03x06 - Feelings Are the Worst

[bunniefuu]

- [Jason] You're sure that's her?
- [Nikki] Definitely.

- How sure?
- Ninety-five to one hundred percent.

Would you recognize her
if you saw her again?

Yeah. There she is.

- You know what I'm gonna say, don't you?
- What?

- Robert D...
- No. Oh, come on.

- Robert Downey Jr. was not in Tesco's.
- Why not?

Why would he be?
He's got assistants and stuff for that.

No, Robert's not like that.

Robert's like... He's like you and me.

She must be some sort of relative.

- Are we being stalked?
- [sighs]

Look, even if that is her, right?

Then it... it could easily be
a coincidence.

- It wasn't a coincidence.
- All right. Let me ask you this.

Did you... Did you sit with her,
or did she sit with you?

She sat with me. Yeah.

She definitely sat with me,
and she saw Princess,

and she didn't tell me that she knew her.

Oh, God.

And then she was, like,
saying stuff about... about family,

about fighting for family.

I think she was trying to intimidate me.

She said…

[Cockney accent]
"My family knew the Krays."

Did she sound like that,

or are you just doing that voice
to make it sound worse, the way people do?

[normal] Jase, they are gangsters.

- Get away from the window.
- Oh, Nikki, don't be silly.

Look, that's just how people
from the East End speak.

It's all geezer, family, Krays,
geezer, geezer, Parklife, geezer.

- There's more.
- What?

[sighs] I… [clicks tongue]
…I may have opened up to her

- and-and… [sighs] …told her some things.
- What things? What things?

Just about when me
and Princess weren't getting along.

Bloody hell. Can you not meet one person
without telling them everything?

- No, I don't!
- Come on.

Last week the postman asked me
if my rash had cleared up.

And then she was there when you called
when you were taking Tyler to A&E.

Jase, oh, no. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I didn't know!

- What if she's dangerous?
- She's not dangerous.

Jase.

She's not dangerous, Nikki. Trust me.

- Okay.
- All right?

[vehicle horn honks]

[anti-theft alarm blaring]

[Nikki] Their grandmother?
How did she find us?

Do we need protection? [stammers]

Should we be getting bodyguards?

It's the council.

I had to bring a kettle from home.

We don't have bodyguard money.

But, Noah, I just...
I didn't know that there'd be stalking.

Yeah, we should put that
in the welcome pack.

So, we'd been told
that they couldn't make contact with us.

- Yeah.
- Well, she is their grandmother.

People get ideas.

Look, it's only a few weeks
until we go before the judge.

I'll talk to her.

Does this mean she wants custody
of the kids?

Well, she knows that's not an option
because of her age.

And she didn't try and talk to them.

Well, so... so what?

Well, I'd say it was you she was watching.

[Karen sighs]
I've never heard of Faraday Books.

Are you sure they're legit?

Yeah. I've scoured the website.

Nothing but quality fonts all around.

It just seems a bit quick.

You know, to read a blog
and then just decide to publish it.

Well, publishing companies are very nimble
these days, you know?

They're very quick to react.

The Internet,
that's-that's where all the talent is.

If Hemingway were writing now,
he'd be writing a blog.

- Why don't you just keep blogging then?
- God, no. Can you imagine?

Hey, lots of, uh...
Lots of A-listers on their books.

Ah, hmm. There's that comedian.

She's on that panel thing I hate.

And he's a reality person.

[inhales sharply]
These are not A-list celebrities, Scott.

They're Z-list, and that's only
'cause the alphabet only goes up to Z.

I would ask you
to be a little more positive.

[chuckling] Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just the...

I have a person inside me
who needs 2,000 calories a day until 2040,

so I'm just not in a "follow your heart,
your dreams fly on magical wings" place.

[Scott sighs]

What... I do have faith in you, though.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

[Scott] Mmm.

Good, actually, because, big news…

[inhales deeply]

…I've handed in my notice.

- Wha...
- Yeah.

I think it's the perfect time to jump.
I really do.

And, listen, good things happen
when you commit to things.

You know?
Even if you're not certain it'll work out.

I mean, look at you and I.

[kisses, sighs]

Right. I'm off for a nap.

[stammers]

[Karen]
It's awful, being pregnant. It's awful.

- I can't even have a hot bath.
- What?

Yeah. I bathe. I do not shower.

I'm not an American or a muddy dog.

[chuckles]

You're just constantly patronized.

- [clicks tongue] Well, that's nice!
- No, no, I'll get that.

[Karen] Uh, no.

- You see?
- Right.

Is it okay if we don't stay here too long?

Why?

No, it's…

No reason. I'm just...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That's her.

What?

Who?

[Karen] Nikki.

- Hey.
- [gasps]

Oh, God. Oh, sorry.

Sorry… [chuckles] …sorry,
I... I thought you were someone else.

Sorry.

[sighs]

Hello, mate.

[sighs]

Can I have a look at that?

Tyler, let me have a look.

[Tyler sighs]

Thank you.

Those pajamas are a bit big for you,
aren't they, mate, eh?

You know,
I think we might have to let him go.

- Why?
- Well, he's dangerous.

I mean, he's already put you in A&E once.

And I think, uh…

I think it is important
to be able to let things go.

Because it is only just a... a thing.

And things come and go.

It's people that we need to hang on to.

And you've got us now.
You don't need Adam anymore.

Come here. Here's a good boy.

[kissing]

I'm sorry, but this is clearly
a case of mistaken identity.

You know
you're still holding the shopping?

Not just a scarecrow, eh?

- She called me a scarecrow last week.
- What?

What? What...
What is going on? What is happening?

You... You know she's pregnant.

You are imprisoning a pregnant woman.

It is bad to stress them out.
They get very stressed.

[stammers] I'm fine.

I'm not a dolphin at SeaWorld.

- Do you wanna sit down?
- No, I do not want to sit down.

I can see the chair,
and if I wanted to, I would.

- What would be stopping me?
- Yeah...

You? You wait here.

[scoffing]

Right, well, I might be off.

Excuse me?

Are you serious? Are you leaving me here?

- Well, you'll be fine.
- Karen, sit down.

[groans] Will everybody stop telling me
to sit down?

Fine, well, stand up then,
but you are not leaving.

- [cell phone chimes]
- [clicks tongue]

[sighs] Gosh…

What?

They want us to have a meeting with Bev,
and I just... I don't trust her.

I sort of brought you some water.

Did I ask for some water?

Nope. No, you... No, you did not.

- I will be right back.
- Okay.

[Karen] They treat you like an invalid.

I'm still slimmer
than most non-pregnant women, so...

Karen, will you just give it a rest?

- What's the matter with you?
- You! You are driving me mad.

- What...
- Do you know how lucky you are?

I mean, you are gonna have a child,
and you don't have to do anything.

No forms, no assessments,
no stalking grandmas, nothing.

You... You just have to stay alive.

Nature will do everything.

I mean, you could just lie in bed
for the next nine months if you wanted to.

Uh, childbirth is...

More lying in bed!

It is hard.

[scoffs] Well, then they will give you
free dr*gs to make it not hard.

Can I take dr*gs
to take my problems away? No.

Well, yes.

Yes, but they would still be there
when I wake up,

unlike yours, which will have been taken
out of you by a team of experts

and turned into a lifetime of joy.

While you were high! [chuckles]

- The police are on their way.
- The police?

[breathing heavily] Okay.

Okay, okay.
C-Can I just explain something to you?

Now is a really bad time
for me to be getting arrested.

Really? Why didn't you say?

Honestly? Honestly. Oh.

Well, uh, no, I didn't think you'd care.

Okay. Okay.
You're being sarcastic. [sighs]

- J...
- [screams]

Karen?

Karen! Karen, are you okay?

No. No, I am not. I'm too hot. [panting]

And I don't know if it's me
or the room because I never know.

They should put up a sign in hot rooms.

[breathing heavily]
You know, it isn't easy,

and I am getting really scared.

Right, about the police?

- No! Not about the police!
- Oh.

You know, I'm 39,
and I'm a geriatric mother.

How is that right?

I haven't even paid off
my student bloody loan.

You know, I looked it up,

and Ryan Giggs, he played
in the Premier League when he was 39.

Uh, yeah. No, he had to drop a bit deeper
to influence the game, but he did the job.

Yes! Yes! He did a job.

Yeah.

You know, I am actually getting
rather stressed here,

so I would like to go home
with my sister now, please.

[sighs] Y-Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Right.

[Nikki] Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I was just acting.

Oh. Well, that was some good acting.
[chuckles]

Yeah.

Should we go for a little chat?

Yes, please.

Don't look at me like that.

[door closes]

- [phone ringing]
- [people chattering]

[cell phone beeps]

[Scott] Hello.

You are Jeanette Forrester.

[chuckles] So, I have to say, for me,

you are one of the top four... eight
radical literary feminists I've read.

Truly.

Bitch, Lover, Child, Mother, I think,
perfectly captures how we control

- an-and really patronize pregnant women.
- Hmm.

I'm insisting my pregnant wife read it.

Hmm, yes.
Depictions of motherhood are failing us.

Whitewashed, overexposed simulacrum

of immaculate children in spotless linen
pushed by perky Earth mamas.

The truth is,
a b*mb is about to go off in your life.

Ah. [laughs] I see you've met.

Look out for this one.

He's the best satirical spoof I've read
this year.

[Jeanette chuckles]

Shall we? Yeah?

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Okay.

Wow.

Yeah. I mean, she's nice enough,
but my God, she's intense.

You know, it's all,

"Our enslavement is a story
we tell ourselves."

It's like, you know,
how about some small talk?

Ask me about my weekend.

- You know what I mean?
- Yes.

What did you mean
when you said, um, "spoof"?

Shall we?

And into the office we go.

So, um…

- So I'm in the comedy department?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we'll get Maya down soon
and talk about marketing,

but, first of all, how excited are we?

Very, yes.

Um… [clicks tongue] …uh,

what you were saying just there
about, um, uh, "satirical spoof"?

Yep. I meant every word of it.
You have struck gold with this character.

Uh, you see, when you say "character"...

You have perfectly skewered
a certain sort of… [inhales sharply]

…ludicrous, performative 21st-century man.

He's, uh, lamenting the evils of money
because he's always had it.

He's lecturing people
on structural racism,

but his favorite rapper…
[chuckles] …is Eminem.

You know, he carries his novels face out
so everyone knows what he's reading,

underlining bits
with a small, artisanal pencil.

Yeah, we've all met those morons.

Knock, knock.

Scott, have you seen
the front cover mock-up?

We think we've cracked the title.
[chuckles]

Right.

Right. Okay.

Listen, you really can't be too subtle
with the Christmas toilet book market.

You really have to go
balls in the face with it.

Yeah, look, I was thinking,
for the soft launch,

Scott does the whole thing in character.

- [Leo] Loving your work.
- [Scott] Yeah, sorry.

You keep saying character, and I just...

This... [stammers] Th-This book is real.

- It's serious social criticism.
- Yeah.

I mean,
this is Martin Luther's "59 Theses" speech

from the march on Selma.

Oh.

This is Dylan without the harmonica, guys.

Bri... That's brilliant.
That's brilliant. Do that.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- No, I'm not doing...

[stammers] This is not a joke.

Hmm. But there's
a preparatory reading list in the front.

Yeah, of course there is.

Chapter four is just a list of criticisms
of Alain de Botton.

Yeah, and I pulled my punches.
I promise you that.

- Uh, so… [groans] …this is you?
- I don't... Hmm.

[Scott] Yes!

This is me.

Okay, well… [stammers]

Okay, congratulations.

Funny is funny.
Let's publish and be damned.

No, no, sorry.

No, I'm not disrespecting
my own work like this.

Okay. Well, then,
I guess you've got a decision to make.

Hmm. [clicks tongue]

Yeah, I guess I do.

[Nikki] It's just the way she looks at me.
I can just...

I can feel her eyes baring into my soul.

Yeah, but you've got a lovely soul,
haven't you?

So you got nothing to worry about.
She'll only see nice things.

Like when your T-shirt went see-through
on the log flume that time.

- Jason. Shh!
- Do you remember that? Yeah.

Jase!

I just think there's no excuse
for maybe stalking someone.

- Like we did with that builder guy?
- [Nikki] Whose side are you on?

[Jason] Oh, I don't know, honestly.

All I know is, there shouldn't be sides.

Look, it'll be fine.

Hopefully, we're not on our own with her
at any point.

Oh, God.

Oh, hello.

Hello there.

- Mint?
- Oh, no, thank you.

- Oh, yes. Give me that...
- Jase.

No, thanks, Bev.

[Noah] So, from talking to Bev,

I think she's just very keen
to hear how the children are doing.

It's been a long time
since she's seen them.

Well... [chuckles]

I believe you have a photo.

Yes. Hmm.

Uh, here. Um, that's them,
um, a few days ago,

- outside the... outside the house.
- [Bev gasps, whimpers]

- Thanks.
- Yeah, it's all right. It's okay.

[breathes shakily] And, um,
how is Tyler after the accident?

Did the hospital say it was okay?

They... He... Yeah, he's... [stammers]
He's absolute... He's absolutely fine.

- Don't blame yourself.
- No.

Everyone likes a drink every now and then.

It's just when it goes too far.

[Nikki] Mmm.

- That's when the problem starts.
- Yeah, yeah. That's...

[clicks tongue] And, um, how's Princess?

Are you getting on better with her now?

- 'Cause I know it's been hard.
- Good, yeah. It's very good.

It's very good.

Good.

It's good. Yeah. Mmm.

That's good.

[clicks tongue] Okay.

So, perhaps you can tell Bev a little bit
about what the kids have been up to.

- [Nikki] What the hell was that?
- [Jason] What do you mean?

[Nikki] That was not the real her.

- That was not the woman that I met.
- Oh, she seemed all right.

I've only got my own mother as comparison.

- She was trying to get us into trouble.
- What?

I wouldn't be surprised
if those mints were poisoned.

Oh, don't be silly.

She was just trying to work out
if we're good people.

- No. I can see her coming a mile off.
- Excuse me. [breathing heavily]

Sorry.

- I made these for the kids…
- [Nikki] Oh.

…and I wondered
if you'd give them to them.

- [Jason] Aw. Cheers, Bev.
- Oh, okay.

- That's all right.
- Thank you.

That's really nice.

- All right. Uh, excuse me.
- [Nikki] Mmm.

- Have a good one.
- [Bev] Mmm.

[cell phone ringing]

It's nice.

Hang on.
Sorry, I've gotta take this. It's Scott.

No, I asked him to call me.
Listen, I'll see you after work.

Look, our kids have got exes.

We just have to build relationships
with them, all right?

Just l-learn to trust a little. Okay?

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye, babe. I love you.

[Jason on phone] Mate, we need to talk
about the money. What's happening?

Yes, we are, uh, at 11,000 currently.

Okay, great. So that's 23 in total?

[Scott] No, 11 in total.

- What're you talking about? I gave you 12.
- Yes.

And that's currently 11.

- So you've lost a thousand?
- No, no, no, no.

It still has the potential to be 12,000.

But it has currently taken the form
of 11,000.

Mate...

Mate, there is an offer on the flat
that I need to match.

I gave you that money to double it,
not to lose it.

Yeah, well, doubling isn't really a thing.

What about all these rich people
making money on the markets?

What do they do?

Um, I think they have more money
to s-start with.

Well... Well, can't you just… short it?

Short what?

Th-The money that I gave you,
just-just short it quickly.

Yeah? Short it.

I don't know
what you think "short it" means. Um...

What am I supposed to do?

We... We're on a single income.
I need to find somewhere for us to live.

- I have to get another job at least.
- Yeah. Listen, I sympathize, brother.

As a father myself,
I've been thinking of...

Look, just give me the money back.
All right?

Give it back to me,
and please do not mention it to Nikki.

And you've got no idea
how expensive kids are.

There's something new every day.
You've got n... You've got no idea

what it is like being the thin line
between everyone that you love starving.

[Bev sniffles]

Hiya.

[sniffles] Sorry.

- Are you okay?
- [scoffs]

I'm just tired. [sniffles]

I've been up since 6:00.

I didn't wanna be late.

How far away do you live?

[chuckles] Three stops.

- [laughs]
- [chuckling]

- Yeah.
- [sniffles, chuckles]

You must think I'm very silly.

No. Of course not.

It's difficult for everyone.

[scoffs] Not for you, I'm sure.

You seem very accomplished young people.

Trust me, we're not perfect.

- No? [chuckles]
- No.

We've got our issues.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I've thought about it.

I'd like to go ahead with the book,
but I have one demand.

I won't agree to any demands.

I accept.

[exhales heavily]

Hello, Dad. Are you around?

I could use a bit of help.

[grunts]

Screwdriver.

[exhales sharply]

Wrench.

Insulated crimping pliers.

- [pliers creak]
- Oh, careful.

How's it going?

Um, it's-it's-it's too early to tell.

- [Vic grunts]
- Okay.

- Keep me updated.
- Will do.

[sighs]

[Jason sighs]

[kitchen timer ringing]

[Nikki chuckles]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Oh, no, really?

- It's buggered.
- Are you sure?

If it had relatives, they'd be flying in.

- [Nikki clicks tongue]
- Oh.

[Nikki] Careful.

Oh, no. What's happened now?

[sighs]

[clicks tongue] I made these earlier.

- Oh, yeah. That's much better.
- [chuckles]

- You mind if I, uh…
- Yeah. No, help yourself. [chuckles]

Ta.

Oh, my God.

So good.

Um, right.

Uh, Heavenly Father… [sniffs]

…we, uh, thank you
for having entrusted us with Adam.

He really, uh, brightened up
all of our lives.

- Amen.
- Lovely. Shall we go in now?

[Princess stammers, sighs]

We have to read something.

Yeah, yeah. Um… [clicks tongue]

Can we just do this
before Keith and Shelagh get back?

- Do you wanna read that?
- Yeah.

[breathes deeply]

"Thank you for purchasing
this Macmillan table light.

Please read the instructions carefully
before use

to ensure safe and…"

[Nikki clicks tongue] Let's have a look.
"Satisfactory."

"…satisfactory operation of this product."

- [others] Amen...
- "Bulb not included."

[others] Amen.

Cover him up.

- Come on then, let's cover him.
- [Jason] Well done, mate.

Beautiful.

Come on, kids. That's it.

- [Sandra] Come on, darling.
- [Nikki sighs]

[Tyler] Can we have a snack?

What do you reckon?
That enough closure for you?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, real growth.
- Yeah.

A real watershed moment.

[Sandra] Come on. Get that door.

- Let's get inside.
- [cell phone ringing]

[sighs]

Hello?

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I've got a minute.

- [Jason] You all right, mate?
- Yeah. [clears throat]

It's the begonias. Get in my eyes.

Allergies.

[Nikki] Right, okay. Yeah, thank you.

What?

That was Noah.

Right.

Did you talk to Bev after we left?

- [stammers] Yeah. I mean... Not, um...
- What did you say?

Don't remember. Why?
What's happened? What's happened?

She's made a complaint against us.

She says we're not fit to take the kids.

They're not gonna take that seriously,
are they? She's got nothing on us.

[inhales sharply]

She's saying we're losing the flat,
that we don't have enough money to buy it.

Is that true?

And she's saying that you've gambled
all of our savings without telling me.

Jason, what have you done?

[melancholy pop song playing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[song continues]