01x04 - The Rumor Mill

[bunniefuu]

- [upbeat instrumental music playing]
- Hi, I'm Gabe Marvis.

I'm a licensed chiropractor
in three states.

And this is my lovely wife's friend Gina,
who started as my friend,

but that's not really important.

Gina, we're gonna lay you down,
get that lower back stretched out.

All right. I'm gonna creep down here
to your lower back.

- You ready?
- [Gina] Mm-hmm.

- [bones crack]
- [Gina moans]

[Gabe] This will get you a bit deeper
into the stretch.

- [bones crack]
- [Gina moans]

That's nice.

- [Gina moans]
- [Gabe] Already got it.

Hey, turn this off. What is it?

It's chiropractor videos.

[Gina moans]

It's totally safe for work.

Can I have more of that one?

- [Gabe] More?
- [Gina] Yeah!

[Will] Jesus, Shane!

This is marketing. This is...
This guy's a genius.

He takes hot chicks,
puts 'em in yoga outfits.

He has no f*cking idea what he's doing.

He's pressing the f*ck
out of these girls' butts.

[Gina moans]

That's what you should do.
Bikini car wash.

Shane, we're not doing a bikini car wash.

Get a bunch of chicks out here,
hot chicks. Put 'em in bikinis.

Tell customers if they get a car wash,
we'll give 'em a discount on tires.

That's gonna work, dude.
Look at this. Millions of views.

[Gabe] ...nice and loose,
and that's not uncommon.

Close it out.
It is indistinguishable from porn.

[Gina] Oh my God.

I mean, if a customer walks in and, uh...

[Gina] Feels really good.

...sees this...

[Gabe] We'll loosen you up.

- [Will]...they'll...
- [cracking]

- [Gabe] Do you hear that?
- [Gina] Yeah.

- Oh wow!
- [Gabe] Deeper?

- [Shane] Yeah.
- [Gina] Yeah, deeper.

- Want me to send you a link to it?
- Yes.

- [Gabe] So tight.
- [door chimes]

Uh, hey, what's up?

- Will?
- Ant!

- How you doing?
- [Will] Good!

- This is Anthony. He's a gig worker.
- [Shane] Hey.

He's gonna help me build
a PowerPoint presentation

so I can pitch
the cheap tires idea to my dad.

And he's gonna help make some mock-up ads

'cause we wanna find
a big way to market this.

You have a Black friend?

Well, yes, but Ant is
a graphic designer that I hired.

But you're saying you have Black friends?

Yes.

Name one.

Uh...

- Dainian.
- Tomlinson?

Chargers' all-time leading rusher
LaDainian Tomlinson is your friend?

Okay, Ant is here to create a campaign
around the cheap tires idea.

So we need to come up
with some marketing ideas.

[Shane] Dude, tits. Bikini car wash.

- [Will] Not that.
- [Shane] You in a bikini.

- Classy, but eye candy for the fellas.
- [Will] That's enough. Okay!

[Shane] Carrying buckets like a milkmaid.

[Will] Shut the f*ck up!

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[crash]

What's up, Kilah? Delivery. Taillights.

Saw a bobcat on 202 this morning.

- Cool.
- Yeah, not my first time.

[phone ringing]

[on machine] Hi, you've reached
Dave Louvopolis from Valley Forge Auto.

Please leave a message,
and I'll get back to you very soon.

- [machine beeps]
- Dave, it's Will.

It's the third time I've called today.
Please call me back. Pronto.

Okay, so what do we got?

Okay, so far I came up with this.
What do you think?

Okay, that's a good start.

But, uh, what about this?

What if it's a stack of tires,
and I'm digging money out of them?

So your idea is just a Jewish guy
digging through a pile of money?

No, just don't draw me that Jewish.

You want me to make another person?

What?

- He's a computer guy, not Rembrandt.
- I'm just here for the day.

- [Will] Shane, why would you derail...
- Will, could I talk to you for a second?

- I'm busy!
- I need to talk to you.

- Say it here.
- I can't. Something I need to tell Will.

- We keeping secrets?
- [Cal] No.

- If you are, I'm gonna f*ck your day up.
- It's not a secret.

I had a dream last night,
and I need to tell Will about it.

I was back playing high school hockey.

My mom was a goalie.
She had spiders for legs.

- Oh my God. Go. Go.
- [Cal] Yeah, it was really...

[Shane] Go with him.

This dream better be shorter
than the one from yesterday.

There's no dream. I just needed a way
to get Shane off our back.

[intriguing music playing]

You help me with something?

No, I'm working on this PowerPoint.

f*ck that. That thing sucks.

Why don't you help me?

Is this gonna go in the PowerPoint?

- Listen, I got bad news.
- Oh.

I heard a rumor
that they're selling one of the shops.

[Will] One of ours?

Can you draw babes?

I can draw babes.

But, just to let you know,
I'm terrible with faces.

That don't matter none.

[Will] Which one?

I don't know. I assume the worst one,
which is Belmont or yours.

Whoa! Ours? Ours "worst one."

- Sure.
- Who told you?

Doesn't matter. It's a reliable source.

What if I said you could spend your day
getting paid to draw titties?

I'm listening.

f*ck!

Don't tell Shane, all right?
'Cause he'll tell everyone.

He's a gossip, like a high school girl.

- He is like a high school girl.
- Yeah.

Totally. Okay, I gotta go call Dave.

Okay, don't say anything weird.

Are you kidding me?
We're selling one of the stores?

From Cal I'm hearing that?

I'm due the respect of not hearing this
from a mechanic.

And, by the way, I hope it's Belmont.

It better be Belmont.

Because, you know,
there's a lot going on here.

Ideas, ton of 'em floating around.

Uh...

You're in trouble, buster.
That's all I'm saying.

I don't mean to yell.
If anybody's fired, it's f*cking you.

Tell my dad this.

If it's my store and it's not Belmont's,

Thanksgiving's gonna be f*cking nuts!

Dave, it's Will, by the way. Call me back.

[Shane] g*dd*mn, you weren't lying, man.
You suck at drawing faces.

But those tits are perfect.

Thank you. A lot of student loans
to make those tits.

You went to school for tit drawing?

No. Finance.

They kicked me out
for doing shit like this.

[drum riff plays]

- There you go, buddy.
- [phone rings]

Thank you for calling
Valley Forge Automotive Center in Wayne.

It's a wonderful day to be on the road.
This is Jeffrey.

Cooch, it's Will.

- Hey, Will.
- From Westchester.

Right. Right.

The boss's son.

Oh, Will! What's going on, big guy?

Well, a lot. Is my dad or Dave there?

No. They actually popped out
not too long ago.

Where'd they go?

They said they were going to a meeting,
and then Applebee's,

but Dave wanted to go to Outback because
they have the full-length bathroom doors.

Where is the meeting?

Uh, not sure. Maybe the Springfield store.

Hey, Will, uh...

[laughs softly]

How much chocolate milk
have you had today?

- Huh?
- [Cooch laughs]

You know, it's, like, 10:00 a.m.

Must have had,
like, three chocolate milks by now.

- What are you talking about?
- That's your thing, right?

You drink chocolate milk all day.

No!

That's not what we heard, dude. [laughs]

I never drink chocolate milk.

Almost perfect.
I'd like to make a few adjustments.

Are you spreading a rumor

that I like to drink
an enormous amount of chocolate milk?

No.

Maybe. I don't remember.

Yes, you do.

It's believable. Doesn't it look like
he drinks chocolate milk all the time?

- You do have that look. I can see it.
- Are you working on the PowerPoint?

I'm designing a poster
for your bikini car wash.

- [Will] Okay...
- [beep]

[Kilah over PA]
Will, Belmont store on line two.

Okay, Shane, stop wasting Anthony's time.

We are not doing a bikini car wash!

Well done, Anthony.

Very nice.

I know a couple guys
that would really appreciate your work.

- Get the f*ck outta here.
- Holy shit.

Bros, from my mind to his f*cking hands
onto this screen.

Wait till you guys see this shit.
Show 'em.

So if you want 'em
a little bit more busty...

If I press this button...

- [Shane] Yo.
- Oh my God! You're a magician.

- That's unbelievable.
- [Shane] It's crazy.

I could also make Will
a little bit more Jewish.

- [both laughing]
- Keep going.

[man 1] This is great.

If you want,
I can make the girls more Jewish.

- No, no, no.
- Yeah, don't do that.

[Shane] This is the future, dudes.
This is AI.

- This is AI?
- This is what they're talking about.

What are they so upset about?

- I don't know. It's making boobs.
- Huh!

[man 1] What's AI?

- [man 2] Let me try that.
- [Shane] Give it a shot.

[man 2] Oh my God!

- Oh!
- Go faster.

[man 2] I'm trying.

Oh my Lord.
It's like they're on an airboat.

[all laughing]

- You're so good at this.
- [man 2] Thanks, bro.

[phone rings]

Thank you for calling Valley Forge
Automotive Center in Springfield, PA...

Okay. Sh, sh! Lisa, it's Will.

Hey, Will.

Hey, are my dad and Dave there?

Uh... yes.

Okay. Well, can I talk to one of them?

Unfortunately, they're in a meeting.

With who?

I'm not sure, actually.
A couple people. Lady and a guy.

What are they wearing?

[inhales]

Uh, suits.

Business suits or casual?
Or, like, khaki pants?

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

Lisa, does the top match the bottom?

Yeah. Yeah, they look put together.

Top matches the bottom.
That's a full f*cking suit.

Is that okay?

Can you have one of 'em call me
when they get out?

Sure thing.

Also, unrelated. Have you heard a rumor
that I like to drink chocolate milk?

Uh... [sighs]

- Yes.
- What?

I heard about the hospital visit.

I think if the doctors tell you to stop,
you should. But that's just my opinion.

Doctors?

Lisa, what other rumors
have you heard about me?

Um...

It's okay. You can say it.

I heard you were asked
to leave the Elmwood Zoo

because you were making
donkey noises at the staff.

I don't know what to say to that!

Monkey noises?

Donkey noises.

That's absurd, Lisa!

I heard
you went to prom with a prost*tute.

- [Will] You serious?
- You kept trying to kiss her.

Shane said that he saw
you and your friend at a bar

sucking each other's nipples,

but not at the same time.

Shane said you were taking turns...
but you were definitely the greedy one.

[Will] f*ck!

Okay, Ant, if I give you
a picture of my ex-girlfriend,

how quick could you turn this around...

Excuse you, everyone!

What's this? I hate it.
Shane, I just called all the stores.

Everyone heard about the chocolate milk
as well as 15 other rumors.

No wonder my dad hasn't called me back
if he thinks I'm at a restaurant just,

you know, sucking my buddy's nipples.

- What?
- That one got back?

- Yes!
- I forgot about this one.

I told Dale that Will and his friends
go to restaurants

and suck each other's nipples.

[laughing]

Just guys going...

All right, wops!

- Hey!
- Oh! Relax!

- Watch your mouth with that wops.
- Why are you calling the other stores?

Is there a secret?

[sighs] There's a rumor going around

that my dad is gonna sell
the least profitable store,

which is either Belmont or... us.

[man 1] Oh shit, dude.

Damn. Uh...

What are you gonna do if you get fired?

We have a friend that needs a waitress.

Oh, Benny.

- You could work for Benny as a waitress.
- There you go.

- You'd be a fine little waitress.
- Okay.

Waitresses are always in demand.

- Everyone stop saying waitress!
- [snaps] Shane, you can come work for us.

- That'd be fun.
- Huh?

- Me working for a bunch of greasy wops?
- [man 2] Hey!

- What the f*ck is that about?
- No disrespect, fellas.

- You're making it worse.
- Oh! No disrespect, fellas.

- That was good.
- It's not bad, actually.

- [man 2] That was pretty good.
- For real. Is it true?

I don't know. Cal told me,
and he won't tell me who told him.

[Shane] Cal's not telling?
I'm gonna get that out of you.

It was Kyle.

Oh!

It was f*cking Kyle the Liar.

Who the f*ck is Kyle the Liar?

He delivers parts to all the shops.

Yeah, who lies about everything!

He doesn't lie about everything.
He embellishes.

I was on that show Double Dare
in fifth grade.

Broke my femur in the mashed potatoes.

Did I tell you I got wasted,
almost bowled a 300?

Okay, Kyle.

Your mom's cousin
took Big Bird's place on the Challenger?

- [Kyle] Yep. Sucks.
- What was his name?

Gary.

- Just Gary?
- [Kyle] Cousin Gary, yeah.

A kid I grew up with
got eaten whole by a bear.

Oh, you know what?
I did... I actually have a...

All right. Well, just... I'll wait.

- It's gonna be a long call.
- That's all right.

It's a private call.

You know hard seltzers
don't show up on Breathalyzers?

Thank you, Kyle. Thanks.

Look it up. It's on YouTube, I think.

- Totally true. Swear to God.
- [Cal] Yep.

God dammit! It is bullshit!
Okay. Shane, come to my office.

Let's try that again, huh?

- Please.
- Fine.

[drum riff plays]

[Shane] So these are our sales numbers?

Yeah, this is everything
from the last two months.

- It's just on the computers?
- Mm-hmm.

All right, this is the email
I'm sending to the entire staff.

"I do not drink chocolate milk all day."

"I do not make donkey noises
at zoo staff."

"I've never been part of a sex cult."

"I don't suck on my friend's nipples.
I've never pulled a prank on a deaf girl."

"I have all my toes."

Am I missing any?

You taught a parrot how to say the N-word.

[Will] God dammit.

"These are rumors about me
and should not be believed."

"I'm emailing all of you in the hopes
that we can move forward professionally."

"In the future, I hope that you would
learn to ignore the rumor mill,

especially when those rumors
come from Shane."

Don't include my name.

- Sent.
- [email whooshes]

- Can you compare our sales to Belmont's?
- Yeah.

Oh, we're k*lling them.

Yeah, but they have lower overhead.

We can see all the other stores?

Yep. Everything is right here.

- Can I try?
- [Ant] Yeah, go ahead.

[PA beeps]

[Kilah] Will, you got Dave on line two.

Dave, sorry I called you a bunch of times.
I thought the store was closing.

[Dave] Will, yeah.

First of all, the email you just sent
went out to all 7,000 customers

on our email list.

W... w... wait a second.

- What?
- Look, I don't have time for that now. Um...

I just want to let you know

we ended up taking a meeting
with Marilyn's Mufflers this morning.

Is my dad selling my store?

Just an informational meeting.

No one's selling anything.
He's just doing his due diligence. Um...

But if we were to sell,
it would be the entire chain.

- Not just your store.
- It'd be the entire chain.

So

it would be all of us.

Look, don't worry about it, buddy.
It's all good.

But, Dave, I have a great new idea
I wanna talk to you about.

I know. I know it's probably a great idea,
but the important thing is not to panic.

We will talk about it for sure.

Don't be worried.
Do I seem worried to you?

A little.

I had never heard that rumor
about the parrot until right now.

- He's never heard the N-word one.
- That was a new one.

Shane...

No! My goodness!

[somber music playing]

[music stops]

Okay, if we have any chance
of generating sales

from this cheap tire idea,
we need to do it right now.

Dude, I know
you don't wanna hear this right now.

Bikini car wash.

It's gonna work, dude.

We get a long line of cars.
Get some babes in here.

Maybe get you dancing on their hood.
Then we bring 'em in.

We say, "Hey, you need new tires."
They can upsell 'em from there.

You can show 'em
that your f*cking idea works.

[Ant] He's got a point.

You'll definitely get a lot of cars.

You have no idea
how furious my dad would be.

Yeah, but who gives a shit, dude?
You just said they're selling everything.

Might as well go down swinging,

covered in suds, tits everywhere.

Go like a man, dude.

Let's do it.

[suspenseful music playing]

There it is. Say yes.

Yes.

- [Shane] Yes?
- Yes.

Thank you, dude.

- Tits.
- No, I'm not doing that.

[Shane] Tits...

[both chanting] Tits, tits,

tits, tits, tits,

tits, tits,

tits, tits, tits, tits...

[chanting continues in background]

Tits, tits.

- [Will] Yeah!
- Yeah!

Bikini car wash. It's a go.

[rock music playing]

♪ Me and my friends
In a hundred-dollar Volvo ♪

♪ Busting down the street
While cruising Alvarado ♪

♪ Getting f*cked up on the 101 ♪

♪ sh**t' our g*ns and having fun ♪

♪ I drink cheap beer ♪

♪ So what? f*ck you! ♪

[song fades]