01x03 - Sales Contest

[bunniefuu]

[phones ringing in background]

[chomping loudly]

[clears throat]

Well, fellas, I told you we had a plan
to bring in new customers.

I think we did a good job.

Honestly, I like
Will's tricking women idea better.

That wasn't the idea.

But I agree with the tone.

Dave, this is gonna attract
the worst customers.

It's going to attract customers
though, right?

And then it's your job to upsell them
once they're in the door.

What if we did a... a, uh... a special...

Will. Will.

Your little lesbian discount
kind of blew up in all our f*cking faces.

- Let me do the thing.
- That wasn't the idea.

We can all agree the idea was
to get lesbians to buy stuff.

- That was the idea.
- Only lesbians would've responded.

Continue, Dave.

Now, to incentivize you guys,
we're gonna make this a contest.

Gonna get the competitive juices flowing,
show some f*cking pride.

You versus Belmont,
our other incredibly shitty store.

And the winner gets a $300 gift card!

That's pretty nice.

Is it a full $300?
'Cause sometimes there's, like, a fee

when you use it.

Cal, I mean this
as respectfully as possible.

I think you spent too much time
inhaling exhaust fumes,

and I don't need you
throwing out any comments.

Copy that.

[clears throat] Normally I'd say you guys
are f*cked in any kind of competition,

but I think you got
a pretty nice shot at this thing

'cause Belmont's like
f*cking Fallujah right now.

[man] You see how loud your brakes are?
You need the brakes!

- I don't want them!
- You want them!

[man 2] I don't!

Whoever's got the Honda,
I'd love to work on your car,

but there's a tuna sandwich in there.
It f*ckin' stinks!

All right, fellas. Well, listen.

Good luck.

I believe in you.

I'll call you later.

Well, this blows.

[Cal] We gotta get that card.

[Shane] Yo, Dave. Hold up.

I can't believe you still drive this.

Dog, this is like a lighthouse
for waitress p*ssy.

I get so much head in this car.

You get head in it?

- [Dave] Oh yeah.
- No, you don't.

Can I help you with something?

Yo, are we closing?
Is our shop shutting down?

What?

No, man.

Yeah, the discount.
The big f*cking discount.

That's what happens at stores
that are about to close. We're closing?

Look, Shane, I can't divulge specifics

on the economic health
of the Valley Forge Automotive Empire,

but... if there was a time to start caring,

it's now, my man.

[somber music playing]

You wanna watch me peel out?

Yeah, absolutely.

- [Dave] f*ck yeah, dude!
- [beeping]

You don't get f*cking head in there, dude!

Yes, I f*cking do!

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[crash]

[door chimes]

[Will] Hi. Welcome to Valley Forge Auto.

- Hey.
- What can we do for you today?

Um...

[speaking Mandarin]

[speaking Mandarin]

He's here for an oil change.

[speaking Mandarin]

- He's here for that oil change.
- [Will] Oil change. Got it.

Is there anything else
the car might need, or...

[speaking Mandarin]

Just the oil change.

Okay. Well, can I just have
your key, and then...

Thank you, and, um,
we'll get it in the system,

and then I'll get one of the guys
to start on it very shortly.

[speaking Mandarin]

[foreboding country music playing]

[music ends]

[gentle country music
playing in background]

Well, ma'am, uh, I wanted to talk to you...

Hello, ma'am. I wanted to talk to you...

Or, actually, your... your uncle,

or, uh, grandfather? Father?

Who is he?

Anyway, I wanted to talk about
his vehicle.

Hello, ma'am. I wanted to talk to you
about the maintenance...

What are you doing?

Just rehearsing.

That was...

It sounded good.

Thank you?

I think you're doing a great job.

- Thanks. W... what are you doing?
- I think we can beat Belmont today.

Okay. Yeah, we can beat Belmont.

- No, we need to. We need to win.
- I know. What's gotten into you?

Nothing. I just want the gift card.
Look... it is important we win this.

Yeah, I know.

If you're gonna hit my penis,
just hit my penis. Get it over with!

We're good. We're fine.
We're good. We're good.

Of course we're gonna be all right.

All right.

[breathes deeply]

Hello, ma'am. I'd like to talk to your...

What the f*ck was that?

[tense music playing]

[music fades]

Hey, has anyone, uh, helped you out yet?

Whoa!

You're a big guy.

Yeah? Like, in a good way?

- Yeah.
- Hell yeah. What do you need?

Uh, oil change.

- Yeah, I can... I can do that for you.
- [woman] Awesome. Cheap.

It's quick too.

- Not too quick.
- [woman] No?

- [Shane] It'll be quick. I'm just...
- [laughs] Yeah.

- Here. Take the keys.
- Did you see that reflex?

[woman] That was pretty good.
It's impressive.

[woman 2] ...jumbo pool in the backyard.
I am sick of the kiddie pool!

Damn it. Look, you gotta stop
putting that shit on your lips

because every time you drink my soda,
all I can taste is bubblegum.

- You're such a f*cking complainer.
- I'm not a f*cking complainer.

All you do is complain!

- [man] f*cking...
- Hello! Welcome to Valley...

[man] Yo, what's up?

So the cheap oil change. 9.95.
That's all I need.

All I need is the oil change.
Nothing else.

Don't try and upcharge me
on some bullshit like an air filter

or a g*dd*mn moonroof or anything
like that. Just the oil change.

Okay. Well, we'll bring the car in,

look it over,
make sure it doesn't need anything else.

- It doesn't.
- You don't know that.

I do know that.
I work on that car all the f*cking time.

I just don't have the oil.

Is that your blue Hyundai out there?

Yeah.

It's smoking.

Yeah, man. It needs oil, okay?

- Okay.
- [man] Keys.

Grab a seat, preferably as far away...

Maybe if you wanna wait outside.
It's nice weather.

Okay. So let's game-plan this out.

I personally think
that the best customer to upsell

would be the Chinese pair.

And I'm pretty sure that they're Chinese
because I thought I heard some Mandarin,

and I took two years of Mandarin
in high school.

- You speak Mandarin?
- [Will] Just a little bit.

- [Shane] Let me hear it.
- No.

You gotta practice
before we go out there and use it.

Okay. I would say something like, uh...

[speaking Mandarin]

That was f*cking good, dude.

Right? It's not bad.

What else do you know?

I can also do "Happy Birthday."
I can sing "Happy Birthday."

[singing "Happy Birthday" in Mandarin]

See, you can't...

I can actually speak
a little Japanese myself.

Oh!

Godzilla!

Don't come in here again.
We're tired of you, Godzilla.

You keep ruining all our stuff.

Shane... Okay.

If you... Yes...

I don't think...
Dude, for real, the best one is the MILF.

- I'm not writing "MILF."
- Write "mature naturals."

She's ready to go. That's an easy sell.

And then there's white trash,
which we could just all agree on.

Yeah, that's trash.

Okay. They're the worst.
They are a nightmare.

- But talk to me about...
- Trust me on this.

- She has a vibe. I'll give you that.
- [Shane] She has a very sexual vibe.

You should have seen it.
I walked out there. She was like...

She was like, "Holy shit,
you're f*cking huge." I was like...

- Did she really say that?
- [Shane] Something like that.

She will respond to sexual energy
if you can bring it, dude.

You got a shot at this.

- Kilah saw it. Am I wrong?
- Yeah.

Women like her respond to sexual energy.

She's horny as f*ck.

Got a work order.
That lady needs an alignment.

Oh, okay.

What's that?

Will called a meeting
to show us all his porn searches.

Shane! We are just game-planning.

Oh yeah, throw stepsister on that.

I'm trying to tell Will
to flirt with that lady.

- I don't think you're f*cking with me.
- I'm not. Let me see it.

I'd be like,
"Hey, we had a look at your car

and noticed that the tires are
a little, uh...

a little smooth on the outside."

- Ooh!
- "And, uh, we gotta do an alignment."

- Bad boy energy.
- [Will] Yeah.

Nothing we can do about it. Back up?

Dude, you're gonna get me hard.

- Just be confident, not sexual.
- [Will] I can do it.

I don't know if you can do it.

You think I don't know
how to sell with sex? Watch this.

- Ew!
- Shane!

[scraping]

Hey.

Hey.

[Will grunting]

[chuckles]

Technician had a look at your car,
and we're gonna have to do an alignment.

Okay.

And...

if you want, I can go around back
and top your fluids off for you.

[clicks tongue]

What?

I was just... I could top your...

You know. [clicks tongue]

You clicked at me?

And what is that face?

No, there's no face!

- Were you making a sexual pass at me?
- Ma'am, no! Sir, private conversation!

- He was making a sexual pass at me, right?
- I was not!

- If clicking did exist, it was...
- I wanna talk to your manager.

Well, I am the manager.

- So what's going on over here? Nothing!
- [woman] Good luck with that.

Who was the big doof at the front desk?

What? No. He just said that
he had a lot of sexual energy with you...

- Oh, really?
- [Will] Yeah.

Sexual energy?

I don't want the alignment.
I don't want anything about it.

Give me the keys. I'm getting out of here.

- W... wait!
- [door chimes]

[Shane] Oh f*ck.

You f*cked up, dude.

This is bad. She wanted me.
I don't know what you did wrong out there.

I guess we can go ahead
and cross off "mature naturals."

She's out. I could've had her.

I was reeling her in. [clicking tongue]

You couldn't get it, could you?
I went, "Whoa! Hold on there, tuna!"

I would've f*cked that lady. You blew it.

I didn't blow it.
I saved you. That was a crazy lady.

Crazy ladies are the best, dude.

I would've brought her back here,
cleared this desk off. "Come here."

"Oh! Jesus! No one's ever done this!"

"Oh, f*cking hell."

"Oh, you're gonna make me f*cking jizz."

"Oh shit, lady!"

[moaning]

Anyway...

Chinese.

I think I should move on
and just take care of the white trash now.

No. That's gotta be Kilah.

Got a better chance of speaking Mandarin
than white trash.

- Kilah's fluent.
- Is that right?

You know how there's a frequency
only dogs can hear?

That's how she is with white trash shit.
Try it. Get her attention.

Kilah!

Kilah!

Nothing. Watch this...

Oh f*ck! I spilled coffee Coolatta
all over my scratch-offs.

[Kilah gasps]

She's gonna do great out there.

You focus on Chinese.

The problem is...

Chinese people don't use gweilos
as their mechanics.

They usually use other Chinese people.

Unfortunately, we don't have
any Chinese mechanics.

But we do have...

[stringed instrument strummed]

[pop music playing faintly]

I don't normally talk to customers.

I know that's been the rule for a while,
but I'm gonna break the glass

because... I think you would really
help me sell to this Asian guy.

Why now?

You have a vibe.

I have an Asian vibe?

You're tranquil, Cal.

Okay, I'll help you on one condition.

No Chinese.

- Yes, Chinese.
- You don't need it.

Chinese is the whole thing.
That's not a good idea. [speaks Mandarin]

Not good. [speaks Mandarin]

[Cal] No, just explaining the work
is the whole thing.

- [Will] Just tell me what it needs.
- It needs struts.

Do you know how to explain struts?

We took care of the oil change.
The oil change is done.

I noticed that
your struts are a little worn out.

You'll want to get those replaced.

You're probably experiencing
a little bit when you're driving,

bouncing like you're on a jet ski

'cause it's affecting the way
your tire makes contact with the road.

If it gets a little slippery out there,
it's gonna be a real mess.

Oh, ma'am. Ma'am?

I... I think what he's saying
is that the struts are very dangerous

and need to be replaced.

Could you translate that?

[customers speaking Mandarin]

Oh... oh...

I'm sorry, uh...

You just... You did this.

- No, I didn't.
- [Will] Yeah, you did this.

And I... I didn't say anything
where you would do this while saying it.

I think it's more like
"dangerous, dangerous."

[screams quietly]

So, I mean, maybe try again. Take two.

[customers speaking Mandarin]

Dangerous. You know, 'cause...
boom-boom, boom-boom, smash!

Oil change!

Just the oil change, please.

Listen, I think we might have gotten off
on the wrong foot.

Here's something that might
sort of impress you a little bit.

I speak a little bit of Mandarin.

Don't do that.

- Does anybody have a birthday coming up?
- What?

[singing "Happy Birthday" in Mandarin]

You f*cked that one up.

Ever since you sex-harassed
my beautiful MILF, we're down 95 bucks.

And probably
a pretty awesome sexual experience.

We are in a bit of a pickle.

How do you think Belmont's doing?

[phone rings]

Valley Forge Belmont.

Hey.

Hey, Will.

What's up?

Nothing. What's up with you?

You sell something?

Yeah, we sold some stuff.

Us too.

Will, that gift card is ours.

- You understand?
- So what have you sold?

What did I sell?

Brakes, rotors,

windshield wipers.

- They didn't sell that.
- You didn't sell that!

Who's that? Shane?

- f*ck you, bitch!
- f*ck you. Tell him f*ck you.

Are you sitting there on your computer,

Shane's in your ear, being fat?

You're being a p*ssy?
I don't have time for it.

I got a garage full of cars,
and they all need work.

- You wish!
- You wish!

We're gonna take that gift card
and go to Red Lobster.

We don't give a f*ck.
We're going to Red Lobster.

- We're going to Red Lobster!
- No, we're going!

- No, we are!
- We're going to...

To be fair, Chipotle.
But, I mean, you get the tone!

Yeah, Chipotle is good.
The guys here love Red Lobster, so...

- The f*ck you talking about?
- Hey, Will. Listen to this.

f*cking prick.

This is bad.

Come on, god dammit!
We gotta win this thing!

I'm gonna go sell to...
I'm gonna go sell to the white trash.

You can't.

That's a horse only Kilah can ride.
They'd f*cking hate you.

Me and Kilah are
gonna sell it to these people.

All right. Well, you gotta get pumped up.
Do you have a song that pumps you up?

I'm not gonna listen...

Do you listen to music before...
What do you listen to?

Pirates of the Caribbean theme song.

g*dd*mn.

Adventure on the high seas?
Give it a listen.

[pop music playing faintly]

Yeah, your brakes are f*cked.
And that squealing you hear?

It's called the rotors,
and those are also f*cked.

Don't I know you?

One moment.

I definitely stabbed this girl's brother
in high school. I gotta go.

- You can't.
- [Kilah] It was me.

- I know it was you.
- Excuse me, folks.

I gotta go take a poop.

f*ck.

Yeah, I'm not paying for rotors, dude.

Okay. Look, your inspections
are gonna be due soon.

You got a taillight out.
You'll never pass that.

I don't give a shit.
Just change the oil, man.

You got kids?

I noticed a lot of baby pictures
on the keychain.

My sister's kids.

Oh...

- They're cute.
- [woman chuckles] Yeah.

[Shane] Well, if for some insane reason
that woman left her children with you,

you're gonna want the car
to be safe, honestly.

Oh, that's really nice.

What are you gonna do? Suck his d*ck?

All right.

A little heads-up.
It's gonna take 45 minutes.

[woman] Okay, f*ck off, Darren.

I'm gonna level with you.
I saw the pills in the car.

I don't care. That's fine.
The reason I didn't bring it up

is 'cause Kilah would be
chewing through the dash to get them.

It is her.

[Shane] Look, dude, fixing a taillight's


You can get pulled over
for not having a taillight. Imagine.

You get pulled over.
Cops take all your f*cking pills.

Now you gotta hang out
with her sister's kids, pill-less?

- I... I...
- [wistful music playing]

Do the f*cking taillight.

- And the brakes.
- [Darren] Do them too.

It's gotta be safe.

Ugh!

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[rhythmic drumming]

Jeez, Will! What the f*ck?

I'm so sorry, Kilah!
I thought you were out smoking!

It could have shattered on me!

The one time you're working!

- Are you okay?
- [Kilah] What do you think?

I'm never gonna hear
the f*cking end of this.

[music playing in background]

Yo.

You f*cking lost.

Little Willie couldn't get the job done.
They sent the big dog to make the sale.

Uh... that'll be 250 total.

[Shane] ...fight the other day.
That's crazy.

- Run that.
- [Kilah] Okay.

Uh, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom real quick.

I don't care.

Boom. I'm the only one
that got a sale today, dude.

I get to decide where the gift card goes.

I get to divvy up that money, bitch!

[grunts] That's what the f*ck I thought.

[tires squeal]

[machine beeps]

Oh f*ck!

He gave me a Dave & Buster's gift card.

- What the f*ck?
- Well, how much money are we down now?

That's, uh,

negative 425.

[Shane] Jesus.

[foreboding music playing]

We're f*cked.

God, what a stupid initiative!

You gotta get rid of these tires, dude.
It stinks in here.

[Will] Yeah, I know. It stinks.

Just sell 'em for, like,
half off or something.

[intriguing music playing]

See, that's actually a good idea.

Because when people come in

for cheap tires,
they're still spending, like, $600,

and that's a lot easier to upsell.

While we had the tires off,
we did notice brakes.

They're already spending that money.

- Okay.
- Great. I'll get the guys on it.

- Thank you.
- [Will] Thank you.

We shouldn't do cheap oil.
We should do cheap tires.

- That's not bad, dude.
- Right?

I like it.

It's a good idea!

[door opens]

[door chimes]

- Hey.
- Hey!

Excuse you! Ma'am!

Hey, you.

- [Darren] Let's f*cking go!
- [Will] Hey!

[woman] f*cking... go!

- f*ck. We lost her again.
- [Will] My goodness! This is the exact...

See? We can't deal with that.

That sign's gotta come down!

Kilah!

[lively song playing in Spanish]