01x06 - Dad

[bunniefuu]

- [woman] I've been here for two hours.
- At least it's a nice day.

- [woman 1] Oh, yeah. It's very nice.
- [woman 2] Yeah. It's not too bad.

Is he still not here?

Nope.

[pop music playing faintly]

- What's that face? What do you know?
- A secret.

- Do you know the secret?
- No!

Spill it, woman.

Okay. So Mandy told me

that Will went home with Reagan
after the bikini car wash last night.

No!

[laughing] Yes!

- No!
- Will slept with one of your friends?

Sounds like it.

The texts are really graphic.

- You have the texts?
- Of course. We tell each other everything.

[Shane gasps, chuckles]

Oh!

It's, like, really aggressive.

- Oh my God!
- [Kilah] I know.

- Yo, let me see that.
- I'm not done yet.

What's he saying?

- I said I'm not done yet!
- [Kilah laughs]

[sighs]

It's awesome.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

- [Will] Thank you very much.
- Ooh!

[Will] You too.
I hope your cat feels better.

Our little man's all grown up now.

He's walking with a little swagger.

[door chimes]

Good morning.
I don't wanna talk about it. Good morning.

What did you do last night, dude?

Guys, I can't right now.
I'm very busy, as you can see.

[sniffs]

- He stinks!
- [Will] Cal.

[Shane] He stinks? [sniffs]

Ew, dude!

- Cal!
- You can smell it on him.

How is that possible?

Well,

I made love to a lady,

and her hot water heater was broken,
so I couldn't really catch a shower,

and she was doing things aggressively

that caused a lot of stuff to move around.

Listen, guys.

My dad is gonna be here in three hours.
I need to finish this PowerPoint.

You need to go home and shower, dude.

Shane, I can't with you right now!
So will you please just skedaddle?

You're getting aggressive with me.
Don't get too aggressive.

I wouldn't want you walking me
around your apartment

like a little sex cat.

[Kilah] It was a sex kitten.

Sex kitten!

- I know everything.
- You don't anything.

- I know everything.
- You don't anything!

- Shane, I'll throw up on you! I'll vomit!
- Do not throw up on me.

- I will vomit if you touch me again.
- Ew, disgusting, dude.

- [Cal] That's what he wrote?
- [Shane] Yeah.

[Cal] That's unbelievable.

[sniffs]

{an8}[mellow acoustic music playing]

[crash]

[Dave on phone] Hey, Will.

Hey, Dave. How's it going?

Have you talked to my dad?

- Uh, yeah.
- [man shouting in background]

What's the temperature like?

Mad.

Mad how?

Well, he didn't say anything, but, uh...

[man] Do your f*cking job!

...just came in, got some coffee, um...

[man continues shouting]

I could tell though.

- [Will] Well, how could you tell?
- [Dave] I just could tell, man.

[Will] Okay. Well,

I know he's coming here today,
and I just don't want him to be furious.

So if you talk to him again, you know,
I think the vibe you wanna give off is,

"Will was coming from a good place
with this idea,"

and just really get the narrative going.

"Best of intentions. Will tried."

Dave, I need you to tell him that!

Would you? Please?

It's good.
Everything's gonna be okay, man.

Also, I do apologize
for what I said to you the other day.

That was... out of character
and out of line, and I'm sorry.

[Dave] Hey, Will,

this morning,
I saw a mouse outside my house,

and both its legs were f*cked up.

The back legs were broken,

but the little guy kept trying to crawl by
with his front two legs.

He was struggling so hard,
and nothing was easy.

If it was me, I would just give up,
but he wouldn't give up.

[man] f*cking New Jersey!

He kept chugging along, even though
the odds were stacked against him.

And surely a very painful death
would befall him at any moment.

Anyway, it made me think of you, man.

Well, that was incredibly sad.
And thank you for telling me.

You're a nice kid, man.

All right. Bye, Dave.

Good mood.
Everybody, good mood. Energy up.

- [on phone] This is John. Leave a message.
- Hey, Dad. It's Will.

I'm sure you're a little frustrated
about the whole bikini car wash thing.

If you're not,

I think that's the right move,
but if you are frustrated,

I wanna let you know that it did come
from the best of intentions.

Also, I do have a new marketing strategy
that I really want you to hear out

because this one's a hot number.

I recognize that we could be

in a little bit
of a boy-who-cried-wolf situation here,

but remember,
the boy did die at the end of that

'cause he was screaming,

"I got a great idea," and everybody said,
"Eh, you don't," but he did.

Dad, I'm telling you.

Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf's a-coming!

The idea is the wolf.

So call me back when you get a chance,
or just show up smiles. Love you.

Okay, do I still smell?

[sniffs] Yeah.

- Dang it!
- [Cal] Oof!

What am I gonna do
to calm my dad down when he gets here?

I would look busy.

People are less mad at busy people.

Right. That's not just a bad idea.
That's an annoying one.

I'm talking about
playing Enya or something.

Hey, Will.
This guy's in for the tire special.

He needs a new CV boot.
I'm gonna sell it to him.

No! Shane, I'll sell it to him.

No, dude. You can't go out there
smelling like p*ssy.

It's totally unprofessional.

- Okay, give me the...
- Oh, it's getting worse, dude!

Shane, I'll rub it on you!

I'm gonna go out there, find out
if your tire idea works, all right?

Whoa! Jeez Louise, Shane!

[Shane] Hey, Mr. Murray. How's it going?

- Good. And yourself?
- [Shane] I'm doing all right.

Usually, I'm not the one
coming out here to do this.

Our manager, Will, he usually does,

but we're trying to keep him away
from the customers 'cause...

Ma'am...

That's the guy right there.

Wave.

Everyone's excited.

Anyway,

while we got your tires off,
you're gonna need a new CV boot.

It's about 200 bucks, but you're
already spending 400 on the tires, so...

All right, sure.

- [Shane] Be right back.
- [door opens]

That tire idea works!

- Great!
- [Shane] Yeah.

What'd you say about me in there?

- I don't think we talked about you.
- Yeah, you did. You pointed right at me.

Did we point at you?
I don't even remember pointing at you.

It's crazy... It's not always about you.

It's crazy that I think that you looked
right at me and gave me the thumbs-up,

and pointed directly, and we locked eyes.

[Shane] Are you sure?

I went out there,

met the customer, sold him,

then talked about how you stunk like p*ssy
and how unprofessional it was.

- Then we pointed at you.
- What?

Fudge, I forgot about that.

You said I...

Who gives a f*ck?

Tires idea works.

[Will] Cheap tires.

- This is our new initiative.
- I feel like "cheap" is the wrong word.

I heard you
when you said that the first time.

- Sounds like the tires are shitty.
- This is a full-blown sissy fight.

Cal, we need the PowerPoint done
in three hours. This is the first slide.

I cannot with your energy right now.
I can't!

Think about it. You don't want "cheap"
through the whole presentation.

- Get this word right, the rest is easy.
- He's got a point.

Don't you have something to do out there?

- Yes.
- [door chimes]

[man 1] Bravo!

Bravo!

Ass Man Willie got the job done!

Ah!

- Let's celebrate, my boy!
- [man 2 laughing]

I know the lady at the bakery,
so I called in a little favor.

Ass looks great, man. That's amazing.

Right? I was rock-hard
picking that thing up.

So what happened?

I had sex with a lady
who had been out in the sun all day.

- Okay.
- Her apartment was dirty. She had snakes.

But I'm gonna take a shower
and get back to the PowerPoint.

- Nice, man.
- Hey, watch this.

- [both laughing]
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

[man 1] Get over here!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[man 3] Hey, are we having fun?

Um, yeah. [chuckles softly]

Hey, Dad.

Sorry to interrupt your party, Will.

It's not my party.

Well, there's a cake on the desk.

Yeah, well, they forced the party on me.

They forced it on you, huh?

Hmm. Just like high school

when they forced you
to open the liquor cabinet

and take the Jameson?

- [Will] I told you that wasn't me.
- Yeah. Go ahead and blow out the candles.

They're not mine.
I'm not gonna blow 'em out.

- Blow 'em out, Will.
- They're not my candles to blow out!

Make a wish
and blow out the g*dd*mn candles!

All right, fine!

Nope! You're still here!

[John] You know...

[snorts]

...it's just been nothing but problems
with you here.

I mean, first, it was
that insane women's history sale.

That wasn't what it was.

Then I try to incentivize you to sell,

and you lost money. Pff!

And on the back of that,
you decided to have a bikini car wash?

That was his idea!

And finally, you flip out on a woman
that I'm trying to do business with.

And now they're just trying to f*ck me
on the end of this deal.

I gave you a job,

and now you're making mine harder.

I need your key, Will.

Dad, come on.

Your key, Will.

- You want the key?
- [John] Yeah.

You want the shirt too?

Jesus Christ!

Oh my God!

She was really focused on this area,
and I couldn't wrestle her face away.

Dad, I...

Actually, we had a very good idea,
and it would have worked!

Well, that's that.

Have fun selling cheap oil changes
to jerk-offs.

[man] What the f*ck?

Call your mother
so she doesn't worry about you!

I don't have the time right now,

and she's just gonna do
a bunch of this, so...

[door chimes]

Well, um, I'm gonna grab
a slice of this ass if you don't mind.

- Any takers?
- I'm all right.

- I'll have some.
- Get the f*ck out of my office!

Yeah.

Yeah.

[solemn banjo music playing]

My bonus is gone.
I was gonna go to Thailand this year.

- Thailand?
- Yeah, they'll do whatever over there.

What do you mean "whatever"?

[sighs] Doesn't matter, Cal.

[solemn music continues]

All right. You're all set.
Here's your receipt and your keys.

- Thanks.
- Thanks for coming in.

Uh, nice shorts.

Thanks. I like these because it gives me
a reason not to wear underwear.

Nice.

What?

I'm just bored.

- [Cal] All right. Well, do some work.
- No.

I can't believe
you didn't stick up for Will.

Oh, come on.
You didn't do anything either.

You were pathetic back there!

What was I supposed to do?
It's not like he's Spartacus.

- Could be. Could've done it. Yeah.
- Yeah? Supposed to stand there like...

[high-pitched]
"No, I did the bikini car wash! I'm Will!"

[dopey] "Uh, I'm Will."

"I'm Will."

"Oh, I'm Will."

"I'm..." f*ck!

[chuckles]

[high-pitched] "I'm Will, Shane!"

[suspenseful music playing]

- Wanna run some numbers with me?
- You know how to run numbers?

Can you compare our sales to Belmont's?

Yeah.

- Can I try?
- [Ant] Yeah, go ahead.

Is Will's laptop still here?

I think so.

Oh f*ck!

That was a good one.
All right. My bad. My bad.

[Cal] f*ck!

- Four, seven, nine, six...
- [Shane] Hey, Uncle John.

- Yeah. Not right now. We're busy.
- [Shane] Real quick. Wanna show you this.

Before you fired him,

Will made a presentation
that he wanted to show you,

and I think we owe it to him
to hear him out on this.

So I'm gonna give you the presentation.

[clears throat]

"True courage is in facing danger
when you are afraid."

That is something to think about.
And he's...

That is from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

The book. All right. f*ck.

Look, Will has a good idea here, okay?

If we change our marketing strategy
to selling cheap tires,

it makes it so much easier
for us to upsell after that.

- Will's idea?
- [Shane] Yeah.

God. Will's had another idea. Jesus.

Will's had nothing but ideas
for the past 20 years.

He lives in an apartment that I pay for,
just coming up with ideas.

[John] It was Will's idea
to go to grad school.

Never finished.

His idea to spend two grand
on piano lessons,

and he can't even play
the g*dd*mn Jaws theme song.

And it was Will's idea
to have a reporter come in here

and blackmail us
for $900 worth of ad space.

Will's ideas are always the same.

He never follows through,
and I'm left holding the bag.

A million ideas, but never a girlfriend.

- I know he has bad ideas.
- Oh!

No, I do, but this one is good.
It will work.

And also, the whole girlfriend problem?

That might be getting solved pretty soon

'cause he came in here,
he stunk like p*ssy.

We had to shower him off in the back.

- What?
- No!

- He f*cked one of the bikini girls.
- Get the f*ck out.

The worst one, but he still...
He f*cked her.

Kilah has the texts. Kilah!

Hey, sir. I've got your order right here.

f*ck, it stinks in here.

Okay! Bye!

"It definitely
feels a lot bigger in doggy,

but I was afraid I'd cramp up..."

Okay.

- Nice.
- See? Sometimes, Will dogs out a lady.

Sometimes Will also has pretty good ideas.
This is one of them.

Cal, show 'em the numbers.

Those are all our shops
the last three months.

Every customer that came in to buy tires
first almost always got extra work.

Those are all the people
that came in to get cheap oil.

Almost none of 'em got extra work.

- You guys did this?
- Yeah.

Numbers look good, John.

And... Will did get p*ssy.

[John] Yeah, um...

All right. Let's get back to work.
Come on. [claps]

[steady country music playing]

Valley Forge Automotive.

Sorry, can I... help you?

[country music continues playing]

[phone buzzing]

[puts phone down]

[on phone] Hey, Will, it's Dad.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm sorry things got
a little heated before.

Yeah, it's just, um...

I know it's just tough, you know,
weighing all the... [inhales]

...options before me right now.

But, hey, uh, it seems like all the guys
really care about you around here.

And, uh...

[clears throat]

It seems like you care too.

And frankly,

your idea's a good one.

I haven't got a lot of runway left,
you know,

before I gotta decide about the sale,

but this, uh...

this cheap tires thing,

let's do it.

All right?

Let's do it.

[uplifting country music playing]

♪ You know I hate to say goodbye ♪

♪ But your body language ♪

♪ Is a still frame in my mind ♪

♪ You, you're my angel ♪

♪ We all hate to see you go ♪

♪ But we all remember ♪

♪ Your position on the ground ♪

♪ Just come on, angel ♪

♪ I can't take it anymore ♪

[song fades]