01x05 - Bikini Car Wash

[bunniefuu]

[Kilah] So here they are.

This is Amber, Alexis,
Reagan, Molly, and Vicki.

We all used to wait tables together
back in the day.

Well, thank you, everybody, for coming.

And I just wanna say
that we want you to feel comfortable.

So if at any point you are not,
you know, please let me know.

Holy shit. Looks like
we got a superstar in the pack.

- Are you talking about me?
- She talks like that?

You're amazing.

I mean, I think you're all beautiful, so...

Classic hottest-one shit to say.

Okay, you're all beautiful.

And just to cover our bases,
what we are doing here is,

when we're washing the cars,
we're also checking the tire depth.

Hmm, sexy.

I mean, it is when you do it.

Anyway, this is a tire depth gauge,
and, um...

Oops. Oops. Pink top. Yep.

This is a tire depth gauge,
and it is yellow or red.

That means that they need tires,

and we sell tires
cheaper than the competition.

Oh, and then you would upsell
from there, right?

Whoa!

- Amber?
- [Amber] Yeah.

My dad was a mechanic.

- You're Will's favorite.
- I don't have a favorite!

- I do.
- [Will] Okay.

And also, this does not have to be slutty.

- Yes, it does.
- [Will] It doesn't.

It can be classy, you know?

Um, business-like.

Yeah, slut... Business-slut casual.

Think of, like, a slutty lawyer.

You know what I mean? Slut...

I can't think of any other jobs
women should have, but slut women jobs.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

- I don't think we should be drinking.
- Whoa. I don't feel comfortable.

You being f*cking sexist?

[mellow acoustic music playing]

[crash]

Not bad, Willie!

- Not bad!
- Ugh! Shane!

They're good.

- This thing's gonna work.
- It's going better than I thought.

- I thought we were gonna get five Kilahs.
- I thought so too!

You see Alexis?

I definitely saw her.
When she stuck her tongue out at you?

- [laughing] Yeah!
- Holy shit!

Did you see the way Amber looked at me?

- No.
- You obviously saw it!

You interrupted the whole... I mean, it was...

Listen, I gotta do inventory, so...

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about business
that I have to...

Don't worry about business, dude.
This is a "plesh" day.

- No, no, no, no!
- I'm gonna have five or six brewskis.

Five or six?

Seven or eight. Good call.

Absolutely... You'll black out!

I'm not gonna black out.

I'm gonna level with you.

- I'm probably gonna black out today.
- Do not black out at work today.

- There's no way I'm not getting f*cked up.
- Shane.

- Have a little fun.
- We are!

- Amber was giving you the eyes.
- Thank you!

- That's a five-or-six-brewski day.
- What?

Two or three brewskis.

All right, fine.
Two or three, but eat a lot of chips.

Deal.

Six. [laughs]

- [laughs] Come on!
- Have fun a little.

- I am, but you can't...
- There's beautiful girls in the shop!

Get excited!

- Shane, I am excited!
- Get excited a little.

- [woman] Uh...
- Oh, hello.

Will?

- That's me.
- Hi, I'm Lydia.

Lydia!

Did your father mention I was coming?

Uh, no.

Nah. Will's been crushing too much
to talk to his dad.

[sighs] Well, I'm Lydia
from Marilyn's Mufflers.

I've been negotiating the buyout
with your father.

I'm just here to take some quick photos,
make sure the roof's not leaking,

lifts work,
and then I'll be out of your hair.

Wait, wait, wait! Stay in my hair
for a second 'cause, um, negotiations?

I... I... I thought that they... or we were just
talking about negotiations.

Uh, probably a conversation
for you and your dad.

I will be quick.

Oh, uh, w... w... wait, wait, wait!

Lydia, um, quick question.

If there were gonna be a, um...

A buyout?

Yeah, like, what would happen
to... the staff?

If a buyout happens,
which, frankly, is looking to be the case,

typically, we would absorb
good technicians and counter people,

but any management...

Well...

[Shane] Jesus.

I'm gonna take those photos
to send to the team and your father,

and then I'll be on my way.

Oh, wait, Lydia.
You're sending the pictures to my dad?

Yeah. Do you need me
to say everything again?

You know,
if you're gonna be sending photos,

I mean, always a good place to start
is, uh, out front.

You know, like, any sort of photo display.

Hey, Shane, would you
clean up the mess out back?

What mess?

The mess.

Oh shit. Yes. Yeah, I'll get it.

[Shane] All right, my beautiful angels.
Yes. Yeah. Wow.

Nice. You guys look... This is good.

Look, we gotta get up.
We gotta get out of here.

- Where are we going?
- There's a lady coming.

If she sees you dumpster mermaids
back here, she'll be pissed off.

Then the car wash is canceled,
and then Will's f*cked.

So, you know, we gotta go.

- [women sigh]
- [Shane] Get up. Come on.

Go out here. Follow me.

- Grab the beer. You.
- I got it.

Grab it. Nice.

Workhorses.

I know it seems weird, but do you guys
mind hanging out in here for a second?

[woman] I'm not getting into
a shipping container!

[Shane] It's just for a minute. Just...

Yeah, right. Next thing you know,
we'll end up on Epstein's island.

If you guys showed up
on Epstein's island, they'd be furious.

"No, the p*ssy is spoiled! Send it back!"

- Dude. You're, like, way older than us.
- You're, like, old enough to be our dad.

It's pretty hot when you put it like that.

No. The only reason we're here
is 'cause Kilah f*ckin' asked us.

We are not getting in
a shipping container.

No.

All right, fine. f*cking... Let me think.

[Miles] What are you guys doing?

Uh, what?

What are you guys doing?

Just trying to get these women
into a shipping container.

- Oh, nice!
- It's not as easy as you'd think.

I thought it was gonna be a cinch,
but they're... they're reluctant.

Typical.

- You guys sure you don't wanna get in?
- [Molly] No!

You, uh...

you guys want some sandwiches?

- Let's get a sandwich.
- [women mutter]

Yeah. Herding cats, dude.
They'll come. Go.

[Dave on phone] Will! What's up, dude?

Hey, uh, it's probably nothing,
but some lady might stop by.

Yeah. Lydia. She's already here.

Why didn't you tell me
it was this serious?

I didn't know myself, Will. Okay?

Your dad's not telling people a lot
about what's going on.

What's going on over there?
Everything all right?

What are the vibes? They good?
She happy? Jokin' around with everybody?

Yeah, she came in like,
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?"

"Your f*cking jobs are gone!"

She's a real hoot, you dumb f*ck!

Okay. Will, I understand
you're under a lot of pressure now,

but I'm still your superior!

Yeah. Okay. Well, you're gonna be
picking me up in an Uber, Dave.

You should've seen the way
she was f*cking looking at me.

Pigs to slaughter!

[under breath] Oh f*ck.

God damn, Miles. You don't have
any air conditioning back here?

[Miles] I do. It's broken.

f*cking divorce is k*lling me!

I'm a little behind on the bills.

There's five sets of tits in here.
You're gonna bring up your dead wife?

- Ex-wife.
- Whatever. Don't bring up wives.

Okay. Uh...

You guys want some hoagies?
Best food in town.

Huh? Little carbo-load
before we get out there?

- Uh-uh. I don't eat meat.
- Of course you don't. You're perfect.

You hear that, other girls?
Don't sit scarfing meat all the time.

What do you eat?
f*ckin' Slim Jims or something?

What do you eat? Fat Jims? [chuckles]

What the f*ck?

- [mysterious music playing]
- [camera clicking]

It is so hot.

It's the good kind of hot.

It's not.

This f*cking sucks, dude.

So you're not gonna replace,
like, all the mechanics, right?

Just... [clears throat]

Just like one or...

To be determined.

You know, I... I love cars.

They're my passion.

I feel like I'm better
communicating with them

than I am with people.

- I do most of the work...
- I'm gonna take some pictures over there.

...here. Okay, you need help?

She mention anything about jobs?

Well, just that
mechanics and salespeople are fine.

I don't give a f*ck about them!
What about management?

The managers? They're gonna hook us up
to blow job machines and...

We're f*cking fired, you fat slob!

- Thank you.
- Oh, no! Wait, Lydia!

- Hold on. Let me talk to you!
- No. I have to go.

[Dave] The f*ck's going on?

Did she leave? What is that?

- Keep her there. I'm on my way.
- Oh, Dave. Listen to this...

[sighs]

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Don't be nervous, I won't hurt it ♪

♪ If you're crazy, baby
Welcome to the circus ♪

♪ The money callin'
I'mma get it where it's at ♪

♪ The dollars don't fall
Put, put 'em in the stack, stack ♪

♪ Don't be nervous, I won't hurt it ♪

♪ If you're crazy, baby
Welcome to the circus ♪

♪ The money callin'
I'mma get it where it's at ♪

♪ The dollars don't fall
Put, put 'em in the stack ♪

♪ Where you been?
I'm just fillin' up arenas ♪

♪ Keep the circle small... ♪

Come on! Let's wash some cars!
Let's sell some tires!

♪ Coulda had this or that
But didn't want either ♪

♪ I can do magic, not talkin'... ♪

- Hi!
- Hello.

♪ I can make it happen
There's money on the... ♪

Your car's so dirty.

♪ They have in bands
Like high school classes... ♪

[Shane] This is great.

Everyone's having fun.

Customers love it.

- You have a beautiful mind.
- [Molly] Thank you.

- I go to church.
- [man] Oh.

Oh yeah.

All his tires are completely bare.
They're f*cked.

Oh, um, hey, mister?

Do you know
that your tires are, like, so bald?

Why don't you come inside with me?

We've got the cheapest tires.

They're so cheap, and they're so thick.
You're gonna love 'em!

Damn, Reagan.
Reagan's gonna make these guys pop.

I don't know if I have time.

It won't take that long, baby.
You know that! Come on in!

I love you.

I love her.

Come on, big boy.

It'll only take a few minutes.

I won't tell your wife.

We're gonna feel so hot
with our big, buff, strong, new tires.

- Come on.
- [Molly] Come on in and get some tires!

[Alexis] Car's all nice and wet!

[man] Okay, I'll do it!

- Okay!
- [Molly] Come on!

Let me get this windshield nice and cl...

- Ooh!
- Oh f*ck!

- Are you okay?
- Oh my God! Alexis!

- [man] What the f*ck?
- No!

[man] What the f*ck? f*ck!

[both] Oh!

Is it bad?

Not terrible!
You're conscious! That's good!

[song ends]

[pop music playing over PA]

- She's bleeding!
- [hip-hop resumes]

- Turn off the music! It's on her phone!
- Get her phone! Get her phone!

- All right.
- [Alexis] Turn off the music!

You gotta unlock it with her face.
Can you look up?

- Hey! There she is!
- Oh boy!

[music stops]

Do I need a medic or something?

- Nah, you look good.
- [Reagan groans]

- So it's gonna be a day for the glass.
- [sighs]

Obviously, it's on us.

[man] God dammit!

[car horn honking]

Here we f*cking go.

Let's go!

I'm gonna get hit.

- Sad sack of shit!
- [Will] There's numbers to call.

- But she takes my phone.
- [woman] f*ckin' loser!

[voice breaking] She gives me a phone
where I can only call my parents.

I'm really not much of
a marriage counselor,

but that sounds like something
you should get out of, you know?

[woman] Let's go!

Thanks for nothing.

How was your soapy little strip club?
Nice, fancy mesh shorts!

I see what you were trying to do,
you piece of shit! Get in the car!

Get in the back seat!
You do not... Absolutely not!

And don't even look at me!

You better f*ckin' look at me
when I'm talking to you! I swear to God!

[women laughing]

This was not a good start! I'm f*cked!

- You're not f*cked, dude.
- This was a bad idea.

This was not a bad idea, dude.

This was a great idea.

I got this, dude.

You're not gonna be a waitress.

Hey, let's go! Cut the chatter.
Let's take a knee.

One knee!

It's concrete, so go slow.

There we go!

Look, I'm gonna be straight with you.
Me and Will are f*cked.

We thought this whole cheap tires thing
was gonna save the whole shop.

It's not. We got butt-f*cked.
We haven't sold a f*cking thing yet.

Alexis got a concussion,
which probably isn't gonna help.

And I'm wasted again. I don't even know
how the f*ck that happened.

But we need you guys... bad.

You're all we've got.

I know we're down
our star player right now,

but if we combine
all the good parts of you guys,

we could get pretty much one of her.

Look, I'm just like you guys.

I'm in my mid-thirties.
Shit's not going well.

I had the whole world in front of me,

and now every opportunity I have
just withers and dies

before I can even grab it. Just...

[melancholy music]

I'm sure when you were 22,

you probably thought
you were gonna marry some cool, hot,

white football player.

And now look at you. You're in bikinis
in a garage on the ground.

It's pathetic, actually.

I'm pathetic.

Maybe I shouldn't have
f*cked around in high school.

Maybe I should chill on the drinking.

Maybe the whole party's over.

But f*ck that.

- I mean, f*ck that, right?
- [hopeful music playing]

[Shane] Party's not over.
Maybe the party hasn't even started yet.

We can sit in here and sulk in the dark,
or we can crawl our asses out into the sun

and sell some f*cking tires, huh?

We can turn
this whole f*cking thing around!

Will's gonna go out there
and save this f*cking shop!

I get to keep my job,

and I am gonna have
a couple brewskis at work sometimes.

And you can't stop it!

You wanna know why?
Because this is the United State!

What?

[triumphant music playing]

[Will] We're doing the tires for you,
but when we took the wheels off,

the one thing we noticed is
the brake pads are a little low.

It's probably a good idea
if we just take care of it now.

- Let's do it. Okay.
- [Will] Okay, great.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- I'll get the guys started.
- All right.

You got this guy to buy four tires,
and I upsold him two different things!

- Nice!
- Yes!

So...

Boy, was that easy,
once he was buying the tires.

I mean, once the opportunity is there,
you kinda have to take it, right?

You gotta!

If the iron is hot,

you should probably...

- Strike?
- Right.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause when else will you be able to?

It's like this is the only time.
Like, right now.

Could be the only time.

[man] Amber! Amber!

- Oh my God, that's my husband.
- Your husband?

- What the f*ck is this?
- Sir, can I help you?

Do I look like I need help
from some weird assh*le?

Joseph! Stop it!

What? You left me with the kids
to go to your mom's.

Now you're down here
doing bikini stuff with this freak?

Okay, stop! You don't give a shit about me
unless I'm not around!

'Cause I can't use the air fryer
by myself!

- Whose fault is that?
- [Joseph] Do you mind?

- The f*cking kids are hungry!
- [Amber] My fault, I guess, again.

[Joseph] Dino nuggets are thawing,
getting soggy!

- [Amber] Get a better job!
- [Joseph] Babe, please!

[hip-hop music playing in background]

What was that? What'd you do?

I didn't do anything!

Try to f*ck that guy's wife?

Shane! Absolutely not!
I was not trying to have sex with...

- f*ck that guy's wife.
- I will... I take that back.

I wasn't trying
to have sex with her. Shane!

- I did think that there was a little...
- Freeze!

Psych!

[sighs]

- Hey, Max. What's up?
- [Max] Hey, guys.

I got a call about some guy trying
to lure women into shipping containers.

- What?
- What?

When I get a call like that,
I gotta take a look.

Yeah, you gotta check that out.
That's crazy.

Unfortunately, also,
and I hate to do this to you guys,

I gotta shut you down.

You got open containers.
You don't have any permit.

I'm getting complaints.

- You need a permit for tits?
- You need a permit for everything.

[camera shutter clicks]

Sorry, forgot to take a picture
of the garage door.

Bye, everyone.

- Oh, wait! Lydia!
- [Shane] Oh!

- [Will] Stop her, Cal!
- Stop her? Is that legal?

- [Will] Cal, block the door!
- [Cal] I can't do that!

Linger! Linger by the door!

Lydia, will you just hang on?

- [Lydia] Get out of my way!
- I can't. I gotta look up something.

Please do not send those photos
to my father. He will lose it!

As well he should!
Whose incredibly stupid idea was that?

[sighs]

Mine.

I'm obsessed with boobs,

and I'm a big, dumb ogre sometimes.

Mm, I think you're more complex
than people give you credit for.

- I'm not. I'm a f*cking idiot.
- Watch how you talk about yourself.

[Lydia] Can see
why the place is going under.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!

Just fantastically stupid!

What are you gonna do?
Have a bikini car wash every day?

Maybe turn the place into a brothel
and change oil while your customers f*ck!

Maybe I'll do that,
and maybe it will be... wildly successful

'cause that's kind of a good idea!

I know you don't think it's a good idea
'cause you said it that way, but it is!

You know a lot about success, huh?

Your little stunt successfully made us
reconsider our initial offer.

That little car wash was to prove
that upselling off of cheap tires

is a good business model.

- Which it is.
- Which it is!

So you can take your initial offer

and shove it up your butt!

Oh!

I think I'll wait to hear that
from the real man in charge.

That's me, baby!
I'm the real man in charge!

[Dave] Will!

[clears throat]

Hey, Lydia, do you wanna
do me a little favor

and maybe just
stick to the front of the store for now?

She already knows.

- f*ck!
- Here's... here's what's going on...

- Oh, "Here's what's going on"?
- Here's what's going on. I'm in charge!

You're not welcome in my store!
Hit the bricks, bitch!

Your store?

Ha!

While we're here, can we talk about
me still workin' here after?

I am firing every one of you
f*cking blockheads day one!

And you? Maybe your daddy
will buy an ice cream store,

and you can work there.

You can spend the rest of your life

shoveling sprinkles
onto some bratty toddler's soft serve,

you limp-d*ck p*ssy!

Uh, am I wrong? Is there something
going on between us here?

No!

- What? You didn't feel a little...
- God! Out of my way!

- Yep.
- Would you hold on?

It was just a heat-of-the-moment thing!

Can't believe she left you.

It's all right.
We'll get 'em next time, bud.

[somber music playing]

- [Alexis] Hey.
- I have mace!

Oh!

Hi.

Yeah. I came out here to get in my car.

And then I remembered

I don't have a car.

[chuckles]

I backed into a Hair Cuttery a month ago,

so the state says
I should ride the bus for a while.

Well,

the bus can be fun.

No.

You know what could be fun...

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Step in the club
And we're looking real neato ♪

♪ I be gettin' b*tches
With my blue tuxedo ♪

♪ We're neato ♪

♪ Like a giraffe in a Speedo ♪

♪ What' s up, sonny? ♪

♪ ¿Qué pasa, mijo? ♪

♪ Chillin' with Rihanna
Out in Puerto Rico ♪

♪ She ate my coconut ♪

- ♪ 'Cause she thought it was a seeko ♪
- ♪ Yeah, neato ♪

♪ I beat up the block like Steven Seagal ♪

♪ Pourin' four in Pellegrino
Driving backwards through Reno ♪

♪ Pointy side of Doritos
Go ahead, sh**t the free throw ♪

♪ I pull up at the casino ♪

♪ Candy Cheeto steamboat ♪

- ♪ Desert Eagle ♪
- ♪ Desert Eagle ♪

♪ Flash the Buick Regal ♪

♪ I pull up on you people
Buttercream Beetle ♪

♪ Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato ♪

♪ Neato, neato, neat, neat, neato ♪

♪ We're neato, we're neato
Look, Mom, we're neato ♪

♪ Neato, neato ♪

♪ Look, kids, we're neato ♪

♪ We're really neato ♪

♪ Neato ♪