02x19 - A Very Villain Christmas

Episode transcripts for the show, "The Villains of Valley View". Aired: June 3, 2022 - present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

Vic and Eva have three children named Amy, Jake and Colby and were part of a villain group called the League of Villains that was led by the evil Onyx.
Post Reply

02x19 - A Very Villain Christmas

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh. Hey, there.

Happy Holidays.

I was just looking at some old photos.

Did I ever tell you about the Maddens'

first Christmas in Valley View?

It was definitely one I'll never forget.

-[shutter clicks]

It's the day before Christmas.

My favorite day of the year.

Wow, that is a lot of excitement

for a fat guy coming down a chimney.

Hey, guys.

Here it is!

Our first family Christmas tree.

We cut it down ourselves.

We? I cut it down.

And I told you to do it.
That's teamwork, Jake.

Isn't this great?

The smell of the trees,
the cookies in the oven.

And everyone's just a little bit
nicer to each other.

Did you just chop down my tree?

Never mind the halls.
I'm about to deck you in the--

Ah-ah, Grandma!

It's the holidays.

Remember what
your anger management coach said.

Show some compassion.

And try to keep it together
until your next appointment.


Since I gave you a tree,

you're about to help me finish
my Christmas to-do list.

The shopping, the wrapping,
the decorating.

You haven't done any of it?

Nah. From Thanksgiving on,

I just sit in a chair

waiting for the cold in the air

to match the cold in my heart.

Well, Colby will be happy to help.

Me? Why me?

Because you seemed like
you'd be the least happy to help.

Come on, elf boy.

Time to clock you in to Celia's workshop.

You're gonna look great in green tights.

She's kidding about the tights, right?

It's the pointy shoes
you should be worried about.


did you get the number one thing
on both of our Christmas lists?

I mean, it is the first time
we're exchanging gifts

on the biggest holiday of the year.

But no pressure.

We asked for Bumps.

You know, those cool headphones
that sound amazing

and double as a w*apon
when you throw them like a boomerang?

Those are the hottest gift this year.

They're almost impossible to find.

But remember,
Christmas isn't just about the presents.

Of course not.

But fair warning,
me getting those headphones

will determine whether or not
you have a happy New Year.

Oh, Amy, let them enjoy their New Year.

It's the rest of the year
they should be worried about.

Can you believe them?

Like we wouldn't get the top thing
on their lists.

[laughs] Seriously.

I didn't buy them, did you?

I didn't know there was a list!

[theme music playing]

[rock theme plays]

Oh, if you want to know
what you're getting, just ask me.

I already opened all your gifts
and rewrapped them again.


-I opened all of hers too.

I had to make sure her gifts
weren't better than mine.

And they're not.

Hope you like a sweater that says:

"Sleigh it ain't so."

I can't believe you two.

All you care about are the presents.

That is not what Christmas is about.

Hmm, yeah. I think the bigger problem is,

I opened all those gifts
and I didn't see one pair of Bumps.

Neither did I. It's almost Christmas.

What if they didn't get them?
I'm losing my mind, Amy!

I'm losing my mind!

How do you think I feel?

I was counting on those to tune you out.

This gift-wrapping thing is hard work.

Next year, everyone's getting
their presents in grocery bags.

Two more gifts for under the tree.

One for Amy, one for Jake.

-I can't wait any longer.


What's this?

Your number one gift.

No. We wanted Bumps. These are Zumps.

Bumps, Zumps, what's the difference?

Oh, about a hundred dollars,
since you left the price tag on.

These are knockoffs.

Look, we tried every store in Valley View,

and they're all sold out, sorry.

We hate to drop bad news and leave,

but we also hate
to drop bad news and stay.

Time for Plan B.

Buying them ourselves
and reminding Mom and Dad

they're horrible parents.


Valley View might not have any,

but someplace in Texas has to have a pair.

To the Internet!

You two are a lost cause.

Oh, yes!

Okay, this says a store
a few towns over has one pair left.

But we need two pairs.

Oh. Right.

Amy, get back here!


Yes, could you put your last pair of Bumps

on hold for me, please?

Ma'am, it's Christmas.
That type of language is uncalled for.

Look at those suckers.

Putting in all that work
decorating their houses

for the holidays just to take it down
two weeks later.

On the plus side, I do enjoy seeing

the occasional middle-aged man
fall off a roof.

Seasons greetings, Maddens.

Yikes! Your house looks like

where holiday cheer goes to die.

Nope, still depressing.

I guess the glasses weren't the problem.

I beg to differ.

Where are all your decorations?

Not really our thing.

Well, you two Scrooges are missing out.

Every Christmas Eve,

the best-decorated house
in the neighborhood

wins the grand prize.

And suddenly, it is our thing.

Well, you're a little late.

The judging starts in a few hours.

This year,
I've got an inflatable snow woman

and I dressed her up as Jennifer Lopez.

I call her J-Snow.


Get this, she dances
as she throws snowballs

at unsuspecting people passing by.

Pfft. That's not that impressive.


Okay, that's impressive.

And that's why I always win.

[dog yelps]

Oh, dear.

J-Snow just took out
Mrs. Stodemeyer's Yorkie.

Well, that'll teach him
to turn my snow yellow.


Time to make this house
look like Christmas

threw up all over it.

I want to beat him too,

but there's barely any time to decorate.

Plus, you know, manual labor.


We'll just use our powers.

You can amp up the lights to be
the brightest on the block,

and we'll get Colby to do the rest,

because why have kids
if not gonna make 'em

do our dirty work?

I don't know, it still seems
like a lot of effort.


Okay, now I'm in.


There you are.

You've barely made a dent
in my Christmas to-do list.

I need a break.

I've spent my entire day
wrapping your presents,

decorating your tree.

I mean, I even replaced
the transmission in your car.

Look, I really am grateful for your help.

I even brought you this gift
to show my appreciation.

What is it?

It's a Christmas Troll in a Bowl.

He keeps an eye on you
to make sure you behave,

or you won't get any presents
on Christmas morning.

Yeah, right. I'm not a little kid, Celia.

That's not gonna work.

Wait, did that thing just wink at me?

I don't know. Did he?

I sure wish I had some help
with my Christmas to-do list.

Uh, y-you know what?

Turns out I have more energy
than I thought.

Good, 'cause I have
a longer list than I thought.

Bumps! I need the Bumps!

I need them more. I'll do anything.

I'll wash your car. I'll clean your house.

Don't have a house? I'll build you one.

Sorry, you're out of luck.
Just sold the last pair.

To who?

Whoever it is, we can take 'em.

To her.

Happy Holidays!


I don't suppose
security could walk me out?

Hartley, what are you doing?

You know I wanted those headphones.

Well, how do you know
I wasn't buying them for you?

-Were you?
-No way.

These babies are all mine.

I'm sorry, but I wanted them too.

And when I found out
there was only one pair left,

I had to get them.

Well, it's official.

My first Christmas is ruined.

Ha! You didn't get them.

Neither did you.

You don't have to rub it in.

I can't believe you bought all this stuff.

Why would I buy it
when it's sitting on people's houses,

ripe for the taking?

Hey, Colby, give us a hand
with these Christmas decorations.

Sorry, I'm already helping Celia.

But we're trying to create joy
for the sake of greed.

And a good son would help us first.

But I...

am happy to help.

-What do you need?
-Start by untangling these.

You know, a good son would stop there,

but a great son
will go hang these for you.

Guilt-trips are the secret
to good parenting.

[Eva] Ha-ha!

Well, that looks great, Colbs.

Okay, now use your kinetic manipulation

to put that dog with the inflamed nose

on top of the roof.

That's a reindeer.

I don't care what it is. It needs to fly.

Ho, ho, ho!

Yikes. What's this?

You look like the world's
most dysfunctional nativity scene.

How is that reindeer floating in mid-air?

[stammers] Oh, um...

We don't share secrets
with our competition.


Looks like he's played
his last reindeer game.

Mr. Tennyson, we're trying to work here.

Well, you're wasting your time.

The judges will be here
in a couple of hours.

But it'll be fun to watch you fail.

What's your "at"? I'll tag you.

Excuse us.

How are we gonna decorate fast
with him around?

We can't use our powers.

A fake wreath?


I didn't know you were those people.

I got this.

-[loud pop, air hissing]
-[Eva gasps]

Oh, no, it looks like J-Snow is deflating.

I mean, you'd better hurry.
She's blowing away.

J-Snow, wait!

You know, maybe these knockoffs
are as good as the real thing.

All I hear is crackling.

Yeah, I could use a snack too.

Oh, look, it's the Ghost
of Stole My Christmas Present.

[sighs] I just wanted to say it was wrong

to get the headphones
when I knew you both wanted them.

So, in the spirit of Christmas,
I returned them.

Maybe now we can move past all this

and enjoy your first Christmas
here together.

Wow. I can't believe you did that for us.

Yeah, what a great friend.

Just trying to spread
some Christmas cheer.

Heh. See you later.

Wait, so if Hartley returned
the headphones,

then that means there's one pair left.

Your work ethic has really improved.

You didn't complain once

about having to cook
my Christmas Eve pot roast.

The pot roast was easy.

It was stuffing it inside
the turkey that almost broke me.

Wait, how'd the troll get over here?

It keeps moving.

Oh, he gets around.

That's how he keeps an eye on you.

And for the really naughty ones,

that's how he takes matters
into his own little tiny troll hands.

[groans loudly]

Hey, I forgot to add
a few minor home repairs

to my to-do list.

How are you at soundproofing a basement?

Ah! I can't take this any--

I mean...

Be right over.

Hey, Colby.

How did my Troll in a Bowl get over here?

Your grandma gave it to me as a gift.

She said being nice
is the only way I'll get presents.

He's been spying on me all day.

He's everywhere.

Colby, it's just a doll. It doesn't move.

And it's definitely not watching you.

But he is creepy,
so I am gonna turn him around.

Well, if it's just a doll,

then how do you explain it
winking and nodding

in response to what I said?

My grandma uses a remote
to make it do all that stuff.

She can also make it dispense peppermints

from a very unexpected place.

I can't believe you fell for that.

How was I supposed to know?

I've never celebrated Christmas before.

None of it makes sense. Eggnog? Mistletoe?

It's insanity.

My grandma used the troll
to trick you into being good.

She's been doing it to me
since I was four.

Wait, is that why I'm such a good person?

She totally used that thing
to sucker me into doing

whatever she wanted.

Well, now it's my turn to get even.

[candies rattling]

Wow, you were not kidding
about those peppermints.

No. They're already closed.

I can't believe we missed out
on the last pair of Bumps

by ten minutes.

Told you barreling through
all those carolers

wasn't gonna save you any time.

It wasn't meant to.

Let's just hope that they're
still here in a couple days.

No way. The whole point of Christmas

is to have your gift on Christmas Day.

Look, I want 'em too,
but there's nothing we can do.

I'm going home.

Oh, there's definitely
something I can do. Heh.

Who needs a chimney?


[rock theme plays]

-I'll take those.

How did you even get in here?

While you were doing things
the complicated way,

I took the simple route
and used my super strength

to rip the back door off its hinges.

Which got really complicated
once I tried to repair it.

-What are you doing?
-Checking for security cameras.

[scoffs] Already disabled 'em.

Oh, good.

Then no one will see me do this.


Got 'em.

Not so fast.


Thank you. That's what I call
express shipping.

Uh, cleanup, aisle loser.

Don't move!

Good news, Jake. They're yours.

That's right!
Gaze upon the dazzling display

of your new champion.

You may applaud now.


What is going on here?

How did you pull off
this grand display so fast?

Heh. Tell us how

J-Snow's wig stays attached,
then maybe we'll talk.

Oh, great.

The judges are only
a couple of houses away.

I can't believe the most pedestrian house

in the neighborhood
is gonna win grand prize!

Aw, looks like
your winning streak is over.

[both cackle evilly]

It's probably for the best.

I've had a very long day
and I'm not TV ready.

TV ready?


The winner's gonna be interviewed

live on the six o'clock news.

Wait, that's the grand prize?

What'd you think it was, cash?

Not in this podunk town, honey.

Wait, so we're gonna be on TV
in front of our house,

and everyone will know where we live?

This definitely isn't good

for our whole villains-in-hiding thing.

[whispers] The judges are here!

Oh, no!

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

You overloaded your fuse box.

That's why I always start
decorating in August...


...so I have plenty of time

to reroute the electricity

from Mrs. Stodemeyer's house to mine.

Let's ho-ho-go check out my display.


Are we sure he's not a villain?

Closest thing I've ever seen to one.


Where are you?

I need my bedroom painted.

And it's too cold to crack a window,

so you're gonna have to fight
through the fumes.

[troll] Leave the kid alone!


Who said that?

I did.

But you can't talk.

Oh, I can do lots of things.

Like spy on you when you're being bad.

Me? I'm not bad.

You used me to intimidate the neighbor boy

into finishing your entire
Christmas to-do list

on Christmas Eve.

Okay, I'm bad.

But-- But I'll be better.

I don't believe you.

Yeah, I don't believe me either.

There's only one way to fix this:

Buy each of the Maddens a Christmas gift.

I already did.

-No, I'm lying again.

Do it now, or I will never
take my eyes off of you.

Okay, okay, I'm going.
Just leave me alone!

[door closes]

She's gone.

I normally don't like fooling my grandma,

but she's been using that troll
to traumatize me for years.

Hey, where's the real troll?

-Oh, I threw it away.

I'm finally free!
Time for Hartley to let loose.

That may have been an overcorrection.

Please, sir, I am begging you,
do not call the police.

But if you do, her name is Amy.
Amy Madden.

And my name is Colby.

We're sorry. This was all
a stupid act of desperation

that just got out of hand.

[chuckles] That's how I started
my wedding vows.

Look, we were just being selfish
because we really wanted those headphones.

You see, our friend got the last pair,

but then she returned them because--

If you couldn't have 'em,

she didn't think it was fair

for her to have 'em either.

She told me the whole story.

That girl can talk.

But you're lucky.

Friends like her are hard to find.


And all we did
was make her less of a priority

than a pair of headphones. Heh.

Just remember, presents come and go,

but it's the people in your life,

the ones you love and who love you back,

that really matter.

Especially at Christmas.

Hartley's been saying that all day,

but neither of us listened to her.

Now we're going to jail!

We're not going to jail.

Are we?

Well, technically
you didn't steal anything yet.

And it is Christmas Eve.

So how about this:

You two clean up the mess you made,

then go home to your family.

Where you belong.

Thank you.

Consider it a gift.

Now it's your turn to pay it forward.

And who knows, you might just realize

it actually feels better
to give than to receive.

[laughs] Okay, let's not get crazy.

You heard him, Colby. Clean this up.

Merry Christmas, Maddens!

Do I smell French toast?

And bacon and eggs.

I made you all a big holiday breakfast.

Wait, you did something nice for us?

Oh, I don't like this at all.

Let's just say I had a bowl
of Christmas spirit

dumped on my head.

Okay, enough talking.
It's time for presents.

Oh, here, Hartley. Open yours first.

"To Hartley, from Jake and Amy." Heh.

[gasps] Sweet Santa on a rooftop!

You got me Bumps?

We realized you were right.

Christmas is about showing
the people you love

how much they mean to you.

But how'd you get them?

You know what? I don't need to know.

Merry Christmas, Hartley.

Just a heads-up,
we'll be borrowing them all the time.

Like right now.

Here you go, kids.

[Colby] Yes!

A Troll in a Bowl?

Isn't he cute?

He's gonna watch you.

Don't even think
about re-gifting that to me.

Look, I know you couldn't
get our top choice,

but any gift at all will be--

Yes! Bumps!

Oh! Thank you for not making me pretend

to like something I didn't want.

But I thought you couldn't find 'em.

We lied so it'd be a surprise.

Because lying
is what Christmas is all about.

Right, Hartley?

Yeah, sure, I give up.

I got you all gifts too.

You don't say.

Breakfast and presents?

Call a doctor.

Now, what did you get me?

Merry Christmas, Celia.

And that was the Maddens' first Christmas
in Valley View.

It was also when I received
the best gift ever,

because it was given
with the true spirit of Christmas. Heh.

Happy Holidays, everyone!
Post Reply