01x01 - Nikki and Jason

[bunniefuu]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

We were the oldest people in that bar
by, like, ten years.

No. I saw the manager come down
and do a till reading.

- He was at least 28.
- [CHUCKLES]

I'm so tired.

- [SCOFFS] It's 10:35 and I'm tired.
- [CHUCKLES]

Why does it say Thursday?

Jason, why does my phone
say it's Thursday?

- I mean, it's Thursday, so...
- No, I thought it was Wednesday.

- Well, it's not. No.
- Oh, shit.

What? What?

- Well, I ovulated on Wednesday.
- Shit.

That was the window.
Monday to Wednesday was the window.

- The window is shutting, Jason.
- Well, how quickly?

Quickly.
Why didn't you tell me it was Thursday?

It'd be weird if I kept telling you
what day of the week it was.

- I just assume you know days.
- I'm less fertile now.

- I can totally feel it.
- Listen. Look. Look.

A couple of minutes
isn't gonna make a difference, is it?

We are miles away from home, and every
hour the chances go down. Like, a lot.

[WOMAN ON PA] For everyone's security,

please inform the driver
of anything suspicious.

- What? What are you doing?
- We're doing it now.

- We can't.
- No one's watching.

Well...

The one old lady on the bus,
and she's fast asleep.

But we're on a bus.

We're just sneaking one in
under the buzzer.

- Nikki. Nikki, no.
- Well, this is happening.

- So, just get used to it.
- No.

- I can't just do it.
- Just focus. Focus and put a baby in me.

Out of order.

Help me out a bit then. I can't...

- Yeah, there you go. All right.
- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Mm.

- What's the matter?
- She's putting me off.

- Well, don't look at her. Look at me.
- Okay.

- Look at me.
- Okay.

- What if... What if she wakes up?
- She won't.

- Well, she might.
- Just stop talking then.

- Okay. That's it.
- Oh, just close your eyes.

All right.

No, I can see her even more clearly
in my mind now.

Oh, for God's sake.

- Okay. That's it.
- Okay. Yeah.

- Yeah? Yeah.
- That's it. Yeah, that's it.

Okay. Okay.

- [MOANS]
- Oh, yeah.

- [JASON GRUNTS]
- Oh!

- [NIKKI GIGGLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[WOMAN ON PA] Next stop, Eldon Square.

Evening.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I swear, I think that was it.
- Yeah.

That was the baby.

So what you're saying is, "No baby"?

What, ever?

[WOMAN] Well, I'm looking at
an AMH count of under two.

Really? Are you sure? 'Cause it
definitely feels higher than that.

I think conceiving through IVF
using your own eggs is very unlikely.

So, what... what do we do now?

Well, you could try again.

Though, you have no embryos left.

It would be a case of self-funding.

Are you kidding?

I mean, we... we could buy a baby for that.

We could literally...
I could go on the Internet, buy a baby.

I have to say that,
with your complications,

the chance of success would be very low.

So, I can't have a baby?

Let me get you another leaflet.

So, what do we do now?

A small piece of us dies,
and we just carry on with whatever's left.

- All right. As long as we got a plan.
- Well, what else?

- We can keep trying.
- She said it was pointless.

- No, she didn't say that.
- She said it with her eyes, Jason.

Yeah, but how do we even know
she's a good doctor?

She was Asian.
We didn't get the one bad Asian doctor.

How can I miss something I've never had?

Come here.

- [CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]
- [MAN] Whoo!

[BABY WHIMPERS]

- He's so lovely.
- Yeah. He's cute.

He really is.

[BABY CRYING]

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Uh-oh.

- [BABY COOS]
- That's it. Oh, dear.

You want your mommy, don't you?

I've always had the urge to push in
that soft bit on the top of their head.

No, don't worry. I never would.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

[SPEAKERS: SALSA]

- You don't have kids?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm just focusing on my career
at the minute.

Oh, what do you do?

I work for Vista Car Rental.

On the phones.

Great. Well done.

Thank you.

- What is it that you do?
- I'm the fashion editor for Teen Vogue.

Oh, okay. Well, well done too.

She's the only one of my clients
who isn't a complete monster.

I'm only half a monster.

We have actually been trying
for kids for a while now.

It gets much harder
to have a baby in your 30s.

- Oh, does it, Freddy? Not heard that one.
- It's so worth it though.

When you leave that hospital with a child,
everything changes.

Yes, it does.

Yeah. It's like you don't
have to look for the love.

It's just there, you know?

- Hmm.
- [BABY COOING]

- Beautiful baby.
- Thank you.

- [BABY HICCUPS]
- Oh.

I hope he doesn't grow up to be a prick.
[CHUCKLES]

You know one of those kids
is called Zephyr?

- "Zephyr"?
- Yeah, Zephyr.

That's not a name.
That's a Dropbox password.

- [SPITS] And I'm sorry...
- [WATER RUNNING]

But that woman's baby
really wasn't that cute.

- Had a funny-shaped head.
- Yes. Funny-shaped head.

It's like someone made it
in beginner's pottery.

And also, no one mentions the bad stuff.

Not one person today
talked about postnatal depression.

I mean, God forbid that we blow the
whole patriarchal conspiracy wide open.

Do you think you might bum people out

if you start speaking about
postnatal depression at a baby shower?

- Yeah, maybe.
- Maybe. Mm.

Thank you for letting me be mean
about our friends.

Oh, my God. You're so welcome.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

You want sex?

'Kay.

- What?
- There was a pause.

- There wasn't.
- There was a pause.

- There never used to be a pause.
- There wasn't a...

Fine. There was a bit of a pause,
but I've just had a big dinner.

And it's 1:00 in the morning.
Give me a couple of minutes. I'll get...

- Do you still enjoy having sex with me?
- Absolutely, yes.

As much as you used to?

- Yes.
- Wow. Wow.

- Another pause.
- Look, I've seen the film before.

So, I'm not on the edge of my seat
the way I was the first time.

But it's still, literally,
my favorite film of all time.

I find new things in it
every time I watch it. I...

All right, is it over?
Do you want to break up?

Okay. Yeah, lovely. Let's break up.

And then when people ask you,
"Why did you break up?"

You can say, "Oh, there was a pause."

And then everyone's
gonna think you're nuts.

And they're gonna stay friends with me
instead of you.

- See?
- What?

This is what happens
to people without kids.

Just slowly become bored by each other.

I am not bored of you.

When we first met,
we spent hours on the phone talking.

- We don't do that now.
- We live together now, don't we?

- That would be a bit weird, wouldn't it?
- Jason, you know what I mean.

If we were still on the phones together.

I think I'm ready to talk about adopting.

Yeah?

- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah?

Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean. Brilli...
Yes. Let's talk.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

I know it sounds bad...

but do you think they'd feel
like someone else's child?

I think they probably would,
at first. Yeah.

But I think, you know,
you would wear 'em in like trainers.

You know what the best thing would be?
If we took no funny-shaped heads.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We could swipe left past
the funny-shaped-headed ones.

- I don't think it works like that.
- It's exactly how it works.

People are gonna come from miles around
to see our perfectly round-headed baby.

- Be a source of extra income for us.
- Would it?

Because people will wanna draw her.

But people won't be able
to draw her head freehand, will they?

Because it's so perfectly round.

- They have to use a compass.
- Use a compass. Yeah.

Or they can draw around a saucer.
There's options.

Yeah, I'd like that.

- Now, please may we have sex now?
- No.

Oh, go on.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- It's a good call. Being pregnant sucks.

- Right. When were you pregnant?
- I've been pregnant.

Really? How long for?

Um, like, four, five months, I suppose.

Oh, my God. Jen! I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, not all in one go.

Just a week here, a week there, you know?

Oh, right.

So, you gonna go foreign?
I would. They're less entitled.

Oh, I don't know.
We're just talking at the minute.

Do you just pick one?
Or is it like an auction?

No, see, you register with an agency.

They make sure you're nice,
then you just meet some kids.

- Why would anyone bother getting pregnant?
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah, I know.

I mean, they won't look like us.

Well, that's good.

Cheers, mate. That's nice.

Hi. Thanks for holding.

Yeah. I just checked with my boss, and I'm
afraid that is the cheapest we can do.

Have you thought about hitchhiking?

Look at that bromelia.

It's given me nothing.

Venezuelan.

That's where
radical social democracy gets you.

I'm not sure the socialists
are in charge of the bromelias, Dad.

You totally sure about this?

Yeah. We think it's the right time. Yeah.

You got to be careful with adoption.

Mel from the club got a rescue dog.
Shat everywhere.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do
with that information.

I've heard they can be trouble,
the adopted ones.

And will they let Nikki adopt,
even though, you know?

What?

- Well, you know what she's like, Jason.
- I do, yeah. She's lovely.

They let anyone adopt nowadays.

Mel knows two fellas got gay married,
and then they gay adopted.

You know you can just say
"married" and "adopted"?

Yeah, well, I don't know all the lingo.

- Look, it's gonna be fine, okay?
- [SIGHS]

We're takings things slowly,
and we're not rushing into anything.

[SPEAKERS: POP]

Okay.

All right, I know that this looks crazy.

But I think that if I just
acknowledge that, then it's not.

- Crazy people don't know they're crazy.
- And yet here we are.

Look.

These were on offer.
And I just thought, you know, why not?

Do you think you might be
getting ahead of yourself?

- I got us some leaflets.
- Oh, all right, have you?

- Mm. Look at page 15.
- Okay.

Do you think she's still available?

You know this isn't a catalog, don't you?

I've signed us up
for an information evening tomorrow night.

Wow.

- God, I hate Camden sometimes.
- Yeah.

Man bun, vegan,
flip phone, beard oil wankers.

Why don't you get an office job?
Contribute.

- None of your dads are proud of you.
- All right.

- Can we go now? Are we done?
- Are you serious? Have you seen this list?

- Bloody hell.
- Yeah, right.

- How is Erica, anyway? She all right?
- Yeah, she's great. Yeah, yeah.

She's loving
the whole pregnancy experience.

I mean, I'm kidding. It's a shitshow.
Everything's sore.

And last week she cried because
they changed the Newsnight theme tune.

She wants to get the leather saddle
on the rocking horse redone.

- Do you know any good tanners?
- Uh, do you know what?

I think we're between tanners
at the minute, so...

You know, this kid doesn't even exist yet.
I've dropped two grand on it.

Why can't we just have a baby
without all the...

In other countries, they just have babies.

You know, you go there, and there are,
like, babies just on the floor.

They strap them to the front of their
tuk-tuks, and they drive around with them.

They just get on with their lives.

I mean, it's happened seven billion times.
It's not exactly a miracle.

Having one
without starting a blog about it.

That would be a miracle.

All right.

She wants yogurt.

Does she want plain or Greek or what?

It's for my wife's vag*na, mate.
I'm not really fussed.

Probably Greek then.

- I know it's stupid...
- Mm.

But is it possible
that they'll just give us one today?

- At our initial information meeting?
- Yeah.

- Yeah. We are pretty great. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] I know, right?

[MEN AND WOMEN MURMURING]

Why does everyone look so miserable?

Because it's a community center.

Here we go.
Here's another one for the collection.

We could always just move to the country
and raise our leaflets.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

He looks scary.

- Imagine getting him as your new dad.
- [CHUCKLES]

This says I need a BMI of under 35.
Have I got that?

- I don't know. Is that good?
- It must be, yeah.

No, probably not.

Hello.

- Would you like one of our packs?
- Yeah.

It explains the process in more detail.

Okay. How long does the whole thing
tend to take generally?

- On average, around a year.
- Yeah.

- A year?
- Wow.

And then at the end of that,
then we get a baby?

And then we begin the search.

I should say, we don't really have babies.

Oh.

Will you be getting more in or...

There are so few in the system,

we do encourage you
to consider older children.

- Excuse me.
- All right.

[WOMAN] Hello.

- Would you like one of our packs?
- [MAN] Hi.

Hmm.

I suppose I just didn't think
it would be so hard.

Well, they are giving us a human,
aren't they?

But it's a year of being,
like, brutally assessed.

And they talk to everyone in your life.

And then you have to sit in
on this big adoption panel.

"Adoption Horror Stories."

That looks nice and balanced.

Jase, they're gonna come into our lives,
and they're gonna judge us.

Well, so what?

We don't even have lampshades
in all the bedrooms.

You can't get kids
before you get lampshades.

[SIGHS] I just don't know
if it's worth going through all this.

Are you saying all this because
they said we might get an older kid?

- No.
- Huh?

No. No. I mean, Jase, I'm barely
more than an older kid myself, am I?

- [SIGHS]
- All right, well...

If we can't have one of our own...

and we don't want to adopt, then what are
we gonna do with the rest of our lives?

I don't know.

Join a sodding book club.

[LAMP SWITCH CLICKS]

[INHALES]

- Would you like this?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Past par-ti-ci-ple.

Past participle.

Hello. You are through
to Vista Car Rental. My name is Nikki.

How can I help you today?

[WOMAN] For me, it seemed to be
more about character than story.

[MAN] Yeah, I think...

[TATTOO g*n BUZZING]

You all right?

[BABY CRIES]

[SILVERWARE CLANKING]

- This is delicious, Nikki.
- Yeah.

- Well, thanks.
- What have you put in it?

I put in it some tomato, garlic,

onion, some chili peppers,

courgette, anchovies, salt, sugar

and just a little bit of emulsifier.

So, uh, what's the news, guys?
How's things with you?

Yeah. Fine.

Lauren's been struggling a little bit
with the pregnancy.

Well, obviously. I mean, for us, it's a
baby. For her, it's the enemy, you know?

Yes. I know that.

Oh.

- Why are you doing that?
- What?

Kissing on my forehead
like I'm your niece.

All right. I was being tender.

- Jesus.
- You all right? Chill out, Ceausescu.

No. I think my water has just broke.

- Oh, my God.
- Is that a real thing?

- I thought it only happened in films.
- No, that's how you have a baby.

- [JASON] There you go. Yeah.
- Oh, shit. I haven't got the bag.

- What? Why?
- Because I left it at home.

- [SCOFFS]
- I've got plenty of bags, mate.

- [FREDDY] All right.
- No, Jason. A hospital bag.

- Should I call an ambulance?
- No, no, no. It's quicker to drive.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

- I've had three glasses of wine.
- How? We've been here for 20 minutes.

I'll drive, and then I will go
pick up some stuff from your house.

- Yes.
- All right?

All right. That's good.
Lauren, darling. Come on.

[JASON] Right.

All right?

- Let's go have another baby.
- Come on, then.

Oh!

Hello, mate. I'm just at the house now.

- Right. I'm in. Where do I go?
- [FREDDY] In our room.

It's on the chaise longue. That's the sort
of long chair thing by the window.

[JASON] I know what a chaise longue is.

- Got it.
- Can you get Erica some clean knickers?

That's the chest of drawers on the left,
middle top drawer.

Got her knickers.

And could you bring me a T-shirt?

That's the other chest of drawers
second drawer from the bottom.

Not the bottom.

- [DRAWER CLOSES]
- Did you get that? Not the bottom drawer.

Jason?

Jason.

Hiya!

[SIREN WAILING]

- [PHONE RINGING]
- This is exciting, isn't it?

- [MONITORS BEEPING]
- [BABIES CRYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

How... How are things with you?
Just, like, generally.

You well in yourself?

I'm hungry.

Yeah?

Let's have a see.

Do you like trail mix?

Do you have any chocolate?

Why do you have chocolate in the car?

Because if I keep it in the house,
I eat it.

- You're meant to eat it.
- Yeah, I know. Adults are weird.

- Look, I get it.
- [SIREN WAILING]

A baby means change, and change is scary.

You don't know what they're gonna be like,
or if they'll even like you.

But you can't get too attached
to what you think your life's gonna be.

That's where your problems start.

I think a baby will eat my yogurts.

Right. Yeah.

I mean, the yogurt stuff is always hard.

[NIKKI] "An aneurysm occurs
when the artery walls weaken."

The pressure of the blood
beats against the weakened walls

and makes them bulge, like a balloon.

"An abdominal aortic aneurysm
can be dangerous."

Well, she's half asleep.
She's only hearing tone.

So?

It's a boy.

Yay.

They're so vulnerable.

They sleep so deeply.

Yeah, it's 'cause they trust us.

- Idiots.
- [CHUCKLES]

[DISTANT CHILD SHOUTING]

- [TOY ENGINE BUZZING]
- [GIRL] Whee!

Do you know what? I do really wanna do it.

Do what?

- "It."
- Oh.

Okay.

I just don't know if I have it in me.
They'll see I'm not ready and...

Listen, listen, we've only gotta be better
than the previous parents, right?

So even if we're average...

we'll still look better in comparison,
won't we? Right?

I'm not even average.

- I'm a bloody mess.
- We're all a bloody mess.

That doesn't give you a sick note out of
every bit of responsibility in your life.

All right,
when did you become so fearless?

I don't know.
I think I'm shedding fear with age.

It's like all of the brain cells
that I'm losing

are the ones that were holding me back.

[GIRL] You got it stuck in the weeds!

- [BOY] It's not my fault.
- [GIRL] Oh!

Can I try?

[BOY] No, it's mine. My toy.

How do you know if you're ready?

We waited until we were ready
once before, didn't we?

And that turned out to be much too late.

Oh, for God's sake.

- Where are you going?
- [CHILD SHOUTING]

What are you doing? Nikki.

- Give that to me.
- What are you doing?

- Do you know how lucky you are?
- Get off!

They are tiny little miracles.
Your 17 Twitter followers can wait.

- Give it back!
- I'm sorry.

I'm doing this for you
and for your children.

- No!
- Talk to your children!

They're not my children!

- [CHILD] Mom?
- I...

Oh! Just don't believe it.

Oh, my God, your phone.
I threw your phone away.

Jason, I threw his phone away.
I am so, so sorry.

Now, look. I'm calling the police.
All right.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Can I borrow your phone, please?

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

I just saw him and the kids.
I think I'm just emotional because of...

Shit! Jason,
we can't get a criminal record.

They won't give us a kid.
It was in the leaflets.

[MAN] No, no, it's fine.
Just take your time.

Do you really wanna do this?
Do you want to adopt?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I might.
But I can't if I get bloody arrested.

[MAN] Thank you.

Yes? Yeah. Hello, yes. Police, thanks.

- [MAN] Uh...
- [JASON GRUNTS]

- [PHONE SPLASHES IN WATER]
- [NIKKI GASPS]

Sorry, mate. We're not bad people.

- It's just a very complicated situation!
- Jason, just run!

[MAN YELLING, INDISTINCT]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BABY WHINES]

[TV, INDISTINCT]

[COINS JINGLE]