01x05 - I used To Be Funny / My Fair Dork / Twas The Night

[bunniefuu]

, , , hyah!

Baby!

Sassy.

Studly.

Ooh!

Check the pecs. Hee ha huh!

Man, I'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Ooh...Aah.

Yeah, whatever.

JOHNNY, VOICE-OVER:

It was a day like any other day.

I was standing on the corner

of Third and Main

waiting for Gabrielle,

my date for the afternoon.

[sniffs ]

Oh, {\i}y e a h.{\i}

VOICE-OVER:

It was a day just like any other day,

except for one thing:

I was sharing the street corner

with a clown.

Ah...Thank you.

Well, there's another

show in an hour.

Psst! Hey, buddy!

You want to hear

a joke?

[ clown laughing ]

Well, you see,

there was this elephant...

Dag-nab it!

Slippery lemon.

Don't grow them

like they used to.

[vroom ]

[tires squealing ]

I thought I told you

to get out of town!

This is {\i}m y{\i} turf,

old man.

Turf? I'll give you

turf, you helot!

Ooh...Making

threats, huh?

I think it's time

you retired.

Look, sonny,

I'm just trying

to make a few dollars, ok?

Uh...Do you have

a quarter?

Yeah...About ,

of them.

They're in a little

something I like to call...A {\i}b a n k!{\i}

Watch it, kid.

I used to be funny.

Yeah...

In the stone age.

I bet I could make you laugh,

you green-haired,

rosy-cheeked

pipsqueak!

Not a chance.

But, you know,

I bet I could make you laugh so hard

that it would short-circuit

your pacemaker.

I bet I could

make {\i}y o u{\i} laugh.

Excuse me, are you guys

a couple of clowns?

No. We're

fashion models.

I...Hate...Clowns!

I challenge you

to a joke-a-thon.

First clown to make

the other laugh...Wins.

We'll need a victim.

BOTH:

We can use him.

JOHNNY:

Yeah...

you're steamin',

baby.

You, too...

And you...

and you, pretty man.

Oh, man...Time flies

when you're having fun.

I got to get back

and wait for my date.

Ooh!

[ crash ]

See? A banana peel.

It's a great gag.

Banana peels are passe.

In the th century,

we use the domino principle.

Hey, what are you trying--whoa!

Ooh!

[whimpers ]

See? Multiple gags.

That's funny.

Too busy.

Hey, maybe a different pose

will make me

even more irresistible

than I already am.

Hyah!

Watch this.

[whistling ]

Ooh!

[snickering ]

What's the idea?

You were wearing this sign--

"Kick me." ha ha!

All right, then.

[whistling ]

Ooh!

- [laughing ]

- Hey!

You're still wearing

the sign. Ha ha ha!

Aw, come on, now.

{\i}That's{\i} comedy.

"Kick me" signs?

Here, watch this.

See? "I hate rhinos."

Buddy...You got

a problem with rhinos?

I mean, what are you--

some kind of rhinophobe?

I, uh...I really, um...Not...I...

I don't know.

Well, I do.

Ooh! Aah! Aah!

Jerk!

Did you see

the insulted rhino?

Now, you have to admit

{\i}that{\i} was funny.

[ moaning ]

There's no funny

in that.

Now...Observe.

Oomph!

Ooh!

One whole pie.

Impressive.

By the way,

I'm being sarcastic.

Watch this.

[ cocks g*n ]

[electronic beeping ]

How do I do

my funny?

Volume, volume,

volume.

Oh!

Unh!

Huh!

Sorry, mister,

but I can't afford to muss my hair.

Hey, no problem.

Ow!

Ha ha ha!

Face it, blond boy.

There's no escaping

the power of my funny.

Back there.

Thanks, pal.

Oh! Ohh!

Heh, hah, huh!

Oh! Aw, man...

I'm gonna be late.

Hyah!

Johnny Bravo,

you're late.

I may be late,

honey--huh!--

but I look good.

I'm funny.

No, {\i}I 'm{\i} funny.

Don't tell me that jazz.

I'm {\i}f un n y.{\i}

Don't tell {\i}me{\i} that jazz.

{\i}I 'm{\i} funny!

Why, you're nothing

but an egocentric,

selfish, idiotic...

Ooh!

Hyah! Oh, yeah...

I have this effect on all women.

No, {\i}I 'm{\i} funny!

Ooh...I just love

a man that can make me laugh.

You're both

so hysterical!

BOTH:

We are?

And you're both

covered in pie.

I just love a man

covered in pie.

In fact, why don't

you both take me out for pie!

[ kissing ]

- Ok.

- Ok.

But...

What about me?

Our plans...

Our date!

Clowns!

They just had

to be clowns.

Look...I'm a pie-covered

man in a box.

Hyah!

Ow.

Oh, yeah...

I feel better already.

Aah!

Yeah, whatever.

[sizzling ]

Huh! Hah!

Hi, Johnny.

Don't distract me, kid.

I don't want any of these ultraviolet

rays to miss me.

Well...I was just wondering if you'd be

my chaperone

for the second grade

dance on Friday.

Sorry, little Suzy.

Friday is my night for cruisin'.

I thought Wednesday was

your night for cruising.

Yeah. That, too.

Ooh...Huh!

Get lost, girlie.

I got to go sun my pecs.

Oh...

Pleeease, Johnny?

No!

Hey there, little lady.

Can I have a double-fudge whip

banana split

with a little bit of your lovin' to keep it

nice and cool?

As {\i}if.{\i}

How about if you just

give me the lovin'?

Unh!

Or...Maybe just

the banana split.

Aw, she wasn't

your type, anyway.

Ok, now I've had

about all I can stand.

What'll it take

to get you to leave me alone?

Be my chaperone

for the dance.

JOHNNY:

Man, oh, man...

Why don't you ask somebody

your own size?

[ blowing nose]

I'm your size.

I'm your age.

I'm your guy!

Ooh...Gross!

Now, listen here,

Skippy.

How'd you like to be cool enough to

take Suzy to the dance?

Wow!

Yes, sir, I would!

I would, indeed!

I can teach you,

but you got to want it.

Do you want it?!

Yes, sir!

Pipe down, kid.

I'm standing right here.

Son...

this is hair gel.

Treat it with respect,

and it'll be good to you.

Treat it with carelessness,

and it'll strike back!

How?

Don't ask questions,

kid.

Ok, Skippy-san...

I'm gonna teach you

the old and sacred art

of the squirt slide

stance.

The {\i}w h a t,{\i} sir?

Squirt--huh!

Slide--ho!

Stance--huh!

Now you try it, kid.

Um...

Squirt--aah!

Slide--aah!

Stance--ooh!

Yeah...All right!

Um...We'll build

on that.

All right, kid...

Chicks love a buff bod,

so here's what

you got to do.

Ooh...

ooh...

Hoo! Hyah!

Ok, kid...

Now let me see you do of those.

[grunting ]

- Aah!

- Aah!

Ok...Let's work on something else,

all right?

Hey, you're

looking sharp, kid.

I think we're

making progress.

Now...We're gonna work

on cool body language.

Do this--

Hah! Huh! Hah!

Huh! Huh! Hah!

Aaah! Ooh!

Oh, wish on

the bald man, honey!

I want a pony.

[gasps ]

Yay!

I want

a husband!

Ohh...

Hmm. Whatever.

Now what, sir?

Now we mold your

lame little brain into a Bravo brain.

[laughing ]

That tickles.

Ok, kid...

there's the prey.

Make me proud.

Mind if I court you?

"Court you"?

What's the matter with you, kid?

You sound like

you're trying

to pick up

the Little Rascals or something.

I like

the Little Rascals!

I bet you do, Spanky.

Now watch closely, kid.

I am gonna show you

the Bravo way to bag a babe.

Take notes if you want.

Hey there, cutie-pants.

You want to hang

with a manly man?

I'll let you feel my muscles. Huh!

Only a dime a minute.

Now, that's a bargain.

Why, yes, it is.

And you're a pig.

Ohh...

Huh! Ooh! Aah...

[ chain saw buzzing ]

Hoo!

Whoa!

Duh!

Golly! That looks

like it hurts, sir.

Yes, indeed!

Yeah, well...

That's life, kid.

See, you got to take

the impacts of the fallen trees

with the good.

All right, kid...

see what that

bikini's wearing?

Hello! Now go for it.

B-b-but...

I can't, sir.

I just don't have

what it takes!

Man, what could

I have missed?

You should be

a chick-nettin' machine by now.

I don't under--

wait a minute.

Of course!

Put these on, kid.

SKIPPY:

Wow!

Holy mamas!

Look at all the babies

just waitin' to be bagged!

I think we are ready,

little Freddy!

[slurping soda]

All righty, kid,

there's little Suzy.

Now, remember what

you been taught.

Hah! Hey there,

little mama.

Want to go steppin'

with me at the dance tonight?

Johnny, what

happened to you?

You've gotten

shorter.

I'm not shorter,

I'm just really far away.

Well, who cares?

Sure, I'll go to the dance with you.

Oh, my gosh!

I have to pick out something to wear.

[ humming happily]

Way to go, kid!

Handled like

a true Bravo trainee.

Aw, that wasn't

so tough.

I just...

Hubba-hubba!

[snaps fingers ]

Now, wait a second!

Oh, Johnny,

we're gonna have the best time!

Mmm!

Oh...Mama.

[whip cracking ]

MAN:

Remember, kids...

When taming a lion,

always make sure you never

turn your back on them.

That's right, kids,

because--hoo!

[ chomp]

[ burps ]

[ crowd cheering ]

JOHNNY:

And, uh...

That's one to grow on.

[echoing ]

Hey...

Echo!

NARRATOR:

'Twas the night

before Christmas,

and all through Aron city

not a creature was stirring...

except Johnny.

Man, I'm pretty.

[ rumbling ]

NARRATOR:

Mama was sleeping.

You can tell by the snoring.

After times today,

Jimmy Stewart gets boring.

[snoring ]

[snoring ceases ]

[quieter snoring resumes ]

NARRATOR:

Johnny crept quietly--

to bed's where he rushed.

He would try to fall asleep now,

while the whole town was hushed.

[ hoofbeats on roof]

NARRATOR:

What's that?!

Johnny cried.

That's too loud

for a mouse. Hyah! Hah!

Hyah!

I was right--

there's a crook on my house!

NARRATOR:

A bag to steal goodies,

a fake beard...How passe.

And just look, near the gutter--

It's his getaway sleigh!

And without second thought

and with nary a pause,

Johnny Bravo

mistakenly clocked...

Santa Claus.

Uh-oh.

NARRATOR:

Santa knew John was good,

though as smart as a gnat.

He was protecting his mama.

Santa couldn't fault that.

Johnny, I'm angry--

of that,

there's no doubt.

It's Christmas Eve,

pinhead, and Santa's now out.

See, Johnny?

My arm's broke.

My bag

I can't lift.

It's now up to you

to give each kid a gift.

Me...Doing your job?

How much does it pay?

Do I get to meet chicks?

Can I cruise in the sleigh?

It's something you'll do for all

good kids in bed.

Now get in my outfit,

or I'll bust your fat head!

NARRATOR:

Santa's red coat

is what Johnny would wear...

and Santa's red hat

took the shape of John's hair.

So Johnny jumped on the sleigh

and flew through the night,

but he never got any

of the reindeers' names right.

JOHNNY:

On, Yeltsin!

On, Nixon!

On, Stinky!

On, Rose! On--

Hey, where's that freak

with the big glowin' nose?

You heard the Grinch--

do not let that reindeer escape!

[ plugged nose]

I got to get to Santa!

[laser fire]

NARRATOR:

So Johnny endeavored

at Santa's request...

to give each good one listed

the gift they loved best.

NARRATOR:

To the Mayor of Aron city,

a new pair of shorts...

so he's wearing clean undies

when he romps and cavorts.

You promised me

no more cavorting!

Ooh!

NARRATOR:

Little Suzy fell asleep

waiting for old St. Nick.

Johnny spied out the cookies

and ate them quite quick.

[glass shatters ]

NARRATOR:

And he had to admit

as he saw Suzy napping...

Hey, that kid's kind of cute...

When her mouth isn't flapping.

[sleigh bells ringing ]

NARRATOR:

Jungle boy

got a new loin cloth,

the Gorilla girls...

Mary Klay.

[girls giggling ]

NARRATOR:

And a big lump of coal

for the evil King Ray.

Sorry, Magilla--

just following orders.

[ticking ]

[snoring ]

NARRATOR:

For Chronos the bear,

who's precise in his timing,

a clock so specific

even {\i}he{\i} won't be whining.

[snoring continues ]

[alarm bell ringing ]

[ roar]

NARRATOR:

And Scooby-dooby-doo

didn't get Scooby snacks.

Santa's gift was more useful.

SCOOBY:

Reech rerapy?

Thanks!

Scooby-doo!

NARRATOR:

Johnny circled the globe

in the span of one evening...

Trying to match rightly

the gifts he was leaving.

From Asia...

to England,

Guatemala...

to Dunkirk.

How does Santa

stay fat, man?

This gig is

hard work!

NARRATOR:

At the end of the list

with but one gift to deliver,

Johnny realized something

that just made him shiver.

Aw, man, did I blow it!

What a dumb thing to do!

I gave mama's gift to the wrong

person, but the question is who?

You're cavorting

with some woman named Bunny!

Admit it!

Sweetie, I--

[sleigh bells ringing ]

NARRATOR:

Knowing no present

would make mama miffed,

Johnny expected the worst,

but heard--

MAMA:

What a great gift!

The gift says,

"from Santa," but I know very well

this big ring's

from John-John,

and it's

real diamondelle!

[laughing ]

NARRATOR:

And there in the corner

in red and green wrapping

was a present from Santa

despite Johnny attacking.

Two gifts for Johnny?

Will wonders not cease?

He got two boxing gloves

and a brand-new mouthpiece.

But attached was a note

that filled Johnny with fear...

Merry Christmas,

you pinhead.

Round two is

next year.