01x04 - Rainbow Castle People

[bunniefuu]

- I'm overdressed.
- No, you look smart.

- Smart? I'm not sure smart's really the...
- Okay, Jen's inside.

It's like they found all the clothes
that I threw away in the '90s

and they're wearing them ironically.

- I'm really excited.
- Yeah, me too.

When was the last time we did this?

Don't know. But I think there was
a Blockbuster over there.

- There was not.
- I'm buzzing, man.

I forget the energy you feel.

Oi, oi, oi, oi!
Blood, blood, blood, blood!

Here he is. Look, perfect timing,
as we're at the front of the queue.

- Hello, mate.
- Happy birthday.

- Thank you so much.
- Happy birthday!

This was such a great call!
Oh, my God, I am so up for this.

Tonight, we say yes to everything.

This is gonna be one of those nights you
have to check Google to see what you did.

No, let's not go too mad, please.
We have to be up quite early.

It's his birthday.

- Are you going to a christening after?
- See?

- Oh, this is us.
- All right.

- I'm wearing a blazer.
- You look nice.

Hello.

No!

Nice blazer.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, I love that. It's so retro.

- Who was that guy?
- Just a guy.

He is so hot. When did you meet him?

Tonight. Just on an app.

God, it's so easy to get laid now.

- Well, for some people.
- Yeah, but it's gross.

No, I bet things were classier
in the olden days.

No, not the olden days, but, you know?

Come on.

Yeah, let's go and have a dance. Come on.

Okay.

- Here you go, mate.
- Oh, hello.

Oh. Look at them in their tight jeans
and their tight skin.

It's over for us. You know that, right?

- What is?
- Life, mate. It's over.

Bloody hell, Freddy. Happy birthday.

Cheers!

Oh. That is horrible.

Let's have another one.

- All right?
- Mm.

Hello.

- You having fun?
- Yeah. It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. How long we staying?

- A while, I think.
- Oh.

Mm.

What ti... What time is it?

I don't know.

I-I think I've just e-mailed my mum.

Where are they? Where are they?

Nikki?

- Nikki?
- Oh!

Go! Why will you not just go?

- Oi!
- This is taken. Sorry.

Hey! Oh.

This is not our taxi.
This is just someone's car.

Oh!

Thank you.

What are you...

Wh... Whoo!

Oh, God. Oh, wait, hang on.

- Here.
- What's this?

- Erica, no...
- Here, you should take that.

Erica, it's not a taxi.

I know that.

I know that. I was just...

I was just a little bit sick
in the back of the car.

Oh.

It's so hot in here.

- Oh.
- Oh, we should take off our clothes...

I got mine off.

Mm.

I'm going to sleep now.

No.

I need to put you
in the recovery position.

Don't fiddle with me.
Don't wanna go in it.

There, you're safe now.

Oh.

Why's it bright?

God, why's it so bright?

Shut up.

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

- Yeah, right.
- Hmm.

- Bloody hell.
- It's early.

Who is it?

No idea.

Shit. You were supposed to be checking
the e-mails from the adoption people.

- I thought you were.
- Well, we both were.

It's a joint account.
That's why we set it up.

- You weren't checking it.
- Well, because I thought you were.

- Why would you think that?
- Nikki, you said it was on Monday.

No, Jason. I asked if it was on Monday.
That was a question.

There was an upward inflection
in my voice.

There's always an upward inflection
in your voice.

- That's just how people speak now.
- Well, then they shouldn't.

Shit.

Oh, hello.

Oh, goodness, you're handsome.
Look at you.

Look, I'm... We've actually got
our days mixed up.

We didn't realize
the home visit was today.

Yes, I can see that.

But if you want to, uh,
want to come in and wait inside,

- we just need a few minutes.
- How many minutes?

Shit!

A few. Yeah.

- Not off to a great start, are we?
- No.

Hang on. Uh...

I think, fortunately for you...

Yeah. My three o'clock has canceled,
so I will come back then.

My God, that's amazing. I'm so grateful.

I imagine you are.

- I will need biscuits.
- Absolutely.

Hello.

Right. I shall return at 3:00.

Okay. Thank you. Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye. Bye.

We have four hours to make this flat
suitable for a child.

Oh!

- Washing up done.
- Oh, lovely.

- What else?
- Take some stuff out the bin,

- and put it in the recycling bin.
- Why?

So it looks like we use it
more than we do.

Gotcha.

Oh, we need some more books.
We need a three-to-one book-to-DVD ratio.

Throw out a lot of DVDs then?

- Right, there's a box of books upstairs.
- Yeah.

Take down all the ones
that make us look clever.

I don't think we've got many of them.

All right, just get rid of the diet ones
and the biographies of footballers.

Okay.

Jase.

What do we say when she asks why we rent?

We say, "Because we live in London."

What's the matter? What?

Well, it's just...

- Well, it's not right, is it?
- What?

It's just, it's not right.

I wanted it to look like this.

- You want it to look more middle-class?
- Yeah.

If you want it to look middle-class,
then we shouldn't have tidied up.

All this stuff, it should be...

- What?
- Like, mismatched.

- It is all mismatched, innit?
- No, not in the ways that ours is.

Like, intentionally.
There should be candles everywhere.

And a digital radio on a stepladder
that is also a shelf.

Oh, we should get rid of the TV.

- No, it's not great, is it?
- No.

It looks like we've been burgled.

We need some better stuff in here.

You been paid yet?

Here's some kiddie stuff here. Look.

Hello. Hi.

- Right, that little plane.
- Yeah, it looks good.

Yeah, that looks...

Oh, this is nice.

- Incense? Okay.
- Yes, incense.

- Just get a bit of fudge?
- No.

That's nice.

Twenty-eight pounds.
What is that, for soap?

She's the one who decides
if we get a child, Jason.

We're not gonna use it.

We're just gonna put it out for show
and then return it.

Ah.

- Hi.
- Can we get one of those, please?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

- Anything else?
- Do you do returns?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Lovely.

- Yeah.
- Fill your boots. Yeah, lovely.

- This is nice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Get a couple of them.
- That one?

We're not gonna...

What about that mongoose thing up there?

Don't be silly. What about that?
What do you think to that?

I think we've spent
more than we can afford already.

- It'd look good next to the sofa though.
- How much is it?

Two hundred quid
for an old lamp like that?

- Yeah, it's stupid.
- I mean...

Do you know whose house
is full of old stuff like this?

Go on.

- Oh, thanks for the lamp, Dad.
- You're welcome, love.

What about these cushions?
They look grown-up.

Yeah. But I don't know if they'll go
with our rug though, will they?

I was thinking
maybe we could take the rug too.

- Take this one here?
- Yeah.

John, can we take the rug, mate?
Is that all right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? All right, lovely.

Just...

If you could see your way clear
to leaving the chairs.

We're having Kath and Rog over,
and, I mean, I could lean, but...

Dad, we're not gonna take your...

We're not gonna take your chairs, Dad.

Ooh, I'll tell you what.
You got any books, John?

I'll go and check the library
in the east wing.

Lovely.

Can I get you something to eat
before you go?

- A lasagne or a shepherd's pie?
- Nah. Mum, we can't.

I can make them both,
and then you can decide when you see them.

We can't. We've gotta sh**t off.
She's gonna be here at 3:00.

- I'll just go and turn the oven off then.
- Gutted. Yeah.

- All right, what else can we use?
- What about that?

- It's actually a nice painting, that.
- Yeah. It's Tynemouth Harbor.

Is it? Well, he's done a good job on it.

Saved us a trip.
We haven't gotta go now.

- Just some cake then?
- Oh, wow.

- Homemade drizzle.
- Amazing bit of lemon drizz, yeah.

You got a Tupperware for that, Jilly?

Oh, and a couple of biscuits
would be lovely.

We should think of things that make her
feel sorry for us, like X Factor.

It works. It works every time.

Tell her about when you were bullied.

- It was hardly bullying. I mean...
- Oh, use your pain, Jason.

I think it would look better
if we were married.

Well, you never know. We might be.
I mean, we were pretty drunk last night.

Seriously feel like I might be sick.

Okay. Well, don't do it on the rug.

What's happening?

This gap's too wide.
A kid could fall through.

They're strict on things like that.
Gonna have to replace it.

That sounds expensive.
Can't we just get a fatter kid?

What are you wearing?

Okay.

What do you think?

Jason, how many Ramones T-shirts
have you got?

I don't know. I'm a fan.

But you can be a fan of the band
without dressing like their roadie.

- Well, what then?
- I don't know.

Something that hasn't been fired out
of a T-shirt cannon.

Hello. Hi, hi.

- Can I leave this out here? It's wet.
- Oh, no. Did you get caught in the rain?

No.

- Yeah. Okay...
- No, no, no. Don't touch it,

'cause my two o'clock did not go well.

- Okay.
- Okay, I'll just leave it here?

- Pop it there. By all means, yeah.
- Thank you.

- Come in, please. Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

All ready?

- Just, uh, go up.
- All right.

- You just wanna go up.
- Oh, all right. Okay.

Nikki, this is Penny.

- Penny, Nikki.
- Hello.

Lovely to meet you.
Oh, that's a nice plant.

Yeah, we've had it since August.

- Right. Lovely.
- And that's Tynemouth Harbor.

- Okay.
- Shall we, uh...

- Yeah. Do you wanna go through?
- All right, thank you. Thank you.

Yes, I mean,
I know how to take a bottle of piss.

This is not my first rodeo.
There is a knack to it.

Don't touch the jacket outside.

The instinct is to put your hands
out like that to try and stop it.

Issue there is, where is it hitting?

- On your... and your...
- Hands and face, that's right.

So, what you do is you put your hands
down by your side and you turn.

'Cause it's hitting anyway.
There's no happy ending.

So minimize it. Let the back get it.

I know that they are all God's children

and I'm not supposed to want
to wring their piss-throwing necks.

And I know that he's like that
because his parents were like that.

They're like that because their parents
were like that, and their parents...

The whole cycle. I know all that.

But at some point, someone's got to take
responsibility for their actions, right?

How far back do you have to go
trying to pass the blame?

Back to the, uh, the start of civilization
and the one giant caveman arsehole

responsible for the whole world
of arseholes?

Right. Oh, you are handsome.

Girl, well done. Well done, you.

Okay. So...

Shall we?

Mm. Delicious biscuits.

Would you like some lemon drizzle, Penny?

It's homemade.

- By me, I homemade it.
- I'm fine, but thank you.

So, as I said, today is just
a meet and greet for me

and to have a little look at the flat.

There will be many such meetings.

It is not a test. I am on your side.

This is about preparing you
for panel, okay?

Team Nikki and Jason. Yay!

That's great.

So, a word of warning,
I can get a little bit personal.

I do like to get in there
and have a nose around.

- Oh, yeah. No, that's fine.
- Go for it.

Okay. So...

How often would you say you have sex?

Yeah. I mean...

- Just a normal amount.
- Mm.

Okay. And what is normal for you?

- Three times a...
- Uh, once a week.

- Ish.
- Mm.

Mm-hmm. And, uh, you enjoy it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, obviously, I would imagine.
You know.

And, uh, and it's good for you too?

Oh, yeah. God, yeah.
Of course, yeah. I'm a man.

Can't imagine it being bad.
It'd be like a, um,

be like a bad sunset or something.

I'm sorry to ask,

but it's just the best way
to gauge the strength of a relationship.

And we need you strong,
and we need you resilient.

So, keep it up!

Oh, I am.

- So, uh, Jason, you are a...
- Yeah.

- I'm a...
- He's a teaching supervisor.

And I'm a travel logistics executive.

Lovely.

And this flat, uh, it's...

- It's rented.
- Yeah.

- But we're very settled.
- Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Which is nice because I moved around
quite a lot as a kid, Penny,

uh, which was difficult 'cause I was fat

and had curly hair, um, which was
an absolute lightning rod for the bullies.

So, uh, I was... I was bullied.
I did get bullied.

- Wasn't I? I was... I got bullied.
- Yeah.

It never leaves you.

I'm nearly 60, and I still have nightmares
about St. Mary's.

But it does not define you.

Sorry, hang on a sec.
You're not nearly 60.

- Yeah, I am.
- Mm-mmm. No. No, you can't... What?

Sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave our flat immediately,

'cause you're obviously a witch, Penny.

All right.
Should we have a little look around?

Yeah, let's have a look
in the old kitchen.

That was nice.

- Are you flirting with our social worker?
- Yeah, and it's working, so...

- Okay.
- Here's the kitchen.

Sorry, it's a little bit of a mess.

Quinoa.

You're healthy eaters then?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, yeah.

We love all that, don't we?
We love... We love staying in shape.

Yeah.

Okay. So, what's a-a typical meal for you?

- Oh, well, last night, for instance...
- What did we have last night?

- We had the grilled salmon...
- That's it.

- Brown rice, broccoli...
- Lovely.

And a really nice, like,
lemon and ginger sauce.

So, no chocolate and crisps
for your kids then?

- No way. Not on my watch.
- Oh, God, no!

Oh! You got the...

- And then there's upstairs.
- Right.

That's the bathroom.

That's where we clean ourselves
and clean our teeth.

- This is our room.
- Oh, it's very nice.

- Oh, you've got the incense.
- Yeah.

That's a lovely bedspread.

Fine. And the kiddie's room?

Yeah. That's just through...
Just through here.

Thank you. Oh.

Aw.

Aw.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Well, it's a... it's a lovely room.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. Yes.

Immaculate.

May I use the loo?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- It's just down here.
- Thank you.

All right. Thank you.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Okay, so this is something
to be getting on with.

We call it a family map.
Gives us an idea of your support network.

Couple of other bits and pieces
that need filling out.

Contacts for references and so on.

Uh, no morning sickness
but a lot of paper cuts.

That's the deal. Okay then.

- All right. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Uh, no, sorry. I've got to say this.

Um...

You're great, both of you.

Um, but, um...

if I can give you some advice,
don't... don't try to be those people.

'Cause that's not who you are.
It's not who the kids are.

They don't grow up in houses
with quinoa and rocking horses.

We rip them out of their lives,
and we move them two miles away,

and it might as well be
the other side of the world.

So, what I'm saying is,

less wooden doll's house,
more Barbie's rainbow castle.

- You know what I mean?
- Totally. Yeah, yeah.

We are Barbie's rainbow castle people,
really.

I know you are. And I love you,
and I loved your crazy application form.

And we will do our best to get you
approved and find you a child.

And if we can't,
then you can just have my grandchildren.

They're teenagers though, so they're vile.

And it's okay that we rent,
because I heard that...

Well, it's London. Everyone rents.

Christ, anyone can buy a house
in bloody Norfolk.

Told you.

Mm.

Mm.

Do you want these?

Honey!

Gay Santa's here.

Come on, jingle bells.

Well, you gotta make me an offer.
I'm not just gonna give it to you.

See that soap there? Twenty-eight pounds.

- What?
- Yeah. Never been used.

Is it stolen? I mean, I don't mind.
Just so I know.

"Stolen." This is legit, mate.
Don't worry about that.

How was, uh,
how was the rest of your night?

It was all right.
I think I bought a drone.

Well, I've just been flirting
with a 60-year-old woman to get a kid.

That wasn't really on my road map either.

- Oh.
- Hiya.

Oh. There she is. Look.

- All right?
- No.

- I was sick in the bath.
- Aw.

Don't worry about that.
We've all done that.

While I was having a bath.

- Oh, all right.
- Oh, God.

- We are getting too old to do this.
- No, we're in our prime.

- Daddy!
- Coming! Ready or not!

- What's that, hide and seek?
- Yeah.

How long have they been hiding?

Mm, about an hour?

Don't look at me like that.
I'm a good mum.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. I will pay you 700 quid
to go and change that baby.

Mm.

- What, seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seven hundred.

I'll hold you to that.

I need your parents' date of birth
for the references.

Do you think it's too late to say
they died in a terrible fire?

- Yeah, I think it would've come up.
- Okay.

If he's... How old is he? Sixty-five...

- Who's that?
- It's Jen.

What she want?

- Do we wanna go out again?
- When?

Now.

- Now?
- Mm-hmm.

- To where?
- Warehouse party in Deptford.

- Deptford?
- Mm-hmm.

How do you get to Deptford?

Right, so tube, a bus,
and a 15-minute walk.

How long's all that take?

- An hour and twenty.
- An hour and twenty?

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Let's do this.

Mm.

- All right? Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Only if you want to.
- I definitely want to.

- Okay, yeah.
- Do you? You...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay. Let's do it.

Oh.

- Let's have some fun.
- Okay, no, that text wasn't meant for us.

- Oh, my God. That's such good news.
- Okay.

What do you reckon?
Early night and a Bake Off?

- Oh, God, yeah.
- Go on. Get up there.

Oh, no.

That is not how you make
a rum and raisin cake.