[tierra whack, "stand up"]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, will the real n*gga please
stand up and all the fake
sit down?
Let me fix my crown.
I love this for you.
But you got to crop it
like right there, though.
Oh, I see it.
That was it.
That was it.
That was it.
Oh, my god.
We are about to look muy
bonita chiliando in Espana.
My bad.
But we are about to
tear Spain up, OK?
Beaches, topless...
Spanish boys!
You're going to love Valencia.
The camp we're
working at is b*mb.
Oh, hell, no.
That's my mom.
"Pick up your brother
and come home ASAP."
You know what?
The dopest thing about Spain
is that I'm 7,000 miles away
from my dumb family.
My brother's in prison.
I'd give anything to have
an extra moment with him.
Ooh.
"They're your kids.
Not mine."
[phone swoosh]
Did you just send that
to your Black mom?
Girl, that was a death wish.
[MIDWXST & DENZEL
CURRY, "TALLY"]
I met this girl down in Tally,
she said she flew in from Cali.
Not LA, though, she
live in the Valley.
Four rings on my hand,
look like an Audi.
Might do a show in
NC, and say, [muted], ,
and pop out in Raleigh.
[tire skids]
Damn, girl.
About to throw me up
out of here, ain't you?
Come on, fam.
I was trying to hear
the rest of the song.
That's why god invented Spotify.
Oh, yeah.
Mom was right about you.
What'd you say?
Don't be mad she tell me
stuff she don't tell you.
What does she tell you?
Don't worry about it.
I'm worrying about it right now
because you just brought it up.
Go talk to your mother.
Yo, I'm not talking to
the back of your head.
What is she saying?
Talk to your mother about it.
I'm talking to you about it.
I ain't talking to you.
Say it.
God, can you go in
your room, please?
Always talking shit.
Damn, Melissa.
The girls could be in sales.
That's your future.
Go outside.
Do you only consume dark media?
Reality is darkness, Tanya.
You avoid it.
I run toward it.
Zack, we talked about this.
Don't sneak up on people.
It's creepy.
I wanted to say hi, but I
didn't want to interrupt you.
Hey, where were
you this morning?
I've been seeing the same
m*rder of crows lately.
Did you know a group of
crows is called "m*rder?"
Dope.
I fed them and
followed them around.
I ended up in Winnetka.
They had some beef with another
m*rder, but I squashed it.
Did you know crows
can recognize faces?
That means I've made
friends for life.
That's really cool, Zack.
Maybe next time, don't
go so far, though.
Mom!
Hi.
Please?
I need an allowance.
I used all my money
on food for my crows.
I need more money!
Mom...
What...
[door slam]
[muffled screaming]
Mom?
Kenny, can you not
be a degenerate
for, like, five minutes?
Why?
What's popping in five minutes?
Mom had a nervous breakdown.
Girl, Black folks
don't have those.
They do when the boss'
mediocre white son
gets a promotion over them.
You could have done a
more comprehensive report
in half the time if
you just used Canva.
[clattering]
Whoa!
Was that comprehensive enough?
Dickless...
And now she has
to go to Thailand
to an immersive two-month
yoga meditation retreat.
Yo, so we finna have a
whole house to ourself?
What is wrong with you?
I can't go to Spain.
Mom needs some money
for her retreat.
My summer's ruined.
Why your Black girl try to
got to crush my Black boy joy?
I found stuff online to heal
you... good, cheap, local stuff,
like CBD oil and massages and...
Oh, you can pet rescue dogs.
The doctor said to avoid
stress at all times.
If you keep this up, I swear
to God, Imma slap you to Spain.
Zack, come say goodbye.
What are you tripping for?
We got no supervision
for months.
We finna live like white kids.
Zack?
We're throwing a party tonight.
Tonight?
That is not enough time.
Day off.
Keep the crowd small.
Where are you?
You just don't know shit.
Oh, and make sure
you invite Gabby,
because she wants to just f*ck.
Zack?
Zack?
Zack?
Where are you?
Come here, boy.
I'm going to miss you.
I want you to have a good trip.
And don't worry, we'll deal
with these abandonment issues
later in life.
Oh, you're not being abandoned.
[doorbell rings]
Hello.
What a pretty, young lady.
Look, it's great that
you've witnessed Jehovah
or whatever, but
now's a bad time.
Oh, no, dear.
I'm Ms. Sturak, the babysitter.
[dramatic sting]
You can call me ADT...
I'll be keeping you
safe all summer.
Oh, hell no.
The bills are on
autopay, and this should
take care of food and stuff.
We're so blessed that
you can do this for us
at such short notice.
Well, I could tell from
your Facebook post,
you're a good woman
who just needed a hand.
Aw, my co-worker said you
were such a sweetheart.
Thank you.
A babysitter is a
huge waste of money.
I can handle it here.
You always say I need to act
like an adult. Give me a chance
to.
I mean, I drive those
damn kids around.
Those "damn kids?"
You mean your
brothers and sisters
that you drive around in my car?
What else?
What else is on your long
list of adult behavior?
When's the last time you
paid a bill, cooked a meal,
cleaned the house
without being told to?
Hell, did anything
without being told to?
You don't have a clue
what to do with your life.
You never had a job.
And you barely got into
Howard, even with my hook up.
Can you not read me for filth?
I need a break.
Otherwise, you're going
to lose another parent.
Jesus, mom.
Give me a hug.
Hug me, girl.
Thank you, Ms. Sturak.
Love you, kids.
Love you, too.
Bye.
Hurry up.
Get me out of here.
There goes my summer.
Bye, summer.
[g*nsh*t]
Oh, dude.
What the shit?
I watch "Madea" movies.
I know how to discipline
you little n-words.
Oh, do you think that
it's less r*cist if you
don't say the actual word?
Why are you strapped?
Oh, relax.
It's just a starter p*stol.
[sneeze]
[g*nsh*t]
Where's my room?
Get my bag.
You get that.
Zack, come on.
Come on.
Violate my rules
at your own peril.
No more of this garbage.
Run a mile.
You'll never get a man with
that couch-dimpled derriere.
Where do you think you're going?
[splash]
[laughter]
[splash]
You got a week to get that
crap out of your system.
After that, I'll tell the
cops you roughed me up
in a fit of reefer madness.
Makeup is for Geisha whores.
[sneeze] Well, don't
you look precious?
You know what's not so precious?
Gonorrhea.
Please, no more.
Catch a case off her old ass.
What's wrong with you?
You ever seen a
What's an STI?
Do something, bro.
She's only here because
you suck so bad at life
that mom didn't trust
you to watch us.
Or she thought
you'd get so stoned
that you'd burn the house down.
I think it's both.
Whatever.
How are we going to have
this party while she here?
So sorry for how we behaved.
Our mom didn't tell
us we had a sitter.
Looking at you, I can tell...
why she wanted to surprise us.
Surprises are for kids'
parties and the Japanese.
Right.
Well, I know you said no
guests, but we had already
invited our church
friends for Bible study,
and we can't cancel on Jesus.
You better not wake me up.
I get very grumpy
when I get woken up.
More grumpy?
[sneeze]
Would you like an allergy pill?
Sure.
And a whiskey neat.
OK.
Oh, and you might hear music,
but it's Christian hip hop.
DJ Cardinal's spin.
Hip hop ruined the Blacks.
[MIDWXST & DENZEL
CURRY, "TALLY"]
I met this girl down in Tally,
she said she flew in from Cali.
Not LA, though, she
live in the Valley.
Four rings on my hand,
look like an Audi.
Might do a show in
NC, and say, [muted], ,
and pop out in Raleigh.
I can't [muted] with
that [muted], , she a lame.
She be talking too
much, she too rowdy.
But she's still on my
phone, in my texts,
tryna drag her
fingers on my neck.
She want get intimate,
flesh to flesh.
Yeah, she crazy, but
not like the rest.
I thought we said
five people each?
I guess everybody
invited five too.
This is way too much.
Come on, I think we should stop.
Hey, Sheila and Duana
going to Howard too.
Go make friends.
You don't want to be no
simp at college too, do you?
Bye!
Shit is litty.
I told you.
Sorry her mom died, though.
His mom didn't die, dummy.
What?
Oh, I was half listening.
Play out that loud bit.
Hey, Shelly.
Hey, Duana.
Oh, Shelly.
Hey.
Tanya.
Tanya Crandell?
From school?
And from this house?
This is my house?
Uh... Um, yall are
going to Howard, right?
Me too.
It'd be nice to have some
Cali girls there, you know?
West side.
Oh, we was having a
whole conversation.
That's fine.
Aw, that was hard
to watch, mama.
Come sit.
Come sit.
They need to watch it.
Do you want a drink?
We got you.
Listen up.
I want to thank everybody for
coming to my brother Kenny's
party.
And I just want
to remind y'all...
If you ain't twerking,
it ain't working.
DJ, drop the music!
[music playing]
[birds twittering]
[knock]
Good morning, Mrs. Sturak.
I just wanted to make sure
you slept through the...
Bible study.
The part of Bible study that
got a little loud with praise.
Ms. Sturak?
Ms. Sturak?
Ms. Sturak?
Ms. Sturak?
Ms. Sturak, wake up.
Mrs. Sturak... Oh, wait...
Whoa.
Help!
Kenny!
Sweet, my first dead body.
I'd say she'd be
missed, but I doubt it.
I'm for sure going to juvie.
Hold on, wait.
They going to try to
charge me as an adult.
[phone beeping]
Y'all, we got to pack up.
We need to go to Mexico.
What is your emergency?
We can definitely
not call the cops.
Hell, no.
We got a dead white
woman in our house.
They lynch people for much less.
That feels dishonest.
Let's call mom, see
what she thinks.
Wrong again, little man.
The second we tell
mom, she's going
to be on the first day smoking.
And we cannot let that happen.
Right.
Because then we can't
throw parties like we do...
No, because she's
not on vacation.
She had a nervous breakdown.
Leaving that place too soon
could really mess her up.
This is why I really miss dad.
This is why?
Really?
Zack, are you OK?
Yeah.
I'm just not used
to being wrong.
Kenny, how do you deal
with this so often?
It just needs some
time to think.
Your time to think
it's her time to stink.
We need to put her in
the fridge to slow decay.
Not the freezer, that
could cause tissue damage.
Shows premeditation.
Watch out.
Watch out!
Stop pushing.
She's slipping!
All right.
Y'all about to make me
hit her head on the wall.
Zack!
[thud]
Damn.
She's heavy.
Come on.
Well, shall we?
I got it, I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Push it back.
OK, other side.
I need some air.
[mechanical whirring]
[radio chatter]
We had a 911 hang up from here?
Oh, that was my brother.
Our mistake, officer.
You how kids are these
days, all cell phone.
He just didn't realize it still
dials even if you don't call.
You all live here?
All our lives.
Along with our mom.
She's not here.
She's...
Out on a very deserving spa day.
You sure?
Sorry, officer.
I really can't invite you in.
Strict house rules.
You work at the Sheriff's
Department, right?
I used to play lacrosse with
a kid who dad works there.
His name was Harry Sarkisian.
He's the sheriff.
Yeah.
Tell him I said hi.
Just be careful kids.
OK, a phone's not a toy.
[click]
[mechanical whirring]
[radio chatter]
[thud]
[sigh]
Nice work.
How'd you do that?
You actually saved our asses.
The hell are y'all
celebrating for?
That shit was humiliating.
How many n*gg*s you
know lucky enough
to know the sheriff's son?
What were you thinking?
You out here just walking up to
him, not calling him "officer?"
Man was ready to pop off.
He ain't even believe
we lived here.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
We still have a dead lady here.
OK, bet.
Middle of the night, we
drop off at the funeral home
with a note.
It's not 1991.
There are cameras everywhere.
Use your head.
Of course.
Why didn't I think
of this already?
"Murderous Mama" season
four, episode 12.
Guys!
The "Three Cheers
for Death" episode.
We take her to a remote
area, we inject, like,
a gallon of liquor into her.
[engine starting]
We strap her into her car,
then drive it into a tree.
Police say a drunk old bitty
lost control of her car
and ate bark.
Shit.
[splash]
Even better.
Let's go.
Let's never piss her off.
Yeah, she a savage.
[WILLIAM DEVAUGHN, "BE THANKFUL
FOR WHAT YOU GOT"]
[SINGING] Though you may not
drive a great, big Cadillac.
Gangsta whitewalls, TV
antennas in the back.
You may not have a car
at all, but remember,
brothers and sisters,
you can still stand tall.
Just be thankful
for what you got.
Diamond in the
back, sunroof top,
diggin the scene
with a gangsta lean.
Woo-hoo-ooh.
Diamond in the
back, sunroof top,
diggin the scene
with a gangster lean.
Woo-hoo-ooh.
Diamond in the
back, sunroof top,
diggin the scene
with a gangster lean.
Woo-hoo-ooh.
Diamond in the back.
[birds twittering]
We're hungry.
Well, we're in the right room.
Your dumb friends
ate all our food,
so you need to go food shopping.
Use the money mom
gave Ms. Sturak.
It's in an envelope
in her purse.
No woman puts her
purse in the back seat.
They're going to
know something's up.
Man, paramedics don't know shit.
[splattering]
[clattering]
What the... Hey!
It's some real funky
energy in this room.
What are y'all doing?
Ms. Sturak had all our
food money with her
when you got rid of her.
OK, so who the best swimmer?
Out of the question.
We're going to starve to death.
Calm down.
How much do you guys
have in your savings?
Our what?
Our what?
OK, so you got to get a job.
Why can't you get one?
Men do earn 18 more
cents on the dollar.
That adds up.
Nobody's going to hire
him with that grill.
OK, so let's spin for it.
[whooshing]
Yes!
Grill stays.
Fight me.
It's best that you do it, Tanya.
You know how Kenny
is with authority.
And reliability.
And English.
OK.
You need an easy
job that pays quick.
I guess I could
drive a Road Bro.
Nah, you got to be 25 for that.
[sigh]
No one's going to
believe you're 25.
They will with this
b*mb-ass fake ID I make her.
Teenage girl driving
for Road Bro.
Guess I'm about to see
my second dead body.
What a week.
This is going to suck, isn't it?
[music playing]
Nope.
Don't want to meet your mama.
Don't want to meet your granny.
Just show me where to come.
Hey.
Hey.
Bryan, right?
Malibu round trip?
That's me.
Everything cool?
Yeah.
Your face.
I didn't see that you were...
I didn't see that...
You had a mask on in
your profile picture.
Oh, yeah.
I should change that.
Grim reminder of COVID times.
I get it.
Recognize me now?
Oh my, absolutely not.
What?
The best beaches in
Southern California
are in Orange County.
I mean, yeah, you just got to...
deal with the
Orange County people.
Wow.
OK.
Man, I'm going to miss it here.
Where are you going?
Syracuse.
I started school
there in the fall.
Is the dorm there
just a giant igloo?
Yeah, we actually
just walk right Inuit.
That was terrible.
Tell that to your smile.
Anyway, Syracuse has one
of the best architecture
programs in the
country and I'm going
to need it because I
want to create mass
producible, environmentally
sustainable, good quality
homes, cheaply, to solve
the homelessness crisis.
Wow.
What an assh*le.
You'll still be here
when I get back, right?
Even for an assh*le like me?
Ow.
Coca-Cola.
Front seat's cool, right?
I feel like we're past
the chauffeur stage.
Cool.
It's cool.
Cool.
[lebra jolie, "what kinda"]
Don't you hate an
old tricking ass?
Talking bout he in
the kitchen ass.
Get a bag, n*gga, why you out
here with your leeching ass?
Reaching ass n*gga, in
my DMs, tryna eat my ass.
Freaky ass n*gga.
Ol peewee ass n*gga.
Ayy, what typa n*gga
wear his homeboy's shirt
in his baby mama crib,
riding his baby mama whip?
Man, what type of n*gga
tell lies on his d*ck?
I was running to the 'Gram
every time he hit a lick.
That's so crazy, you know?
Like, what type of
n*gga does that?
What type of n*gga?
And singing skills
that I just showed you.
It was pretty good.
That's the tip.
That's the tip for the trip.
So you five star me,
I'll five star you.
Deal.
All right.
[seatbelt unbuckling]
Oh, good luck at Syracuse.
Yeah, you... Good luck at life.
Adios, amigo... ga.
Spanish.
Hey, what's...
your favorite building?
What?
What did you say?
Favorite building.
I don't know.
The Grove?
No, I mean, like,
architecturally?
What are you feeling?
Huh.
I never really thought about it.
Oh.
Well, see ya.
"I don't know.
The Grove?"
Dang, you're going to turn
into a Philly cheesesteak.
And you're going to turn
into a sad trophy wife.
Then so be it, right?
Jesus.
The bill is as much
as I made today.
$120?
Stop complaining.
What you go to work for, then?
[phone dings]
$120 a day, times
four days a week...
Why only four days?
Know yourself, Tanya.
That's $480 a week, minus
taxes, is $336 a week.
That's not going to
feed four people.
Not with Kenny's weed munchies.
You need to get a grown-up job.
But I'm not a grown-up.
Not yet.
Meet the new and
improved Tanya Crandell.
You got Insta,
Facebook, Twitter,
and I even put some kid pics
on something called MySpace.
Now they'll definitely
believe you're 25.
How'd you even do this?
Because she a G. I
better get to it.
Just got to of paste a bunch
of bullshit from resume sites.
And the social stuff was easy.
My girlfriend in Morocco wrote a
code that overrides timestamps.
Congrats.
You're a grown-ass woman.
And a graduate of Bates College.
Is that a real place?
Yeah, my boyfriend in
Boston wants to go there.
Wait, you have a boyfriend
and a girlfriend?
Are you, like, a player, or
is this like a poly situation?
Your generation and your labels.
I'm pretty sure we're
the same generation.
Bates is a liberal arts
school in Maine... tiny,
but prestigious.
I heard a comedian
say you only have
to know a few things
about a school
to pretend you went there,
so I wrote down a few dorms
and pizza places nearby.
OK, I see you.
Team Crandell!
And I found a job you
might like... some clothing
company called Libra.
Oh, no.
That's not really my style.
You know what's not my style?
Hunger, bitch.
Go.
[alarm ringing]
[LEBRA JOLIE, "f*ck
I LOOK LIKE?"]
Yeah.
What the f*ck I look like,
letting a broke bitch
play with me?
Or lettin' a lame ass
n*gga lay with me?
f*ck I look like?
Now bitch pave ways for me.
But now I'm here, b*tches
gotta make a play for me.
Pop my shit.
I really be sparin'
b*tches Postin'
me up on the blogs and
then comparin' b*tches.
Who the f*ck I look
like, sound like?
Stop playing with me.
Gave my own style, and these
m*therf*ckers ran with it.
Yeah, I dropped "Now What,"
and brought a band with me.
Then signed my deal,
they was mad at me.
When they took it down, they
was calling, harassing me.
Trying to tear me
down, y'all fans of me.
I ain't never taking no L's.
That's a no-no.
Gave my own style, and these
m*therf*ckers ran with it.
[cars honking]
[ding]
[chatter]
Oh, my god.
I am so sorry.
I can't help.
Back up.
Back up, back up, back up.
You do not pat people
down like the damn TSA.
That is as*ault.
Can I at least pay
for your dry cleaning?
Oh, so now I'm broke?
Oh, no.
I am so sorry.
I'm sure your
finances are great.
Let me start over.
I'm Tanya, and I'm
here to meet with HR.
Well, then go meet with HR.
OK, Dora the Explorer,
go down that hallway
and look for the HR office.
Do you know what two letters
to look for on the door?
What is going on?
Is everything OK.
It was, until Little
Miss Thing here decided
to start playing bumper bodies.
I spilled coffee on her.
But tie dye is back in, though.
I can get some cranberry juice
and make that shirt popping.
Caroline, Caroline, Caroline,
Caroline, Caroline, Caroline,
Caroline, Caroline, Caroline,
Caroline, Caroline, Caroline.
Public berating does not fit
with our corporate culture.
I'll pay for your dry
cleaning if you stand down.
No, no, no.
Not necessary, Rose.
Thank you for the feedback.
Rose?
Rose Lindsey?
Unless you're my ex-boyfriend
or my ex boyfriend's wife.
You're the boss lady?
I'm Tanya.
I'm interviewing for
the receptionist job.
Is that so?
I'm sorry about Caroline.
The bug up her ass lives
on the stick up her ass,
and her neighbors to the North
are the chip on her shoulder.
Wow, that's a lot of stuff.
You're a Bates
College girl, huh?
Go Bobcats.
Sure do miss Gritty
McDuff's Brew Pub.
But not as much as Paige Hall,
the dorm I used to live in.
So why do you want to work here?
Well, I love the clothes.
And I would love to be a
part of a brand that means
so much to so many people.
I really need a job.
I've been supporting
a few family
members who have
fallen on hard times,
and they're really
counting on me.
Plus, you are a super inspiring
woman in this industry
and I feel like I'd learn
way more from you than I ever
did at Bates College
in Lewiston, Maine,
where I went to college.
You know, Caroline was
supposed to move up
to be my executive assistant.
But she really rubs
people the wrong way.
And you really need this job.
Caroline just thinks
she deserves it.
Why don't you wait in the lobby?
I'm going to check
your references.
Not so fast.
No red flags cyberstalking you.
And your references
absolutely gushed.
Tanya is a shining star.
The day she left was the
worst day of my life.
And I saw my parents m*rder*d
by a g*ng of street toughs.
She's a real class act.
Hire her posthaste.
[coughs] Excuse me.
Whooping cough got me this year.
Nasty thing.
You worked for some real
characters, haven't you?
Guess so.
Well, we'll have to
take it easy on you.
Welcome aboard.
Now starting salary is $60k.
$60k?
I know.
It's not great,
but we've all had
to tighten our belts
in this weird economy.
Do I get that all at once?
You're hilarious.
I'm hilarious.
I got a call with the board.
Caroline will get
you all set up.
It's too easy.
Ay, so look.
It's your boy, K Cran, and we're
going to be dropping dope, dope
shit every single week.
Make sure you follow.
Yo, mom already told you not
to skate on her back patio.
But she don't even like you.
Oh, shit.
That was rude.
Well, you know who does like me?
My new boss at the new
grown-up job I just got.
I am the executive assistant
to the chief executive officer
at Libra Clothing Incorporated.
Wow, that sounds really
hard for a smart person.
You're screwed.
Can he come live
with one of y'all?
[phone dings]
Get out of my face.
Ayo, look at this.
Look at this.
When these videos blow
up, Zack and Melissa
can just come stay
with me at my mansion
while you stay sucking
at your little job.
Oh, I'm going to k*ll it.
I have to.
Otherwise, my hot girl summer is
going to be a not good bummer.
Don't try.
Like, just don't.
Well, maybe while I'm
working, y'all could clean up,
like big boys.
What is that job doing to you?
You're changing.
That's what you get, fat head.
[alarm ringing]
[fieh, "flower"]
All right, guys.
Wish me luck.
You 'bout to fail!
[phone dings]
[SINGING] Much work
for very little money.
I watch you do it all anyway.
Rose, hi.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I can't believe I'm
late on my first day.
I took the same route I
took for my interview,
but it took twice as long.
Tanya, I've lived
in LA for 30 years.
I know how traffic works.
Don't let it happen again.
All right.
Got that out of the
way, back to cool Rose.
Drop your things.
I'm going to show you around.
As you know, Libra has been
one of the most popular
young women's brands
for half a century.
Do you know why they
chose the name Libra?
Clothes that balance the scales
between pretty and practical.
That sounds so '50s.
Exactly.
Monochromatic is
pretty big this season,
which is good because that's
kind of all we do around here.
Ooh.
Hate, love.
Good to move into production.
OK, so here's how it works.
Each season, I meet
with a design team
to vet their pitches.
Then, I coordinate between them
and the manufacturing overseas.
Rose, Rose.
I just got word that our
winter line will be delayed.
Manufacturing facility
staff shortage.
Another rash of
employee suicides.
I thought we put out
those jumper nets?
Oh, no.
These were hangers.
Remind me to update our employee
waiver to include hanging.
Frankie, this is Tanya, my
new executive assistant.
She'll be your boss someday.
If she doesn't
hang herself first.
Once manufacturing assembles
that season's line,
it gets moved over to shipping.
At the same time,
the marketing team
pitches me their ad campaigns.
Then we sh**t the lookbook,
send them to the influencers,
and wait for the orders to
pour in... all while keeping
those geriatric, bean counting
board of directors happy.
And you'll be my consigliere
through all of it.
Consigliere.
That sounds
important, and scary.
Now my time is very
valuable to me,
so I need you to
be my gatekeeper.
And make friends with the
other department heads'
executive assistants.
Give me a heads up if there's
any trouble on the horizon.
I hate surprises.
Gotcha.
Consigliere, gatekeeper, spy.
I knew I liked you.
This is the QED report.
Around here, it's
like the Bible,
except it's full of facts.
Finish these before I meet
with the board bi-weekly.
You've used Cludis
before, right?
Of course you have.
Everyone in the industry has.
IT will get you all
logged in and sorted out.
Oh, and the most
important thing...
If we're not alone and
I ask you for something,
you just say, I'm right
on top of that, Rose.
I'm right on top of that, Rose.
They never expect
women to be chill.
It really fries their circuits.
I got a good feeling about you.
Bring it in, sis.
Whoa, A-frame hugs only.
I didn't spend three hours
in that sexual harassment
course for nothing.
You guys are up early.
My stomach growling woke me up.
I made a pickle sandwich.
And I made a breakfast pizza
with ketchup, American cheese,
and bread.
I don't recommend it.
Oh, look at this house
that you live in.
You each have your own rooms.
Food insecurity is temporary.
This is the norm
for some people.
Yeah.
[phone dings]
Thanks for checking
our privilege.
And the crows are
coming over later.
Want to meet them after work?
I'm good.
Don't bring them in
the house, though.
Don't make less of a
mess than your friends.
I...
[phone dings]
[fly buzzing]
Kenny.
Kenny!
Leave me alone.
I need you to go find food.
OK, then me the money
and I'll go find food.
I don't have money yet.
I need you to be resourceful.
And can you please
clean up the house?
You're home all day, and the
house is still a disaster area.
You know, I feel bad
for whatever clown
you trick into marrying you.
I don't have to
trick somebody into...
I am not doing
this with you, OK?
Help out, somehow, anyhow.
Mow the lawn.
Vacuum a floor.
Do a g*dd*mn dish, man.
This is a dime, man.
Yo mama going to whoop that
ass for breaking her dishes.
[shattering]
Well, he broke that one.
Yeah, like the worst breath.
I couldn't get past it.
Welcome back, Bruce.
How was Fire Island?
Fire.
No follow up questions, please.
Love.
[phone ringing]
Is that your boyfriend?
Ew, no.
That's my brother.
Oh, thank god.
I mean... I see the resemblance.
Why are you all up in my screen?
You have got issues, girl.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I live for the drama.
But you got issues.
Hey, Tanya.
How's that QED report coming?
Oh, it's coming.
It's a beast.
She stole my job.
And all she does is just
kiss up to Rose all day.
That's what you do.
You didn't get the job.
Hey, hey, hey.
You are my gay at work husband.
Be on my side.
I am, but I'm not the
"let's slash her tires"
gay work hubby.
I'm the, like, "don't play
yourself, girl" gay work hubby,
you know.
Ultimately, it's better for you.
Call facilities and have
them repaint my office.
None of that bargain basement
finger paint, like last time.
I want Benjamin
Moore's Arctic blue.
Oh, and I forgot,
it's the chairman
of the board's birthday, so
I'll have to butter him up send.
Him a bottle of Blue Label.
Knowing that old lush,
she'll finish it by EoD.
Just use the card.
It should be in your top drawer.
It's for office expenses
and miscellaneous things.
Just submit your
receipts to accounting.
Anyone ever going to clean up?
Thank, god.
I was seriously
considering cannibalism.
Wait, so you finally got paid?
Not yet.
It's a corporate card.
Hey, so you got a black card.
Let me see.
I wish.
It's for office
expenses and stuff.
But my first check
would be, like,
$1,700 so I'll
pay it right back.
Can you guys grab the
rest of the groceries?
And Kenny, can you
please make dinner?
I have a date.
No.
You said we can play
video games tonight.
We'll do it another
night for sure.
I don't want to
cancel on this guy.
Nothing past second base.
We don't need another
mouth to feed.
I already said I'm not cooking.
The homies is
coming over tonight.
Well, then do it before
the "homies" get here.
You're the only
Black person that
can say that and sound r*cist.
[thud]
I can't believe you
brought me flowers.
Doesn't everybody?
What kind of w*r
criminals are you dating?
Um, the kind that takes
me on a nice meal.
Not the ones who asked
me to meet them in nature
and give me more nature.
Well, beauty of a
nature on nature
date, you can just ditch
the flowers for later.
Tonight, we're going to
see the Rogers Parker
comet, which hasn't been
visible for over 37,000 years.
So I figured we'd sh**t
our shot, unless you
plan on living to 37,001.
I mean, why wouldn't I?
I'll teach you.
Oh, damn.
That's crazy.
I didn't know Road Bro taught
you how to live forever.
Wait, don't you have
to be 25 for that?
No, you actually just have
to have a card saying that
you're 25.
Mm.
That's crazy.
Because my great granddad
lied about his age
to fight in World w*r II and you
did it to drive for Road Bro.
I actually don't drive anymore.
I found a job that's
not on wheels.
Oh, that's great.
What are you doing?
Um, don't ask me any
first date questions.
[coughs] Damn.
Right.
Eat.
Eat what?
That?
It's casserole.
All I did was put a
bunch of stuff together.
It looks like you
threw up in a pan.
Aight, aight.
[doorbell]
Mm.
It's good.
[coughs]
Eat some.
What the hell?
Savings account.
I just told you I had a fake ID.
Does that make me a monster?
Oh, yeah, 100%.
Total monster.
Yeah.
No, I'm just
saying, like, I feel
like if someone's lying to you,
your relationship's worthless,
right?
You're just kind of
living in a false reality.
Movies and TV never shy
away from this angle,
even though it's
how most of us have
been saying it for forever.
It's always Griffith.
So what made me want
to be an architect,
is, like, build something
like that here for us.
What age did you start therapy?
Is it that obvious?
I mean, guys our
age don't normally
get this deep on a first date.
Well, your whole first
date premise is flawed.
What?
Yeah.
OK, then you mansplain
it to me then.
Sure.
Our real first date was
on the trip to Malibu
because that's when our
classic love story was born.
No.
Because I was working.
You paid me, so if that was a
date, then you're calling me...
You're going to want to
agree with me, because I
never kiss on the first date.
Hi, IT?
Yes.
This is Tanya from
Rose Lindsey's office.
Can you please send someone in
here to help me into Cledus...
Cludis, please?
Thank you.
So, what'd you think
of the fall line?
It was cool.
It had a lot of cool
things about it.
Tanya.
Did your voice just go up
on the bullshit register?
She gets me with that
one all the time.
Tanya, this is Gus,
head of logistics.
And VP of pleasing Rose.
And I take all my
jobs very seriously.
You look like some bubble gum.
I chew you up.
You look so damn good right now.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
Can you do me a favor?
Can you look after
this lady here?
The queen needs a strong court.
So are we still on
for dinner tonight?
Sure.
Dare we try Major Domo?
I'm right on top of that, Rose.
Hey, that's my line.
Oh.
Damn, Rose.
He fine.
Always date a
younger man, Tanya.
More stamina, fewer opinions.
[knock]
Hey.
Bruce, from IT?
And Caroline's boyfriend?
No.
She doesn't have the
parts, and, girl,
I don't have the patience.
And stop asking that.
You sound like you're obsessed.
What we got?
Also, don't worry
about Caroline.
Her bark is a lot
worse than her bite.
Stripe day.
I thought we agreed you
were going to be nice.
Look, Rose is your boss, so beef
with Tanya is beef with Rose.
OK, so what do
you want me to do?
Take her to lunch?
Get manicures?
Talk about boys?
No, those are our things.
Just extend, like, a
work-related olive branch.
We're all on the same team here.
I hate your logic.
And I hate your
glittery wedgies.
Trust me, they're not doing for
you what you think they are.
[phone dings]
[knock]
Oh, I was texting a person.
A cousin.
A person's cousin that I know.
Bruce made me say sorry that
we got off on the wrong foot.
I thought I was going
to get your job.
Thank you, and Bruce.
And I guess we're
on the same team.
So if you ever need help, and
I'm not busy and you're not
getting on my damn nerves,
then I might... might...
Help you.
I'll take it.
But unless you can do
a QED report real fast,
then I'm good.
I got you.
I did them when I filled in
for Rose's last assistant.
Are you sure?
I thought you hated me.
Bitch, take the
damn olive branch.
You're right.
[g*nshots]
Die!
Wish I could do
this in real life.
My sister loves this shit.
She taught me.
It's kind of like the only way
she'll talk to me, these days.
Die!
Yeah, I'd say you should worry,
but the zombie apocalypse
is coming up, so it's good
she's preparing you now.
Oh, wait.
You can't.
You can't post those.
You got a man or something?
No, I just...
I didn't do my hair.
For a date?
You know what?
I just don't do socials.
Shit freaks me out.
Huh.
Oh, you got stomped
by the zombie.
No, it's over.
Yeah, it's done.
It's done.
So if the zombie apocalypse
happens, what are your skills?
Because as an architect, I will
be king, building crazy walls
and shit.
OK.
Well, I'm good at, like...
Oh, I watch a lot
of "Big Brother."
Do you?
Yeah.
So my political game,
that'll be tight.
Oh, helpful.
But I think you'll
need a little bit more.
Aren't they teaching
anything at your job?
Wait, what's your job again?
Oh, it's just a dumb day job.
Do you work for the CIA?
Do you speak Russian
or something?
Nyet.
OK, not asking about your job.
What do you want to
do when you grow up?
Be an adult.
I mean...
I don't know.
I don't really have a plan.
I kind of like fashion.
I mean, it sucks.
It's like you're a
failure if you're 20
and you don't have a
career path or a start-up,
or, like, a million followers.
Right.
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean you
have to be popping today.
You just need a finish
line, and then you
can start having
fun getting there.
And if the line changes, cool.
But you need a finish line,
or else you sort of swing.
All right.
Now... Wait, wait.
Now point.
All right.
We're going this way.
I hope you don't
think you playing
guidance counselor
is going to get
you laid on the second date.
Third Surprised Howard lets
in kids who can't count.
And you battle through.
You really battle through.
Stop.
No, it's crazy.
Aw, I used to always
want one of those.
Well, not today.
Let's go play some bikes.
Am I the greatest of all time?
I mean, you're kind of amazing.
So I actually... I won this...
I won this scholarship
from American Architecture
Foundation.
What?
Yeah.
And they have this
big dinner thing,
and I was actually wondering
if you wanted to be my date.
Unless you're not
really into that thing.
I'm just really
asking you to protect
your fragile female ego.
Hey.
If you two pervs have to
eat each other's heads off,
can you not do it in
front of Spin and Win?
Yeah, no.
Yeah.
[crows cawing]
[alarm ringing]
Are we under attack?
No, they're sad.
One died... Crownan O'Brien.
He was a real one.
Pouring one out
for the crowmies.
Do that outside.
[cars honking]
Or you could just go!
Why is...
en Espana.
Look at the food.
So good.
[honk]
Go!
[elevator ding]
[jordan ward, "famjam4000"]
Tanya, here's the QED report.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks, Caroline.
I'll show Rose.
[SINGING] Yeah, I could
be all around the world,
but without family it
don't mean anything.
Can we bring the love back?
I know that you've been waiting
so long for it come home again.
Can we bring the love back?
I know that it's
been way too long.
You've always been home to me.
Always home.
I miss you dancing with
a drink in your hand.
You got drunk and
never called me again.
But you've seen sides
that nobody else knows.
Y'all better get in here
if y'all want to eat.
[cars honking]
[elevator ding]
[caws]
Got it?
Got it?
Yeah.
Hey!
Hey, hey!
Money!
Stop playing, bad boy.
[alarm ringing]
To come home again.
Can we bring the love back?
I know that it's
been way too long.
You always been home to me.
Always home.
You should really
peep Melissa's skate.
Girl got skills.
Wow.
I didn't even know she
knew where outside was.
Yeah, well, I guess
I'm a good influence.
OK.
Team Crandell up in this bitch.
Did you sign Zack up for soccer?
Not yet.
Kenny, it's due tomorrow.
What, 24 hours ain't enough time
to fill out the application?
Just do it.
You do it.
Damn, can't even
have one good moment
without you going all
"Real Housewives."
Well, you're at home all day.
That makes you the
housewife while I'm here
earning money to feed your ass.
Martyr.
Douche.
Relax, people.
This is not insurmountable.
We're going to mobilize
the influencers
and get them back in the
product placement game.
Tanya, get me Marvin from BET.
I'm right on top of that, Rose.
[sigh] Another quarter,
another downtick in sales.
Of course, the board
is losing their mind.
Mama needs her medicine.
Happy Hour?
I don't know what this job
will ruin first... brain, soul,
or liver.
Oh, and fabulous job
on the QED report.
Thanks, Rose.
What can I get you ladies?
I will have the Long
Island iced tea...
Rocks, with a twist, and a
spritz, Amaretto sidecar.
Awful.
They have the best
Manhattans in town.
Two please.
I don't get it.
I don't see a bunch of
naked girls walking around.
Why aren't they
wearing our clothes?
Go ahead.
Well, maybe we're
not wowing them.
The girls who wore
Libra at my school
were still kind of
finding their style.
Libra's clothing are
things that their parents
wanted them to wear and not
things that they were actually
excited about wearing.
Well, don't forget high
school for you was ages ago.
And your resume, I mean,
as impressive as it is,
didn't include
adolescent psychology.
So why don't we leave the
opining to the experts?
I'm sorry.
This business is just
changing so fast.
My entire life, you
went to the mall
and got clothes from
stores like Libra.
Now I'm reading articles
titled, "How Fast Fashion is
Terrorizing the Environment."
Yeah, my friends... their kids...
My friends' kids really pay
attention to that stuff.
I follow Emma Watson and she
only wears sustainable clothes.
Unfortunately, revamping
our manufacturing
would be like turning
around an oil tanker.
And, if I can be honest,
I'm just a little on edge
because Gus had
mentioned that he
might be ready to take
things to the next level.
Marriage?
Honey, please, no.
Moving in.
You have to foster a
puppy before you can
tell if it's your forever pet.
Hell, I just got him
to agree to monogamy.
Don't think that wasn't
a Herculean task.
Anyway, I'm just waiting
for him to bring it up
to me while our clothes are on.
You know men only
think emotionally when
they're laying in the wet spot.
Disgusting.
Men are like that, disgusting.
This is good.
Yeah.
It's good.
So good.
It's delicious.
[video game beeps]
Kenny!
Is this anyone?
Five.
OK.
Five, you say?
How did this happen?
So you got a black card.
I wish.
It's for office
expenses and stuff.
But I'll pay it right back.
All right, don't look at me.
I don't even game like that.
Things were getting
tense with the girlfriend
and the boyfriend.
I needed offline games.
I'm sorry.
But I also got something.
I'm feeling guilty, but
also really satisfied.
OK, so I did the...
[caws]
Oh, I have another ace.
I have... I have the three.
Oh, my god.
Zack!
You didn't want
the crows inside,
so I got a place for
us to hang out here.
I was being respectful.
Kenny got something too.
How much did all this cost?
$9,268.
You spent all that?
If you count all the Whole
Foods receipts, It's $12,678.
But you're getting $60,000.
This is way less.
That is not how it works.
How could you do this to me?
All I've done all summer is
work to take care of you guys
to do mama solid and
now I'm going to jail.
Doubtful.
Kids get a slap on the wrist.
Need I remind you, Black?
I always forget
to factor that in.
OK.
Sorry.
OK, I need you to
understand, Bee Taqueria
makes the best
tacos in LA, which
is a town full of dope tacos.
So you will be ruined for life.
Everything OK?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm just... I've
a lot of my mind.
So, you know, one of the
benefits of dating someone
is that you have someone you can
share those mind things with.
Just saying.
Thanks.
Yeah.
My mom taught me never
tell a woman to smile.
So I won't do that.
I will just remind you, I
have two functioning ears,
two very supportive
shoulders for crying on,
and one really great penis.
You're an idiot.
Whoa.
Right?
Wait.
Right?
Wait.
That's really good.
Gus?
Tanya?
Who is this?
It's Rose.
You look great.
Who is that?
How's your night going?
So Rose and I are in
an open relationship.
It's still taboo to her.
It might be a generational
thing, I'm not sure.
Funny, because she just told
me that you guys agreed,
in the wet spot,
to be monogamous.
And yet I just saw you
eating that woman's head.
We are in an improv class
and we were just rehearsing.
Well, if you're in
an improv class,
then why are you rehearsing?
Tanya, I will pay you.
You want to explain
what that was?
I will pay you any
amount of money.
It's not my place.
You got to admit, that
was a little weird.
Didn't your mama also
tell you that no means no?
In a different context.
But I guess that works here too.
[telephone ringing]
Hey, Rose.
We have a problem.
What is it, honey?
OMG, this Gus is
a certified freak.
OK, well, then we
have two problems.
Lay it on me.
Oh, shit.
Before I forget, I need
the latest QED report.
The board moved up our
meeting, so I need it now.
I...
Check your Dropbox, Rose.
Dropbox?
Wait, why does Caroline...
I have so many questions.
I've been doing the QED
reports for you girl here,
and I just thought it was crazy
that we still do them on paper,
so I digitized them.
Great work, Tanya.
Delegating responsibility and
innovating at the same time.
Here for it.
Hey, yeah, that was me.
And excellent
managerial instincts.
Who knew Caroline
even had that skill?
No tea, no shade, no lemonade.
Oh, here it is.
All right, ladies.
Time to give the board
the old razzle dazzle.
Or should I say Rose-l dazzle?
Woo!
You're going to get yours.
Are you hate-scrolling her?
No, no.
I just thought we
had mutual friends.
Oh.
Sure.
She sold me out.
I tried your olive branch
and she shoved it up my ass.
Let's actually
drop that metaphor.
OK, I did QED reports for her
and she took all the credit.
What, so you're
leaving mean comments?
Are you about to?
It just doesn't make sense...
The resume, the socials.
There's nothing negative, no
slutty Halloween costumes,
no transphobic retweets.
It's like they built this Jack
and Jill Barbie out of a lab.
You need a hobby.
[phone ding]
What in the Black ass hell?
You ain't paying, ain't got
no bands, so we can't talk.
I'm with my friends,
these hoes mad, we...
Yo, Ken!
Our video got 10 million views.
That's a million, dickhead.
Oh.
It's these damn brownies.
I'm high as hell.
Ooh, don't take more than one.
Those things will get you.
[splash]
[gasps]
You trying to electrocute folks?
What's up?
Shut up.
All speakers are
waterproof these days.
Everyone out now.
I got electrocuted
once fixing my fan.
Felt pretty cool.
Now!
You're just walking around
in your underwear, no bathing
suit?
Hurry up.
I want you all out of my
sight in five minutes.
Yo, Ken, your mom's a bitch.
Who's trying to get cut?
Say that again if you
feel like bleeding.
Oh, my god.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
You think your naked
friends drinking
and smoking is good for our
brother and sister to see?
What am I supposed to do?
I'm stuck here all
day, all night.
Don't start with that again.
So you made a few sandwiches?
Big deal.
My god, you're such a dude.
You do one thing
to help out and you
want a statue in your honor.
Some of us are out here working.
You don't start with
that, because while you're
out there hanging out
with your coworkers
and going on little
dates, I'm here
taking care of everything else.
You know the shit
that I do is just
as important as
that last desk job,
or did you forget I
canceled my summer too?
Team Crandell my ass.
You stole from me,
from my company,
and you call that teamwork?
And you're having
parties without me?
You don't think that I
want to have fun too?
And... And apparently,
one of your hoes
doesn't understand
everybody out.
I tried to leave, but
you're blocking me in.
And I'm not a hoe, I'm a virgin.
Kenny and I skate together.
So if you're going to slut
shame, shame an actual slut.
I'm sorry.
Hey, guys.
How good is Melissa
at skateboarding?
What?
I didn't know she
likes brownies so much.
Brownie?
Brownies?
[thud]
Oh, Melissa!
You OK?
[siren]
This is why I can't wait
to go off to college.
Please, we're not that bad.
Didn't your boy Ethan's
brother s*ab somebody?
Allegedly.
[radio chatter]
With mom by herself, guess
who became the second parent?
I never get thanked
for it, either.
It's just assumed
that that's my job.
This summer was supposed
to be my first break.
You never tell me
it was like that.
Well, I can't talk
to you anymore.
What is that supposed to mean?
I get what you're trying to
prove with the new clothes
and the grill and the accents...
I'm not frightened, see?
OK, this is me.
Dad made me go all preppy
because it was safer, a.k.a.
less scary to white folks.
Look, I miss the hell out of my
dad, but ever since dad died,
I feel like I can be myself.
I don't care how you
talk or how you dress.
You just went from collecting
awards and trophies
to smoking weed and skating.
And you don't have
to do what you did,
you just have to do something.
I am doing something.
Those skate videos I
make with Rock and Jason
get hella views...
More than any other
Black skater out there.
And we're close to
getting monetized.
Really?
Wow.
Over half a million followers,
my sister not even one of them.
Look, I might not
be going to Howard,
but at least I got my thing.
You ain't know that.
You don't even know
what Melissa can do.
Maybe if you knew us
a little bit better,
we wouldn't feel
like such a burden.
Good news.
Melissa will be fine.
You got lucky.
It could have been
a lot worse, OK?
Just a dislocated shoulder
and an elbow strain.
And she'll sleep
off the marijuana.
Just keep an eye on her tonight.
Normally, I'd have
to report this,
but the last thing I want to do
is get you all in the system.
I had a single mom, too.
But we weren't living like this.
Hang in there, girl.
And tighten up.
The tightest.
Tanya.
Why do you look so weathered?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was up all night.
My sister... daughter
ate something
that didn't agree with her.
That is why I'm staunchly
anti-procreation.
Mainline some coffee, girlie.
We got some work to do.
Woo!
[music playing]
[SINGING] Watch the
sunrise along the Coast
as we're both getting up.
I can't describe
what I'm feeling.
And all I know is
we're going home.
Is this for me?
Oh, yeah, we left
it open for Elijah.
The hell you think?
Kenny figured since you
couldn't go to Spain,
we'd bring Spain to you.
But his toxic masculinity
won't let him say it.
Kenny, this is dope.
You know, Kenny's always
had tons of potential.
He just needed the
freedom to explore it.
She's been like this all day.
I can't tell if
I like it or not.
Ever since my overdose...
Let's never say that again.
Everything is so much clearer.
I think I liked
all that dark stuff
because I was scared of death.
That fear is gone.
All I see now is light,
hope, possibility.
Seriously, Kenny?
How did you do all of this?
It's an online cooking
channel called On TV.
Personally, I would have named
it "People of Color-nary,"
or "Kachigga n*gg*s" or just
"n*gg*s in the Kitchen."
Fine.
That works too.
We're screwed.
Wait, what?
The manufacturers are
protesting working conditions.
It turned into a riot, and
they burned down the factory.
Our entire winter line is
a giant cloud of smoke.
Well, what can we do?
Can we get the manufacturers...
We're already on thin
ice, and now the board
doesn't want to throw
good money after bad.
They're shutting us down.
What?
Rose, no.
I need this job.
I don't have the
booty for OnlyFans.
Don't worry, Tanya.
You've got a nice, storied
career ahead of you.
And I'll put in a good word
for you, wherever you want,
if my name means anything.
Go home for the day.
I was saving this bottle
for a celebration,
but I guess the start of
the next chapter of my life
is something to celebrate.
Hey, babe.
I have an update on that fire.
It's still going.
This is exactly what
I've been looking for.
Sick.
You are going to slay
Coachella next year.
And if Cream doesn't
jump your bones,
we'll bury him in the desert.
Sorry to interrupt.
This would just be
really cute with that.
A necklace or...
Belt.
Love.
You work here?
No, I'm just doing
some retail therapy.
Thank you so much, ma'am.
"Ma'am?"
Rose!
Hey, Tanya.
Call up the board and tell them
they can't shut us down yet.
I have something big, and I just
need the night to work on it.
Why the f*ck not?
[phones ringing]
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I thought that was next Friday.
I texted you yesterday.
I called you tonight.
Work went to shit and I
had to stay late again.
Yeah, your top-secret job.
I've been sitting here,
listening to the family
that you just won't
introduce me to.
Part of dating is actually
getting to know each other.
And another part is
respecting people's privacy.
I wouldn't have to dig if you
weren't being so secretive.
Well, I would tell
you more if you
didn't want to know so much.
Fine.
But I asked you to be there
for me, and you weren't.
Bryan.
You know I like you.
Do I?
I thought we were having fun.
We're not adults.
We don't have to
make it all serious.
Seriously?
You're going to do me like that.
I just have so much
responsibility right now,
I don't have time to be,
like, your wife or something.
Wow.
Tanya, you bailed on the
biggest night of my life.
I thought I could at
least get an apology.
Bryan, I'm sorry.
Yeah, nobody wants an
apology they have to ask for.
Tanya, this is genius.
I'm only 30% sure
it's going to work.
But I'm 100% sure we're dead
in the water if we don't try.
But the board will
never see it like this.
They have about as much vision
as a mole with cataracts.
They need to see it on its feet.
Rent out a space, something
funky, like the ACE hotel,
or EPLP.
There should be enough
room on your work card.
About that.
Rose, there's something else.
Keep em coming.
You're on a roll.
Let's show them
we got the message
about throwing good
money after bad.
We'll have it at my house.
I have a massive yard and
repurposing a less traditional
space can really drive home
the vibe of the rebrand.
You're a homeowner?
At your age?
I'm a trust fund bitch.
Ooh.
All right.
Listen up, you little arsonists.
Hello, to you too.
We got a Team
Crandell code blue.
We don't have a
color coding system.
Stay with me.
We got one chance
to save our asses,
and you guys are
going to help me,
or I'm turning us all
in for embezzlement.
You really trying to feed us
through the prison pipeline.
Kenny.
We have to turn this place
into the dopest venue in SoCal
for a work function
on Saturday night,
and this is an all
hands on deck situation.
We do kind of owe her.
And debts are heavy on the soul.
I'm not available Saturday.
I'm just playing.
Damn!
All right, come on.
Let's do this.
[tierra whack, "walk the beat"]
Alexander Wang with
the Helmut Lang, ghetto
fab so I'm still
eating chicken wings.
Versatile so I can
keep switching lanes.
I got plenty Janes.
I got plenty rings.
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
[vacuum whirring]
Mom usually moves the
couch and vacuums under it.
Yeah, your mama went loco.
Beat.
Ain't nothing to a queen,
you ain't said a thing.
But Jim Carrey, but
they bite the slang.
Like to call him necklace
cause he want to hang.
He was going nuts
so I let him hang.
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
That's just the way it goes.
Appreciate you inviting me...
Hey, bro.
What you doing?
Love, love, love.
Tanya, this is stellar.
All right, everyone.
See you back here at 9:00 AM.
Get some rest.
We got a big day tomorrow.
I'm ready to meet your friend.
Cuh-caw!
[caws]
Hey, bud.
I missed you.
Yeah, it's great in that she
ghosted me today and went away
on the...
Nope, no.
Hey, give her one more shot.
If she doesn't see how great
you are, she don't deserve you.
Period, end of story.
Can you please mind your
own damn business for once?
Please.
Damn.
Is it the girl from the office?
Mhm.
That is how it's done.
How'd you do that so quickly?
Canva, sis.
Could have saved mom's sanity.
[thud]
[sizzling]
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
That's just the way it goes.
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
That's just the way it goes.
Yeah.
Alexander Wang, with
the Helmut Lang.
Ghetto fab, so I'm still
eating chicken wings.
Versatile, so I can
keep switching lanes.
I got plenty Janes.
I got plenty rings.
Ain't nothing to a queen.
You ain't said a thing.
But that Jim Carrey,
but they bite the slang.
Like to call him necklace
cause he want to hang.
He was going nuts
so I let him hang.
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
That's just the way it goes.
Fashion shows, fancy clothes.
That's just the way it goes.
I'll be honest, I've
never felt cooler.
And I never felt more at peace.
Where's Kenny?
Yo.
You look perfect, little bro.
Look at you, all cleaned up.
What I'm saying.
Hey, hey, hey.
All right.
Last review.
Let's go.
Remarkably with local,
wild-caught scallops
and hickory-smoked bacon.
OK.
Mini wagyu beef Wellington.
OK.
Mini vegan quiche with spinach.
Oh.
Manhattan clam chowder with
Flamin' Hot Cheeto sprinkles.
And all the food tonight is?
No nuts, no gluten,
no lawsuitin.
My dogs.
[doorbell]
Oh, my god.
Thank you for coming.
We got you, girl.
Come on.
You guys are saving
my life right now.
It's what we hoes do.
Yeah, you're never
living that one down.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Rose?
What is it, Caroline?
Something?
Your girl's a fake.
You think this rebrand is
going to work behind some kid?
We need to do something.
You're right.
We do.
I'm writing you up for
filing a false claim
against a co-worker.
Get out of your
own way, Caroline.
But Rose, this...
Hey, Tanya?
I was just wondering
if we were still cool.
Oh, yeah, totally.
You know, actually, we should
go and grab a beer afterwards.
OK.
Gus, you are a
liar and a scumbag.
Either you tell Rose, or I will.
Tell Rose what?
We were just discussing
the decor of the house.
It's so un Libra.
Don't touch him, Rose.
You don't know where he's been.
Unfortunately, I do.
Maybe it's the champagne,
but I'm not following.
I saw him making
out with some lady.
I'm just not sold on the
whole "monogamy" thing.
Why are you putting
it in quotation marks?
It's a very clear concept.
And I believe I
already told you,
if you're not into the
whole "monogamy" thing,
then you can pound sand and
stop wasting my g*dd*mn...
You know what?
I'm not going to give
you the satisfaction
of causing a scene.
Let's go, Tanya.
We have a company to save.
I'm right on top of that, Rose.
Rose, cause a scene with me.
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you for joining
us as we present to you
the future of Libra.
Based on recent
news, you might have
thought that wasn't a thing.
But let me assure you, it is.
And here to guide us
through it is our hostess
and the brains behind this
tectonic shift, Tanya Crandell.
[applause]
Thank you, Rose.
For generations, Libra
has reigned supreme
in the world of young
women's mall fashion.
When Rose and I were in high
school, all we wanted to do
was look just like
the cool kids.
But for this generation,
that ain't going to cut it.
Today, "cool" means
individuality,
environmental sustainability,
and social responsibility.
So we're switching our style up.
We're ditching the
brick and mortars,
we're going fully
online, and we're
using all vintage looks
for our new fashions.
Welcome to tomorrow's Libra.
[applause]
Shelly, like all of
tonight's models,
is wearing an entirely
vintage outfit.
Uh-oh.
Bye-bye, outsourced
manufacturing
and overseas shipping.
All it takes to build this look
is sending our buyers on a trip
down Melrose.
And our ads will go
from glossy and fabulous
to Juergen Teller
Casper-style direct flash
so young women will
feel like they're just
scrolling through their
feed and not being sold to.
Gabby's outfit comes
from multiple decades,
but it feels timeless.
No disposable fashion
here, just a sick look
that's easy on the environment.
Monique's outfit is
reconstructed mechanics
jumpers, for young
women who aren't
afraid to get a little dirty.
Fierce.
Pose.
Pose.
Uh-oh.
But girls aren't the only
ones who want to have fun.
Our looks are for
her, him, and them.
Ethan's gear is from
military surplus,
for a look that's
Hotel Oscar Tango.
Duana's animal print style comes
from fashion so '80s, they'll
have you asking, who shot J.R?
And like all of Libra's
fashions moving forward,
they are 100% vegan...
No leathers and no feathers.
And what about our
dedicated retail staff?
Inspired by the path of our
valued team member, Caroline
Harper, who, by the way,
digitized all of our QED
reports, they'll
stay in the family,
becoming buyers,
scouring vintage stores
in their local markets,
pulling pieces to be reviewed
by our design team.
So you see?
Huge changes are
happening, here at Libra,
and you do not want to leave
the party before midnight.
It ain't midnight, but y'all
need to leave my house right
now.
And to prove that style wears
no generation, we have Simone...
Latanya Sue Ellen Crandell, if
you don't get these mother...
I'm going in and meditate as
I can feel my rage monster
about the escape this cage.
But what y'all will not do
is be here in 20 minutes.
And these people
look like they steal.
Shit.
Go, go.
You heard her.
Everyone out.
You got 20 minutes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you, insane?
Go ahead, finish.
Finish.
It's OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm a 17-year-old kid, and
I lied to get this job.
And that's the
thing about lying.
You have to tell another lie
to cover up the last one,
and then you drag everyone into
your false reality, and then...
And then you end
up hurting people
that you really care about.
I swear, I didn't mean to.
Board members, please, please
don't take this out on Libra.
Please keep everyone
here employed.
Well, you're probably down
to 15 minutes now, so...
Please don't test my mother.
And that, ladies and
gentlemen, is the level
to which we take seriously the
perspective of our customer.
And you heard it straight
from the horse's Gen Z mouth.
[applause]
Bryan?
Bryan, Bryan, what
are you doing here?
Getting Tanya back.
Wait.
Is that the girl
you've been talking to?
Yeah.
Oh.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Oh, my.
Hi.
Hi.
Cute outfit.
I'm Joan.
But you can call me Joe.
I'm Rose.
Nice to meet you, Rose.
Love the update.
Fabulous.
Have we met before?
Hello?
I swear, if one of y'all
don't speak right now.
Mom?
Mom, why didn't you call first?
I don't need permission
to come to my home.
Why are y'all throwing
parties in my house,
and why are you hanging
around grown folks,
and where the hell did you get
money to pay for a skate ramp?
Oh, that's a half pipe, mom.
Boy.
Mom, Tanya got a
really well-paying job
to take care of us because
we didn't have any food.
She didn't call you for help
because if you came home,
you wouldn't get better.
That's all she cared about.
She did it for you.
Well, why the hell didn't
Kenny get a job, too?
Racism.
Mom, you are really
worked up right now
and that's not good for you.
So Zack, Melissa,
and I are going
to tear down and clean up.
Got it.
And let's get some rest.
And in the morning, Kenny
will make some crepes
and I'll tell you everything.
Sweet or savory, mom?
Your crepes.
Sweet.
Wait, he can cook?
And I can see his teeth?
We've missed you.
But the summer brought
us closer together.
We're not just siblings anymore.
We're friends.
Only that she was
hosting a fashion
company in her backyard.
What do you mean,
why didn't I know?
Who didn't tell you?
She couldn't tell me the truth.
Your middle name is "Sue Ellen?"
Please, don't.
Well, they're pressed to
promote me in production now.
I'm going to see if I can get
them to agree to a crazy salary
while they're buzzed.
I'm sorry, Bryan.
Unsolicited, this time.
You got to understand.
I was doing way too
much, and it has
nothing to do with the way...
You know, first, I was mad
because you're being shady.
Then I saw all
this here tonight,
and I was mad because
you were lying to me.
And now I'm impressed.
Ms. "I have no plan, but
I kind of like fashion"
just saved a whole ass fashion
company with her ideas?
I'm also grateful we're
finally in the same reality.
What you got there?
Oh, that?
Well, it's no big deal.
I was just playing
some arcade games
and just won every
single bear in existence.
I'm not saying I'm
a romantic genius.
I'm also not saying...
too long.
Looking at me, you
get goose bumps.
You kids today.
I'll text your mom.
Are you going to
have me arrested?
For what?
Fraud?
Please, the dumb shit I
did when I was your age,
I'd still be in jail today.
You learned to play the game.
That's half of being
an adult. The rest
is just bills, weddings,
and anti-aging skincare.
The board thought that
scene was part of the show.
They praised us for
our histrionic flair.
Pull a LeBron.
Skip college.
Come work for me.
I don't know.
I'm still a teenager.
Got a lot of dumb
shit left to do.
All right.
Playing hard ball, I see.
Well, I'll keep you on
payroll as a remote employee.
And as part of our tuition
reimbursement program,
I'll pay for 75%
of Howard as long
as you major in fashion design.
That's my final offer.
Deal, boss lady.
A-frame.
Oh, f*ck it.
[music playing]
Where the hell
the babysitter at?
[record scratch]
Y'all did the right thing.
They would have shot
all y'all n*gg*s.
[music playing]
Can I help you?
I was thinking we
could help each other.
I just wanted to say you are
the baddest woman I've ever
seen in person.
Boy, I'm old enough
to be your mom.
Sounds like we're both
in our sexual primes.
Let me see your ID.
Yes, Ms. Officer.
Held back.
Twice.
[music playing]
OK.
Can you see the one
sitting by the bar?
I could pay for one, but this
ain't running game, girl.
I'm playing one.
But she a player too.
So trust I ain't
finna play with you.
Girl, why you in a rush?
I need to let her be in my...
I don't like the DM cause
cologne made to breathe in.
So you seen the worst
out in your night life.
But I could show
you a good time...
Orin Stiegel live on scene
with some sad news today.
A car was recovered from a lake
in the San Fernando Valley.
[sirens, horns]
Sorry, Calvin.
It's really loud over here.
A lot of things going on.
So inside was the body
of an elderly woman.
According to the
CHP, she appears
to have fallen
asleep at the wheel
under the influence of, quote,
"like a gallon of liquor."
This led local residents
to ask, what do we
do when our older neighbors
don't know when to say when?
Police were unable to find any
next of kin or any
relatives at all.
An unfortunate ending to an
apparently lonely,
miserable life.
Back to you, Kelvin.
[music playing]
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3