01x10 - Jumbo Johnny / The Perfect Gift / Bravo, James Bravo

[bunniefuu]

Baby!

Sassy!

Studly.

Check the pecs. Hee! Ha! Huh!

Man, I'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me! Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Oh! Uh!

Yeah, whatever.

Hyah!

Aw, mama!

There's got to be

a faster way to get huge.

Hey, all you buff

bench-pressers,

why waste your time

sweating like bacon hogs

to harden a six-pack of abdominals

when you don't have to?

That's right! Ubermass helps

weightlifters gain body mass quick.

Ubermass--

I'm all "uber" it.

Huh! Hey, fella,

that uber stuff really work?

Of course it does.

It's been scientifically

tested by Dr. Floppy.

Ubermass gets

my seal of approval. Oy, boy.

That's cool.

So what's in the shake?

Oh, that's

a top-secret formula,

but if you promise to buy some,

I might be willing to tell you.

Well...

Ah, fiddlesticks.

I can't keep a secret from you.

It's a delicious fudge-flavored mix

of ingredients,

with a little

sprinkle of magic.

Is it

government-approved?

Well, it ought to be,

with such great chocolate taste.

Ok, mister, let me

get this straight.

If I drink Ubermass,

it'll make me huge?

See for yourself.

Hey, that's me. I'm pretty.

Where'd you get that?

Internet.

Now, this is you before Ubermass.

What about after?

[beep]

Holy guacamole!

And, Johnny,

look at this.

Whoa! All the pixilated

two-dimensional babes I want!

Mister, you got a deal.

I'll take a case.

Great! Now, remember, don't exceed

the recommended dosage.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, pal.

You're going to like being huge,

Johnny. Hee hee!

Yeah, I'll bet--

Hey, how'd you know

my name?

How do these people

know my name?

JOHNNY:

Let's see now.

One shake every evening,

and in six weeks,

I'll start to build up body mass.

Whoa! Six weeks?

Aw, mama.

I hate delayed gratification.

I got to get buff now.

[cat shrieks]

[glass breaks]

[glug glug glug]

[yawns]

Aw, mama!

What the...

Hey! The Ubermass--

it worked!

[water sloshing]

I'm an ocean of muscle,

ebbing and flowing on the tide

of studliness.

[groans]

Oh!

WOMAN:

Johnny!

What, mama?

[groaning]

Your oatmeal's

ready, boy!

Ok, mama.

Ooh!

[slurping]

Will you cut that out!

Johnny, you're huge!

MAMA:

What on Earth

happened, Johnny?

Ubermass, mama.

Turned me into

a buff-bodied stud.

Well, now, Johnny,

I don't want to be negative, but...

Well, you don't look

all that buff.

What are you

talking about?

Well,

you just look fat.

You're just jealous, mama.

No. Actually,

she's right, Johnny.

You're fat.

I'm huge!

That's all that matters.

Quick--give me something

heavy to lift.

What about

the washing machine?

All righty.

[glug glug glug]

[groaning]

Aw, man!

Maybe I do have

a couple of

extra stomach rolls.

Oh, now, Johnny,

this is ridiculous.

I mean, good heavens!

You've gotten house

all over the floor!

Dang! You're right.

I got to find a way

to lose weight fast.

You and 58% of America.

Mama, I'll be back.

I'm going to

Ubermass headquarters.

[groaning]

Ah, well, I'd better

get the squeegee.

Wait a second.

A 50 foot woman?

What a ridiculously

outlandish idea!

That's the movies

for you--totally fake.

Fake is right.

Yep. Doesn't get

any less real than giant people.

Giant people! Ha!

Just the thought is laughable.

Aah!

Aah!

Holy cow!

We're eating crow!

And the taste is

bitter indeed.

- Aah!

- Aah!

[people screaming]

Take it easy,

everybody.

Don't panic.

I'm just looking

for the Ubermass factory.

[siren]

Oh, baby!

I got to fix this fast.

I'm ticking a lot

of people off.

I can--whoa, mama!

Hey there,

foxy hygiene girl.

I love a babe

with minty breath.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, thanks, man.

God bless you.

[horn honking]

Sorry about that.

Ooh! Excuse me.

That's got to hurt.

Bingo!

So, I sold an entire

case of the stuff to this idiot.

Did you tell him

it was outlawed by the F.D.A.?

F.D.A.?

Is that the basketball thing?

No.

Oh.

Then I didn't tell him.

[pounding footsteps]

Whaaa!

Hey, you're that fellow

that sold me the Ubermass.

No. No.

He, uh...He died.

Hyah! Not so fast,

Uberman!

Whaaa!

All right, now,

Mr. Wizard,

my request is simple.

Either you give me the

antidote to this uber crud,

or I wring you

like a sponge.

Ok, ok, ok!

You win, fella.

This is--this is

hinter mass.

Now remember, follow

the recommended dosage,

and in six weeks,

you'll be back to normal.

Ah, there you go again with that

"six weeks" stuff.

Mister, I don't have

that kind of time.

Ah! Six weeks,

shmix weeks!

I knew everything

would turn out ok.

Ah!

Aw, man! I got to get

to the gym.

NARRATOR:

Ah, Saturday in Aron city--

a day of peace,

a day of relaxation, a day of--

[horn honks]

Quiet! I'm trying

to touch my inner self.

Thank you, young lady.

No, thank you!

One, please.

Coming right up.

What are you

doing, kid?

Hi, Johnny.

I'm selling lemonade

so I can buy my mommy a gift.

Ha ha! At a quarter

a glass?

What are you going

to buy her--gum?

Ahh! Here's a twenty.

Keep the change.

Thank you!

No, thank you!

Huh?

Excuse me, little girl.

Do you have change for a thousand?

Um, I think so.

Neato! Now I have

enough money

to send my mommy to Acapulco.

♪ La cucaracha,

la cucaracha ♪

♪ La ta la ta

la ta ta ♪

It's going to be the best

Mother's Day gift ever.

Mother's Day?

Sure. Mother's Day

is tomorrow.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, I can get mama those slippers

she's been

wanting to buy.

I just hope I have

enough money.

MOTH:

I'm free!

Free!

Aw, man!

And those slippers cost $25, too.

Where am I going

to get that kind of money?

Hey, Johnny, I have

some extra--

don't interrupt me, kid.

I got to make some cash.

Johnny, anybody

can make money.

You just have to figure out what your

best asset is and sell that.

My best asset.

My best asset!

All I got to do is kiss

one betty--

Ha!--

and I'm off to buy those slippers.

Hey, little mama,

one kiss--$25.

Ok, how about two kisses?

Hey there, little pop tart,

how'd you like me to plant a big wet

one on you?

Mmmm...Mwa!

Ha ha!

Or vice versa.

Only 25 bucks,

and I'm yours for the taking.

Hang on. I think

I have it in my purse.

Aah!

Did I mention

my money-back guarantee?

You'll never make

any money like that.

Oh, yeah? What does a kid like you

know about making money?

Little girl, that was the best glass of

lemonade I've ever had.

Thank you, sir.

In fact,

I liked it so much,

I'm prepared to give you a big sack of

money for your recipe.

Ok. Lemons, water,

and sugar.

Cool! I'm going to make

a money house.

Johnny, you should try

being a consultant.

A what...

Uh, consultant?

Yeah. Like when I told that guy how to

make lemonade.

So a consultant is a guy who tells

people what to do?

Well--

Hey, I can do that!

You should try

a little less rouge.

That'll be 25 bucks.

Oh!

Don't slouch.

That'll be 25 bucks.

Hey, thanks!

You know what

you should do with that money?

What?

Put it in the bank.

That'll be 25 bucks.

Hey, thanks.

I know I'm screwing

this up somewhere.

Say, mister, you know

if you worked out more,

you'd probably be able

to chop faster.

That'll be 25 bucks.

Tree k*ller.

Aw, man.

It's already 11:00,

and I still haven't

made a dime.

Johnny, America's built

on service industries.

You should try doing

odd jobs.

You're odd,

and you can do jobs.

You mean, get a job

to make money?

It's just a concept.

I guess I could

find a job.

That's the spirit.

[telephone rings]

Troubled teen hot line.

Your boyfriend left you?

So, uh, what are

you wearing?

What?

Uhh!

Uh, can I have that

cut in half?

Sure thing, mamasita.

Hee! Ha! Huh!

Uhh!

Battery tester?

Ha ha! How hard could that be?

Good.

Good.

Dud.

And that's the last

of the fire detectors.

[moo]

Did you make

any money, Johnny?

Ah, no luck, kid.

Little girl, we loved

your lemonade so much,

we'll give you

a big sack of money

to be the national spokesperson

for "Little Girl"

brand lemonade.

Ok.

We'll be here tomorrow

for your photo sh**t.

Johnny, you don't need

to get your mommy

an expensive gift

for Mother's Day.

Just tell her

you love her.

Yeah, like that

would work.

I'm supposed to just tell her

what a great mama she is,

that she makes every day better

because I know how she loves me.

I'm supposed to just tell

my mama

that I love her more

than life itself?

I mean, I love her

more than anything,

and I--I couldn't even get her a pair

of bunny slippers!

Oh, Johnny! Oh!

Aah!

Put me down, mama.

All a mother really

wants for Mother's Day

is to know her child

loves her.

Really?

Yes, indeedy, boy.

Love is

the perfect gift.

Oh, mama! That's going to

make shopping for you

this Christmas really cheap.

Hey, baby. Whoa!

Man, I hate

women drivers.

Hey there,

smart mama.

What are you doing?

Typing recipes?

Actually, I'm using

my link to the internet

to reposition

a military laser satellite.

Ooooh!

Oh!

I had this set

on "k*ll."

Ohh!

JOHNNY:

Oh, mama!

I love a chick

in a trench coat.

You never know what they

got under there.

[British accent]

Sir, you need to get

out of here.

You're

in grave danger.

I sure am,

sugar pop--

in danger

of falling in love.

Name's Bravo. Hyah!

Johnny Bravo.

And I'm Bonded--

Jane Bonded.

[alarm]

They're stealing the plutonium.

I'm going in.

Freeze, Pencil neck.

No tricks!

Oh, sure.

Just pick on the nerd,

just because he stole some plutonium

for his doomsday device.

JOHNNY:

Don't you worry, baby cakes.

I'll handle this one.

No, you fool!

Huh? Oooh!

[screaming]

MAN, BRITISH ACCENT:

Good lord!

Transform the helicopter

and bring her to headquarters.

Yes, sir.

You hit

the wrong button!

I can't read

these labels.

They're all

in Chinese.

JOHNNY:

So let me get this straight.

You guys are spies

on a secret mission?

Quite right,

Mr. Bravo, quite right.

You want

to frisk me?

Heee-ya!

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

W, I don't understand why this idiot

has to work with me.

Jane, secret agent code 14

clearly states--

"when an agent and co-star

stumble across a villain,

they must both see the case out

until its end."

Quite right, Jane.

JOHNNY:

All right!

I guess that makes me the object of

desire, huh, baby?

I hate the nineties.

W:

These are your weapons,

each of them designed to look like

a common everyday--

you are a good-looking

sack of man, brother. Ha!

You, there. Careful!

Now, pay attention.

This comb is a b*mb.

You comb your hair

once to activate it

and twice

to deactivate it.

Hee! Ha! Hee! Huh!

No!

JANE:

Phew!

Scared you,

didn't I?

Observe.

This compact is actually

a powerful laser,

and this spray bottle can spritz

anything from pepper gas

to neurotoxin

to a harmless hair spray.

[gagging]

Whoops!

Had it set for sarin gas.

Whoaahh!

Ohh!

Uhh!

Uh, let's go over

the other weapons later.

W-w-works f-f-for me.

W:

This is where we're heading--

The lair of Dr. Pencil neck.

Inside, he has this device--

the look-alike-alator.

The looka-whata-lota?

The like-

alot-alooter?

No. The lator-looter-liker.

I'm pretty sure he said

the lookalikae-delangalier.

It doesn't matter

what it's called.

It's what it does

that matters!

So, what does it do?

We don't know.

But we can be sure that it's

something terribly wicked.

BOTH:

Geronimo!

Excellent. Now, change

this plane into a helicopter

so we can watch from above.

Good show, pilot.

JANE:

This is going to take subtlety and

extreme stealth, Bravo,

so try not to screw up.

No problem.

JOHNNY:

But those men are going to have

to get out of our way.

Hey! You guys!

You think

you all can move or something?

We don't want to land

on your heads.

Perfect!

Why do I always pair up

with the dumb blonds?

Soon I will fire

my cellular look-alot-aliker.

The loogie-lift-alator?

No. The

lika-loogie-loidle.

All my life, people have

teased me

because I was small

and not pretty,

but when this w*apon

is fired,

it will make every man

and woman look the same--

Like me!

[imitating Jerry Lewis]

Lady!

Flavin.

Nobody will ever

be different.

Nobody will ever be more or less

special than anyone else.

We'll all be the same.

- Huh!

- Huh!

That's horrible!

But sadly, very

politically correct.

Mister, if you're going to fire that

doggie-lifta-legger,

at least let me look at myself one more

time before I go.

Oh, all right, but don't try

anything smart.

Don't worry.

[beeping]

Ha!

[beeping]

Here. Hold this.

You know, I'm really

going to miss me.

Hii..yah!

Don't move!

Hey, what's a guy got to do to get that

kind of attention?

We're ready

for pickup, W.

[bang]

There's our ride.

W:

Will somebody

please get me a pilot

who can read Chinese?

PENCIL NECK:

Oh, sure.

Jail the nerd

just because he wanted

to subjugate the world.

Mr. Bravo, we're going

to ask that you pretend

not to know anything

about us

or this agency.

Don't worry.

Your secret's safe with me,

but I'm going to need some kind

of reward for this--

A kiss from

the lovely agent Jane.

Now, see here!

We can't--

No problem, W.

I can handle

this one.

Mmmmm!

Hmm. That's odd.

You didn't use the red lipstick,

did you, Jane?

Yeah, but I had it set

for--malaria?

Feel...Faint.

Oh!

I have that effect

on women, you know.

W:

Quite.

Ha ha ha ha!