen?
I'm just gonna show
her the, uh, new oven.
Hi, Mrs...
Uh, actually, I don't even
think I got your names.
[Alice] I like this.
The... the kitchen?
[Alice] Yeah.
It's... familiar.
Yeah. Sure, yeah.
It's got some really great
carpentry work over here,
- and then what I really like...
- [sobbing]
Oh, jeez, I'm... I'm sorry.
He... hey, I know
it's not my place,
but is there
anything I could do?
[sniffles]
No, it's okay.
Sometimes...
being married is hard.
You get on each
other's nerves, and...
you worry about
reaching a day where...
one of us will say
the wrong thing, and...
sometimes I have
these fantasies...
[eerie music playing]
where I beat him to it.
Like...
before he can hurt me.
Like, maybe when
he's in the shower,
I just take a knife and...
Hey...
maybe you can help me.
Could you?
Maybe you could sneak me
away before things get really bad.
Maybe you could fix it.
I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just...
I'm just here to sell the house.
[laughs] Of course.
I'm sorry. I'm
just trying to deal.
I'm sorry. I hope I
didn't frighten you.
[ominous chord]
[music intensifies]
After you.
[screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
"Looking for someone
with special abilities.
A... psychic."
[birds chirping]
[upbeat Latin music
playing over speakers]
Are you Claire?
Thank you so much
for responding. Uh...
So, uh, where do
we start? [chuckles]
You've done this before, right?
I don't normally
meet up like this.
Oh.
How do you normally do it?
- [fly buzzing]
- I don't.
[mug clattering]
So... so you're psychic, right?
Medium.
What's that?
You don't know what a medium is?
Something between
a small and large?
A psychic can't do what I do.
Look, I'm not
gonna sugarcoat it.
And just so you
know, you're talking to
a Willy Wonka-caliber
sugarcoater over here.
Sugar?
Uh... [clears throat]
I have a house
I'm trying to sell,
and I need to come to some
type of agreement with...
the... the current occupants.
I don't do eviction notices.
I'm not a public notary.
Notary public.
Okay, Dad.
Uh... uh, this house
has a... a bit of...
[chuckles] ...history.
Uh, apparently anyone
that moves in kind of sort of
ends up dead.
Kinda sorta dead?
Well, more like m*rder*d.
k*ll or be k*lled.
Or you k*ll yourself.
That is a problem.
Yeah.
Uh...
apparently this has been
going back a while, and...
- Could you maybe not do that?
- No one tells me what to do.
I... I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Please. Please.
I'm occasionally disingenuous.
Occasionally very, very often.
But not now. I need you.
Please. Can you help me?
I didn't tell you
how ugly that tie is.
Clients like it.
I thought the clients were dead.
Only some are dead.
I think.
How much will you pay me?
Well, I'll have you know I'm
expecting a bit of a windfall
after this transaction.
This is a freebie?
I'll make sure that
you're taken care of.
I may be full of shit
with my customers,
but ask anyone
I've ever worked for,
I will die for you
in the foxhole.
I don't even know why I'm here.
To be honest, it's been a while
since I've done
something like this.
But you can do it.
Growing up, I could see things.
Hear thoughts that
used to be there.
[eerie music playing]
Sometimes the things were evil.
What'd you do?
Burned the fucker down.
Kidding.
Look...
if you pay attention,
open up to them...
they will talk back.
If you believe,
you can get them to come out.
Maybe even get them to leave.
But having gasoline on hand
probably isn't a
bad idea either.
[exhales]
f*ck it. I'll help you.
[laughs] Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I will do whatever
I can for you.
Just lose the tie.
[upbeat jazz music playing]
[music concludes]
Hi, Claire.
This it?
Yeah. Come on in.
What, uh... Do you see anything?
Yeah, some brain
matter right there.
What's with the crosses?
Uh, I don't know.
I thought maybe
"the power of Christ
compels you" or something.
Just trying to help.
What's the activity?
Knocking, hearing
voices, moving furniture?
All of the above.
Apparitions?
Have you seen ghosts?
- Oh, yeah.
- Where?
All over.
Kitchen, hallways, bedroom.
Let's see the bedroom.
Ridiculous.
[faint scratching]
- You hear that?
- Yeah.
[scratching continues]
[tense music playing]
You're right, though.
Something is...
[ominous chord]
Yeah, that's right, be-yotch!
Door stopper.
We'll do it in here.
Tonight.
[spooky music playing]
You think I should
turn off the central air?
It does provide a
lot of movement.
Stop.
No one wants to
hear about central air.
Okay.
Oh!
What's that?
Garlic.
Do you have
f*cking vampires too?
Sorry, first sance.
- Hands on the table, bro.
- All right, okay.
Close your eyes.
No peeking.
[music fades]
I'm listening.
[eerie music building]
We know you're here.
Speak to me.
- [table rattling]
- We're here to help.
I'm here to help.
Show yourself.
Show yourself.
[faint, disembodied whispering]
There's someone here.
Who?
Who's here?
[whooshing]
Claire?
Claire?
Hello?
[door creaking]
Claire?
Who are you?
[whispering] Scarlett.
Sc... Sc... Scar... Scarlett,
you... you have to leave.
This is not your house anymore.
[shrieks, grunts]
Claire, get rid of her!
[disembodied whispering]
[wailing]
[whispering continues]
[rattling]
This is not your house.
[deep voice] We are many.
You are none.
Claire, snap out of it.
[grunts]
[gasps, exhales]
Second bedroom.
Sorry.
[tense music building]
The very first murders
were in this room.
Two little girls.
By their own father.
Never allowed to grow up.
Doomed to this place.
Everyone who lives here
made to suffer as they did.
What about Scarlett?
Scarlett was the last.
And the angriest.
It needs more ghosts.
Yeah, but I need to
get rid of the ghosts.
[Claire] This house...
likes you.
Knows you'll feed it.
Me? Why me?
[Claire] Because...
you only care about yourself.
[scoffs] Well,
that's a load of crap.
I care about lots of
stuff. I care about people.
But right now, you know
what I really care about?
Selling this g*dd*mn house.
[roars]
No, stop it! Stop that!
[Claire growling]
No! No!
- [Claire roars]
- No, Claire!
- [roars]
- Claire! Claire, stop it!
This door is probably
very expensive.
[growling]
Claire! Stop being
possessed! It's a total clich!
Claire, stop!
[Claire] Mason?
Mason, they're gone,
but only for a moment.
We have to go now.
I'm sorry.
They don't want me to leave.
We have to go
before they're back.
[sobbing]
It... it's okay. It's okay.
[snarling]
Ooh!
[Claire groans]
[gasps]
Oh, shit!
Uh... oh, man.
Uh... think, think, think. Um...
okay, you're a m*rder*r, and
you need to hide a body. Uh...
No. No. You're not a m*rder*r.
This was an accident. It
was clearly an accident.
Just call 911 and tell
'em what happened.
You just picked up a young
girl you met on Craigslist,
and you brought
her over to your home
in the middle of nowhere,
and she wound up
dead in the bedroom.
Okay, you're
definitely a m*rder*r,
and you need to hide the
body while you sort things out.
Think!
[eerie music playing]
[Mason grunting]
[panting]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Okay.
Let's just get this to
the car. It's just clothes.
It's fine. No one's gonna see.
One...
two...
- three.
- [banging on door]
[intense music playing]
Who is it?
[Mr. Bendt] Police. Open up.
Okay. Okay.
I deserve it.
Aw, McGinness, Mr.
I'm just f*ckin' with
you. Good morning!
Oh, uh, g... good morning.
What are you, um...
What do I owe the pleasure?
Well, I thought I'd drop
in on my way to the office.
[sighs] How's everything going?
Progressing.
Great.
Let's have a gander.
Well, this is a new one.
You a religious man, McGinness?
Uh, yes. Yes.
Actually, I know, you know,
this being the Bible Belt
and all, that this
might look attractive
to the, uh, evangelical crowd.
Fascinating.
Well, I'm glad you're
thinking outside of the box,
but maybe spread some of
those crosses around or something.
Of course.
Uh, Mr. Bendt, can I
get you anything to drink?
A water?
Wait.
There's a plumbing issue.
Did I ever tell you how I came
into possession of this house?
You...
lost a bet?
Precisely.
Well, I guess you
ruined my favorite story.
Wait, the...
[tense music playing]
[music stops]
[Mr. Bendt] Well, let's go
look at the old lady's room.
What in God's grand
buck happened in here?
Oh, uh, our sense of
smell is tied to memory,
and, uh, buyers,
they love a scent
that takes them back
in time, mm-hmm.
Tell me, you seen
any weird shit in here?
Ghosts?
Me?
I've never seen it.
Every time I come here,
it's the same ugly old house.
But that's what the
people always say.
Voices.
Weird shit.
Too many deaths
in here, I guess.
But you can't blame them.
Did you know that every time
there's more than one
person dwelling in this house,
one of them goes crazy
and murders the others?
Wives, kids... k*lled.
Isn't that something?
You seen any murders
in this house, McGinness?
[tense music]
[laughs]
Don't be such a doof. It's
all just a big coincidence.
Come on, let's go.
Well, nobody's died here yet,
so everything looks
peachy keen to me.
Just do me a favor
and clean out all that
sex orgy candle stuff
before your next prospect.
Certainly. Clear it out today.
And thank you for stopping by.
I'll make sure to
keep you updated.
Actually, let me take a
look in here really quick.
Oh, no. This room
is fine. Trust me.
- [tense music]
- Oh, yeah? Then let me see it.
Y... You don't
need to go in there.
And why is that?
Ghosts?
Jesus H. Christ.
Good night.
Smells like
something died in here.
This yours?
What's in this?
Dirty laundry.
[music stops]
You're into some
weird shit, McGinness.
But actually, you're
the kind of person
I've needed all along.
Clean this place
up, for Christ's sake.
And get some
more bodies in here.
The place ain't
gonna sell itself.
[melancholic music playing]
[breathing shakily]
[sobbing]
[police siren blaring]
[siren fading]
[sighs]
[dramatic sting]
Last chance, Mason.
[exclaims]
[faint rustling]
[ominous music plays]
[music stops]
Hey! Is this...
Be gone! Gone with you, demon!
Sycamore?
Yeah, maybe. What's it to you?
It's very nice.
Let me see the
back of your head.
Okay.
Why, is there a
leaf or something?
Um... [clicks tongue]
you busy cleaning?
I'd love to check
out the inside.
Well, this is it. Another
sausage is made.
Where the bodies are buried.
Makes for a good spot to
incinerate one's problems.
Probably should
have thought of that.
I've read that these grounds
have a bit of a sordid history.
It's a bit of an understatement.
I'm into it.
Little added character.
- Makes for some fun stories.
- Wait!
And maybe best of all...
makes for low property value.
[scoffs] Dude, come on.
Let's drop the
charade, all right?
- I gotta get back to...
- I'll take it.
What?
I'll take it.
You mean, buy it?
You want to? Just like that?
[hopeful music plays]
I've already seen the specs.
I already know the history.
Look, I definitely
didn't come out here
to lose it to another buyer.
Why, is there anything
else I should know?
[laughs]
Single guy like you? You?
What was your name again?
You're single, right? [chuckles]
Yeah, but, uh...
It's Jim.
Jim. Jimmy. [laughs]
Sir James.
You know, Jim, a house
is more than a home.
It is a place where
we forge our own trails.
We begin our own adventures.
- [both chuckle]
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Take care.
It was really great meeting you.
Aw, you too, man.
[music turns ominous]
[music fades]
[colleagues applauding]
And you should have no
misgivings depositing it.
- Thank you so much.
- Partner.
[both laugh]
Oh, no, thank you.
You've done the unthinkable.
And as an extra special
token of my appreciation...
- I don't smoke, though.
- You never know.
You could come across
some fuzzy paperwork
that probably should be burned.
So, what's next?
Next? Oh, new challenges await.
Unique properties to sell.
A robust rental market.
The trappings of
office, fame and politics.
Get this.
Cindy's stapler's gone missing.
No, no, I mean, what
is next for... [stutters]
You know what? Forget it.
Oh, buck up, boy.
Don't you want to
hear how I lost that bet?
Sure.
Most f*cked-up poker
game I ever played.
The winner wins the
deed to the house.
What I didn't know, though,
was that he lost the
game on purpose.
On account of the
deed being cursed.
You see?
Whoever owns the deed
owes the house lives.
Remember those
nightmares you had?
Well, every time the
house was hungry,
I had them, too.
Until I could give it
to someone to take,
so to speak.
Usually a random,
overconfident salesman would do.
Until you came along.
And wouldn't you know it?
You actually sold the damn
thing and escaped with your life.
Now, that poor sap has the deed.
And he'll pass it to
someone else when he dies.
[ominous music play]
[upbeat guitar instrumental]
[phone vibrating]
Hello?
Hey, Mase. It's Jim.
Oh. [chuckles nervously]
Hey, how are you?
Uh... uh, everything adequate?
Yeah. Adequate.
Uh, bit of a k*ller headache
the last couple days.
Oh. Not feeling well?
No, I'm sure it's nothing.
But I am calling because
there's a little issue.
Okay, Jim. I'm going
to be honest with you.
Uh, you might need
to do some exorcising.
Exorcising?
Yeah. Candles.
And you want to get
a really good priest
because mediums
might not be as effective.
Okay.
I haven't the faintest clue
what you're talking about.
This is about the bedrooms?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Yeah, well, I'm thinking
there might be an
infestation upstairs.
You know, my daughter's heard
a lot of scratching
on the walls.
- And...
- [footsteps tapping over phone]
Just the other night,
I started to hear it in
the big bedroom, too.
Daughter? Your... your daughter?
I know this happens sometimes.
But I don't know
the first person to call
about something like that, so...
Wait, wait. I'm
sorry. Your family?
You... you have a family
living with you at that house?
Yeah. My daughter's
here with me.
But, uh, you know... [chuckles]
I don't think she knows
a contractor, either.
She's seven.
Uh, yeah, I will, uh...
I'll think about it.
Yeah, well.
We might switch rooms anyway.
She couldn't get a wink of sleep
in there the last couple nights.
Monster under the bed, you know?
- [objects clattering loudly]
- Hey!
Knock it off!
[softly] Oh, shit.
[sighs] Sorry.
It's the headache. [sighs]
Mason? You still there?
Yes. Yeah, I'll... I'll
figure something out.
Great.
Um, appreciate it. Thanks.
[ominous music builds]
Dad, can I sleep with you?
[sighs] Why? It's time for bed.
But there's monsters.
There's no monsters.
No such thing.
[chuckles softly] Just
try not to think about it.
[music intensifies]
[line ringing]
[phone buzzing]
[Jim] Hey, you've
reached Jim Neal.
Can't get to my phone right now,
but if you leave your
name and number,
I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
Shit!
[thunder rumbling]
[music calms]
- [door creaks]
- [metal scraping]
[music intensifies]
[thunder roars]
Mr. Neal! Jim, hello!
Jim!
Hello, Jim! Come on!
Mason?
What... what are you doing here?
Oh, uh, I just wanted to
give everything a once-over
for any, uh, quick
fixes, irregularities,
brain splatter, evidence.
Mason, what are
you doing? It's late.
Weird question.
Uh, are you having
any trouble sleeping,
or dangerous thoughts?
What are you doing right now?
[scoffs] I'm just having a...
[music intensifies]
drink.
Where is your daughter?
[thunder roars]
[daughter screams]
[thunder rumbling]
- Are you okay?
- The closet!
What did you see? Who was it?
Mason, tell me what's going on.
Look, I want to purchase
your house back.
What?
This house. I want to buy it.
What are you, high?
You already sold it to me.
Semantics, just listen.
I want to take it
off your hands,
I'll pay you a healthy premium,
I got the money
now, I'm a partner.
Daddy.
Mason, get out of here!
Please, you have
to listen to me.
This house is a lemon, a dud.
I wasn't being honest with you.
That's my whole MO.
I'm not an honest person.
My entire career,
I bullied clients,
I cheated, I brushed
things under the rug.
Literally, like skull fragments,
evidence, the truth.
I was wrong to have
sold you this place.
You can't stay here.
Daddy!
Let's go.
Push, Jim!
I can't get it open!
[screaming]
Stop, Claire, it's me!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
You're just a kid.
I never should have
brought you here.
I... I... I promise
when this is over,
I will tell the
police everything.
And your family, your
friends, everyone will know,
so that they have peace.
You will have peace, I swear it.
No fingers crossed.
[whimpers]
[imitates choking sound]
You're the best.
I'm not going to give the
whole closing speech again,
but this house ain't
a home no more.
Leaving already?
We're just trying to take
them to the next stage.
Endless possibilities.
They only try to mess with
you. They can't actually hurt you.
I think. Follow me.
[tapping]
[daughter screams]
- [glass shattering]
- [ghosts growling]
Back door.
Dad!
Let him go.
[Scarlett's voice]
Low-life peddler.
Two-bit confidence man.
You're the sucker.
Nothing I haven't already
heard from my own family before.
[Mason's mom voice] Mason.
Mason, I miss you.
You're not...
Mom.
Don't let them put
me in a nursing home.
Please, Mason, please.
I just want to go home.
You said you wouldn't leave me.
You left me to die in there.
You're right, I did.
I could have helped
pay the mortgage,
I could have saved
your house, but...
instead I helped sell it
and pocketed the cash.
Every bad thing that has
ever been said about me
is true.
And I am so, so sorry.
So, we're gonna make a deal.
Me, instead of them.
[Scarlett's voice] No deal.
You'll never get rid of us.
We are all.
And now, so am I.
Me, instead of them.
Take the deal.
[ghost growls]
Take the deal!
[demonic screaming]
[Jim screams]
Jim! Jim!
Jim, Claire's body
is buried in Everpine,
just off Route 12.
Tell that to the police.
Tell them I did it.
Now, go. Now!
[hopeful music plays]
[music crescendos, stops]
[thunder rumbling]
[thunder rumbling]
[lighthearted music plays]
So, this house
is a little older,
but you do get a lot
of bang for your buck.
It's four bed, one bath.
18,096 square feet.
But it's pretty impressive.
It has some original features,
including a wood fire stove.
So, this could be your house.
[realtor continues indistinctly]
What are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I guess I have eternity to
watch other people's mistakes.
This must be your hell.
How so?
All these people
and no one to sell to.
It's more peaceful than
I would have imagined.
Being a part of it
without all the stress.
Come on, it's not so bad, is it?
Bad?
It f*cking sucks.
I can't even have any sugar.
It's better this way. Trust me.
How so?
Sugar will k*ll you.
[all scream]
Quick!
["Lover Please Stay" by
Shtriker Big Band plays]
Got feel it in heaven
when my lover's near
Lord, let this moment
last for another year
Though today has ended,
the night's still young
I'd say
Lover, don't go away
Let it be what I
am longing for
Let's fly out from Manhattan
To the California shore
Just to watch
the ships at night
On the San Francisco Bay
Oh, lover,
please, please stay
Don't say you have to go
Don't say you need to run
I stop the clock
on Central Station
And we can have
a drink downtown
Let it be the night
that I am longing for
Let's fly down south
To Austin or to Ecuador
Just to drink pia colada
On a hot, wet summer's day
Oh, lover,
please, please stay
Yeah!
Oh, lover
Oh, lover
Oh, lover
Please, please stay
Please stay
Please stay
For Sale (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3