01x05 - Heroine Addict

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Oblongs". Aired: August 25 – October 20, 2002.*
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Series focuses on the antics of a family who live in a poor valley community.
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01x05 - Heroine Addict

Post by bunniefuu »

Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs We now return to Velva, The Warrior.

Your orbs of ecstasy are mine, all mine.

Even Velva can't save you now.

We must rescue Majora from the evil Testiclees.

l can ride my horse, Fallopius.

Or take my boat, The Cervix.

But we don't know if she's being held in Scrotor's castle or the Vast Deferens forest.

lt's a good thing we have these action figures to help plan our rescue.

Yes, they make excellent gifts for Christmas, Hanukkah or as a substitute for love.

l'll save you, Majora.

Velva is a baby game.

l'm gonna go drain the brake fluid out of the car.

Come on, Beth.

This is our morning for the farmer's market.

You know, l sample the hard ciders while you dance for nickels.

No, l have to get to Majora.

Help me, Mommy.


Let's k*ll Majora.

You're not committing.

l'm not buying it.

Sorry, baby.

l'm on day two of a three
-day hangover.

Forget it.

l'll play with the cat.

-Bob, can we talk?
-Sure thing.

Let me just change this bulb.

Okay, sugar.

l'm all ears.


Little dizzy there.

-All Beth cares about is that stupid Velva.

-Are you worried she'll become a lesbian? Let's just try to put this out of our minds.

l know.

Let's go to the mall.

Fallopius, to the cave! That's odd.

l just topped off the brake fluid.

Hey, that chick's giving us the eye.

-Hey, baby.

-Want to make a baby? Leave the mannequin alone.

A framed photo of the family with novelty backdrop.

They can put us in front of the Great Wall of China on a gondola in Venice or at the flaming gates of hell.

Hell! l hope l don't get sued for this.


Gotta pee.


Gotta pee.

Look, they've got the entire land of Velva.

Mommy, Daddy, l want the Velva doll.

-You have to buy the whole set.

-No can do.

See, l'm what you'd call a low earner.

l'm sorry, baby.

l'd like to but we just splurged on that jumbo pack of two
-ply toilet paper.

That extra ply really gives you something to grip between your teeth.

l wish Velva was my mommy.

-Beth, wait!
-No, let her go.

Honey, she's leaving with those gypsies.

l feel like l'm losing my baby girl.

lf l could get her that stupid Velva doll then maybe she'd start liking me again.

That Velva's very popular.

My "Tuesday Nights with Velva" really packs them in.

We all do a shot every time someone says, "Slash at his groin.

" What's this? "Win a five
-minute all
-grab shopping spree at your local mall.

" Hey, if you win, that would give you a chance to get that doll.

With time left over to grab a heated wig stand at Hammacher Schlemmer.

Nothing worse than putting on an icy
-cold wig.

Don't l know it, sister.

Okay, l've gotta be smoking constantly.

l'm gonna win even if l have to inhale
-through a hole in my neck.

-That's my girl.

Can't you just open them and look for the winner? You have to smoke to the filter to see if you've won.

They wanna make sure you actually suck the stuff into your lungs.

Clever rascals.


Mom, that's not even the right brand.

Hey, l'm taking a smoke break.

Smoke, smoke, smoke! l can't take another drag.

You have to while there's a break in the hemorrhaging.

-My God, you did it.

-You got the shopping spree! Beth, honey, l'm gonna get you that doll.

l'm in flavor country.

Hi there.

John Litvack, assistant VP promotions for Le Smoke.

Here you go, kids.


Excuse me, sir, but we're impressionable minors.


They're great after a session of heavy petting.

-Got anything l can dip, chew and spit?
-Yes, yes and yes.

Okay, sweetie, it's a big mall.

So pace yourself by doing that gay race
-walking thing.

You watch, Bob.

l'm gonna get that toy truck.

lt's a doll, Pickles.

You want the doll.

Take your mark, Mrs.


Get set, shop! Go, Mommy, go! Did you get my doll? l guess that means no.


l let my baby down.

lt's all because of these damn cigarettes.

That's it.

l'm quitting.

She didn't mean it, folks.

Cigarettes don't k*ll people.

Cancer does.

But cigarettes cause cancer.

Nobody move.

Wow, someone's up early.

And arranging daffodils.

Your cigarette withdrawal seems to be going swimmingly.

-Oh, God, l'm sorry.

-No, no, l understand.

lt's only expected that you have irrationally violent moments like that.

l'm sorry, but you were asking for it that time.

You don't know how hard this is.

l've lost my best friend.

Pickles, l thought l was your best friend.

Yeah, that's sweet.

And what the hell am l supposed to do with my smoking hand? Please, just don't hit me with it.

Pickles, what are you doing? Suddenly, all my senses are back.

l just discovered that everything has a smell, and l don't like it.

-Did you know vomit tastes bad?
-Yes, l've heard rumors to that effect.

Oh, God.

l smell feet! And lots of them.

She's scaring me.

-Me too.


l have a hammer, and l'll use it.

Oh, my God.

l think l can smell Grammy decaying.

l'll go mask it with lavender water.

Forget it.

l gotta get away from this stink.

l'll be at The Rusty Bucket.

-Wait a minute.

Now l smell something.


She frightened me.

l'm proud of you, girlfriend.

You're breaking free of the chains of addiction.

Casting off the
-Pickles, you're lighting your finger on fire.

-Oh, for crying out loud.

Look at that.

That was a perfectly good finger.

All right, l gotta quit the booze too.

No! l mean, why? Smoking and drinking go together.

Like porn and nachos.

The money you've spent here has paid for the first half of a very expensive operation.

-What operation?


This is gonna keep your mind off smoking and drinking.

Did l tell you Willy's big, black and quite the inspirational leader?
-A hundred times, Bob.

-There he is.

He's a good friend.

Yo, Willy, what's up? What the hell is that? Hey, you're in my flexing radius.

Now you're in my cardio zone.

Hey, this is fun.

-Hold it.

-l'm sorry, Willy.

-Please don't call the police.

-No, no, this woman's got some potential.

Why don't you take her to the boxing gym? Take that, bitch.

Damn, she's scary.

She belongs in the cellar.

Okay, scumbags, we got your girl
-guy bare
-knuckle brawling.

Get your bets in.

Say good night, pal.

You were supposed to fight that guy.

This here is the simple kid who fills the soda machine.

Pickles, maybe it's time for us to go.

l can't, Bob.

Don't you see what's happening? No, but l do admit l'm curious to see how this is going to play out in the bedroom.

lt's the first time in a week l haven't wanted a cigarette or a drink.

-Who's next?
-Sweetie, Brandi's intermediate Pilates starts in five minutes.

There'll be kiwi juice.

Come on.

You, you and you, let's go.

What have you done with Majora? Tell me! You will find her at the base of the shaft.

l've never been near a shaft.

lf only l had a map or some manner of guidebook.

Velva, the very guidebook you request.

Yes, it's called All Things Velva.

And l'll be signing it this weekend at: Hill Valley Mall.

Give me it! Locar the Atrocious says go away.

But l want to watch Neil Simon's California Suite.

-There's only one way to solve this.

-Right, into the naughty corner.

-Nope, a knockdown
-dragout fight.

-Say what now? To offset the size difference, Beth, you can use a sock full of quarters.

Darling, don't you think you're taking this fighting thing too far? Oh, l got you.

You're threatened because l'm a strong woman, aren't you? Male chauvinist pig.

You're like that awful Bobby Riggs.

Oh, good lord.

Let the man rest in peace.

Got anything that hasn't been slaughtered yet? l like to look my meat in the eye before l eat it.

All our stuff comes dead.

They never let me k*ll nothing.

Look at all the naked cows.

Hold this one steady, baby.

l'm getting cold and bloody.

All right, stick them up.

Put 20 pounds of veal cutlets into a sack, quick

You want those breaded? l make my own breading.

Lady, you just bought that ham.

Mommy, you're a hero! Just like Velva.

l just did what l thought was right, and l wasn't ashamed to do it with sausage.

"Shame and sausage.

" l bet you can't say that three times fast.

Boy, do you have a hall pass? Now l want to open the floor to a little Q and A.

This is a public school.

They don't understand letters.


Oblong, l want to thump some ass too.

But will that make me any less of a woman? No, but scratching your butt with a salad fork will.

l learned that the hard way.

What happened to those meaty, meaty sausages?


-Hey, Ob
-dong's mother, you're a weirdo.

ls there a question from that bully
-boots Jared Klimer and his little sister Blaine? You shut up, Mrs.


You think you're so big.

l don't think.

l know.

Oh, yeah? lf you're so tough l guess you'd have no problem trying to street luge.

My mommy can do anything, and you're a stinker.

Thank you, sweetie.



Pickles, please don't do this.

You could get hurt.

Mommy's like Velva.

-Except Mommy's boobies hang down, and
-Thank you, sweetie.

Thank you.


Oblong, on behalf of the entire clubhouse l'd like to present you with this official good
-luck scarf.

-Wow, this smells a little gamy.

-We made it out of my gym romper.

Now all you gotta do is lay on the skateboard and ride it down the hill.

How do l know if l've won?
-lf you live, you win.

-Here goes nothing.

-Yeah, Mom!
-Yeah! All right!
-Got any spare change?
-Get a job.

-Pickles! l guess l win.

Pickles, you scared the noodles out of me.

My noodles too.

Don't ever do that again.

You're right.

You'd have to be crazy to do something like that.

l'm just glad it's over.

Honey? l'll meet you at home.

We're gonna die! We're gonna die! Less whining, more wheelies.

Thank you for agreeing to meet me in the back yard.

What l have to say is not front
-yard talk.

The fact is, you've replaced your previous addictions with thrill

Oh, Bob, it's not an addiction.

lt's just an overwhelming need that controls my life.

That's a rattlesnake! l've timed this so l only have 1 5 minutes to get to the pharmacy for the antivenom.

-Son of a
-Would you be a love and help me to the car? l'm paralyzed.

Oh, lordy.

Kids, start the car.

Hey, Bob, do me a favor and throw some glass in my eyes! Want a banana? Too slow.

Your behavior has gotten us banned from the zoo for life.

And you know how l like to ride the tortoise.

-What's all this?
-We're base jumpers, dude.

We jump off stuff.

Buildings, antennae, spans and something that starts with E.

Base jumping, huh? l'm cheating death! No, l'm not.

Dibs on his chute.

Hey, Mom, wanna play some Russian roulette?
-How many b*ll*ts?
-One in every chamber.

l'm in.

l'm sorry for the deception, but ding
-dang it, this is an intervention.

Milo, be a dear and sh**t Mommy in the head.

Dad will get mad.

l had low self

My therapist has me stand naked in front of a mirror every day repeating: "You're beautiful.

" And you know what? l am beautiful.


Well, anyway, this behavior has to stop.

-For the sake of your loved ones.


l'm the crazy one in this family.

l dragged home a salad bar from the Sizzler yesterday, and no one even noticed.

He's spilling the Bac

l'm sorry, everyone.

No more dangerous stunts, l promise.

As soon as l jump off the top of the Globocide office tower.

Bitchen! l'm watching that.

l'll bet your guts come out like mushroom soup.

Would you boys shut up, please? Your mother is not jumping off of anything.

l forbid it, and in this house l am the pope, the king and the sheriff.


He's gonna bury me again.

You can't restrain me.

You wouldn't do this to an animal.

l know, sweetie, but
- Loose harness.

Loose harness.

-Well, sweet dreams, honey.

-Where am l gonna sleep? You'll be bunking with me.

lt'll remind me of my days in the Navy.

Open the porthole, Kowalski.

l overdid it on the chipped beef.

Here comes the griddle
-cake train.

-Milo, where's your mother?
-l wanted my bed back.

You were spooning me.

l think l have enough issues, don't you? Pickles has flown the coop.

She's gonna jump off the Globocide tower.

This is all my fault.

Of course it is.

But right now, we have to think about Mommy.

Grammy, keep an eye on the girl.

Thanks for the lift, Paco.

Velva, Kiki Smiley from Excess Hollywood.

Tell me, is it true that your beauty is only matched by your courage? Yes, Kiki.

l believe that's so.

Velva, l need your help.

My mommy's in trouble.

-The camera still rolling?

Velva can never resist a child's cry for help.

Let's go!
-My eye!
-Look out! Pickles, don't.

Wow, you're really out of breath.

-two flights.

-Why didn't you use the elevator? Elevator? Son of a
- Globocide rooftop.

Pigeons, suicides, hawking loogeys on pedestrians.

Beth! Since you wouldn't listen to us, l thought maybe you'd listen to Velva.

ln the unlikely event that l would ever lay with a man and bear a child l would never risk my life jumping off a building.

Well, Beth, l guess l let you down again.

l'm sorry, honey, but Mommy has a problem.

Mommy, please don't jump.

-Placentor, no!
-Velva, help me! Quick, Velva, grab the chute and tuck me into your skirt.

What are you, nuts? l'm coming, baby! Gross.

You can see up Mom's dress.

Hey, that's my underwear! lt's okay, baby.

We made it.

But you're just gonna do it again and again until you break.

No, l'm not.

When l almost lost you, l realized how you felt every time l did some crazy stunt.

l'll never do anything like that again.

Darn right you won't.

Because l forbid it.

Bird! Bird! We saw the whole thing.

What a ride.

Yeah, but l won't be doing that again.

lt's too dangerous.

This is better than risking death any day.

Now, l could go for a drink.

Come on, bring the whole family.

l just made a pitcher of margaritas.

Okay, but no salt.

That stuff will k*ll you.
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