01x01 - The Initiative

[bunniefuu]

[mellow acoustic music playing]

Hi, Dad. It's Will.

Call me back when you get a chance.

I'm sure you've heard by now.

Maybe Dave mentioned it,
but I ordered a few too many tires.

I'm calling to let you know
it's not the end of the world

'cause I did get quite a good discount
on account of

people don't typically order
this many tires.

Um, but we're also making
a lot of progress here.

We're doing a lot of team building.

[man] No offense.

Your idea f*cking sucks.

[Will] I've got
a lot of very happy customers.

Where is my car?

You don't know what you're doing, do you?

This is the worst customer experience
I've ever had.

[Will] Stop doing that!
This lady is really upset!

And, um, you know, I've got some ideas

that I wanted to talk to you about.

Good ideas. You know, marketing ideas.

[song continues playing]

[Will] Which... The guys here love them.

It's not awful.

- It's awful.
- [Will] It's not awful!

And we might not need
to return these tires

because of the marketing ideas.

We might be able to sell 'em.

You can't tell me all the time...
You're always...

So call me back when you get a chance,
and I'll talk to you soon.

All right, Dad. Love you. Bye.

[automated voice] To send your message,
press one.

To erase and rerecord your message,
press two.

Message erased.

Hi, Dad. It's Will.

I'm good. How are you?

[grunts]

f*ck my stupid c**t!

[automated voice] To send your message,
press one. To era...

Message sent.

[gasps]

f*ck!

[automated voice] Goodbye.

♪ Maybe you don't see ♪

♪ Just what you done to me ♪

- ♪ If I'm in love, I don't wanna be... ♪
- [tire crashes]

♪ But with you, it came easy... ♪

[man 2] Hold it. You got a reporter?

[Will] The reporter is coming
to write a puff piece

about our new women's initiative,

which is, we're bringing women here

to make them feel comfortable.

Women are a totally untapped market.

For now, dude. We're about to tap 'em.

Okay, none of that. No. We're going
to corner the market for women.

We're gonna corner 'em?

No, no, no! We need to be better
at talking to women when they come here.

- I can make women comfortable. Easily.
- [Will] Okay. Okay.

- [man 1] You do it. Watch.
- So, hi, sir.

Sup?

[Will] I'd like to get an oil change.

Let's get you some lobsters and shrimp.

Why talk to me like that?
I have a boyfriend.

You got a boyfriend?
He's making you bring your car in here?

Sounds like it's a little, uh...
a little shaky.

It's not shaky.

Are you sure?

You look good.

I would treat you right.

Man like me, fine piece of ass like you...

Okay, guys.

Cal, I need you to take some tires
into the shop. And, Kilah...

[taps window]

Kilah, I need you to come out here
and help move the tires into the back!

We're gonna make a woman lug tires
into the back?

Women aren't mules, dude.
They're not donkeys.

I said no such thing
as mules, donkeys, women.

It's just Kilah.
She works here. She's paid.

I'd really like you
to respect the initiative.

I still don't know how we're
supposed to respect the initiative.

It... it... it means that women feel
comfortable coming here.

And then the idea is...

[man 1] We make 'em comfortable coming.

- [Will] Don't!
- [brays]

- Do not talk to the reporter.
- It's gonna be a good day.

Uh, yeah, I hope so.

I hope it's not a bad day.
What do you think the worst day is?

- [Will] The worst day?
- Yeah.

I don't know.
Probably the day the Jews were...

- Whoa!
- What the f*ck, man?

What the f*ck are you talk...
I was talking about Mondays.

I was Garfield.

Oh.

[upbeat music playing]

You're all set.

Thank you for shopping
at Valley Forge Automotive.

We hope you felt comfortable
the entire time, and we love you.

Shane!

- How was that?
- That was bad.

You cannot be out here today
when the reporter shows up.

- That wasn't good?
- [Will] No.

What about this next time...

Welcome to Valley Forge.

We want women to feel really comfortable
and good and safe with us.

- [Will scoffs]
- [Shane] Huh?

Okay, that's kind of
a good serial k*ller thing,

but those are the types of jokes...

I don't know
if the reporter will get those jokes.

All right. I won't go in there.

[Will] Good.

I might go in there.

- Don't!
- What if I go in there with you?

[man 3 laughing] Dude, she's f*cking gay.
She's a lesbian...

Oh no. The wops.

[man 3] What's the matter with you?

The job is lesbianic, but her behavior
towards me was not of a lesbian.

[man 3] That's her...

[Will] Go around back!

- Hey! Speaking of lesbos!
- Hey!

- Go around back!
- Go around?

Yes!

All right. Okay.

- [Will] Thank you.
- [man 3] Jesus!

- Ah, here he is.
- Hey, what the f*ck was that all about?

I'm sorry. I'm just trying
to keep the customer area clear today.

Will's got a reporter coming today.

- [man 3] Nice, dude.
- Is she hot?

It's actually a guy.

Oh shit, so it's serious.

- Congratulations. This is incredible.
- That f*cking rules.

- Thank you. Yeah.
- [man 4] It's big for the shop.

No wops out front.
It's a no-go zone for you guys.

- [laughs]
- [Shane] Treat it like a bath.

Oh! You guys hear our new commercial?

Yeah.

[man 4 on radio] Come down to Andiamo
Auto Sales! Our prices are low!

[men] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

- [man 4] You name it, we got it!
- Jesus!

Dude, turn that off.

[man 4] It's the best one you'll see...

What the f*ck was that?

Really obnoxious.

Loud, right?

Yeah, people f*cking hate it. [laughs]

Yeah. We hated it. I hated it.

- Did you really?
- [Shane] Yep.

- But was it memorable?
- It's all I've been thinking about.

Let's go!

That's what I'm talking about.
Mission accomplished.

- Genius marketer.
- [man 4] Thank you.

Speaking of chicks,
wait till you see this f*ckin' smoke.

- [Will] Guys!
- We just hired her.

- Look at those balboas.
- Damn, dude.

- Working the front desk.
- Natural.

- Yeah, that's nice.
- Nah, Will's actually more of an ass man.

[man 3] Really?

Ass man Willie. [laughs]

My boy! Hold on. I got something for him.

Let me show you

the greatest ass
you've ever seen in your life.

Oh wow. That is... that's...

I mean, that's a perfect, uh...

- That's a perfect ass.
- Yeah.

- Have you had sex with her?
- Nah, that's my cousin Claire.

Yeah.

Don't follow her like a pig, okay?

- I'm not gonna follow her!
- [Shane] He's gonna follow her.

- Would you have sex with that woman?
- Careful.

- Would I have sex with her...
- [Shane] Don't be rude.

Would you have sex with our cousin?
Yes or no?

You know, if it's not your cousin,
I'd, you know, knock the bottom out of it.

- Whoa, dude. That's their cousin.
- You can't be doing that.

I don't think you're getting
the gist of this, which is...

You would or wouldn't?

They respectfully showed you
their cousin's ass.

Would you have sex with my cousin or not?

- [thud]
- [Kilah] Oh my God! What the...

- Cal?
- What the f*ck?

What did you do?

Answer the question, Will!

Yes, I would have sex with your cousin.

- Was that that hard?
- It was impossible!

I was helping you, doofus!

Now we move on.

[Kilah whimpering and groaning]

[sighs] My God!

Well, it... I mean, doesn't look that bad.

Are you joking? It's 20 different colors.

Dude, that's f*cking bad.
They might remove that foot.

[Will] Don't say that!

We can go to the hospital.
But here's the thing.

You do do this all the time.

You've used up all your sick days.
Used up all your vacation days.

I did look the other way
after that Insane Clown Posse concert.

I couldn't get
the f*cking makeup off, okay?

Kilah, I need you to sit at the counter
until the reporter's gone,

then I'll take you to the hospital myself,

but I want him to see
that we make women feel comfortable here!

[cheery tune playing on radio]

[Will] All righty.

- [man] Hey.
- Got your oil change in there.

- [man] Awesome.
- Guys are working on it.

- Great.
- And again, you know, no charge on that.

- [man] Wow, okay.
- Yeah.

Thanks. That's very nice.
You're not trying to bribe me, are you?

[laughs nervously]

No! Obviously not. That's just...

I mean, it just helps to know somebody.

- [Cal] Don't.
- What?

[Cal] Don't go in there.
Just leave it alone.

- No.
- [Cal] Just leave it alone.

Is the smell of tires usually this strong?

- Is it... is it strong?
- Mm-hmm. It's very... Yeah.

- It's very common to have...
- [coughs]

The, um...

- Am I gonna sit and work like an assh*le?
- [Cal] No, you could sweep up.

I could sweep?
Am I a f*cking poor assh*le?

The smell can be overwhelming.

But if you go home,
a little shampoo in the hair?

It'll come right out.

I'm not gonna let the lamestream media
try to f*ck this shop up.

This is not the lamestream media.
This is a guy who's probably an intern.

f*cking journos in here.

- He's not a journo.
- Pissin' me off.

Well, let's get started.

You mind if I grab one of the mechanics,
bring them in?

Why?

I think it would just, you know,
bring a better shape to the article.

Uh, they're pretty busy out there.
I mean...

I mean, it's five minutes.
I don't think it should be a problem.

- No.
- I think it'd be nice.

Okay.

[whispers] It's the thing
I told you earlier. You didn't listen.

[continues whispering]

What?

- Are you guys ready to start?
- [Will] Yes.

- [Shane] Yeah.
- Yeah? I'm not interrupting?

[Will] No!

All right. Well, why don't you start
by telling me about the new initiative?

Absolutely. So the initiative here

is that we are going to attract
more women to the shop.

Need mo' shorties.

Excuse me?

Shouties... shorties.
It... it just means women.

- So, you know, shop parlance. Stop.
- [reporter] Got it.

[Will] One of the things we're gonna do

is make women feel more comfortable
in an industry,

this is pretty interesting,

that typically doesn't make
women feel comfortable.

[clears throat]

And how do you plan on making them
feel more comfortable?

Um... Well, there's, uh...

Massage.

What?

It was your idea. Nuru massages.

I'm sorry. Is that supposed to be funny?

What do you mean? Yes, me giving customers
Nuru massages is definitely funny.

Damn.

All right. My bad, dude.

His bad, okay? Whoops!

But anyway, listen, let's just focus
because you were asking me

how do we make
women feel comfortable here,

and one of the ways is the signs.

- I don't know if you saw?
- [reporter] Yeah.

Do you think by putting up pink signs,
women will feel more comfortable?

Is that what you thought?

No, no, no.
It's way more complicated than that.

It just seems a little reductive.

It does seem reductive,
now he's saying it.

It's not reductive!

Okay. So, pink posters.

Do you have anything else, like...
Do you have a plan, or is this maybe...

Of course there's a plan.

Only a f*cking idiot would set
this meeting up and not have a plan...

Shane, I'm trying to explain the plan,
which is... which is... which is...

hiring more women... like Kilah.

[reporter] So that woman?

You hired her?

Yeah, and... and... this is the new face
of the auto repair industry.

New face and tits.

Okay. What's your name?

Shane. 6'3". Two-forty.

- He's my cousin.
- [reporter] Okay.

Okay, and there's no need
to be writing any of that down.

No, no, no.

I've been in your paper.
You might remember me.

Is that right?


St. Mary's. Defensive end.

First team?

No, I was actually honorable mention.

Now, that's funny!

- [Will] Okay. Wait.
- What the f*ck's funny about that?

I came all the way out here
from the paper...

You drove all the way down here
from the big paper...

You drove all the way down here
from the big paper. Thank you.

Yeah, and it seems like
this is one big joke.

It's no joke!

- It's no joke!
- [Shane] Extra! Extra!

Broads are getting hired down at the shop!

That's good. That's a good headline
for you. You could use that.

I'm not taking headline advice from
someone who changes tires for a living.

Ooh!

Oklahoma drill right now.
You and me in the shop.

- I'll put you through a f*ckin' wall.
- That's enough.

- [phone ringing]
- Sit down!

- Somebody get the phone!
- How long have you worked here?

- How long have I worked here?
- [reporter] Yes.

Well, you know,
there's a ton of different ways to...

Kilah, can you please get the phone?
Kilah!

By the way,
have you seen the flowers I put out?

- [reporter] I saw them.
- And I got a question for you.

- How long have you been a reporter?
- [reporter] Nine years.

I have a question.
How long have you known ligma?

What's ligma?

- Lick my balls, dumbass.
- [phone ringing]

I can't believe you didn't get that.
Kilah! Get the phone!

What are you writing?
I yell at her all the time.

Valley Forge Auto.
This is Will. How can I help you?

[man] Zip it, dickwad.
You're in deep shit.

Your dad is pissed off.

Hello, Dave. Can I actually call you back
in two minutes?

[Dave] No. Talk to me now.

- Great! I'll talk to you in a sec.
- [Dave] What are you talking about?

- Bye-bye.
- [Dave] Don't hang up on...

All right. Let's just take five. Okay?

Shane, you go back out to the shop,
and I will go call that gentleman back.

Then I'll come back in here, and you and I
will start the interview on the record.

This was on the record.

Hey, is my car almost ready?

[cell phone ringing]

Why the f*ck did you order 500 tires
from True Thread?

- Well...
- Just admit you f*cked up.

Is that why you called me?
To hear me say I f*cked up?

Because I did get a huge discount
buying in bulk.

You didn't know there was a discount
till after you bought 'em, dickhead.

Yeah. Well, they didn't know
that mold on bread, uh, would be

an antibiotic, uh...

You know. Is my dad there?

Well, he's not here, so I'm in charge.

If my dad's not there,
he's still in charge.

There's a chain of command.
What if something happened to your father?

If something happened,

my mother and I
would still have to settle his affairs.

God forbid.

Is that what you're trying to do?

Trying to k*ll your father?

Take over this business
in a palace coup situation?

Do you think you're Uday Hussein?

I wanted to k*ll that f*cking guy.

It's okay.
Don't worry about it. I'll fix it.

- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
- [Will] Okay.

- [Shane] You forgive me?
- Yes.

I wanna fix it with us, dude.

- Okay, shut up. I'm on the phone.
- I know what you like.

[Dave] You can't manage the guys
in your shop, let alone...

[grunting]

[Dave] Return the tires!

Dave, I can't just return them
because there's a massive restocking fee.

So what I'm thinking is

we come up with a marketing initiative...

Will, come on.
You've been working here for two months.

All of a sudden,
you think you're Don Draper?

- Come on!
- You need to focus on your leadership.

Not spending thousands you don't have.

- You love your cousin sucking your d*ck.
- [laughs]

I'm sorry, is something funny, Will?

Yes, kinda!

- [sighs] f*ck.
- I'll open the door for you.

[Will laughing]

I'm hanging up now.

Don't spend another f*cking dime

unless you clear it by me
and your dad first, okay?

- [Shane] I want you to finish for me!
- [laughing]

[sighs] f*cking idiot. I swear to God.

Good morning. Do you mind if I ask you
a few questions about the shop?

Sure.

When Will hired you,

did he mention his initiative
or explain anything about it?

What? No.
Will didn't hire me. His dad did.

Oh.

I got transferred from the main store
'cause I called a customer a f*g.

Okay, so...

You got a wife?

- No, I have a girlfriend.
- That's not what I asked.

- f*ck, Kilah!
- Don't you take notes for a living?

- Sorry we got off on the wrong...
- Did you not hire this woman?

Well, technically,

no, but my dad did,
and I am my father's son...

But you said you did.

Okay, you're mixing up my words.

Also, she said you wouldn't let her leave
after being injured.

Well, she's an alcoholic, so...

Look, why don't we go back in my office
so we can sort this out?

- Let's go back to my office and re-talk.
- No. Look, I have my story, okay?

I mean, it's still
a lighthearted puff piece, right?

Right?

No!

When my car is ready, let me know.

[slow country music plays]

[Will] Well, I totally f*cked up.

It'll be all right. Or it won't.

I... I don't know what you were thinking.

[scraping]

Uh-oh!

What a mistake.

- I know.
- Everyone knew what you were doing.

You were trying to get some p*ssy in here,
which is actually pretty chill.

You shouldn't have gone in there.

Want me to fix it?

Yes.

Admit you're a dirty little pervert.

- Okay, I'm a dirty little pervert.
- Ew, dude.

Shane! You know...

I can help you.

How?

I'm not gonna teach you my ways.
You just have to trust me.

That feels like a trap.

It's not a trap, dude. I promise.

Also,

can't get any worse.

[Cal] It could.

I bet it could.

I'm certain it could.

It's not going to get worse.
I'm gonna take care of this.

[Will] Why did you do that
with your eyebrows?

Do what?

[Shane] Hey, mind if we chat?

One minute. I promise.

I know it's been a weird day.

I wanna say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.

It's been...

it's been wild.

And I want you to know
I do think Will has the best intentions.

And the truth is, we do want women here.

We want women
to feel comfortable here, you know?

There's not a garage for miles
that women feel comfortable at.

It's gotta suck.
You come in here. You need help.

You gotta talk to
the dumbest f*cking guys on earth.

And we want them to feel comfortable.
We do. We wanna be that change.

Well, I appreciate your apology.

I think that is... noble.

Yeah.

And I wanna say I'm sorry.
I was acting... I was kinda being a d*ck.

Truth is, I was just...

I was upset because,

originally, this was all...
this was my idea.

Right?

Yes.

It was my idea.

- It was a bad idea.
- Well...

And I gotta come to terms with that,

that most of the ideas I have
are very f*cking dumb.

I think you're being
a little hard on yourself.

These ideas are
really tough to come up with.

These are, and I mean this,

and I hate to beat myself up like this
in front of you guys,

some of the dumbest
f*cking ideas, consistently.

Look at that sign.
I came up with that. "You'll go, girl."

I think you did a great job with it.

I think that's... insane behavior.

What the f*ck was I thinking?
I'm a f*cking idiot.

Honestly, one of my problems is I haven't...

I haven't had sex in, like, a decade.

[Will] No.

- Yeah.
- I think you had sex recently.

Remember, you told everybody?

No, I told everyone, but I was lying.

And... everyone I told that to
knew I was lying.

I can hear them. They talk. I hear them.

They make fun of me
because of how blatant the lie was.

[car approaching]

They knew?

Oh yeah.

They knew.

[car doors slam]

- [indistinct background chatter]
- Anyway, what I'm trying to say...

Oh no, the wops.

- The wops!
- What?

Ass man Willie, let me tell you something.
We have some fantastic news.

- Guys.
- Will! Will! Hey, pal.

You're never gonna believe this.
That woman we hired with the perfect tits?

She also has an OnlyFans
and a perfect ass.

[man 4] Look at that right there.

- Who?
- [man 4] What do you mean "who"?

What are you doing?

The girl with the tits that we hired
also happens to have a fantastic ass!

You love perfect asses!

- [reporter] I'm outta here.
- No, no! Wait!

Take my f*cking car down.

- [Will] If you give me a few minutes...
- He almost had me.

I had you, p*ssy.

I was gonna let all this shit go,
but not now.

Come on! It's just a puff piece!

Is this the reporter?

Yes, it's the reporter.
Just write a nice piece, please.

No! I don't have to do that. I don't.

And you guys don't even advertise with us,
so it's not like I have to kiss your ass.

Wait. What would make you
have to kiss our ass?

What?

[Will] Well, I had to buy
four months of ad space.

And the price of the ad
is dependent on the size of it.

And these are going to be enormous.

[sighs deeply]

[Will] Sometimes, you gotta spend money
to make money.

And in this case,
I was sort of forced to spend money.

But we'll make...

[slow country music playing]

Dave? f*ck.

[music continues]

♪ Oh, I was walkin' on
Walkin' by myself ♪

♪ The Lord done came to me
And asked me for my help ♪

♪ Well, maybe once I'd called
I was blinded by the light ♪

♪ And asked me for a ride
'Cause there's a tractor show tonight ♪

♪ Just meet me at the bar
'Cause I'll be there at noon ♪

♪ And beer is like my life
You'll see it empty soon ♪

♪ Drivin's just too hard
Forget about all that ♪

♪ It's time for me to go ♪

♪ You know I'm walkin' back soon ♪

♪ I won't catch hell ♪

[song ends]