03x05 - Pick a Side

[bunniefuu]

I cannot believe that he supports Arsenal.

- I support Tottenham, Nikki!
- Yes.

Jase, I have grasped
the complex nature of the problem.

Why wouldn't he tell me?

Well, because...
'Cause he's a people pleaser.

He probably thought you'd be upset,

which you won't be,
because it is only football.

It doesn't matter what team he likes.

He needs something to share
with other kids.

- Jason!
- It's a big deal, Nikki, okay?

When I was a kid,
my dad took me to Tottenham,

his dad took him,
and I wanted to take Tyler.

Now I've gotta spend the whole day
with flippin' Arsenal fans.

- Aw, I know, I know. It's really...
- Okay.

- Sorry. I tried, but I just...
- All right.

I really can't care about it.
And this is me. I care about...

- Everyone.
- Who's that? What? Who is it?

- It's Jen.
- Have you fired her yet?

No! And if I don't
by the end of the week, Terry will.

But it's fine because I have a new plan.

- Oh, yeah? Go on, I'm listening.
- No, I have. Listen, listen.

I'm gonna take her out
for coffee this morning

and inspire her into quitting

by making her realize

that it is the job
that is holding her back.

- Okay, yeah. You're a pushover.
- Mmm.

No, I am not!

Are you doing Princess's homework
literally right now?

Oi.

Don't let her and her little friends
walk all over you today, all right?

It's easy for you to be strong with her
'cause she hasn't had a dad before, right?

- She's got no one to compare you to.
- I know.

Dad! Can I have Cheerios?

Yeah. Please use a bowl this time!

Okay.

Jase, is that the first time
she's said "Dad"?

Yeah.

Nikki.

Okay, look, she started last week.

But listen to me,
it is only because I am with her more.

It's not a competition.

Oi, you, listen, don't panic

and buy her something expensive
to make her like you

or I don't know,
let her get a tattoo or something,

'cause you know she wants one.

She's nine.
Where am I getting her a tattoo from?

We live in Camden.
I once saw a dog with a tattoo.

Hmm.

- Hey, hey.
- Yeah?

We've got a couple of minutes.

No! They're up. What if they come in?

They're not gonna come in.

Listen, the best thing
about being adopted is

it's possible
that your parents have never had sex.

Okay? Let's not ruin it for them.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

What's all... What's all this?

Uh, measuring for a new carpet.
Helps sell the place, I think.

- You know, for the people looking round.
- Shh! Keep your voice down a bit, will ya?

Jase, he's doing the flat up
so they can charge us more.

You did put that offer in, didn't you?

Uh, no, not quite.

- Jase.
- You know what my dad's like.

He's terrible with paperwork.
He can't even fill out a parking permit.

He still puts a fiver
underneath the windscreen wipers.

- I'll call him. It'll be fine.
- Okay.

Oh, the, uh... the foster home sent
the rest of Tyler's stuff.

There's photos in there.
I think we should put them up.

Jase, I think that's a really good sign.

They know we've got
the court hearing in a few weeks.

They wouldn't send his stuff
if they didn't think he...

They've sent his stuff
because they've sent his stuff. That's it.

- All right?
- Okay.

- I've gotta go meet Jen.
- All right, babe.

- Bye.
- Don't be a pushover.

What? Jase, why is that an insult?

Maybe the problem is
with the people pushing us over.

Ring your dad.

Ringing him.

Also, he wants you
to put these up in the kitchen.

Makes it look nicer, he says.

Is there anything else we can do

to help him to sell the place
from under us?

Maybe take the batteries out
the fruit bowl?

Right.

This is fun.

I prefer fun Jen and Nikki
to work Jen and Nikki.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, how is work going, do you think?

Oh, um... Really good, actually.

Great.

And just for fun,
what would you say your strong points are?

You know, if you had to.

I have a face
that suits literally every type of hat.

- Thank you.
- Ah, thank you.

Looks so expensive.

Shall I just have the top?

No, no. It's on me. It's fine.

Do you know, the person that started
this chain now has eight cake shops?

- No way.
- Yes, yes.

And do you know what she said

the most important part
of setting up this business was?

The cakes.

Well, yes, but before that.

- The chairs?
- No, no.

The vision.

You have to envision
the life that you want.

And, Jen, it can be anything.
It can be absolutely anything you want.

Even if it's not
exactly where you are right now.

Isn't that... Isn't that inspiring?

I know what you're trying to do,
and I really appreciate it.

But I don't want a promotion.
I'm happy where I am.

In fact, I'd say I've never been happier.

And my parents are so proud.

I'm finally back in the family newsletter.

Yeah, one of my cousins thought I'd died.

Oh, that's great. Great.

Hey, hey.

I've got some postpartum gifts.

I got a new journal.

Uh, and I found us
Shelley's Ode to the West Wind.

I feel, um... Well, I mean, one assumes
we'll be in a... in a Shelley place. Hmm?

And I know it's a little bit early,
but, um, oh!

Okay, okay, Scott.

Look.

Yeah.

If you really wanna help me through this…

- Yeah.
- …then there is something I need.

Yeah.

I need you to be less… modern.

Okay.

I need a tap fixer,
not a watery-eyed journaler, you know?

I need B6 supplements
and cavity wall insulation,

not tears on the toilet

'cause everything in the world
suddenly feels connected.

I cannot have you crying
more than the baby.

Yeah, I mean, that's…

Um, you know I'm not an alpha male.
I mean, you knew that when you proposed.

I just don't like all that
"hug it out, I'll be there for you" stuff.

You know, I can cope very well on my own.

And at the scan,
no holding my hand and stroking my hair.

Just get me a coffee,
sit in the waiting room,

and look over the top of your newspaper
every now and then. Like a Victorian.

Because, to be honest,
it feels like you might be a fainter.

Aw. Oh, that's cute, isn't it?
What do you think of that?

No.

No, it's gross, isn't it?

Can I get this?

Oh! Well, that's nice, isn't it?

Ooh, it's quite... It's quite expensive.

But I really like it.

Yeah, no, I-I-I know you do, but...

Please?

No. No, I'm sorry Princess, no. We can't.

Ah, that was fun, wasn't it?
Where do you fancy next, girls?

- Hans & Gretel ice cream!
- Yeah! Ice cream!

Oh, no, no, no, no, isn't it a little bit
early for a novelty ice cream?

I'll just go get a chair.

Oh, uh, can you sit over there?

- What, there?
- No.

Over there.

Right.

Right, but that's
a different restaurant, isn't it?

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

Oi, I thought I said
no Adam today. Cheeky.

All right, well,
be careful with him, all right?

We don't want anyone
tripping over his cord, do we? No.

Okay. In you go.

Uh…

Sorry, I'm just...
I'm trying to watch those kids.

Oh!

Uh, hi. Are... Are you eating here?

Yes, love.

With food from this café? Because I think
this area is customers only.

I've lost my left breast to cancer.
I'll eat where I like.

Don't tut at me, superfood salad.
I'm not your Polish builder.

Come on, boys. So sorry.

My family knew the Krays,
so no one tells me where I can sit.

- I'm Bev.
- Nikki.

Mmm.

- Cute kids.
- Yeah.

So, which one's yours?

None of them, really.

It's a long story, Bev.

Thanks for coming, mate.

Bat-Signal goes up and here I am.
Can only stay for the first half though.

This just feels so wrong.
It feels so wrong.

I shouldn't be here. They know.
They know that I don't belong here.

It's like when I'm in a church, you know.

- Well, he's young. Switch him to Spurs.
- Shh.

I've tried and it's too late.
He's already set.

And anyway,
I'd rather he was an Arsenal fan

than someone who switches teams.

I mean,
that's like… cheating on your wife.

Sorry, mate. No offense.

No, it's fine. I was having a breakdown.

I love it.
I love how you say that like you...

It's like you declare yourself bankrupt
and it just clears all your debt. It's...

- No, look, I know I'm a bad person.
- Right.

- But it's because of what happened to me.
- What do you mean?

Nothing.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me.

Oh, my goodness, mate.
I'm so sorry. You should've said.

When... When did this not happen?

No. Nothing bad happening
can be ruinous to a person.

- I went to this AA group.
- Yeah?

Everybody there, they had reasons
for their mistakes, but I haven't got any.

I'm just an arsehole.

Feel free to interrupt.

- No, go on.
- Well, there you go.

So… I started this.

- AA.
- Arseholes Anonymous.

I have created a safe space
for arseholes to come together and change.

- Right.
- 'Cause you see,

I've got a lot of good things in my life
that I don't deserve,

and I'm gonna start deserving them.

Yesterday I considered
letting a refugee stay in my spare room.

I mean, practically, it wouldn't work.

The kitchen island's tiny,
and I imagine it's a lot of forms.

- But I'm telling you…
- Sure.

…I'm gonna change people.

The man you are today need not be
the man you are tomorrow.

Are you running a cult?

- Time will tell, mate. Time will tell.
- Lacazette. Lacazette!

Shit.

So we go in front of a judge

and just hope
that they give us full custody,

but we just... We're not sure
which way it's gonna go at the minute.

No?

I don't think that I've got
the relationship with Princess

that I would've hoped to have had by now.

I just... I-I feel like
just some random woman in her life.

I think that's why I find it hard
to be tough with her.

I-I'm so desperate for her to like me.

Yeah, my daughter had some problems,

and I'm telling you,
tough love is the only love.

Yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right.

- Family is everything.
- Yeah.

Look, if someone tried to take mine away?

There'd be murders.

Literal murders.

- Sorry, I'm just gonna keep...
- Oh, no, you keep an eye, love.

If I was going to grab a kid,
I'd do it here.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry, I just need to...

- Hello?
- Hi.

Promise me you won't panic.
He's fine, okay?

Jase, what's happened?

He's tripped over and banged his head,

so I brought him to hospital
just to be on the safe side.

Hospital?

Yeah, look, he's... Trust me, he's okay.

In the taxi,
he was more concerned with the football.

Weren't you, mate?

Jase, sorry, wha... Why are you in a taxi?

'Cause I've had a drink.

You're drunk?

Jase, what if...
What if they call social services?

We're gonna be in and out,
and no one's calling anyone, all right?

Listen... Look, I've got... I've gotta go,
babe, all right?

No, J...

Bloody hell.

- Everything all right?
- Sorry, yeah. I just...

Gotta go. It's fine,
it's t... totally fine.

- It was so nice to meet you, Bev.
- Yeah, you too.

And be strong, eh?

Kids need a strong woman in their lives.

Yes.

Okay, Princess, we need to go.
Your brother's had a little accident.

Okay.
There's a small bruise there, isn't there?

Well, he tripped over Adam.

Didn't... Well, that's his...
That's his lamp.

- Okay. Um, it looks fine.
- Yeah?

I'd like to give it half an hour
to make sure.

- Great, so should we wait here?
- Wait here.

All right. Fantastic. Thank you, Doctor.

Hi. Hi, welcome back. Hi. Hi, come on in.

Welcome, welcome.
Oh, welcome. Um, take a seat.

So, uh, welcome to the other AA.

Before we start,
I see that once again I'm the only person

to bring biscuits.

Now, didn't mind doing it
for the first few sessions,

but we are entering
freeloader territory here,

so let's not forget why we're here. Okay?

Now, um, well, I see we have a new member.

So, uh, would you like
to start by introducing yourself?

Uh, yeah, um...

I'm Lawrence, and, uh, I'm an arsehole.

And we all say hello back.

We spoke about this last week.
Come on, guys.

- Hello, Lawrence.
- Hi, Lawrence.

- Hello, Lawrence.
- Hi, Lawrence.

Oh, your... your bag's open.

Why do you have this?

Princess, why do you have this?

Right. Okay, come on, we're going back.

- No!
- No! No argument.

Please!

Has to be
their last chance, you'd think.

And Spurs
continue to throw for the leveler.

Looking for Dier. Here is Dier.
And Moura at the far post.

Yes, and it's Lucas Moura.

Tottenham rescue the point. It's 1-1…

Aw, are you okay, mate?
It's only football.

And it's Tottenham 1, Arsenal 1.

And I just lost it, you know.

And I...
I stood up, I pushed him against the wall

and I'm screaming in his face,
"You call this an Admiral's Club?"

So, I'm thinking of, uh...
Volunteering in a soup kitchen.

I mean, it seems like a good thing to do.

Uh, plus, they don't really expect much,
so, you know.

That's very brave.

Olivia, is there something
you'd like to contribute?

Sounds like a bad Admiral's Club.
I'd have shoved the guy.

Yes, but then where would that get us?

Well, eventually, better Admiral's clubs.
I mean, what are we doing here?

We're trying to become better people.

Why? We're already the best ones.

- We're not soup kitchen volunteers. We're…
- Lawyer.

- You?
- Small tech start-up.

Early days, but we expect to float
in the third quarter of next year.

CEO.

- Yeah, I'm a surgeon.
- You?

Director of my own sporting goods company.

Exactly. Arseholes run things.

Because running things is hard,

and we're the only ones
with the stomach for it.

Yes, but that doesn't give us license
to behave badly.

- 'Cause we live in a society.
- Oh, who cares about society?

Ants have a great society.

They still vomit into each other's mouths
to communicate.

If ants had egos,
they'd have smartphones by now.

Well, hard to do anything
other than speculate about that.

Human progress happens
when arseholes act like arseholes.

What human progress did me cheating
on my wife achieve?

Yours. Your human progress.
You were probably miserable.

- No, see, 'cause I'm miserable now.
- Well, that's because you're here.

No, I'm sorry.

I tried, but I can't do this.

I'm quitting my job at Oxfam.

It hasn't made me happier
like you said it would.

You can't run away from your true nature

like it's jury service or a cyclist
you just glance with your car.

Olivia, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna need
your two-week chip back.

Fine. I was going anyway.

You all should too.

Jonathan. Leonard. Come on.

Guys, seriously.

I mean, Dan, you were doing so well.

Guys?

Lawrence.

A little cold. But this just helps
the ultrasound waves go in

and gives us a clearer picture.

And this is the probe we're going to use.
It is a round probe and...

Okay, okay.

Vanessa, I'm very comfortable
with the edited highlights of this. Okay?

Okay.

Just trying to see
if I can find a heartbeat.

- Can be a little tricky sometimes.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna try a little bit more gel.

Um, sometimes people are a bit off
with the dates,

so they think they're further along
than they are. Which might explain it.

- When was your last period?
- No, the dates...

I... I know they're right.

Okay.

Okay, you know what,
I'm just gonna pop and get a colleague.

- Okay.
- Okay. I won't be a moment.

Vanessa?

Can you do me a favor?

Scott?

I'll just be two minutes.

Okay, okay.

It's okay. I've got you.
Both of you. Okay?

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

You're fine. Keep an eye.

All right, fantastic.

Right, then, you, let's go.

Good boy.

Looking for Lacazette with Saka in space.

Yes! We won! We won, Dad! We won!

Arsenal steal it at the death.

♪ We love you, Arsenal
We do ♪

Sing with me, Dad.

♪ We love you, Arsenal, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Arsenal, we do
We love you, Arsenal, we do ♪

♪ We love you, Arsenal, we do
Oh, Arsenal, we love you ♪

♪ We love you, Arsenal, we do ♪

There we go.

Little bit shy, that's all.

Make the most of that.

Princess?

No, Princess.

Princess?

Princess, will you let me in, please?

- No.
- I have to do tough love.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.
People just always say it, don't they?

So I think it must be true.

- Just come out.
- No.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oi.
- Go away.

- Princess.
- Go away!

Will you just tell me why you took it?

Excuse me. Is there a problem?

Yes. Yes, actually,
these walls are too high.

Please don't look over the walls.

This is a private matter, actually.
Thank you very much.

- I have jurisdiction in the whole shop.
- Oh, please!

You're not even allowed to stop
shoplifters walking out with stuff.

It's health and safety.

I've read that.
You're basically a scarecrow.

I can... I can ask them to stop, actually.

No, okay, I'm sorry, that was mean.
That was mean.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

We don't have to do tough love.

Things are tough enough.

Will you come out?

Why did you take it?

Your birthmark?

They made fun of it.

Oh.

Well, it just makes you
a little different, that's all.

I don't want to be different.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

When you're young, you want to cover up

what's different about you.

When you get older,

it becomes the thing
that people like about you.

Right. You don't want to be different?

No? I know what we can do.

Let's have a look at yours.

You are insane.

You know, I've always wanted a tattoo.

I feel so edgy.

But I still want to be
taken seriously at work,

so I'm gonna put a watch over it
to cover it when I'm in client meetings.

So edgy, yeah.

Do you know, um, we had a moment.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

What, did you, uh,
gaze into each other's eyes?

- Yes. Yes.
- You did?

Well, no. I mean, she looked in a mirror.
But I saw, Jase.

Oh, we still need to unpack his stuff.

Oh! Jase, look.

Yeah.

- I'm gonna put these up for them.
- Hold on a sec.

Hmm?

- Can I have that?
- Yeah.

Unscrew the nut to release the…

Bev!