[clock ticking]
[soft music]
Do you mind taking
the glasses off?
Yeah. Whatever.
[soft music]
[Therapist]
Tell me about your
childhood, Charlie.
Okay, well, once upon a time,
I was a child.
Then I grew up, and that,
that's pretty much it covered.
[soft music]
-Oh, sorry, there's
no smoking in here.
Really?
Since when?
2007.
Brilliant.
[soft music]
[Charlie]
I can chew these, but
I'm not allowed to smoke?
[paper rattling]
[soft music]
I don't think you're supposed
to eat the whole packet.
[clock ticking]
[soft music]
So what are we, what
are we doing here, Doc?
We're just talking.
Are we really, though?
About what, what are
we talking about?
Whatever you want to
talk about. Just chitchat.
Chitchat, chitchat.
No offence, but I
got plenty of people
in my life I can chitchat with.
[soft music]
I would like you tell me
why you think you're here.
I'm here because of a
broad, a fraulein, a chick.
A chiquita. A dame, if you will.
Maybe it was a f*cking woman.
[soft music]
Why don't you tell
me what happened?
Start from the beginning.
Okay, if you really,
really wanna know.
So it all started with
this f*cking tattoo.
[upbeat dramatic music]
[Mitch]
My girlfriend's not
returning any of my calls.
She, she says I'm unstable.
I just don't know what to
do with myself anymore.
I just find myself
at home crying and
cuddling my cat.
And I cuddle it
too hard sometimes.
Have you ever squeezed
a cat too hard?
Stuff is, there's stuff
popping inside him.
I was like, Sorry, Craig,
but it feels like I'm not me.
It feels like I've got
like a hood on my head, so...
so do you know what I've done?
It's terrible. I put one of
my socks on my cat's head.
So he knows how I feel.
[dramatic music]
[footsteps echoing]
[soft upbeat music]
[footsteps echoing]
[soft upbeat music]
Sorry I'm late.
[soft upbeat music]
[Tattoo girl exhaling]
[Advisor Sue]
Um. Well, thank you,
Mitch for sharing.
Some appreciation
please, thank you.
[group applauding]
For Mitch.
Thank you, thank you.
So, who's next?
[upbeat dramatic music]
So, gonna miss this.
What, what do you mean?
I'm moving on. New horizons,
gonna see the world and shit.
Wait, where you going?
Winchester.
Winche-- What the
f*ck's in Winchester?
I met a girl. Yeah,
she lives there.
You met a girl?
Yeah, I met a girl. How
hard is that to believe?
No, sorry, no. Um...
How long have you
been dating her?
A few months, yeah.
Yeah, we met online.
We've been sending
stuff back and forth.
Mm, stuff?
Yeah, sent her a DVD.
DVD?
I borrowed my brother's
video camera, yeah.
Set out by the end of the bed.
Laid out some candles,
you know, set the mood.
And then press record, yeah.
Slip me old khaks off,
did the good stuff all
over meself, you know.
Took the tape out, took it
down Dixon's little couriers.
Went to the same place.
I gave it to the
fella, paid 399,
it was ready in
a couple of days.
Picked it up, stuck a stamp
on it, sent it to Winchester.
She's probably rubbing
herself off to it as we speak.
So you haven't
actually met her?
No. No, not yet, no.
How do you know
she's not a catfish?
She's not a fish.
What if she's
got a d*ck, Dave?
What, like a hermaphrodite?
No, like a man.
I don't know. I'll cross
that bridge when I come to it.
Well, you're f*cking me,
Dave. You are f*cking me here.
I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm sure
you can find another dealer.
Where?
I don't know, go
to a rough area.
Strike up a conversation, Jesus.
Rough area? And get
stabbed in the neck?
It's better than getting
stabbed in the back?
That's a dig at me, isn't it?
I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.
You're the only reason I come
to these f*cking meetings.
Without you, what have I got?
Hm?
f*ck you, Dave.
f*ck you.
Well all that, bit
harsh. I'm a person.
[traffic passing]
[Charlie sighing]
[traffic passing]
Excuse me.
Have you got a um...
[lighter clicking]
[traffic passing]
Haven't seen you at any
of these meetings before.
It's my first time.
How'd you find it?
Google Maps.
Oh no, sorry, I meant
like, did you enjoy it?
I know, I was joking.
[Charlie chuckling]
- Yeah, of course.
It was great.
Cool.
I'm Charlie, by the way.
[traffic passing]
Cool.
I have a, I have,
I've got a car.
If you wanna, if you
wanna ride or something.
[soft upbeat music]
Sure.
[soft upbeat music]
[engine revving]
What's your thing?
Heroin.
Glamorous.
Yeah.
What about you?
What's your vice?
Sex.
Sex?
Yeah.
Okay.
I like to f*ck.
I love it.
[Charlie breathing]
Doesn't seem like the
worst addiction in the world.
What makes you wanna
stick a needle in your arm?
It's pretty f*cking gross.
No, I don't inject. No.
It doesn't matter, yeah.
There are plenty of more
glamorous dr*gs out there.
I'll give you that.
But you chose heroin?
No, you don't choose
heroin. Heroin chooses you.
[snorts] f*ck off.
What?
Don't get all poetic about it.
It doesn't choose who does it.
It's not a living,
breathing thing.
You make your own decisions.
Don't use wanky poetry
to try and cover it up.
So who were you waiting for?
Where?
Back at the community centre.
My boyfriend.
Oh, you have a boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- Cool.
Why, did you think I was
gonna f*ck you tonight?
No, not at all.
That's not what I...
No, I was just trying to--
I'm f*cking with you.
Yeah, okay.
Anyway, I'm gonna break up
with him tomorrow, so whatever.
- Oh really, why's that?
[exhales] Because I
don't love him anymore.
Don't see the point in
staying with someone
if you don't love them, even
if he does have a monster cock.
Monster
cock?
What's a monster cock?
Wow, sounds brilliant.
- Such a shame I don't
love him anymore.
Yeah, tragic.
So when did you quit?
Heroin.
I haven't quit.
Why are you going
to the meetings?
I'll tell you something,
but it's like a super secret.
You can't ever, ever repeat it.
I haven't told anyone
this. You ready?
My lips are sealed.
Okay.
I actually meet my dealer there.
What?
Yeah, but he's
um, he told me today
that he's f*cking
off to Winchester
with a girl that he's never met,
so that, that's Charlie
out in the cold.
It's that the
only reason you go?
It makes me feel
normal to be around
a load of other f*ck-ups.
No offence.
None taken.
Is that what you
want? To be normal?
Maybe.
I know I don't wanna die.
We all gotta
die at some point.
Yeah, but I want,
I wanna be old.
I wanna be like 100,
old, like creaky bones.
You know what would suck?
What's that?
Dying the night before
your 100th birthday.
Yeah, that would suck.
Almost feel like your whole
life was just a waste of time.
Yeah.
[soft music]
Hm.
[engine revving]
Well, thanks for the ride.
Anytime.
Are you gonna be at
next week's meeting?
Yeah, I think so. Are you?
Might be, if you're lucky.
Cool.
-Well, good luck trying
to find a new dealer.
Mm, yeah. Yeah,
I gotta do that.
Thanks.
Okay.
Well, thanks.
[soft music]
[window squeaking]
Did I mention I
was a sex addict?
[Tattoo girl moaning]
[upbeat music and singing]
[Tattoo girl moaning]
[phone ringing]
[Charlie moaning]
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
- Hi, hi, is that Dom, Dominic?
Hi there, Dom.
I'm Charlie. I'm calling from
Hillcooks and Sons Insurance.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Sorry.
Yeah, that's okay, don't, yeah.
[Charlie sighing]
Charlie? Quick word.
- Yeah.
Money! Let's go, people!
Yep, thanks.
[Mark snorting]
- Oh, watch out [coughs].
Oh, I mean--
She, she, she, she's
gonna f*cking k*ll me.
Okay, Charles.
I mean, I can't even
stand to look at her.
Just looking at
her, and her voice.
Her voice is like, just
every time she speaks,
just wants to make me, you know,
f*cking punch
myself in the d*ck!
You know, and she's like some
annoying, little Smurf twat.
Always with the mah mah
mah, I'm so brave. Shut up!
I don't give a shit!
I know.
- Really gets on my tits.
Really gets on my tits!
Do you understand?
Well, maybe it's time to
get a divorce, Mark.
- I just, I just, I
just can't be asked.
It's the paperwork, it's the
dog. I f*cking love that dog!
I know you do.
I love that dog!
It's just a ball ache.
What's, what's
the other option?
Are you gonna stay married
to someone that you hate?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, probably.
I mean, is that, is
that, is that stupid or?
Yeah, it's pretty
f*cking stupid.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Mark snorting]
Cowabunga.
So, uh, so what's
happening to you?
Are you, are you
seeing any, seeing any,
got any steam, any
flavours, you got any tang?
Charlie tang in the bag.
I don't know what you mean.
-Any, any women? p*ssy.
-Oh, funny enough, I did
meet someone, yeah, at group.
Oh, yeah, heroin?
- No. I don't think I should.
Come on, tell me,
tell me, tell me.
Yeah, it's sex, she's
a sex addict, yeah.
Sex, sex, sex? f*ck off!
What?
I mean f*cking hell.
f*cking hell, no!
No no, no no no! No.
You're seeing a sex addict?
I didn't say I'm seeing her.
Like, we spent the
night together.
Spent the night together.
Spent the night together.
Spent the night
together, I know,
you banged her, didn't you?
You Casanova, you hero! Uh!
Yes!
f*cking hell. What was it like?
-Yeah, it was um...
It was good, yeah?
It was great, tell me.
Tell me, yeah?
It was good, yeah.
Yeah? Good, good.
It was sex.
Good, good, good,
great, great, great.
Tell me, tell me
some more about it.
What happened? What
was she, what was it?
Talk to me about it.
No.
- No, you know.
No.
Please, m*therf*cker.
I need this.
I need this, I need this.
I sleep next to
the same, you know,
miserable old
vag*na every night.
I f*cking need this for
the midnight wang bang.
Please tell me.
I don't want you
thinking about me
while you're masturbating,
Mark, so I'm good.
It's too late.
What do you mean too late?
Too late, you need to leave.
-What the f--
what are you doing?
You need to go right now.
Oh.
Get out of here!
Where are you--
-Keep up the good work.
-Okay.
[Woman]
You're all so much stronger
than you think you are.
I mean, look at you, you've
all been through such hardship
and you're all still
here, triumphant.
It's great.
Look, remember, most pain in
life is temporary. It passes.
We've got to give
ourselves a chance,
some time to mend and heal.
It's important.
Because,
we don't want to put
pressure on ourselves.
We don't wanna feel pressure
to be okay again straight away.
Pain...
is why we're here.
Pain is the root
of all our various addictions.
Now I know you're all
here for different things,
but I want you to take a minute,
look inside yourself,
and ask yourself,
What do I want from
today's session?
[upbeat dramatic music]
[Tattoo girl moaning]
[upbeat dramatic music]
Yeah.
[soft upbeat music]
[knocking on door]
[Charlie]
What happened to your eye?
I tripped.
Who did this to you?
Does it matter?
It was your boyfriend.
It was my fault.
- [scoffs] Why, what did you do?
I hit him. He hit me back.
I don't know why
you think that's okay.
Did I say that, Charlie?
Shit happens. Why
you here anyway?
Well, you weren't at group.
I'm sorry. I couldn't
find anything to wear.
Is that really why you're here?
Yeah, I was just, I was
just making sure you're okay.
No you didn't. You
wanted to f*ck me again.
That's not true.
Bullshit, you
thought you were gonna
get your d*ck sucked tonight.
Not everything is about sex.
Everything that matters is.
You really believe that?
I believe that you
came here to f*ck me.
That's what I believe.
Well, I didn't, so.
So what is it then?
Why are you here?
I don't know. I...
I don't have this like
fancy poetic answer for you.
I just, all week I've been
thinking about what was gonna be
the first thing I'd say
when I saw you again.
What did you come up with?
Hi.
I come up with "hi".
Not the most original
thing in the world.
[soft music]
But I would have said "hi" back.
Really?
[soft upbeat music]
Hi.
Hi.
Do you wanna come inside?
You can sit down.
Yeah, I know. I'm good.
[soft music]
How was the meeting?
Boring.
Full of boring people
telling a boring story
about their boring lives.
Did it make you feel normal?
No, not tonight. Tonight,
it made me feel sad.
- Why?
Because you weren't there.
Well, you're here now.
- Yeah.
So what are you
complaining about?
[soft music]
I like you.
You don't know me.
Yeah, but what I know I like.
You like f*cking me.
Yeah, yeah, I do,
I did. It was lovely.
But I think it might
be more than that.
I've been thinking about
you nonstop all week.
Really?
- Yeah.
What have you
been thinking about?
I've been thinking
what it would be like to
wake up next to
you every morning.
That's pathetic.
That's rude.
[Tattoo girl sighing]
Let me take you out.
Out where?
Outside.
- What do you mean outside?
Out there, in the
real world. Me and you.
I like it better in my world.
And why is that?
Because in my world,
I am God.
You're God?
-Mm.
That's cool. Very cool.
You don't strike me
as a particularly
religious girl, though.
Just because I believe in
God doesn't make me religious.
Mm, true.
A friend of mine
used to say that
the feeling of heroin was
like God's petting you.
He wasn't religious either.
Almost makes me wanna try it.
I wouldn't [sighs].
So what do you say?
- To what?
Let me take you out.
- I don't know, Charlie.
I don't really feel
that pretty tonight.
Okay, well, what
about the weekend?
- Busy.
Doing what?
f*cking my boyfriend probably.
[laughs] Yeah.
Wait what? Are you--
What?
You're still with him?
-Yeah.
-Why?
I just haven't got around
to breaking up with him yet.
I figured, whilst
I'm still with him,
I might as well
keep f*cking him.
What about me? What about us?
-What about us?
I, I don't mean
anything to you?
Charlie, we met
once. We f*cked.
A week later, you turn up high
on my doorstep asking me out.
What do you want me to say?
I'm not high.
-Right.
-Thanks.
You asked me what I
was doing this weekend,
and I told you.
We're not a couple, Charlie.
[soft music]
You don't love him.
You don't love him.
What, and I love you?
-That's not what I said.
Mm.
I didn't say that.
So what are you
saying, Charlie?
I'm saying why don't you,
f*cking,
why don't you f*cking
f*ck me instead then?
Instead of him?
-Yeah.
Right, what would
that make you?
Um, it would make me the
guy that you're f*cking
that doesn't punch you
in the face, for one.
Charlie, it's not that simple.
Why not?
Because he's not
the kind of guy
you can just walk away from.
No shit.
[soft music]
He said he'd k*ll me.
If I ever left him,
he said he would,
he would slit my throat
and no one would
ever find the body.
I believe him.
[soft music]
Well...
we need to go to the police.
Obviously.
Since when did you
and I become a we?
I'm serious. I wanna help you.
You can't help me, Charlie.
-I can.
-No one can.
No, this is my life,
I've accepted that.
You need to do the same.
f*ck just accepting
it. f*ck that, no way.
We could just, we
could literally just
disappear forever.
You watch too many
movies, Charlie.
Yeah, we can just do that.
With what money?
I haven't got a penny to
my name, and I'm guessing
all your life savings are
stored in your f*cking arm.
I smoke it. I don't inject it.
[sighs] Reality is, we're
gonna wake up tomorrow morning
and carry on living
these same f*cking lives.
How much you think we'd need?
What?
-How much money to
start a new life?
- Did you not just
listen to a word I said?
Yeah, but you just,
humour me. Humour me here.
How much you think we'd need?
Oh, God, I don't know.
50 grand?
50 grand, what's 50 grand?
Who do you know
that's got 50 grand?
Ugh! Um...
The bank.
The bank. Plan A, rob a bank.
Wow, that's Plan A?
Yeah, it's not a great
plan, but it's a plan.
I'm thinking on my feet here.
Do you know anyone else
that's got 50 grand?
Rich people.
Rich people, good one.
Plan B, rob a rich person.
Any rich person?
Yeah, no.
No.
We rob a rich person who
isn't gonna call the police.
You know, because
they got dirty money.
Dirty.
Ooh.
Dirty money, filthy as f*ck.
Okay.
You can't report
something stolen
that's already
been stolen, right?
Wait, surely you know
a bunch of drug dealers.
I know one drug dealer.
He wears a Casio watch.
And anyway, he's f*cked
off to Winchester.
What about a porn star?
What about a porn star?
A porn star who moonlights
in f*cking lonely women,
and those women pay him in cash,
and that cash he puts in
a safe in his wardrobe.
Would something like that work?
I don't know.
Is there a lot of money
in f*cking lonely women?
He gets around
five grand a f*ck.
Five grand a...
f*cking, five grand?
That's, who is this guy?
His name's Jimmy.
He's my boyfriend.
[soft music]
Monster Cock is a porn star.
Yep.
Mm, course he
is. Course he is.
He's pretty
successful as well.
Is he? Yeah, successful
porn star, is he, yeah?
Oh he's great.
Wait just one second.
Let me get this right.
You wanna rob your boyfriend?
Yeah.
[Charlie chuckling]
Go on. Tell me what you'd do.
[soft music]
[upbeat dramatic music]
[Tattoo Girl] The first thing
you need to know about Jimmy
is that he is in love with
every inch of his body.
And believe me, there
are a lot of inches.
[Charlie] Oh thank you.
You haven't mentioned that.
[Tattoo Girl] He's
been making adult movies
since he was 18.
By the time he was 21, he'd
f*cked over 1,000 women.
You know how I know this?
Because it's a fact that
he is very proud of.
But porn is not where
he makes his money.
The housewives are.
[women moaning]
He keeps all of that money
in a locker by his bed.
After all, he can't bank it.
It's not exactly
legal what he's doing.
[Charlie] It's dirty money.
[Tattoo Girl] Just
like you wanted.
[Charlie] So
what happens next?
[Tattoo Girl] We
go back to reality.
f*ck off! We don't have
to go back to reality.
f*ck reality. We can do this.
This is a solid
plan. We can do this.
He'll k*ll us.
Only if he catches us.
Do you know the combination?
What?
To the safe. Do you know
the combination to the safe?
Yes. f*ck, yes.
-What is it?
Two four four,
three four two five.
It spells "big d*ck".
Oh f*ck, we get it,
mate. Jesus Christ.
Look, Charlie, you have no
idea what he's capable of.
Well, you've got no idea
what I'm capable of. So...
You're a junkie, Charlie.
You're unstable,
confused, f*cked up.
You probably won't even remember
this conversation
in the morning.
What conversation?
I'm joking. Don't
roll your eyes at me.
I'm joking.
But I've been a
junkie for five years,
and I still remember
to tie my shoes
and brush my teeth and
wipe my ass, all right?
I've never been more serious
about anything in my life
than I am right now about this.
I wanna rob your abusive
porn star boyfriend
and then sail off into the
f*cking sunset with you.
You sail?
We'll get a plane!
[Therapist]
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
I'm not sure how I
feel about this story.
How you f--
Am I not supposed to be the
one that's feeling things, Doc?
I mean, I'm not sure I like
where it's going.
Well that's what makes
it an interesting story.
Who wants to listen to a story
where you know how
it's gonna end?
I didn't say it
wasn't interesting.
Okay, but how about
we pretend for a minute
you're not my therapist?
Just imagine that
we're just two friends,
we're sitting in a bar.
I don't think so.
It's a little
bit of role play.
I'm sure you and Mr.
Therapist do it all the time.
That's none of your
business, Charlie.
It's weird.
Weird how uncomfortable you get
when I mention anything
about your life.
We're not here to
talk about me, Charlie.
Mm.
And how does that
make you feel, Doc?
[clock ticking]
So do you wanna
know what happened?
Okay, so, a few days later,
there's a knock on my door.
Guess who it is?
[door opening]
Hi, what?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
How do you know where I live?
You told me to
meet you here at 11.
You texted me your address.
You don't remember?
So much for never
forgetting anything.
Did I mention why
I wanted to see you?
No.
-Aw.
-Charlie?
f*ck, man, I--
Charlie, Charlie?
Charlie, why the f*ck are
you wearing a balaclava?
f*ck, oh well, that's
embarrassing. Sorry, yeah.
Oh f*ck, yeah, I think
this might be why
I wanted you to come over.
To show me your balaclava?
Yeah, yeah, I
thought we could maybe
wear them when we rob Jimmy.
You really made
me get on a bus
all the way over
here to tell me that?
Um, yeah.
You're a f*cking
idiot, Charlie.
Wait wait, don't go. Don't go.
You're here now. You
might as well stay.
Well might as well I do that?
Um.
You say um a f*cking
lot, don't you?
Only when I can't think
of anything else to say.
Uh.
But look, I've got,
I've got coffee,
and fruit loaf.
It's like fruit,
and it's like bread.
It's like a fruity bread.
But look, I'm sorry, I just,
I really think I just
wanted to see you.
[soft music]
Have you got a bed?
Um.
[Tattoo girl moaning]
I'm coming.
[Tattoo girl moaning]
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Whew.
No one has ever made me come
from going down on me before.
Really?
[Tattoo girl panting]
[Tattoo girl laughing]
-Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
-Why, uh,
sex?
How did you get addicted to it?
[sighs] That's not
a fun story to tell.
Yeah, you don't need
to tell me obviously.
I was just curious.
-It's fine.
You asked.
Might as well tell you so
you don't imagine the worst.
When I was 13, my parents split.
I stopped talking.
At first, they thought
it was a protest, but...
after a few weeks, they
realised they should
probably send me
to a professional.
[soft music]
Dr. Clark.
And that didn't really work
either at first, because
I was a master at
staying in silence, so...
why would I open my mouth
to a complete stranger?
Thing is, Dr. Clark
didn't really mind
that I sat in silence.
If anything, it was better
for the physical therapy.
I would sit there from
5:30 in the afternoon
with the door locked,
whilst I was told
to remove my underwear.
I would sit there, whilst Dr.
Clark asked me questions like,
"Does that make your tummy feel
funny when I touch you there?"
[soft music]
I would sit there with
a tongue in my ear,
in my mouth,
all over my body, whilst Dr.
Clark made me feel special.
I knew it was wrong, but
I didn't tell anyone.
The thing is, what's
so f*cked up is that,
I liked it.
I know that's not what I'm
meant to say, but I did.
[soft music]
My mum started seeing
a difference in me.
I was talking again.
So she figured that therapy
must be doing something right.
And I stopped going.
But I missed the
way it made me feel.
I never went back.
But I know what I'd do if I did.
I'd k*ll Dr. Clark for
making me who I am today.
I need a shower.
[organ music]
[Charlie] So,
what's his place like?
[Tattoo Girl]
Immaculate, that would be
the best way of describing it.
Not a single thing out of place.
He takes pride in
everything he owns.
[Charlie] So how do we get in?
[Tattoo Girl] We walk
through the front door.
How else would we get in?
[Charlie] Won't it be locked?
[Tattoo Girl] Yes, but I'll
unlock it when I let you in.
[Charlie] You're
gonna let me in?
[Tattoo Girl]
You really need to let me
finish here, Charlie.
[Charlie]
Sorry.
[Tattoo Girl] After I
let you in, we both put on
the balaclavas and
head to the bedroom.
[Charlie] Wait, why
are we gonna rob him
when he's in there?
[Tattoo Girl] Because
there's only one key,
which funnily enough, he has.
And he doesn't allow
anyone in his house
when he's not there.
[Charlie]
Okay, that makes sense.
So, what happens in the bedroom?
[Tattoo Girl]
I will carefully go over
to the locker and open the safe.
[Charlie] But what am
I gonna be doing then?
[Tattoo Girl]
Making sure he doesn't wake up.
[Charlie] And what
if he does wake up?
[Jimmy growling]
Then we sh**t him.
sh**t him?
-Yeah.
In the leg or something,
stop him running after us.
With what?
With a g*n, you idiot.
A g*n? Have you
got a g*n, have you?
No.
No, because I
haven't got a g*n.
Then we'll get a g*n.
-Where will we get a g*n?
I know a guy.
Have you ever
even fired a g*n?
No. But how hard can it be?
Just point and pull
the trigger, right?
Yeah, just like that.
-Yes, just like that, Charlie.
Can you stop being
such a f*cking p*ssy?
Okay, okay, who
is this guy then?
Some American, all right?
Word on the street is
there was a drug deal.
Word on the street.
-Can you let me
finish my story?
Finish it.
-There was a drug deal
that went wrong in New York.
Two local lads
k*lled his brother.
Left him dead, shot in the head.
So, he's now over
here looking for them.
Apparently, he drives
around with a f*cking
arsenal in his boot.
Figure we could just
get one of those g*ns.
[snickers] Sorry,
that's your plan?
[fake laughs]
Yes it is, Charlie.
You have a better one?
No. No.
All right, where would we
find this American then?
Sat right over there.
[soft music]
[patrons chattering]
Okay, let's say that is him.
What are you gonna do,
just waltz over there,
be like, "excuse me,
Mr. Cowboy, sir,
can I buy a g*n from you?"
No way.
Yes.
No, no, no.
[patrons chattering]
Hi.
[soft music]
Can we, uh, buy you a drink?
I'm good, thanks.
Okay.
How about some nuts or...
pork scratchings?
What the f*ck are
pork scratchings?
Sort of like dried
up bits of pig skin
with hair.
[coughs] They're actually a
lot nicer than they sound.
I think I'll stick
with the whiskey.
That's fair enough.
So, we were wondering...
If you can buy a g*n from me?
Yeah, how did you know that?
You talk very loudly,
and I could hear every
single word you said.
That's a bit embarrassing.
Yeah, a little bit.
Your friend
didn't seem so keen.
He's just a,
he just needs to
grow a pair of balls.
She right?
Excuse me?
Do you need to grow a pair?
I, I, I don't know.
I don't think so.
So you've got some then?
Some?
Balls?
Yes, I got some, two
of them, thank you.
Prove it.
Come again?
I don't trust you. I don't
deal with people I don't trust.
If you wanna g*n,
get your balls out
and put them on the bar.
[patrons chattering]
Right.
Can we just, we're just
gonna have a little regroup.
Come over here.
-Okay.
-Sweetheart.
So this guy's insane.
Of course he is.
He's f*cking American.
Well I'm not getting
my balls out for him.
Why not?
Because it's a weird thing
to ask someone you just met.
Why so weird?
I don't know how many
germs are on the bar either.
I don't wanna do it.
Look, just do it real
quick. Just whip them out.
Just whip them out?
Whip your tits out.
How about that?
He doesn't want my tits.
Whip your fanny out.
-He doesn't want my fanny.
-f*ck me.
He wants your balls, Charlie.
Come on. What is the problem?
I'll tell you what. I'll
do it. How about that?
He's not giving you
very many options, is he?
Fine.
-Fine.
-Fine.
What will it be?
We gonna do this?
[soft music]
[fly unzipping]
Stop right there.
You some kinda f*g?
What?
A total stranger in a bar
ask you take your balls out.
That just makes me
think of two things.
[soft music]
You're either a f*g,
or you're desperate.
Which is it?
The second one.
You sure about that?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Okay, meet me
tonight at midnight.
Warehouse 19 at the docks.
Don't be late.
The price is 2,000.
Right, 2,000.
Is that, so is that pounds or?
Pounds.
Right. You don't take cards?
Thank you. It's cash, he's cash.
Cannot believe you were
gonna get your balls out.
f*ck off. I don't have
2,000 pounds either.
Yeah, right, just
leave it with me.
Meet me outside the big
Tasco at 11, all right?
So you gonna come
to group tonight?
-Obviously not.
[Tattoo Girl]
Nice to meet you.
[The American]
See you later.
[soft music]
It was at a party.
I don't know how it
happened. It just kinda did.
And, yeah, since
then I feel like
my life's been a
bit foggy and hazy,
kinda like I'm in a, like
a dream or something.
You, you ever had that dream
where you're, you're falling?
You know, you're falling
and you're falling
and just before you
wake up, you jolt awake.
Like, I feel like,
since I first used
my life's been like
that, I been falling.
And, I've just been
waiting for something to,
to wake me up.
Wow. That's so depressing.
Depressing, okay.
Sorry, Nick, expecting
something a little bit
more uplifting here, were you?
f*cking depressing.
-No, I, I just mean, it's just
sad.
That bit about falling,
totally get it.
It touched me on a
like deep profound level,
like a human level.
You know, like really,
whew, it's just sad.
And depressing.
-Mm.
You see, I seem to
remember about a week ago,
you told a story for about
45 minutes about the time
you got so pissed you shat
yourself in a car park.
Whew.
Whoa.
I mean, you didn't
have to attack me, man.
I'm just saying, we all
have this in common.
Yeah, like, it
binds us together.
It's just sad.
And, um,
and depressing.
I come to these
things every week,
and I don't say anything,
and the one time I do,
you're kinda like jumping on it.
And it's
annoying.
His hand's up, isn't it? Yeah.
[upbeat music]
[engine idling]
He said midnight.
Why say midnight if he
doesn't turn up at midnight?
It's just, I hate
people who are late.
- Ugh. He'll be here soon.
You've been saying that
for the last seven minutes.
[Tattoo girl exhaling]
You're just
nervous, that's all.
Yes, I am nervous.
How are you not nervous?
-I don't know.
And where did you get
this two grand from?
[Tattoo Girl]
Baby, I've seen some shoes.
Oh.
-Mm, they're red.
And they're latex.
And I think that they would
go perfectly with this outfit.
They sound really nice.
You're gonna love
them, I promise.
Go on. How much are they?
2,000?
Baby, that is a lot of money.
Well, you did forget
my birthday last month.
And you know, they're
just as much for you
as they are for me.
Baby, you're turning me on.
-They're one of a
kind, just like you.
Just like me.
Oh, I think I'm gonna come.
Oh, can I buy the shoes?
Oh, baby.
Can I buy the shoes?
Oh, I'm coming.
Can I buy the f*cking shoes?
Yes, buy the f*cking shoes!
Thank you.
[Jimmy groaning]
You f*cked him again?
What the f*ck? No, did you
not just listen to the story?
The story where you
just made him come?
But we didn't f*ck.
I beg to differ.
You beg to differ
that we f*cked?
Well how would you feel if
it was the other way around?
[soft upbeat music]
Hello, Charlie.
I'm sorry.
[soft upbeat music]
Yeah. You did what
you had to do, I guess.
[soft upbeat music]
This is f*cking ridiculous
now. Where the f*ck is he?
He'll be here.
[soft upbeat music]
What if he sh**t us?
Why would he sh**t us?
I don't know. He's an
American, isn't he?
Don't they just walk around
and sh**t anyone willy-nilly?
[chuckles] Willy-nilly,
who the f*ck says that?
I say that.
-Right.
Give me your hand.
-What?
Give me your hand.
Feel how f*cking fast my
heart is beating right now.
Probably got something
to do with the amount
of heroin that's been
through your system.
No no no, this is
different, this is different.
This feels, this
is bad, it's bad.
We should go, we
should leave this.
No, no, what the
f*ck are you doing?
Charlie, just look
at me. Let's breathe.
[Tattoo girl breathes]
Breathe with me.
[Charlie breathing]
Okay, breathe it out.
Maybe, we should just go inside
and have a look
if he's in there.
Hm? How's that sound?
Yeah, that's actually
a really good idea.
-Yeah. Okay.
We shoulda done
that when we got here.
-Right.
Let's go look inside.
Okay.
[door sliding]
[soft dramatic music]
You're late.
[soft dramatic music]
Have you got the g*n?
I've got the g*n.
Can we see it?
Money first.
Get the money.
Uh.
Throw it over.
[soft dramatic music]
Oh.
The wallet, you
stupid f*cking idiot.
Put the money in the
wallet and throw it over.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
[soft dramatic music]
[money rattling]
[soft dramatic music]
You're such an idiot.
[soft dramatic music]
It's in the trunk.
You mean the boot?
I mean the trunk.
That's what
Americans call boots.
I know.
Don't worry.
I won't sh**t you in the back.
[footsteps thudding]
[soft dramatic music]
What is that?
It's a g*n.
What are we supposed
to do with that?
You ordered a
g*n. That's a g*n.
That is a g*n.
Yeah, that is a g*n.
That is a g*n used to sh**t
deer with in about 1880.
You haven't got anything
smaller, have you?
You didn't specify size.
No, I know that, but I mean,
what am I supposed
to do with this?
I can't hide this. It
isn't very subtle, is it?
Wear an overcoat.
I don't have an overcoat.
Well, buy one.
Brilliant, so
now I have to buy
an overcoat as well as this?
We don't, I don't
actually want this.
So, so you take that,
I'll take the money back
and then we'll just
go our separate ways.
No refunds.
What the f*ck do
you mean no refunds?
I mean no f*cking refunds.
You ordered a g*n. That's a g*n!
That's bullshit.
Tell someone who gives a shit.
[dramatic music]
You netted us 2,000--
[fist striking]
- Oh, Charlie,
wait. What the f*ck?
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa.
Okay, why doesn't
everyone just chill out?
We're cool. We're cool.
Just that is,
is like exactly what we need.
Can we not have that one?
This is my g*n.
But it's literally
the perfect size.
So is my d*ck. You
want some of that?
My advice to you
is take that r*fle
and get the f*ck outta here.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay.
One second, though. Is this
thing even loaded like?
- Of course it's f*cking loaded.
[g*n firing]
- Ah!
Ah! I'm so sorry.
That was, my finger
was on the, I...
You shot me, kid!
I did. I did, but
that was an accident.
Now I'm gonna sh**t you!
[g*n firing]
[clock ticking]
[tyres squealing]
Oh, f*ck me! I can't
believe he shot me!
Ow!
Oh Jesus, it's
a f*cking graze.
From a b*llet. It's a
graze from a f*cking b*llet.
Will you stop being
such a f*cking baby?
Have you ever been shot?
What?
Have you ever been shot?
No.
No, then until you get
shot, you can't say anything.
f*ck me. Ow!
Ow!
[Charlie exhaling]
[knocking on door]
[knocking on door]
[punch striking]
Ah! Ah!
Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me!
Ow! Ow!
Who the f*ck are you?
[punch striking]
[Charlie breathing hard]
[dramatic music]
[punches striking]
Are you hibernating?
Did you hear what I said?
Are you hibernating?
Are you a dirty little hedgehog?
I can see that.
What I can't see
is what my girl would see in
a f*cking junkie hedgehog.
Can you explain it to me?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, she's with
me for my big d*ck.
What did you say?
You got f*cking balls,
I'll give you that.
Let's have a little bet, huh?
Whoever hast he biggest
d*ck gets the girl.
What?
How's that for you?
Did you seriously
just get your d*ck out?
Your turn.
No, thank you.
Why not?
Well, I don't want to.
I want you to look at it.
I don't want to.
Look at my d*ck.
Please text me
a picture of it--
I'm not asking. Look
at my f*cking d*ck.
I'm actually not gonna.
Look at my f*cking d*ck.
Aw, f*ck, yeah.
I saw it, mate.
Come closer.
-What?
Come
closer.
What? What?
Come closer.
-What the f*ck is going on?
-Don't make me ask again.
I'm gonna f*cking do
it, just give me a second.
There you go.
Closer.
You are f*cking odd. Odd.
-Closer.
[soft dramatic music]
Closer.
[Charlie groaning]
[penis smacking]
[soft dramatic music]
What happened?
[Charlie spitting]
-Now, if you ever
come near my girl
ever again,
and I will f*cking
k*ll you with it.
You understand me, Hedge?
Do you understand?
Capiche. Got it.
f*cking got it.
Good.
f*ck me.
[soft dramatic music]
[door closing]
[Advisor Sue]
Charlie?
Charlie?
Charlie?
Hi.
-Hi.
-Welcome back.
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
Great.
Have you got something you
want to share with the group?
I'm not really in the mood
for share tonight, actually.
I don't even know why
I came. I'm gonna go.
-Charlie, um,
what are you saying?
I'm saying
f*ck sharing, I'm gonna
be selfish for a bit.
-But what if, what
if I suggested to you,
perhaps, and, and
just something for you
to think about and work on?
[Charlie] What?
Maybe that selfishness
is what brought
you here in the first place.
Uh, it's not. Heroin is.
And I wasn't selfish. I
always shared my needles.
That was,
I, I smoke heroin, I
don't even inject it.
That was a joke. f*cking
lighten up, tough crowd.
I think I can
speak for the group
when I say that wasn't funny.
Yeah, I sensed that
when nobody laughed.
And look,
to be honest,
I don't think this is
working out for me.
Because, I'll be honest
with you right now,
I get high all the time still.
I'm still using.
I'm high right now.
Sh.
Thank you.
-Welcome.
-Yeah.
That's brave, and
you are among friends.
And there is no
judgement here, Charlie,
but please, I implore you.
Just take a minute, just
for yourself, get centred.
Maybe have a cup of tea.
Something nice and hot,
and a nice biscuit.
-I'm not a kid.
None of us are kids.
And talking about this shit
doesn't actually
make it any easier.
In fact, it makes
it f*cking harder.
Okay, I come here every
week, and we talk and,
and it reminds me that
the only thing that's ever
made me happy in my life
is heroin.
Charlie, go to
your happy place.
My happy place
is me doing heroin.
You're not a smart woman.
Uh.
Fine, I don't think there's
any need for an insult.
I'm sorry. I'm, I
didn't mean to insult you.
I was just questioning your
intelligence. That's all.
Ugh. That's a shame, Charlie,
because I really
feel like we were,
we were making some
progress, but I'm so sorry.
I think maybe it's time
that you left.
Yeah, great.
I been trying to do that
for like 10 minutes, so
it's cool with me.
Jess. Say hi to your cat, mate.
[door opening]
[Charlie]
Good night, children.
[door closing]
You just can't help people
that won't help themselves.
It's a really big
lesson tonight, guys.
[sighs] Let's regroup.
[Tattoo girl exhaling]
Hey.
Can we talk?
f*ck, Charlie, I'm so sorry.
Why did you tell him?
I didn't want to.
He beat it out of me,
saw the texts. I'm sorry.
Had to.
You know he
slapped me with it.
His penis, he
slapped me with it.
What?
He beat the shit out of
me, and he made me crawl over
to it and then he
was like, "look at it".
And you know what? It
looked right back at me.
[chuckles] Sorry. I'm sorry.
You're laughing,
okay. f*ck you.
-I'm sorry.
You've got really
shitty taste in men.
Not all men.
Come on.
You've gone from abusive
porn star to junkie bum.
You're not a bum.
Look at me. What have I got?
Got no money. Got no friends.
I have a job. Do have a job.
Makes me wanna k*ll myself
every time I clock in.
What have I got?
You got me.
Did you, uh, did you
tell him about the plan?
No.
No?
Good.
Because I don't
just wanna rob him,
I wanna f*cking k*ll him.
So it's pretty much
still the exact same plan,
just have a different ending.
So we're not gonna
rob him anymore?
What? Of course we're gonna
rob him. You're not listening.
It's just that this time
I'm gonna use the g*n
and I'm gonna blow his
f*cking brains out.
So you sh**t him in the head?
Yes, I'm gonna
sh**t him in the head.
Why, where were you
thinking of sh**ting him?
Don't know, the head just
seems kinda harsh, isn't it?
Harsh? Look at your face.
Look at my face. This guy
deserves f*cking harsh.
The guy's lucky I don't f*cking
cut his d*ck off or something.
Ooh.
Let's do that.
I was joking. I
was, that was a joke.
You're, that's not a joke face.
No, obviously not.
No [clears throat].
sh**t him in the head then.
So you actually wanna do this?
Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Okay.
To justice.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Okay.
I'll just cheers you.
It felt right.
[glasses clinking]
[soft music]
I love you.
[knocking on door]
Who the f*ck is that?
I don't know. I don't know.
Get the g*n.
[soft suspenseful music]
Who is it?
[soft suspenseful music]
Freeze!
f*cking hell!
Oh f*ck, Mark, I'm so sorry.
I just pissed my pants!
Look at that, proper
pissed myself.
Yeah. You, do you
want some new trousers?
Come in.
Why have you got a g*n?
Why is it so big?
Are these really all you have?
Yeah, everything
else was dirty.
Great, great.
Great.
So do you wanna talk
about what happened or?
[Charlie]
With what?
With what, with what?
With the whole, the whole
pointing a g*n in my face.
You know, me pissing my pants.
Yeah, that.
[Mark]
Yeah, that.
Yeah, well, it's a,
it's a funny story.
Um, I'm actually babysitting it.
It's not my, it
doesn't belong to me.
That's not funny.
[Charlie]
What?
Well, you said funny story.
That's not a funny story.
It's barely even a story.
I mean, who the f*ck
babysits a g*n? It's stupid.
Whose g*n is it anyway?
I'm Mark, by the way.
Oh yeah, so Mark, this is--
Oh, oh oh, oh oh oh.
The, uh, sex addict.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You told him that?
- Addict.
[Charlie] It just
came up really briefly.
Nice.
You know I can see you?
Don't worry about
the g*n thing.
She, she's left, she's left me.
Who has?
My bastard wife,
she f*cking left me.
Hey, that's, that's
fantastic news.
That's exactly what you wanted.
I didn't want that.
Yes, you did.
No, no no, I
wanted to leave her.
But the f*cking b*tch
has beaten me to it.
Said she wasn't
happy or something.
I wasn't f*cking listening.
Yeah, Mark, you weren't happy.
I know. Do you
understand what I'm saying?
Do you know, seven years.
Seven, seven, seven years.
And then, then, then, see ya.
Like, like it's nothing.
Like it's, like
it's not my house,
and it's my f*cking house.
Watch the beer.
And she's so
like smug about it.
[groans] It's like she
didn't give a shit about it.
Do you know what I mean?
Mark, Mark.
You didn't give a shit.
Of course I give a shit!
Of course I give a shit!
Seriously, the carpet.
Do you know what?
f*ck the f*cking carpet.
f*ck the f*cking carpet.
f*ck off the f*cking carpet!
Mark!
f*cking carpet!
Wow, I'm so sorry about that.
That's not--
Yes, that--
Sorry about that.
Have you got a flannel
or a tea towel or?
I'll clean it up right now.
Don't worry about it.
[Charlie sighing]
[Mark sighing]
You okay?
Do you still love her?
Then maybe you need to do
something to show her that.
Like, like buy her some flowers,
or maybe like take her out
for a dinner or something.
And, uh, just something to make,
make, make her realise
that you care still.
Oh, maybe, yeah.
[Tattoo Girl]
Oh for f*ck sake.
Can you stop being such
a whiny little b*tch?
You don't love her.
You're just f*cked off
because she left you.
Makes you feel
small and pathetic,
like you're not a proper man.
You're looking at
this the wrong way.
You need to look
at the positives.
Positives.
-Yeah. I mean,
you're okay looking.
I bet you got a few
quid in your pocket.
Yeah, I mean. I do okay.
Right, so with an
okay face and money,
you could probably bang
some half-decent women.
It's not your heart that's
hurting. It's your pride.
[exhales] Pretty f*cking deep.
It's not deep.
It's just honest.
It's late. I'm tired.
Charlie, can you hurry up?
Because I wanna come
before we go to sleep.
Big day tomorrow. Nice
to meet you, Mark.
-Yeah, good night.
[Mark groaning]
Marry her.
[birds chirping]
[door opening]
Oh f*ck me!
[Mark shouting]
What are you doing?
I, I, just, just,
just sleeping.
Why are you
sleeping on my toilet?
-I don't know.
I mean, I must have just come
in to do a shit last night
and fell asleep on the--
What the f*ck is all
the shouting about?
-Nothing.
-Morning.
Are you sh1tting?
Um, I don't, I don't
even know, to be honest.
For f*ck sake, f*cking gross.
Sorry, sorry.
Why the f*ck have
you got a balaclava?
Yeah, that's the
important thing, isn't it?
Why are you sleeping
on my toilet?
Get the f*ck out of my bathroom.
Yeah, uh, issue, um.
I've been sitting
here for hours.
I can't even feel my legs.
Can you, I can't even
feel them at all.
Can you help me get--
Can you?
[Mark]
Ow, ow ow, owie!
Okay, nice to meet you.
[Charlie]
That's enough.
[Mark groaning]
Yeah.
You're not gonna put on
the piss trousers again?
Yeah, they'll be
dry. They'll be fine.
Yeah, but the smell.
Oh, the smell?
Yeah.
[sniffs] Yeah. [sniffs]
Yeah, a little bit pissy still.
But that's all right.
What are you gonna do?
Probably not gonna come
into work today, Mark.
Okay, yeah, I think that's,
think that's fair enough.
Yeah.
You're um,
you're not gonna do
anything, you know,
stupid, are you, Charles?
[soft music]
What do you mean?
The whole g*ns
and balaclavas thing
doesn't exactly say sensible.
And heroin does?
Good point.
Yeah.
It's just that, you
know, I, I like you, man.
You're a good guy.
[soft music]
Thanks, Mark.
-Yeah.
Right.
Mark, your, your coat?
-Yeah.
Can I borrow that
for a couple of days?
Um, yeah, yeah.
Fits you, yeah.
-Thanks.
You know what? You can,
you can keep that one.
-Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, thanks
for having me.
No, thanks for coming.
Same time next
week or something.
-Yeah, maybe.
-All right, see ya.
Hm.
Well, what do you think?
Big enough to hide a musket?
I love it.
So I have today off.
Oh, really?
Mm-hm. What do you wanna do?
[upbeat music]
[Therapist]
Charlie.
You need to stop
with the sex stuff.
Why?
You don't need to go into
so much detail every time.
It's an important
part of the story.
How is you having sex an
important part of the story?
Surely the whole planning a
m*rder is the important part.
Well, it's a
subplot, isn't it?
It's character development.
These aren't
characters, Charlie.
This isn't a made-up story.
This is your life, isn't it?
Or is this all
some sort of joke?
Glad to see you think
my life's a joke, Doc.
Unbelievable.
I need a drink.
[top unscrewing]
Can I get one of those?
[glass banging]
So should I--
Go ahead.
Okay, great.
Supposed to get to
Jimmy's place by 1:00 AM,
on the dot, not a minute later.
[radio stations changing]
Oh banger, banger.
[soft music]
[Charlie singing]
♪ Some girls, the
never forget it ♪
♪ No [indistinct singing] ♪
♪ It's so easy ♪
♪ All you got to do is
try a little tenderness ♪
♪ Tenderness ♪
♪ Squeeze her, don't you
tease her, never leave her ♪
♪ You've got to, oh,
you've got to, oh ♪
♪ You've got to f*cking
try a little tenderness ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
♪ Squeeze her, don't you
tease her, never leave her ♪
♪ You've got to, oh,
you've got to, oh ♪
♪ You've got to ♪
Oh f*ck, f*ck
I'm gonna be late.
[suspenseful music]
[upbeat suspenseful music]
[door clicking]
Shh.
Where is he?
He's in there. You're late.
Yeah, I know.
Traffic was pretty bad.
Traffic, at 1:00 AM?
Yeah.
For f*ck sake,
where's the balaclava?
Yeah.
[soft suspenseful music]
Wait. Do we even
need to wear these?
We're gonna k*ll him.
Yeah, absolutely not, no.
Good thinking.
Very warm.
Shh, shh.
Okay. Go.
[soft suspenseful music]
Why is he f*cking naked?
He always sleep naked.
Just don't look at it.
Look at it? It's
looking at me again.
Shut up. Let me get the money.
k*ll him.
Fine.
[safe banging]
[Jimmy snoring]
f*ck it.
Will you hurry the f*ck up?
Shh.
What are you waiting
for? sh**t him.
I can't do it.
You can't do it?
I can't do this.
[Charlie whimpering]
Wait, where the
f*ck are you going?
What the f*ck are you doing?
I can't breathe.
What?
I think I'm having
a panic attack.
Are you f*cking serious?
Go in there.
-Go in there!
-Sorry, sorry.
Just breathe.
Just breathe.
[Charlie breathing deeply]
[dramatic music]
Hello, Hedgehog.
[Jimmy screaming]
Jimmy, no no, no no no.
Get off him, Jimmy.
What the f*ck?
[Charlie groaning]
Get off him!
[glass breaking]
Get off him, Jimmy!
You think you can rob me?
You come in my house, you
try and f*cking rob me?
[Charlie choking]
[g*n clicking]
[Tattoo Girl]
Get off him, Jimmy.
Baby.
I said get the
f*ck off him, Jimmy!
[soft suspenseful music]
[Charlie gasping]
You okay, Charlie?
Get on your knees.
What are you
gonna do, sh**t me?
Get the f*ck on your knees!
[soft suspenseful music]
What did I ever do to you, hm?
[dramatic music]
[g*n firing]
[Charlie] I told you
it was a good story.
You're aware I now have
to inform the authorities?
I mean, you committed a m*rder.
Would we really
call it a m*rder?
You knowingly planned
to k*ll someone, yes.
We would call that a m*rder.
Yeah, but don't you
think that some people,
some people just deserve to die?
You're basically insane.
Is that the same
thing as crazy?
Because that seems a
little bit more harsh.
I'm calling the police.
No, we haven't even
gotten to the real reason
as to why I'm here yet.
What are you talking about?
The twist. Every story
needs a twist, right?
The twist.
Yeah, that last part where
the audience just go, f*ck me!
f*ck me?
Yeah, f*ck you, indeed, Doc.
Don't dial another
f*cking number.
[soft suspenseful music]
Do you remember that
story she told me in bed?
About the doctor,
used to touch her
when she was a little kid?
It was you, wasn't it?
Hm?
You see, after we k*lled Jimmy
and seemingly got away with it,
we put our heads
together and we thought,
who else in our lives
has f*cked us over?
You were the top of her list.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Really? Really?
[chuckles] Funny that.
[Charlie groaning]
[g*n clicking]
Made up with the
American, by the way.
You know what I find funny?
Is that you sit there every day,
listen to people's
problems, you jot it down
in our little notepad
and then you go home
to Mr. Therapist, who
I'm assuming has no idea
that what really turns you on
is raping little girls.
[soft dramatic music]
You're delusional, Charlie.
You have serious
mental health issues.
Then why have you
stopped dialing?
[dial tone]
Hm?
[upbeat suspenseful music]
[phone hanging up]
There you go.
[upbeat suspenseful music]
What do you want?
What's the time?
[upbeat suspenseful music]
Just gone one.
Perfect.
[knocking on door]
Um, I think that's for you.
Go on.
[upbeat suspenseful music]
[door clicking]
Hi, Doc.
[dramatic music]
Bye, Doc.
[g*n firing]
[Tattoo girl breathing heavily]
Oh my God. I think I'm
getting used to that. Well done.
[Mark]
Hey, guys.
Mark, what the f*ck
are you doing here?
Don't sh**t!
We're in, we're in
couples therapy.
This is my wife, by the way.
Linda, Charlie. Charlie, Linda.
Hi.
-Hi, Linda.
-Hi.
-Yeah, turns out no other
women wanted to f*ck me, so.
How did you not
see them when you...
I don't know.
I just walked in, knocked on
the door. It went so quickly.
-You guys didn't
even say anything.
-[Charlie] f*ck me!
No, no, she's
right. We didn't.
I think it was the shock.
It all happened so fast.
Is she dead in there?
Yes!
Right.
Right.
You can put your
hands down, by the way.
All right, yeah.
Whew, so.
So what, what, what do we
do now? What do we do, now?
I don't know. I don't know.
Baby, what do we do?
I have no idea.
I mean, there's two ways
we could go about this.
We could sh**t them.
No, no.
That's one option. Or?
We let them go and hope that
they'll not telltale tits.
[Tattoo girl clears throat]
What's it gonna be, Mark?
Yeah, I like, like
the second one more.
[Charlie] Yeah? Linda?
Second one please.
Second one.
Okay, great.
[Mark] Great.
This is what you say
when the police come.
You opened the door to
the doctor's office,
and that is when
you found her dead.
And then you immediately
called the police.
You immediately
called the police.
-Yep.
-Yeah?
Where's my phone? Here.
K*llers were long gone.
[Mark] Mm-hm.
Is that clear?
Crystal clear,
yes. Crystal clear.
Well, we should go.
Yeah.
You're a good guy, too, Mark.
Thanks for everything, mate.
[soft music]
[Mark] Thanks, man.
[upbeat music]
Ah, so?
So.
Where to now?
Mexico?
Mexico.
Mexico. Mexico.
-Mexico!
-Mexico!
Mexico! Woo!
[engine revving]
[upbeat music on radio]
You should probably
put that away now.
The police will
probably see that.
[upbeat music on radio]
What are you doing?
What the f*ck are you doing?
Don't.
f*ck off.
Stop the car, Charlie.
What do you mean stop the car?
Stop the car, Charlie.
I'm not stop, I'm gonna--
Stop the f*cking car, Charlie!
[upbeat music]
[Tattoo girl laughing]
What?
I'm f*cking with you [laughs].
I nearly shit myself then.
-You were afraid.
-f*ck me!
f*cking hell.
You are another
breed. f*cking hell.
Ah, why would I sh**t
you? I f*cking love you.
[upbeat music]
Think you just, you
just said you love me.
Yeah.
[upbeat music]
Are you crying?
Mm, mm-mm [clears throat]. No.
Oh my God, you're crying.
I'm not, you are. I'm not.
[laughs] You're a
f*cking p*ssy, Charlie.
[upbeat music]
It's just that nobody's
ever said that to me before.
Oh my God, shut
up. I love this song.
♪ Looks like a Jaguar ♪
Not quite.
♪ It's got leather seats ♪
This is half leather.
♪ It's got a CD player, player,
player, player, player, ♪
♪ Player, player,
player, player ♪
[siren blaring]
♪ I don't wanna talk
about it anymore ♪
[siren blaring]
♪ I think we're
gonna save it, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you try
and fake it anymore ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ We'll start over again ♪
♪ Grow ourselves new skin ♪
♪ Get a house in Devon ♪
♪ Drink cider from
a lemon [echoes] ♪
♪ But I don't wanna
talk about it anymore ♪
♪ I think we gotta make it
♪ I think we gotta
save it, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you try
and fake it ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
♪ I think we gotta make it ♪
♪ I think we gotta
save it, yeah ♪
♪ So don't you try
and fake it ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
♪ Anymore ♪
[upbeat music]
♪ He's got a brand new car ♪
♪ He's got a brand new car ♪
♪ A brand new car ♪
♪ A brand new car ♪
♪ A brand new car ♪
God's Petting You (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3