01x05 - Someone Else's Kids

[bunniefuu]

I can't think of anyone who'd make
better parents than Nikki and Jason.

They are just the nicest people
in the world.

Yeah, totally agree. Mm.

Obviously, they'll be less nice
when they have kids.

- Obviously. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Everyone is. I mean,
anyone can be nice without kids, right?

Yeah. [INHALES]

No, but really, they're just
amazing people. Really, really amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, and they're a great couple.
Really strong, really resilient.

Oh, my God. So strong, so resilient.

The thing to remember with them
is that they're very

- strong.
- Strong.

- And resilient.
- Resilient.

They're just really strong and resilient.

Really strong, really resilient.

When she told me she was adopting,
I was like, "Bitch, this news is global."

[CHUCKLES] I mean, I would totally adopt.
Having a baby is gross.

I mean, what if it looks like the dad?

Then when you're having sex
with your husband,

it's like having sex with someone
that looks like your son.

I mean, that is just grim.

I mean,
they're just really strong and resilient.

Okay. So there's wipes
and drinks in there.

I've got a new number,
so I wrote it down for you.

- Yeah, no. We'll be fine.
- Thanks for doing this.

No, we need the practice.
We're so flattered that you'd ask us.

Oh, no, totally. It's just childcare
is crazy expensive, so...

Right?

- Oh, hello. Who's this?
- Snap Snap.

Oh. Does she want some breakfast?
A little bit of sausage for Snap Snap?

- No. She's vegan.
- All right.

Snap Snap's a vegan. Good for Snap Snap.

- So, where are you, um, going today?
- Day spa at the Chilterns.

- Lovely.
- Lovely.

Yeah, I need to be in the countryside.
Just, you know, even for an afternoon.

[CHUCKLES] Be nice to see some flowers

other than on a pavement
after someone's been hit by a car.

Okay, so there's the number.

- Okay. Great.
- I'll just put these in here.

Chloe had a cold last week.
Knocked her out of it.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah. It was great.

Don't be afraid to call.
Oh, I'll just get the buggy.

Actually, I thought we'll probably
all just walk, 'cause the buggy's

- a bit of a faff, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Okay, if you're sure.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I've written down times for food,
otherwise they get very difficult.

Do they?

You can be semiflexible
with the midmorning snack.

Okay. I think we'll just fold them
into our day.

- Yeah.
- Rather than...

- Uh-huh.
- You know what I mean? In terms of... Yeah.

- Let me just check that number again.
- Okay, yeah.

So, you're talking to his exes?

All of them?

And you have that sort of time?

[NIKKI] This is fun, isn't it?

[JASON] Much better than being
with your mum and dad.

Who wants an ice cream?

- Me!
- Yeah? Go on then. [CHUCKLES]

Really?

- What? It's a special day.
- It's 10:30 in the morning.

Yeah, but I want them to have
an amazing time.

Plus, if you're too strict with food,
they get eating disorders.

- Everyone knows that.
- Is that right, doctor?

- Can I have a tutti-frutti?
- No, tutti-fruttis rot your teeth.

[MAN]
Oh, you'll have no problems with him.

I had him in the garage as a kid.

If you can strip down a car
and rebuild it, you can do anything.

Well, that's not true, but...

Should we sit over there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- [NIKKI GRUNTS]
- [JASON] Oh.

[EXHALES] Sorry. [CHUCKLES] [SIGHS]

[JASON] That was weird.

Excuse me.

[NIKKI] This is nice, isn't it? [CHUCKLES]

- What? Hang on.
- [JASON] What?

- What?
- What?

What's this?

- [BOY GASPS]
- [GASPS]

- What is that? What is it?
- What?

- It looks like a treasure hunt.
- [CHLOE] Wow!

Oh, wow! [GASPS]

It says,
"A pirate has buried his, or her, treasure

somewhere in London,
and these are the clues to find it."

- I wanna see, I wanna see!
- That's so exciting, isn't it?

- You hold this. Don't eat it.
- All right. I won't. [SIGHS]

- What's all this?
- It's a treasure hunt.

- Did you do this, yeah?
- No.

- A pirate, Jason.
- How?

- Who knows?
- Can I see it?

Maybe the pirate got up
at 6:00 this morning and set it all up.

Did you get up at 6:00 this morning
and planted all these all over London?

Yes, but can you pay attention, please?
You need to follow the instructions.

Don't you worry about me.
I can follow clues.

Oh, really? 'Cause, I mean,
you're really not following this, are you?

- All right, shall we have a little read?
- Okay, yeah.

All right.

"If the first clue ye wish to know,
to a big building ye must go."

The queen of England lives within.

- "The clue is hidden by a bin/lamp post."
- [BOY] A bin?

Right. Where do we think that is?
A big building where the queen lives.

- Buckingham Palace! Yes!
- Okay! All right! [LAUGHS]

That's amazing.

So, let me get this clear, right?
So, it's a pirate's treasure?

Yes.

And he's buried it and left clues?

Yes.

But if he's buried it
and he knows where it is...

- Yeah, but the clues are for us.
- Why does he want us to find it?

You're really overthinking this, Jase.

[WOMAN] Nikki's the best.

I mean, I've never really known
anyone old before,

'cause I thought
it would be really boring.

But she's not like other old people,

'cause she doesn't really
have her life together yet.

Like, she doesn't have a mortgage,
or money or a good career.

And she's still quite young, mentally,
so she can just be a really good laugh.

Wait. Did I say the wrong thing?

I mean, don't worry, she's great.
She's basically exactly like me.

- [JASON] Look at that. Buckingham Palace.
- [CHLOE] Wow!

- [BOY] Wow!
- Right. Okay.

So, if there's a bin, there's a lamppost,

- you think maybe it's over there?
- Yeah!

- Do you wanna have a look?
- Go on. Have a look.

Did you see how she hugged me
when she fell over?

- Yeah.
- Quite like it when they're upset.

- Means they need you more. Is that bad?
- Yeah.

- [NIKKI CHUCKLES]
- [BOY] Don't see it.

How we getting on then? Any luck?

- [CHLOE] Don't see it.
- [BOY] No.

[NIKKI] You can't?

- [CHLOE] It's not inside the bin.
- Are you looking hard enough?

[JASON]
Where could it be? Where could it be?

- [NIKKI GASPS]
- [BOY] What?

- I found it!
- Oh, my goodness!

- No, you haven't...
- Yes!

- Yay!
- Mate, don't wave it about.

Don't wave it about. We're in London.
Someone might have it away.

This is treasure we got here.
Right, give it to Nikki. Come on.

- Oh, wow.
- What?

- "Now the second clue ye have found"...
- You like saying the word "ye," don't you?

- "Now the second clue ye have found..."
- And again.

- To the third, ye must be bound.
- See?

- But don't worry, it's not far.
- Hmm.

"Look for a square named Trafalgar."

Now, where do we think that could be?

Where do we think
the Jamaican pirate's put it, guys?

Oh. Maybe...
I don't know, maybe Trafalgar Square?

Trafalgar Square! Trafalgar Square!

- Yeah, Trafalgar Square!
- It's gotta be. Oh, my God! Where is it?

- It is!
- Let's have a look. Come on. Let's go.

What do we think the treasure is?

- A puppy.
- Oh.

- This is gonna end well.
- Yeah.

Come on then! Let's go!

Infertility is a really hard thing
to come to terms with.

When you've had your heart set on a baby,
when you've wanted it for so long

and waited for so long,
and then it doesn't happen, well...

that's really tough to take.

But life goes on.

I think she meant,
was it hard for Nikki and Jason?

[GASPS] Oh, right.

Well, yes, for them too, of course.

- [BOY] Look at that amazing fountain.
- [JASON] Well done, kids. They found it.

- Yeah. So fast. Amazing.
- Tower Bridge.

- Really?
- Yeah, why?

Well, it's miles away, innit?
And he needs the toilet.

Oh.

There's some in the National Gallery.
It's free to get in.

Oh, right. Okay, cool.

Uh...

What? Do you want me to? Or are you gonna?

- I think it's best if you go.
- Oh.

- What?
- Well, is he... Like, do I need to...

- Is he independent, or...
- What are you talking about?

- Do I need to help him?
- Help what?

- Help him aim it, or can he aim it?
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh.

- He's six. I think he can aim it.
- Yeah.

- I thought so. I'll have a...
- No. Maybe don't Google that, Jase.

Yeah. No.

- Just let him lead.
- Okay.

- And let him ask for help if he needs it.
- Yeah. I...

- Must be so weird.
- What?

We're gonna be getting a little person
and immediately be doing all this stuff.

Yeah.

Never seen anyone naked
that soon after meeting them.

Yeah, you have.

Oh, yeah. I have.

[ERICA] They're also really trustworthy,
aren't they?

Oh, yeah. Really trustworthy.

I mean, we'd be happy
to leave our kids with them.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, if we ever went out.

- We go out.
- Do we?

Yeah.

He works late quite a lot, so...

Not a lot.

- [BARKER] Come on, everyone! Roll up!
- [JASON] This the quickest way?

- Yes, definitely.
- Okay.

- I think.
- [BARKER] London's oldest dungeon!

- Where are the kids?
- What? I thought you were watching them.

- You were supposed to be watching them!
- Where are they?

- They're just there.
- Oh, no!

I tagged you.

- Did you enjoy that?
- Yeah.

- I hope you enjoyed that.
- Very much.

Because that is the last time
you will get to do that.

- I got it.
- Come and see The Dungeon Experience!

Oh, shit.
No. Kids, we're not going in there!

Hell no! Not at those prices.

- Okay. I'll go get them.
- All right.

No. Come on, guys.
We're not going in there.

- Twenty-one pounds each.
- Sorry, not today.

Hi. Come on. Don't you wanna carry on
with the treasure hunt?

- No.
- Roll up!

- No!
- Oh, come on. Please, it'll be fun.

[BARKER] Hello, poppet.

- Mm. Here we go.
- Yeah, it's me. Mrs. Hannigan.

Wrongfully imprisoned here in 1842.

- Really?
- Okay. You're not helping massively.

- Don't you want to find the next clue?
- No.

[LAUGHING]
Mean mummy. You take a leaflet.

- They said, "No."
- What do you mean they said, "No"?

They said, "No."

- You can't ask. You got to tell.
- All right, be my guest.

It's not a negotiation, is it?
They're little kids, not a man with a g*n.

- Two adults, two children, please.
- Sure.

So, that'll be £75.60.

And would you like an audio guide
with that? Six pounds extra.

- That sounds lovely.
- No.

Welcome to The Dungeon Experience.

It's a long way down
to the t*rture chamber.

But don't worry.
If you get tired at the bottom,

you can always have
a nice lie-down on the rack,

until your joints dislocate,

your flesh tears apart
and your insides spill out! [CACKLES]

[KIDS SCREAMING]

[NIKKI] For goodness' sake.

- Come on. Come back, kids. Sam?
- Nice one, mate.

- I'm so sorry. It was...
- [NIKKI] Come back.

Chloe!

- Rest of you, come with me.
- Less than five minutes.

- I want my mummy.
- It's okay.

It's okay. He was a nasty man, wasn't he?

Yeah, thanks for nothing.
He's not having it.

I mean, that's £75 a minute. That's what
bankers pay to go to real dungeons

and have people actually t*rture 'em.

- I'm hungry.
- Are you, mate?

I think there was
a fish and chip place over there.

No, I've hidden a clue at Borough Market.
It's got food from all over the world.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause kids much prefer
Ethiopian street food to fish and chips.

Come here.

Come on. They're starving.
Let's just go down there and have a look.

You all right? Want me to carry you?

Do you want to carry... Yeah,
let's not forget this little bag here.

It's just about priorities really.

- If I work hard, it's for us.
- We have enough. You work for you.

I would just like to have something
to show for my life.

- You have two children.
- Everyone has children.

Not everyone's a company director aged 38.

Okay. Wow.

You know what?
Most men do much less than me.

- Sean doesn't do pickups or drop-offs.
- Yeah, I'm very lucky.

Look, just could be worse,
that's all I'm saying.

- Chris, Omar and Jason...
- Very lucky girl.

Jason, he works
way more antisocial hours than me,

doesn't earn a third as much.

- [JASON] Oh. Okay.
- [SAM MUTTERS]

- [GRUNTS]
- Okay. That's quite annoying.

- [NIKKI] You're gonna hurt yourselves.
- All right. Okay. Thank you.

Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
Can we have some menus, please?

And we're not tourists, so if we can have
the ones with the real prices,

- that'd be great. Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, sure.

- Okay. Yeah. Listen, that's annoying.
- So cute.

Yes, sometimes.
Cute little monsters more like.

That's enough of that. Thank you.

This is Chloe and this is Sam.

- Hi.
- Say hello.

I wish you wouldn't speak
to the waiters all the time.

- That means you have to leave a tip.
- Don't be so tight.

That was a £9 conversation you just had.

Whoa! Careful! Sorry.

- Come on.
- [WATER BUBBLING]

- Was that...
- Wow.

- Dude, don't spit everywhere.
- Hey, mate. Please.

- That's naughty, mate. All right?
- [CHLOE CRYING]

What? Why are you crying?

I mean, literally nothing has happened.

Come on. Come on. Don't cry. Come on.

A time she has overcome adversity...

Well, I mean... That's...

I mean, that's the great thing
about Nikki, isn't it?

You know, she finds everything difficult.

Which is a good thing, you know,
because she just keeps on going.

That's people, though, isn't it?
You know, some people.

I mean, stressed all the time.

I don't do that. Stress is a toxin.

Body can't process it.
It is the lactose of the mind.

Babe, she doesn't get stressed.

She had that big panic attack
in Whole Foods.

Well... there was a lot going on.

Work was a nightmare.

She was growing out this pixie cut.
It was a difficult time.

And it wasn't that big.

[WHISPERING] Bit of hyperventilating.

It's quite a good place
for it, actually, innit?

You know, 'cause all their bags
are made of paper.

- Let's sit down now, guys. Let's sit down.
- [JASON] Guys, come on. Please, sit down.

- I think we should probably just go.
- Look! There's some chocolate cake!

Look, there's some chocolate cake.
Why don't we all sit down?

Yeah. Sit down and we can have
some nice, lovely chocolate cake.

- Chocolate cake? It's full of sugar.
- Have you got any better ideas?

- They hardly touched their dinner.
- Look. It's got caramel in the middle.

Yeah, well, it's £6.50.
So, unless there's £4.50 in the middle...

I'd really like us
not to fall into these patterns.

What patterns?

Me having to battle
every time I want to treat them.

A treat's not a treat
if it's all the time, is it?

- I'm not depriving our kids, Jason.
- What do you mean, deprive?

They're not deprived.
Kids in Syria are deprived.

I'd like to buy chocolate cake
for everyone in Syria,

but that's just not practical, is it?

Hello. Could I just have
a couple of chocolate cakes, please?

Hiya. Could we box those up to go,
as well, please?

Eighteen quid. She's off again.

No. Come on, Chloe.
No, no. Oh, don't do...

- [GASPS]
- [NIKKI MUTTERS, EXHALES]

Yeah, well, she has
a developmental disorder actually, so...

- Oh. God, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah. Well.

Come on. Come on.
Let's sit down. Good girl.

- Does she?
- No. But I will not have her judged.

[SANDRA]
She's just a very strong woman.

You wouldn't mess with her.

And bright as a button.

What's that word you used?

- Infectious.
- "Infectious."

She's infectious.

You couldn't have picked
a better match for Jason.

Yeah. We were sorry to see Jane go.

But these things happen,
and he's with Nikki now, so...

- And we love Nikki.
- Yeah.

Yes. [CHUCKLING]

Oh, and, uh, uh, we won't need this one.

We don't have an ethnicity.

Lovely. Oh, look. Band's broken up again.

Come on, guys! Keep up, hey!

Sort of thought
they'd be more into the treasure hunt.

Tracking down the clues,
working stuff out.

That sounds like '80s kids.

What was the... What is the treasure?

- It's a really great empowering message.
- Oh, they'll love that. Yeah.

- And a bag of sweets.
- [LAUGHS]

Look, why don't we call it
and get 'em home, hey?

- I mean, they're knackered.
- No, Jase. Really?

So, that was our special day?

Listen, you've gone about taping packages
to five London landmarks. All right?

So just be grateful you haven't been shot.

All right?

- I just want to do one more thing.
- Like what?

I don't know.
Just something really amazing.

Oh, no. Come on. They'll love it.

- Do you wanna go on the London Eye?
- Yeah!

Yeah? See? See?

'Course they're gonna.
They say yes to everything.

[NIKKI] Come on.

[NIKKI] Thank you.

- Get a seat. Get a seat.
- [JASON] Sit down there. Good boy.

Good girl.

- Oh, wow. This is exciting.
- This is exciting, innit? Yeah.

Oh, wow. This is amazing!

Look how high we're going.

Oh, look, there's Buckingham Palace.
We were there earlier. [CHUCKLES]

And that's the Houses of Parliament.

It's where people make decisions
about the country.

Well, sometimes.

And that big round building there is...

[MAN] I always get those confused.

[PASSENGERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[MAN] Oh, is that...
Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that is it.

What's that big round building there?

St. Paul's.

They would've loved this.

- We are gonna go and wake them up, right?
- God, yeah.

- Come on. You're missing all the fun.
- Come have a look. Come on.

- Should I show you where we were before?
- Big Ben!

So we dated for three years,
and then he broke up with me,

then got together with Nikki.

In that order.

It was just one of those
classic six-year rebound flings...

where you end up adopting kids.

But I don't really know Nikki.

Just online stuff.

But she seems nice.

Kind of Etsy. Not my thing.

Not every jumper needs to have
a fox on it. Do you know what I mean?

But, um, I'm sure she's great.

And he seems happy.

- [JASON] You all right?
- [NIKKI] Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Fine.

Spend all day wanting them to be quiet,

then when they are,
you immediately miss them.

Yeah, I know.
Self-preservation this, mate.

They fall asleep three minutes
before you lose patience and abandon them,

and then they look so sweet and adorable
that you forget how unbearable they were.

Then it happens the next day,
then 7,000 more times,

and then you drive them to university.

- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, sounds great.

Hi. Oh. Um...

Well, come in. [CHUCKLES] Come on in.

[WHISPERING] There were only two children,
weren't there? I can't...

- [MOM CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- [JASON] Oh.

- So, um, how long have they been asleep?
- [NIKKI] Oh, not long.

About 45. Hmm...

- Four to five minutes.
- [WHISPERING] Yeah.

- Okay.
- About five minutes.

Okay. Sweetheart. Uh, wake up, sweetheart.
[CHUCKLES] [SNIFFS]

How was the spa?

Well, it was 300 quid,
and it smelled like a dentist's, so...

- Lovely.
- Sweetheart, wake up.

- Time to wake up, darling.
- Here you go.

Oh, no, you're okay, mate. Rush.

Mate, I know my kids. Have a beer.

- Lovely. Thanks.
- [LAUGHS]

[JASON CLEARS THROAT]

[INHALES] [SIGHS]

- Is that a good book?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I'm reading my book.

It's not the end of the world
if it wasn't the perfect day.

- Yeah. No, I know.
- You know, I... [STAMMERS] [SIGHS]

I just think maybe you tried
a little bit too hard, that's all.

Yeah.

Or maybe you weren't trying hard enough.

We need to learn to bond with children.
If we couldn't bond with them, then...

But we're never gonna bond with them
in the way that we will with ours, are we?

- Why?
- Because they're not our kids.

They're someone else's kids
who miss their mum and dad.

Yeah. Jason, that is exactly
who our kids are gonna be.

Someone else's kids
who miss their mum and dad.

And it's gonna be a lot harder
than today was.

They might not even like us.
They might not even talk to us.

And we're gonna have to deal with
all of that, whether we like it or not.

And so you know,
I am gonna be trying hard.

I am gonna be trying really hard
because we're gonna have to.

And I cannot have you standing behind me,
tutting and rolling your eyes.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Your mum is gonna be doing enough of that.

Ice cream! I want my ice cream!

Penguin wants ice cream! Ah!

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

- How long have you been there for?
- About an hour.

Mm. [CHUCKLES]

[SKITTLES BAG CRINKLING]

Nikki?